Amateur Hour
A small brown unicorn was walking the halls of Canterlot Castle, as he did every day before dawn. Down long hallways, up twisting staircases, to a golden door guarded by two ponies in bright golden armor. The unicorn nodded to the guards, moving to go past them, just to jump back in alarm when they crossed their wings in front of the door in a very “you can’t go in there” manner.
The unicorn bowed slightly. “There must be some mistake, sirs. I am Silver Scroll, the keeper of Princess Celestia’s appointments. I need to go make sure she is ready to begin her day.”
“Sorry, sir,” one of the guards replied, “princess’ orders. Nopony is allowed in or out without her explicit approval.”
“B-B-But, surely she must have given me approval, I’m her assistant!” Silver Scroll shouted.
“Sir, you need to calm down,” the other guard said, “or we’ll have to remove you from the premises.”
“Remove me!” The agitated unicorn began pacing up and down the hallway, not looking at the door. “My family has been working for the crown for generations! How dare you deny me access to my job, and then threaten my safety! Why, I have half a mind to march down to Commander Shining Armor’s office--”
“Silver Scroll--” a calm voice said. trying to catch his attention.
“--Tell him exactly what’s going on down here! What are your names and ranks? I will not let this injustice go unpunished! I will personally--”
“Silver Scroll...” the voice tried again.
“--and have you all thrown out of the guard myself!” Silver Scroll took a breath, facing the windows, preparing his next verbal barrage.
“Are you quite finished?” the voice asked again, finally heard over the dying echoes of Silver Scroll’s rant.
Celestia’s assistant turned around quickly, dropping into a low bow. “P-Princess! Beg your pardon, m’lady, but these guards were denying me entry, saying it was under your orders, but I know that you would give me permission to enter. I--” He sighed. “--I probably went a little bit too far, didn’t I?”
The princess moved forward and nudged her assistant, making the smaller pony jerk in surprise and stand up. “It is understandable. I know how you can get when something goes against the schedule.” Scroll blushed and mumbled something, making Celestia laugh. “Come, let us discuss the day’s plans, shall we?” Silver Scroll nodded, and the two entered Celestia’s private chambers.
As the doors clicked shut, one guard turned to the other. “Jeez, if that guy can’t take some friendly teasing from us, how is he going to survive the Sister’s War?”
_--_--_--_--_--_
“So, what is on the schedule for today?” the small Celestia asked on the odd floating window conjured by Discord.
“I do love these things. Makes spying quite easy,” Discord mentioned in an offhand way as the Celestia in the window listened to the small Silver Scroll list off her appointments.
“Wait, you can spy on anypony with this thing?” Shining asked, somewhat worried. After all, being married to the Alicorn of Love lent one to a very... exotic bedroom life.
“Well, yes and no. It can tune into anypony that the spell is cast on, but it can be broken easily. The trick is you have to find it first.” Discord winked.
“Uh, right.” Shining shifted nervously in his seat. “So, what are we looking at here?”
“Well, that is Princess Celestia and her personal assistant. And you call yourself a guard,” Discord snorted in mock displeasure.
Shining Armor leveled a glare. “I know that. I meant why are you here, in my office, and why are we spying on the princess?”
“We are the judges for their little contest, yes?”
“Yeah...”
“Well, Luna informed me she had a few pranks already planned.” Discord grinned. “It’s fantastic! I just love this!”
Shining’s eyes widened. “Already? I figured there would be at least a couple days before those two could go at it.”
“Apparently not. Shhh, this is my favorite part,” Discord said as he stared intently at the gloating window.
On the screen, Celestia’s eyes widened, and her mouth dropped. “Two... two thousand appointments? Are you sure, Scroll?”
Silver Scroll’s head bobbed up and down quickly. “Oh, yes, m’lady. It is a very, very busy day ahead.”
“Cut it down to only absolutely necessary audiences. I have plans today,” Celestia replied. “How many now?”
Silver Scroll looked down at the long parchment held in his magical aura. After a few moments of frenzied scribbling, he said, “About two hundred. Give or take a few.”
Celestia sighed before getting up and walking towards the door. “That is... better, I suppose. Let’s go then, might as well get started.”
The brown unicorn rolled up his list and quickly stuffed it into his saddlebag, following his beloved leader. “Of course, Your Majesty. Right this way...”
In the distance, one could almost hear a laugh, silky and cool as the night.
Discord looked to his white companion. “Lame. I give it a one.”
“One?” Shining asked.
