Men, women and children... None were spared the master's humps. Your death will be no different.
With my acting and sneaking skills in their prime, getting to the outskirts of town unnoticed was hardly a challenge. I even adopted a cardboard box at one point, role-playing Metal Gear Man as I snuck around in it. If only I had a tight spandex suit, then I could have role-played even harder.
Now outside of town and alone in a grassy field, I set down the pony corpse, glad to get the smelly thing off my shoulder. For some reason, dead bodies in this dimension take a really long time to despawn. No matter, it would soon be buried and then I would never have to look at the disgusting thing ever again.
I knelt down, poking at the ground with my hand. I didn't really think this far ahead. No doubt it would be much easier to dig a grave if I had a shovel or something. I guess I could just use my hands. How hard could it possibly be?
I pushed down, pressing my tender meat fingers into the hard-packed earth, and managed to unearth a small clump of dirt along with the grass and weeds growing atop it, before placing it in a tiny pile to the side. I repeated the process for countless seconds, pulling forth tiny handful of dirt after tiny handful of dirt. Finally, I stood up, wiping the sweat off my helmeted brow with the back of a gauntleted hand.
Looking down at the fruits of all my hard labor, I was shocked to see that I had barely even dug a tiny trench in the ground. It turns out digging a grave is harder than it looks. No wonder halos just despawn when they die. Graves suck!
I looked at the body laying spread-eagle in the grass, before looking back to the small hole I made, mentally judging whether or not it would fit. After a few moments, I decided that it was good enough. I dragged the cadaver over, pushing it into the small indentation in the earth, before using the dirt in the little pile I made to cover it up. I did my best anyway, the dirt hardly covered any of it!
I sighed in annoyance. This is WAY too much work just to dispose of a body. Whatever, nobody comes out here anyway. I can just leave it here and it will likely despawn before anyone even notices it. If only it was a halo body. Halos despawn within seconds of death.
Standing back a few feet and wiping the dirt off my hands, I looked down at the crudely made grave. The pony's head and legs poked out of the dirt pile and her tongue lolled out of the corner of her mouth. Surely even an autistic monkey with a plastic shovel could create a better grave, but I just don't give even half the shits required for me to do a better job. No matter, it's the thought that counts, and I thought I had already wasted enough time on it.
Now then, my knowledge of funerals is limited, but I'm pretty sure this is the part where a eulogizer comes in and talks about the deceased. I looked around, briefly wondering if a eulogizer would show up and make my life significantly more easy, but alas, I'm not nearly that lucky.
I let out a long, drawn-out sigh as I realized I would have to do this myself. Funerals are too much work. I really regret killing her now. If only I could go back and stop myself, then I wouldn't have to waste so much time doing this stupid shit. Whatever, I might as well get this over with.
"We're gathered here today to celebrate- no that's not the correct word- uh... Commemorate?" Sounds good enough so I'll just go with that. "The death of..." Wow, this is awkward. I don't even know this pony's name. "Pony..." I finished lamely. Thank Bungie I don't have an actual audience.
"She was a blue-ish-green color, and she had a horn... She will be missed. Please- uh, blessed pony god...? Send her to... Pony Heaven...? In Bungie's holy name I pray, amen." Shewf, I guess that wasn't so hard. Now that that's over with I can continue doing important things with my life. I turned around and began my short journey back to Ponyville. It didn't take long as I was only like twenty feet away from the town's outermost buildings.
Now that I was back in town I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Mission accomplished. With any luck no one will ever even notice that the pony went missing. Now to do... I really don't know. I never plan this far ahead.
My answer was given in the form of a double pink pony, walking through town, greeting every pony she saw. I'll go talk to her! I ran up a short ways and waved at the only pony in the immediate area that I know.
"Hey Pinkie."
She turned and gave me one of those big, adorable smiles. "Hiya Halo man! What have you been up to today?"
OH SHIT! She's on to me! She knows what I did! Just play it cool Halo man. Your powers of deception are beyond the comprehension of mortal minds. All I have to do is change the subject and she'll never suspect a thing! But how do I change the subject?! What could I possibly say?
Beads of sweat began trickling down my visor as I looked all around for something interesting. Then my eyes settled on exactly what I needed. A way out! A gift from Bungie himself! I pointed up towards a nearby tree. "Hey look, a bird!"
