//------------------------------// // Footnote // Story: Unnatural Selection // by Karkadinn //------------------------------// Footnote “If anything, it's been a learning experience having the little guy around, ya know? Sure, he gets into trouble sometimes. Sometimes he even argues with me. It's cute. But Spike's never given even the slightest indication that he'd hurt me. For a wild dragon, he's actually unusually subservient.” “Maybe he behaves when you're watching, but who knows what he's getting up when you're not around? Take right now, for example. You think he's locked up harmlessly in your room. But he could get out a window or even a vent if he really tried. And he has access to your food, your spellbooks, your money....” Twilight sighed and shook her head, levitating her baby mice latte for another sip. It wasn't like her BBBFF to be so paranoid. Of course, it wasn't like her to keep live food around for extended periods, either. Unusual circumstances bred unusual reactions, she supposed. “Well, he's certainly had plenty of chances. If he wanted to do something bad, he would've by now. If anything he seems to have his heart set on getting along with ponies. I only brought him up because he just sprung this thing on me about wanting to go on a field trip to examine the possibility of digestive irregularities in a sampling of ponies throughout the region.” “He wants to do field research with you.” “Yeah, isn't it great?!” “More like suspicious, if you ask me. Has he ever shown any interest in your studies before?” Twilight scowled as if she could frown away her brother's frustrating cynicism. He looked back levelly, his serious expression rather messed up by how he absentmindedly scratched his jaw stubble. “Well, no, but maybe he's just starting to get into the swing of things now that we've been through all this craziness together! And he does seem to like being useful.” She smiled, thinking back over the times he'd found the right book for her or marked her place with a bookmark or neatly erased a smudge of ink. He even dusted all those little spots she couldn't bother to remember even existed, like beneath the bed. She was really gonna feel kinda lonely once it finally came around time to eat the little guy. “This isn't like you, Shiny. Since when are you all intimidated by a little scaly morsel we could eat up in a couple bites? I remember that time when I was six and a full-grown griffin came at you, and you just cut his wings and claws off and had barbecue that night.” Oh, how the critter had squawked. Really, the noise level was the only thing she didn't like about fresh home cooking. “Eh. I'm just worried about my little sis, I guess,” he admitted abashedly, smiling a little. “You've had your head in one book or other most of your life-” “Hey!” “-it's true, you know it! But I could always protect you in case anything bad happened. Just in case. And now you've got this baby dragon around, and the thing about baby dragons is that they grow up into big violent fire-breathing dragons. I know you've probably learned a lot about them from books, but it's not the same as being around the real thing. You picked him up off the street. He's wild and he's got a troubled past from what Cad – ummm, Princess Cadence tells me, eheh. How do you know his wild dragon instincts won't come to the fore sometime?” “I don't, really,” she confessed. “But remember what you said on our first hunt together? 'You've gotta take risks to get the kill.' Well, I also hunt something almost as delicious as meat: knowledge!” Her enthusiasm dulled down as soon as it had sparked, though. “And... and I was wondering if... maybe my thesis wouldn't go better if I had an outsider's viewpoint, you know?” “Twilight,” Shining Armor started, his tone worn down with the weariness of a long-repeated and long-lost argument. “I know, I know,” she interrupted, heading him off before he got started. “Alicorn biology's just different, and there's probably nothing I can learn that would be applicable to curing the Princess's illness. But still... either way, it's knowledge gained. Besides, she keeps telling me to stop reading those dusty old cookbooks and experience things outside of theoretical research. This is as good a chance to do that as any, even if Spike's only suggesting it because he wants to turn us all vegetarian.” She snickered behind a hoof. “Seriously?” “Yeah, seriously.” “Are you sure he's not brain-damaged?” Shiny asked sincerely, tapping a hoof to his head. “Or, I dunno, rabid or something? He could be carrying all kinds of diseases.” “Hellooooo, it's me, remember? Your