As the week wound by, Applejack’s thoughts were never far from the letter she sent, or the one she would be getting. She was well aware that she was distracted, which only annoyed her more. She never liked to let personal issues get in the way of things, but she couldn’t deny that her worries and hopes and fears were doing just that.
She left a whole row of bushels out overnight one night. Just plumb forgot to take them to the barn. There was no harm done, of course, Mac helped her finish it up the next morning, but that was no way to do a job. And she had gone to the spa with the girls, and had long conversations with Rarity and Twilight, but she couldn’t for the life of her remember what they had talked about. She knew this wasn’t her, she was a careful worker and a dependable friend. But she knew she wasn’t right now, and wouldn’t be again until things were settled with Dash.
The next Friday, it was all AJ could do not to wait by the mailbox all day. It was Mac’s day at the market, so she made herself do some pruning in the orchards towards the rear of the farm. Otherwise she was sure that no work would get done that day.
When it finally came time to finish up, Applejack double and triple checked to make sure she’d got everything cleaned up. It annoyed her to have to do it, but she knew how her mind had wandered all day. When she’d made sure all the rows were raked, and the tools were put away, and she hadn’t missed any trees in her work, then and only then did she allow herself to walk down to the mailbox.
There was a letter waiting for her. She could feel her heart beating as she wondered what was inside, but once again she forced herself to take it upstairs to her room so she could read it in peace. This time it was just her and the letter, the magazine being hidden safely under her mattress. She glanced at the framed photo of Dash that sat on her nightstand, then she turned that face down. That photo was about what they used to have. This letter was what they had now.
She carefully opened the letter, and read:
“Dear AJ,
Sheesh, what got into you? That shoot was just publicity, whenever there's a hot young mare on the team, she does the Wet Feathers Edition. I used to have that poster of Spitfire's cover, remember? I didn't mention it because it was no big deal. And where are you getting this idea that I'm flying away from you? I write you a letter every single week. I'd write you every day, but that would get kind of boring. Most of them would be:
Dear AJ, Woke up. Practiced. Hid Fleetfoot's flight goggles. Got chewed out for hiding Fleetfoot's flight goggles. Performed. Missed you. Went to bed. Love, Dash.
So yeah, once a week gives me time to come up with something to actually say. Sorry if it's not enough for you.
Look, I love you. I really don't want to fight. I promised you I'd write once a week, and I do. I promised you I'd come back to Ponyville in a few years, and I will. I'm doing everything I promised, and I don't want to hurt you. If other ponies looking at me is going to bug you, I don't know what to do. I'm hot and I'm famous. It's going to happen.
Wait, I have an idea. That photographer wanted to do a shoot in August, right? What if we do it together. We can show Equestria that I don't need other ponies when I have the hottest marefriend around. We can even do it in Ponyville, at Sweet Apple Acres, so I can spend some time with you and the girls.
I’ll talk to the PR ponies tomorrow and see what we can do. Oh gosh, I can’t even tell you how awesome it would be to have you with me on a shoot.
Gotta fly.
Love,
Dash”
Applejack felt tears in her eyes, and tried to fight them back, but the tension was too much. It wasn’t just the tears. Her whole body felt like she was going to explode,
“AARGH!” she yelled as she turned and bucked her bedroom wall. It relieved the tension some, but it let the tears loose as well, and as she opened her mouth to yell again only a sob came out.
A whole week of Tartarus, for that letter. To find out that Dash didn’t understand, or didn’t care. Applejack had poured her heart out, trying to make Dash understand that this was hurting her, and Dash’s letter was nothing but a shrug, and what do you want me to do about it? And the pictures. . . that was just salt in the wound, proof that Dash had no clue what Applejack was feeling, proof that Dash thought like a famous pony. Who wouldn’t want to get hussied up and take pictures so other ponies could see them and think Celestia knew what?
