As Applejack passed the next day with farm work and chores, the wall of determination started to crack. Once again there was nothing left to do but think, and the feelings that seeped in tore at her already tender heart. Every hope and dream she had for the future included Rainbow Dash. Most of her happy memories included Dash, too. In some thoughts it was a huge, gaping hole, and in some it was just the nagging feeling of some missing detail, but none of her thoughts felt right. And as soon as she remembered why, the pain returned.
She bucked a few rows of trees, no longer looking forward to a few years from now, when Dash would come home to stay, or a few months until her next vacation, or even Friday. There might be a letter Friday, but it wasn’t one to look forward to. Thoughts of cider season or Hearth’s Warming were clouded, knowing that even if Dash wanted to see her by then, things would be awkward. She knew that new dreams would come along someday, but until then the future felt like a blank calendar, page after page of nothing but uncertainty.
The past was worse than that, every beautiful memory turned into a weapon against her. Too many fun parties, or joyful runs, or nights under the stars came back to her painfully. So many times she had done little day-to-day things with her pegasus there, smiling in the background. The greatest victories of her life, Rainbow Dash stood next to her. Even getting her cutie mark was tied to her now ex-marefriend, and Applejack wondered if she’d ever see another rainbow that wasn’t bittersweet.
One memory came back again and again as she worked that day, the first time Dash had said she loved her. It wasn’t exactly romantic. In a way it made her feel justified. But it nagged her more than the others, maybe because it reminded her that when things were different there had been a chance for them.
They’d been dating a few months, and were walking home from a party. It was dark out, but a full moon lit the path. Applejack had been getting slightly uncomfortable, they kissed and went on dates, and had a great time, but she wasn’t sure exactly where they stood.
So that night, at the gate to Sweet Apple Acres, she turned to Rainbow Dash and said, “Dash, I love ya’.”
Applejack stared at Dash, daring her to hesitate. Which she didn’t. She just said, “I know,” and kept walking.
Applejack grabbed Dash’s tail in her teeth and tugged her back. Dash landed on her rear, looking confused.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Applejack challenged.
“What? I just meant, of course you love me.” Dash rolled her eyes. “That’s why we’re dating, AJ.”
“Do you love me?” Applejack asked, almost as confused as Dash now. The pegasus seemed to be oblivious to how a relationship was supposed to go.
“Yeah! I’ve said it, like, a million times.” Dash claimed, but Applejack was absolutely sure that wasn’t true.
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Name one.”
“I mean, I must have.” Dash stammered. “I brought you those flowers. . .”
“Never said it. ‘Sides you ate most of those.” Applejack smirked.
“They were good! But- but- I said it when you had your mane down last week! I totally said it then!” Dash looked to Applejack for agreement.
She just shook her head. “Nope.”
“I did-” Dash started to argue, then her face fell. “Oh. Yeah. I remember now, I thought it would sound sappy. It was when I wanted to say how pretty you looked.”
Applejack smiled. “You thought I looked pretty?”
Dash’s eyes went wide. “In a totally cool way! Not, like, I thought your mane looked really soft, and your eyes looked all sparkly in the sun. . . ‘Cause that would be lame. Heh.”
Applejack just chuckled. “Ya’ know, Dash, you can tell me this stuff. I ain’t gonna go spreadin’ it around.”
Dash eyed her suspiciously. “Promise?”
“Yup.” Applejack nodded.
“Uh, okay. . .” Dash looked down and rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. “Well. . . I guess I love you. And you’re pretty. And stuff.”
Applejack kissed Dash on the lips. “I love ya’ too.”
Dash grinned. “That’s kind of cool. Does it always work like that?” she said, and she wrapped her wing around AJ as they finished the walk to the farmhouse. After that night, Dash had said she loved AJ countless times.
And now she wouldn’t, ever again. That was gone.
Applejack hauled a load of apples to the barn, feeling the pain at that fact overwhelm any common sense. If they’d had that conversation by letters, it would’ve taken Dash years to say she loved her. That was why this couldn’t work. They’d been doomed from the start, they just hadn’t realized it.
She knew all of that, but. . . Rainbow Dash would never say she loved her again.
