If there's one thing that I've found myself to be lacking since I've arrived in Pony-Land, it's pride.
I've been steadily losing my personal supply of pride just since that first fateful day when I had to be carried to the cottage unconscious by the petite pegasus Fluttershy. Now, my little Stan-O-Meter had gone up, if ever so slightly, with that little stunt I pulled on Applejack, but of course that work was completely undone with the whole 'beaten up by a three foot tall pony' thing.
It didn't really help things after I woke up either. You see, there was a collar around my neck attached to a leash being held by a little, white, unicorn filly with a two-tone purple curly mane. She was staring intently at me and when her pale green eyes met mine; my unswollen one that is, she started jumping up and down in excitement.
"Oh oh oh! It's awake!" She tugged on the leash, prompting a gagging noise from me. "Come on! I need to show you to Rarity!"
Yeah, I wasn't exactly 'happy' with this pet treatment thing. I started to stand up, albeit slowly.
Unfortunately, she seemed to take this as an affirmative to her command as she started to tug on the leash when I was up.
"Come on slow-poke!"
At that point, I was done with her antics. I grabbed the leash and yanked it up abruptly, funnily enough with the unicorn filly in tow. She dangled in front of me.
"I hate to thay’ it-" I paused and put a hand to my aching jaw. "I hate to thay'- crap."
'Awesome, I sound like a parrot with a lisp... Screw you Applejack.'
"Whathever; I acthually don’t mind thayin’ it. I'm not your pet." Her eyes widened. "I'm Sthan; ya know, the local human of Ponyville."
She pointed the hoof not holding the leash at me.
"You can talk!"
I rolled my eyes.
‘No s*** Sherlock.’
Of course I didn’t actually say that, she was just a little girl after all.
Yes folks, Stan does indeed have a conscience.
“Yeth, I can talk. Now you thaid thomething abou’ Rarithy?”
“B-but you were making all these growly noises while you slept. And you nuzzled up against me when I put the collar on.”
Yes yes, I am notorious for my odd sleeping behavior but hey, it’s a blast at parties.
“Yeah well, I’m a weird thleeper.” I lowered the filly back to the ground and unclipped the leash. “Where did you even ge’ a collar and leath anywayth?”
She turned her head and pointed at the building behind her, i.e the one likely now stained with Stan blood. It had a sign saying-
“Leashes and Quiches. Me and my parents just got back from vacation and they gave me some money to pick something up for my sister, she loves fancy food like quiche. Too bad I spent the money on something else...”
‘Oh Leashes and Quiches, of course they have a store that sells all of TWO things that DON’T EVEN GO TOGETHER! *sigh* remember rule one Stan: Don’t question Pony-Land.’
“Ith your thister Rarithy?”
She turned back towards me and smiled, hopping up and down excitedly.
“Yup!” She suddenly frowned in confusion. “Wait, how do you know Rarity?”
“Well, the mare’s been thrying to jump my bones thince-”
“What does ‘jump my bones’ mean?”
She interrupted.
‘Right, filly, young. How can I put this in children's terms...’
“It means Rarithy's been thrying to have sex with me.”
"What does se-"
She questioned, but luckily I had just enough time to put a finger to her muzzle to quiet her.
"THHHH! You can ask Rarithy abou' ith. I need to go thee her anywayth."
Her expression brightened.
"Okay! But why do you need to see her?"
'*Sigh* Children...'
Well, earlier that day prior to leaving the cottage to mess with AJ, Fluttershy had told me to stop by Rarity's later that day to pick something up and well, her up.
Yes, it's true that I didn't reject her request to go on a date, though why she wanted it to be today, that being the day after she asked, is beyond me.
Now, I didn't deny her for a number of reasons. Firstly, I felt terrible for yelling at her and making the assumption that she had taken advantage of me. Secondly, it's next to impossible to say no to her when she makes that... Face, which isn't one you'd find in your nightmares, more like one you'd find in your happiest dreams; needless to say, it was terrifying. Thirdly, I was curious to try 'fancy' pony food. Honestly their diet is ridiculous; hay, barley and lettuce with some fruits and veggies? I couldn't eat half of the stuff without getting my stomach pumped afterwards. I had high hopes for pasta, I really really wanted me some pasta.
But I'm rambling here, let's move on.
"Well, I have tuh go thee Rarithy for a dathe-"
"A date? *gasp* You're dating my sister?!?"
"Well no buth-"
"That's so great! She's been so lonely lately, last night when I slept over she kept yelling the name of some stallion named Stan while I tried to sleep."
'Okay, did NOT need to know that.'
"Stan is weird name for a pony, I don't know why somepony's special talent would be standing. I wonder what his cutie mark is?"
The little filly just would not shut up. I did what needed to be done and grabbed her muzzle with my hand.
"Can we juth get going pleathe?"
She nodded with my hand still around her muzzle and hummed out a "Mmmhmm." I released my hand and she began to trot away.
She turned back to look at me standing there.
"Come on Sthan!"
And cue facepalm.
Fact of the day: I'm great with kids.
Another equally relevant yet not 'fact of the day' fact: I don't understand kids. At all.
I'm sure that you're sitting there right now doubting the whole 'good with kids thing', especially considering that I told a little filly what 'jumping my bones' meant. Yes, that was a bit douchey, but I had just gotten a beating, courtesy of miss Applejack-a**, and woke up with a collar around my neck, wouldn't you be a bit pissy too if that were to happen?