OCD sister? I had him checked out by a vet and got him shots and everything. I had to threaten to eat his tail a little to get him to stop crying, but it worked out.” She frowned, feeling a growing unease deep inside that she was unable to place a name to. “He kept crying for a ruby lollipop at first, especially when they broke out the big diamond-tipped needles after the regular ones broke on his scales, but....” The feeling turned to near-pain as her stomach clenched on itself and growled so loudly that the ponies at nearby tables glanced over at her briefly. “Augh! I'm starving, I can't even think straight! Waiter, waiter, I know I said I didn't want anything to eat earlier, but can I get twenty-four grass snake fries? Yes, exactly twenty-four, why? Fine, I'll pay a full two servings price for one and a half servings, just get a move on already!” Whining lowly in her throat, she slumped her head against the table and clutched her temples in her hooves. Why was life so HARD? “Alright, I guess you've got things under control then,” her brother said dryly, sipping up the last of his drink. “It still doesn't feel right to me, but I guess my little sister had to grow up sometime.” “I grew up a long time ago, thank you very much. Hmph.” “How's Mister Smarty Pants doing?” “Grrrr. I haven't even slept with him in – I mean, um... you just hush! Anyway, if it'll make you feel better, I'll grill him about it more and make sure he's not concealing any hidden pony-hating ulterior motives, okay? But I'm sure it'll just be a little tour of the countryside and stopping to meet some interesting research subjeehhh I mean ponies, hahah. Nothing to worry about.” “Thanks, Twi. Just remember to look at the road when you're walking and not a book, okay?” “Yeah, yeah. And you remember not to overpolish your armor, you know how easy it is for prey to slip out of that choke hold when you're all slippery.” The rest of the conversation, what little of it there was between snake fry mouthfuls, was taken up by more obligatory sibling bashing followed by jocular but non-sarcastic expressions of sibling affection followed, in due course, by more sibling bashing. Even so, it wasn't even time for lunch yet by the time they parted ways and Twilight trotted back to her now-very-familiar hotel room, to find Spike smiling and looking very still and innocent. It was a pose he struck whenever he'd just managed to stop doing something he shouldn't've been doing a split second before she saw it. She opened her mouth, to chide, to inquire, to make him feel like the baby he was and yet somehow still needed to be reminded he was. Then she closed it again. Pestering him forever wouldn't make him mend his ways any quicker, and he couldn't have been doing anything too dreadful – the room was still completely in order, neater than she'd left it, even. He was probably just planning escape routes again. Ever since their adventure together against Discord, she'd been more mindful of how unique he was, as far as prey went. It would be almost an insult to treat him like a cheap daisy sandwich when he was closer to caviare. And his face brightened up so much when she trusted him with the smallest things, made the littlest gestures, even though he tried to hide it so much. It almost made her able to forget the constant, intoxicating smell of dragon that had long since saturated her living quarters. Like waking up to fresh-fried bacon every day and never being able to eat it. So delicious and so maddening. He kicked a coaster over beneath her jaw, and the soft clunk noise that made was what snapped her back, blushing and wiping the long ribbon of drool off her face. “Hey, Spike! I'm back,” she said like the most cheerful idiot ever, purely for the sake of saying something. “I can see that.” He put on a mock-offended pose, looking very mature, and then messed it up by flopping on the bed lazily, bouncing almost as high as he was tall. “You have fun with your bro?” “As if I could have anything but fun around my BBBFF. Listen, Spike, I've been giving it some thinking... and your field trip idea actually sounds workable to me.” He jumped up, his face puppylike in unrestrained joy. “Really? You mean it? I'll behave, I promise, I won't do anything you don't tell me to do!” “Hold on, I'm not finished yet,” she cautioned him, wagging a hoof. “Why did you want to stick to Ponyville? We'd get a much bigger sample size from a metropolis like Fillydelphia or Manehattan.” “Oh, well, ya see, I just thought of some ponies who might be good for... for studying, you know?” He was such an adorably bad liar, smiling