In the barn, she unloaded her apples from the cart into barrels, and put the lids on tight. She was just finishing the last one when she heard a soft sound from the door of the barn.
“Um. . .”
“Hey, Fluttershy.” Applejack said, giving the top of the barrel a good thump, then turning to look at her friend. Fluttershy was looking at her from behind her mane, even more concerned than usual.
“Hello, Applejack. I. . . um. .. thought you might want to talk to somepony today. Unless you don’t.”
Applejack sighed. “Ya’ talked to Rarity?”
“Yes. . .” Fluttershy admitted. “She said, well, that you might. . . need a friend.”
“I did it,” Applejack said, feeling a lump in her throat. “I sent Dash a letter.”
“I’m sorry,” was all Fluttershy said as she gently walked over to Applejack and gave her a nuzzle.
“I am too. I never meant to hurt her.” Applejack looked down at the floor of the barn, not sure what else to say.
“Applejack,” Fluttershy said softly. “Sometimes these things, well. . . they just don’t work out. If that’s what happened, it’s nopony’s fault. You feel bad, and Rainbow Dash will feel bad, but your friends still love both of you.”
“I know y’all will. And I love y’all. Even. . .” Applejack swallowed and cringed a little.
Fluttershy nodded, biting her lip.
Applejack went on, “I had’ta do it, Fluttershy. I was hurtin’, and I was just gonna go on hurtin’. This way. . . it hurts now, but we can get through it.”
“I know. It’s okay,” Fluttershy whispered.
“Thanks. I- I’m just tryin’ to get on with things now.” Applejack nodded to the barn. “Get through it. It hurts, but that’ll go away. Will ya’ let the girls know I’m kinda stayin’ clear of town right now? I ain’t quite ready for ponies askin’ questions.”
“Of course. Take all of the time you need. But. . . maybe in a few days you’d like to get together with us? We want to be there for you.”
Applejack smiled a little. “Tell ya’ what. If you promise ya’ won’t let Pinkie out here before then, I’ll head into town on Friday, and we’ll all have lunch. I just ain’t sure I can stand bein’ cheered up by Pinkie just now, bless ‘er soul.”
“I’ll ask Twilight to help. I’m sure she can keep Pinkie distracted,” Fluttershy agreed. “And, well, you know where my house is, if you need to talk.”
“Thanks. Thanks so much, sugarcube.”
“You’re welcome.” Fluttershy gave Applejack another quick nuzzle, and turned and walked out of the barn.
When she was well out of earshot, Applejack sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said, knowing there was nopony there to hear it.
***
The week went by, the pain dulled to an ache. The belongings Dash kept with AJ were carefully boxed up, and the photo on AJ’s nightstand was moved to the bottom of a chest, along with the magazine from under her mattress. She wanted to throw the magazine away, but the simple fact that it was Rainbow Dash’s picture made it impossible to resign to the trash barrel or the fireplace. Someday she would look at it again, when it didn’t hurt so much.
By that Friday, Applejack almost felt ready to face the town. She trotted to Sugarcube Corner, only feeling the occasional twinge in her heart. She nodded to ponies, who thankfully kept their distance, until she came to the bakery. There she cautiously opened the door and peeked in.
Her friends were already there, so she entered the shop and smiled. “Hey, y’all.”
Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy smiled and greeted her. Pinkie, looking decidedly uncomfortable, was squinting and trying to remember something. Then she gave a huge grin.
“Hello, Applejack! I hope you’re feeling. . . better.” Pinkie turned her head back to Twilight. “It was better, right? Because I wasn’t supposed to say good or okay because she might still be really sad, and it might make her even sadder to have to say she’s okay when she’s sad, and-”
“Pinkie!” Twilight hissed, smacking her own face with her hoof.
“What? I didn’t say anything about Rainbow Da- mmmph!” Pinkie’s mouth was suddenly filled with a cupcake surrounded by a blue glow of magic.
Rarity smiled at Applejack. “How are you feeling, darling?”
“Fine. Just fine,” Applejack said, taking a deep breath.
“Good.” Twilight smiled and seemed to relax a little. “Would you like a cupcake?”
“They’re really yummy!” Pinkie added, having finished the one in her mouth. “I made them myself! Apple cinnamon, your favorite!”