She glared at the letter, wanting nothing more than to tell Dash all the things she was thinking right now. She wasn’t sure she could even hold a pencil without biting it in half, but she mentally composed the letter anyway,
Dear Dash,
I’m gonna buck you in your fool head! I’m your marefriend, and you can’t read my letter and think for a minute that I’m scared and hurtin’ without ya’, and maybe you oughta say somethin’ to make me feel better? You can’t think that some ponies might not like lookin’ like a slut in front of all Equestria? ‘Course not, all that matters is your dumb flyin, and dumb team and dumb magazine! Well y’all can go to Tartarus! I hate-
Her thoughts cut off. She couldn’t even think the words. No matter how angry she was, they were a lie. What came to mind next wasn’t so much a letter as a prayer.
I love you. I love ya’ so much. Please come back, Dash. Please come back and hold me, and tell me everythin’s fine, and tease me ‘til I smile again. Celestia help me, why’d I haveta go and love you? I’m the fool here, for feelin’ like this.
There was a knock at her door, and Applejack quickly wiped her tears away. “Come in.”
Mac opened the door, looking concerned. “You okay?”
Applejack caught her breath for a moment, so she was sure she wouldn’t sob. “Fine. Just fine.”
With a look at her tear-stained face and the wall of her bedroom, Mac made it clear that she wasn’t fooling him. She glanced at the wall herself and saw that the chair-rail separating the wood panels from the plaster on top was broken to splinters where her hooves had landed.
“I’ll fix it,” she said, feeling like a fool for doing so much damage over a letter.
Mac just nodded. “Wanna talk?”
“It won’t do any good, Mac.” Applejack sighed. “There’s only one pony I need to talk to, and I can’t.”
“I understand, sis’.” He glanced at where the picture on her nightstand was turned down. “It’s hard.”
“Ya’ know, ponies keep tellin’ me that. And y’all just don’t know hard it is.” She shook her head. “And it’s gonna go on for years like this, and there’s nothin’ I can do.”
“Maybe it’ll get better,” Mac suggested gently.
“I sure hope so. I dunno how much more of this I can take.” Applejack took a few deep breaths and tried to clear her head. “I gotta get washed up for supper.”
Mac nodded, and turned to head downstairs. Applejack started to follow, but paused. She glanced back at the turned down picture, and considered righting it. But instead she just left it as it was and went to go wash her face.
***
For the next two days, Applejack tried to figure out her letter to Dash. The one she thought of before, in the heat of anger, just wouldn’t do. She was a sensible pony, and thinking about it with a clear mind, she’d known how hard it would be to make Dash understand with nothing but a letter. This was her fault, at least in part, for not being open about her feelings before Dash left.
But she had to send a letter soon, or Dash wouldn’t get it in time to respond. They needed that dependability; if there was nothing else they could depend on in their relationship, they needed to know those letters would be there. But AJ just didn’t know what to write.
Maybe that’s what she should write. That she didn’t know how to respond, and she needed time to work it out. Would Dash understand that? Would she understand how hurt and angry Applejack was, and maybe take another look at the previous letter and try to figure out what she’d done wrong? Or would she shrug and go on like normal, writing AJ a letter full of exciting things she did and plans she was making for that humiliating photoshoot?
Applejack thought bitterly that she’d lay bits on that last one. And she knew she couldn’t take it. Her heart was hanging by a thread right now, and she just needed something, anything, to make her feel close to Dash again.
It was her day at market again, and she was minding the cart as she considered her options. There were wishes; a run through the Whitetail Woods with Dash, a late night in the orchard, looking at the stars. Those were impossible. There were crazy ideas, like finding out where Dash was performing next and taking a train, surprising her with a visit, but Applejack’s practical mind put a stop to those. Spending all of that time and money when she didn’t even know if Dash would have an hour to spend with her, Applejack just wasn’t the kind of pony to do something like that.
