Sorry that’s the end of the song; the only thing left is the redundant outro. I ask for your lenience, ain’t nopony got time to read that, because I know I don’t have time to write it. Don’t panic though it’s not the end of the story I’ve got what you all came for. Pony Bones and I tried to time it so the story would wrap up the same time as the song, it doesn’t matter I’ll go acapella like Slim Stallion.
WARNING! This story causes sidesplitting laughter… literally. Not a bad way to go if you ask me, that’s how I’d want to go out. Laughing in the face of death is so much better than living in fear of life.
Dadgom Pony Bones got me good this time, with one of the oldest tricks in the book no less. Have you ever woken up with shaving cream in your hand when you rub your eyes? Yeah, he must have gotten tired of all the horse apples I was giving him, what I want to know is how he pulled it off. I never sleep, so if you want to pull a fast one on me you have to wake up pretty early, cause I wasn’t born yesterday. Oh well I had it coming it’s about time he got his.
I thought you’d like to hear a more recent story, I haven’t been this excited to share good news since… last chapter! I’m not going to say that I never meant what I said about Celestia earlier because frankfurterly that would be about as true as a five pound stick of bologna. However I am willing to call it water under the bridge now that I’ve got some elbow room to Lean Like a Polo.
Also this is my public apology to Fluttershy for the Tartarus I put her through during my reformation, it wasn’t fair to vent my frustration on her. Just because I never got my fair chance doesn’t mean I have the right to ruin other pony’s lives. I’m just grateful she had the patience and kindness to put up with me until I got my act together.
You’d think with how much I’ve been stalling this story must not really be that important. Well that’s the end, thank you for reading!
Oh, you’re still here, darn. Next time I’ll have to write a sentence a chapter to find out how much patience everypony has before they start disliking the story. So go ahead hit the dislike button until it breaks for all I care, I’ll keep laughing until I get a hernia!
Allow me to cut to the chase, sure it’s old news that I’m back on the streets of Equestria but you probably didn’t know than that Celestia granted Screwball clemency and then invited us to the Grand Galloping Gala. So if it sounds like I’m making more sense than usual it’s because I was so dumbstruck I tied my tongue in knots to make sure I hadn’t harmonized. I sphill haphenth goth the knoth outh.
Our night started out like any other night before an agonizingly refined hoedown, cleaning up in the Canterlot Caverns.
“Dissy, when you’re ready would you mind giving me a hoof? This subterranean aquifer is not doing my mane justice.” Screwball’s musical voice echoed off the cave and crystal walls making her a choir of one.
“Since when has anypony done us justice? I’ll be right there.” I grumbled stepping into my stilettos.
Screwball stuck her head through a crack in the cave wall, “What’s wrong Discord I thought you of all creatures would be bouncing off the walls now that you’re free. Do I need to tell Celestia to turn you to stone again to give you more personality?”
Screwball wasn’t kidding when she said she needed help with her mane, if we were above ground I would have said she was about to be struck by lightning and in spite of all that she was still gorgeous.
Removing my antler I bent it into an impromptu comb and started working out the knots, “Thanks Screwy it means a lot that you still care for me after all this time but I’ve had quite enough of being a draqonikin. If I had anymore personality they would have to wrap me up in a spider web straight jacket.”
“And then you would be all left hooves on the dance floor, Discord it’s been such a long time you better not have gotten rusty.”
Kissing her on the cheek I promised, “Never.”
You’re probably wondering what I’m doing in a beret, dress, and stilettos and what Screwball is doing in a pinstripe suit and fedora, well Equestria still sees us as the villains so why not fulfill the stereotype? Besides who else would go to the Gala as Bunny and Clydesdale?
We rolled up to the Royal Ball Room in the way only we could. In a burning refrigerator, I handed the reins to the slack jawed valet, opened the door for Screwball and stepped onto the red carpet. All conversation stopped, everyponies eyes immediately locked onto us.
“Well hiya folks, if you stare long enough I might do a trick!”
“Behave yourself.” Screwball said squeezing my paw.
Cutting through the crowd of kneeling ponies Princess Luna welcomed us in the old Equestrian style I am so fond of, “WE BID THEE GOOD EVENING FAIR SCREWBALL AND DISCORD!”
“AND A FINE EVENING TO THEE AS WELL, WE THANK THEE FOR THY KIND RECEPTION YOUR MAJESTY!”
I love using my big draqonious voice, have you ever yelled at someone just to yell at them and seen the color drain from their face? The only thing better is when they actually roll with it and you have a completely civil conversation at the top of your lungs, try it sometime.
“THE PLEASURE IS OURS, WE THANK THEE FOR JOINING IN OUR FESTIVITIES, PLEASE COME IN!”
