//------------------------------// // A Year Later // Story: Moving On // by Kaii-Leiko //------------------------------// "Good morning, Fluttershy." I hear her voice as though she's still there. My mind knows she's gone but my heart hopes that when I open my eyes she'll be there, laying beside me like she used to. I open my eyes and sure enough I'm overwhelmed with disappointment. Having her die on me was hard enough, but having my brain play tricks on me like that isn't making it any easier. It's been a year now since Twilight died. We were only married for a few minutes. Then again the point never was to live a long and happy life together. I knew what I'd signed up for. I don't regret it, not really. I loved Twilight, more than anything. That's probably why it hurts so bad now. I knew losing her would hurt but I didn't think it would take this long to heal. At this point I'm practically ready to admit it would never heal. A year and the pain hadn't subsided. Not one little bit. it's not even only pain any more. I'm angry too. Bitter. Not at Twilight. None of it had been her fault. For a while after she died everything was complicated. None of us could see how life could go on without Twilight Sparkle. She'd only been in Ponyville a short time compared to the rest of us but it had been enough. With everything we'd been through together we couldn't envision a future without her. That was only at first though. Time went on and we all returned to our normal routines after the 'appropriate' amount of time grieving. One by one my friends stopped mentioning her. They stopped going to visit her at her final resting place. Their smiles returned and they'd all pretty much forgotten Twilight Sparkle. I guess none of them felt like I did. They don't miss her as much as I do Whereas they all got healed and their pain subsided mine stayed strong. I still can't walk by the library without tearing up. I feel empty and hollow inside. There's a part of my heart missing. Twilight took it with her to the grave and I know what that means. It means I can never get it back. For the element of kindness I sure don't feel like being kind any more, which only makes me feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle and just as I suspected with Twilight gone I retreated back into myself. All the courage she'd given me disappeared along with her. I was back to my usual, shy, stuttering self. It was frustrating, to say the least but at least that was something I could handle. I forced myself out of bed, wishing I could sleep a few more hours. Sleep wasn't a relief either though. My dreams would rotate between nightmares of Darklight, the physical manifestation of Twilight's disease, and dreams where Twilight was there with me. We were living our lives. We were together. We were happy. So of course then I'd wake up alone and I'd start crying again. I do wish things could go back to normal, but I know they can't. Things can never be normal again. The pony I love died. I headed downstairs and Angel greeted me. He rushed to his bowl and begun tapping his foot impatiently. I sighed and made my way outside to the garden. Angel had gotten even more picky than he already was recently. For breakfast he would only eat fresh carrots from the garden. They had to be washed, peeled and cut in half or he wouldn't even think about touching them. If I were honest with myself I'd admit it was really annoying. Angel is the only one I'm still kind to though. It's the only way I've managed to hang onto myself. If I were a better caretaker I'd put my hoof down and get him to eat what I made, or what was good for him. But I always cave in. That bunny has a way of making me feel awful sometimes. Not to say he's bad. He's really sweet too. For the first few days after Twilight was gone he stayed with me every night and comforted me through all the sobbing. I brought the carrots inside and immediately set to work. As I prepared Angel's breakfast I thought about what else my day would consist of. The usual chores, taking care of my animal friends and such. After that the day was mine to seize though. What did I want to do though? The honest answer was nothing. But if I wasn't seen in town for a while it wouldn't be long before my friends came knocking on my door. I love them, I really do, but I'm not ready for things to go back to normal. And part of me is a little upset they went back to normal so quickly. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but I feel like Twilight deserved more time grieving from her best friends. The moment Angel was taken care of I started work on the rest of the chores for the day. I gathered the eggs from the chicken coops, fed the hens (and the rest of the animals), I cleaned as though my life depended on it and so much more. Despite all that by the time I was done it was still only morning. I liked having chores to do because it kept my mind busy. Now I had to find a way to keep myself busy for the rest of the day or I'd think of her again. It has been a year...Maybe it isn't normal to still feel like this after so long. I thought to myself in one of my moments of weakness. Internally, I glared at myself. No, I loved Twilight. So it was perfectly normal to be sad that she was dead. It would be abnormal if I wasn't sad. A sociopath. So take that logic. I revel in the few victories I get against