//------------------------------// // The Crazy Thing About Regret // Story: Jokers Wild // by blowngasket //------------------------------// Chapter 11: The Crazy Thing About Regret Perry didn't like hospitals. They were boring and the food was terrible. The only redeeming feature was that they smelled of death, and even then it didn't matter because he was cooped up in a room. Across from him in the opposite bed was an elderly man, who kept asking Perry if he wanted to see pictures of his grandchildren. No matter how politely he declined, the man was insistent. He only had to be in for the night to make sure his wound wasn't infected, the annoying stitches already taken care of. Had it not been the promise of early release, and his use of his freebie already, the old man might just pass on in the middle of the night. Let's not forget the struggle with the doctors on why he needs to remove his mask, which didn't fair well, and in the end a bill for a thousand bits worth of property damage was sent to Canterlot. Luna would be pissed, but he kept solace in the fact that Celestia would get a chuckle out of it. Fluttershy, on the other hand was an in and out case. She wasn't hurt at all. At most shaken up, but she was perfectly fine. Perry could only smile happily knowing he did his job well. Ignoring the old mans babble about birthday parties, he began to write a letter to Celestia and Luna. Perry made sure to include a detailed repost on the incident, mainly the attack in the woods and his reasons for the hospital stay. He also, in regards to the crushed devise, gave a half hearted apology, making sure to say it was more the doctors fault than his own. Satisfied, he gave a snap of his fingers, sending the letter to Celestia, just as she taught him to. "Ohhh! You are one of them magical folks," the old man said to Perry. He nodded, happy to finally hear him talk about anything else besides happiness and family. "Yes I am, but I am not all that good," Perry lied. He wasn't very fond of using magic, but his skill was actually greater than most actually knew, though not nearly as versatile as Twilight's. In terms of offensive magic, however, he knew more than he would let on. His thoughts were interrupted by a nurse entering the room, wearing her pink hair up in a bun, and donning the traditional white hospital uniform. "You have a visitor," Perry instantly perked up, "Mr. Spice," and then slouched back down in disappointment. "Go ahead and send them in," Mr. Spice said happily. Before the nurse could even say anything, three small children ran in and almost tackled the man out of the bed. Perry watched as the two small boys and small girl happily hugged Mr. Spice. He smiled and returned their hugs as best as he could. "Oh it is so great to see all of you, I was just telling that nice young man over there all about you. Hey sonny, could I ask you a favor?" Mr. Spice looked over to Perry. Reluctantly, he gave a slight nod, though not sure where this was going. The children just stared at him for a minute, unsure of what to think of the man wearing the mask. "My granddaughter was recently discovered to have the gift of magic herself, but we really don't have anyone else in the family that can do it. Think you can teach her a thing or two?" the boys and the girl quickly surrounded Perry jumping up and down. The boys were wearing matching tee shirts and shorts, the only difference was their hair color, one was brown like Perry, and the other was a blonder color. The little girl was wearing a frilly pink dress. Her red hair almost like Applebloom's. "You are gonna show us magic, mister?" the brown haired boy asked, jumping about quickly. "Lemme see! Bet you could blow stuff up with your mind!" the blond haired one shouted. The little girl just stayed silent. "Salt, Pepper, don't go saying things like that. He is also in the hospital after all, so be nice to the young man," Mr. Spice said to his two grandsons. They frowned and looked down. Perry simply chuckled at them. "It is fine, sir. Your grandchildren are just excited, that's all. I think I can teach something simple," Perry said happily. He looked down at the little girl who had been quiet the entire time. "What is your name?" "It's Cimmanon...I mean...Cinnamon," she said quietly. He couldn't help but chuckle at the girl's cute response. "Well ,Cinnamon, my name is Perry. What would you like to learn?" he asked her softly. "Umm...what's magic?" Perry tilted his head slightly. It was an off question, as he never thought about it himself. It was just a thing and he knew it. Twilight would have been better explaining the more complicated aspects, but he did his best anyways. "Well... magic is... umm...give me a second here to try and phrase it right," he took a few seconds before he started to speak again. "Magic is basically the ability to take the energy of the land and use it to do neat things," Perry said. An unscientific answer, but he figured Twilight would have approved. "So you can do neat things then?" she asked, watching