Sure enough, she looked and saw exactly what I was pointing at. "Yep. That's a bird alright." She said without a trace of sarcasm in her voice. Ahaha! Halo man wins again. Now all I need to do is keep her off topic and she'll never even realize I played mind games with her.
"So, what have you been doing lately?" How clever and nefarious I am, using a rehashed version of her own question against her.
Unfortunately, I soon realized the folly of my ways as she began spouting dozens of words about every single thing she had done lately. Not even rudimentary things like breathing and using the bathroom were kept out as she told me EVERYTHING. I didn't even know ponies used tampons... What the hell is a tampon anyway?
After several long minutes of listening to her, I decided to just continue with my walk through the town. I dared not interrupt her lest she once again ask about my day. I'd rather that no one finds out about me killing a pony. No one shall ever know!
Of course, Pinkie Pie walked with me, still spurting hundreds of thousands of words from her mouth hole at a staggering rate. I tried to ignore it, but her words easily penetrated my ear holes, caressing my limbic system with their sound-wave-fingers. The worst part is, she was gradually speeding up, saying things faster and faster to the point where, to the mortal ear, it just sounded like gibberish. It was getting really annoying... I had to put a stop to this!
"HEY!" I called, instantly quieting her with my loud exclamation. Now she was looking up at me, wondering why I had cut into her story time. I hadn't really thought about how to go about quieting her as just seconds earlier her rapid fire words were making it difficult to even think straight, so I just went with the first thing that popped into my brain. "You're talking too fast, I can't understand you."
I internally sighed. That didn't help much at all...
"Oh, sorry, I do that sometimes," she admitted. "I was just talking about how I had cloned myself a bunch with the magic mirror pool in the forest."
"A magical cloning pool?" I asked, getting the mental image of a bunch of Pinkie Pie fetuses floating in cloning test-tubes.
"Yeah. I made a bunch of copies of myself. They kinda got out of hand and made everypony in town mad, though." Her ears drooped down at the mention of making everyone mad. Pinkie clones? How interesting.
"And where exactly is this magic pool?"
"It's out in a cave in the Everfree forest. Twilight covered it up with a big huge boulder though, so nothings getting in there." Like rocks could ever stop me... Of course, now I was interested. I always wanted a brother. Maybe I could just clone one. I mean, what could possibly be better than having two super cool halos running around? My mind instantly came up with the answer. What if I had a bunch of super cool halo friends?
"Can you take me there?" I asked Pinkie excitedly. I don't know if she was following my line of thinking, but she seemed to perk up at my newfound excitement. She began bouncing up in down on her adorable little hooves.
"Sure! Oh, it'll be just like a super duper adventure! Come on!" Without giving any more warning, she rocketed off down the street, nearly knocking several ponies over in the process. Damn that ponies fast! Seeing no reason to object, I sprinted after her.
Thankfully, I'm pretty darn fast myself, or I wouldn't have even been able to keep up at all. Unfortunately, even with all my amazing speed, I wasn't able to catch up completely. It only took a minute or two of running before we left town behind and got close to the tree line of what I assumed to be the 'Everfree forest'. The trees weren't particularly tall, but they were thick with a dense canopy. No doubt it would be hard to navigate through there on my own. Thankfully, I had a guide.
I was about to call out for Pinkie Pie to wait up, when she ran headlong into the forest, not even slowing down slightly as she avoided running into the trees with amazing athletic skill and cat-like reflexes. The same couldn't be said for me as when I got close I was forced to slow down to avoid smashing my face into a low hanging branch.
I slowed to a stop in between the first row of trees, looking around to see if I could spot my bright-pink guide. Even with her lack of camouflage she was nowhere to be seen.
"Pinkie?!" I called out, hoping that she would hear me and come back. After standing there for a few moments it became apparent that she hadn't heard me. Oh well, I guess I'll just follow after her. I knew which way she went, at least. I began walking through the trees, instantly noting how much darker it was thanks to the thick roof of leafs above me, blocking out the midday sun. I also had to constantly look out for branches lest I walk straight into one.
As I got past the outlying trees, the foliage gradually became denser and the trees sagged heavily under the weight of thick vines. It was really making even walking straight difficult. I pushed the sticks and plants out of my way, wishing that I had a laser sword to cut through it all. The tiny, little knife I carried with me just wouldn't cut it.