myself. I'm the only one I can win an argument against. I was just thinking about taking a nap again when I heard a faint whooshing sound and felt a gust of wind rush over me. This wasn't going to be fun because that could only mean one thing. I turned towards the direction the gust of wind had been headed and sure enough there stood Rainbow Dash. The fastest flyer in all of Ponyville as she liked to call herself. "Hey 'Shy." She called happily. Rainbow Dash had grown up with me, kind of. We went to flight camp together and had known each other since we were fillies. Rainbow Dash knows better than anyone how I am so she was more worried than the others. Out of all my friends she's the one who comes to visit the most. It's sweet of her, and I appreciated it at first. Now it was getting annoting. On my worse days I don't feel like being bothered. Today I'm somewhere in between. "Oh, hello, Rainbow Dash." I said forcing myself to sound as okay as I could. Rainbow Dash wasn't fooled of course, she knew I was sad but not even she knew how much it still hurt. I never bothered to talk about it with anypony. "I was thinking maybe you'd like to go flying today for a bit, catch up 'ya know. It's been a while." She seemed excited. Her offer seemed innocent enough but I was suspicious. I couldn't keep up with Rainbow Dash on my best days of flying, and even at my best of flying I was sub par compared to pretty much every pegasus pony out there. "Oh, um, I don't know Rainbow Dash..." I quickly tried to come up with excuses. "I've got a lot of chores to do today." "I've been nearby all day Fluttershy, I saw you do at least most of them." She grinned. She'd been planning this... "And I'm pretty tired, I didn't sleep well last night." hopefully this one would work. "Yeah, but I'm pretty sure you haven't been sleeping well for a long time now." Shoot. "Maybe I just don't feel like it." I said this time, being honest. "This isn't about the flying Fluttershy, it's about spending time with a friend. We can do something else if you want." No matter what I said I was going to lose this argument. I didn't know what Rainbow Dash was planning but I had a feeling I was in for a bad time. I sighed. "Okay." ** We flew for a good fifteen minutes in silence. I was glad while it lasted but of course eventually Rainbow Dash said something. "So how are you doing? With...You know..." She trailed off, unwilling to say her name. Last time she'd said Twilight's name in front of me I broke down. It was awful. I was already in a foul mood. "I knew that's why you asked me to come out with you!" I said it accusingly, snapping at Rainbow Dash even though I knew she'd done nothing wrong. Her eyes widened in surprise and I was pleased with that. "Well, I wasn't really trying to hide it..." she started to say but quickly changed to her main point. "Besides, I had to. If we don't make you talk about it you don't talk about it at all. " "Maybe that's because I don't want to talk about it." I replied. "You have to, Twilight wouldn't have wanted you-" Rainbow Dash probably already knew the mistake she'd made. I immediately veered to the left and brought myself to a soft landing. Of course Rainbow Dash landed immediately after me and I spun on her. I probably looked scarier than I had at the Grand Galloping Gala as I screamed at her, something so unlike me. "Did Twilight tell you what she wanted for me!?" I was building up to make my point. "Well, no b-..." "We'll never know what she wanted, Rainbow Dash and do you know why?" I interrupted her. Rainbow Dash already knew what I was going to say, I could tell. "Fluttershy don't..." She practically whispered. "Because she'd DEAD! None of us will ever see her again." My anger subsided as what I said crashed over me and my eyes teared up. "Fluttershy..." Dash gently reached a hoof towards me "We're all hurting bu-" I was suddenly angry again. "How DARE you!? You have no idea what it's really like to hurt the way I am. You and all the others walk around as though everything's fine. You guys don't even care anymore, you probably don't even notice that she's gone anymore do you? I NEVER forget though!" It was obvious Dash regretted coming to see me now, and I took satisfaction in that too. She could never hope to understand the pain of losing the one you love the most. "The pain I feel never lets me forget, Rainbow Dash." Somewhere during all the yelling I'd started to cry and I didn't even notice. I only noticed now because the fur on my cheeks felt wet. "No, we haven't forgotten Fluttershy. We loved Twilight too. Life kept going though and it's been hard but we've had to move on. We'll never forget twilight, that's for sure. She'll always be special to us but our lives can't end because hers did." she sighed "I know that probably seems harsh but it's true." I angrily turned my head away. It probably looked pathetic with the tears though. "You need to move on too." I angrily stomped my hoof. It was childish but I was distraught and didn't know what else to do. I turned away from Rainbow Dash and started running. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was right, none of them would ever understand because none of them had ever been in love with Twilight. I heard Rainbow Dash sigh as I ran, she yelled after me "We want the kind Fluttershy back." For all I knew she died along with Twilight.