so awkwardly, alternating between being too stiff and too flaily. She could practically see his mental gears spinning away till they finally got some traction going. “It's a pretty small town, but it's got a good cross-thingy... cross-piece? Cross-section, that's it! It's got a good cross-section of city ponies and farm ponies and in between ponies. And it'd be way easier to navigate and less expensive than one of those big cities,” he finished with a satisfied nod. “Manehattan hotel prices are ridiculous,” she agreed to lull him into relaxing before she hit him with the real response. “But that doesn't explain why you want to go on a trip and start having nightmares again in the very place you caused so much trouble in before! I'm not mad,” she comforted him after seeing him start to visibly panic, “I just want a real explanation. Do you have a bunch of caches of stuff stored over there or something? Or do you want to visit somepony and apologize for hurting them? And before you answer,” she went o/n after he started shuffling nervously, “we both know you're smarter than most livestock, even if getting a proper pony schooling has something to do with that. You ought to know how important honesty is in communication by now.” Spike paused, eyes widening as though she'd said something momentous. “Yeah... honesty is important, isn't it?” He began to grin for reasons she couldn't begin to understand. “Just like being kind....” “Well, yeah, I guess.” “And loyal.” “Err, sure?” She raised an eyebrow inquiringly. He was clearly going somewhere with this but she had no clue where. “And... uh, magical...” “What,” she said flatly. “Okay, just hear me out on this one, Twi,” he said hastily, holding up both hands. Uh oh. It was never a good thing when he said that. “So, remember back when Discord gave us his riddle....” Argh, she knew it. This had something to do with his obsession with turning ponies into vegetarians, didn't it? He didn't care about her research at all! “And he said stuff about imps in pony bellies? Well, what if they were real imps?” An interesting but completely ridiculous theory, grasping at straws. She was so mad at him she could just, just gobble him right up! “And I think I've got the answer, too!” he jabbered on desperately, quickening his pace as her scowl deepened. “He showed me like an illusion kinda thing about six ponies I know, and remember when the Princesses got rid of Discord the first time, it was with six Elements...” “How does that even answer his riddle?! It was about the finest dish in Canterlot, Spike!” she snapped, losing her patience. Honestly, she'd taught him better than this. Maybe there was only so much you could do to smarten up a non-pony. “Don't you see?! It's because the Elements have to have ponies to bear them, and the magic probably makes them taste delicious, so the answer's you! You're the Bearer of the Element of Magic, Twilight!” She almost banged her own horn with how fast she put a hoof to her temple, grimacing. “Spike, you're being silly. If I was the Bearer of anything, I'm sure the Princess would've told me by now!” “But you're the most powerful unicorn in Canterlot!” “We don't know that for sure, I'm not that good at magic. Besides, I kind of have an advantage with the Princess tutoring me and all. Spike, you're so wrapped up in your obsession that you haven't even thought things through. How do you know Discord showed you a vision of the ponies that could beat him? I mean, isn't that an awfully big coincidence, that you already knew them in the first place? Your memories probably subconsciously suggested them when he hypnotized you or whatever it was he did! Doesn't that make a lot more sense?” “But I saw one of them! I saw an imp! And I know those ponies, so I know they really do fit the theme! If you go see Fluttershy you'll see, she's the most ridiculously kind pony you've ever met. I swear! And then you can examine her for the imp, and we can use magic friendship stuff to cure her!” Twilight frowned, watching him twiddle clawed thumbs as he waited for her judgment. He wasn't lying, she didn't think, but he clearly had so much riding on this that he couldn't see it any other way. Well. Scientifically verifiable avenues first, guesstimates on the relevance of friendship and/or Discord after. “You say you saw an imp?” she queried carefully, trying not to sound either skeptical or believing. “You're sure you weren't just imagining it?” “I'm sure! It was like a mouth on the other side of Fluttershy's stomach, pushing out against the skin! Please just give it a chance, you don't have to believe me but