//------------------------------// // XIV. Trepidation // Story: Abandoned Memories // by Mika //------------------------------// "Maybe I can jog your memory in Cloudsdale. See ya later!" Her last sentence kept playing over and over in your head, like a broken record. She knows. She knows everything. And she's going to tell everyone. She's going to tell them how I was left to die. How I was taken to a psychiatric hospital because of what I’d seen. How mentally unbalanced I am. How I have visions of them, every night. How I have visions of murdering others. How I've tried to kill myself twice, and how pathetic that is. How I spent my entire life being observed by psychiatrists and nurses alike. How they could never help me cope. You would have continued listing if your stomach had not intervened, allowing you a momentary intermission from your thoughts. After your incident with Rainbow Dash, you placed yourself on a cloud once more, seeing as that would be the only means that you could hide from other ponies while being aware of their vicinity. Mistakenly reaching for an apple with your left hoof, you wince in pain, and then proceed to do the same, only with your right hoof this time. Successfully pulling out an apple, you waste no time biting into it, impeding your thoughts. You savor the taste, considering that you only had one apple remaining. Regardless, your form of deterrent for you thoughts only lasted for a second or two, as your cognitive processes started up once more, bringing in more thoughts. What am I going to do? I'm not actually going to meet her again, am I? She may hold the key to revealing my past. But why should she be the bearer of the key? And why did her attitude towards me change? She used to detest me, but a few hours ago... Her touch was pleasurable... That was nothing, dammit! Admit it, you're becoming emotionally attached to her. You keep denying it, but it's true. No, it's not. There's nothing to be said. All Rainbow Dash is is an irritating, insistent, arrogant pegasus. She has no admirable aspects! None whatsoever! All she's done is pester me and ask questions! She hasn't changed at all. By now, the sun was more than halfway overhead, giving the sky a vibrant shade of blue. The cloud you were currently lounging on had drifted closer to the town, however you were still far enough to be hidden. But, at the moment, you'd rather be spotted by any other pony other than Rainbow Dash. Well, perhaps anypony but the pink one. What is she going to ask me if she finds me? No, not 'if.' When she finds me. What is she going to ask me when she finds me? I can already imagine the barrage of questions. "So, what's it like to see a dead pony?" "How'd they die?" "What do their eyes look like?" "Do they roll to the back of their head?" "Was there a lot of blood?" "What happened to their bodies?" "Did you cry?" "What did they do to you at the hospital?" "How much can you remember?" "Did they ever find the ponies responsible for it?" "Did you see any crazy ponies?" "Do you still cry?" "Are you taking pills?" "What psychological disorders do you have?" "Are you a psychopath?" "Are you sad all the time?" "Why don't you just lighten up?" You let out an exasperate sigh, wanting for the day to conclude, and that would not happen for a couple more hours, leaving you plenty of time to think. What if she is lying? That wouldn't explain how she knows my name. Has she looked at my case file? No, I would have noticed if she even came near me, let alone get her hooves on my case file. I can't even remember how she discovered my name. Figures. No, wait. I do remember. I was... Running away from something. And then she pinned me down. I knocked her off, and... My saddlebag became undone, exposing... My Cutie Mark. She saw it. Ever since I went into the hospital, no pony has seen it other than Sigmund and the medical staff. Was she at the hospital too? No, she's mentally stable. Or, at least seemingly. That only leaves that she knew me before. Looking at your hooves, you noticed your bandage, now disheveled. Seeing as it served no purpose, you began to unravel it, using your right hoof. As you were doing this, you were reminded of the yellow pegasus, who's name had slipped your mind once more. Damn it. I told her that she would see me again today... Why should that matter to me? It doesn't matter to me. Talking to her didn't suppress the dream anyways, so she no longer serves any purpose to me. All of this is a useless endeavor. And to make matters worst, Rainbow Dash seemingly knows my past. Having brought up the issue of your past had reminded you of your case file. You haven't read it in some time, although you weren't sure how long it had been. Hesitantly, you reached for your case file, still being extensively careful not to drop any of the contents. You opened the tan folder and read the same line that was imprinted on the first page. "Case No.: 51097; Building No.: 7; Examiner: Dr. Riley Sigmund" it stated. Number five-one-oh-nine-seven. That's all I ever was to them. A number. You examined every page, trying to gather everything you could from your past. You read over the police report, the psychological examination, the evaluation of your psychopathology, and you did so, callously, which was new. You felt no emotion, but that may have been because of Rainbow Dash's knowledge of your past, and how she'll be the one to reveal it to you. You finally ended with the image of your parents, the one you had saved from falling into the pond. It was then that your emotions began to stir up. Before any sort of empathy could leak from you, you closed the folder, and promptly placed it back