*Systems analyzing, checking for updates...*
*Brian.exe is now up-to-date. Logging in...*
Oh lovely, how nice of you to join me! So... About the whole ‘going crazy’ thing... How do you wanna go about doin’ this shit?
Why do we have to go insane? I rather like these turn of events. What’s not to like?
Oh, well, let’s see here. I have homework due, I’m supposed to be receiving several commissions any day now, Wave doesn’t know what happened to me, mom will kill me if slash once she ever finds me, and even if she didn’t, she’d be allergic to me since I’m a dog... fox... thing. And then-
Oh Blah blah blah! Excuses! You’ve wanted something like this to happen your entire life, and now that something has happened, you’re bitching about it! Come on, brah, what gives?!
I wanted it to be by my choice! I wanted to be consulted if I left, or at least get to choose what Pokemon I was, or what world I landed in, or... I mean, come on! I land in a world of friggin pansy horses?!
Actually, after having thought about it, I don’t think they’re horses. At least, fully-grown horses. The Eeveelution family are only about three feet tall on average, and those horses are only a bit taller than you are, the young ones being smaller than you, so I would have to guess... Miniature horses?
... Okay, yeah, sure, whatever. Point is, I didn’t know my daydreaming was going to land me on a lame planet, okay? I was supposed to land on a planet with magic, or something awesome, not stupid, girly... horses! I mean, come on! Chocobos are way cooler than horses...
It’s not fair! I hate fire! Why couldn’t I have been an Espeon, or a Glaceon?! Those stupid Pokemon personality test things lied to me!
*Le gasp!* You mean that the internet lied to you?! The horror!
But my Pokesona was cool! I was a blue Espeon! I could use Ice instead of Psychic! I-
Was a totally lame Gary Stu original character that didn’t really have many weaknesses or anything to balance him out aside from moments of stupidity and not understanding what the women were saying.
... Fine, kick me when I’m down, what do I care? I suppose you have to get your hits in somehow, so sure, why not... Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find a nice, cold pool of water to go drown myself in. That sounds like fun...
Oh would you quit your bitching already?! Grow up! You don’t always get what you want! You’re almost twenty-two! Start acting like the adult that you claim to be and face these... circumstances, like a man! Stop whining, stop complaining, and start trying to figure out how this happened and if or how we can get back home, do you understand?!
Now, Brian didn’t really scare me, but I knew better than to talk back when he was in his ‘soapbox’ mode. Now, don’t get me wrong. Soapbox Brian can be freaking amazing sometimes. Some of the inspirational speeches he’s given me have brought me from the brinks of suicide and made me want to freaking do stuff!
So yeah... Fun times, fun times... Know what’s not fun? Waking up suddenly. Now, I got lucky. This time, I did not wake up in pain. I mean, before I had really woken up, I had felt a fan being turned on or something, since I felt something cold against me. Okay, I’ll admit, I’m a weirdo. I can’t sleep without a fan being on me. I don’t know if I need the extra wind blowing on me to help me breathe, if I have sleep apnea, if I really get that hot when I sleep, but there you go. I freaking love the cold. I’m the guy who’s wearing, at the very most, a light hoodie when the temperature is in the negative Celsius’. Yeah, I love my cold.
So there I was, resting peacefully, when all of a sudden, something screaming in my ear combined with the floor shaking me woke me. My eyes snapped open as I screamed for just a second, startled, and then noticed that, curled right up next to me, neat as you please, was a Glaceon.
Naturally, my first reaction was to jump back, startled, since it was right friggin next to me! After screaming for a second, I realized that it was screaming too, so I shut up for just a second, panting for breath, and it was then that I realized that the Glaceon was a woman. Now, please keep in mind, I’m not really a cursing man. If I’m really upset, I might throw out damn, or shit, but that’s usually about the extent of my cursing. But dang if that Glaceon hadn’t scared the crap out of me! “What the hell is your problem?!” I yelled, gasping for breath.
“Me?! What’s your problem, pervert?!” the Glaceon shot back, standing very defensively, her tail wrapping around herself. “I finally escape long enough to take a nap, and then you come along and kidnap me so you can take advantage of me?!”
“What?! Why the hell would I-”
“I don’t know! That’s what makes you the pervert, pervert!”
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
Everypony watched as the two creatures shot up, screaming as they backed away from each other, stunned as they started yelling at each other. Sweetie Belle fidgeted as she listened to them argue, asking, “Do you think they’re having a fight? Why are they fighting? That’s stupid!”
“Maybe they’re havin’ a, a lovers quarrel?” Applebloom suggested, looking to Scootaloo.
“Sure, makes sense to me,” Scootaloo agreed, nodding.
