After realizing that I had been screwed over by some cruel entity due to me being stuck here, I laid back down on the couch I had claimed as my own. The possibility of me being stuck here for the rest of my life was... Pretty unsettling, to be honest... But when life gives you le- well, in my case, life flipped me the bird and took off toward the sunset in a -53 Cadillac Eldorado.
Point is, I'm pretty much fucked.
Now I'm stuck in a world of pastel-coloured equines, all from having a few too many drinks. I rubbed my temples in a soothing manner in an attempt to soothe the raging headache. ”Maybe I should make a promise to myself to stop drinking?” I mused.
”...Nah...” Who knows, I'll might need some alcohol for me to stay somewhat sane. With nothing else to do, I patted down myself to see if I had something of interest in my pockets. In my front right pocket was my wallet, as always. I'm pretty sure none of the ponies would accept dollars as a legit currency, meaning that I'm pretty much broke. Happy days for all... I also had my ID and some other crap stuffed in there.
I grinned as I felt the familiar shape of my phone in my left front pocket. I brought it forward and activated it. It still had full battery power, at least. As expected, it had no reception whatsoever. I shrugged as I unlocked it with my right hand as I continued rummaging around in my left pocket. I could not describe the feeling when I found the thing I was not expecting.
My crappy but still functioning in-ear headphones. And... They're tangled in a hellish way... I groaned and set the phone down, then untangled them. After that, I plugged them to my phone and turned on some music.
Take! Your! Tyrant!
I sighed contently as the musical orgasm provided by Týr clouded my mind. Music always had a strange way to calm me down in stressful times. After a few minutes, I felt a weak tug at my arm, and turned my head to come face-to-face with Bad Movies. She looked kinda concerned... I gave her a goofy grin and removed the left headphone. ”Did you want anything?”
She let out a breath. ”Oh good, you're alright...” She brought a hoof to her chest and took a few breaths. ”I said your name several times, but you didn't react so I thought something had happened...” She continued rambling.
”Uh...” I stared at her for a few moments. ”I was listening to music, and I had headphones plugged in so I couldn't hear you. Sorry 'bout that.” I shrugged and held up my phone, unlocked it and paused the music. When she didn't answer, I looked up to see her staring at my phone.
”What's... What's that?” She asked curiously while perking her ears forward. I grinned. Well, at least I could have some fun with her to pass some time...
”Oh this?” I raised my hand holding the phone a little. She followed my moment and nodded. ”It's just some alien technology which has never been seen in Equestria ever before...” I could almost swear that she was drooling and her eyes sparkled. Her ears lowered slowly. ”Just think about everything you could learn from studying it...” I jiggled it just in front of her face, and she followed its every movement. I made sure that the screen was still on as I prepared for the last part. ”So... Do you want to study it?”
”Yes!” She screamed. ”Oh Celestia, yes!”
Meanwhile in the main room of the library...
”Yes!” Spike heard Twilight scream. ”Oh Celestia, yes!”
Spike froze and his right eye twitched. He laid down and started sucking on a thumb. ”Unhear, unhear, unhear, unhear...” He muttered.
Twilight looked almost like she was ready to burst at any given moment. She stared at the piece of technology in my hand longingly. I grinned sadistically, and moved the phone away from her and flipped it into the air. She gasped. I caught it with my other hand expertly and turned away from her.
”Well too freaking bad.” I could almost hear glass shatter as her expression turned sour. Her mouth hung open and her ears shot back. I cleared my throat and pretended to speak to the phone directly. I discretely moved my finger to the button which turned off the phone. ”Phone, initiate complete data destruction.” I pressed down on the button, and the screen of the phone went dark.
She looked horrified and she stuttered. I fought with everything I had to keep myself from laughing at her expression. ”You...bu...I...tech...destroyed...” I walked past her and patted her back.
”Tough luck, kiddo.” I said and walked back to the stairs. ”Everything that happened in this basement is confidential under the Oath of Snoopy and Batman. No one, human or pony is ever supposed to know everything on that device.” I shrugged. ”It's a bit of an overkill, but no one wants to face the wrath of Woodstock or Elmo.” I faked a shudder. ”Nasty stuff...”
”But... You said...” She argued weakly.
”I know what I said, therefor I have to erase your memory of what happened here...” I patted around my pockets one last time, and felt a tiny box. I pulled it up, still facing away from her. It was Tic-Tacs. Perfect... I deposited one into my right hand and slipped it into my pocket once again. ”Avast, ye foul beast!” I shouted and turned toward her. She screeched and tried to run away from me.
I managed to catch her before she was able to gain some ground. She thrashed and shot a few stray magical bolts. All of them missed me, but one of them was way too close for comfort... I pried her mouth open and deposited the tic-tac in it. She thrashed for a few seconds, until she stopped.
”Is that... A breathmint..?” She asked carefully, glaring at me. I dropped her, and she turned to me with a frown instantly. I brought the box of tic-tacs out of my pocket, deposited three in my hand and threw them into my mouth.