into your saddlebag, still careful as to not drop anything. As you looked towards the sky, you noticed that the shade of blue had transformed into a range of orange and purple hues, giving the sky a celestial glow. How does time seem to go by incredibly fast when I'm not aware? At least the day is almost over. That only means that I'm getting near the point where I start to fall asleep. Just then, you heard the flapping of a pair of wings. A familiar sound that sent chills down your spine. You knew who was approaching you, the only pony who ever has approached you. You didn't want to turn around to face her, but you refused to let her catch you off guard any longer. You sighed and turn around, only to be greeted by a subtle smile from Rainbow Dash, who was flying towards you. A rush of anxiety began to build up within you, turning your stomach. Although, that wasn't unusual. You did your best to keep your face glazed. She began to greet you. "Hey," finishing with your name, reminding you how she knows who you were and what really happened to you. She landed on the cloud parallel to you, which was rather close to your own. Although not close enough to stimulate your senses. "You're pretty hard to find, ya know? Not hard enough, evidently. "So..." Here we go. The questions. The countless questions, forcing me to remember my horrible past. "Still don't remember me? Rainbow Dash? Your best friend from Cloudsdale Junior Flight School?" This question again? Why does she insist on me remembering her? She should know that I don't remember her. She knows everything about me, after all. Her smile began to transform into a scowl, finally losing her patience with you. "Oh, come on," she began, changing her posture into a more assertive position. "We were the best fliers in our class! How can you not remember?" changing her facial expression once more, into a morose one. Why does she keep pestering? She already knows that I can't remember! Why does she keep acting like she doesn't know! She let out a disheartened grunt and threw her forelegs up in defeat, most likely from having read your blank expression, giving her the impression that you haven't had the enlightenment she was expecting you to have. "Fine, here, I got an idea. Get up for a second," motioning as she spoke. Is the 'idea' for you to leave me alone? She rose from the cloud, hovering above it. You imitated her, hovering above the cloud as well, doubtful as why you followed her orders so willingly. She then promptly bucked both of the clouds, causing them to disperse. "Well, that's the last cloud I had to clear up for Ponyville tonight.. Anyways, follow me." She began to fly off into the distance, and you followed without skipping a beat, again questioning as to why you did. Why am I following her? That was my chance. I could have escaped. I could have evaded her inevitable questions, her pestering, everything. I wouldn't have to stand for the awkwardness between us any more. So why am I still following her? Admit it, you enjoy her company. No, that's not true! I don't enjoy anypony's presence. If anything, I'd rather be stuck with the yellow pegasus than Rainbow Dash. So, you do admit to enjoying the yellow pegasus's company. No I don't! She's just more bearable than other every other pony. That's how it started with Sigmund. No, Sigmund tried to help me. So did she. Both of them, in fact. You rejected Rainbow Dash's help the first time, but you didn't when the yellow pegasus offered to help. That was different. She wasn't responsible for my injury. She didn't offer me help because she felt responsible. That was the only reason I accepted her help. That, and I needed to bandage my injury. Stop lying to yourself, you know the reason as to why you accepted her help, on two separate occasions. Obviously, there's an underlying reason as to why you accepted help, and also as to why you're currently following Rainbow Dash. You may not find Rainbow Dash as appealing, but there's certainly something about her that attracts you, seeing as she possess nothing that is alluring. At least your excuse for the yellow pegasus was that you were injured, and needed assistance. You're following Rainbow Dash, the pony who knows your dark, twisted past, who's going to bombard you with infinite, unjustified, inappropriate questions, and for no reason. And you believe that you're more attracted the yellow pegasus? I never used the word attracted. The yellow pegasus is not any better, she's just not as irritating as the other ponies of this town, simple as that. She doesn't question me, or what I do. That is what makes her admirable. Admirable? No, that's not what I meant. I can't think of the word. Engaging? No, of course not. Whatever the word may be, the reason you do not wish to apply it to the yellow pegasus, is because that word fits Rainbow Dash. Admit it, already. You're in denial. You enjoy her company. If I did, why would I be having a mental argument with myself? Because you're in denial. You were about ready to scream about how you weren't in denial, however, the pegasus interceded before you could. "We're here." Her voice pulled you out of your thoughts, bringing your attention as to why you were flying in the first place. Before you stood a colossal den, which you could only presume to be the home of the pegasus to your side. It was isolated from the town, over empty plains. The foundation of the building was a cloud, and the palace was two stories high. The yellow pegasus's home was two stories as well, but not on a scale as massive as Rainbow Dash's home. You took a second to ponder how this building could be supported by a simple cloud. Although, you