//------------------------------//
// Epilogue 
// Story: The Jerk 
// by Perception Filter 
//------------------------------//

The Jerk
Epilogue

I awoke slowly, my vision flickering. I opened my eyes only to slam them shut as they were besieged by a bright light. I tried to move my arms, but they just screamed in agony at me and I decided that I was better off not moving for now. I slowly opened my eyes as they adjusted and took in my surroundings. I was in a bleach-white hospital room, hooked up to various monitors I did not know the function of. The steady beeping sound somewhere to my right told me I was still alive.

I slowly lifted by back off the bed and groaned as my body screamed at me to stop. I looked to my left and saw a clean window and realized we must be somewhere outside. Not underneath a mountain for once. I saw ponies milling about and going about what looked like their daily business. I looked to my right and saw an empty chair.

Slowly stretching, I tried not to yell out as my muscles protested. Slowly, and with a shaky hand, I pulled off all of the little suction cup things—and an IV needle from my arm—off of my body. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand up only to collapse as my legs gave out underneath me.

Right as I hit the ground everything started to go fuzzy, and I started to crawl out into the hallway, and soon ponies were all around me. I vaguely recall punching one or two of them before blacking out again.

Then I awoke in the same room, except with some leather straps around my arms and legs. I tugged at them experimentally, and found that my arms didn’t hurt anymore. Unfortunately, I also found that the straps were too tough for me to simply snap. I looked out the window again, and saw that the streets were empty, but plenty of lights were on. A dark thunderstorm overhead blocked out the sky, so I couldn’t tell if it was night or day.

I looked around a bit more and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up to find the straps around my arms and legs gone, and a tray of food sitting at my bedside. There was an apple, and a bowl that held some sort of soup. I looked at it suspiciously, and took the apple, taking a bite out of it. It was fucking delicious. Best food I’ve tasted in my life. I finished it in seconds, not even realizing how famished I was.

I tossed the apple core on the tray and grabbed the soup. There was some sort of lump in the middle and I reached in and pulled out what looked like a charred rat. I smiled, and tore off some chunks of meat happily. I sipped some of the broth along with it, and when I finished I noticed a small note on the tray.

It read:

“Hey, you never told me your name, but it’s been a while, and you’re easy to track down, with some help. Anyways, the doctors wouldn’t let me bring you any meat, or anything like that, so I snuck in here with this soup. Hope you like it.”

--Pyromancer

I chuckled and put everything on the tray back to where it was and looked out the window again. It was just beginning to rain, and lightning flashed in the distance. I shrugged and got up out of bed, wincing when my feet touched the ground. My legs were still sore, but I could actually walk now. My whole body felt as stiff as a board. I tried to stretch while walking, but that was pretty hard, along with trying to keep my balance.

I opened the door out of my room, and was met with an empty hospital. I closed the door and stumbled down the hallway. I heard some whistling coming from around a corner, along with hoofsteps and I looked both ways and dashed into a nearby supply closet, keeping it slightly open to see what was going on.

I saw a earth pony twirling a baton on his hoof, whistling a merry tune walking down the hallway. He wore some sort of uniform. Probably a night guard. When he had passed I exited the closet, and kept walking. I found a set of stairs and walked down, my bare feet barely making any noise. I slowly approached what looked like the lobby from the hall I was in, and gently pushed open the doors.

There was a large rounded desk that was manned by a white pony with a pink mane. She heard the doors open and looked up. She was just about to say something when she saw me.

“Oh,” she said, with a strictly neutral expression. “You’re awake.”

“Yes, yes I am. Say, do you know where my clothes are?”

“They’re over there,” she said, pointing to a chest right beside her. “Why don’t you get dressed while I call the princesses.”

“Say, one question before you do that, how long was I out?”

“A few months. You were deep into a coma.”

“Damn... Alright, go ahead and... Wait, how are you gonna call them? Last I checked, Canterlot was pretty far away.”

“We have magical means of talking over long distances,” she said with a small smile.

“Ugh, keep that magic shit to yourself. I’ve had my fill of it.”

“One would think you’d be more grateful, considering it saved your life.”

“No shit... Damn. Well then, go ahead, ring ‘em up. Feel free to admire my sexy body as I strip naked to get dressed.”

The pony crunched up her nose in disgust and turned away; so I opened up the chest, and was pleasantly surprised to find my deathclaw gauntlet, power fist, and both sets of my armor in there, fully repaired. I quickly stripped out of the hospital scrubs I was wearing and put on my stealth armor.

It felt good to be back in armor again, just going around wearing nothing felt really weird. I’m sure you know the feeling. You’ve probably woken up without your stuff several times. When I was finished, the nurse turned around again.

