//------------------------------// // SoarinDash was here, but it's gone now. // Story: The 63 files // by punisher143 //------------------------------// “Soarin! Soarin, where are you?!” Flamethrower, captain of the Wonderbolts, had been wandering around one of the training facilities for almost ten minutes trying to find his second in command. So far though, no luck, but that would change when he actually got a reply. “That you Cap? I’m in here.” Flamethrower followed the voice until he found Soarin in a locker room fussing around with his mane. “There you are. What are you doing?” “I’m trying to get my mane straight,” Soarin said turning his head to get a better look, “What do you think? Does it look good?” “It looks the same as always. Why are you worried so much about your mane?” “Well, I want to make sure that it looks fine for tomorrow. I uh… got a date tomorrow.” Even though Soarin added that last bit in a whisper, Flamethrower still heard it and reacted in the expected manner. “You have got to be kidding me!” Soarin sighed and said, “That right there is exactly why I didn’t want to say anything to you. You react way too badly when it comes to this subject.” “You’re damn right I do! Who is it anyway?” Soarin flinched for just a second at the sincere curiosity in Flamethrower’s voice. “It’s uh… just a stallion from a small town. I just um… let slip the idea of hanging out and he was very eager in accepting.” “You asked Rainbow Blitz out, didn’t you?” Soarin’s silence was enough answer for him. Flamethrower sighed and placed a hoof on Soarin’s shoulder. “Look Soarin, as your best friend, I have to once again say that I don’t think this will work out.” “You’ve said that every time I’ve ever went on a date for the past seven years! It’s getting kind of old Cap. Can’t I go one date without you telling me about how bad dating is?” “No. In fact, I think it’s time to go over the list again.” “Oh god no, not the list.” “Come on Soarin, let’s get some coffee,” Flamethrower threw his arm around Soarin’s shoulders and led him out of the locker room. “So Dusk, how are things going for you?” “Well, everything’s fine Pinkie,” Dusk said absentmindedly eating a treat, “nothing odd has happened lately and I got a letter from Juliet.” “Oh that’s nice, what did she say?” “Um… her family is doing alright, and she might be able to visit soon. Are you alright Pinkie? You seem kind of down.” “Oh I’m fine Dusk, just really tired.” To punctuate this point, Pinkie immediately collapsed into a sleeping pile on top of the table that she was currently sharing with Dusk. The unicorn shook his head and reached for another treat the Pinkie had made just when Rainbow Blitz burst into Sugarcube Corner. “Things are turning up Rainbow Blitz!” he shouted happily and sat at Dusk’s table. “They are? What do you mean?” Dusk asked. “Guess who got an exclusive interview with a Wonderbolt!” Rainbow smiled widely and waited for an answer. “You?” “You got that right!” “That’s really cool Blitz. Are you going to be interviewed by Flamethrower?” “Nope, Soarin is going to be doing it. We talked for a bit a while ago and he said ‘hey, we should hang out sometime’ and I was like ‘sure’. This is going to be so awesome.” “I’ll say, I’m happy for you.” Dusk then got distracted when Fluttershy walked inside and looked around for a moment. “Fluttershy, over here!” “Oh crap, I hope she doesn’t have anything to say to me,” Blitz said and rubbed his forehead. “You still haven’t learned what she’s saying? It’s easy man.” “Maybe for you, but I’ve had to live with her since we were kids!” Fluttershy gave him a look as she sat next to Dusk and Blitz continued. “I don’t have time to figure out her moon language when I’m almost about to become a Wonderbolt!” “Kare wa chodo watashi wa tsuki kara kita koto o honomekasumashita ka?” Fluttershy asked Dusk. “He’s just saying he’s too lazy to learn a new language,” Dusk replied, “don’t take it too personally.” “Watashi wa sore ni narete iru, shinpaishinaide kudasai. Watashi wa chodo kare ga gengo o shutoku shitai to omoimasu,” Fluttershy said looking at Rainbow. “You see, I didn’t catch a word of any of that. Anyway, I need to think of some good places to take Soarin for the interview. Do you guys have any ideas?” “Well, there are always the restaurants. A good meal makes for a good first impression,” Dusk offered. “Anata ni wa, ikutsu ka no nihongo o manabu koto ga dekiru node, tabun, anata wa raiburari ni kare o toru koto ga dekimasu,” Fluttershy offered. “I am not taking him to the library so I can learn your language,” Rainbow shot down, “nice try though. “…Matte, anata ga jissai ni watashi ni sono toki o rikai shimashita ka?” “No, but I knew exactly what you were going to say. You get kind of obvious sometimes.” “Anata ga ima was ode wa arima-“ “Fluttershy, we don’t even live near a beach. There is the lake, but I don’t think Soarin will like that.” “Ugh…” “Alright Soarin, it’s time to go over the list again,” Flamethrower said lifting up a mug of coffee and gesturing at Soarin, “How’s your coffee by the way? Good?” “Yes, it’s great coffee like always,” Soarin said sipping the coffee, “can we get through this? It’s getting late and I want to get some sleep before tomorrow.” “Don’t worry, I’ll go through this as fast as possible. Now first of all, dating can be either a very fulfilling or soul crushing experience depending on what