//------------------------------// // Contemplating a Sandwich // Story: The Life and Times of Love and Harmony // by TheManWithTwoNames //------------------------------// While my brother possesses a list of faults and weaknesses long enough to reach the dark side of the moon, to his credit he excels at the few skills he has. He was a master yoga guru, having invented the practice as an excuse to get ponies into tight-fitting pants. He was a connoisseur of fine wine and often amazed entire rooms of stuffy nobles with his ability to appraise every last drop of a bottle in under a minute. And, quite by mistake after a series of unlikely events under improbable circumstances, he discovered that he was a naturally gifted bowler. But out of the handful of skills in Love’s utility belt, the one that best served him time and again was his ability to make me laugh and laugh and laugh without even trying. I thought I was going to bust a gut watching the pandemonium he caused just being his natural self, charming his way through the streets of Canterlot toward the palace. The looks on those ponies’ faces when they saw a new alicorn roaming the streets was rich enough. But their reactions when they saw how Cadence acted? Someone their little brains were pre-programmed to associate with their perfect princesses? I think I saw someone actually drop their monocle into their drink. And even after all that, just when I was half-expecting to crack my statue in half from laughing so hard, Love wasn’t finished yet. For the grand finale, he marched straight into the throne room of the palace for his usual method of integrating himself among a kingdom’s hierarchy. “Thanks for keeping my seat warm for me,” Cadence said sweetly enough to make a cripple offer up their wheelchair. Princess Celestia, the great fuddy-duddy to end all fuddy-duddies, the tree in the primordial ooze from which all sticks-in-the-mud are cut from, the wet blanket that the seas and oceans were squeezed from, the old fogy to rule them all, the Great Peacock of Canterlot, had a mind resilient to change. New information meant just another thing she had to keep her eye on, and each dawn she brought came with the dread of the inevitable disruptions to her precious order. Everything was just so, and everything had its place, and no matter how crazy the world might become there were some things that were inarguable and unchangeable facts. When an alicorn that should not have existed entered the room, poor Sunbun’s brain nearly broke. I almost died. Luna, perhaps owing to her more unrefined intellect, was more receptive to surprises. And in rare occasions like this when her older sister was not speaking, the Princess of the Night pounced on the opportunity to speak. Well, I say “speak,” it’s more like a hurricane imitating a thunderclap. “What manner of trickery be this?” Perhaps it was out of excitement, desperation for attention, or maybe she was autistic. Whatever the reason, Luna never mastered the art of the inside voice. “Can you repeat the question?” Cadence grunted, rubbing a hoof in her ear, “I couldn’t hear you over this really annoying noise.” “A proud horn brandished like a spear, and the grand wings of a seraph adorn thy frame. But thou cannot be of true royal blood! Explain thyself at once, queer alicorn!” You have to understand, she was from a different time. “Ow, there it is again. I’m in the same room, I can hear you fine.” The sound of Luna taking command was enough to call Celestia back to reality. She raised a wing to quiet her sister and turned to the pink alicorn with contemptuous suspicion. “The only other alicorns in existence were murdered centuries ago by a mad beast,” Celestia spoke gravely. “This disguise does not fool me. You are no alicorn. Reveal yourself, trickster.” “You’re right,” Cadence answered. Hearing the phrase did not bring the princess the usual satisfaction. “I am not a real alicorn. Or even a real pony.” Celestia’s stolid expression belied the confusion and fear swirling within her. With every step the imposter took, the air crushed down on her. It was impossible to rise from her throne. Her magic was pulled away and sucked toward the pink creature like a black hole when she attempted to ready a spell. Even her mouth betrayed her. She could only think of one time she had ever felt so powerless in her own throne room. And then it dawned on her. “What... are... you?” she managed to grunt through clenched teeth. “I am a flesh vessel for an immortal being whose true form, if you saw it, would make you lose your mind.” Cadence’s voice was calm and terrible. “Spi...rit.” “I am. I know you are familiar with us. But let me introduce myself to you both.” She was mere steps away from the sisters now. “I have many names. I am The Spirit of Love. I am the blind archer who rules the hearts