//------------------------------// // Ponies Gone Wild // Story: Runnin' On Empty // by AlwaysDressesInStyle //------------------------------// Rainbow Dash had convinced Brian to let them go out for some full speed laps provided proper attire could be arranged. Underestimating the resourcefulness of the ponies he had agreed to it. Now that there was a fully functional equine firesuit in front of him he was getting worried about the liabilities in the event something went wrong. Twilight Sparkle’s horn was glowing. The other three ponies backed away to let her work on the second suit, while curiosity got the better of the drivers, crewmembers, officials, and the media present. None of them had ever seen a unicorn prior to this day, and that meant Twilight’s raw display of magic was also new and fascinating. “I just wish Rarity was here,” she thought. “Making alterations to outfits is her specialty, not mine.” Soon the four ponies had crash helmets with full visors as well as firesuits. The various pit crews were doing their best to rig restraints to the rollcage since the cars didn’t have passenger seats. In the event of a crash, safety was the highest priority. Unfortunately by the time the cars were ready night had fallen over the raceway. Brian suggested that they do the photo shoot in the morning, and had Twilight make racing uniforms for the two missing ponies so that all six would be able to partake in the high speed run. “Hey guys, I just got a text from Dale. He and Kurt are at some fancy restaurant with their ponies, and he’s inviting us all to join him. Kurt’s even offering to treat us all to dinner.” “Well, far be it for me to pass up free grub, Jimmie,” said Tony Stewart. “I think we should all definitely go to dinner. In my studies on friendship I’ve learned that bonding over food is one of the easiest ways to make friends,” replied Twilight. “Well shoot, no way am I gonna miss out on eating with my friends,” Applejack added. “I still don’t trust that Kurt Busch guy, so yeah, I’m in too,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Sounds like a party! I’ll go get my cannon!” “Cannon?” asked Jeff. “Trust me, you don’t wanna know,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Ponies with cannons sound pretty cool to me,” said Tony. “Lucky Jimmie, getting the coolest pony.” “No silly-willy, Dashie is the coolest pony. I’m the funnest!” “Well, I guess it’s decided then,” Bill said. The drivers and ponies drove over to the restaurant where they found the only ones having a good time were Kurt and Rarity. Fluttershy was still intimidated by everything around her and Dale looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. Unable to stand the awkward silence any longer, Tony Stewart spoke, “Who died in here?” “A cow!” Fluttershy could no longer hold back the tears and sobbed into Kurt’s shoulder. Now it was his turn to comfort the sobbing pony, as she had done for him earlier. He patted her head and wished he had brought the brush with him to try and untangle her exceptionally long pink hair. “All I did was order steak,” replied Dale Junior. He had intentionally ordered the most expensive thing on the menu since his meal was on Kurt. He was also secretly enjoying watching the two ponies cringe every time he took a bite. “It’s in very poor taste to eat a cow in front of ponies. They’re sapient back home in Equestria, you know,” Rarity said, rolling her eyes. She hated to admit it but the smell of Junior’s steak was making her mouth water. “So, how are the vegetarian options?” Jimmie asked. The last thing he wanted to do was offend any of the ponies further than they already were. “They have a few salads. Not really the best selection in all honesty,” replied Kurt, as he poked at the lettuce in his own bowl. “Do any of you ponies object to eating fish?” Jimmie asked. Fluttershy raised a hoof. Rainbow Dash objected to Fluttershy’s objection. “But I’ve seen you feed fish to some of your animals!” “Well, yes. Some animals, like felines for example, can only eat meat. Their stomachs can’t process plants so they have no other options. But to have the ability to eat plants and choose to eat animals? That’s despicable.” Dale looked from his steak, to the two pegasi, and back to his steak, “Huh, I never knew being despicable was so tasty.” “Darling, your table manners are absolutely atrocious,” Rarity said, dabbing a napkin to Dale’s face to catch the juice from the steak dribbling from the side of his mouth. “I do think that if you weren’t taking such delight in your carnivorous ways you’d at least be able to get your food into your mouth without making such a dreadful mess.” “May I take your orders?” “Uh, yeah. I’m going to have a salad,” said Jimmie Johnson. “Me too,” replied Bill Elliott. “Make it three,” added Jeff Gordon. “We’ll all take salads as well,” Twilight Sparkle indicated Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and herself, then levitated the menus over to the waiter. “This place got hamburgers?” asked Tony