Roseluck ran by to join the gossiping ponies at the flower stalls, but Applejack ignored her and moved a few apples around to make the stacks look neater. A letter was the only answer. And it had to be a letter that would make Rainbow Dash take notice. She’d tried to do it before, but this time she had to get it right. Maybe she’d ask Twilight to help her, or Rarity. Somepony who knew more words for feelings, so that even if Dash had to get out a dictionary to figure it out, she’d understand exactly how Applejack felt.
“Applejack?” a pony asked, cautiously, interrupting her thoughts.
AJ blinked, and found herself face to face with Daisy. “Hey. How are ya’ today?”
Daisy glanced back at the other girls, then smiled nervously at Applejack. “We were wondering if it’s true. . . about you and Rainbow Dash?”
That set Applejack’s thought racing. But she calmed herself enough to ask, “What about me an’ Rainbow Dash?”
“Um, nothing! Nothing at all!” Daisy said, her eyes wide.
At this point, Applejack was thoroughly not in the mood for games of any sort. She narrowed her eyes. “Daisy. . .”
“I mean, it must not be true,” Daisy stammered. “The article. Because I’m sure Rainbow Dash wouldn’t do something like that.”
“Like. What?” Applejack growled.
“Um, well, uh. . .”
Daisy pulled a newspaper out of her saddlebag, and thrust it into Applejack’s hooves, then darted back to the safety of the flower stands before Applejack could blink.
Applejack glanced down at the paper, a well known gossip rag, scanning it until she saw a slightly blurry picture of Rainbow Dash in her uniform, laughing and toasting with a fancy looking gray unicorn stallion. The headline underneath read:
Silver Screen’s Newest Girl
Applewood Playboy Falls for Star Flyer
Her heart stopped for a second as she stared at the paper. Lies. It was lies and she knew it. Papers like this. . .
A tear fell on the page, and Applejack quickly brought a hoof to her eyes and bit her lip, swallowing hard. She could not cry here, in the middle of the street. The girls at the flower stands were staring at her from a very safe distance. Just watching her, like she was a character in a movie. Like she wasn’t real, and Dash wasn’t real, and her heart wasn’t really breaking. That was what ponies did with famous ponies, after all, they watched them while their lives fell apart, and they talked to their friends about it.
The tears were threatening to push through, to make way for the pain that seemed to be trying to burst out of her heart. She couldn’t breathe, she knew she would sob. She had to get someplace safe, and fast. So she tucked the paper under one leg, and used the other three to gallop full speed for the nearest pony she could trust.
A few seconds later she burst through the door of the Carousel Boutique, slamming it behind her.
Rarity appeared in the doorway of the shop room, her eyes full of concern as soon as she saw Applejack. “Darling, what’s wrong?”
That was the last straw. She fell to all four knees as tears came, and she thought they’d never stop. She finally dropped the paper as Rarity rushed to her side and wrapped a leg around her.
“Applejack! Oh dear, what is it?”
Applejack didn’t answer and didn’t particularly want to answer. She heard the rustle of paper as Rarity picked it up in her magic.
“Oh, my! Darling, you know that this isn’t true! Rainbow Dash would never do something like this, and these tabloids are nothing but lies. Don’t fret. I know it’s shocking, but-”
“I-it ain’t that. It ain’t just that. I can’t do it. I can’t date a famous pony, and I can’t make Dash see how I feel, and I need her here but she ain’t here when I need her. It hurts so bad, and I just can’t take it!” Applejack knew she was rambling, she wasn’t sure she’d made any sense, but just saying it lightened the load.
“Shhh, there, there.” Rarity nuzzled her. “You’ve just had a cruel joke played on you. Applejack, dear, Rainbow is your marefriend, and very dear friend, not to mention the element of loyalty. There is absolutely no way that this is true.”
“Don’t matter.” Applejack sniffed, finally feeling like she could control her tears. She wiped her eyes and sighed. “I know it ain’t true. But things are bad, Rarity. Well, things are bad for me, and I tried to tell Dash in my last letter. I just couldn’t make ‘er see it. . . a letter just ain’t enough, but it’s all I got.”