him. "Yup. All I have to do is use the energy for what I need to use it for. Here, it will be easier to demonstrate. Mr. Spice, if you will be so kind to hold out one of the pictures, please?" Perry asked. Mr. Spice happily complied. He then started to concentrate on the picture. "This is one of the first spells that any magic user learns to use. The levitation spell," she watched with curious eyes as he focused on the picture. "Helping hands, guide my will and let me hold the infinite," the picture started to rise and float over to Perry, and made his way into his hand. The children all clapped and smiled. A more advanced user would laugh at Perry's need for the incantation, but he never really used the levitation spell. "What's with the funny things you said before?" Cinnamon asked Perry. He simply chuckled at the way she asked these questions. "Well, those funny things are called an incantation. When you're not used to using a spell you have to speak those words. It is like a focus for your brain, and it tells the mana, or the energy I was talking about, what it needs to do. Without the words the mana is confused and won't do what you ask it to, at least until you get used to the feeling of what it is doing," Perry told Cinnamon. "So mana is alive?" she asked all cutely. He smiled under his mask, noting how the girl was listening to what he was saying. Mr. Spice was smiling at the scene, staying silent to let him lecture. Salt and Pepper were a bit fidgety, but they stayed quiet as well. "Kind of...It is like the life of the land itself, abundant all across Equestria. Us magic users just have a more sensitive connection with it, but in return we are not as physically strong as those who are less connected. Why don't you try?" he held up the photo. "Imagine the photo being held in the air by a hand you can't see," she looked at the photo and started to concentrate, making an adorable scrunched up face. "Ok now repeat after me, keeping the image of the hand in your head. Helping hands, guide my will..." "Helping hands, guide my will..." she said quietly, still scrunching up her face. "...and let me hold the infinite," Perry finished the incantation. "...and let me hold the in...finite," Cinnamon also finished, though a bit slower trying hard to pronounce infinite correctly. "Ok now keep thinking that your invisible hand is hold onto the picture and open your eyes," she carefully did as instructed as Perry lowered his hand. The picture stayed where it was for a second, before she gasped and lost concentration, causing it to fall back into his hand. She looked down, sad that she couldn't maintain it for long. Perry gently ruffled her hair and chuckled. "You did a great job for a first time attempt. You should be proud." "You really think so mister?" Cinnamon looked up at him hopefully. "Yup. You might even be greater than the wizards of olden times. You just have to practice and work hard," Perry said to her. "You hear that, Grandpa? I am going to be great!" Perry gave her back the picture. She ran back over to Mr. Spice, who only smiled at her. "Watch this, Grandpa!" she repeated what she did, and after saying the incantation, managed to float the picture for a few seconds before it fell back down. Perry watched her, then noticing out of the corner of his eye, several sets of eyes watching him. He merely chuckled and continued like he didn't notice them. "Thanks, young man. I know the hospital is an odd place for this. You're a kind man, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you," Mr. Spice looked at Perry. "I just wish I could watch them grow up as well." "Grandpa, don't be silly, you will be around forever!" Salt said innocently. "Yeah! The hospital will make it all better!" Pepper responded. "I'm sure it will, kids. Now it's time to go, Grandpa needs his rest if he is to get better," he smiled at them. They all got up and got ready to go. Each of them gave him a hug. "Bye grandpa!" they all said in unison. Cinnamon walked up to Perry and gave him a quick hug. Perry awkwardly hugged her back in return. "Thanks again, Mr. Perry," she said as she walked out the door as well. She peeked back into the room. "Hey Grandpa, are all these strange girls out here your friends as well?" Perry laughed slightly. "No, they are mine. Tell them they can come in whenever, but they should hurry up! Visiting hours are almost over!" he said loud enough for said girls to hear him. Sure enough, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash walked in, each with a huge grin on their faces. "Aww who knew that you were such a big softie," Rainbow said to Perry, giggling slightly. "What? I always liked making children happy. It comes with the jester job description, literally. One of the questions on the application was 'do you like to make children happy?'" "Just ignore her, Perry. We are here to check up on you," Twilight said. "How's your back?" "Only lost about a pint, so there is nothing to worry about," Perry said nonchalantly. "It itches like crazy, but that's to be