//------------------------------// // 40 - Writing on the Cake // Story: The Memoirs Of A Reality Jumper // by Techogre //------------------------------// I was aware of the darkness. Not the inability to see. That’s different. This was the visual awareness of darkness. I was fairly sure this was a dream. The only question was, is it just a weird dream or the start of another damn nightmare. But this feels so much more real. What if it’s not a nightmare? The pulling in my gut put ice in my soul. That same sensation of... oh god, no! No, no, no, no, no! Not now! Not now! Oh god, Dash. I have to wake up. I have to warn her. I have to get you away! I’ll never hold Scootaloo again. I... wait. Hold on. This... this is different. It's the symptoms of a jump without the substance. The world around me changed from black to an undulating grey to a great ever-shifting expanse of colours and hues and intricate patterns. Images faded in and out. Chaos and confusion. Nothing made any sense. Yet, I found if I stilled myself and looked, I saw what looked like...a unicorn? Or the shape of one in all that chaos...chaos...then I heard a voice in my head. It was not Luna or the princesses but a deep male voice. Calm, subtle, yet clear. "Good. You took a step back to view the big picture. But it is not their sincerity you should be questioning. And is it the individual parts or the united whole that are important?" It finished with an inquiring tone, like that question was testing me. Why is Morgan Freeman a voice in my head? I awoke with a start to find Celestia’s sun peeking over the mountains. I was relieved to find I had not jumped, and I was left puzzled as to the nature of the dream. Still tired, I cuddled with my angel and once again fell asleep. I was woken up by the sound of a pony knocking on the balcony door. I quickly put on a shirt and pair of shorts, then carefully stepped onto the balcony, quietly closing the door behind me. There, a blushing Derpy looked away and sputtered, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to... I mean, I didn’t realize... I mean, I knew you and Rainbow Dash were... I mean...” With a chuckle and a warm smile, “It’s alright,” I did my best to hide my discomfort in saying her name, “Derpy. Dash is still sleeping. Is there anything I can help you with?” “Not really. I don’t think you can fly, can you? Of course not. You’re like an earth pony. You don’t have wings. What was I going to say?” I grew a little confused,  “Oh, right. We got a report early this morning of a giant freak thunderstorm. Every pegasus on the weather patrol in Ponyville is being called in to help. I was sent to find Rainbow, and when she wasn’t at home, I thought she might be here. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.” Derpy looked away shyly again. “It’s alright, Derpy. Anyway, you’re family. How could I possibly get mad?” I smiled broadly again. “So, let me wake Dash up and get her breakfast.” I thought for a moment, “Did you have breakfast? You’re welcome to join us.” She looked down shyly, “No, that’s alright. I had some of the wonderful muffins Caramel made last night. But thank you for the offer.” “At least have a cup of coffee while you’re waiting. Just come in the back door and make yourself at home. I’ll get Dash going and be right down to make coffee and breakfast. Once she’s fed, you guys can go and save us all from a terrifying storm.” She suddenly got a very serious expression, sat up straight, and snapped off her best military salute. “Yes, sir!” She flew off with a burst of wind that was noticeably less powerful than the one Dash makes. I quietly opened the door and crawled on the bed. Dash lay there, her mouth was slightly open, her legs and wings all sprawled out. She looked positively adorable, and I almost felt guilty for doing this. Almost. Moving carefully, I whispered in her ear, “Good morning Rainbow Dash. Time to get up.” Her mouth closed, a light smile grew on her lips. “Wakie, wakie.” She started squirming, her smile growing. “Time to go take care of that big bad rogue thunderstorm.” Dash’s eyes snapped awake, and she sat up very quickly. Fast enough for her head to impact mine. “Ouch!” She was laughing, rubbing her forehead, “You goof! Are you okay?” I also chuckled, rubbing my forehead as well, “I’m fine. No thanks to my own actions.” I heard the door downstairs opening, telling me Derpy had come in. Dash started stretching, “So, what was that about a thunderstorm?” “Derpy was looking for you. Something about a rogue thunderstorm. So, you go take a quick shower, and I’ll make some breakfast for you. Oh, and don’t be surprised-” She was already gone. As I hurried carefully down the stairs, I heard a ‘Hey!’, followed by an ‘Eep!’ then a crash, ending with ‘Derpy! What are you doing here?’ When I arrived in the kitchen, Dash was in an aggressive stance, wings erect, and Derpy was trying to pick up my coffee pot, a look of embarrassment and panic on her face. “Hey, sweetie, it’s alright. Like I was about to say before you took off, I invited Derpy inside for coffee while you were getting ready.” A bashful Derpy drew a little pattern on the floor with her front hoof, “Sorry, Rainbow Dash. You scared me.” “Yeah, well, I didn’t expect you here. So, I guess, make yourself comfortable. I'll go have a shower and be back in a few.” I bent down to give her a kiss, but her eyes flicked worriedly towards Derpy, and she turned away at the last moment, and it landed on her cheek. “Something quick and high energy? Eggs, oatcakes, and a few hay pucks?” She looks uncomfortably at Derpy, “Sure, whatever. Just make sure there’s some strong coffee, and I’ll be happy.” I watched her go off to the bathroom, then went about the task of making breakfast. In an effort to maintain Dash’s happiness levels, I started by making a full pot of strong coffee. As I was filling the coffee pot with cold water, Derpy spoke, “Alex, can I help? Is there anything you would like me to do? I was going to make coffee, but Dash said, ‘Hey’, and I got startled, and I dropped the coffee pot, and I tried to pick it up, but Dash said, ‘Derpy! What are you doing here?’, and...” I interrupted the increasingly flustered blond-maned pegasus, “My dear Mrs Derpy Hooves. You are a guest in my home. Your job is to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea. I’ve got this all under control.” Putting the coffee on to boil, I could hear the shower starting. I grabbed a carrot and some lettuce, broke them up by hand, and put them in Tank’s bowl, along with clean water. Derpy’s voice was a mixture of awe and maybe fear, “How did you do that?” As I started mixing some oat cake batter, I said, “Do what? Make the coffee?” I hear the sound of hooves on the porcelain bathtub, telling me Dash is in the shower. I smirk as she rolls her eyes, “Not that, silly. I mean cutting the carrot without a knife. Do you have cat claws? The kind that goes in and out like a cat?” I chuckled kindly, “No, I guess it looks like that though. It’s just the difference in the way I grab stuff, more lateral strength, I suppose.” It was just a simple mixture of oats, flour, milk, some sugar and a pinch of salt. I also started prepping a second frying pan for some eggs. I would wait until after Derpy left before cooking up the bacon. “So, how are things with Caramel, and how is Dinky adjusting to life with a new dad?” “Just wonderful. There were some rough spots, especially around parenting issues, but we worked them out. And, um, cousin Alex? Since I’m here, I wanted to share the news with my family. I think I’m pregnant.” She giggled, a bright smile on her face. “I’m seeing the doctor this afternoon to make sure, but,” she rubbed her belly, “at about mid-Summer, there's going to be some more love in our family.” I smiled broadly, “Congratulations!” I also felt something surprising: a burst of hard-edged envy. I prayed it didn’t show. “So, mid-Summer, you say?” She nodded happily. “I never realized ponies were in the oven that long.” I regretted the words as they came out. Derpy looked horrified and started moving away from me, tripping once or twice. “Oh my goodness! Derpy, that’s just a saying where I come from. ‘Bun in the oven.’ Waiting for a baby is like baking a bun in the oven, get it?” I smiled, hopefully in a calming and amusing way. Derpy came back to the table. “That’s a really scary way of saying, ‘The seed’s in the soil’.” She once again looked sheepishly at me, “I’m sorry I was so silly. It’s just... I know you’re nice, I know you would never hurt me or any pony, but you’re so tall, and you have all those scars, and I know you won’t try to eat me, but I saw your teeth and...” If it was possible, she looked even more sheepish. I smiled, dropping to a knee, rubbing the back of my neck, “Yeah, I’m sorry I look the way I do.” She gave me the most sympathetic, heartbreaking look of a mother stumbling onto a sad child. Before I could say anything else, Derpy shushed me, “Now Alex. Don’t be silly. No one can help the way they look. It’s not like you cut yourself up to look scary.” I winced at this. “ You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.” She looked down sadly, “I’m the silly one who panicked and upset everyone.” “Now, Mrs Derpy, being super critical of oneself is my job. On that subject, I’m sorry. For being scary, I mean. And as far as the baby goes, I hope you’ll keep me updated. I’m very, very happy for you and Caramel. I wish your baby well. So,” I chuckled, “silly question. When will you start showing?” Before she could answer, I smelled something burning, “Oops, I need to take care of breakfast.” A much calmer Derpy, talking about her upcoming bundle of joy, happily answered. “With Dinky, I started showing at six months. How... how long do mares take to show from where you come from?” I flipped the oatcakes and thought for a moment. “Ann, that’s my human wife, started showing after about four and a half months. Mind you, humans are only pregnant for about thirty-six weeks.” I had my back turned to Derpy, working on breakfast. I was expecting a barrage of questions but only heard silence for the longest time. When she spoke, there was ice and anger in her voice. “Does Rainbow Dash know you’re a two-timing cheater? Does Ann, know you’ve abandoned her and your foal for some unicorn that’s prettier and smarter than her?” I choked down my sudden urge to raise my voice. She didn’t know, after all. "I was unwillingly taken from my home, Derpy. And we have no idea how to get me back. I’ve accepted I will never return, which is why I am making a new life here. Do you understand?" She looked suspiciously at me, “I guess. I’m still not happy with you. I heard you have a magic scroll that lets you talk back home.” Her eyes narrowed, and her voice lowered, “And why Rainbow Dash? She’s not very pretty.” I smelled burning and muttered under my breath, “Damnit.” I turned and quickly took the oatcakes off the heat then scraped them onto a plate. “Derpy...” I let a long sigh escape, “I love Ann and my two kids, Dan and Lily, but I’ve lost them forever. Not even the Princesses can send me home. Ann knows this. And because of this, she told me to build a life. That life includes Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. I did not abandon Ann, and I will not abandon Dash.” I raised my voice a little, despite my attempt to control it, “And for the record, Dash is very beautiful.” In the moment of silence that followed, my thoughts turned to Derpy’s accusation. I was surprised. She was always so chipper, so meek. Yet here she attacked me pretty vehemently. I wonder if... Before either of us could speak further, my beloved came into the room. She smiled a little sadly at me, “It smells good, Alex. Sorry if I was a little snappy.” She paused for a moment, “And for the record, I think you’re really handsome.” I dropped to one knee. “Thank you. I didn’t mind. You’re not a morning person.” I made to kiss her cheek. She repositioned herself for a proper kiss. I pulled away and smiled. I stood with a theatrical clap of my hands, “And, so, madam, with the great help of good conversation from our dear friend Mrs Derpy, who I am happy to announce, is expecting a little bundle of joy.” Dash smiled at her friend and hugged her, “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. “I, your humble servant, have prepared breakfast for the hardest working mare in Equestria.” As I started plating the food, I called over my shoulder, “Are you sure you don’t want any? I made lots.” As was normal with ponies, any signs of distress or negative emotions quickly vanished. Derpy titered, “You keep offering, and I keep saying no.” Dash chuckled, “You get used to that with him and food. It’s a human thing. It means he thinks of you as a friend. And if he ever offers to share bread, don’t worry. He’s not trying any funny business.” I couldn’t help but chuckle, “Only with you, dear. Lucky for me, the first time I tried sharing bread was with an understanding friend. Where I come from, sharing bread or any food, really, is an act of friendship. It’s like saying, ‘I trust you, I am or want to be your friend, and I’m even willing to share my food with you.’ Ponies are lucky. You don’t really seem to need that.” Derpy got a sweet smile, “Oh, that’s so nice, thank you. I... I guess I could have an oatcake.” “Good, you’re eating for two now.” I serve her a plate of three nice oat cakes and have all the trimmings, pony and human, on the table. Dash slathers some jam on her oatcakes as I fill her mug. I pause before filling Derpy’s cup. “Um, can pregnant mares have coffee? I don’t want to hurt you or the baby. I can make tea.” She got that look that told me she thought what I said was adorable. “Of course, I can, silly. Why?” I shrugged, “Well, human moms shouldn’t drink it when pregnant. But I don’t know anything about mares.” Between bites, Dash commented, “I wouldn’t say that.” I snorted, trying not to draw attention to her comment. “Anyway, big ‘ol cup of coffee then?” Derpy smiled kindly, “Yes. A cup would be wonderful.” She then locked eyes with Dash for a moment and in the universal language of wives everywhere. In that split second, they spoke volumes to each other. Derpy smiled shyly. With that, I quickly finished serving the meal, then busied myself packing a lunch for Dash. I made sure the two pegasus had a good breakfast, and then we said our goodbyes. I made quick work out of the dirty dishes and got ready for my own day. Had this been almost any other day, I would have gone straight from home to Sugar Cube Corners for coffee then straight to visit Applejack, but today I was going to linger at the Cube for a very important conversation. I had to ask Carrot for his official opinion. The familiar merry jingle of the bell that sounded by the door opening made me smile. Behind the counter, the always-busy Mrs Cake greeted me with her usually motherly cheer. “Hello, dearie. Your usual?” “Not quite yet, Cup. Right now, I need to talk to Carrot. Is he in?” I looked away shyly, “It’s a... personal favour.” Mrs Cake seemed to be taken aback at my request, “Oh, my, I hope it’s nothing bad. Is it?” “No, no. Me and Rainbow are adopting Scootaloo.” “Oh my, that’s just wonderful news, dear. That little Scootaloo is a real firecracker, such a nice little filly. I’d heard some gossip about that, but it’s nice to hear good news from the source.” “Yes, ma’am, it is. As you likely know, I’m not from around here,” we both chuckled, “so they need some affidavits about my fitness to be a dad. Specifically, they wanted one from Carrot. So,” I shrugged, “here I am.” “Alex, dear, I’ll get Carrot. Those muffins can wait.” I had a sudden, inexplicable feeling that I had to apologize to Derpy. “Thanks, Cup. I really, really appreciate this.” Cup Cake paused at the kitchen door, looking back at me with that motherly smile, before heading into the kitchen. I was a little startled when I realized Pinkie had been standing right beside me. I caught a whiff of her cotton candy scent, and the corners of my mouth rose involuntarily. That girl can just put a smile on your face just by being in the same room. I spoke quietly, “Hi, Pinkie. How are you?” While I was surprised by her sudden hug, I was shocked by the sadness in her voice. “I’m really sorry, Alex. Really, really super duper sorry. I don’t know about the others, but...” She sniffed loudly. “Some days I wish I didn’t have my Pinkie Sense.” “Woah, hey, Pinkie. What’s wrong?” “I’m just sad that I can’t change what’s going to happen next.” “What do you mean?” “Tail twitch, shudders, cramp in my left back leg, tail droop, and tickly teeth means a bad review.” I had heard of her infamous Pinkie Sense but had never encountered it directly like this. “Oh, well, okay. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I totally do, but let’s just see what happens.” She stepped back, wiped her eyes, and while her eyes were still sad, she favoured me with a huge grin, “Okie-dokie-loki! It’s only one out of three, right? I’m sure everything will turn out just fine.” “Yes, ma’am. I’m sure-” Carrot stepped out of the kitchen, “Hello, Alex. My special Cup Cake says you need to speak to me?” “You bet, Carrot. As you are no doubt aware, Rainbow Dash and I are adopting Scootaloo. Due to my... alien nature, for the adoption to be approved, I need to get some affidavits as to my fitness as a father. You were one of the people they wanted an opinion from. Carrot, can I ask this favour of you? Not that I thought you would put things in my favour, but there we go.” He looked at me uneasily, “Are you sure you want me to give you an honest review?” I paused before answering. I think I see where Pinkie was headed. “Yes, Carrot, I do. Even if I could have chosen my three reviewers in Ponyville, you were the top choice. He tilted his head a little, “Why me? I’m not a hero or anything special.” I smiled sadly, “In another life, I was you. Worked at a job I liked, did my best to be a good dad and good husband.” I was lost in thought for a moment, “Lost it all, of course.” I looked up with a smile, feeling hope, “Still, a new life here, right? So, will you do this for me? Will you give me your opinion? Good, bad, or indifferent?” Carrot considered me for a long moment, “Well, alrighty then.” He went back into the kitchen. Cup looked at me worriedly, “Don’t worry, dear. My Carrot speaks highly of you. I’m sure he’ll write a glowing report. Here, have a cup of coffee while you’re waiting.” “Thanks, Cup. Hey, while I’m waiting, I’d like to set up a tab for Miss Sweetheart. Unlimited, payable directly by me.” “That nice social worker that takes care of foals in need? That’s very generous.” She hoofed me my cup. “Well, Cup, she does good work with those kids.” I took a sip, and as always, the coffee was perfect. “I’ve gotten a close look at what she does, and I think it will help her treat those kids special. Many of them have had it rough, and Sugar Cube Corners is a ray of sunshine for them. Just, um, don’t tell her it was me.” Cup looked slightly confused, “So if she asks, who should I tell her did his.” I thought for a moment, then snickered, “Tell her it was Golden Coins, but he wants to remain anonymous.” She chuckled, “Oh, Alex. That’s so mean.” I continued, smiling broadly, “How so? I do a good deed; no one knows except us, which is how I like it, and Coins gets the public credit. Maybe it makes him think about following up with his own acts. Even if he denies it, his is the only name associated with the deed. And the bonus? You get a little extra business.” I thought for a moment, then chuckled, “As a further bonus, it annoys the hell out of Coins.” Cup smiled in irritation at me, “Alright. But I’ll tell them it was you, you big mean softy.” I laughed out loud, “Tell you what, leave it anonymous, and I’ll be happy.” Cup simply chuckled and nodded. At that moment, Carrot came out of the kitchen with a scroll, sealed in what looked like a blob of cake frosting. With rainbow sprinkles. He placed it on the counter. “Well, Alex, here is my honest opinion.” Strangely, he didn’t make eye contact with me. “Cup, give him his two coffees on the house. And some pastries.” Cup’s eyes narrowed, “Why the sudden generosity, dear.” I knew the inflection Cup was using. She thought he was up to something or trying to hide something from her. Every husband knew that tone. Part of me was pleased it was directed at someone else. Carrot shifted from side to side. “Oh, haha. No reason. No reason. Can’t I thank a... a loyal customer?” I suspected I knew why. I’m not that stupid—still, there's no point in punishing the guy for doing what I asked. “Carrot, thank you very much for the coffee and treats, and I want to sincerely thank you for your honest opinion. No matter what it is.” I put my hand out and maintained a friendly smile. He gulped in fear. I’m sure I saw his hoof tremble a little. I made sure to very gently shake his hoof and speak only in the softest tones. “Thank you, Carrot. When I said I wanted your opinion, I was serious. I hope it’s positive, but even if it’s not, I’ll always be in your debt.”