We made our way to the front of the reception line and hooved our tickets to the door pony to the hostile stares of the dignitaries in line. They looked so upset I blew them a kiss to fix their hurt feelings but I don’t think it worked.
The DJ was a good friend of mine, Vinyl Scratch, so I made my way to her turntables.
“Hey Vinyl, long time no see.”
“You’re telling me, and I see you’re back with Screwball, how’s it going girl?”
“Screwy as usual.” Screwball curtsied and tripped in a giggling pile, did I mention I love that mare?
“Tell you what this parties pretty dull right now how about a duet?”
I brushed my claws on my neck, “Oh I don’t know these ponies never did appreciate my singing."
“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”
“As a matter of fact.” I reached down my throat and pulled out a drenched and rather unhappy looking Opal, looking across the court I saw Rarity stalking Prince Blueblood, yeesh, why do all the good mares have no taste in coltfriends? I shrugged and tossed Opal over my shoulder into an urn that would take her back to Carousel Boutique “Huh Sweetie Belle must be house sitting for her sister, I hope the boutique is still standing.”
Vinyl fell over her turn tables laughing until the music skipped drawing some annoyed glances from nearby guests, “That joke never gets old, but seriously when has a tough crowd stopped you from crashing a party?”
“Pleeeeeease Dissy it’ll be fun!” and Fluttershy thought her stare could be intimidating, hah, nothing compared to Screwball’s puppy eyes.
“How can I refuse two beautiful mares? Vinyl the mics please.”
“Coming right at you.” She said passing us a set, “What about your beats?”
“Surprise us.” I said over my shoulder heading towards the stage.
Vinyl winked through her sunglasses and reached up to her dustier LP section, “I’ve got just the song for you.”
Johneigh Cash and Jane Canter came crackling over the speakers, how fitting, snapping my fingers I dimmed the lights and swung a spotlight in our direction.
“Hey colts this is the time when you want to slow dance with your mare, I could lie here forever and listen to the falling rain. I didn’t think I would ever be touched this way again. Until you came you smiled at me and rolled away the years. Back to a place where there was time enough to love, and love enough to give, you give me that old time feeling.”
When we were done I squinted into the spotlight, no flying tomatoes or eggs just silence… Then slowly a stamping of hooves, “Encore! Encore! Encore!”
Screwball jumped up and kissed me on the cheek, “See Dissy, they don’t hate you as much as you thought they did.”
“And that’s why you’re my better half darling, so what do you think should we oblige them?” I said bowing to the crowd.
“Why not? Hey Vinyl kick it up a notch would you?”
“I was wondering when you’d ask.” Vinyl said throwing her hoof up and head banging.
The grinding sound of the Equicide Machines started blaring over the speakers, now we’re talking. I started slam dancing across the stage, “HEY, What I like about you, you hold me tight! Tell me I’m the only one gonna come over tonight! Yeah, keep on whispering in my ear; tell me all the things I want to hear! Cause that’s true that’s what I like about you!”
The expression of the crowd went from admiring fans to a frantic stampede to get out the door, by the end of the song it was just Vinyl, Screwball, and I.
“Looks like we’ve got the dance floor to ourselves ladies.”
“And the hors d'oeuvre table too.” Screwball said licking her lips, “I’m starving.”
“Nopony can say this is a Gala they’ll forget.” Vinyl said dancing over to an exotic looking fruit tray.
“I’ll drink to that.” I said up ending a punchbowl over my head and sipping the glass through a crazy straw then carefully setting the punch back where it came from.
“We really brought the house down didn’t we?” Screwball said through a mouthful of cake.
“Just like old times, right Celestia?”
Vinyl spat out the star fruit she had been snacking on and fell to her knees, Celestia just smiled mischievously with a raised eyebrow, “Enjoying yourselves I see.”
“Yes, your majesty.” Screwball and I said bowing in unison.
“Just don’t get carried away, the court isn’t as spirited as it used to be.”
“Perish the thought your majesty, we shall, as they, say wind it down.” I said pulling a wind up key out of my back.
Celestia allowed herself a reserved giggle, “It’s good to have you back Discord.”
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD! I never thought I’d get Celestia to admit that, it just goes to show life without Discord may be pleasant but it sure is boring.
Pony feathers, all this sentimentality is making me philosophical. That’s what Pony Bones gets for grabbing a draqonious by the tail.
You’ve been a wonderful audience, I’d give you all a pie, but I’ve got a pie fight with Screwball after the Gala. I can’t believe nopony will buy Applejack’s home cooked goods, oh well more for me! Catch ya’ll on the flip side!