happens.” “Cap, just because you had a couple of bad dates doesn’t mean the whole concept is horrible. That’s just your bias leaking through.” “I’ll show you a bias leaking through. Continuing to point number two, you are a goddamn idiot.” “Take my current age, subtract ten from it, I wasn’t smart back then because I was an idiot,” Soarin recited flatly, “we’ve gone over this so many times, I’ve memorized your stupid list. Can I go home now?” “No, because everyone needs a reminder. You’re just as much an idiot now as you were ten years ago, it’s just going to take you another ten years to figure it out.” “What about seven years ago when you were going out with that mailmare? Were you an idiot then?” “You’re damn right I was, just for different reasons.” Flamethrower suddenly became sad and slouched down in his chair, “She was so pretty and I let her go. I’ve never regretted anything like I did that.” “…You want to talk about it?” “No. Y-you can go now if you want, I want to be alone right now.” Flamethrower then flew out of the room and seemed to be crying while Soarin stared in confusion. “Well… that doesn’t bode well for me. Now I can only hope that nothing completely out of the ordinary happens tomorrow.” Soarin then sighed and commented, “I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.” “Alright Fluttershy, are you sure that this list will get me on good terms with Soarin?” Rainbow asked reading over the list that Fluttershy had helped him make. Ironically enough, Fluttershy had the best penmanship out of all of them. “Anata ga sore ni koshū suru baai wa,[wa i, soreha mondainai hazudesu. Watashi ga o susumedeshouga, anata no chansu o kizutsukerudarou to, kare no mimi o kiru hanashi o shinai,” Fluttershy said with a soft smile. “I find it a little weird that the one friend that I can’t understand was the only one who offered to help me with this. Where are the others?” “Yūgure wa, kanojo no kusuri no koyubi no muishiki wa, futatabi kare wa kin'yōbi ni nai mono wa nani demo ya~tsu te isogashī byōnin, appurujakku wana kibun, soshite chinji... Mā dare ga shitte imasu. Karera wa ato ni shite aru kamo shiremasen.” “Is it the same thing that happens to Dusk all the time?” “Watashi wa kiitaga, tabun shimasendeshita.” “I hope he gets better, he sometimes goes crazy whenever he gets sick.” Blitz finished reading the list and rolled it up for easy stashing under his wing. “Watashi wa anata ga nani o imi suru ka shitte iru, kare wa ōjo o tenpuku shi, sekai seifuku shiyou to shitaga 2-dome wa hontōni kowakattadesu.” “Yeah, that was a bit of a mess. Well, it’s about time to go meet Soarin. I’ll probably stop by later to see how you’re doing, ok?” “Sore wa daijōbuda to omou ga, anata wa uzura no chūi ga kare ni iubekidesu. Anata wa karera ni machigatta michi o mitsumerunaraba, sorera wa isshun no uchi ni subete no anata no ue ni narimasu.” “Alright, I’ll tell him that. See you later Fluttershy.” Fluttershy waved at Blitz until he was far enough away when she realized something. “Matte, watashi wa chōdo niji no burittsu to no teiki-tekina kaiwa o shinakereba naranakatta no ka?” She wondered to herself and scratched her head, “Kore wa watashi ni totte hajimetedesu. Watashi wa tenshi ni iu tsumori wa, kare wa sore o kakitomete iru nda.” Fluttershy nodded and stood up to trot home while humming a tune to herself. ‘Alright Soarin, you’re here in Ponyville for your date. Just play it cool and everything should go fine.’ Soarin took a breath and started into Ponyville proper at a brisk trot. The ponies in town were going about their business and Soarin was legitimately surprised that few ponies seemed to recognize him. ‘Then again, most ponies don’t know what I look like outside of my flight suit. Now where am I going to meet Rainbow Blitz again?' “Oy, there you are!” Soarin perked up a little and looked up at Rainbow Blitz, lying down on a cloud and waving at him before gliding down to him. ‘Wow, he looks awesome,’ Soarin thought, taking special note of the brace on Rainbow’s front right leg. It was an odd thing, apparently made of the same material as Royal Guard armor and with some kind of skeletal design. “Nice of you to come out like this,” Rainbow said extending his braced hoof to Soarin, “I hope you don’t mind is I say I expected you not to come.” “It’s no problem, really,” Soarin said shaking Rainbow’s hoof, “I had nothing important to do today anyway. By the way, I like whatever this is on your leg.” “My Deistic Brace? Thanks I guess, though I’ll tell you I’d prefer not to have it.” Soarin got a little confused by that, but shook it off when Rainbow started looking around and asked, “So do you want to get something to eat? I know a couple of places around here with good food.” “Uh, sure I’m up for some lunch.” Soarin gave his best grin at Rainbow, who rolled his eyes good naturedly and led Soarin into town. Soarin hardly payed attention to his surroundings and lost himself in thought. ‘Alright Soarin, the first hurdle of introductions are over. Wait, I already met Blitz before. Oh whatever, now I just have to worry about where we’re going to eat.’ “So, anywhere you want to eat in particular?” Rainbow asked suddenly, looking back at Soarin, “we have a café, a sandwich shop, a bakery, and I think a restaurant somewhere.” “Huh? Oh, I’m not too picky, so I’m good with whatever,” Soarin answered with a light shrug. “Alright, I guess we could go to the sandwich shop and stop by Sugar Cube Corner for something sweet if you want.” Soarin simply nodded in agreement and Rainbow turned back to the path ahead of him, only to get distracted when he saw a purple unicorn lying on a bench. “Hey, is that Dusk? Hey, you mind if I go check on him?” “I don’t care, but why? Is he sick or something?” “Uh… kind of. It’s really hard to explain.” Rainbow started trotting to Dusk followed by Soarin, who almost immediately saw what the problem with Dusk was. “Hey buuuuudy, how ya doing today?” Blitz asked leaning down to Dusk’s face. “Don’t patronize me Blitz, I’m in no mood right now,” Dusk rebutted flatly and sighed, “It’s just another day in my life getting crapped on.” “Um… I don’t mean to intrude, but are you always an alicorn?” Soarin asked pointing at Dusk’s wings. “Rainbow, can you please tell whoever just said that that he’s lucky I can’t move. Otherwise I would deliver an apocalyptic beat down worthy of your God Hoof onto him.” Rainbow Blitz chuckled nervously and turned to Soarin. “Uh… he just said-“ “I heard,” Soarin said flatly and pointed at Dusk’s wings again, “So why does he have wings?” “Oh those? I’unno, they just kind of grow every month or so. I think this is the… twenty sixth is it?” “Twenty seventh,” Dusk answered with his wings giving a light flap, “twenty eight if you count the second time, which I don’t.” “Yeah, this has happened before. Just don’t worry about it, they’ll probably go away in a day or so.” Soarin just gave Dusk a very concerned look, to which he sighed again. “Yeah, don’t mind me. I’ll just wallow in my horrid life of misery until Juliet comes and kicks my ass. Don’t let me ruin whatever you were doing Blitz.” “If you say so, but I’ll still be around if you need me ok?” Dusk nodded as best he could in response and Blitz waved for Soarin to follow. The Wonderbolt reluctantly followed Rainbow while looking back at Dusk. “So… that happens all the time?” Soarin asked. “More or less,” Rainbow replied, “but that’s hardly the weirdest thing that’s happened here. Wait until you meet Dusk’s girlfriend.” “Let’s hope I don’t. So… where’s the sandwich place again?” “Are those all sandwich names?!” Soarin asked as he looked over the rather impressive yet baffling names that the shop had. “I mean, what the heck is a ‘tropical peanut butter surprise’?” “I’m glad you asked,” the mare tending the counter said with a smile, “it’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with pineapple and banana added to it.” “What?” “This shops appeal is you can make your own sandwich and, if it’s good enough, they’ll sell it as a regular item,” Rainbow Blitz explained and giving the sign another once over, “ponies can come up with some weird combinations. What the heck is a ‘Sinner’s Sandwich’?” “That’s a daisy and chamomile sandwich with strawberry jelly and your choice of cereal. That one was thought up by Pinkie Pie,” the mare said. “Ok, that’s got me curious. I’ll try that.” “I guess I’ll just have a daisy sandwich,” Soarin said. “Gotcha, that’ll be seventeen bits!” Before Rainbow could do anything, Soarin deposited the bits onto the counter with a small grin. “At least let me pay for lunch, it’s the least I can do.” Rainbow cocked an eyebrow at Soarin before shrugging. “Well alright, but I’ll pay you back my share later.” Soarin returned the shrug and offered to find them a table. Blitz nodded in agreement and Soarin went to claim a table outside. Since he decided that he had a minute or so for the food to prepare, Soarin looked around at the small section of street the sandwich store was situated next to. It was a good thing Soarin decided to come at a slow day, since the only ponies that seemed to be out were some couples and groups of friends heading to whatever destination they had planned for the day. Soarin was very nearly about to start watching the clouds just as Blitz came up with the sandwiches. “Hope you weren’t waiting long, they wanted me to be really specific on what kind of cereal I wanted,” Rainbow explained with a roll of his eyes. “It’s no problem, really,” Soarin said taking a bite of his sandwich. The conversation died a little and Soarin fished around in his head for a topic when one happened to be walking by in the form of a singing pegasus. Soarin was about to comment when Blitz did it for him. “I know that song!” he said with what seemed like dread and looked toward the yellow pegasus and yelled, “Fluttershy, what did I tell you about singing that?!” The pegasus stopped and looked over at Rainbow Blitz with a confused look and trotted over to him. "Reinbō yā ā. Nani ga machigatte iru, watashi wa anata ga watashi wa anata no tēmasongu o utatte sukidatta to omotta," Fluttershy said and looked at Soarin, "Otaku wa daredesu ka?" “Node?” Soarin asked before Blitz could respond and looked between Fluttershy and Blitz as they gave him confused looks. “Well, I think she called me a node, and you have a theme song?” “Que? Anata wa watashi o rikai suru koto ga dekimasu?" Fluttershy asked. “You can understand her?” Rainbow asked, his voice and eyes full of awe. “Yeah, she’s only speaking Japanese,” Soarin answered rubbing the back of his neck, “I’ve been to Neighpon more than a couple of times. Can’t you understand her?” “Yes and no. Pinkie said once, ‘if it’s funnier if you don’t understand her, then you won’t.’ I don’t get it though. How much do you know?” “I know enough to get by. Let me try.” Soarin looked at Fluttershy, cleared his throat, and said, "Kon'nichiwa, watashinonamaeha Soarindesu. Sore wa, anata ni aete tanoshīdesu," very slowly. Fluttershy answered with a blank stare leading Soarin to continue with, "Watashi wa reinbō to yūran-sen no gozen, mausutorappu shita nochi, wareware wa niwa no hōsu de saisei sa remasu. I think I screwed something up, but I think she got the idea of what we’re doing.” “Watashi wa anata ga umaku rikai suru koto ga dekiru, to watashi wa anata no dōseiai no gengai no imi o rikai shite inai,” Fluttershy replied with a sigh and looked at Rainbow Blitz, "Anata wa kare ga watashi ni hanashite tomeru koto wa dekimasu ka? Watashi wa kono yōna kaiwa o yokeru koto ga dekimasunode, watashi wa betsu no gengo o hanasu." “OK, I think she was asking where the bathroom is. Uh…Sore wa anata to daijōbudarou to, watashi wa anata no o shiri o hirateuchi shitai.” Fluttershy’s jaw fell open and she raised a hoof to deliver such a powerful slap to Soarin’s cheek that it knocked him unconscious the second it landed. The wonderbolt flew out of his chair and crashed into another empty table. "Hentai! Watashi wa anata no itta koto ni tsuite anata no haha to iu made matte... Anata o... coltcuddler!” Fluttershy shouted and stormed away from the restaurant while everypony around watched the scene. Rainbow Blitz couldn’t help but burst out laughing and said, “Oh Celestia, that was awesome! This day is going to be the best ever!” “Ouch, he doesn’t look good. Will he be alright?” “I dunno, he got the Slap of Death from Fluttershy and has been out for half an hour.” Soarin groaned loudly and rubbed his forehead as he opened an eye. It shut almost immediately as the sun was too bright and had to try a couple more times before he could see clearly. Apparently he was lying on the ground and two ponies were standing over him. He recognized Rainbow Blitz, but the unicorn mare was a mystery to him. They backed away as Soarin sat up, the mare with a look of concern and Blitz with an amused look. “What the hay happened?” he asked quietly. “You managed to piss off Fluttershy and she slapped the **** out of you!” Blitz shouted much to the displeasure of Soarin’s aching head, “I seriously thought you were dead for a minute there.” “I certainly feel dead,” Soarin said and looked at the unicorn, “and you are?” “My name’s Juliet!” she said and bounced excitedly. Soarin quickly looked her over and took in her cream colored coat and blonde mane done up in pigtails. She was also wearing a purple cheerleader outfit along with white stockings on her hind legs. Soarin’s immediate assessment of her was that of a stereotypical ditzy cheerleader, which wasn’t helped by what she said. “I’m a cheerleader at the magic university in Canterlot! I’m sure you’ve heard of us right, the Canterlot Knights? We’ve gone to the nationals three times!” She ceased her bouncing and put on an annoyed look and said, “We’ve never won though. Bleeagh!” “I’m sorry, never heard of them,” Soarin said and stood up on all fours, “What’s a cheerleader from Canterlot doing in Ponyville anyway?” “I’m here to visit my boyfriend! Oh he’s just the most super sweet and caring unicorn ever! We’ve been dating for almost two years now, and he’s never once complained about my ginormous fat butt!” Soarin sighed as Juliet went on about this ‘perfect boyfriend’ with a sparkle in her eye and turned to Rainbow Blitz for a proper explanation. “You remember Dusk Shine right, the unicorn in the park who threatened to kill you? Juliet’s his girlfriend,” Rainbow explained. Soarin looked at Juliet, who was now accidentally showing some flank at him, and cocked an eyebrow silently. “Yeah, I had the same reaction when I first met her too. I mean, Dusk managing to land a hottie like her? If it weren’t for the fact I couldn’t give a crap about romance, I’d be more than a little jealous.” “Yeah… wait what?!” “What do you mean ‘wait what’?” Juliet graciously butted into the conversation with a gasp. “OMG, if you and Soarin were hanging out he probably thought it was a date!” she said excitedly, “he totally has the hots for you and you didn’t even notice! I can’t wait to tell Dusky!” Juliet galloped away, leaving Soarin with a feeling of dread in his stomach. “A date?” Rainbow asked and stared at Soarin, “is that what’s going on with you? It would explain a lot.” “It always has to be something, doesn’t it?” Soarin said and sighed sadly, “I can’t have a single date without something going catastrophically wrong. What did mean by not caring about romance anyway?” “Well, it’s kind of a requisite to being sane in this town: you learn to ignore certain things.” Soarin gave him a confused look and Rainbow added, “When you wake up in the basement of a bakery to one of your friends acting all crazy and making jokes about hacksaws, you kinda learn to give up certain things.” Rainbow looked at his braced arm and whispered, “At least Pinkie was nice enough to give me this arm after cutting off my other one.” “So, how does that tie into you not caring about romance?” Soarin asked again and sat down on the grass. “I guess it’s more like I don’t have the time or patience to bother with that kind of thing.” Rainbow sat next to Soarin and stared up at some clouds drifting around. “This arm, awesome as it is, kind of makes me a target for demon attacks. You know, big