Stewart. “Barbarian,” Rarity muttered under her breath. “No, sir. But we do have a wide variety of steak options available.” “In that case gimme what Dale’s having.” “But if you have what Dale’s eating, what’s he supposed to eat?” asked Pinkie Pie, who cocked her head and looked at the driver quizzically. “I think he meant he wants his own serving of the same meal that Dale’s having,” Twilight did her best to explain the situation to Pinkie Pie. “Well why didn’t he just say so instead of trying to steal Junior’s food away from him? That’s not very nice!” The waiter interrupted them at this point, “And to drink?” “Water,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Do y’all have any apple cider by any chance?” “No miss, we do not.” “Apple juice?” “No.” “Anything apple at all?” “We can make you an appletini?” “I was a teeny Apple once, thanks to some exposure to poison joke and I reckon it was a horrible experience. But I never did hear of a drink like that. So shoot, I’d love to give it a try! If it’s got apples in it, I’m bound to love it!” “That may not be the best idea…” Jeff Gordon started to object, but Applejack shushed him. “Look, if it’s got apples in it, that’s what I’m havin’. Y’all understand that?” “Okay, just don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.” “Warn me? About apples? Ha!” “And for you?” “Pepsi,” replied Jeff Gordon. “Sorry, we have Coca-Cola products here.” Jeff looked conflicted. Pepsi was one of his sponsors but he could really use a soda right now. “Uh, in that case, uh, water.” “I’ll take a Coca-Cola,” said Bill Elliott. “Yeah I’ll take a Coke too,” said Tony. “I’ll try that as well,” said Rainbow Dash. “Me four!” said Pinkie Pie. “Water,” said Jimmie Johnson. He cringed at the thought of the already hyperactive pink party pony discovering caffeine. He made a mental note to keep her as far away from Red Bull as humanly possible. “Have you had anything at all to eat recently?” Jeff asked Applejack. “Shoot, not since this mornin’. I’m so hungry I’m tempted to dig into Dale’s steak myself! Y’know, if Fluttershy wasn’t watchin’ an’ all.” “Then I would highly recommend you wait until after you’ve started eating your meal before you enjoy your appletini.” “Woulda just lighten up? Whatever this appletini is I’m sure I can handle it right fine. There ain’t an apple yet that can lick this pony.” Jeff leaned over to Twilight Sparkle and whispered, “You don’t have alcohol in Equestria, do you?” “Al Cohol? Who’s that?” “That’s what I thought. Never mind.” Jeff was not looking forward to the remainder of this evening. “So Tony, I’ve been wondering about this all day. How did you get stuck driving a My Little Pony themed car? You own your own team. You have the power to veto this.” “Well Dale, they wanted Danica Patrick to do it so I agreed to it, thinking she would too. She said 'no' because she’s trying to avoid an overly feminine image while breaking into a male-dominated sport. I asked Ryan Newman if he wanted to do it but he said 'no' too. So that left me as the last driver on the team. I kinda shot myself in the foot, but it hasn’t been too bad so far. Though I could’ve lived without brushing Twilight’s hair…” “I could’ve lived without that too, believe me,” replied Twilight Sparkle. “My mane may never be the same ever again!” “Oh darling, just wait until we get back home! I’ll have you back to normal in no time! Better than normal, even! You always style your mane so conservatively, I bet I could do wonders with it and give you a whole new image!” “Sorry about that. I’m not exactly used to brushing hair. I generally comb mine once a month,” Tony said. “Obviously,” replied Rarity. Tony burped in reply to the unicorn. Rarity glared at him. “What?” “What do you say?” “That it wasn’t my personal best and I should try harder next time?” “No.” “She wants you to excuse yourself. She does that t’ me all the time too,” said Applejack, burping loudly. “Pardon.” “Come on, that the best you got?” Tony asked, letting out a lingering belch. “Wow, I don’t even think my brother could beat that one.” “Uncouth.” “Thanks!” replied Tony. “The two of you are simply incorrigible.” “What’s that mean?” Tony and Applejack asked in unison. “Look it up in a dictionary.” “I would if I could spell it,” said Tony. “What’s a dictionary?” asked Applejack. Rarity ignored that question and turned to the rest of the gathered ponies and drivers and pointed to her salad, “Would it be possible to have a conversation with someone with an IQ higher than this leaf of lettuce?” Dale saw an opening and pounced on it. “Why don’t you try Jimmie? He’s always struck me as the intelligent type.” Jimmie Johnson rolled his eyes, and decided two could play the ‘pawn their pony off on someone else’ game, “I’d be delighted to converse with you, Miss Rarity, but I’m currently focused on preventing Miss Pie from overdosing on sugar and caffeine.” Rarity saw through both drivers’ charades, and knew full well Jimmie’s was intentionally transparent. Picking up where he left