“Well, don’t mind if I do.”
“I have a hundred and twenty more in the back!”
Applejack stopped with her mouth halfway to the cupcake, and raised her eyebrows. “A. . . hundred and twenty?”
“Yup! I wanted to cheer you up, but Twilight said cheering you up wasn’t going to cheer you up, so I asked what would cheer you up, and Twilight said I could bake you some cupcakes! But you’ve been sad a few days, and every time I wanted to go cheer you up I baked more cupcakes. . . I wanted to cheer you up a lot.”
Applejack stared at Pinkie and blinked. Then, for the first time in almost a week, she chuckled. “Well now, thank ya’ Pinkie. That sure does cheer me up.”
Her four friends smiled and relaxed, joining in the laughter and cupcakes. Everything felt normal, it felt good. Twilight talked about a book she’d been reading, Rarity complained about a picky customer, Fluttershy sat next to Applejack, smiling to see her friend smile, and Pinkie was Pinkie. It was exactly what Applejack needed, she could feel herself relaxing.
Until the shop door opened, and she heard a scratchy voice behind her.
“Hey guys, what's the party for?”
Everypony froze, and eyes went wide around the room. Applejack shut her eyes, she couldn’t turn around. But she had to, it was only fair. This had to happen someday, and it might as well be sooner rather than later.
When she opened her eyes again, her friends were glancing around frantically, but none of them had answered Dash. So Applejack took a deep breath and turned around.
Rainbow Dash wasn’t wearing her uniform. She didn’t look angry, which was good. She didn’t look happy, either. A small smirk played at her lips, but her face looked tired and worn.
“Did ya’ get my last letter?” Applejack said softly.
Dash took a shaky breath and nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, I been down since. . .” Applejack hesitated, but decided there was no sense in beating around the bush. “Since I broke up with ya’. That wasn't how I wanted it to go anymore than you did. The girls were just tryin' to cheer me up.”
Twilight added apologetically, “We, um, would have done the same for you, Dash. But you weren't here, and AJ was. . .”
“I know, guys. I get it.” Dash said with a sad smile towards her friends. Then she turned to Applejack, and her smile turned to a look of determination. “But, I'm not accepting the break up. I'm not breaking up with you.”
“Uh. . .” Applejack just stared. Then she shook her head. “I ain't sure you can do that, Dash.”
“I can at least ask you to talk to me, right? Tell me face to face, if that's what you really want.” Dash looked AJ in the eye, refusing to break eye contact while Applejack felt every bit of pain come rushing back to her.
It was Applejack who finally cringed. “It ain't what I want! But I can't have what I want. I just can't make ya' see things right through the letters, and that's all I get for a good long time. So will ya' please just lemme be?”
“I can see how upset you are. And I can totally see how that's my fault. So just gimme a chance to talk to you.” Dash smiled sadly and shrugged. “I mean, what've we got to lose?”
“I guess I owe ya’ that.” Applejack admitted. She turned to her friends, “Y’all mind if we-”
“Oh no!” Twilight said, “Go talk, you two.”
Fluttershy nodded, as Rarity added, “Take all the time in the world.”
“Take some cupcakes!” Pinkie said frantically to Dash, shoving a bakery box into the hooves of the confused pegasus. “Girls love cupcakes!”
“Uh, okay.” Dash agreed.
“We’ll be-” Applejack hesitated, unsure if both of them would be coming back to Sugarcube Corner that day. “We’ll seeya later.”
She walked out the door, Dash flying after her. Outside, Dash moved to her side. Applejack caught ponies in town staring at them. Most of them had probably heard some version of what happened, or pieced it together between the tabloid article and Applejack’s public breakdown and disappearance.
The two walked towards Sweet Apple Acres. AJ couldn’t help stealing glances at Dash, feeling guilty that she couldn’t think of anything to say. A week ago, just having a walk like this would have been a dream come true, but now it was a private torture, a reminder of how much she’d lost for the decisions she made.
“So, how long are ya’ here for?” Applejack asked, to fill the awkward silence.