Yeah, thought so.
Anyways, the little filly, Sweetie Belle or so she told me, had never in her life been given a piggie back ride. To say that I was taken aback by this news would be understating my feelings by an immense magnitude. Only now do I actually think about the whole quadrupedal pony thing, but thinking that Equestria's residents were jerks just made me feel a little bit better about myself.
The subject had came up when I offered, so of course I had to give the poor girl one, I mean come on who wouldn't?
It was... A bit of a mistake and a bit awkward walking through town to boot, but hey, she was having a blast.
"Sthan! It's right ahead, the Carousel one."
I grumbled at the misuse of my name, but it wasn't like I could correct her with the chipped tooth and all. I was banking on little miss star-butt, i.e Twilight Sparkle, to have a little hocus pocus to fix it for me.
We got to the front door, but I was stopped from knocking with a sudden pulling of my hair. I wish I could say I took it in stride, but honestly I yelped rather loudly and tried to look accusingly up at the little filly on my shoulders.
"No, I wanna do it."
'I'd like to see you try.'
I stood there awkwardly as the filly started to try and reach over my head towards the door. Of course, she failed, and of course I was feeling a bit smug about it.
She lowered her muzzle to my ear.
"Could you help me out a little bit?" She whispered. "Please."
I rolled my eyes, to little effect since she didn't see it.
"Well, becauthe you thaid pleathe."
I leaned forward a little bit, allowing the filly to reach the door.
"Rarity!" She knocked on the door. "Rarity! I'm here, and I brought a friend!"
There was soon some chatter followed by trotting coming from somewhere inside the home. Soon the door opened with Rarity standing there smiling.
“Sweetie Belle! How was the vacation with mother and fa-” Her mouth dropped upon seeing me. “Stan!?! My, you look absolutely horrendous.”
“Why thankth-”
“And you chipped a tooth? What did you do, dance with Pinkie Pie? Come in, I have just the thing.”
I ducked my head to keep Sweetie Belle from hitting the door-frame and walked inside. She was being awfully quiet; I was a bit confused about it until her head popped up -or rather down- in front of mine as she leaned over me and craned her neck to look at my face. Her smile was comically large at this point.
“You’re Stan?!? Oh my gosh! You and my sister will date and get married and have seven foals and-”
“WE ARE NOTH DATHING!”
She frowned a bit and brought her head back up away from mine.
“Not yet...”
She said to herself.
I had no idea what she meant by that, but I didn’t like the sound of it at all.
“Stan dear! Come in here please.”
Rarity called from the kitchen.
“Stan’s here!?!”
There was a familiar voice calling my name out from somewhere else in the house, but I chose to ignore it.
I filed into the kitchen to find Rarity standing next to a table with a half-empty vial floating in her aura nearby.
“Stan, drink this.” She floated it in front of my face. “And do please let Sweetie Belle down.”
I reached over my head and pulled the grappling unicorn off my neck, setting her on the floor while she whined “Aww” all the while.
The vial levitated in front of me, but I just looked at it suspiciously.
“Well?”
Rarity said.
“Thorry for being a bit uneathy, but I was drugged rethently and-” The vial whacked against my head. “Fine...”
I reached out and grabbed the vial, her aura dissipating as I pulled off the cork.
‘Whelp, if this knocks me out I might be arrested for murder tomorrow.’
With that thought, I chugged all two ounces of the fluid. It tasted a bit...odd; salty and not entirely unpleasant, but far from being something ‘fruity’ as I would've expected.
"The hell!"
I dropped the vial as my mouth started tingling strangely. I felt my chipped tooth expand, slightly painfully, to fill in the chipped gap. I reached a shaking hand up and felt my newly grown incisor.
"What in the hell was that?"
"Why it's just a little potion I had Zecora whip up for me last time Sweetie Belle-" She glared accusingly at the little filly, who shrunk under her gaze. "-decided that her 'special talent' must be base jumping."
"Hey!" Sweetie Belle shouted indignantly. "I had a cutie mark for a whole week afterwards!"
"That was a bruise darling, you landed on a rock."
"How was I supposed to know that rocks were 'in this season for exterior decorating'?"
'That... Was actually a pretty good imitation of Rarity.'
"Excuse me." The two ponies looked back at me. "This bickering is interesting and all, but I still have a black eye and I'm supposed to be going on a date this evening."
"Oh, of course!"
Rarity trotted past me and out of the room.
She quickly came back with a dripping wet tea bag floating next to her.
"I know that this is no remedy, but it will at least get the swelling down." She floated a piece of ribbon towards her and deposited the tea bag onto it. "For the bruising I'm afraid that I'm going to have to resort to some mineral foundation."
The ribbon wrapped around my head, blinding my black eye and making me wince.
"And by mineral foundation you mean makeup."
Rarity blushed.
"Why umm... Yes, I was hoping you wouldn't know that."
I waved a hand dismissively.
"Not like I have much choice now do I. Don't want to look like a racoon after all."
“Sweetie Belle? Could you fetch my makeup kit please?”
Sweetie Belle didn’t even offer a reply before sprinting out of the room and running up the stairs. As soon as she was gone, I glared at the white mare still in the room with me.
“What are you playing at huh? Yesterday you pulled a Flutters and tried to...you know what with me, and now you’re helping me and her get ready for a date?”
