“It’s around here somewhere, hang on Dash.” Pinkie reached inside a hole in an old oak tree. After a few seconds, she found the dossier. “Aha! See they’re right where I left them. We have Applejack, Applebloom, Big Mac, Granny Smith, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.”
“Oh neat, you have one on me?” Dash took a step closer. “Let me see.”
“Sure thing,” Pinkie replied. She handed the folder to Dash, who shoved it under her wing.
“Thanks, I’ll be keeping that. Now, let me see what you have on Big Mac.”
“Dash, it took me weeks to dig up all that information on you,” Pinkie pouted.
“And if you don’t want anypony to know about Mr. Turnip, and the bucket of rocks, I’m keeping it.”
“Fine. Now, take a look at Big Mac’s career history.” Pinkie laid the dossier open on the ground under a street lamp.
International Secret Intelligence Service. Agent: ________ Code name: ‘Big Mac.’ Equestrian security number: __________ Hire date: _______ Discharged: Other than Honorable, on ________
Griffonia, August __________. Operation: Dusty Saddle. Unit: Stallion Team Six. Target: ______________.
Agent successfully entered country on ______, and lead team to target, following mission parameters. The team was discovered when ____________________ and Big Mac decided to _____________. The fallout from his failure to __________________ resulted in severed diplomatic ties between Equestria and Griffonia. It also killed a building full of __________________.
“Pinkie, how is this supposed to help? All this tells me is that you have a permanent marker and too much free time.” Dash sighed and tossed the folder back at her.
“Silly mare, your best friend Pinkie Pie knows the whole story.” Pinkie patted Dash on the back. “Let’s walk and talk.”
“Let me guess. You’re not going to let me go to sleep until you finish the story.”
“Yep! Now, I just need to set the mood.” Pinkie cleared her throat, and her voice dropped a few octaves. “It was August 4th, 1996, After Discord. . .”
==============================================================
A large red stallion in a black suit walked into the bar car of the train. Griffonia was still an hour away, and he needed something to take the edge off. “Barpony, one medium dry vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.”
He took a chair at the bar next to a beautiful young mare. “Lovely weather today,” he said in a hushed voice.
“It was raining fillies and colts earlier.” The mint green mare turned to face him. “You can call me L.”
“Mac, Big Mac. Do you have the disk with the blueprints?” He took the martini from the barpony and took a sip. Mac nodded in approval.
“The disc is right here. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid this time.”
“Name one time I’ve done something stupid, L.”
“Let’s see,” she retorted. “The fourth of July luau, trying to be king of a pirate island, and let’s not forgetting nearly killing us in an alligator infested swamp.”
“One time L,” he snapped. “One time I get lost in a swamp and you’re still whining about it. Now, we’ve got an hour left before we reach Griffonia. Why don’t we go discuss the mission in my private train car.”
“Noooooooope.” L walked away and exited the bar car.
“Barpony, another vodka martini, extra vodka.” Big Mac slid the empty glass across the bar.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Mac,” the barpony replied.
“We’ve got another hour left on this train, and you’re cutting me off? What do you expect me to do?”
The barpony reached under the table. “Why Mr. Mac, I expect you to die!”
Big Mac bucked the bar, diving backwards as a shotgun blasted through the bar where he had just been.
”Wait a moment.” Dash rolled her eyes. “Even if I believe the whole spy bit, you expect me to believe he got in a gun fight on a train?”
“Yes he did, and we’re not even to the best part!” Pinkie shouted. “There’s a helicopter!”
“I feel like I’m going to regret this, but please, continue.”
Big Mac landed on the floor. He drew his PPK from his holster. Mac fired two rounds at the barpony, who dove for cover. The doors to the train car burst open as four more gunponies burst through.
“I hope this pen Scootaloo made me works.” Mac twisted the top of the pen and flung it at the group of ponies.
Suddenly, there was an explosion. Outside the train car an Apache Helicopter fired missi—
”Ok, now you’re just making stuff up. The only helicopter I’ve ever seen is that candy cane one you ride around,” Dash interjected.
“I was just trying to make it more interesting for the readers, Dash.” Pinkie frowned, and turned to face the wall again.
“Don’t you mean ‘more interesting for me?’ And why do you keep talking to that wall?”
“Do you want to hear the story or not Dash?”
“Fine. . .”
“Come on out Mr. Mac, it is over.” The ponies kept their guns pointed at the booth.
“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Mac pulled out his tec-9 and tensed his legs. “Woooo!” Mac flew out from under the booth, spraying bullets at the ponies. “Rampage!”
“Quick, shoot him!” The ponies returned fire. They fired wildly, hitting everything in the car except Big Mac. Meanwhile, Mac didn’t miss the group of ponies.
He stood up and faced the barpony. “Give me that bottle of absinthe and I won’t kill you.”
The barpony took the alcohol in his trembling hoof and passed it over to him. Big Mac started chugging the green elixir as L burst through the door, tripping on the bodies.
“Mac!” L yelled. “They’ve taken over the train!”
He held up a hoof to silence her while he finished the bottle. “Wooo.” He took aim at the barpony’s knee, missing by several feet with his handgun.
Somewhere in the distance a pony screamed in pain. “Bret?” Mac hiccupped. “Is that you?”
“Aaaaahhhh!” A fuchsia pony with a pink mane was standing in the doorway.