“They’ll be here with some carriages soon. You can just take a seat over there.” She nodded to some chairs lining the wall.

“Thanks.” I went and sat down, leaning back and enjoying the silence. After a while, the sliding glass doors opened and the three immortals walked in. Celestia, looking noble; Luna, looking bored; and Discord, looking even more bored than Luna. They all laid eyes on me at the same time.

“John, it is good to see you awake,” Celestia said, without a smile. She seemed different, probably mad at me for trying to strangle her still. Luna still looked bored, and tossed a casual glance my way before examining a chip of paint missing from the wall. Discord had procured a lawn-chair and was reading a book. The spine read “Cupcakes”.

“So, you guys here to send me home? I’ve really been missing the Wasteland.”

“We know,” came another voice, and Twilight stepped out from behind Celestia, with a pair of wings. “After all, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

“Nice wings you got there Horny,” I said, smiling at my cleverness.

“Don’t call me that.” Her voice had taken on a peculiar, grating, angry tone.

“Are you a spy?”

“What...? No... I’m not a spy,” she replied, confused.

“Then your name is Horny.”

She replaced her scowl and started grinding her teeth. I enjoyed tormenting her.

“Peace, Twilight,” Celestia intervened. “We shall soon be rid of him.”

“Yeah, ‘bout time.” I crossed my arms. “So, how’s this gonna work?”

“We have already located the magical signature of your universe, and have prepared the spell. All you have to do is sit there.”

“Give it to me straight doc, is it gonna hurt?” I put on a worried expression.

“Yes. You shall experience pain you’ve never experienced before,” Celestia remarked, smiling grimly.

“No,” Discord intervened. “You won’t feel a thing. Stop being such a bitch Celly.” The aforementioned princess shot him an angry look, and turned back to me.

“Just hold still.” Her horn flared bright golden, and I saw Luna, Discord, and Twilight all adding their magic to the mix. There was a bright flash of light, and it was black for a moment. Suddenly, light came rushing forward, like I was in some sort of tunnel, and in the light, I caught flashes and glimpses of different worlds, and what I assumed were different universes.

Then, without warning, the images rushing past me all stopped, and I was disoriented for a second. I blinked and looked around. I was in some sort of room, and the walls were covered in white. I heard guns going off in the distance and someone yelling. I looked behind me just in time to see someone with a gas mask run by me. He was holding a revolver, and yelling something unintelligible at me. I scratched my head in confusion and turned around, and saw a fuckton of zombie things charging at me.

The white light flashed again and I was in the roaring tunnel of images one more time. Not long after, they stopped and I was in a forest, a living one. I heard the sound of clashing swords to see a man dressed in regal armor wielding a longsword, and just decimating another man who was wearing black armor.

Just before I teleported out, I heard the winning one say, “What are you going to do, bleed on me?”

So, it seemed, I was teleporting from universe to universe. I was beginning to think that Celestia had screwed me over. Now, most of what I saw was pretty boring, but there were a few that stuck out. One of them was when I appeared in a snowy white wasteland. There was a blizzard, so I couldn’t see much, but I could make out the faint outline of what looked like a small child wearing spiked, black armor.

As it got closer, I saw it wasn’t a kid, but a really, really small person. I think the term was dwarf or something. His eyes were glowing a pale blue, and his seemed unaffected by the snow. He was using a sword that was glowing with strange runes as a walking stick. He looked at me momentarily, like he was about to say something, but closed his mouth and walked away. 

Then, a few more pit-stops later, I appeared in some sort of facility. There was a barricade made out of crates and bedframes right in front of me, and a metal grate floor beneath my feet. There was a gaping hole in it, and the edges were jagged, as if something acidic had eaten through it. There was a loud blaring noise then, and a voice came over an intercom, “You now have: Ten, minutes to reach minimum safe distance.”

So that was pretty much for the interesting ones. Oh yeah, almost forgot. One of them was me on a mountain, and I saw a guy shout at what looked like a dragon, and the thing—which must have weighed a few hundred tons—fly off the mountain backwards.

So, finally, I appeared back in my own world. You know how I could tell? There was a dirty guy wearing a spiked tire on his shoulder chasing a girl down the street, shouting threats at her.

Except the threats were a bit weird, probably because where I appeared was Canada.

“Hey, come back, eh? I just want to rape you, please!” is what the raider was yelling. Fucking weird. So, I had a long and uneventful walking journey back to the capitol wasteland after that.

~~~~~

“And that’s why I’m on a spaceship?”

“Yes,” John said, stretching. He finally finished his story. “Say, I never caught your name.”

“I have no name. You may simply refer to me as—” The man scooted out from underneath a dashboard he had been working on, “The Courier.”