She stuck up her snout and walked past me out of the kitchen; I followed after.
“I’m afraid that I don’t recall any of that.” She stopped suddenly. "I faintly remember somepony touching my horn..." She shivered as a faint smile came onto her face accompanied by a light blush. "Before and after that is a bit fuzzy."
"I don't believe any of that bullsh-"
"Rarity! I found it!"
Sweetie Belle came running down the steps with a handled box in her mouth.
"-oveling ice cream."
The filly dropped the box at Rarity's hooves and looked up at her.
"Fluttershy is upstairs in your room waiting for you."
Rarity levitated the box up and onto the coffee table in front of the couch.
"Yes yes, I better deal with her first; it’s impolite to keep a lady waiting." She turned towards me. "Stan, just leave that ribbon on for a moment while I deal with Fluttershy."
She gestured towards a couch.
"It shouldn't be more than ten minutes, and I actually have something for you as well. Sweetie Belle, would you please keep Stan company?"
"Okay!"
'Kill me now...'
Rarity froze midway up the steps.
“Oh, and Stan?”
I looked up at her as she turned her neck to look at me out of the corner of her eye. She had a mischievous smile on her face.
“I don’t know what you were doing before you got here, but it’s probably best that you remove that collar. Don’t want to give Fluttershy the wrong idea, now do you?”
"-and then, Fluttershy came along and used her stare on the cockatrice-"
'Tee hee!'
Immaturity; it makes the world go round.
"-and it turned Elizabeak and Twilight back from being stone!"
Sweetie Belle said excitedly.
'I pity the poor creature. No one should have to see those... eyes.'
"That's quite the story Sweetie Belle. You must-"
"Stan darling! Could you please come upstairs?"
Rarity called out.
"Err, excuse me Sweetie."
I got up from the couch, much to Sweetie Belle's 'Aww’ing displeasure.
"Aww...But you never told me the story of how you got here."
She pouted and gave me a pair of puppy dog eyes that could give Flutters a run for her money.
"Maybe next time."
She kept on pouting, but didn't say anything else as I made my way up the steps and into Rarity's room. Well, at least I tried to make my way into her room.
The door slammed right in my face as I was stepping through.
"One moment! You can't see her just yet!"
I held my aching head.
"Then why in the hell would you call me up here?!?"
"Stan? Do you know the meaning of 'one moment'?"
"Well yeah but-"
"Then one moment please!"
'Well that was rude.'
I waited outside the room as some scuffling and whispering came from the door. After what I would say was two moments, the door was opened by a smiling Rarity as she gestured for me to come in. I obliged and looked around the room.
"Where's Fluttershy?"
I asked, although a surprised *meep* from behind a curtain answered that question.
"Why Stan, we can't spoil the surprise just yet; I still need to give you your clothing for this evening." She looked expectantly at me.
"What?"
I asked.
She scoffed as her horn began to glow. The ribbon around my head shifted and soon covered both of my eyes.
"Is this really necessary?"
"Why of course dear, I want to gauge your reaction."
I waited for just a moment while the telltale sound of moving fabric met my ears. It wasn't long before the ribbon was completely removed from my head and the blinding sunlight met my eyes, stinging them a bit.
"I'm not usually one for theatrics-" That was absolute BS by the the way. "-but this is where somepony would say..." Something levitated in front of my face. "Ta-da~!"
A blue shirt floated in front of me coated by Rarity's aura, the style was familiar; it looked scarily similar to something from Earth called-
"Spandex? You made me a spandex shirt for a fancy dinner?"
She blushed in embarrassment.
"I prefer to call it Standex. I don't know if you remember this, but I promised that I would craft you an ensemble that would accentuate your physique."
'Well, victory achieved.'
"For a fancy dinner."
I deadpanned.
She pouted at me in response.
"Your mannequin's top half went missing earlier this week, there wasn't much else I could craft without its dimensions."
"Yeah yeah, whatever. I guess you ponies usually go out in the buff anyways; that's worse than this."
"I'm not sure what that means, but we still have one important thing to do before the big unveiling!”
Her voice nearly squeaked with excitement.
She levitated the shirt over to me and slung it over my shoulder.
“Fluttershy, we’ll be back in a moment. Come on Stan.” She walked to the door and gestured me over to her with her hoof. “We don’t want her seeing that black eye. You know how she can get.”
She whispered.
The image of a burning barn appeared in my head; I smirked a bit at the thought, but knew that it wasn’t for the best.
“Yeah, you’re probably right...”
I couldn’t help but have a little disappointment in my tone.
Rarity looked at me strangely before trotting out of the room and down the steps, at this point I’m sure that you can assume that I followed after, so I won’t bother saying it.
That made no sense whatsoever.
Well idiocy aside, we made our way downstairs to find Sweetie Belle smiling sweetly on the couch. She opened her mouth, but was shushed by Rarity.
“Now Sweetie, I’m going to need to focus here. Putting on a mineral foundation-”
“You can just call it makeup ya’ know, I’m perfectly aware of what it is.”
I interrupted.
She rolled her eyes.
“-Putting on makeup is a very serious task that shouldn’t be taken lightly. One wrong move and I may have to start all the way over.”
She dramatically stated.
‘Not one for theatrics my-’
“Okay! But can I watch?”