I kept on pushing through, going in the approximate direction that I saw Pinkie go, with only the sounds of distant birds and my constant swearing at the stupid plants as company. Hopefully I would find her soon so I didn't have to spend all day in this annoying forest. I was just about to pull out my knife and start slicing plants to shreds anyway, when Pinkie Pie suddenly fell from a tree just in front of me.
"AGH!" I screeched, though it was very manly and not bitch-like at all, I assure you. I totally wasn't surprised even one bit.
"There you are!" Said my pink pony friend as though I was the one who had run off into the forest and not her. "You really aught to be more careful. It's easy to get lost in here." Now she was scolding me for nearly getting lost? Hell no! I was about to tell her what was what when she once again darted between the trees.
"Come on!" She called back. "It's just over here!"
Deciding that it would be a bad idea to get into a fight with my 'guide' about proper guiding etiquette, I decided to simply follow her. I had to push through some thick brambles and twisted vines, but, thankfully, she hadn't gone far. She had stopped at a gap in the trees, not nearly big enough to be considered a clearing, but at least there was some breathing room. I walked up next to her wondering where we would go next, when she pointed a foreleg to a large rock jutting partially out of the ground.
"Here we are!"
I gave her my best look of annoyance, though it didn't seem to register. Whether that's because I'm wearing a helmet or because Pinkie is clueless is anyone's guess. "That's a rock." I pointed out.
"Actually, it's a boulder. As you can see, it's greater than 8 inches in diameter."
Technically she was correct, so I couldn't argue with that. "Yes, but I was under the impression we were visiting a pool."
"Well duh. The pools underground! I told you Twilight covered it up with a boulder."
I was about to make a rebuttal, but scrolling up, it turns out she did say that. "Oh... Well then how do we get to it?" I asked hoping there would be an easy way.
"Get to what?"
"The inside of the cave?! How do we get inside?"
"Inside? Why would we want to go inside?"
"To see the cloning pool thing of course!" I practically shouted out. Why would we come all the way out here just to look at a rock?! A boulder* I mean.
"There's a boulder in the way, silly. We can't see the pools."
Now she was messing with me, I just know it. No matter, I didn't come all the way out here to be denied. Rocks, much like rules and spines, are made to be broken. Thankfully I carry explosives on me at all times in case of explosive-related emergencies. I pulled a grenade off my belt, ready to blast this rock to (Elder Scrolls)oblivion, when I realized I was holding my pulse grenade. I sighed in disappointment. Pulse grenades are worthless! I doubt one could even break a wittle bitty baby rock. I put it back on my belt and instead pulled out a plasma grenade.
Sure it doesn't have the explosive power of a frag grenade, but it'll do just fine. I pushed a little button on the side, causing it to glow blue as alien-sticky-magic flowed over its surface.
"Oooooh what's that? Is it some kind of halo fruit? Can I have some?!" I have no idea where she got that idea from, but I definitely wasn't letting her put this thing in her mouth. I already had the blood of one pony on my hands. Figuratively, of course. There wasn't actually any blood.
"No, it's not a halo fruit, it's a deadly explosive. Now stand back." She took one step back, then looked at me with a raised eyebrow, as though questioning if that was good enough.
"Further!" I ordered with a wave of my other hand. She instantly shot back into the foliage, completely out of sight. I couldn't help but facepalm (with my free hand, of course. I don't want a sticky grenade on my face). I feel like she was being difficult on purpose.
"Not that far away. You won't be able to see the awesome explosion from back there!"
She inched forward a few meters, her head poking out from the leafs of a large fern. "Stop!" She instantly froze. Good, now she was in the perfect spot. Thankfully, being the smart halo I am, I never took my finger off the activation button of the plasma grenade, so it didn't blow up and rend the flesh from my bones in a gruesome display that would haunt Pinkie Pie's dreams for years to come.
Instead I was able to safely stick it onto the side of the boulder and take my place next to Pinkie Pie. It exploded in a conflagration of blue magical-alien-flames as alien weapons are wont to do. It wasn't particularly spectacular, but Pinkie Pie cheered anyway like it was a firework show or something. If only I had a large cache of explosives, or perhaps a thermonuclear warhead, then I could give Pinkie a proper show. No matter, the grenade got the job done as it blew the boulder into dozens of comparatively smaller boulders and tiny rock chunks.
Once the dust settled I was able to see a hole under the debris, clearly leading into the cave Pinkie mentioned.
It looks like once again explosives solve all problems.