never did understand how pegasus ponies could walk on clouds and others couldn't. What are we doing here? Does she have everypony in there, waiting for my confession? Or does she have a some sort of memento from every event from my past? She landed on the cloud and proceeded to the door, waiting for you to land. This would be the second time you entered another pony's building. You only had two ideas of what the inside of buildings were like; one being Fluttershy's home, and the other being the hospital, with beds chained to the wall and bars on the windows. She opened the door, and pompously declared, "Welcome to my home!" She held the door open, waiting for you to enter. You landed on the cloud and cautiously approached the doorway. You took the last step into the building, and observed your new surroundings. The interior was almost as surprising as it was when you had entered the yellow peagsus's home. Everything had some form of cloud constructed with it, whether it was the furniture or the actual design of the house. However, you only took a second to admire the structure, as Rainbow Dash slammed the door behind you, and trotted to you. "Hmm, lemme see if I can find some photos of us from back then from Cloudsdale. I was just going through them the other day. They should be in a box over in that small cabinet," gesturing to a piece of furniture, about a few feet away from your current position. A photo? The only photo I had of myself from before was the one with my parents. And she has a photo of me? No, it's not possible. I would have the photo... Or at least a copy of it, wouldn't I? Rainbow Dash walked over to a small cabinet, pulled out a box, tossed it onto the floor and began to pull photos out, one by one. She placed herself on the floor, and examined each photo for half-a-second, before deciding whether or not it was the correct one. For every incorrect photo, she tossed it aside, accompanied it with a, "no" for each one. She continued to pull photos out, while you simply stood there, hoping she wouldn't find the supposed photograph, but you knew it was imminent until she found the right one. "Well, just don't stand there! Help me out." Reluctantly, you walked over and sat across from her, watching as she organized photos. You picked up one a single photo, and glanced at it. It was a picture of what you deduced to be Rainbow Dash as a filly. You kept the photo in your hoof, and redirected your attention back to her. You began to contrast between the picture and her, noticing how much she had changed in physique. You then placed the photo aside, and began to pay close attention to her facial expression, praying that it wouldn't change to a smile. All you did was blatantly stare as she sorted, that is, until she broke the silence between you. "So, where'd you go after you moved?" she asked, still arranging photos. Moved? What does she mean by that? I suppose I should ask. I'm hoping I don't regret this. One wrong reply, and her barrage of questions will begin. "M-moved?" you warily questioned. "Yeah, well, you may not remember me, but I know you have to remember living in Cloudsdale. And then, one day, you just left," ending her sentence with a hint of sadness. I didn't just leave... "Without even saying a word." This time, with a hint of contempt, and stopping for a second from searching through the photos, connecting her rosy eyes with yours. She broke the connection by asking once more. "But, yeah. Where did you move to?" She... Doesn't know. She doesn't know what happened to me. She doesn't know at all! She doesn't know anything about the death of my parents, about my life at the hospital, or my psychological disorders. All she knows is everything before that. The part of my past I've been yearning to learn. After your new-found information, a new emotion rippled within you, something you could only interpret as ...Joy. I might finally be able to find out my past and just my past. I won't have to answer insipid questions, and I'll finally be able to find out. "What are you grinning about?" She brought you out of your thoughts, making you realize that you did have a form of a smile on your face. A grin? I wouldn't be caught dead with a smile. Although, I suppose that would be normal for somepony discovering a fantastic secret. "Well?" she questioned once more, focusing on you once more, leaving you even less time to find a lie. You answered with the first town that came to your mind. "Uh, T-Trottingham. I moved to Trottingham." I need to ease her into explaining my past, bit by bit. But I can't be too obvious about it. "That's really far from Cloudsdale. Why'd you move?" she asked, trying to solicit more information from you. In annoyance, she let out a nearly silent, yet still audible growl, and dumped the entire contents of the box onto the floor, sorting much faster this time. Pictures lay everywhere in a cluttered mess. This wouldn't be the manner in which you would search for such a photo, but you paid no heed. "Come on, it's gotta be around here somewhere," she complained, having seem to have forgotten the question she had previously asked. You stayed quiet, plotting how you would go about asking her to reveal your past, while still being inconspicuous. You involuntarily picked up a photo every couple of seconds, to make it seem that you were actually helping. Maybe I should just lie and say I do remember her. She wouldn't doubt me. Alright, simple enough. Just agree with everything she says after I tell her that I remember- Your thoughts were interrupted, which was becoming prevalent, by a sound of disgust from Rainbow Dash. You dropped whatever photo was