“Only if you stay perfectly quiet.”
Sweetie Belle made a zipping motion with her hoof across her mouth and sat down on her haunches next to the couch.
“Stan, will you please put your shirt down, we don’t want it to get dirty.” The box opened in front of me as I sat down on the couch, setting my shirt next to me; a brush and a tan makeup container flew out of it and in front of my face as she set about fixing my eye.
“I see that the swelling has gone down significantly.”
I would’ve responded to that, but a thought was stuck in my head that I couldn’t get rid of.
“Why exactly do you have a skin-tone shade of makeup?”
She stared intently at my eye with a determined look on her face as she worked. She stopped for a moment to respond.
“Every once and a while a pony comes in wanting to spruce up their features along with their new clothing; I must be prepared for everything, though I pity the poor pony that has to live with such a hideous shade of-” She noticed my unamused expression. “OH! But it looks simply ravishing on you darling.”
“Just finish so I can get the hell out of here.”
She kept on dabbing the brush around my eye, occasionally floating a different shade of makeup out of the box and next to the brush. She clearly disliked the tension permeating the room as she attempted to bring about a conversation.
“You used a phrase earlier upstairs; what does it mean exactly?”
“What? In the buff?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“It means to go out naked.”
“And what exactly does naked mean?”
‘...You’re joking...’
I guess it made sense; they’re nude nearly one hundred percent of the time after all.
“Well, right now you’re naked.”
Her eyes widened as she jumped back in surprise.
“I am!?! Oh my Celestia, how do I stop?”
You know, I really really wanted my face to become better acquainted with my palm; they were long lost friends after all, but with the makeup and all... I just reserved myself to running a hand through my hair with a sigh.
Of course, that was when Sweetie Belle decided to finally pipe up.
"Am I naked too?"
"Yes, but-"
She suddenly shrieked at the top of her lungs and started running in circles, prompting me to cover my ears.
"Get it off me! Get it off me!"
"Sweetie Belle." She kept on screaming as Rarity and I ground our teeth. "Sweetie Belle!" Still ignored. "SWEETIE BELLE!"
I stood up abruptly and picked the filly up. She continued to run and scream, but her legs were dangling in the air so she didn't actually go anywhere.
"IT MEANS YOU AREN'T WEARING CLOTHES, THAT'S IT!" I set her back on the floor. "Now please just sit still and be quiet while I get my eye fixed!"
She had stopped screaming at this point and looked up at me with a sheepish smile.
"Hehe... Sorry..."
Rarity tapped my leg and levitated a small mirror in front of my face.
"I actually finished right before Sweetie had her little 'episode.' What do you think."
I looked lazily into the mirror.
"I look the same."
I said in a monotone voice.
Rarity's lip trembled.
"Which means you did perfect!"
Rarity looked at me with a raised eyebrow and an unamused expression.
"Umm... Rarity? I heard some screaming, is everything alright?"
All our gazes shifted to the staircase where Fluttershy stood in all her glor-
‘HOT DAMN!’
Okay, please forgive me. I don’t know how in the hell it happened without breasts or a non-hair-covered butt, but Jesus Christ did that pony look good.
For the record, the whole ‘furry’ movement back home scared the crap outta me, but the strange bout of xenophility that hit right about then... It confused me to say the least. Luckily, without anyone there to judge me, I could temporarily shrug it off. Plus, I still technically wasn’t ‘dating’ a horse, I was just going on a date with a horse. If or when the whole dating thing happens, then you have permission to murder me in my sleep.
I’m sure you want a description, and I’ll give ya one, but realize that you just had to be there.
Fluttershy was wearing a- well, a cloak of sorts that wrapped around her neck and draped back onto the rest of her body, albeit with holes for her wings of course. My assumption is that it’s the pony’s version of a dress. It was shade of cyan similar to her eye color that darkened as it went up from the end; a curved, cloud-like stitch running horizontally across it serving as an indicator of the changing shade. The lighter end had white sparkles; almost star-like in appearance, sewn into the fabric. It was laced around the edges with decorative leaves of varying shades of green that all met at the neck, where a butterfly clasp kept it around her form. Her hair was made up into a seemingly shortened, curly style that removed her bangs and thus her ability to hide behind them; something I’m sure she’d love to do right now consider I was mentally undressing her with my eyes. To my disappointment, with the clothes off she looked just like Fluttershy, which really shouldn’t come as any surprise honestly. I want an explanation as to why and how a pony looks better clothed versus being naked; I mean they gallivant around in their birthday suits all day, but seriously how does this make any sense at all?
“I’ll take it that you like the dress?”
Rarity spoke.
I only let out a grunt in reply.
Fluttershy fluttered- *ahem* Fluttershy moved her wings excitedly and flew down the steps, landing in front of me to give me a hopeful expression.
"Do you really like it?"
"Uh... Yeah?"
I was still a little dazed by the whole ‘I’m finding a pony sexy’ ordeal; I couldn't complete more than two syllables at a time.
"Oh I'm so happy, I could just-" She shook in place, almost looking like she'd explode before letting out a near silent "yay!"
She trotted to my side and rubbed up against me slightly.
“We should get going. I mean, if you want to that is...”
“Yes, you two should be on your way. I made that reservation at Hoofingdale’s for Six o’clock and it’s already Five Thirty.”
Rarity piped up.
“Buh- deh- uhhh...shirt!”
