//------------------------------// // Overly Long Joke // Story: A Very Happy and Sunny Life // by Wearin Hat //------------------------------// You ever wake up with that dry taste in your mouth? You know, like your tongue has been sleeping in cotton candy all night? No? Huh, cause my tongue is going through the decision on whether or not to be pleasant or not. Stupid tongue. You wouldn’t know about that, would you? Hm, I hate the crapping mevening. It’s so dumb and stupid. Like, why do ponies have to be jerks and be loud just as I’m waking up?! You figure there’d be at least one or two decent ponies to cut the crap. Oh well, at least nopony’s at my damn door. Alright, so, the plan for the day…hm…well…crap. There was something I wanted to go do, but now I’m blanking on it. Weird how that happens. Anysleigh, I suppose I’ll just hit the routine. You know, go out and work, come back and sleep, right? That’s right, right? I found myself looking at the crap I found during my last shift. It crossed my mind to actually develop the pictures in the camera, but then the thought of interacting with ponies pissed me off and I broke it. That needs to stop happening. Eventually I’m gonna smash something important, like, a royal crown or something. You know; bad things. Oh well, life moves on. Hehe, I just reread that note I found the night I got me some STRANGE! I’m so proud of myself and the little wriggler. I was blackout drunk and we still got the job done! I mean, yeah, I don’t know WHO it was, but I know that it WAS….or…well…I know that it happened. That’s something I’d really like to know. Do you even understand how much closure I could gain from knowing that?! It’d be, like, so fulfilling to know who decided to be my first conquest. Never again would I have to sit on the crapper -crapping of course- and cry out in confusion about who had impaled themselves on my mighty wriggler. And yes, it IS mighty! I mean, even I -in all of my technical brilliance- could only get a list of suspects. You’ve seen it, of course, but I just want to look at it again. Twilight, Rarity, Blossom, the lesbian, Rose the Spy, Applejack, Octavia -it makes sense in context-, and -knowing entirely well how Celestia feels about me- DURpy. Ugh, parts of that list make me want to vomit. Ah, the nerd. How wonderful it would be to say I marked my place with my bookmark -my GIGANTIC bookmark- so that I could pick back up later and continue from where I left off in that plump librarian. Hey, that wouldn’t be like hooking up with your mom, would it? Cause I’m all for a good MILF. Plus, if that’s the case, then I can enjoy the company of a mare -truly and not sarcastically- as I would finally be able to just slam into her as hard as I could! Oh, I’m getting excited just thinking about it! Imagine it, license to harm a mare! Oh sweet self-loathing that would be great… However, like with everything too good to be true, any strange I’d acquire with her would come at the price of….a relationship!! I can’t… Booky…I am so sorry…I honestly didn’t mean to vomit on you…I’m so so…well…not really, I’m not really that sorry. I mean, yeah, I have to fucking clean it up, but I’m not sorry. Anyday, as I was saying -or writing as the case may, yes I said/wrote may, be-, the absolute second to last thing I want is to be in a relationship with a mare. Crap, knowing mares tends to burn my house down. Being in a relationship with one would probably lead to me being beat up by the Royal Guard and then being half-drowned. And yes, I said/wrote second to last. Foals shall never be birthed from a vagina I have ravaged. Ever. Especially if they originally came from the Mighty Wriggler. No. My lineage ends with my button collection. The best part of sticking the sticky to Rarity would be getting to know her dad. Yeah, remember him? MAGNUM! A-Ah, that’s so satisfying to write! Imagine, me, his chosen heir to the great name ever to be given. He’s probably like the biggest awesome guy ever. Yeah, I can see it now. “Oh, fuck me you rowdy stallion,” screamed Rarity as her body was assaulted with unholy might. Watching, approving of every genital haymaker would be him, Mangum McAwesomename. He’d watch me stick the icky sticky to his daughter and then nod approvingly. You feel that, Booky? Those are called gooesbumps. Blossom…mmm…should I say it? I mean, I don’t want to offend…but…DEM FLANKS! Oh, I can feel it now in my lowering self-esteem! Those meaty, bouncy, soft, cushy, JUICY flanks!!! And me, Ipsa U-fucking-nica, bringing the hammer back and forth into that supple region! Uuuuh!!!! I mean, that is likely the greatest feeling that can be had! Like, you know; brand new paper. You know that smell and feel. All crisp and clean… I’ll have to end this paragraph here before something regretful happens. Tight, that’s pretty much all I can imagine the lesbian being. I figure that since she’s so ridiculously toned that her marehood…. Ah damn it…I’m sorry…this time I mean it…kind of….maybe I should just keep that bucket and towel over here…. Alright…where was I? Right, the nono word. I figure that since she’s so ridiculously toned that her nasty, filthy, lady parts would be so too. And not in the good way. What? Don’t look at me like that. There’s a good and bad way for it to be tight. I totally read about it. Yeah, I said read. You know that word. Cause