off, she continued for him, “Well, that simply won’t do. Pinkie, darling, Mr. Earnhardt would love to hear your fascinating theories on balloon evolution.” “Oh goody! It’s like so hard to find somepony who wants to hear this wild theory I came up with! See, it all started when I was a filly, before I even had a cutie mark, that’s this symbol here, with the balloons, by the way..." she waved her flank in the air so the gathered drivers could all see the trio of balloons adorning it. "...anyways so I was just a little twinky Pinkie blank flank and I was so bored and alone on the rock farm and then I discovered rainbows thanks to Rainbow Dash here, and that led me to smile for the very first time, and then the rainbow faded so I had to come up with new ways to smile and then I invented parties…” All six of the drivers’ jaws fell slack at the massive run-on sentence delivered without so much as a pause for breath. Or a point, for that matter. “And that’s how balloons evolved from rocks and became the dominant party supply in all of Equestria!” “Balloons evolved from rocks?” asked Dale Junior, incredulous. “There’s hope for your head yet, Tony. You could go from a rockhead to an airhead.” “Real funny, Jeff. Who knows, maybe one day you might evolve a personality.” “Now Jimmie, darling, you were going to tell me all about yourself….” Rarity batted her eyelashes. Jimmie shuddered at the flirtatious unicorn. “I’m married, with a daughter. Here’s a picture of us all. See! We’re a very happy family!” “Why yes, I can definitely see why a big, strong stallion, er, I mean man such as yourself would attract such a beautiful mare…woman as a mate.” Jimmie sighed and swore revenge on Brian France. Similar thoughts were running through four of the other drivers’ minds as well. Kurt, however, was still firmly under Fluttershy’s spell. His mind was obscured by the calming presence of thousands of butterflies, all fluttering through a peaceful valley filled with colorful flowers of all types. A babbling brook and leaves rustling in the wind were the only sounds to be heard. For the first time in his life he wondered if this is what it felt like to be truly happy. While the drivers were grumbling, the ponies were all enjoying themselves and filling each other in on the day’s events. When their entrées arrived, Applejack received a refill of her appletini. It was her fourth, and since she still had yet to eat anything she was just starting to feel the effects of the alcohol she had been drinking, “Rarity, there’s something…” she hiccupped before continuing, “I’ve always wanted to tell you.” She motioned for Rarity to pull her head closer so she could whisper in her ear. Once the unicorn was on top of her, the orange mare let out a massive belch. “Whoa, nice one!” Tony exclaimed, patting her on the back. It was the wrong gesture. Applejack immediately lost the contents of her dinner, puking into her salad bowl. Everyone else stopped eating and immediately shoved their own plates aside, disgusted. Except for Tony who continued on eating nonplussed. “You guys gonna finish that?” Pinkie Pie hopped onto the table and started dancing. “Come on, everypony dance now!” Rainbow Dash and Applejack hopped on the table next to her and the three ponies started grooving on the table, much to the chagrin of the others. “Twilight, do something! You have to stop this madness!” “Not until I’m done counting the ceiling tiles in here. I have to know precisely how many there are for my summary of this dinner for Princess Celestia. Every single detail must be accurate!” “Fluttershy, darling, do something!” “I am doing something Rarity. I’m hiding under the table!” “Oooh,” Rarity pressed a hoof to her chest and promptly fainted. “Dashie!” “Yes Pinkie Pie?” “I wanna fly!” “Sure thing, Pinkie Pie,” Dash chugged the rest of her soda. It was her fourth glass. She had lost count of just how many Pinkie Pie had had. She scooped the pink earth pony up and started soaring. Well, she tried to, anyway. But the pesky ceiling kept getting in her way. “Sirs, if you cannot keep your ponies under control I’m afraid I will need to ask you to leave.” “We’ll take that second option. Please!” Dale begged the maître d’. “Maybe we should go outside, Dashie?” “I’m working on it…” Dash aimed for a window and the two ponies crashed through it in a shower of shattering glass. “Sweet, sweet freedom!