Last Time on THE GOD SQUAD!
Dr. Whooves, Dinky, and Mary Sue the red maned, black coated alicorn stood on the bridge of the Tardis, their jaws hanging low as they stared at the command screen. There was Derpy... only half of her body had been replaced with machinery.
"I am Derputus of the Borg..." Derpy intoned. "All your muffins will be assimilated."
"...Doctor..." Dinky said calmly. "Fire."
AND NOW, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!
“Uh… there are no weapons,” Mary Sue pointed out. “This is a time machine, not a space ship.”
“I installed some!” Dinky said happily. “There are machine guns and laser cannons and this thing called a ‘Punch of Kill Everything’, and-“
“How did you manage to install all of that on my Tardis?!?”
“Mama helped me… isn’t that right, mama?”
The wall-eyed cyborg stared straight ahead from the monitor. “I am Derputus of the Borg… and yes, that is correct.”
Mary Sue frowned. “For an evil cyborg she is rather pleasant.”
“The borg sent me to cyborg finishing school,” Derputus informed them.
The Doctor let out a long-suffering sigh. "Dinky, might I try a different tact before we blow your mother up?"
"...ok!" Dinky said happily.
"Thank you. Now then, tell me Derpy... do you even know what 'assimilate' means?"
"... to eat with nice warm butter?" Derputus guessed.
"No. To the borg, it would mean turning the muffins into more borgs... so you couldn't eat them."
BOOM!
The Doctor whipped around, the TARDIS shaking as the Borg Cube exploded. "Mary Sue, stabilize that lever there! Dinky, press those two yellow buttons to the beat of 'Smoke on the Water'! Derpy, put down that muffin and-" The Doctor stopped, staring at a no-longer-borg Derpy, who was happily eating a chocolate chip muffin. "How... how did you even get on here... how..."
"Happy second season, everypony!" Derpy said with glee.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 1: A Game of Pwns
"Hello Princess... I mean, Celestia." Twilight giggled a bit as she happily cantered into the throne room, glad that she didn't have to wear her ceremonial gown or crown today (it being, of course, Casual Friday; every third Tuesday was Wacky Tacky Crown Day). "It feels weird calling you by... well... your name."
Celestia smiled serenely from her throne. "You will get used to it, Twilight, I am sure of it. Tell me, how is everything at your castle?"
The purple alicorn grinned,. "Great! There was some issues getting the courts to recognize Rollypolly as a prince, but once he glomped them they gave in. Oh, Spike is really getting into being captain of my guard..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Captain," one of the privates said softly, not wanting to get another lecture, "I know it is not my place to question you... but are you sure we are best serving Princess Twilight by following around this unicorn Rarity and taking pictures of her while she undresses?"
"DO NOT QUESTION MY ORDERS, MAGGOT!" Spike shouted.
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia nodded. "Of course he is. Now then... what would you like to do today?"
Twilight pursed her lips, considering such a simple question with the same focus she would use for a complex math problem. What with them being in-between world-ending disasters, the princesses pretty much had all day to just hang out. "Well, I have a lunch date with Fluttershy... she sent me roses and candy." Twilight held up a pair of edible panties. "They are very yummy! You want a piece?”
"I am good," Celestia said, ignoring the little pang in her heart as she thought of what Cadence would have said if offered cherry-flavored undergarments. "So, when do we go?"
"Uh... well, I guess you could come along..." Twilight shifted nervously. "Princess Celestia, can I speak honestly?"
"Of course, Twilight. I want you to speak your mind and not-"
"You are way too clingy and it is creeping me the (CENSORED!) out!"
"-hold...back..." Celestia blinked in surprise at Twilight's outburst.
The purple alicorn sighed. "I'm sorry... but it is true. You keep following me around and spending time with me...”
“I don’t know about,” Celestia said.
“What about at the pet get-together last week?”
~Last Week~
Celestia looked at Rarity’s cat, bald as a monk thanks to an ill-timed blast for fire from Philamenia. “… I am sure that will grow back.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“ I don't mind but... don't you have any other friends?" Celestia bit her lip but Twilight didn't notice the awkwardness that was gathering around them. "I mean, what about Luna?"