I left Fluttershy’s side and stumbled over to the couch to grab my-... The stuff was literally blue Under Armour, so that’s what I’m going to call it. Anyways, I grabbed my Under Armour and began to struggle to get it on; if you’ve ever worn the stuff you’d know what I’m talking about. After a few moments of struggle and feeling all eyes on me, I walked back over to Fluttershy and... Yeah, that’s it. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do! On earth you could grab a girl’s hand or something, maybe even place a reassuring hand over her shoulder; the three foot tall quadruped in front of me on the other hand... I had nothing.
As if sensing this turmoil, she looked up at me with a smile and reached her foreleg out to grab my hand with her hoof. She pulled away after making contact, but I reached back to grab her hoof myself; there was no way I was leaving this place without a security blanket.
She blushed slightly and turned back to Rarity.
“Thank you for the dress Rarity, I’ll be sure to drop by again to pay-”
“Please darling, I couldn’t accept any payment from you. Just please tell all of your onlookers who made that fabulous ensemble -”
“Rarity did!”
I blurted out.
She looked at me with a quirked eyebrow.
“Yes...Stan...You on the other hand, for your shirt that is, may have to offer me something-”
That brought me back to Equestria.
“Oh hey! Would you look at the time; let’s get going Flutters!”
I started to literally drag the pegasus out of the door.
“Bye Rarity! Bye Sweetie Belle!”
“Umm, bye you two...”
“Bye Stan! Bye Fluttershy!”
Sweetie Belle gleefully replied.
Rarity didn’t respond, but slowly made her way following us to the door. By the time Fluttershy and I made our way down the path, I felt her gaze on us.
‘I swear, if that pervert is checking me out again I’ll-’
I looked over my shoulder. Not to my surprise, she was indeed staring and biting her lip to hide a smile. However; to my surprise, she wasn’t looking at me- she was looking at my yellow companion trotting happily next to me. More specifically at her... Flank.
I was confused, I was creeped out and I was ever so slightly envious for some odd reason. I dashed the thought away, thank god, and attempted some small talk.
“So -uh Flutters?”
She looked up at me while we walked along to the restaurant.
“Yes Stan?”
“Is Rarity gay?”
You'd be surprised by just how little Fluttershy knows. I'm not saying that she's stupid; far from it in fact, I find her to be quite intuitive when she allows herself to be. I am however saying that her apparent shyness really keeps her from seeing the big picture.
Needless to say, she didn't know Rarity's sexual orientation.
That fact frightened me a little bit; she had clearly shown her interest in me after the big break up- *ahem* big fight between me and little Flutters, and that’s not mentioning the whole...’Yelling my name’ thing that Sweetie Belle overheard, but I know for a freaking fact that she was checking out Fluttershy's goods when we left. It was a confrontation for the future, but an inevitable one I'm sure.
But enough about that, I'm sure your curious about this expectantly awkward date I was having.
"So umm... What do you do for a living Stan?"
'This is going to be a long dinner...'
Hoofington's was a nice medium sized restaurant located on the outskirts of Ponyville; being the only fancy restaurant within any achievable range by walking in Ponyville, naturally it's quite popular. As of yet, I had no idea if this popularity was well founded food-wise, but I had high hopes. We were sitting at a small table for two in the near center of the restaurant surrounded by the other bustling dates going about their business eating and whatnot. Just a quick correction: she was sitting, I on the other hand being a larger-than-pony human didn't have such a luxury. They gave me a stool that worked ever so slightly better, but I was still almost squatting more than sitting.
"I'm fairly sure I've mentioned this before. I don't exactly do anything right now as I'm sure you know."
She blushed and looked away from me.
"-But I used to work for the IRS as a general tax consultant, I'm like a human version of Turbo Tax."
I explained.
Unsurprisingly she was quite confused.
"Umm... What's the IRS and what's Turbo Tax."
"Let's just say that I do math dealing with money and forget about explaining all that nonsense."
"O-okay, if that's what you want..."
"Fluttershy." I said frustratedly "I'm supposed to be a gentleman here, if you really want an explanation here I can offer it."
She pouted at me.
"But I'm supposed to be a gentlemare and do whatever you want me to do for you to feel comfortable, I read about it in a book."
'A book... Something tells me that-'
"This is your first date isn't it?"
She blushed and looked away again. I let out a sigh and reached a hand under her chin to make her look at me.
"Look. You don't need to be a gentlemare, you're already a gentle mare, that's enough for me. And pray tell, was this book written by a mare or a-"
"Stallion."
She finished.
"There's your first problem, I don't know how you ponies do dating, but I'm sure as hell not following your rules-"
"Excuse me miss and err- thing, may I interest you two in an appetizer this evening?"
The waiter interrupted.
He was a white stallion with a black mane, quite boring to look at I must say; he wore a red vest of sorts and had his mane slicked back into an almost Elvis-like fashion. His cutie mark, formerly known to me as a buttoo before Fluttershy explained to me their significance, was a platter. I could only imagine how much that would suck.
"No thank you, I-I'll just have a salad."
Fluttershy briskly replied.
I gave the stallion next to our table a scrutinizing look.
"FYI: Man, not thing. As for the appetizer, I'll agree with Fluttershy on this one and pass. As for my order, please tell me you have spaghetti or things might get a little ugly in here."