expected." "Perry!" Pinkie started to jump, catching Perry attention. "What kind of balloons should we use for your party, and what kind of cake, and who should we invite, and..." Twilight stared at Pinkie. "Pinkie calm down, give him some time to..." "Balloon animals are the way to go, I really liked that cake we had the other day, and who shouldn't we invite!" he chuckled. Everyone stared at the two as they started to talk quickly. "Oh, Perry, you're just so super awesome! We have got to plan a party together one day!" Pinkie said to him, Twilight and Rainbow groaned loudly. "Yes! We must make it happen! It will be the biggest thing since the biggest thing ever! There will be dancing!" "And singing!" "Games! Lots of games!" "Fireworks!" Twilight finally interrupted the two, starting to get nervous. "Ok, he is fine. Let's go so he can rest," Twilight told everyone. Both Pinkie and Perry whimpered towards Twilight. Rainbow Dash was practically in stitches. "Oh my gosh! Another Pinkie. Can you imagine it?!" Rainbow said between laughs. "Yes I can, because it DID happen. Now let's go!" Twilight said to them. Rainbow stopped laughing and shuddered in fear at the memory. "Wait, multiple Pinkies? I want to hear the story!" Perry said, curious. "Well it started when..." Pinkie was saying when Twilight interrupted her. "Pinkie!" she yelled to her friend. "Fine... I'll tell you some other time, Perry!" he nodded and laughed. "Goodnight, girls. Have a pleasant sleep," he said to them. "Good night!" they all said to him. He waved as they exited the room. The room was once again filled with quiet, though it didn't last long. "Quite the crowd of fine dames eyeing ya, sonny," Mr. Spice finally said as the room became peaceful again. "No no, nothing like that. They are all good friends that helped me out today," Perry told Mr. Spice. "It would be nice to be that young again, though I am happy with the way I lived my life," Mr. Spice said. "Make sure you do the same, sonny. Don't live with regret in your life," Perry nodded, looking down slightly. The words of the wise. "Thank you for the advise. If I may ask, how long?" Perry asked him quietly. He felt upset at himself for wanting to kill this man. He wouldn't have actually done it, but still. "I'll be lucky to see next week, but I am ready to go. I have no regrets and that's all I need," he smiled. Perry looked over to him, tilting his head slightly. "I saw the world, met great friends, fell in love..." Perry, thinking about his own current love dilemma, blushed slightly behind his mask. "...and overall, the little things in life are what I remember the most. When I go on, I can go happy." "Death isn't something to fear, just what lies beyond. It sounds like you should be fine, so I will wish you well on your trip to the afterlife. Might want to bring something to read though, don't know how long it will be," Mr. Spice laughed lightly at his comment. "I appreciate that. Too many people only apologize like they could have had a say in it. Just makes me feel sad. I am glad someone understands. Well, time to rest. Maybe I will see you tomorrow...maybe not. Who knows?" he said as he rested back against his pillow. Perry figured he would do the same, needing the rest anyways. ---------- ---------- ---------- Perry silently walked out of the hospital. He was given a clean bill of health by the doctor, and was free to go except for a check up a week later. Mr. Spice passed on silently in his sleep that night, and Perry could only say goodbye to what remained. Never had death looked so peaceful to him. He wondered what it would be like to die with such serenity. After a nice walk, stretching out from his lack of movement, Perry found himself by his current residence. As he was about to open the door, he noticed a letter pinned to it. He opened it up to find a rainbow colored note. He started to read it PERRY!!!! you are invited to the 'I'm glad you and Fluttershy didn't end up as horse chow' party! 8:00 at Sugarcube Corner! BE THERE!!!! Perry laughed. She actually called the party that. He was starting to think that she might be crazier than him, but not by much. Pocketing the invitation, he figured he would go check on Fluttershy. He wanted to talk to her about yesterday, his thoughts about everything that occurred still bothering him. He knew what had to be done, though he wasn't looking forward to it. Perry found his way in front of that damned door again. Why did it always seem so hard to approach? He has scaled towers from the outside, climbed mountains, and ran up near endless flights of stairs. Why was a door so hard? He figured staring at it would not solve everything, and didn't want to risk Fluttershy see him enter as a cloud of ash again. Oh how awkward that would be. He chuckled at the mental image of Twilight coming out of nowhere and making him crispy as he appeared. His confidence back after that laugh, he knocked a few times and waited. The door slowly opened as the quiet girl looked out to see who it was. "Good afternoon, Flutt..." he was