"Well..."
~Meanwhile, in Detrot…~
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
Luna groaned, rolling off the floor, her hooves connecting with several beer bottles that littered her dirty apartment. After moving out of Canterlot Castle it had occurred to the lunar princess that for the first time in her life she was on her own: no Tydal setting up rules about coasters (they lived in a watery castle that was made of stone, what was he worried about?), no Celestia telling her not to put her hooves up on the table… it was just her. She could do whatever she wanted… cut loose and really have some fun and not worry about living up to anypony’s expectations.
A piece of pizza feel from where it had become stuck on the ceiling and landed on her horn.
‘Alright, so maybe I went a bit too far…’ Luna thought. She blinked her bloodshot eyes and smacked her lips together; waking up hungover sucked and the only cure was more booze. “Wasted again in Margaretaville…”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
“I’m coming!” Luna shouted, throwing on her bathrobe. She checked her pocket to make sure her bong wasn’t sticking out before trudged up to the door. "Who is it?"
"EPS.”
“EPS?” Luna asked, throwing open the door to reveal a mailpony. “Oh, Equestria Postal Service. Where is Derpy?”
“She had to do the cold opening so I am filling in. Package for a Ms. 'Pencil Luba'?"
"Princess... Luna."
"It says Pencil Luba. Are you Pencil Luba?"
"...yes," Luna grumbled, pressing her hoof to her head.
"Are you ok?"
"Just... a rough night. I had a bit too much to drink..."
Iron Will emerged from the bathroom. "Luna, we're out of shampoo!"
"...ok, more than a bit," Luna muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
"...she is very busy and I hate to bother her," Celestia said, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice. “So, lunch with Fluttershy?”
Twilight frowned, cursing herself for pressing that line of questioning. Gossip had spread fast through Canterlot about Celestia's falling out with her sister and with Lord Tydal.... and Shining Armor and Cadence weren't options either...
~Meanwhile, at Tydal’s Keep…~
“Tydal… sweetie,” Merida said gently as she cautiously approached her husband.
“Yes,” Tydal said, never opening his eyes. He was seated in the lotus position, his head tilted down and his breathing steady and even.
“Everyone is a bit worried about you. We know you are upset about Celestia and Luna-“
“The path they chose is the path they must walk,” Tydal stated. “It does no good to invite negative emotions into my soul. I wish them well.”
“…right, love, but the thing is that… we don’t think you are handling this properly. Ever since you started your yoga exercises you’ve… well…”
“Oh?” Tydal said, getting out of the lotus position and moving into one-hoofed stance. He began to bring his forelegs towards him before pushing them back, as if he were drawing in the air then shoving it away. “And how would you have me behave, life partner?”
Merida frowned. “Stop calling me that. And I want you to react with rage and ange. Merida sniffed, tears in her eyes. “You haven’t murdered a single pony in days! Come on, don’t you want to commit some bloodshed? Go out and terrorize a village? There is one just a few miles up here where every pony says the word ‘like’ way too much…”
“Violence against the world is violence against yourself,” Tydal said serenely. “I have chosen to become a pacifist.”
“HE’S POSSESSED!” Coral screamed, rushing into the bedroom with a lower-case t tucked under her arm and some of her grandmother’s tears in a vase. “The power of murder compels you! The power of murder compels you!”
Misty entered the room, blood dripping from her horns and a mask that resembled her father’s fave hanging off her tail. “Ok… so I killed a whale and left its head in downtown Manehattan… that should buy us a few more days to snap father out of this before ponies start asking questions.”
“We are as important as that whale,” Tydal stated with a serene smile. “We are all part of the same ecosystem… that is why it is wrong to kill.”
“…I don’t even know you anymore!” Merida sobbed.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Princess Cadence?" one of the crystal ponies said softly, trotting up to their leader. "Are you ok?"
Cadence had seen better days. Her meds left her feeling sluggish and the loneliness of being in the Crystal Empire had caused her to lose any desire to keep up her appearances. Her mane was a tangled mess and she had taken to wearing a ratty stained bathrobe. At the moment she was lounging on her dais, wheezing.
