//------------------------------// // In which Zecora's a witch // Story: The Dreaded Love Bird // by Darkonshadows //------------------------------// Slowly Philomena watched as the other bird in the cage started to warp oddly distorting as she did. Soon a wrenching sound of metal being torn apart was heard and a shadow slowly fell over the phoenix as its eyes widened with fright as the new creature turned towards it and smiled. Before any guards knew what happened they was sent flying by the sudden thundering sound of a beast smashing through several walls and passing by them at full speed. The guards were too dazed to do anything to stop something so large from continuing to destroy the castle. Soon an alert was raised throughout Canterlot Castle and despite the question to how the intruder got into the castle in the first place; no one could really stop her if they tried. It had taken a while for Celestia to get the full scope of the situation, but from what she understood the strange bird had somehow become a rhinoceros. Then said rhino proceeded to smash through almost every wall on the second floor until the blue backpack was found, then from as far as Celestia could tell her pet Philomena had been unceremoniously shoved into it and then the rhino continued its warpath towards the castles kitchen. “Tell me again, what happened to the food I had set aside for certain occasions?” Looking to the chef, Celestia kept a calm appearance not wanting to frighten one of her subjects out of his wits. “Well a giant red rhino with a yellow horn and wearing a simple blue backpack smashed through the wall and then it ate half of the provisions and oddly enough it belched a fireball incinerating the rest. I think it smiled in satisfaction as it watched the snacks burn.” The chef didn’t know what was going to happen and all he saw was one of Celestia’s eyes twitching. So far, her guards were in disarray. Her pet had been kidnapped. Parts of the castle were in ruins. Now she found out the food she’d looked forward to comforting herself with had been eaten and burned, not to mention a lot of unconscious and hurt guard ponies were lying around. Whatever that being was, it most certainly had discordant qualities of the highest order. She would have to write a letter to her student immediately to be on the lookout for any odd disturbances whatsoever. “Please leave me alone for a minute and tell my sister to come here, I am in urgent need of her help.” Celestia didn’t want to drop the façade around her ponies, but that bird whatever it was had done more than just rub her the wrong way. It literally had done everything in its powers to make her mad and even Discord couldn’t get her this steamed. “Sister, what is this problem that thou would need my help with?” Luna saw a look in Celestia’s eyes she hadn’t seen in a long time, Celestia kept her emotions quite well hidden in most cases but looking her in the eyes right now made her blood almost freeze. It was like some pony targeted her sister’s snacks directly without providence and then destroyed them. Luna would soon find out that’s exactly what someone did, she wondered what poor soul did that. "I need you to put up a protective shield around me dear sister... I'm also going to personally soundproof this room." Out in Canterlot an hour after Luna and Celestia had a long discussion about a possible new evil purveying their lands. One could see a large red bird sitting on a tower in Canterlot and using a high powered telescope to watch as Celestia wrote something on a piece of parchment using a quill, then with a glow of magic the message was sent and the telescope trailed it all the way to a village next to several bodies of water. Putting away the telescope Kazooie looked out over the lands with her bare eyes. “So she has a thing for her student… kind of creepy that. But at least the love between them is not like I made it out to be… at least not yet it isn’t.” Kazooie smiled to herself and leapt into a window of the tower and saw a bunch of winged ponies in armor fly by. She had to be more careful now that the city and castle were on high alert; she now knew where the princess’s pen pal was for utter enjoyment of causing mass hysteria. A sound of angry squawking could be heard coming from Kazooie’s blue backpack and she opened it to pull out a tied up Phoenix which screeched in her face. “Hey I said I was going to make you my sidekick right? So that’s why I’m kidnapping you and it’s not easy finding fireproof rope I’ll have you know! By the way you wouldn’t happen to know anything closely related to being a shaman around here would you?” Seeing an uncomprehending look on the phoenix’s face as it glared angrily at her, Kazooie sighed and stuffed the bird back down into her magical backpack. “Didn’t think so, it’s time to start with the matchmaking and causing untold horrors while doing so. But first I have to find the nearest shaman person to talk to and the way to do that would be my handy dandy plot device, I just happen to like asking for directions first unlike some people.” Pulling out a small electronic device with a keyboard and a screen above it Kazooie typed out the word ‘hermit’ with her feathery fingers and it gave her directions to a forest near the village that the magically sent letter went to. Smiling Kazooie stored away the plot device; it was useful for finding anything that’s not a collectible as long as it was within a certain range. Looking around the outside of the window Kazooie made sure the coast was clear before she leapt out and a green sparkling energy surrounded her legs stretching them to twice their natural length. With a mighty leap she shot into the air and was gliding to her next destination with a smile. Twilight Sparkle the student of princess Celestia, known dork when it comes to thinking anything can be found in a book. She was still learning that there were some things that books couldn’t teach you, like how to be friends with some pony. Her assistant Spike the small purple dragon ran up to her with a letter from princess Celestia. “For once can’t she just use the post office?” Spike griped on as his body was used a postage thoroughfare every other day or so. Barfing up messages in explosive blasts of fire might seem cool to others, but it got kind of sickening having to do it every five minutes or so at his expense when there was a large amount of mail coming to Twilight from Celestia. Watching the dragon stalk off in a grunting bit of anger, Twilight shook her head and using her magic she unrolled the scroll to read it. “Canterlot castle in ruins… Philomena stolen… Something as bad as Discord!?” Upon finishing, Twilight couldn’t possible even begin to describe what being