“Ugh! Why does Fluffy have to be so stupid?! I’ll be right back,” Sweetie groaned to herself, stomping towards Fluffy.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
“That makes me a pervert?! I don’t even know who the hell you are or where you came from!” I protested, yelling. “I went to sleep, and when I woke up, there you were! How does that make me the pervert?!”
“Fluffy, stop being so stupid!”
Oh, joy, the one that claimed me as her ‘pet’ is talking to me. Just what I needed...
“Don’t you know that the mare is always right? Stop yelling at her! You will talk about this with an indoor voice, or I’m going to have to punish you.”
“... You’re a talking, mythological creature. What the hell do you think you can do to me?” I asked Sweaty Belt, quirking an eyebrow. “I’m a friggin Pokemon, and you’re just a kid. You can’t even understand a single word I’m saying, so why don’t you go away, while Creepo McStalker Chick and I keep yelling at each other to figure out what the heck is going on, mkay?”
“I don’t like your tone of voice, mister!” the white unicorn lectured me, frowning as she tapped her tiny hoof. That is what it’s called, right? A hoof? Is the plural of hoof hoofs or hooves? I don’t know! I got sidetracked again! “Now I did not go through all of this trouble to reunite you and your wife just for you two to start-”
“My what?!”
Oh good, the Glaceon is yelling alongside with me. At least I know she’s paying attention. Wait a second... “You mean you put us together?”
Oh good. Sweaty had the sense to look between us, and I could see the doubt starting to form on her face. All this needed was something to wrap this up. I quickly walked closer to the Glaceon, stopping several feet away from her, before turning back to Sweaty.
Super Awesome Fantastical Epic Charades time go!
I pointed to myself first, then pointed to Glaceon, put my paws together as I shook my head sharply, before making a slashing x motion with my forepaws, and then ended it by intertwining my claws together. Bam! Epic! There’s no way she could possibly misinterpret-
“Umm... You two don’t cut your friends?”
… Wow, I think I just set a new world record speed for head impacting the floor. How did she not understand what I-
“Oh! I know! You and she aren’t really together!”
Oh, my, gosh... all of a sudden, my vision was assaulted by pink. Not just, you know, normal pink, this was Bam! in your face pink.
Anyway, while I had my nice, calm, relaxing heart attack while laying on the floor, I absently hear the Glaceon give an affirmative, and assumably nodded as well, as I heard Sweaty’s mother start to lecture her. “Sweetie Belle, what have I told you about-”
Wait, Sweetie Belle? I... suppose that does make a little more sense for her than Sweaty Belt... Whatever.
“But everypony else backed me up when Princess Celestia put her next to Fluffy!” Sweetie Belle protested. I watched as her ears wilted against her head, and her eyes started to water, and I could just feel Brian starting to melt from pity and cuteness.
Hold it together, Brian! Resist the enemy! She’s not so cute that-
B-but just look at how sad and ashamed she looks! She was just trying to help, brah, come on!
But... I... she... I sighed, giving in. Alright, fine... I’ll try to figure out how to help her, whatever... Just stop melting already, I’m gonna need you later!
“And furthermore, you-”
I poked the older unicorn, quirking an eyebrow when she looked at me, before I jerked my head to the side, where Sweetie Belle was... Wait, where was she...
… Crap. Well, I was going to say that she had been crying next to me, but now she decided that my mane would be a lovely place to hide from her mother, and was currently trying to give me a bath using her face.
“Wow, talk about awkward, Bro. You okay?”
Wait, who the hell was that? I turned to the side, and saw a Totodile staring at me, his head tilted to the side. “Umm... You know what, considering that this is the first time I’ve had a female of any kind attached to me, sobbing her heart out... Yeah, I think I’m strangely alright. S’up? What’s your name?”
“Meh, whatever. Some people call me Cerulean, so I guess that works. How about you?”
“Well, my real name is Glenn Winters, but, apparently, my name here is Fluffy. So, considering I can’t really get a worse name than that, you can call me whatever you want.”
“Ey, Fluffy, just like Gabriel Iglasias! Nice!” the Totodile started laughing, rolling on the ground.
I blinked, thinking about that, before I did a double take. “Hey, you’re right! Wow, and here I thought no one knew about the six levels of fat! Nice to meet you!”
I’ll keep this short for those of you who don’t know what the heck we’re talking about. He’s a comedian that’s fairly hefty, and one of his jokes is that there’s six levels of fat. Big, healthy, husky, fluffy, damn, and Aw hell no! So yeah, ah’m fluffy... And that’s alright. Oh good, it seems that Sweetie is starting to calm down now. Maybe that means I’ll be regaining the use of my tail soon, as she had switched from my mane to my tail a couple of minutes ago...
“Princess Celestia, we’ve caught an escapee!”