give it a chance, I swear I won't let you down. Think about it Twilight, who knows what could happen if we got the Bearer of Element of Magic in the same room as one of the other pony Bearers? Even if you don't care about the meat-eating thing like I do, don't you care about there maybe being an evil magic parasite lurking around in pony tummies?! It could carry all kinds of diseases, I mean it's probably why your Princess coughs up all that gross blood and worms in the first place!” Twilight blinked, suddenly flooded with self-righteous anger. She counted mentally from five down to one and breathed out. No, she was not going to get sucked into this vendetta he had against the Princess. She was going to remain the mature, detached, rational authority figure, just like the Princess had taught her. “Spike, you don't have to exaggerate the symptoms of her illness to try and guilt me into doing this,” she said stiffly. “She doesn't cough up worms, that's just disgusting. As for the hemoptysis and bouts of fatigue accompanying strenuous physical or magical exertion, there are a million different possible causes... particularly since we have almost zero documentation on alicorn physiology! I keep telling her to get a proper physical, but noooo, she doesn't want to bother the doctors even though that's what they're there for.” “But it could be from a nasty magic parasite messing up her insides... right?” She pulled up a chair and sat, thoroughly engaged in analyzing the problem, if only to debunk it. “Be logical, Spike.” He scowled cutely, as if he'd thought he was being logical instead of just the silly baby he was. “If everypony has an imp, why is the Princess the only one to show those specific symptoms?” “Maybe 'cause she's been alive for like a jillion years and her imp's really old and feisty?” Hmm. That... actually wasn't a bad explanation. “Alright, I'll give you that,' she admitted grudgingly. “It's not impossible I guess. I mean, you should see what a tapeworm looks like after ten years of gorging on... err, anyway,” she changed tracks after seeing his little delicious dragon face get nauseous, “it's still very improbable. Even if it were true, we don't know anything about these so-called Elements of Harmony except that the Princess needed their help defeating Discord the first time. We don't know how to use them or even make them materialize, and ponies, if they do have such a thing as imps, seem to get along with them just fine. Rocking the biological boat could have side effects we can't predict... we could hurt ponies without meaning to by trying to 'cure' them of something their bodies have long since adapted to!” “But, but what if curing them could really help their quality of life? I mean, you could apply that same thing you just said to, I dunno, horseshoes or somethin'! I bet the first pony who got nails in his hoof was really iffy about it, but it worked out!” Twilight hmmed noncommittally, looking over her emergency food supply for any signs that he wasn't on the up and up. All she saw was how much he wanted this, in that transparently trying-to-be-reasonable-and-failing-badly way that a foul might express when discussing the logistics of extra 'grocery' purchases after passing by a candy store window. But what he wanted was... something unnatural. Something foreign to her very way of thinking. She tried to wrap her mind around it, tried to visualize eating grass and only grass forever, and she shuddered from the wave of nausea that accompanied the mental picture. Still, as an academic researcher, she couldn't let her mere feelings on the matter allow her to reject the idea for potential medical progression. It was risky, but... well, she'd just have to be careful. And if it didn't turn out well – as was almost certain to be the case – then she could at least verify that the theory was wrong, and turn her thesis research to other areas. Chaos magic in particular was apparently almost unlimited in the ways in which it could manifest, after all. “Alright-” “WOOHOO!” “We'll talk to one or two of the ponies on your list and see how it goes,” she sound firmly, trying not to grin at how he capered about on his stubby little legs that would've been just perfect pan-seared with a dark brown sugar glaze. “That is, if I can get the Princess to agree on a week or so off for the field research.” Spike's spikes almost seemed to droop with his expression. “Aww... but that's not fair... I mean, c'monnnnn....” “Did you really think I was going to just bail on my studies without telling the Princess just because you asked me to?” she asked