could match up to Discord in being horrible. But her imagination did run wild with all the stuff that has probably happened in Canterlot, she needed to call the girls to tell them about this development. In the Ever Free Forest outside Zecora’s tree hut Kazooie was looking at the readout on her HUD system to see she was at her destination. Slowly she trotted up to the door and raised a wing to knock on it; before she tapped the door she kicked it twice and hard. Kazooie smirked to herself as she didn’t have to kick the door, but she loved to rile up the shaman types with an early start. “Who is that knocking upon my door? It sounds like you are trying to knock it to the floor!” Upon hearing the mysterious voice inside the home, Kazooie’s face went completely blank. In her head Kazooie was silently praying it was an alchemist or a witch doctor type NPC, but knowing her luck it was a Witch type given how the voice obviously had the endearing need to incessantly rhyme. Her beak would not be able to stay shut under those circumstances and she’d ruin a possible friendship, why did the Witch types always rhyme? Was there a universal convention that decided that all witches must rhyme even if it is at the expense of their sanity? Bad enough that it was probably some ugly crone, she really didn’t need to fight another undying witch again as her friend Banjo was already doing it for a third time with her exact lookalike if slightly fatter sister already. Then again the voice sounded kind of pleasant so luck might be on her side that this was a good Witch type of character. The door opened to reveal a zebra that looked at Kazooie in surprise. The first thought in Kazooie’s mind was how good looking witches in this dimension were and not as baby puke green sliding to bleached skull white. Another thought was that this zebra really liked her solitude so she’d have to find someone who would give her a lot of space and would actively like a relationship with her, they’d have to be ridiculously patient too. Goods in trade for services rendered right? Not that Kazooie’s romantic related services were nice or friendly in any sense of the word given how she gets people together by fire and brimstone. “Is my visitor this bird of red, why does looking at you fill me with a sense of dread?” Zecora saw the bird smirk at her and she had this very deep feeling in the pit of her gut that she was going to have problems with this creature in the near future. “Hey there stripes, by the obvious smell you brew potions right? You see, I’m here for something that only someone of your talent could make and I would like to render my services in trade for a potion.” Kazooie didn’t mention what her services entail but even demonic beings would be wary of the smile on her beak. “Intrigued I am of what service you can be tasked, for what are your talents if you are to be asked?” Well to say Zecora wanted to help this strange creature was a bit of a stretch but she was interested in the deal the bird wanted with her. Kazooie looked the zebra up and down and circled around her slightly, she rubbed her wing through the zebra’s mane and lifted a hoof off the ground a bit to test the weight and finally she pecked Zecora on the cheek with her beak. After all this she stood back and took on a thoughtful look with a wing tucked under her chin sitting on top of the other wing. “Let’s see male, unafraid to learn about new cultures, big, quiet and a good listener. You are a hundred percent straight by the way, but that is surprising considering hermits shouldn't be picky with love.” After all that was said Kazooie waited for a verdict so she could explain to Zecora what she wanted. “Now my curiosity is almost entirely sated, are you telling me you want to help me be dated?” It was a wondrous idea to the zebra that the bird would guess the parameters she’d look for in the male persuasion of ponies. “Well I’m not just whistling Dixie all day. If I find you a date to spend some quality time with will you make me these kinds of potions? I’ll throw in a guaranteed good time with your date for free or else I don’t get the potions I want.” The bird reached into her backpack and pulled out a list of the type of potions she wanted Zecora to make. She passed up an opportunity to make fun of Zecora’s rhyme, but it was so worth it to actually make a deal with the zebra. “The list is quite simple and small, are you sure you can find me someone big and tall?” If Zecora actually wanted the date in the first place that is, though she had to admit it would be nice to get out once in a while. “I’ll get you wide too if you like fat guys, but I think you’re more of a gentle muscle headed type. So is it a deal hag?” It wasn’t that bad a thing really, but Kazooie hoped that the zebra didn’t turn her down immediately for calling her a hag. “My name is Zecora not to be a nag, but I’m most certainly not an old hag.” Zecora didn’t immediately agree nor did she disagree, the thought of a chance of finding a significant other was an intriguing form of payment indeed. It had some form of enticement to it. “Better a hag then a witch, I would know as I’ve had to deal with some of the most annoying ones anyone’s ever had the displeasure to meet. Besides I didn’t call you old… I just called you a hag. In other words I was complementing you on being a wizened lady, sad to see it isn’t so. You are not that old and are quite a lovely vision that is very fortunate to not be my type, you’re a bit dim and you’re probably incapable of saying the color orange.” Insert insufferable smirk from Kazooie’s beak as she crossed her wings. “I take it mockery is your favorite trick, yes if you keep to your promise or my potions you won’t get a lick. One thing I need from you is a name, so I can know to say the same.” Zecora smiled at the bird, she may be rude but the zebra kind of liked the spunk. “I’m Kazooie, pleasure doing business with you Zecora. I’ll keep you in mind while I’m traveling around a nearby village to look out for someone, but before I go… want to see me perform one of my shaman spells? I kind of need to use it here in front of you so you might be able to identify me later should you not see me in my natural form.” The zebra was trustworthy as far as Kazooie knew and wouldn’t despise her for her interesting magical capability. “Go ahead Kazooie at you leisure, it might even be a pleasure.” Waiting for Kazooie to do whatever it is she was about to Zecora sat and watched as Kazooie moved over to the cauldron that was filled only with water. She gave a nifty smirk of her beak and her wings started to take on a glow when she started to chant. “Eekum Bokum Eekum Bokum, Oobodadoo, Oobodadoo, Eekum Bokum Eekum Bokum Eekum Bokum, Eeyoah…”