brutish things that want to take over the world. I can handle them pretty well though.” Rainbow chuckled and said, “The last one who tried to take me got kicked all the way to Canterlot Castle. That was a fun letter from the princess.” ---One week earlier--- “I love my improbably large bathtub,” Princess Celestia commented to herself as she sank underneath the bubbly waters and sighed in relief. “It’s too bad Lulu couldn’t join me, I always enjoy our sister bath time.” Her musings came to a rather unexpected end when something crashed through her ceiling and landed in the tub next to her. It scrambled in the water, a clawed hand landing on Celestia’s flank, before it came up for air. It noticed the water was almost boiling hot as it turned to see the Princess of the Sun literally ablaze with anger, both her mane and tail long trails of fire. “You touched the Royal Flank!” she whispered through gritted teeth and stepped toward the cowering demon. Luna, who was in her private room reading a book, hardly even flinched when she looked out her window and saw a trail of fire heading right for the sun. Her only comment at the sight was, “Rainbow Blitz must be busy in Ponyville.” ---Back to the present--- ‘Oh great, I really do suck at dating! I don’t think I’ll be dating Rainbow again, I don’t want to be kicked into the sun,’ Soarin thought with a scared look in his eyes. Rainbow Blitz noticed this and laughed happily. “Oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t piss me off.” He stood up and stretched his wings out before saying, “Anyway, this day definitely got interesting. It’s not every day you get to date a Wonderbolt, even if it is by accident. Come on, let’s go see a movie or something.” Rainbow started trotting away from Soarin into the pathways of Ponyville, and looked back to see the Wonderbolt following slowly behind him. ‘I fear for my life,’ Soarin thought to himself and swallowed a little. “Dusky, there you are!” Juliet said leaping onto her boyfriend’s back. It had taken a while for her to locate Dusk in the park (though she wouldn’t admit she passed by him three times before noticing) and frowned at his less than enthusiastic sigh. “Hey Juliet, it’s good to see you.” He said and drooped a little. Juliet wouldn’t have any of that and leaned over Dusk’s head and looked deep into his purple eyes. “What’s wrong baby? You’re so down in the dumps I can smell last year’s garbage on you.” “The wings came back… again,” Dusk said simply and extended a wing. Juliet prodded it with a hoof to confirm it was real before smiling widely and hugging Dusk’s head. “Aw, is that all? Don’t worry Dusky, I can take care of those right away for you!” After all, she had done it before. Once… he at least didn’t have wings when she finished. “I suppose,” Dusk said and sighed, “Just make sure you aim for the right spot this time. You missed rather horribly last time.” “But you got better!” “You cut my head off and wore me as a fashion accessory for a week.” “But you got better!” ‘Albeit with a body a year older than before, but if you want to make an omelet…’ “Whatever Juliet, we can just wait a little while and the wings will go away eventually.” “But that’ll take forever!” Juliet complained and hit Dusk lightly. Just then, they both noticed a pony coming toward them with an unusual gait. “You’ve gotta be ****ing kidding me.” “I never thought I’d say ‘I almost died from a Chihuahua bite,’ but I swear that actually happened.” Blitz said excitedly. He and Soarin had agreed to see the new Daring Do movie, the former looking forward to it for a long time and the latter deciding ‘why not?’ “I heard about Poison Chihuahuas,” Soarin commented with a nod and a drink of soda, “I think Flamethrower got bit by one and went blind for almost a month. Are they as vicious as they say?” “Like you wouldn’t believe.” The theater doors opened just then, drawing both stallions’ attention, as Rarity walked in. She looked around for a moment and walked over to Rainbow. “There you are Blitz,” she said and looked Soarin over and asked, “Who’s the nerd?” “Really, we’re going through that again?” Soarin asked, “Is it the flight suit ponies recognize the most?” “Probably,” Blitz flatly said and ignored Soarin’s shocked expression, “you remember Soarin right? The second in command of the Wonderbolts?” “Doesn’t ring a bell, I do apologize,” Rarity said bowing a little. “It’s fine,” Soarin said waving a hoof, “though I have to ask if you have any particular quirks.” “Quirks?” “He pissed off Fluttershy and got the Slap of Death,” Blitz explained with a smirk. Rarity immediately stiffened up and looked at Soarin with sympathy. “Oh, I’ve experienced that once. It was simply horrifying!” she said with a dramatic gesture. “That slap is a thing she’s known for?” Soarin asked and looked at Rainbow unamused, “It would have been very helpful for you to tell me that.” “It slipped my mind,” Blitz said, “and I didn’t know you’d piss her off enough that she’d give you the Slap of Death.” “If you don’t mind me asking, how long was he out?” Rarity asked. “Half an hour.” “My word, you must be a very durable pony,” Rarity commented and looked at Soarin in awe. “Um… thanks? Is that a good thing?” Soarin asked. “Very much, most ponies are unconscious for at least two days when they’re hit by that. Oh but I’m sorry, I actually had news for you.” “News? What kind of news?” Blitz asked