“Heh, I’m not technically here. . .” Dash blushed and smiled a little. “I’m in Cloudsdale, for a family emergency. But Spitfire didn’t buy that for a second. She knows about the letter, she’s just giving me a break. I’ll have to get back by tomorrow morning if I don’t want her to call me on it.”
Applejack smiled a little and shook her head at Dash. “Must be hard, to have’ta sneak off to take care’a somethin’ like this.”
“Nah, you do what you have to do for what’s really important,” Dash said with a shrug. “Hard is flying from Fillydelphia to Ponyville and back in a day.”
“You flew all the way from Fillydelphia?” Applejack raised her eyebrows.
“Non-stop,” Dash answered with a sad smile.
Applejack knew a flight like that must have taken hours. Dash would have had to have left before dawn, just to come and have Applejack really tell her it was over. No wonder she looked so tired.
As soon as they started passing apple trees, Applejack spoke up. “This look okay? For a talk, I mean.”
“Yeah, this is good.” Dash nodded. Applejack jumped the fence into the orchard, while Dash flew over and landed next to her. They both settled in under a tree, just out of view of the road.
“So. . .” Applejack sighed. “I wasn’t sure you’d wanna talk about this. I thought ya’d be mad at me.”
“I was. I mean, I think it’s a good thing you sent a letter. I’ve had a day to cool down.” Dash set down the box of cupcakes and leaned back against an apple tree. “Reading that hurt, and sometimes I’m not the smartest pony in Equestria when I’m hurting.”
“I’m sorry,” Applejack said softly. “But, I meant it, Dash.”
“I'm sorry, too, AJ. I messed up.” Dash looked at the grass, and fidgeted with tree root growing through it. “When I got that letter from you, telling me it was over, I was really confused, and hurt, and angry. And I wanted to talk to you, but you weren't there. I broke a lamp in my hotel room, I threw it at the wall, and Spitfire made me tell her what happened. Then, when I was telling her, I kinda realized. . . you were probably feeling the same way when you got those letters from me.”
“I darn near bucked a hole in the wall of my room.” AJ said, but she had to smile a little at Dash finally understanding how she felt.
“Okay, so let's not do this stuff anymore. Do you even know how much hotels charge you for a lamp?” Dash rolled her eyes, and gave a nervous smile. Applejack had to chuckle, and Dash’s smile relaxed. “We're both here, so let's talk. I love you. Do you still love me?”
“Yeah. I do,” Applejack said, not meeting Dash’s eyes. “But that ain't gonna fix everythin', Dash.”
“I know. But it's a start. Now, tell me what's wrong.” Dash said seriously.
Applejack sighed. She thought all of this was behind her. “I already wrote ya’-”
“And that worked really well,” Dash cut in. “So tell me.”
Applejack swallowed, and remembered all of the problems and pain. “Famous ponies. . . they're different, ya' know? Ya' see 'em on a magazine, and ya' never think that's somepony's friend, or marefriend, or somepony who's got a family. And they don't help matters none, by doin' all the crazy stuff they do. So when I see you there, and I get your letters, and I can't talk to ya', I feel like you're different now. And I don't wanna be with somepony different, Dash. I wanna be with you, but you're just. . . not there.”
There was silence for a few moments. Applejack stole a glance at Dash, who seemed to be concentrating, thinking carefully about something. But Dash caught her eye, and nodded.
“I get it. But I'm here now, right?”
“For a bit,” Applejack said sadly.
“I mean, I'm the pony you wanna be with? I’m not a different pony, just me?”
Applejack looked at Dash, with her bright magenta eyes, and her vivid colors, and that sweet, hopeful look on her face. “Yeah. Ya' are.”
“Good.” Dash nodded and smiled. “I'm always this pony, AJ. Really. On photoshoots, or at parties, or wherever. I told you all about the stuff I was doing because it sounds cool, I thought you'd rather hear that than the stuff I think about. But the stuff I think about, that's all about you, and Ponyville, and how much I miss you. Before I got your letter, I spent a whole evening last week at some party, and all I was thinking was, is this really worth it? Is being a Wonderbolt really worth being away from home and the pony I love?”
“What'd ya' decide?” Applejack asked, softly.