incredulously, huffing. “Well. No. I guess not.” She really wished she could figure out what had happened in that conversation the two of them had had to make Spike dislike the Princess so much. Oh well, he'd come around eventually, or he'd make a great few cuts of steak, whichever. “I'll bring it up at our next lesson. And if she says no, no sulking, mister!” “Yeah yeah.” He was unusually obedient through the afternoon and evening, most likely trying to keep himself in her good graces, as if that would help. Fetching things just before she asked for them, cleaning up after his own messes without needing to be told to do so, never a sour look or sassy mutter. Yet Twilight found herself too distracted to really focus her mind. Oh, she got a good half an essay with all due footnotes banged out, and finished up some light theoretical analysis of the dynamic interactions between necromantic quarks and post-mortem extispicy, but she could tell it wasn't her best work. Her heart wasn't in it, and everything was taking just a little longer than it should. Still, she kept to her schedule, certain that she would beat her funk with sheer organizational prowess. And so at the end of the day, she was left with that odd empty feeling in her stomach even though she'd had seconds for supper plus a late night snack. Spike reminded her that she had a 'thing' tomorrow morning, but didn't nag at her to go to bed before she wanted to, which was a break from their routine. Didn't stop him from tucking himself in, though. Eventually, as Twilight realized that her eyes were just gliding over words like skaters over ice without letting them sink into her brain, she sighed and closed her book. No sense in working herself into exhaustion, tomorrow she could get a fresh start with a well-rested and level head. She pictured how the Princess would laugh at Spike's completely ridiculous ideas. Really, this was not about Spike, but about the student, Twilight knew. She was trusted to keep potentially dangerous prey around and prove that she could handle the responsibility. And she would. This wouldn't be like that... that other time, with the Princess's kind, loving, POLITE look of muted disappointment eating its way into her soul like she'd just bitten into a chocolate square that had the wrong filling, but only just a little wrong. Twilight crawled into bed and didn't even take a book with her for late night joy reading. She just stared up at the ceiling, waiting to sleep. And this was, as always, the hardest part. Spike's smell filled her nose and the back of her mouth, the little whistles of his breathing and lip smacks grated on her ears like piano keys banged into by boulders. She even imagined, sometimes, she could feel the heat of his tasty little morsel of a body radiating across the room towards her. It was like sleeping in Donut Joe's, with ferret-stuffed eclairs and black-pudding smeared donuts fresh from the oven every hour on the hour. It was immature of her to have such poor control of herself that she had to lick the saliva from her lips almost every night. She was too big to behave in such a way. Still, she never got used to just the presence of him, there and waiting to be eaten but uneaten. Little jerk wasn't even that grateful for her not eating him, either! This was wrong, so why did her heart tug at her like it was exactly right? Giving in to him like this. Feeding his, what do you call it, his delusion, his.... Madness. The best thing to do would be to ground him firmly in reality. He abided by her routines, but didn't enjoy them. No longer fought back so much but certainly would fight if put into a corner. Didn't appear to lie, but clearly still kept things from her. He was in pony society, but as distinct and separate from it as the loaf of quail eye-speckled scrapple she had in the mini-icebox. He couldn't just accept his place in the world. Always fighting, always trying to find an angle, an edge, a reason to believe that.... A sharp pain bit into her stomach, and she winced, rolling over onto it instead of giving in and getting a late night snack. She wasn't a total slave to her appetites, after all. And as she turned, out of the corner of an eye, she caught the telltale moist gleam of Spike's eyes peering at her with an intensity that would have done any straitjacketed madpony proud. A little alarmed but not really sure why, she jerked her head over sharply, glaring at him as he immediately shut his eyes so fast that she almost believed she'd just imagined it. “Spike. Spike,” she said again, with clearer warning in her tone, as he kept faking. The second word got