“It’s okay, this isn’t what it looks like. Unless it looks like I got drunk and murdered a bunch of assassins, in which case—“ Mac was cut off by L.
“Mac, there are twenty more of them on the train, we’ve got to bail!” L took cover behind the door as the sound of gunfire resumed.
“Sure, you handle that while I get Miss. . .” Mac looked at the new pony.
“. . . Cheerilee, my name is Cheerilee.”
“While I get Miss Cheerilee off the train.” Big Mac guided her out of the train care. “Follow me.”
Inside the next car was a snowmobile. Mac threw the door open to the side of the storage car, and started up the vehicle.
“Ok, Cheerilee, we’re going to get off this train, and go somewhere warmer. Also, you should probably stay with me tonight, to stay safe.” Mac sat on the snowmobile. Cheerilee climbed on behind him.
Revving the engine, he flew out of the train car. As they rode up the side of the hill, bullets began raining into the snow around them. Glancing back, Mac saw six snowmobiles full of enemy agents on them.
“Aaaahhhhh!” Cheerilee shouted as a bullet flew within feet of them.
“Stop it, that’s right in my ear.” Mac focused on weaving around a few trees ahead to block some of the enemy fire.
Another bullet flew by, splintering a nearby tree. “Aaaaaahhhh!”
“If you don’t stop th—“ Mac was interrupted by another shrill scream. “That’s it!”
“Wait, what are you doing? Why are we slowing down?”
“Since you won’t stop screaming I’m going to kick you off and hope you clog up one of their snowmobiles.”
“No, I’m sorry. Please go!”
Mac reached over her shoulder with the tec-9, taking out two of the snowmobiles in fiery explosions. The others wove around the wreckage and resumed pursuit.
The tree line ahead was their best chance to escape. He swerved into the snowy forest, weaving between trees. Gunfire continued to fill the air behind them. He ducked under a low tree branch, and heard the snowmobile behind him crash into it. Moments later, he took some pot shots at one of the snowmobile. The driver swerved to avoid him, running into a large rock.
The two other agents sped up next to them. They started ramming Big Mac, so he rammed back. One of the agents pulled out a gun, which Mac deftly smacked away. Bringing his own tec-9 to bear, the enemy ripped it out of his hands.
“You drive, Cheerilee.” Mac jumped off the snowmobile, landing next to the two enemies. He knocked their heads together and yanked his tec-9 out of the enemy's hands.
“I don’t know how to drive,” Cheerilee replied.
“Just squeeze it and rotate.” Big Mac started slowing down. “Hang on.”
He fell back as the other snowmobile gained on Cheerilee. Holding his tec-9 steady, he fired a round into the fuel tank, detonating it.
Resuming full speed, he caught up to Cheerilee and jumped on the snowmobile behind her.
“Aaaaaahhhh!”
“I said stop it with the screaming!” Mac shouted. “They’re all dead.”
“No, that!” Cheerilee pointed ahead of them.
Mac slowed down as the clearing came into view. Twenty enemy agents and an Apache Helicopter were waiting for them. In the middle of the clearing stood Jaws, a pony with stainless steel teeth. He was Mac’s nemesis.
“Oh. Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.” He looked around the snowmobile.
“We meet again, Big Mac.” The sun reflected off Jaw's teeth. “Any last words before you die?”
A small compartment opened up on the side of the snowmobile, revealing just what Mac needed.
“I do have some last words,” Mac shouted to the whole clearing. “Rampage!”
Whipping the Rocket Propelled Grenade out of the side compartment, he took aim. Squeezing the trigger, twenty pounds of metal death was launched at the helicopter. The pilot swerved to the side too late.
The explosion knocked the enemies to the ground, peppering them with debris. The helicopter spiraled out of control towards a nearby building. Behind Big Mac, L and the rest of his team of agents arrived.
They got to the clearing just in time to see the helicopter careen into an orphanage, killing every filly inside. A group of nuns rushed in to put out the fire—
==============================================================
“Ok Pinkie, enough.” Dash pulled her friend away from the wall and looked her in the eye. “If you didn’t know why Big Mac is so quiet, why’d you waste my time?”
“That’s simple,” Pinkie answered. “It wouldn’t have been nearly as fun to read if I just said ‘Big Mac is shy.’ “
Dash jaw fell open in disbelief. “Wait. . . so that’s your theory? He’s just shy, and the whole story?”
“Well you didn’t seem happy when you left Octavia's house. I made the dossier and everything a month ago in case you ever got mopey. Read the one about Fluttershy, it's my favorite!”
Dash tried to relieve her anger by walking up to the wall and banging her own head against it. “Pinkie, promise me you’ll never speak of this, or that spy story, again.”
“Okie dokie loki! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
Sighing, Dash headed home for a nightcap and some aspirin. She was nearly a hundred yards away as ponies began to wake up and look outside at all the commotion.
Pinkie suddenly remembered something, so she shouted out to her friend. “Dash! I promise not to tell anypony you’re in heat either!”
Several more lights flickered on. Confused ponies looked around, and then one pony stuck her head out a window. “Pinkie! Go to bed!” The window slammed shut again.
Pinkie frowned and headed into the nearby alleyway. She walked up to her special somepony, who had been watching, and laughing, from the shadows. "Gee Braeburn, what do you want to do tonight?”
“The same thing we do every night, Pinkie,” Braeburn replied. “Try to take over the world!”