I wasn't exactly being menacing, but the stallion sure took it that way as he backpedaled a bit.
"Yes yes we do, I'll get that right for you, goodbye!"
He spoke at a million miles an hour before quickly getting the hell away from our table.
"Stan. That wasn't very nice."
I rolled my eyes at the mare.
"I was kidding, it's not my fault that the guy can't take a joke." I furrowed my brow. "And he didn't even ask us what we want for drinks, what's up with that?"
She rolled her eyes and gestured towards her water glass.
'First she's shy then she's judgemental... Heh. Shy, judgmental, gone.' I looked at the pegasus as if expecting her to disappear. 'No such luck.'
"But that's water, what if I want win-" She raised an eyebrow at me. "Okay, good point, but what if you wanted wine?"
"Well I don't."
"It's the thought that counts and that guy didn't think about it. Hope he's not expecting a tip."
I stared at him with narrowed eyes as he waited another table.
Fluttershy cleared her throat to grab my attention, she was holding a small bag procured seemingly from nowhere. She jangled it around to bring my attention to the coins inside.
'Oh... Yeah.'
As I'm sure you probably are aware, I have no money in this place. Luckily for me, Fluttershy was pretty much loaded; not like Bill Gates loaded but like 'living in Beverly Hills' loaded. It has less to do with her actual income and more to do with her lack of spending it and being extremely money conscientious. Oh and a trust fund, but she doesn't touch that or share any information regarding it, or her parents for that matter. No idea why.
“You would pull the ‘Stan is a freeloader’ card.”
Her pupils shrunk and she shot her forehooves out to swing them back and forth in a ‘no no no’ manner.
“Oh! I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant at all!”
Her hoof suddenly whacked against her cup making her ice cold water spill, fortunately for the girl, away from her and her nice dress. Unluckily for me, the universe decided that it just flowing off the table and not hitting anyone simply wasn’t possible. So it’s only natural that the water was sent directly in my direction, more specifically on the crotch of my pants.
I stood up abruptly in surprise.
“JESUS CHRIST! COLD! COLD! COLD!”
Listening to my stupid human instincts, I began wiping my hands against my pants to try and get the water out, naturally that didn’t do anything at all.
“OH NO!”
Fluttershy grabbed the cloth napkin from her side of the table in her mouth and stood up to run over to me. I quickly found her face buried in my crotch as she attempted to soak up the water. I jumped backwards and put a hand against her head to keep her from advancing towards me; she sure as hell resisted.
I took a deep and shaky breath.
“I-It’s fine Fluttershy.”
I grabbed the napkin in her mouth to pull it away. She tugged back, refusing to release it.
“Buth it's my faulth, I can helpf!”
She said muffled through the napkin.
“Sit back down!” I said with gritted teeth. “We’re making a scene.”
The restaurant around us had gone silent to watch our little show; there were more than a few disgusted looks being thrown at the poor little pegasus in front of me.
Fluttershy released the napkin and blushed profusely, attempting her age-old trick of hiding behind her mane to little effect. She ended up lowering her head and walking slowly back to her seat, cowering under the gazes of the strangers watching her go.
I dabbed my pants a little bit, but it wasn't really working out that well. Eventually I just sat down across from Fluttershy chuckling awkwardly.
"Well that was interesting."
I said half-amusedly, half-embarrasingly as I wiped some of the water off the table with the napkin.
Fluttershy lifted her head up from the table to look at me, tears threatening to flow from her eyes.
'Crap.'
"I-I can't *sniff* do anything right..."
I reached a hand across the table and put a hand on her- well, I guess it's still a shoulder. Anyways, I'm no Dr. Phil but I still tried my best at comforting the poor girl; I could only guess that this date wasn't exactly going the way she had planned it, and it only just started.
"Fluttershy... Please don't worry about it, I'm fine aren't I?" She looked up at me smiling at her. "Please don't cry, I-"
'I'm going to regret saying this.'
"-hate to see pretty girls cry."
That statement wasn't entirely blasphemous but don't expect to get it in writing. Wait... What?
Her expression brightened and her eyes sparkled with wonder at my words. I'm not being sappy or overly-descriptive here; her eyes were legitly sparkling, though it was probably because of the tears. It was then that I realized that this was the first time I had called the mare pretty.
'So much for not getting her hopes up.'
"Y-you think I'm pretty?"
She said breathily, slightly louder than a whisper but just enough to be heard over noise in the restaurant.
'Think Stan think!'
"No! I mean yes! I mean, for a pony I think you're kinda-"
'This is not helping me.'
Apparently my semi-confirmation was enough for the pegasus as she beamed at me, her wings ruffling excitedly behind her back. I can't help but wonder what sort of connection those things have with her emotions.
"Oh that's so wonderful!" She had absentmindedly started to levitate slightly over the table. "I mean umm..." She landed back in her seat. "That's nice- of you that is."
"Yeah yeah, don't get too inflated."
She tried to force her smile down a bit but it didn't exactly work that well, she still looked like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck.
"Excuse me madame and... Man, but your dishes are ready."
The waiter had snuck up on us and had placed the platter holding out dishes on the still damp table.
He looked questioningly at us; Fluttershy lowered her head and I gave him a 'please don't ask' look. Redignifying himself, he grabbed the still tipped over cup off the table.
"Please, do enjoy the meal. I'll get another cup for you my dear."