Oh, look, two more horses wearing armor that looked exactly alike! That’s pretty cool, I suppose. I mean, how often do twins join the army? Wait, they said princess? The big white one was talking with them, so I guess that... Okay, so I’m blind. So what if I didn’t see her crown somehow? So what if that big, scary, navy blue horse from my dream was standing right in front of me, and-
HOLY CRAP IT’S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! IT’S REAL?! OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP! WHAT DO I SAY, WHAT DO I SAY?!
“... I regret nothing.”
Nooooooo! Brian! What the hell?! Are you trying to get us killed?!
The horse stared at me for a moment, before smiling slightly, replying, “Apology accepted...”
Brian, you’ve totally screwed us over an- wait a second... Apology accepted? How did she... Oh wait! She can’t understand us! Yes! Score! Brian, you’re a freaking genius! The tone was perfect!
Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.
Well, there’s the mysteries of the female mind, for starters. How we got here, or why I’m a Flareon. You don’t know what we’re best at, or-
I didn’t mean it literally!
Then why the hell did you say that?! You’re stupid! Now shut up! The big princess pony thing is talking to me again!
“Thou art doing well, if you are not being driven to insanity yet. Dost thou know how you came to be here?”
I looked around awkwardly, before pointing to the now sniffling Sweetie Belle, who was being comforted by her mother, who was apologizing to her daughter, hugging her tight as she levitated a brush to fix her-
Holy crap that brush is levitating! What the hell?! I gaped as I noticed the blue glow around the brush, and then noticed the mother’s horn glowing as well. ... Brian... They can use magic. They, can use magic. Brian, they can use freaking magic...
… Yes, so I’ve noticed... I... Highly suggest we not do anything to piss them off, agreed?
Uh-huh... I’m on it like ugly on an orc...
“That little one brought you to this world?”
Oh. Well, when she puts it that way... I shook my head, shrugging helplessly. Hell if I knew how I got here... Oh, joy, I’m being hugged by Sweetie again...
“I’m sorry I assumed you had a special somepony, Fluffy. I didn’t mean to make you fight with whoever she was. Can you forgive me?”
I sighed, debating my options. Let’s see, do I accept her apology, making the equivalent of a small girl happy? Or do I deny her, thus making her break down into a sobbing, weeping mess, and thus anger her mother and a dark princess that knows only God knows how many forms of torture and pain-infliction? Yeah, hard choice, I know. That decision right there kept me awake many a night, wondering if I made the right choice, or if I could have handled things differently.
What, you think I’m trolling you, or being sarcastic or something? Trust me, you have NO idea how much I wish I was... And you want to know who or what I blame for what I did? Fanfics. That’s right, I blame fanfics, especially the Spyro ones. They lied to me! They were all like, “Yeah, do this, it’s really soothing and relaxing and shows them that you really didn’t mean anything, or that you totally forgive them, or in a few instances is totally romantic and crap.” Well eff you, liars. I hope you all drown in hate mail! I hope you all choke on your stupid ramen noodles!
I suppose you want to know what I decided to do, yeah? Well, I guess there’s no more putting it off. See, the thing about me is, especially in weird scenarios, such as this, I uh, tend to get stupid. Silly. Somewhat ridonculous. You get the picture. Well, I wanted to let Sweetie know I forgave her, right? (Eff you, past me! You’re a friggin moron!)
So I licked her cheek.
First of all, totally gross. I don’t know how cats can bring themselves to clean themselves, because that was just... uuugh. Not one second after I licked her I was turning away from her, gagging as I felt a few hairs on my tongue.
While Sweetie Belle giggled, (so I guess mission success?) her mother was not too pleased with me. Not. At. All.
Now, I know some of you will laugh at me, but I know at least one or two of you will understand when I say: I am scared of my mother. It might be stupid, but if my mom tells me to do something, it’s already halfway done. I like to think my parents did a damn good job on raising me overall, and I hated it whenever they had to punish me. I never got punished often, but when I did... Y-yeah, not going there... Just, in general, I usually have a very healthy respect for those in charge, assuming they’ve earned it at all.
Sweetie Belle’s mother, when she’s angry, is scary... So very, very scary... I mean, I don’t know much about what makes a horse beautiful to another horse, but from what little I had seen, she seemed like she was a fairly sophisticated, cultured horse, if her mane and tail were anything to go by. So to see her go from happy and encouraging to raging was... It gives me chills, and not the good kind, let me tell you!
Now, I’m not going to tell you what she told me, mostly because I feel that, if I have to fully re-live that, I will die. So I’ll just let you use your imagination as to all of the things that she ranted and raged about my decorum, and hygiene, and... Okay, find my happy place, find my happy place!
.o.O.o.