of mortals. I am life’s greatest joy and deepest pain. I am the pursuit that drives all things.” Cadence let her mouth graze Celestia’s ear. “And I am just screwing with you.” A pink hoof streaked across both sister’s cheeks with a loud slap and the world went fuzzy. Tossing her hair back, Cadence took heavy consideration on her next move. She could tell the alicorns anything at this point and they would believe it, sure. But that meant she had to choose wisely. She could tell the sisters she was her mother, but then that would surely come with endless jokes about her age. Just because she was a spirit from before recorded history didn’t mean she wanted to hear about it. On the other hand, milfs were the big thing this season. The only real problem was that being their mother would make her a queen, and that would probably mean she would have to do work. Being a sister could always be an option, but that would mean she would be seen as equal to Celestia and Luna. Plus, there would be all the drama of Luna sneaking into her room to take her clothes. And just thinking about how they would always get mad when she stole their boyfriends, ugh, it wouldn’t be worth it. What she needed was to be in a position of authority over the commoners, but with no actual royal responsibilities. Celestia and Luna could pretend to be superior, just as long as they never felt bold enough to order her around. “Bingo bango bongo! Cadence, you are one sharp cookie. Like a cracker. Or a stale eclair. I think those are smart things.” She would get back to that matter later. But for now, it was time for a family reunion. Ugh, is that the best quip I could come up with? I need some fresh air, all this granite is clogging my brain. “Auntie Celestia, Auntie Luna, it’s time to wake up~” she sang, gently shaking the two alicorns from their trance. Celestia rubbed her eyes to wipe away the pink haze, her vision still blurry. “Who... are you?” “Auntie, you’re such a big silly!” Cadence giggled. “I’m your niece! It’s me, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza L'amante Supremi Ed Il Bevitore Di Succo Di Gatto Il Governatore Che Non Rovina Mai Tutto La Luce Che Eclissa Il Sole E La Bellezza Che Oscura La Notte!” She had added a few extra titles to her name for the special occasion. Celestia nearly slapped herself for being so foolish. She hoped she wasn’t going senile in her age. “Cadence, of course! How could I have forgotten my favorite niece? How are you, dear?” “I’m just fine, auntie. It was so nice of you to let me stay here in Canterlot.” Luna blinked one eye and then the other, a few minutes behind her sister as per usual. “I beg thee hold... Whose niece are you?” Cadence paused. “Both of yours?” The answer was enough to satisfy the new aunts. With warm smiles and happy feelings all around, the three joined together in a family group hug. It was enough to make a Spirit of Chaos gag. But of course, I’m the only one in this family with any sense—the good kind, I mean. As if to prove my point, Sister Harmony breezed into the room through an open window just in time to witness the sappy hug. She smiled at the sight (if you can believe it) and flew a lap across the length of the room before perching on the bird swing beside Celestia’s throne. After the hug mercifully ended, the royal turkeys squatted back on their thrones and called for a few servants to prepare living arrangements for their long-term guest. While Celestia micromanaged the staff on every detail of a room she would likely never see, Harmony and Love took the opportunity to have a private conversation. ‘I told you I could do it,’ Love beamed the message into his sister’s mind. ‘I’m so proud of you, Brother!’ Harmony cheered. ‘I promise that this is going to be the start of a better life for you. In a few days when you’ve gotten familiar with the castle and Canterlot and your room is all sorted, I can help you to see how wonderful ponykind is and how precious they all are. And the best part is that we can see each other every day if we like! We can actually be like a real family! One that doesn’t argue and try to destroy the world all the time! And there’s so much to do and see in Canterlot and I know you’re just going to love it!’ It’s a mystery to even me how she was able to run out of breath over a telepathic message. Even if Love had stopped listening to her so he could focus on ensuring his bed meet his standards, Harmony still felt proud of her brother. She had been worried at first when he insisted on speaking to Celestia and Luna alone, but she was glad to see her fears were misplaced. This was a milestone achievement for Love: he had promised to explain how he had come to Canterlot to help ponies in whatever way he could and earn the princesses’ trust with his sincerity, and he did it. Harmony couldn’t help but let out a bright tweet of joy. Love was learning that brainwashing wasn’t the solution to all his problems. The next few days passed in delightful peace for Harmony. She accompanied Love everywhere he went to help him familiarize himself with the lay of the land and showing him some of her favorite spots in the castle and in the city. I like to think the best of my sister and imagine that she did this to cunningly prevent Love from ever blowing off a lesson date by saying he got lost along the way. To say that Harmony was excited to begin her lessons would be an understatement. She spent every waking hour devising new lessons and new ideas to demonstrate each point, considering every possible angle and convention to ensure she produced the most enriching experience possible. And after much contemplation, she finally decided on starting off with something simple to slowly ease Love into pony life and break him of his old habits. The first thing she needed to do was teach him how to find pleasure in more socially acceptable activities. They were going to go on a picnic. Love was trusted to fetch some food to eat, a blanket to lie on, and a crossbow to fire at any bears interested in stealing some pic-a-nic baskets, and then meet Harmony in the Canterlot statue gardens. More specifically, she was waiting at my statue. I can only imagine why she had chosen me to be the meeting place. Perhaps she thought that I was lonely and this was her weak attempt at giving me some company. She was talking even less than me, so if that was her plan, then she is pretty lousy company. Another possibility was that I was a part of her lesson plan as an example to Love what happened to the last Spirit who got out of hand. Or maybe she was planning on building a nest on me. Seeing the way she was moving from place to place to stare at me from every angle, it’s entirely possible. She would be the first bird to try. The bird situation on the whole has actually been quite pleasant. I have never had a bird even try to land on me, let alone use me for a toilet. Lucky break, right? Being the embodiment of all things unexpected has its perks. I know the other statues are getting jealous of me for that, but they’ll never get the nerve to say anything to me about it. Love finally arrived with all of the picnic essentials and joined his sister in appreciating my statuesque beauty. “What an ugly creature.” Or not. “Are you ready to go?” Harmony nodded. “I’m ready when you are. I was just spending some time with our little brother.” “I really have no idea what Sister Nature was thinking when she came up with the idea for a draconequus,” Love sighed, shaking her head in disapproval. “I’ll bet that’s the reason why there aren’t any real draconequus around anywhere. She never put them on the planet because she didn’t want to be associated with a creature so homely.” “I don’t know about that,” Harmony disagreed. “I think he’s kind of attractive.” By the time she had realized what she said, it was too late. “You have a crush on Discord!” Love squealed. “I do not!” The white-hot blush on her cheeks did little to help her case. “Don’t start rumors!” “Yes you do, yes you do~” Love sing-songed. “That’s not what I meant!” It did not matter how loud she objected. Love had run away with the idea and there was no hope of him ever dropping it. “It’s something right out of a drama. The good little girl longs for excitement in her life and falls for the bad boy.” “That’s not it at all!” “I knew I was onto something when I thought of making opposites attract,” Love applauded himself. A thought crossed his mind and he looked at his sister like he was trying to read her mind. “Or is this where the girl believes she can change the troubled boy for the better? Or has the fair maid’s heart been stolen by the brave hero who had saved her life? And a case of star-crossed lovers on top of everything else!” “Cut it out!” Love feigned a gasp. “And your own brother, too! The scandal!” But Harmony had had enough. “None of us are actually even related and you know it!” The phoenix turned her back on her teasing brother, a thin line of black smoke rising from the top of her head. She had barely begun sulking before a magic glow lifted her off the ground and into a loving nuzzle. “Sister, I think that it’s wonderful that you have a crush,” Love said sincerely. “If anything, it’s a compliment to me.” Too tired to try for a proper apology, Harmony settled for that and tried to salvage what was left of her day. “Can we just go?” Well that was... Huh. “Sister, you aren’t doing your job well enough,” Love declared as he spread the checkered blanket at the top of a grassy hill outside Canterlot. “What? Why do you say that?” Harmony swiveled her head in confusion. Opening the top of the picnic basket with his hooves, he rummaged around