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “It’s even worth all these annoying little cuts!” “Sorry about that, Pinkie Pie. I couldn’t remember where to find the door.” “It’s okay, Dashie. I was getting so cramped up in there. So stuffy and boring!” The pegasus performed loops and dives while holding the pink mare tightly. She had already caught Rarity plummeting previously on no less than three occasions, but had no desire to rescue yet another friend at the moment. Especially not if she was the one causing her to fall. “That window is being added to your bill, which is being prepared as we speak. You’re leaving now, all of you.” “I’ve got the check,” said Kurt, pulling out his credit card. Meanwhile, outside, Pinkie was starting to feel slightly airsick. “Dashie?” “Yeah?” “I’m getting dizzy.” Rainbow Dash immediately stopped mid-barrel roll and the sudden lack of motion was more than Pinkie could handle. All of the random items she could pull out of thin air magically appeared, and the resulting mess managed to land on a Chrysler Sebring. Rainbow Dash set Pinkie Pie down and landed beside her. “And that’s why you should always put the top up when you park a convertible!” Pinkie said, salvaging everything she could from the wrecked vehicle. “Somehow I don’t think that flimsy roof would have saved it from your party cannon…” “I thought I heard voices over here. The rest of us are out front. Come on,” said Bill, leading the ponies to where the rest of the group was located. Dale and Kurt were carrying Rarity, who was still passed out, while Tony Stewart was eating what was left of his meal from a paper sack. “Doggie bag, woot!” he said, after noticing the strange looks Rainbow and Pinkie gave him. “There aren’t any doggies in there, are there?” Fluttershy whispered to Kurt. Tears were already welling up in her eyes at the thought. “No, it’s just an expression. It comes from taking your leftovers home to feed your pet dog so you don’t let the food go to waste. “Oh, what a lovely thing to do!” Fluttershy felt relieved. Not only were dogs not being harmed, they were being fed. This was wonderful news. “So where am I supposed to leave you for the night?” Tony asked the purple unicorn he had been saddled with all day. “I was under the impression I was supposed to be staying with you.” “How’d I know you were going to say that? Look, I’ve got to get some sleep. My RV’s only got one bed, but you can take the couch. Just clear off a spot and make yourself comfortable.” “But Mr. Stewart, I’ve taken the liberty of analyzing every race you’ve run in the Sprint Cup Series, and I have some charts I’d like to review with you. For example, last fall at a track in Talladega, Alabama, you were leading the race on the last lap when you decided to move down the track and block a pass from Michael Waltrip. The end result was a twenty-five car pileup.” “Yeah? And your point is?” “Don’t do that again.” “That’s the best advice you’ve got for me?” “Absolutely not! That’s just the first of over two hundred interesting critiques I’ve done of your five hundred and one career starts. But it was definitely the most important point to cover since your actions directly impacted twenty-four other drivers, any of whom could have been seriously injured. I mean have you seen the replays of that accident? One car was even upside down!” “Yeah, I know. That was my car.” “Oh. Right…” “Look, can this wait until tomorrow? I really want to get some sleep.” “Sure. Just one last thing tonight.” “Fine.” “I think you should apologize for the Talladega wreck at the driver’s meeting on Sunday morning. There’s a precedent for this set by Ernie Irvan in 1991.” “Look, I accepted blame for the crash, but I ain’t gonna apologize for racing hard. That’s what I get paid to do – race cars. My sponsors expect me to win.” “Your competitors expect to leave the track alive.” “You should really have this conversation with Kurt’s brother Kyle Busch. Mention something about trying to kill Ron Hornaday in a truck race a few years back. Ran him straight into a wall under a caution period. For that matter, go talk to Kurt. He tried to kill Jimmy Spencer a few times a decade ago.” “Intentionally?” “Yes.” “Oh…oh my.” “Now can I sleep or do you have another lecture you’d like to give me?” “Oh, go right on ahead to sleep, Mr. Stewart. The rest of the lectures can wait until tomorrow.” “Right. Well, night,” Tony grunted as he closed the door to his bedroom. Sarcasm was still lost on that purple unicorn. “I didn’t even get to tell him how our initials match,” Twilight sighed as she turned towards the couch that would be her bed for the night. “Ugh,” she muttered, enveloping the entire sofa in her magical aura and levitating it, before flipping it upside down to dump empty Doritos bags, a few dozen Burger King Whopper wrappers, and assorted crumbs, spare change, and pocket lint onto the already messy floor. She returned the couch to its rightful position on the floor and levitated the coins into her saddlebag. “I’d like to examine this currency when I get back to Ponyville. I’ll leave him a few bits in exchange.” She turned her attention back to the couch. Focusing all of her magical abilities on the old blue couch she immersed it in a cleansing spell, which she performed four times before she was satisfied it was as clean as possible. Then she patched the rips in the poor blue sofa with one of Rarity’s sewing spells, and finally used a duplication spell to double the stuffing in the pillows. She laid down on the couch and was unpleasantly surprised to find that it was still as uncomfortable as it had looked earlier. And despite her rigorous