in your hoof, and fixated your view onto her. She placed her hoof on her nose, and directed her attention onto you, surprising you. "Listen, I'm not the kind of pony to complain about this, and no offense, but... You kinda stink. When was the last time you showered?" She's sitting across from her supposed best friend from years ago, whom she hasn't seen for years, and she's bothered by my hygienic habits? She picked herself up, and began to speak. "Look, why don't you shower and I'll keep looking for the photo," she said while walking off into the remainder of the building. Bathe? She wants me to bathe right now? At a time like this? This is absolutely absurd! I don't need to wash myself! What I need is to find out what happened to me before my parents' death! "Hey, are you coming or what," you heard from across the short hall. You sighed in defeat, quickly picked yourself up, and followed the sound of her voice. I might as well play along. I'm close to finding out my past, no sense in ruining my chances. Following her, you found her before another doorway, which you guessed led to a bathroom. The last time you had showered was the day before you left the hospital, so you had some idea of how her bathroom would look like. "I know this is kinda weird, but you do smell pretty bad," she said, giggling. "I got a towel in there and everything. Just shower, and I'll keep looking for the photo." she said before walking off. You figured that a shower wouldn't hurt, allowing you to fully refresh yourself and even give you a bit more time to plan out your future conversation with the pegasus. As she left the room to go back to organize the photos, you slipped your saddlebag off and entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind you. The quicker you shower, the quicker you can find out about your past. You had showered before, so nothing was new. Except, of course, for the fact that you had never shared a shower before. At the hospital, you had the privilege of having your own shower separate from the rest, so the idea of sharing a shower was a bit unnerving. You entered the shower, closed the curtain, and turned the knob, releasing a flow of warm water. Around you you saw a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo; the brand for which you couldn't care less for. How am I going to do this? ‘I just remembered you from my past. Would you mind explaining everything that happened to me in vivid detail?' No, that's ridiculous. 'I think I'm starting to remember you.' No, that won't work. Damn it, this may be a bit more difficult than I had presumed. You grabbed the soap and began to lather it around your body, removing the apparent stench that Rainbow Dash had claimed had been present. The soap had the same scent that she had, the same scent you could still vividly smell from just a few hours ago. Even if we were 'friends', why does she want to establish a relationship between us? Were we really such great friends? If we truly were, the memory would have stayed with me. It should have. I wouldn't be able to forget the rainbow-colored mane or those dark pink eyes. She would have left an impact on me. Maybe she's lying. No, she knows my name, and only a few ponies actually know my real name. She knows something, perhaps more than any other pony out there. And if she knows anything, it's a start. The amount of pain and stress I've been battling for years may finally be relieved. I'll be able to finally find out what the dream means, and maybe even sleep peacefully for a night. All of this was restoring hope that you had lost for the past few days: hope that had been stripped from you. It was all being restored. You proceeded to apply the shampoo to your mane, finally losing all the grease that had accumulated from the past week and giving you a feeling of refreshment, another alien experience. As the water began to become even warmer, you closed your eyes, immersing yourself within the heat. Your thoughts began to wander unrestricted; drifting away from your original intent on how you were to spend your time in the shower. You could feel Rainbow Dash nuzzling your neck, causing your two manes to intertwine. You could feel her wings extend, in tandem with your own. She turned to you, breaking the connection of fur against fur. But then slowly leaned closer to you; her face rapidly approaching yours. Her eyes were half-lidded, and a faint blush was visible across her muzzle. You began to lean in closer as well, your lips trembling with the anticipating of the connection... ...And your lips made contact with the shower’s wall, ending your short-lived fantasy. You quickly pulled back, maintaining your apathetic demeanor. No, that wasn't anything! I just let my thoughts wander too far from the norm! You quickly washed all the soap off and remembered how crucial time was. Alright, enough with this shower. I've wasted too much time as it is. Time to find out my past, and this time, with no repercussions. You grabbed the towel, quickly dried yourself, and swung the door open. As you peered out from the bathroom, steam began to disperse from the doorway to the rest of her home. You spotted Rainbow Dash leaning on a counter; seemingly occupied with reading something. You were about to approach her when you spotted something next to her hind-legs, but you paid no attention to it. She turned to you, her face rampant with a mixture of fear and disgust, throwing you off-guard: enough so to change your facial expression into a puzzled look. What? Was it something I did? And to some extent, it was. It became clear as to why she had that expression. Because of what she was reading. Your case file.