him to look over at her again, looking as awkwardly nervous as she felt. Twilight was overwhelmed with the irrational feeling that they were two enemies staring at each other over an invisible battle line, waiting for the charge. “You should be sleeping. Why were you looking at me?” “No reason. M'sorry.” She held his gaze, feeling oddly lightheaded, and couldn't scry a thing from it. He was unknowable, alien, animal. A baby, but for all that.... He had been looking at her stomach. “Okay then. G'night, Spike.” “Nite.” So they both closed their eyes and both pretended to be sleeping. It was so very obvious from the way he breathed, and she suspected she was being just as obvious about it with how she breathed, and neither one wanted to be the one to start a weird conversation again. Imps. Discord. Food. Groundbreaking research. Mysterious artifacts of harmony. Alicorn-specific ailments. It was all too deep for a little baby to handle in anything but the most superficial ways, and too much for her, she knew, if even a sliver of what he guessed at so randomly was true. Still, that was the frightful excitement of it. She hoped he got to sleep sooner than she thought he did. He'd need it. After all, if they did end up going to Ponyville, the nightmares would come back. And she wouldn't enjoy being woken up by screams and whimpers much, either. Psychologically unstable. Not good signs, but maybe understandable. He'd risked a lot to come as far as he had, and risked a lot for ponies... and ended up just a footnote in history, a tool of a tool of the Princess, and unlike Twilight Sparkle, he had no reason to appreciate that. She wasn't sure what could be done about it, but it didn't... it didn't seem right somehow.... Ow, stomach cramp, stomach cramp! She refused to give in and grab the delicious shrew pretzel rounds on top of the mini-icebox. Absolutely no way was she getting out of bed now. Still, just plain failing to give in to hunger left her so distracted that she couldn't think about anything else. It was a relief when her brain finally finished shutting down for the night. She made up for it at breakfast, though, while Spike stared with the unabashed disgust only the very young are capable of displaying. Two days later, she brought up the idea to the Princess, in as lighthearted and 'oh, by the way' a tone as she could manage. The Princess seemed to think it was fine, though! With some stipulations, of course, but nothing worth even a blink over. She even thought it would be fun! “Out in the fresh air, a little light travel, meeting new ponies and possibly even learning new exciting things about the world... oh, I almost wish I could go with you, Twilight Sparkle,” the Princess had murmured lightly, smiling the smile of a monarch who always was surrounded with just a little bit more decorum than she cared for. She'd even given Twilight leave to continue the field trip for as long as it seemed necessary for the good of science, a degree of leeway that Twilight burst from proud from being granted. That didn't alter the planned timetable, though. Two weeks was reasonable, more than reasonable. If there wasn't any visible progress after that, they'd call it quits. Twilight almost brought up the thing about Spike lying so much with regards to the Princess specifically, the words were in her mouth, but she shut it without speaking them, leaving the Princess with an inquisitive look and a raised eyebrow. Princess Celestia wasn't one to be pushy, though, and it was just too awkward to get into. Maybe Spike had a problem with authority figures? But of course, any prey could be forgiven for manifesting unusual signs of stress around the ruler of all ponies everywhere, too. Maybe that was all it was. She had to admit to herself that, even with all she'd seen of his passion for the idea, she had still underestimated Spike's enthusiasm for the whole thing. He got packed in exactly five minutes flat – she counted! Okay, maybe he'd packed a few of the wrong things and hadn't folded everything right and had zipped up the saddlebags sloppily, but still, it was impressive. A few more minutes sorting things out and tidying up and they were pretty much ready to go. It was a little overwhelming. Her first hoof was out the door when her stomach gurgled. “Okay, we are so hitting a bunny head kebob stand on the way out.” “Eww.” “Hush, ingrate,” she said fondly, bopping his head with a hoof as she lifted him up onto her back. “Why are you talking to your food?” a passing noblepony asked bewilderedly, her jangly gold-strung pearl earrings tinkling like wind chimes as she bobbed