as Soarin ever so conveniently took a drink of soda. “There are zombies in East Ponyville,” Rarity calmly said as both she and Rainbow Blitz ignored Soarin spitting out his mouthful of soda. “It’d probably be best if you avoid that area for a while.” “Ah crap, after the movie I wanted to go somewhere there,” Blitz said and sighed, “oh well, I guess we could-“ “Objection objection objection!” Soarin shouted and pounded a hoof on the floor, “What the hell do you mean ‘zombies’?! The demons I could handle, but zombies?!” “Oh yeah, that’s a thing too,” Blitz said calmly and waved a hoof in the air, “but don’t worry, they’re mostly harmless if you stay away from them.” “…But WHY?!” “Dude, it’s best not to ask questions. That is the fastest way to drive yourself mad living here.” “But-“ “Oh hey, the movie’s starting. Let’s hurry and get to our seats.” Rainbow Blitz stood up and walked down one of the halls. Soarin sat there staring at the cyan pegasus and barely noticed Rarity leaving the theater. “But…why?” “They’re… kinda dumb aren’t they?” Juliet pointed out. “Yeah, they haven’t really done much of anything.” Dusk pointed at one random undead wandering towards him and Juliet, which he cautiously maneuvered to go back where it came from. “They just kind of wander around, stare at various bookstores, and spray graffiti on some walls.” “Just like mall goers. Do you want me to get the chainsaw and deal with them?” “If you want, but like I said they don’t really attack anypony. These guys have been showing up for a while now and they haven’t tried to eat anything once. I think they might be a different kind of zombie.” “Different kind?” Juliet asked and shook her head, “Baby, a zombie’s a zombie. If these guys are so different from what I fought against, then maybe Nightmare Moon is actually Count Chocula!” “Will you listen to me? The zombie’s you fought before ate and talked and did things besides wander around aimlessly bumping into walls.” Dusk proved his point by pointing a hoof at a zombie mare that was, indeed, just walking into a wall repeatedly. His wings flared a little defensively at the way Juliet stared at him and added, “Not that I’m trying to stop you from doing what you do. I just wanted to clear an issue.” Juliet stared at her boyfriend for another moment before sighing and saying, “Dad is not going to like knowing that there are different kinds of zombie.” After her complaint Juliet proceeded to pull out her main weapon, a chainsaw about her size, and ran headlong into the horde. She had just gotten to the first one when Dusk sat down to watch the show. “Man, I love watching her work.” “See, I told Daring Do was awesome! Didn’t I say that?” Soarin absolutely could not understand how his kinda sorta date could be so excited when he knew ravenous undead could be stalking the streets outside. Blitz stared at him, waiting for an answer, and Soarin sighed. “Yeah, I’ll admit it was pretty good,” he said upon reaching the theater’s doors and peering outside. He was once again baffled by the complete lack of panic by anypony. “Hey Rainbow, is this… zombie thing a… common thing?” “What? Oh them, yeah I guess you could say that.” Soarin’s jaw dropped and waited for more of an explanation. “Every other week, a horde just shows up and meanders around a bit before leaving. Really they’re more of an annoyance than anything.” Rainbow pushed the door opened and walked outside with Soarin. “Especially the pegasus ones, they’re the worst. Last week, one of those sons of ******* found his way up to my house! It’s a really nice cloud house with these pools of liquid rainbow on the side. Do you know how much those pools cost to get?” “I don’t care, but 500 bits maybe?” “More than that, and it certainly didn’t pay through the nose just so some zombie can claim it as a swimming pool for a few hours. Liquid rainbow stains easily both ways man.” “So that’s your biggest gripe when it comes to the walking dead invading your town: that they’ll disrupt your afternoon shopping and ruin your house’s rustic aesthetic? Wouldn’t something else be on that list too? Like, oh I don’t know, getting eaten?!” “Not really, the zombies we get are pretty stupid, and even if they did attack anypony there’s a family of zombie hunters that live in Canterlot that can be down here in half an hour.” “…Zombie hunters… in Canterlot…” “Yep, Juliet’s family. Her mom’s really cool too, makes the most awesome brownies.” “Wait, Dusk’s ditzy cheerleader girlfriend… is a zombie hunter.” Once Soarin had said it out loud, he found that it did sound as dumb as he thought. “And she’s a pretty boss one too. I’d probably have a hard time going up against her even with my God Hoof, and that’s not even going into the rest of her family. Anyway, what did you want to do next, we could go flying for a bit if you want.” “Yeah, I think we should see other ponies Rainbow.” Soarin took a moment to realize that was the first time he’s ever said that. “I totally agree. You haven’t even been here a day and you’re already starting to lose it.” Rainbow’s words took him off guard a little. “Lose it? What do you mean?” “You look like you haven’t slept in years and you’re all twitchy. That usually happens to ponies who actually notice how insane Ponyville is. Sorry to open your eyes by the way.” Soarin now noticed he was really twitchy, his right eye most of all. He was absolutely certain he was going