Fluttershy didn't respond to the expectant waiter, still embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I jumped in.
"Yes, thank you."
He walked away as I reached towards the salad on the platter and placed it in front of Fluttershy, soon grabbing my own spaghetti dish as well but not without noticing some slobber on the edge of the platter.
'Okay eww. This waiter isn't getting a tip even if it kills me.'
"Stan? Anything wrong?"
I noticed that my face was scrunched up in disgust, but I didn't do anything to stop myself.
"Just poor service, nothing more."
She looked at me with pursed lips and a judgmental look but didn't say anything.
'Okay, food’s here, moods are up, time to drop the bombshell question.'
"Fluttershy? I have an important question to ask if you don't mind."
She placed a bite of lettuce in her mouth before looking up at me expectantly.
"What can you tell me about Stanley?"
Her eyes widened as she swallowed her bite, obviously down the wrong pipe if the sudden choking cough was anything to go by. Believe it or not, Fluttershy can even make a cough sound dainty; I wish the same could be said about what causing the cough. The leaf suddenly flew out of her mouth and came sailing at my face but with how the evening had been going thus far, I was ready for everything and tilted my head to dodge it like a boss.
“Madame, are you alrigh-”
A *splat* noise was heard behind me as a look of horror crossed Fluttershy’s face. I looked over my shoulder and saw the jerk of a waiter staring cross-eyed at a chunk of green stuck to his forehead.
“PHHHT! HA!”
‘How’s that for a tip you douchebag!’
I just couldn’t help it! I disliked the guy from the moment he called me ‘thing’.
He blushed profusely and reached a hanky that he pulled from his pocket towards the intruding chunk of lettuce and wiped it off. He lifted his head high and trotted towards the restroom, only stopping to drop the hanky in the garbage.
Grinning like a madman, I brought my gaze back to Fluttershy who was again hiding her face from the restaurant by putting it against the table.
My grin lessened slightly, as I rolled my eyes.
"Fluttershy, that was awesome!" She moved slightly but didn't lift her head up. "How could you not think that was amazing?"
I held a fist out.
"Come on, put it here."
She lifted her head up and looked at my fist.
"B-but I embarrassed myself and that poor waiter, how can you be happy about this?"
"Because that stallion was a jerk that had it coming."
She looked confused at me as I shook my fist back and forth.
"Fine, if you don't want-"
I started to pull my fist away but it was suddenly hit by a hard object. Fluttershy sat there smiling weakly with her hoof against my hand. I resisted the urge to shake it out; quite honestly, hoof bumping was scarily similar to punching a rock, but that's to be expected.
"Good, I'm glad you finally agree with me."
"Umm... I don't, but it would've been rude to refuse."
She replied.
"Fair enough. But back to my question..."
She looked away from me, clearly knowing exactly what I was referring to.
“About Stanley, wha-”
“How do you know who Stanley is?”
She interrupted.
“A dream. That doesn’t matter though, what can you tell me about me- him, whatever.”
"W-well, I guess the first time that I met..." She paused. "Do we have to do this?"
"No, but I'd really like to hear it."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh good I was worried that-"
"Fluttershy..."
I growled.
She pouted at me but still continued.
"I-I don’t know where Stanley came from but...I guess I met him that night after your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party.”
She stopped for a moment as if afraid to go on.
“Please continue, I won’t interrupt.”
I grabbed the fork from my side of the table and took a bite of spaghetti. Resting my elbows on the table, I gave the pegasus my undivided attention.
“O-Okay...Well, you fell unconscious after a sip of cider and-”
“Already knew that.” She looked at me with a sad expression. “Oh right, no interrupting. Carry on.”
“Anyways, I-I tried to carry y-you home but you were really heavy and-”
‘Ouch, that was a hidden insult.’
“I accidentally dropped you...When you hit the ground y-you woke up and had this...accent and were really...Nice.” She took a deep breath. “I-I thought it was just the cider o-or you were finally warming up to Ponyville but you were so...Romantic.”
Her eyes glazed over as she looked at me dreamily. I snapped my finger in front of her face, bringing her back to Equestria. She shook her head as her pupils shrunk.
“Oh! Sorry!”
I rolled my eyes and made a twirling gesture with my hand for her to continue.
“Y-You treated me so nicely and were” She gulped. “being so affectionate.”
I didn’t want to know what she meant by that.
“And that night...”
Aaaaand her eyes glazed over again.
I took the time to take a bite of spaghetti before literally snapping her out of it again.
“O-Oh! Umm...Anyways, the next morning I was so confused and a little...Angry that you didn’t remember anything, I finally thought I was making progress and that you loved me back and it turned out to be nothing!”
Her volume steadily increased as she put her hooves on the table and stood up, leaning towards me accusingly with a hard expression on her face.
I held up my hands defensively while I leaned away from her.
“Hey! Hey! I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
The restaurant around us had gone silent again, but she didn’t seem to notice as she sighed and sat back down in her seat.
“I thought you loved me...But it was all a lie...I was so confused with how you acted until you woke me up one night and got into bed with me. It was when you started sleeping in the guest room. You had that weird voice again and I was scared, you hadn’t acted that way before. When you tried to hug me, I resisted.” She took a shaky breath. “Y-You or h-he said ‘What’s wrong my dear, it’s me Stanley.’ I asked if you were Stan and he said no...I panicked and umm...Bucked you in the head.”