"Hi chuba da naga?” Cadence grunted (being up north had given her the same sinus infection that had plagued King Sombra), grabbing another box of donuts. She stuffed four of them in her mouth, powdered sugar snowing on her chest.
"Princess... the royal doctor is concerned with your diet..." her adviser said gently.
"Haku?" Cadence said, her jowls full of donut.
"You've put on 180 pounds and they said if you gain any more weight they will have to cut off your hoof!"
"Mi chuga,” Cadence complained, grabbing a bottle of crystal syrup and chugging it like Celestia during her frat days.
“No princess!" the guards rushed over, trying to stop the plump alicorn. Cadence looked at the food, weakly reaching for it, when she spotted that one of the boxes of treats was infact doggie biscuits… Shining Snacks, to be exact.
“ Uma ji muna,” she screamed at the treats.
~MC~MC~MC~
At a coffee house in Canterlot, an MC stepped up to the mic set up in the back of the darkly lit dining area. The audience was made up of latte swilling hipsters who tried way too hard to appear aloof and were into things only because it was ironic and lame to be into such things. "Testing testing... April is the cruelest month, cruelest month..." Satisfied that the mic was working, the pony cleared his throat. "Mares and stallions, Kafka's Coffee Bar is proud to present Mr. Shining Armor."
Shining stepped up to the mic, a far cry for the noble captain he had been. He wore a tight black turtleneck, a little black beret and tinted glasses that were perched on his snout. He nodded to the ground before speaking.
"The sun peered through my blinds again, chasing away the ebony lies that played upon my punished sockets. Old cigarette ash filled my mouth like the remains of some lost kingdom built upon the legends of a sick fool. The mirror presented the world corrected, for the land I lived in had been reversed and altered. 'Treben' I said to myself, not caring about the meaning."
The patrons clicked their hooves together.
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight walked up to her mentor and nuzzled her. "Princess, I know you are lonely and I don't mind you coming with me... everywhere... except maybe the shower..."
"But now your back is so clean!" Celestia said. “Say, we should have another shower! Right now!”
"...maybe later. My point is that you need to go and find a solution for your blues yourself... the answer won't fall out of the sky, you know?"
A bolt of lightning struck Celestia, leaving a bit of ash where she had stood.
"...ok, so I need to blame this on Prince Blueblood somehow..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia groaned, struggling to lift her head up. "Ugh... Tydal I don't want to go to school today..."
"That is your choice, my dear.” The solar princess bolted up, staring in shock at the god of the sea. Tydal was once more in the lotus position, his eyes heavy-lidded. "Life is full of choices and it is wrong to judge others based on the ones they make.”
Luna sat up, her eyes bloodshot. "By the Creator, did Will slip something my morning Bloody Mary?" She looked around before letting out a wail. “MY BOOZE!!”
"Gra...gra..." Cadence wheezed, clearing her throat. "Ow... that hurt… where is my fried bacon sandwich… that will make the pain go away."
"I believe a pink slug ate Cadence,” Tydal said, stretching like a cat. “Oh well, circle of life.”
"I think that is Cadence," Luna commented. The lunar princess tilted her head as Cadence continued to huff and puff, her round, bloated belly dragging on the ground. "I... think... maybe it wasn’t a good idea to take that acid I bought from Cheerilee…”
"Darkness around me with only fools and traitors to keep me company," Shining intoned.
“Shining Armor… I have no opinion good or bad about you,” Tydal stated, performing a crouching crane stance.
"What the hell is wrong with all of you," Chrysalis complained the last of them to stand up. “By the Creator did you come down with Cerberus Syndrome or something?”
Celestia frowned. "What are you doing here?"
The changeling queen shrugged. "I have no idea. One minute I was watching the Country Changeling Jamboree while looking over my nude photos of Shining Armor, the next I am here."
"We brought her here... as we brought all of you."
The ponies, capricorn and changeling looked around, their magic flaring as the lights burst on and revealed their captors.
"Oh... this is bad, is it?" Chrysalis muttered.
"Much worse than that," Luna said in fear.
Celestia swallowed, looking out at the thousands of chairs that rose around them, encircling the small group and leaving them no place to run or hide. "The worst place imaginable... the Parliament of the Draconequus.”