”Minty. Fresh.” I gave her the biggest grin I could manage to do. I brought forward my phone and activated the screen and showed it to her. ”What? Was this what you wanted?” I asked innocently and battered my eyelashes.
She gritted her teeth and... Is that smoke coming from her ears..? ”You... You... You!” She raised her voice. I took a step back and gulped as the temperature in the basement grew higher with every passing second.
And that's how I learned that unicorns ponies can turn into a Ponyta when they get pissed, I shit you not. Her hair actually burst into flames and her coat became pristine white. I raised my arms and backed away from her, ready to make a break for it if I had to. Weird thing was that as soon as it started, it ended abrubtly.
She was breathing heavily, still glaring at me and a grim scowl on her face. I grinned and backed away from her slowly. She started taking deep breaths while counting to ten. After that, she looked up at me with a creepily calm smile. Her right eye twitched once. ”If I remember correctly, you were hungry, right?” I nodded. ”Well then, let's just go to Sugarcube Corner then for something to eat...” She walked past me with her head held low and her ears back.
I shrugged and followed her. 'She'll be fine, I'm sure she can handle a joke... Or two... Or three...' I chuckled. She glared back at me and stared for a few solid seconds, then turned back and walked up the stairs. I decided not to push my luck any further and kept silent as I followed her. When we were at the main room-place-thi... Y'know, I think I'll just call the entire thing just a library. Too confusing to keep up with all the names for different rooms. Kitchen, bedroom, living room...
Fuck it, it's in a library so it will be called just a library.
However, near the middle of the room was the little lizard-thing, Spike. ”Do you want to come to Sugarcube Corner with Jay and I, Spike?” Twilight asked him. He jumped as she placed a hoof on his shoulder.
”No uh... I'm fine. I had a big breakfast.” He shrugged. His eyes darted around the room. ”Sooo... How did it go in the basement? Had any fun..?” He cringed. Twilight and I glanced at each other, then at him.
”Nah, bro. It ended too soon to be that fun.” I grinned. Twilight groaned. Spike eeped and looked away.
”Let's just go, Jay...” Twilight growled and trotted out into the streets. I followed and closed the door behind us. As soon as I exited the library, several ponies heads turned toward me. Some of them lookes less than pleased to see me. Eh, probably because of the... Splash I caused last time I came here...
Let's just say that I seriously hope that fountain wasn't made to drink from...
I walked a little faster as some of the bulkier ponies started approaching me. But when they spotted Twilight, they just kinda... Backed off... Are those ponies who could easily swat Twilight scared of her? How the hell does that make sense? It's not like she packs enough power to whoop some evil's ass! I mean, look at her! She's freaking tiny!
...Well, pretty much all of the ponies are tiny, but she's still kinda smaller than all the other ponies I've seen. ”We're here.” She said suddenly. I looked where she was looking and there was a house that looked like some... Giant gingerbread house with loads of candy accessories.
You know, if there's a witch in there I'm just gonna turn on my God damn heel and run away from this town and to never return. She walked inside and by the nine, everything looked so sugar-induced I would just die from breathing the air inside. I followed Twilight to the counter. Behind the counter was a tall, lanky yellow pony with a tiny hat on his head. I narrowed my eyes, and so did he.
That's the fucker who clocked me in the back of my head with a stone. He looked down to Twilight and smiled, but glared at me shortly after. ”So... What will you two have today?” He hissed.
”Uh, I'll just have a blueberry muffin. What about you, Jay?” She turned to me.
”Same as you...” I never looked away from him. ”And some coffee. This hangover isn't exactly treating me too well right now...” Twilight nodded and levitated some coins onto the counter. The dick of a pony slid a cup of coffee and two muffins onto the counter. I snatched my order from it and turned away.
”What was that about..?” Twilight whispered to me. ”I've never seen him act so... Hostile to anypony before.”
”Yeah well, I'm not exactly a pony, now am I?” I muttered. ”'Sides, he threw a stone at me last time I was here. He has a surprisingly good aim for having to throw something with his hooves...” I growled. She shook her head.
”Oh daaaarling~” Twilight turned her head to where the voice had come from. ”Twilight, come sit with us back here!” Twilight smiled and started walking to some white unicorn with a curly purple mane sitting next to a yellow wingy-pony and...
Oh sweet Jesus, not her... Anyone but her! Sitting in front of the yellow pony was a pink pony with a poofy pink mane. I gulped audibly, but followed Twilight to the table anyway. Twilight sat down on a bench and scooted in, leaving me a seat on the bench as well. Right... next to the pink demon...
”Well girls, this is Jay.” She motioned toward me with a hoof. ”He ended up here after some magic mishap containing a dimensional doorway and other magical theories.” All of the ponies at the table, including me stared at her. She sighed. ”...He's stuck here after some magic went haywire.” Now the ponies nodded and I leaned back in my seat.
”Welcome to Equestria then, darling!” The white pony beamed. ”How do you find it so far?” She smiled.