you’re a book. Get it? Rose the Spy is an interesting case. I mean, yeah, she’s a spy and a bad one to boot, but imagine if she was a double agent! My Mighty Wriggler could easily turn her! Turn her AROUND! YEAH! I went there! Haha, I’m great. No, really, I could use a double agent like her. Then the conspiracy would fall as I learned more about it. Also, she’s kinda cute in a I-really-want-to-look-at-you-while-you-sleep kind of way. What? Don’t look at me, you filthy book. I suppose one of the more weird ones would be Applejack. Sure, she’s got a nice body and really cute green eyes, but she’s also strong as all holy crap. Sex with her would likely amount to me crying out into the night for some dark crusader to come save me from my dominatrix. She’d hold me against my will and slurp my length into her slobbering maw, thirsty from a hard day’s work. Ever so uncomfortably she’d force me to become hard before throwing me to the ground and mounting me before a chance to fight back would occur. There’d be little I could do against her mega-strength. Even with my tested stallion power. She’d ride me hard, harder than possible, before… …So yeah…getting that towel was a good idea…now I REALLY am sorry about it…ugh…gonna have to wash the floor now… Um…alright…let me get back into the swing of it… Where was I? Nerd abuse, Magnum’s spawn, the mare with the greatest assets of all mares, the lesbian who happens to be a lesbian, Rose the maybe double agent, the dominatrix, and…oh…I suppose things just got real. Octavia…I don’t know what to say to the feelings that come to mind at her name. I mean, I really tried for her. Not very hard, but I did try. I kind of want to rip her face off and then kiss it tenderly, but that just feels normal. I suppose the best that could come from her randomly hopping onto the Mighty Wriggler would be that whatever made her show her true colors wouldn’t matter anymore…I mean, it isn’t like she reminds me of my mom or anything. No, nothing like that. Not even if their manes happen to look just alike. Mom’s voice was nowhere near as sexually arousing as hers. Mom’s wasn’t English…it was like a sweet honey that sang into the deepest parts of your feelings… You should’ve heard her when she sang. It was beautiful… …When did I start crying? Hm, oh well, another reason I’m a genius for bringing the towel over her-OHMYFUCKINGCELESTIA!!!!!!!! YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! DID I JUST WIPE MY FACE WITH A STUFF COVERED TOWEL?!!?!?!? Ugh….I’m gonna throw up…. …So…much…disgusting…on…one…towel… Blugh, sorry about that, where was I? Oh, right, sad things, but, if you don’t mind, I’d like to focus on the bitch in that paragraph rather than the beautiful mare that made me cry. And yes, those commas were intentional. If I were to somehow just find myself with Octavia again…well, I can’t promise I wouldn’t snuff that bitch out with my pillow in her sleep, but I can promise that I would. Also, I’d probably have tons of just nasty sex with her. You know, degrading stuff. I wouldn’t want her feeling all uppity and high on herself afterwards, would I? I mean, it doesn’t really matter cause I’d kill her afterwards, but still, fuck her. Wow, that got dark! I wonder if talking about the bane of my being will bring me out of this funk. Hm, probably not. So, exactly what would happen if the Derptard got her hooves on my Mighty Wriggler? Death? Murder? Execution? Castration? Well, I’m hoping that the first three would happen…cause the last one sounds unpleasant. Hm, I suppose that the horrid affair wouldn’t be the ABSOLUTE WORST THING EVER IN HISTORY OF EVER! My reasoning? Well, bedding her doesn’t mean I have to marry her. Although I must admit that the act of degrading myself with her filthy body wouldn’t be exactly awful. I mean, come on, I’m not pure evil. Sweet, supple lips, eyes with minds of their own, probably a smell matching baby powder, and strength paralleling her stupidity. I imagine that it’d be much the same as sticking the Mighty Wriggler of the Stars into a pillow. The action would probably be really dull, but I can’t help but admit that the prospect of sticking the icky sticky to her would be somehow dreamy… …I’m starting to get really sick of this crap…I only have three towels to use and two of them don’t exist. So this is pretty much the last time I can use this towel….at least its vomit this time…again… The fuck even was that? Dreamy? DREAMY?! I suppose if it was brutal, bloody lovemaking…. …I SWEAR I’M LEAVING THAT PUDDLE THERE! WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS MAKING ME SAY THESE THINGS?! Though hatred have I found a love that will last any assault? Or have I simply gone insane? Yep, the last one is true. Before the voices start up again, I’d probably end up striking her down with the Mighty Wriggler from the Sky Fortress of the Mighty Wriggler by sticking up her most lovely of crevice. At her behest I’d trail every kiss to have ever been across her angel lips… …That puddle’s just gonna get bigger… ALRIGHT! THAT’S IT! NO MORE TALK ABOUT WHO COULD’VE FUCKED ME! Ugh, that was horrible. I mean, WHY WOULD I SAY THAT?! I know my plan was to wait until sun down to head out for work, but there’s too much vomit and unpleasantness in here right now. Plus, I’m just feeling so stiff right now. Walking it off would feel good.