Dash frowned and looked down, her ears drooping. “I decided this is a once in a lifetime chance, and that if there was one pony in the whole world that I could count on to wait for me, it was you. And that's what made me feel better, knowing that I had you waiting here, and I didn't have to choose between my dream and my life. 'Cause, this is my life, AJ. Here, with you.” She sighed, and AJ thought she saw the gleam of tears in Dash’s eyes. “At least, I thought it was.”
Applejack felt her heart beating, like it had somehow been stopped and she hadn’t noticed until it started again. She bit her lip, and reached out a hoof to touch Dash’s. “You never did say that.”
“I didn't.” Dash shook her head, still looking at the ground. “I'm sorry. It's just. . . Remember when I said ‘I love you’ for the first time?”
“I was thinkin’ ‘bout that the day I sent that letter.”
“Well, then you should know that sometimes I’m not good at saying stuff like feelings. It feels sappy and corny, so I don’t say it and I figure you’ll know.” Dash gave a snort, still looking at the ground. “We’re gonna call that bad idea number one.”
“I know, and. . .” Applejack hesitated, then dropped her own eyes to look at the grass. “I ain't always been helpin'. I been scared of all this for a while, but I never did say it before ya' left. I just wanted ya' to be happy.”
Dash raised her eyebrows. “How'd you expect me to do that if you're not happy?”
“I was bein' a fool.” Applejack smiled sadly, looking at Dash again. “Guess that was bad idea number two, huh?”
“Yup,” Dash nodded. “And bad idea number three was that I didn’t listen when you tried to tell me. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. I didn’t see that it was a big deal.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “When we ain’t face to face those letters are real important, Dash. They’re the only way I can know what you’re thinkin’, and the only way I can try to tell ya’ what I’m thinkin’. If I take the time to write somethin’ like that, you better believe it’s a big deal.”
“I know that now. We can do better at this. I know neither of us is the best at words, but we’re the best at each other. And if staying the best at you means I have to get better at words, I can work on it.” Dash looked to AJ with big, hopeful eyes. “Just, let me work on it.”
Applejack sighed. With Dash looking like that, it was so tempting. And so messy, there would be more waiting, more hoping, more misunderstandings and magazines and stories she’d have to fend off herself, with nothing but trust that she knew her marefriend better than anypony else in the world. She was beginning to think that she did, with Dash here next to her. It was when Dash flew away that things would get hard again.
“It’s still a long week between letters, Dash. And when ponies are askin’ me ‘bout you and somepony in a tabloid-”
“Hold up, that was not my fault!” Dash cut in, anger clouding her face. “I didn’t even know the guy’s name! We were at a party, and he told a joke, and I toasted him. Then all of a sudden, camera flash, and we’re in the paper and I’m his new marefriend? That was so not fair! Soon as I saw it I knew you were gonna freak out.” The anger dropped, replaced by a dejected pout. “I’m so, so sorry, AJ, but there was nothing I could do.”
“I never believed it, sugarcube.” Applejack reached out and patted Dash’s foreleg. “And I never thought those magazine pictures meant you wanted to be messin’ round with other ponies. But you gotta remember that there are lots of other ponies thinkin’ ‘bout you, and they’re gonna make up stories ‘bout who you are. And maybe they don’t talk to you ‘bout it, but they talk to me.”
“I don’t want ponies making up stories about me either, but I can’t stop them,” Dash said with a shrug. “But that’s why I was so excited about doing those pictures with you. I was hoping I could do some stuff that gave them the right idea for once.”
Applejack drew her hoof back quickly and glared, wondering if she was wrong about really knowing Dash. “Rainbow Dash, how in Equestria do ya’ think takin’ sexy pictures so that ponies can look at me like that is gonna help ‘em stop lookin’ at you like that? Not to mention that you must’a lost your mind if ya’ think I’d ever-”
“What?!” Dash’s eyes went wide, then a grin started to cross her face, like she was trying not to laugh. “That’s what you thought I meant? No way, AJ. It's nothing like that. I promise. I talked to the guy, and I talked to the press manager for the team, and I explained stuff. They thought it was cool that I have an earth pony marefriend, and spend my time off on a farm. Ponies magazine was gonna do a little story on us, and the photographer was gonna come out and take some awesome pictures of us just hanging around the farm here. Nothing you wouldn't be proud to show to Granny Smith.”