‘Hmm...Wait what!?!’
“Bucked me in the head!?! So that time that I woke up with a headache and gauze wrapped skull it was because of you!?! You told me a bird dropped a rock on my head!”
Honestly, a bird holding a rock large enough to knock me out was highly unlikely, but at that point I was still following my golden rule: Don’t question pony-land.
She flinched.
“I know! I’m so sorry...”
I put a hand propped up by my elbow on the table to my face.
“It’s fine it’s fine, please go on.”
She looked hesitant to continue but ultimately relented.
“I-It turns out that whenever you’re really umm...Tired or out of it, Stanley comes out. H-He’s come out a few times while you’ve been here, mostly when you’re really worn out and falling asleep or when I uh-”
“Drugged me.”
I finished.
She blushed.
“Yes...I was so sick of you ignoring me and I just couldn’t stand it anymore! I needed a chance to be with you and I-I thought that maybe, just maybe if you thought we umm...Did it again, you’d like me back...”
‘Wow...She’s really pouring her heart out.’
“Please don’t hate me...”
I put a hand to my chin as if in deep thought as she looked horrified at me.
“Well...You did drug me...” Her eyes were starting to water so she looked away from me. “But!” She brought her gaze back up. “I don’t hate you. Honestly, how could I? You’re the nicest, oddest and most perverted pony I’ve met!”
She smiled as her tears changed from being sad to being extremely happy.
“T-that’s the nicest thing anypony’s ever said to me...”
‘...Girl, you need some nicer friends then.’
“So how about we just forget all this nonsense and enjoy dinner hmm?”
“O-Okay... I mean umm-” She cleared her throat. “Yes, I’d like that a lot.”
“Ha! You didn’t really do that did you?”
“Umm...I did but I kinda feel sorry for the poor dragon. He was the biggest scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but I still feel bad making him cry.”
It was around eight o’clock, dinner was over, I strangely had a good time and we were only about one hundred feet away from Fluttershy’s cottage.
“Only you could make a creature one hundred times your size cry.”
“But you did.”
She replied.
I raised my eyebrow at her as we walked along.
“When you were small remember? You yelled at me...”
“Oh! Uhh...Yeah, sorry about that Fluttershy.”
We had just arrived by the front door, I reached for the knob but was cut off by Fluttershy walking in front of me blocking it.
“So Stan.”
She said
“Yes Fluttershy?”
“Would you like to come upstairs with me?”
“Well, considering that I sleep upstairs too, yes.”
She pouted at me and hit a hoof against the ground indignantly.
“That’s not what I meant!”
I ran a hand down my face.
“Yeah, I know what you meant; this is better-”
She had put a hoof against my hand and was staring at my face with a furrowed brow.
‘What is she- Oh...No...’
I looked down at my now makeup coated palm.
“Stan, what happened to your eye?”
I chuckled nervously.
“Oh you know, an apple hit me.”
For the record, that wasn’t entirely a lie.
“Did Applejack do this?”
She said icily.
“Now Fluttershy-”
“Did she!”
I sighed in defeat.
“Yes, but please please let me handle it. It was provoked anyhow.”
“And just how was it provoked?”
“...”
‘Well crap.’
Meanwhile...
“Hands...Stan...Hands...Stan...Hands YES!”
In a dark home on the other side of town, a teal unicorn was lying on the floor rocking back and forth, occasionally muttering random phrases. For some otherworldly reason, these phrases tended to involve hands in some way.
Suddenly she stopped rocking and stood up abruptly.
“Dyra! We can’t just sit in our house muttering phrases like a crazypony! We have to do something!”
The unicorn’s eyes rolled back into her head as she collapsed on the floor with a smile on her face, she quickly started rolling back and forth on the floor again.
“But hands...Imagine hands and make happy...YES!”
Her smile disappeared and her eyes returned to facing out of her sockets as she twitched there.
“B-but D-Dyra-”
Her pupils suddenly shrank as the smile returned.
“NO! Not do! Not yet! Nothing, do nothing...YES!”
The unicorn clumsily stood up, not dissimilar to a marionette being lifted, and walked/tripped over to a candle-lit corner of the room. There sat a shrine of sorts, surrounded by sticks, leaves and red candles dripping wax onto the wooden floor. In the center sat a figure; or half a figure really, it was cut roughly at the waist with tape both holding it in place on its stand (*cough* cardboard box *cough*) and keeping its right hand connected to its arm. It had a crudely drawn on face and a brown mare’s wig.
The unicorn’s eye twitched and her smile faltered at seeing the wig, but it was all she could find. Her grin returned full force as her horn began to glow and the tape was removed from the hand, making it drop to the floor. It was soon coated in a golden aura as it floated in front of her muzzle
She looked gleefully with crossed-eyes at the hand as she walked away from the shrine and towards the steps. She tripped a bit on the first step, knocking her head against the staircase and making her cheek bleed a little bit, but she remained unphased as she continued to smile and stare at the hand, now with a small trail of blood coming from the corner of her mouth.
She finally made her way clumsily up the steps and finally brought her gaze away from the hand and towards a brown door in front of her. She looked back to the hand as the door was covered in a golden glow, opening up as she walked in.
“Tonight...Hand...Me...Good time...YES!”
The door slammed, a resounding thud pinging throughout the home.