her head in a series of bewildered expressions. Oh. Huh, how weird. Why was she talking to her food? “Just a habit, I guess,” she admitted with a grin and a blush, walking on as the noblepony rolled her eyes and stuck her nose in the air. “Beats talking to these snooty ponies, I bet,” Spike put in lowly and close to her ear, smirking. “Now, Spike, don't judge ponies just because they're a little... put off... by my, uh... eccentricities.” “It's called friendship. Give in. You know you want to. Let the harmony flow through you like molten caramel!” “Argh, don't talk like that when I'm hungry,” she whined, prancing briefly back and forth between right and left hooves. “Anyway, I've been meaning to ask,” she shifted to a serious tone as they headed out to the street, “are you bothered by how other ponies think of you?” Spike stared back with such silent but obvious insolence that she felt an immediate, childish impulse to smack him. Okay, communication error, that one was her fault. “I mean, the fact that you're still just grocery store bologna when you've done pretty much everything a prey species could be expected to do to stand out. In good and bad ways,” she clarified carefully. “Eh, it's not any more shocking than it was the first few million times,” he replied, shrugging off the implications flippantly. “Oh look, perfectly nice dragon, MUST EAT HIM. Oh look, that dragon saved my life, MUST EAT HIM. Oh look, that dragon is holding my prize-winning dish hostage, MUST EAT HIM.” “And now you've helped save Equestria. Sort of.” “Sort of, nothing! It was all me, baby. Okay, and the Princess. And you.” “And still....” “MUST EAT HIM, RAAAWR!” Spike shouted, capering on her back with claws outstretched and mouth open mock-ferociously. She laughed and everypony on the block stared at them like they were lunatics. Which was starting to see more likely the more she hung out with him. Her desire for a filling lunch interrupted the humor, though, and she broke into a steadier trot towards the nearest halfway decent food stand. “So you're fine with it?” she went on, pushing the point to be absolutely sure. “You're not doing this so you won't be relegated to, I dunno, a footnote in history or something?” “Food doesn't even get footnotes,” he said grimly, but with a tiny smile that she wasn't sure she liked. “Except in books about food, anyway. That reminds me, I don't care how good it is for my vocabulary, you are never making me read a cookbook again.” “But-” “NEVER.” “Fine, sheesh, mister delicate. So this isn't about you wanting to be famous, is it?” “Nah. This isn't even about me at all, ya know?” Something about his eyes made her uncomfortable – to say nothing of how juicy they looked – and she was forced to turn her head back under the excuse of needing to watch the road. “This is about you. All of you. So I'm the one bugging you to do it, but if it wasn't me, somedragon should've. Or griffon, or minotaur, I dunno.” “It's just research, Spike,” she reminded him. “It's not necessarily going to change the world.” “Look at the objective scientist, ruling things out before we even started the experiment, heh.” “I just don't want you to get your hopes up.” And why was that, exactly? Could it be that she didn't like the idea of him- Augh stomach cramp stomach craaaaammmmp. Never mind the good food stands, she'd take the trashy one in an emergency like this. “You! Hotdog! Every kind of meat topping! Now!” She slammed a hoof on the cart desperately, causing chili and onions and pickles to slosh precariously. “Errr, okayyyyy,” the intimidated hot dog stand pony said, obediently building a hotdog towering unevenly with toppings with commendable speed. “That'll be two... bits....” he finished slowly as she ate the entire thing in two bits. “You know, you could've just ate the dragon. I hear them's good eatin' with sweet mustard.” “Hsh fo' mgnshish onee,” she mumbled distractedly through the too-big mouthful of food, counting out the bits. “I'm for emergencies only,” Spike translated arrogantly, preening his scales. They continued their journey, Twilight huffing and a little embarrassed as the saddlebags, not to mention the baby dragon, started to weigh her down. Too much junk food binging and reading, too little exercise. Well, that was why this was so good for her. She'd learn to like it. Or at least not hate it so much. Any second now. Mmmhmm. This would be so much more fun if she were doing it in a jungle. With a pith helmet. Wait, didn't she own one of those? “Spike, do I have a pith helmet?” “It's in your closet behind the wind calibration thingy.” “That's