cleaning, it still had a rather noxious aroma. “You know what? I think I’ll just sleep outside in the grass instead.” “Jimmie. We need to talk.” He turned to face the person who addressed him. To his relief it was his wife. “Yes honey?” “You’ve been hanging out with a pink pony all day and you haven’t once thought to introduce her to your own daughter?” “Look, I don’t trust the pony.” “You don’t trust the pony?” She laughed. “Dear, she’s a pastel pink pony from a cartoon show about spreading love and tolerance. I think she’s safe for your daughter to hang out with. I think you’re just being over-protective again.” “She can pull a cannon out of thin air. And she’s not afraid to use it. Actually she really enjoys using it.” “And I’m supposed to believe this why?” “Look, until twelve hours ago I didn’t believe in magical talking ponies existing anywhere other than cartoon shows.” “You’re so paranoid, dear.” “Why won’t anyone believe me that the pony is a menace?” Jimmie sighed. Pinkie Pie walked past him and into the kitchen. She returned a minute later walking on her hind legs and carrying nearly the entire contents of his refrigerator with her. “Did you leave me any food at all?” “Sure! I left you the meat, and all the healthy stuff. But the snacks are mine, all mine!” Jimmie banged his head on the table. It was going to be a long night. “Fluttershy?” “Yes Kurt?” “I couldn’t sleep. The bad thoughts are coming back. Help me.” “You’ll never overcome them on your own if I have to keep doing it for you.” “Please,” Kurt begged her. “One more time, to get me through the rest of this weekend?” “Okay, fine. But you need to learn how to take care of yourself cause Mama Fluttershy’s not going to always be here for you.” She stared into the racecar driver’s eyes. “You will banish those horrid thoughts about harming others. You will be nice to everyone around you. You will, uh, you will donate all of the prize money you win this weekend to a charity for animals.” “I hear and obey Fluttershy. Be nice. Harm no one. Give all money to World Wildlife Fund.” “And no eating meat ever again. I mean it. Not so much as a bite.” “No eating meat.” “You will propose to your girlfriend and get married the next time you come to race here in Las Vegas. By one of those nice Elvis impersonators I’ve been seeing at all the chapels.” “Get married to Elvis. I hear and obey, Fluttershy.” “Eh, close enough.” Kurt returned to his bedroom to get some sleep while Fluttershy cleaned his RV. She started with his refrigerator, and immediately put all of the meat into a Rubbermaid container. Once the fridge was sparkling clean, and all the expired macaroni salad and outdated condiments were disposed of, she grabbed the meat container in her mouth and quickly left the RV. She took flight and searched for the nearest forest. Since Las Vegas was located in a desert, she had quite a flight before she found a suitable environment. She landed in a clearing and placed the clear plastic tote on the ground. She performed a basic Equestrian funeral for her fallen animal friends, and once she was finished she opened the lid of the container, placing the meat on the ground. Like it or not, the circle of life must continue and to waste the meat would deprive starving animals of a meal. She didn’t have long to wait before a few predators showed up. The first to arrive was a raccoon, which grabbed a few bites of ground chuck. Fluttershy approached the procyonid and he chittered happily and rubbed against her leg. “Well aren’t you the friendliest little raccoon? Yes you are!” Before long a bobcat and two coyotes arrived as well. “Well hello there, Mrs. Bobcat!” Fluttershy took a good look at the feline, “You’re going to be a mother soon! Congratulations on your kittens!” She turned her attention to the larger of the two coyotes, “Now Mr. Coyote, what have you gotten yourself into?” The yellow pegasus started pulling ticks from the canine’s coat. “Doesn’t that feel much better? And now you have a nice full tummy so you won’t have to eat any cute little bunnies tonight.” The coyotes licked her in acknowledgement and bounded off. Her mission accomplished, Fluttershy returned to Kurt Busch’s RV. His snores filled the vehicle and Fluttershy smiled. A well-rested racecar driver was a happy one after all, and she wanted to make sure that Kurt stayed happy. Next on her list of things to do to make him feel happier was to clean the recreational vehicle from top to bottom. She hummed a happy tune as she finished cleaning the kitchen, and then she realized that her overzealous cleaning had left the driver with barely any food. There was only one thing to do – she had to restock his pantry. It was only fair after all. Now she just had to find a store… Jeff Gordon barricaded the door. No way was that horrid orange pony going to get out of there. “Jeff?” “Yes honey?” “Is there any particular reason why you’ve turned the RV’s only bathroom into a fortress of solitude?” “Uh, yes. See, the pony I’ve been stuck with all day is in