to snap and kill somepony if he didn’t happen to notice somepony he recognized. “Wait, is that Ditzy Doo?” he asked and rubbed his tired eyes. Sure enough, trotting towards them was the gray pegasus with eyes and mane of gold known as Ditzy Doo. Out of all the ponies Soarin thought he would meet today, Ditzy wasn’t one of them. “Hi Rainbow Blitz, and hi Soarin!” Ditzy said excitedly as one of her eyes followed one of the stallions, “I didn’t expect to see you here, whatcha doin?” “Nothing much, just on a date with Rainbow here. We’re almost done though.” “You know Ditzy?” Rainbow asked Soarin. “Yeah, she used to date Flamethrower a few years back.” “No ****?” Rainbow asked with a chuckle. “Yep, I remember Flamey like it was yesterday,” Ditzy said and sighed, “he was such a great coltfriend. Oh well, time flies and muffins are made, and a certain cyan pegasus is late with his offering.” Ditzy focused both of her eyes on Rainbow Blitz and bored into the pegasus. “Oh crap, sorry about that. Things have been really busy with the demons and Soarin here. Tell you what, we’re close to Sugarcube Corner so let’s go get you a muffin.” “I accept this offering of delicious baked treats,” Ditzy said with a nod and led the way to Sugarcube Corner. “An… offering?” Soarin asked and tilted his head. “I’ll explain later if you want. You coming or are you going home?” Rainbow asked. “You know what, I gotta see this,” Soarin said and trotted next to Rainbow Blitz, “what’s one more piece of insanity to add to this experience?” Rainbow shrugged and focused on the path to Sugarcube Corner. He suddenly realized Pinkie was there and felt a sense of dread as the cupcake building came into view. When the group walked into the bakery, Rainbow’s fears proved true when he saw Pinkie manning the counter with dark colors and flat mane. ‘Oh crap, she’s in psycho mode,’ he though and swallowed a lump in his throat. “Hey, isn’t that the party mare with the awesome cupcakes?” Soarin asked with something resembling joy in his voice. He was still on the brink of insanity, but at least he was happy now. Rainbow looked at Ditzy, sitting comfortably in the corner, and he gathered up every ounce of strength and courage in his body to face… her. He walked up to the counter and waved weakly at Pinkie. “Um… hi Pinkie. I’d like to buy something.” Pinkie gave him an uninterested look and slowly raised a silver hatchet into view. “What do ya want?” she asked flatly and admired the way the metal shined in the light. “Uh… a muffin for Ditzy, that’s all.” Blitz took a deep breath to calm his nerves and faced Pinkie directly. “I assume there’s something you want to order me to do?” “Yes, as a matter of fact.” Pinkie pointed the hatchet at Blitz and said, “Demons are razing Trottingham, and it’s the God Hoof’s job to take care of rampant demons. Guess who has it?” “Yeah yeah, I’ll do that in a few minutes. Can I have the muffin now?” Pinkie slammed the hatchet into the counter, which startled Soarin though it failed to get a rise out of Blitz. “Demons Blitz! You will go take care of them when you’re done with Ditzy and the Wonderbolt! Otherwise I’ll ask Mr. Silver here to take that arm of mine back, understand?” “What, your hatchet there? Funny, it doesn’t look like an effeminate griffon in tight silver underpants.” That comment threw Pinkie off and she gave him a confused look and ‘huh?’ “Yeah, I fought a griffon called Mr. Silver not too long after you gave me this arm. He had a twin called Mr. Gold.” Pinkie stared at him for a moment before she visibly started to hold back laughter. She failed horribly in holding it back and collapsed against the counter in laughter, her mane poofing up and her colors returning to normal in the process. “A-are you serious?!” She asked and pounded the counter with a hoof, “Twin griffons in tight underpants that matched their names?” “Well they were actually demons, but yeah,” Blitz answered. Pinkie’s laughter increased tenfold and she actually started crying from laughter. “Oh my god, that’s awesome! Just for that, the muffin is free. Oh man, that made my day.” Pinkie swallowed her laughter long enough to fetch a fresh blueberry muffin from the display case and give it to Rainbow Blitz before collapsing on the ground laughing. “Glad I could help,” Blitz said and walked over to Ditzy and Soarin. Soarin once again had a confused look and scratched his head. “Are you two friends?” he asked, “that seemed very confrontational.” “Yeah, but I’m used to it,” Blitz said with a shrug and placed the muffin in front of Ditzy. “There you go, we’re square for a while right?” he asked. “Blueberry…fresh…” Ditzy said analyzing the muffin before smiling cheerily, “Yup, you’re good for the next two months.” Ditzy then stared at the baked good like a predator eyeing its meal and Rainbow quickly turned away from her. “You don’t want to see this,” Blitz said shutting his eyes and covering his ears. “Don’t want to see what?” Soarin asked, “She just gonna-“ Terror. That’s all Soarin could describe those following ten seconds for the rest of his life. He would have nightmares of Eldritch terrors for the rest of his life from this experience. The poor muffin never stood a chance. “No…” he whispered though tears and fell to his haunches, “I-I tried to save her, but the clouds were so high. It was raining too.” Then, just as quickly as it started, the horror ended leaving