”Well...” I scratched the back of my head. ”Your princess is kind of a bitch, all of you smell like barnyard animals, I'm stuck here and I can't wait to mosey off back home. All in all, it's... Sorta acceptable, I guess.” I shrugged. The ponies stared at me slack-jawed. The yellow pony squeaked and hid beneath the table. ”What? Was it something I said?” I sipped from my coffee.
The pink demon was the first one to recover. ”Well... I should throw you a party when you're gonna stay here! Wouldn't it be fun?” She giggled. ”I'll invite everypony so they get to know you better! It's gonna be awesome, right girls?” She turned to her friends, who all coughed awkwardly and looked the other way.
”Err yes... Twilight, may I talk to you in private for a minute?” The prissy pony asked Twilight. Twilight nodded and followed her to the far corner of the shop. I watched them go, and when I glanced over the counter the pony who had served us was still glaring at me whilst slowly wiping a cup. I rolled my eyes.
-Third pony switch-
When they were sure that the human couldn't hear them, Rarity turned to Twilight. ”You do realize that pretty much everypony holds a grudge on him after last time he was here, right?” Twilight nodded. ”And do you realize when he stays with you, you're positioning yourself in the line of fire?”
Twilight nodded again. ”Look Rarity, I know he can be rude, but he's completely lost here. He doesn't have any bits and nowhere to stay. I would feel horrible if I threw him out. I think he's just putting on a brave face to hide the fact that he's scared...” Twilight sighed.
”I... suppose it could be like that, but it does not change the fact that he insulted Princess Celestia just like that.” Rarity frowned. ”And his outfit is so tacky...” She glanced back to the table they had left. Both Rarity and Twilight had no idea of what to make of the situation.
Jay was holding a batch of cupcakes to his chest while hissing to Pinkie pie. Pinkie accepted the challenge and growled back at him, while reaching for a cupcake. Jay snarled and turned his upper body away from her, holding the cupcakes just out of Pinkie's reach. Pinkie's eyes narrowed and she snarled, growled and barked like a rabid timberwolf.
Jay eeped and lost his grip on the plate, dropping the confections on the ground. In some reality-bending manner, Pinkie was able to catch all of the falling cupcakes with her mouth. After the deed, she burped and bounced back to her seat. Jay stared at her in silence, until he finally raised his fist. Pinkie understood the gesture and bumped her hoof to the fist.
”I have a strange feeling those two will have fun together...” Rarity said, ”and I am not sure if that is good or terrifying...”
”It could be a little bit of both...” Twiligt shrugged. ”Now come on, let's go back to them. We can talk more about this later at the library.”
”I will come by later then, darling!” Rarity smiled and sat down by the table. Jay stood up and allowed Twilight to walk past him and return to her place.
”So we'll have the party tomorrow then?” Pinkie squeaked excitedly. ”I usually just throw a surprise party, but this is gonna be so fun!” Pinkie waved her hooves.
”Yeah well, as long as we play it cool I won't have any problems with a party.” Jay scratched his right forearm. ”I don't really like surprises. They usually just piss me off.” He shrugged. Pinkie shot from her seat and hugged him. Jay's eyes widened at the sudden approach, but he rolled his eyes and tried to focus on something else.
”I'm gonna go and check my party supplies! Bye Jay, bye girls!” She hopped away, humming a song.
-First person switch-
”I... Can't smell anything else but raspberries and cotton candy...” I said slowly. The ponies around the table raised their eyebrows, even the yellow one peeking over the edge of the table. I heard someone gritting their teeth. It wasn't a big surprise that it was the pony by the counter. He obviously didn't like my close encounter with Pinkie. I grinned.
My grin widened and I waggled my eyebrows. Before I could react, a cup was flying right at me. I caught it with my forehead. ”That's fucking it!” I shouted and grabbed a chair from the table next to me, ran toward the counter and leaped over it. I swung the chair toward his head, hitting the mark. The chair splintered and I released it, then punched him right in the nose, drawing blood.
He headbutted me, making me stumble back a few steps. He turned around and bucked me in the stomach, making me bend forward and cough. He prepared to buck again. I rolled away from his hindlegs just before they made contact, grabbed the left one and punched him in the stomach.
As he tried to recover, I grabbed him and threw him over the counter. I followed him, and as I closed in on him, he punched the three times with his left foreleg. Didn't help that he was wearing horseshoes... After a final punch, I felt my nose break and a constant stream of blood ooze from my nose. I stumbled back a few steps, but kneed him in the face as he tried to charge me.
The ponies screamed as I threw him onto a nearby table. I punched him in the stomach again, but he kicked me in the stomach, making me take a few steps back. He stood up on the table and leaped toward me with a mad glint in his eyes. I grinned. Before he could get too close, I grabbed his throat and smashed him to the floor. He stayed down after that. I glanced around the shop to see that the ponies who hadn't fled were staring at me with wide eyes.
Twilight and her friends just glared at me, but the yellow pony was.... Still hiding... I felt light-headed and tried to regain my balance. ”Well... That was one hell of a failure at a good first impression...” I slurred.
Then I fell unconscious.