there.” “We have a spare bedroom.” “She’s drunk. Very drunk. Already vomited once drunk.” “And you locked a drunk pony in a room with glass that can be broken and a shower she can drown in?” “I’m not that lucky.” “So what are we going to do if nature calls?” “Dale’s RV is next to us. I’m sure he won’t mind if we use his facilities, and his little unicorn is delightful. I don’t know how I got stuck with the redneck and he got the fashionista, but she’s absolutely charming.” “Unicorn?” “Yes, her name’s Rarity I think.” “Today has been weird.” “You have no idea…” Rainbow Dash was staring at some framed portraits hanging in Bill Elliott’s recreational vehicle. “Awesome Bill from Dawsonville?” “That’s my nickname.” “Awesome! I love awesome! And radical!” “Yeah, I’ve noticed you like to be cool.” “Hey, I’m the coolest and I got the awesomest driver too! We’re going to kick flank and take names come Sunday!” “Well, no, we probably aren’t,” replied Bill. “Technically I retired almost ten years ago. I drive a few races a year, mostly with underfunded teams hoping to use my champion’s provisional to ensure a starting position in the race.” “I…I don’t understand?” “Joe Nemechek owns the car I’m racing this weekend, and he drives car number 87. Come Sunday we’re both parking in the early laps to collect the last place prize money without wearing out our equipment or running the risk of crashing.” “But… but….” “Yeah, it’s not the ideal plan, but we don’t have sponsorship money to race the whole way through. I’d love to but it’s not cheap to run a race team.” “Don’t worry about a thing, Bill. I’ll talk to this Joe guy for you. I’m sure I can convince him to see reason.” “I’m not sure he’s the one failing to see reason here.” “Bah! Now you sound like Twilight Sparkle and Rarity. That’s not awesome, that’s lame and boring. I’ll keep your reputation for you, don’t you fret!” There was a gentle rapping at the door. Bill didn’t even hear it, but Rainbow Dash excused herself for a minute. When she returned she had Fluttershy in tow. “Um, excuse me, Mr. Elliott, sir.” “Yes Fluttershy?” “I was wondering, if it’s not too much trouble, do you think you could um, take me to the store please? I decided to clean Kurt’s motorhome and now there’s not a lot left for him to eat.” “Yeah, I can do that. This is Las Vegas, we’re bound to find a Wal-Mart that's open 24 hours.” Once a suitable store was found, the three went inside and Fluttershy immediately headed for the food aisle while Rainbow Dash made a beeline for sporting goods and toys. Bill watched Rainbow Dash dart off and realized there was no way he was going to keep up with her. All he could do was hope she could control herself for once and follow Fluttershy instead. “Do you think Kurt would like this?” Fluttershy held up some granola bars. “Probably not.” “But according to the packaging they’re so healthy! Healthy is good, right?” “Uh, well, yes.” “So great! I just know he’ll love them!” Fluttershy said, tossing them into the shopping cart. Bill shook his head. Apparently all of these ponies were completely crazy. “Do you think he likes strawberries or cherries better?” “Well, I actually don’t know…” “I’ll just get both then! Just to be safe.” Eventually Rainbow Dash returned to them and she dumped a package of toy cars into the shopping cart. “I found Tony Stewart, Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, and Dale Earnhardt Junior, but no sign of you at all, Bill. You’re so popular they can’t even keep your toys in stock!” “We’ll hit the souvenir stands tomorrow if you want one. It won’t be my current car but I’m sure we can find one I’ve driven previously pretty easily.” “Oh, that won’t be necessary. Cause I found this!” Rainbow Dash held up the set of cars she had dropped into the cart. It was a set of all six cars in the My Little Pony promo. “Think I should get one for everypony else?” “Oh yes, Rainbow Dash! That would be delightful. You can give them out as Hearth’s Warming gifts this year.” “Thanks Fluttershy! I’ll go get some more. You want one Bill?” It had been several years since one of his cars had made it to small scale. At this point, it might be the last so he decided to get one. “Yeah, may as well.” Bill covered the cost of the ponies’ purchases and in return Fluttershy gave him several bits. Bill attempted to explain that one bit was worth far more than what he had just spent for them considering its gold content but Fluttershy was insistent that he take them anyway. They continued arguing economics as they left the store. “Dude! Did NASCAR driver Bill Elliott and two My Little Ponies just go through your checkout line?” “Yeah.” “Isn’t that crazy?” “I work for Wal-Mart. It’s not the weirdest thing I’ve seen tonight.” “So Dale. Tell me, is this how you always spend Friday nights?” “Not normally. See, usually I don’t have to baby-sit a unicorn.” “And if I wasn’t here, what would you be doing?” “Probably checking out the local club scene.” “Oh! So you like club music too? Oh my, it’s about time we