Ditzy sitting happily with crumbs on her mouth and Soarin snapped out of his trance. “Are you ok Soarin?” Dusk asked and poked Soarin with a hoof, “You seem kinda-“ “NOTHING HAPPENED!” Soarin shouted angrily, “And if anything did it wasn’t my fault!” “Ok, no one said anything,” Rainbow said waving his hooves to calm Soarin down. Ditzy burped next to the pair and giggled while she covered her mouth. “Sorry, I’m such a pig sometimes,” she said blushing lightly. “That’s it, I’m done,” Soarin said and walked to a table, “I’m going home.” “Bye Soarin, be sure to tell Flamey that Dinky and I said hi!” Soarin stopped and stared back at the mail mare and asked, “Dinky?” “My daughter. She’s turning seven in a few months.” If Soarin’s mind hadn’t snapped before, it most certainly did when the implications hit him. “I’m out,” he said flatly and picked up a chair. He threw it effortlessly at the window and relished in the sound of the glass shattering into a thousand pieces before flying out of it and into the open skies. “…Did he just break a window?” Pinkie said and glared at Rainbow Blitz. “I’ll pay for a replacement,” he said and waved a hoof in the air. The flight back to Cloudsdale was surprisingly relaxing to Soarin, a much welcome relief after this train wreck of a day. He quickened his pace when he saw those wonderful cloud buildings and landed in the district of the Wonderbolt barracks. He just wanted to slip into his bed and sleep for a week, which he would have done if he hadn’t ran into Flamethrower on the way. “Oh, there you are!” the orange stallion said and patted a spot next to Soarin on the couch, “How did the date go?” Soarin sat on the couch before answering. “Awful,” Soarin deadpanned, “You’re right cap. Dating sucks ****.” “Really? I wouldn’t think Rainbow was that bad of a date, what happened?” Soarin sighed, feeling the exhaustion overtake his entire being. “Turns out he lives in the insanity capitol of Equestria, Ponyville. He fights demons for a living.” “Oh yeah, he does live there. Sorry Soarin, I guess I should have warned you about that place.” “Yeah, a lot of people could have warned me about that place. By the way, I saw Ditzy just before I left.” “You did?!” Flamethrower sat ramrod straight and stuttered, “H-how was she? Is she doing well?” “Oh yeah, perfectly fine for a goddamn monster!” Soarin was perfectly fine when he saw his captain flinch at the anger in his voice, “Did you know she turned into an unimaginable horror when she eats muffins too?!” “Oh yeah, the things she did when we were dating.” The look on Flamethrower’s face as he reminisced led to Soarin giving him the most hateful death glare he could muster. “You could have warned me about that too. I’ll need shock therapy to get over that. By the way, she has a daughter.” “She… what?” Soarin smirked evilly at Flamethrower’s surprise. “Yeah, a little filly named Dinky. She’ll turn seven in a few months.” “She… has a filly?” Flamethrower’s face turned slowly from surprise to anger as he flew into a hover and shouted, “She lied to me, she said she couldn’t have children! I’ve been tricked!” “We’ve all been tricked Cap,” Soarin said and stood up from the couch. “I’m exhausted and my bed is calling me. Night.” Soarin left his captain swearing in the lounge and walked slowly to his quarters. He yawned and decided a quick stop to the restroom was needed. A shower was definitely on that list as well. “There we go, that’s the last one!” Juliet exclaimed happily and set her chainsaw blade first on the ground. “I think I got a great workout from that too. What do you think baby, do my legs look thinner?” Dusk took a second to inspect Juliet’s legs before saying, “I would say yes, but that would imply there would be room for improvement. That is false, since you couldn’t look any better if you tried.” “Aw, that’s sweet even if you’re lying,” Juliet said and placed a small kiss on Dusk’s nose with a small “Mwa! Now do you want me to take care of those pesky wings?” “Huh?” Dusk asked and looked back at his wings, “Oh, I forgot I had those. Go ahead.” He lowered his neck and extended his wings as far as they could go. “Okie Dokie, here you go!” Juliet hefted her chainsaw in her magic and the deadly machine belched magical fire as she swung it at the wings, which separated cleanly from Dusk’s back and disappeared in a bright flash of rainbow colors. Dusk opened an eye and was surprised he didn’t feel a thing as he looked back at his now bare back before turning to Juliet. “Juliet, you are without a doubt the greatest mare I could ever hope to get my hooves on,” he said and pulled Juliet into a tight hug, “I love you so much.” “Aw, I love you too baby!” she said just as Dusk pulled her into a kiss and brought her down on top of him when he fell backwards. Soarin sighed happily as he left the shower. The hot water definitely helped his sore muscles as he shook off the excess water and grabbed a towel to dry his mane out. Once he was sufficiently dry, Soarin dispensed of the towel into a nearby hamper and walked over to the sink to brush his teeth. He was reaching for the toothbrush when he saw his reflection in the mirror and froze. His mind churned as he took in the dull gray eyes, dull matted fur, and the strange feeling of coldness his body felt despite the hot shower he had just had. He scowled into the mirror and groaned in frustration. “Goddammit, I’m a zombie.”