“Really?” Applejack asked, amazed. While their communication skills needed a lot of work, Dash’s heart really had been in the right place.
“It would be awesome publicity for the farm,” Dash tempted her with a smirk.
Applejack grinned as her eyes lit up. “Darn right, it’s gonna be! Oh, me and Mac are gonna have to get things cleaned up! New coats of paint on everythin', prune all the trees right before. . .”
“They aren’t coming tomorrow.” Dash giggled. “You really thought I was gonna try to get you to take sexy pictures?”
Applejack blushed. “Well. . .”
Dash wrapped a foreleg around her and nuzzled next to her ear, then whispered, “AJ, if I thought I could get you to let somepony take pictures like that, I’d have them already.”
Applejack chuckled and didn’t push her away.
“So, I guess we aren’t broken up?” Dash asked softly.
Applejack still took a moment to consider. She considered the feeling and smell of Dash right next to her and the pain of those times when she was away. If it had just been that, the pain would have won. Dash was going to be gone more often than she’d be there. But there was something else, those hopes and dreams she’d lost when she sent that letter. Her heart felt full right now, and then some.
“No. No we ain’t. We can give this another shot.” Applejack said, wrapping her forelegs around Dash and completing the hug as a grin of pure happiness lit up Dash’s face. “I love you.”
She had never realized how much Dash gave her until she pushed her away, and she needed that like she needed her family and her farm. It brought tears to her eyes thinking that she’d nearly lost it, and that she now had a second chance. It would be hard, but there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that it was worth it. She buried her face in Dash’s shoulder to wipe the tears away.
“You're gonna get all sappy on me now?” Dash teased.
Applejack pulled away, still crying, but she smiled through the tears and punched Dash playfully in the shoulder. “Shut up, you. I had a rough few weeks.”
Dash laughed. “That's more like it. I love you, Applejack.” She leaned in and kissed AJ, and AJ wrapped her forelegs around Dash. They held each other for a long time, sometimes breaking the kiss to nuzzle each other and just enjoy the feeling of being safe and happy and together. But their lips always found their way back to another kiss.
After what somehow managed to be a both long and frustratingly short make out session, AJ noticed it was late afternoon. She broke their latest kiss and smiled.
“Come on, now. Let’s go tell the girls they can stop worryin’.”
Dash nodded. “Good idea. I wanted to see them too.” She smiled sadly. “I miss you guys.”
Applejack nodded and sighed as they got up, and started to walk back to town. “It’s gonna be a long time ‘til August.”
“Yeah, about that. . . I was thinking, AJ. I’m in Manehatten for a week, next month. Maybe you and the girls could come up. You have family there, you could visit with them and see the sights while I’m at practice, and I could bring you to parties, and you guys could all come watch me fly.” Dash grinned and flew over to AJ’s other side to demonstrate.
“Well that’s a great idea!” Applejack grinned back, then raised an eyebrow. “Ya’ know, I got family all over, Dash. Maybe it’s time I got a little more sociable with ‘em.”
“Family’s really important.” Dash smirked.
Applejack chuckled as she spotted an orange blur headed toward them from the other direction, moving quickly towards Sweet Apple Acres.
“Hi, Applejack! Hi Rainbow-” Scootaloo called, then she skidded to a stop. “Rainbow Dash!”
“Hey, squirt!” Dash said with a friendly smile.
Scootaloo just stared and moved her mouth, trying to form words.
“Uh, you okay?” Dash asked, raising an eyebrow as she flew over to the stunned pony and looked at her face.
As Dash got closer, Scootaloo’s cheeks turned bright red. “I- um, you- um, uh, I gotta go!”
Scoot started again towards Sweet Apple Acres even faster, trying to look over her shoulder at Dash in a way that AJ was sure was going to result in an unhealthy meeting with a fencepost. Applejack just chuckled as Dash’s face grew more confused.
“What’s up with her?”
Applejack smirked. “She gets Flyers Illustrated. For the articles.”
Dash’s face went from confusion to understanding to shock. “I, uh, really didn’t wanna know that.”
Applejack laughed. “Welcome to my life, sugarcube.”