found something in common! I just so happen to have Equestria’s current number one hit with me. Do you perchance have a record player?” “No.” “Do you know where we can find one?” “Maybe an antique store. It’s a shame my dad’s friend Dave Marcis retired years ago. He’d probably have one.” “Well, I suppose it won’t be necessary. I think I can arrange one. Fortunately, there should be one in the RV right next to us. I shall go get it.” “Jeff Gordon’s got a record player?” “Other side of us, Dale.” “Huh, I knew Jimmie Johnson was dull but I didn’t think he was so out of date that his music collection was still on vinyl.” “Droll. Very droll. Ahem, I shall be back shortly with a record player!” Dale debated locking the door behind her, but then he remembered seeing the purple unicorn teleport earlier in the day. Even locked doors were no match for these ponies. He sighed. Part of him was curious to see what ponies considered to be good music, however. Rarity traversed the distance from Dale’s RV to Jimmie Johnson’s in less than thirty seconds. All four Hendrick Racing teammates were next to one another, with Kasey Kahne on the far left, Jimmie Johnson to his right, Dale Junior to his right, and Jeff Gordon on the far right. She knocked on the door of Jimmie’s RV and he answered it. “Jimmie, darling, what happened? You look quite frightful.” “Pinkie Pie happened. Did you see how much soda she had at dinner? She’s on a sugar and caffeine fueled rampage right now.” “Oh darling, there’s an easy way to stop that. Allow me.” “Please. I’m desperate. I need peace and quiet. My daughter’s trying to sleep.” “Very well then,” Rarity walked into the RV. “I shan’t be long. Pinkie, darling, where are you?” “Right here, Rarity! And now I’m over here! And look! I’m so fast I’m in two places at once! Wooooooo!” “Well, darling, we’re having a little party in Dale’s RV and I was wondering if you’d be interested in attending?” “A party? You’re having a party and you’re only now inviting me? Of course I’m there! Except I’m here. So we need to go there! To the party! Let’s get this party started! Or wait, has the party started without me? Please tell me the party hasn’t started without me!” “Darling, have no fear, we can’t start the party without a record player.” “Oh! Well I have one of those!” Pinkie pulled it out of thin air, as she always did. “I knew I could count on you, darling. Now let’s give Mr. Johnson some peace and quiet and we’ll party at Dale’s.” “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie bounced after Rarity as they left the Johnson RV. Jimmie wasted no time deadbolting the door behind them. No way was the pink pony getting back into his RV. She could be Dale’s problem for the night. “Oops! Silly me, I left my party cannon in here!” Pinkie materialized behind Jimmie with her party cannon and opened the door, deadbolt and all, and closed it behind her. Jimmie just stood there in confusion. She hadn’t come back in through the front door. And there’s no way she could have gone all the way around to one of the windows, opened one from the outside, and managed to get back inside that quickly. He shivered. This pony was unnatural in more ways than one. Somehow even the basic laws of physics were scared of her. “Dale, darling, you remember Pinkie Pie?” “Yes.” “What do you say?” “It’s a pleasure to see you again, Miss Pie.” “Miss Pie,” Pinkie snorted. “Oh that’s a good one! She’s making you formal! Call me Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie, or even ‘hey you in the bushes’. Just never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever call me late for dinner. Or lunch, or breakfast, or especially dessert.” Well, the little unicorn had managed to do it. She had managed to find a pony even more annoying than she was. And now he was saddled with two colorful ponies instead of just one. And to make matters worse this one had to be hot pink in coloration. He was going to have to be the photographer on another Playboy photoshoot to bring his masculinity back up to an acceptable level. “A little background on this song. It’s performed by a group of ponies comprised of lead singer Wysteria, guitarist Razzaroo, bassist Sew-and-So, and drummer Minty. They call themselves The Gee Threes.” “And Minty’s like totally a good friend of mine, so I got a cameo in the song! But the Spike referenced isn’t Twilight’s friend, Spike. Did Rarity mention that Twilight has a dragon? No? Oh, well Twilight Sparkle totally has a dragon assistant named Spike! But Spike’s apparently a pretty popular name for dragons raised by ponies because Wysteria’s dragon is also named Spike.” “This song started the latest dance craze in Equestria. We call it disco,” said Rarity, turning the record player on. Dale’s eyes flew open wide. What had he agreed to this time? It couldn’t possibly be ‘70s era disco music. Could it? Anything but that. He cringed as the song started. It was a mixture of music, singing, and speaking parts. Razzle Dazzle, who could it be? Oh yes! All dressed up