what I thought! Can't believe I didn't think to pack it...” “We're going to Ponyville, not launching on an epic safari with lions and stuff!” “But we might need it!” “For what?” “I don't know, something!” She sighed and gave up. No sense in turning back now or she'd go totally off the itinerary. Speaking of which.... “Okay, this is the last post box before we get into the outskirts, let me just write this real quick and then we'll be all free of distractions from the healthy yet mildly annoying activity of walking.” “What's that?” he asked, trying to read over her shoulder as she brought quill to ink and thence to parchment. “It's rude to read over ponies' shoulders, Spike. Besides, this is a private correspondence to the Princess.” “Oh. Sorry.” Scritchity scratchity scritch.... “...can't you write any faster?” “Argh, you made me blot a comma, now I have to start all over again!” “Oh come on!” “I am not sending the Princess a letter with a blotted comma! Punctuation is the very foundation of civilized society, Spike!” “Whatever.” Scritchity scritch-scratch scratchity scritch. “All done!” she said happily, signing her name with a flourish. “Finally.” “Oh, wait.” She scribbled one last footnote, silently chiding herself for forgetting the most important part of the letter in the excitement of the moment. “There, now all done.” A quick heat wave spell dried the ink out (good old reliable number twenty-two), rolled the scroll up, sealed it, addressed it and placed it in the bin delicately. Oh, relying on the postal service was such a dreadful nuisance. She wished she could figure out a better way to do these things, some sort of magical wormhole to allow her to send things straight to the Princess. What a nice fantasy that was. Oh well. That final task taken care of, they stepped up to a brisker pace on their not-so-epic journey, Twilight all the while wishing that Discord hadn't turned the balloon the Princess had given her into a weasel-gnawed heap of refuse. Spike seemed to have no complaints, though, and even had a bit more fun than he should've, sticking his tongue out at ponies and making faces. And then, of course, always snapping back to an 'innocent' well-behaved expression as soon as she glanced back at him. Oh, wild animals, you could never really tame them, just get them to behave... for a little while.... Twenty minutes into it, she noticed him tensing and fidgeting a lot more than even such childish antics would require. “Hey, you okay back there?” “Yeah, I'm fine,” he said unusually shortly. She glanced back and saw him eyeballing the horizon and everything else around. “Looking for anything?” she prodded. “No. Not really. It's just... I'm waiting for something to go wrong.” “Huh? We're just on a walk, Spike, relax!” “You don't understand. Something always goes wrong. Every time I try to do something. If it doesn't go wrong now, it goes wrong later. So I kinda just want it to get it over with.” He smirked at her, his face seeming older than it should be. “Don't be superstitious, Spike. We'll have to educate that out of you. Everything will be fine, I promise.” He flopped against the back of her neck suddenly, causing her to squeak. “I really like it when you lie like that, it's awesome,” the little dragon told her almost lovingly. She groaned exasperatedly and hung her head, bangs flopping down over her eyes, before straightening up again and settling into her workpony's pace anew. They didn't talk much for the hour after that, because she didn't really know what to say. And, after all, you weren't obligated to talk to your food. In fact, you were weird if you did. So she had no reason to feel bad about being normal. And hungry. So hungry. Dear Princess Celestia, We are embarking on Field Research Expedition #1 and should be out of the city limits by noon today. Anticipating arrival in Ponyville by tomorrow morning at latest. I still think this is all a big wild goose chase, but even geese are pretty tasty once you catch them, so who knows how it'll turn out? Will itemize all expenditures so you can trust me to be as economically responsible as Castle treasurer Tight Twobits! I don't want to waste your time, so I'll only report in if the research makes significant progress. Failing that, I'll be back at the scheduled time and we can cross this one out of our harebrained ideas backlog. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle P.S. And I will definitely keep an eye out for these 'Elements of Harmony' or any unusual magical phenomena related to their so-called 'Bearers,' and make sure to keep them safe for you just like you asked.