“We are the judges of the competition, right? It wouldn’t be in the spirit of things to simply decide off the top of our heads who wins at the end of the month, so I devised a system. Each prank can earn a score of one to five, and whichever sister has the most points wins.”
“Are you sure you are the Lord of Chaos? That sounds pretty orderly to me,” Shining said with a smirk.
“Reformed Lord of Chaos, thank you very much,” Discord replied with a huff. “So, are we agreed?”
“I suppose,” Shining sighed. “One point for Luna it is.”
_--_--_--_--_--_
Princess Celestia slumped down on her throne. One hundred and fifty two audiences and five hours later, she was exhausted, and had a pretty good idea who to blame. If Luna was already starting her campaign, she was starting weak. Scheduling a lot of audiences during the Day Court? Celestia scoffed. What is this, amateur hour?
“Beg your pardon, m’lady, but the other attendees have apparently left. The audience chamber is empty,” Silver Scroll said, closing the giant door to the throne room behind him.
“Am I finished then?” Celestia asked, mentally assessing her list of required materials for her planned prank.
“Not quite. One petitioner requested a private audience, in a separate chamber.”
The Princess looked at Silver Scroll skeptically. “And this mystery pony is named...?”
“Um,” Silver Scroll looked down at the scroll. “Shimmering Sight, of the House of Sight.”
“Of course he is... Lead the way, Scroll. I’ll be along shortly,” Celestia replied, getting off the throne.
“As you wish, m’lady.”
The Princess trotted over to one of the stone-faced guards next to the doors exiting the throne room. “Follow closely. Stop anypony that looks suspicious.”
The guards saluted simultaneously. “Yes ma’am.” Assured of her security, Celestia left the throne room, shadowed by two of her best guards.
Silver Scroll was waiting just outside the door. “This way, Princess,” he said, leading her deeper into the castle. Princess Celestia followed, followed by her guards, keeping a wary eye out for any of Luna’s tampering. “Right in here,” he said, motioning to a nondescript door in a hallway.
Celestia felt her shoulders slump in relief. “Thank you, Silver Scroll you are dismissed for the day. I shall see you up bright and early tomorrow morning.” The unicorn bowed and excused himself. “And you two,” Celestia said, turning to the guards who were standing at attention. “Go in first and make sure everything is okay.”
“Uh, of course, Your Majesty.” The two guards shared a look at their suddenly paranoid ruler, but said nothing. One entered the door, then the other. The Princess counted up to fifty before the two returned, giving their all clear. Satisfied, Celestia walked into the room.
Almost immediately after entering, Celestia sensed something falling on her head. Without thinking, she quickly grabbed it with her magic, preventing it from hitting her. The Princess looked it over with her magic touch, before shouting down the hallway, “Really, Luna? A bucket of water above the door? I was right, this is amateur hour!”
That was when she heard the twang of a string, and saw something quite large flying towards her face. Celestia instantly know she was trapped. If she used her magic to stop the flying object. the force required to stop its momentum in time would strip the magic holding the bucket above her head, causing it to fall. Likewise, if she simply held the bucket, or tried to move it, for that matter, the object would hit her.
Unfortunately, in the time it took her to figure all that out, weigh all her options, and decide on the best one, it was too late.
Celestia’s face was hit square on by something very warm and soft. She tentatively opened an eye to see nothing but mounds of moist cake and pink frosting. Okay, the bucket was a distraction. Not bad, I suppose.
Then she felt a blast of magic overcome her own, and the bucket fell on her head, soaking her coat, mane, and cake hat with hot water. “Luna!” she shouted, already using her magic to wipe the sopping mass of cake-stuff off of her, but all that answered was a cackling laugh..
_--_--_--_--_--_
“Ah-hahahahaha!” Discord pulled himself off of the floor, righting himself in a chair before the window. “Classic! Brilliant! That delivery, that reaction! I give it a four!”
“Eh, a cake to the face? I used to do the same thing to Twily on her birthday. I’ll give it a two,” Shining replied.
Discord turned to face the white unicorn slowly. “A two...?”
“Yeah. I didn’t really see anything really interesting in that.”
Discord blinked. “I am the Lord of Chaos! I think I know a good prank when I see one. We give it a four.”
“No,” Shining replied, crossing his hooves. “We give it a two.”
“Four.”
“Two.”
“Four.”
“Two.”
“Four,” Discord said, “and I won’t tell anypony about your ‘little secret.’”
Shining’s already white face paled. “D-Deal.”