for a tea party! That's it! Steppin' out to the disco drums, Unicornia here she comes! I love it! Disco, disco Dash! Solid Gold! Disco, disco Dash. Take no chance, to pose and prance. Lookin' good! Disco, disco Dash You look marvelous! Ponies light up the disco scene. Yellow, violet, pink, and green! Fancy free and feelin' fine. Come on girls, it's time to shine! It's time to shine! Disco, disco dance! I don’t believe her! Disco, disco dance. Take no chance, to pose and prance. Ah, that's it! Disco, disco dance! Go go ponies! Go Pinkie! Okay! Ooh, ooh, Wysteria! Flower power! Go Sew-and-So! I'm goin'! Go Minty, go Minty! Gasp! No Minty! No Minty! Uh-oh... Oh Minty, Minty, Minty! "Oh, don't mind the pause here. Minty's a bit of a klutz and the song pauses here to make everypony think it's over. But it isn't! This is the best part coming up!" Rarity beamed at a speechless Dale Earnhardt Jr. Ooh, that gives me a bopping good idea! All you ponies gather 'round! I put the hip-hop beat to a disco sound! It's a brand new way to start your style. Just call me Sir Mix-It-Up! Oh yes! Spike, darling! Okay! Whoa, Spike! Disco, hip-hop dance. Oh, watch this! Disco, hip-hop dance. Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your cutie. Shake your cutie! Ooo-ooh! Disco, hip-hop dance. Check me out, darling! Disco, hip-hop dance. Pot of gold! Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your cutie. Shake your cutie! Disco! Hip-Hop! Hip-Hop! Disco Dance! Dale Junior watched in horror as Rarity and Pinkie Pie continued to take the song literally, shaking their cutie mark adorned rumps frantically. “I just love that song! Would you like me to show you how to do the dance that goes with it?” Pinkie bounced in place. “Uh, no thanks. You two showed me more than enough of it while it was playing.” Dale shuddered at the memory. There was no way he was sleeping tonight. Sleeping at any point during the rest of the week wasn’t looking so good either. There was a strong possibility he would never sleep ever again. Not without the memories of what he had just witnessed giving him nightmares. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to get to bed. Big day tomorrow you know.” “But darling, it’s only nine o’clock. See, this is why you don’t have a marefriend, sorry, I mean girlfriend. You’re just too uptight.” “Me. Uptight?” “Yes.” “I’ve never been called that before. And on that lovely note, the other bedroom’s right there. Feel free to watch TV until you’re tired. Wait, hold that thought for a second,” he grabbed the remote control and pressed a few buttons, locking out all of the premium channels and any other channel that might show anything remotely offensive to the two ponies. The last thing he needed was for the unicorn to get ideas. Going down the list of channels he realized he had blocked pretty much everything. “So, uh, this is PBS. I hope you like documentaries.” “And coming up next on PBS, the mating habits of horses…” “Now why would I need to see something like that? Are you presuming I know nothing on the subject, or are you trying to get me in the mood? If the latter, you would have better luck with chocolates and flowers.” Rarity pouted and batted her eyelashes. “I hate my life.” “Oh no, no, no, that simply won’t do! No one can hate his life when Pinkie Pie is around! I’ll turn that frown upside down. C’mon, c’mon, smile, smile, smile! Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine! All I really need’s a smile, smile, smile….” “Leave me alone!” Dale screamed, slamming the door to his bedroom behind him. “Oh dear…” Rarity said, as Pinkie Pie took that as a personal challenge to cheer up the racecar driver. “I do hope he won’t hold Pinkie’s antics against me…” Pinkie popped up behind Dale in his bedroom, “Someone’s cranky. Almost as cranky as a donkey I know. But he has an excuse, cause his name really is Cranky Doodle. Oh, and he’s like really, really bald so that probably doesn’t help matters much.” “Gah! How did you get in here?” “Door was unlocked.” “No it wasn’t.” “Eh, for me, all doors are unlocked. I know the cheat codes. Life’s much more fun when you Celestia mode your way through it.” “So the pony cheats her way through real life like the rest of us cheat our way through video games,” Dale mused. He couldn’t make up his mind as to whether this endeared her to him or made her scarier than the unicorn. A memory of sashaying flanks danced through his mind, and he decided that nothing could possibly be scarier than Rarity. “You gonna be okay now?” “I will be, but I need to get away from ponies for a little while.” “Okie dokie lokie! We’ll be in the guest room if you need us!” “I won’t,” Dale said once the door was closed and he was sure the pink pony was out of earshot. “Oh I wouldn’t bet on that. We’re pretty handy!” Pinkie replied, popping out of Dale’s closet. She immediately disappeared back inside. Dale yanked the door open but to his surprise saw no pony inside. “Yeah, I think I’m going to go forget this day ever happened.”