interrupted by the wooden door, or more so the wooden door hitting his head as it slammed shut. Thankfully, his mask took the damage for him, but it was still a shock. The door opened again, this time fully to reveal a very sorry looking Fluttershy staring at him, blushing slightly. "I-I'm sorry... I got nervous and...well..." Perry chuckled at her. "No worries. Having this thing does have its advantages," Perry said, pointing to his mask. "Umm...you can come in...if you want..." she said, looking away from him. "Are you alright, Fluttershy?" he asked. She nodded slightly as she moved out of the way. Perry went and took a seat on the couch, Fluttershy slowly taking a seat next to him. Both remained silent. Perry was honestly nervous right now, wondering what was wrong. She was being more quiet than usual. "I would like to talk about yesterday with you," Perry said to her. She continued to look down, avoiding eye contact, but nodded. "...hmmm where to start," he laughed slightly, embarrassed with his lack of ability to communicate what he we feeling. "Are you upset?" she asked, looking at him now, still blushing. "Not at you, heavens no!" Perry said to her. "No, it is more about me than anything else...I don't know what to think really," he said. "Perry..." Fluttershy wanted to speak to him, but she couldn't find the right words either. "I...don't think I am the right man for you..." Perry looked down. He could tell without looking that Fluttershy was shocked at this comment. She looked at him for what could have been an hour, even if it was only a few seconds. "Why do...why do you say that?" she said, trying to hold back her tears. Perry could only continue to stare at the floor. This was the right thing to do. He was no good for someone like her. "I am not the person you may think I am," he said to her. "We might as well be from two different worlds..." "...Perry... I..." "Fluttershy, if you knew what I have done, you would never even want to look at me again," he looked down. That old man...how does one pass without regrets? He wished he could know right now, because he was suddenly weighed down with the regret of all the lives that were taken by his own two hands. He wished it could have been someone else that had done what he had. He wanted to be clean, to be able to take back everything and be able to love her with all of his heart, or at least what was left of it. He was barely able to handle all the pressure. "Perry...please...don't say that. I know you're not a bad person..." Fluttershy started to speak, but she froze at what she witnessed. She saw tears leaking through the bottom of his mask. "That is it, Fluttershy! I am a bad person, a horrible person in fact!" he was trying to hold back his emotions, but the dam was cracked, and finally gave way as he started to wail. Never had he felt so much regret for his life. Where there was only one way he wanted to live, now there were two, and they were competing against each other, tearing him apart mentally. Fluttershy stared at him in shock, completely caught off guard. She could only watch as he was breaking down in front of her. "...I can't stand it!" Perry cried. "I just can't be with you! I only ruin everything I have ever set my eyes on... I don't want to ruin you too..." "Look at me, Perry..." she spoke softly to him. He turned his head slowly to her...unsure of what to say anymore. She slowly reached her hand to his face. "Fluttershy..." it was all he could say. She gently placed her hand on his mask. He fought to not slap her hand away, not wanting to hurt her. She slowly removed his mask, revealing his face for what it truly looked like right now. His eyes were reddened and puffy, and tears were soaking his face. "Perry, even if you have done things in the past," she tried her best to smile, even though she could see him breaking apart on the inside. "if you're hurting, it means that you do care about what you have done. A bad person wouldn't be hurting," Perry stared at her, still sniffling slightly. "No matter what you have done, I will still forgive you as long as you're willing to forgive yourself." Fluttershy was right, and he needed to hear that. Could he forgive himself? He had done what was necessary to keep the people of Equestria safe, but it could be argued that he had done it for himself as well. He couldn't keep up the act anymore. She needed to know the truth about him. He wasn't willing to accept her kindness without laying all of the cards on the table. If she did accept him for what he was, then maybe, just maybe, he could try to be with her. If not, then he could end this agony he suffered and go back to what he was without any regrets. The last of his emotions would die, and he could continue to be the merciless psycho he enjoyed being. He trusted her enough to show his face, and he wanted her to know why he believed he couldn't be with her, even though he wanted to. "Fluttershy...I need to tell you..." he calmed himself down now, taking a deep breath. "I am an assassin for the royal court..."