“Perhaps she can come home for a visit?” Rarity suggested.
“Ha,” Applejack gave a bitter laugh, thinking about the last letter from Dash. “She wants to come back in August, and. . .”
“And what?” Rarity prompted, but Applejack wasn’t about to reveal Dash’s crazy idea, in case Rarity thought Applejack had considered it for even a second. Besides, it didn’t matter now.
Applejack took a deep breath and shook her head. “It’s over. It ain’t gonna work. I love her too much, and everythin’ ‘bout this hurts.”
Rarity gasped, eyes wide. “You can’t mean that! Just give it a few days, darling. Things may look bleak right now, but you really ought to clear your head before you make any snap judgements.”
“A few days ain’t gonna matter, Rarity,” Applejack said plainly.” A few letters ain’t gonna do nothin’. Maybe if I’d said somethin’ from the start, if I’d got the right promises. . . but I was a fool. There’s nothin’ for it, I’m gettin’ what a pony gets for bein’ a fool. Only thing I can do now is cut my losses.” As much as her heart was breaking, it was a slight comfort to have a course of action. An empty calm settled over her. The decision was made, and the path was set.
“I have an idea. Why don’t you stay here tonight?” Rarity offered. “I can send Sweetie to tell your family, and I can invite Twilight and Fluttershy and Pinkie. You shouldn’t be alone tonight in this wretched mood.”
“I can’t tonight, Rarity. I got a letter to write,” Applejack said, rubbing her face with her hoof, trying to make sure there was no trace of her breakdown.
“Applejack,” Rarity said sternly. Applejack looked at her. Rarity had dropped all pretenses and looked Applejack squarely in the eye. “This is a very bad idea.”
“Sometimes a bad idea’s all ya’ got left,” Applejack answered, turning and leaving the boutique.
She was in a daze as she made her way back to the apple cart and closed it up. She didn’t look at anypony, she didn’t speak to anypony. She wasn’t in danger of crying. She couldn’t feel anything but cold determination. She knew that was just a wall holding back the river of pain waiting to wash over her, but it was a good strong wall, and it would hold at least until she had done what she needed to do.
That same determination let her put one hoof in front of the other, all the way home. It pushed back any memories, any feelings, good or bad. They didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but getting to her room to write the letter.
At home she unhooked her cart and got it put away, then went upstairs to her room. The paper and pencil was still laid out on her desk where she left it that morning, when she was trying to think of some way to pull Dash back to her. Now Applejack sat down, put the pencil to the paper, and let her go.
Dear Rainbow Dash,
We knew it was a longshot. We knew from the start you’d be leaving, and I’d be staying. But we’re both cocky, stubborn ponies, we thought we’d make it.
We ain’t going to.
I guess I’m going to have to give first. I can’t take it anymore. I’m scared, Dash. I’m scared you changed. You’re a famous pony now, and ponies around here talk about you like you’re a famous pony, and you write letters like you’re a famous pony. And I never wanted to be with a famous pony. I just fell in love with you, my best friend, the strongest, most beautiful mare I could find.
But like I said, you’re famous these days. I talk to other ponies about you more than I talk to you. I talk to them about how sexy you are, and if you started running around with some Applewood star. . . those ain’t things I want to be talking to other ponies about. Those are things between you and me.
I ought to laugh it off like you do, but I can’t. Not while I’m getting letters about how much you liked posing sexy, and how you want me to do that with you. I wonder if you even remember what it’s like, being a normal pony. I wonder if you know how that sounds, to say that to your marefriend.
This is my mistake, sugarcube. I thought I could take it, I thought I could be tough enough. I guess my heart ain’t as tough as the rest of me. I’m sorry for hurting you, and I’m sorry for all that I should have said.
I’m sorry. I guess that’s the long and short of it.
Your friend,
Applejack
And that was it. That was all she had to say. Applejack put the letter in an envelope, and took it to the mailbox, and that was the last she saw it.