the contents while he answered. “It’s like a jungle out there. Those ponies live like wild animals. Earlier today I saw somepony beat another to the ground just to steal their sandwich.” At the word, the alicorn pulled out a sandwich, holding it proudly. “This sandwich.” Harmony swooped and stole the sandwich from his grip, guarding it defiantly. “I think that this is a good time for a lesson,” she clicked. She began to dissect the sandwich, spreading the contents out on the blanket. “A kingdom is like a sandwich. You have the bread that holds everything together. But then there’s all the things between the bread that makes the sandwich a sandwich. Of course you need the meat for protein, the lettuce is good for your body and keeps it regular. Then you have the cheese which, when used in the perfect balance, brings out truly wonderful flavors. Tomatoes may make the bread soggy, but they’re still healthy like the lettuce.” Love rolled his eyes as he continued to empty the basket, taking out a salad, some desserts, a bowl of bird seed, and a bottle of wine with two ornate challices. “But only after you have the essentials,” Harmony continued, “can you put on the extra sauces. Do you understand?” “Not even a little.” “Okay. So the bread is like the rulers, because we keep everything together. And the tomatoes are—” “Gross,” Love interrupted. He filled one of the chalices and took a generous sip. “Tomatoes are gross. I use my authority as bread to banish tomatoes forever. "Brother, be serious." Love shrugged. "I don't know, I've had eight chalices of wine today. And this makes twelve!" He threw his head back to swallow his drink and immediately lost his balance, spilling it all onto the grass. Harmony was surprised when, instead of desperately trying to suck the wine out of the dirt, Love remained on his back, looking rather peaceful as he stared up at the clouds. She joined him and the two enjoyed the calm. “So,” Love began uncertainly, “what do we do now?” “Talk, mostly,” Harmony answered. “About what?” “Anything.” Harmony waited for Love to make the first move. “So I wonder what a draconequus actually is.” “What do you mean?” Harmony prayed that the topic of Discord would not come up again. “I think it was something Nature had made to bother you.” “What?” “Well, she did it for the rest of us,” Love explained. “She made basilisks that could kill with a glance to get on Life’s nerves, and phoenixes that can never die to annoy Death.” “I’m grateful for that.” “Then she made those Zoni things for Time. You know, those flea things he was always complaining about?” Harmony laughed at the memory. She had nearly forgotten all the little details from before she started life in Equestria. “It’s hard to believe that tiny little time traveling bugs were such a nuisance for him. “It’s funny to think.” The two laughed together and then fell into a restful quiet for a short time. “So what about you?” Harmony inquired. “Me?” “What did she make to get in the way of love?” The pony thought for a moment and shrugged. “I don’t actually know. Maybe she never got around to it.” As the day grew later and the sun began to set, ponies and creatures around the world returned to their homes. Taking shelter from the cold dark outside, they talked and laughed and ate together until they could barely keep their eyes open. The sound of yawning gave way to the sound of snoring and the ponies of Equestria waited for the coming dawn. Only a single soul waited unhappily. Alone in her tower, Princess Luna stood guard of the night as she had for years and years. But as even danger seemed to wait until after its morning coffee before coming to work, there was never anything to stand guard against and barely anyone to stand guard over. While the time was useful for reading and practicing her hobbies, some nights were harder than others for her. Setting the world paddleball record wasn’t as satisfying if no one was awake to document it. She had taught herself to play the violin and composed her own songs and lullabies, but she found with disappointment that she was perhaps too successful when anyone she played for quickly fell asleep. There was a short phase when she even tried that cup stacking fad before she realized that it was too asinine for even her. So she would count the stars in the sky over and over until the sunrise signaled her to close her curtains and go to sleep until it was time to start all over again. And as Luna wrapped herself in a bedsheet cocoon to let the world know she had no interest in speaking to it at the moment, she sighed and wished she knew how to get ponies to notice her. Had anyone in the room been awake, they might have noticed a small black scale scuttling out from behind Luna’s violin case and toward the bed. I feel like someone really should have kept an eye on that.