The Jerk
Chapter 29
I hate ponies. I hate Changelings. Ah, fuck it. I hate everything. You, cats, radroaches, and walking. Dear fucking god, I loathe walking. It’s literally the bane of my existence. Nevermind Super Mutants, the Enclave or the Talon Company. Walking will be the death of me. Sometimes I fantasize while I’m walking that I would find one of those broken down wrecks that used to be cars and it would somehow still work and I would go roaring across the dry dirt, at around 60-70 miles per hour, just running over raiders. Ahhh, that would be the best.
But alas, it can never happen. So I’m stuck with walkling. On our long walk from Canterlot mountain to the pony’s base, I had to stomach the incessant babbling of six ponies. They just wouldn’t stop. Hey John, did you know this? C’mon Johnny boy, just one smile! Hey John, stop calling me Skittles; I have never come closer to killing myself than I did during that walk. At one point I ditched them in the swamp, just so I could get some peace and quiet. Boy, did I regret that one. As soon as I came back they started bitching about how I “Left them for dead”.
So, skipping over all of the talking and walking, we finally arrived at the base of the mountain that held the pony’s base. How we were supposed to get inside, was beyond me.
“What do you mean you don’t know how to get inside?!” Twilight half-yelled at me.
“I mean that I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! I’ve only ever been inside of the place. Skittles, do you think you could fly up there and look for any caves?”
“My name isn’t Skittles!”
“And I don’t give a fuck! Do you just feel like sitting here until kingdom come?!” I asked, giving a waving gesture with my arms.
“Fine,” she spat out, taking to the air as she started to ascend into the clouds. There was an awkward silence that ensued after her departure, but hey, awkward silence is better than no silence. Rainbow returned shortly and shook her head as she landed.
“I didn’t find anything.”
“Okay, so that leaves two more options,” I said, sighing.
“What’s that?”
“We dig under the mountain and hope that we find the base, or we walk around the bottom and hope we find something.”
“Why can’t things ever go smoothly?” Rarity asked with a groan. She was walking on her own now, and I had an nagging suspicion that she could have all along.
“Now,” I responded, ”you’re speaking my language.”
We started another trek, and the six ponies started to try to talk to me again. I ground my teeth silently, trying to ignore their nagging voices as I looked for some sort of opening to signal the entrance.
“Hey Johnny boy?” Pinkie asked. I tried to ignore her and focus on walking.
“Johnny?”
“What?” I asked, trying not to lash out.
“What are we looking for?”
“I don’t know. Anything that looks like it could get us into the mountain.”
“Sort of like that over there?”
“Like what?” I asked, turning around to look at her. She was pointing at a hole in the ground with a staircase leading downwards. “Why is there a staircase in the middle of the swamp?”
“I don’t know Johnny, but I bet that it’s some sort of super-duper secret entrance!” she said happily, bouncing over to it.
“If it’s a secret entrance, why is it in plain sight?”
“Duh, because no one would ever think to look there!”
“You ponies are stupider than I thought.”
“C’mon Johnny, just give a try! I’m sure the stairs lead somewhere!” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose for what must have been the hundredth time in pony-land.
“Fine, FINE! We’ll take the stupid stairs. Least it beats walking around the mountain...”
The six ponies trotted, flew, and hopped over to the staircase while I lingered behind, muttering curses at them.
“Hey Johnny, I think this actually goes somewhere!” Pinkie said joyfully, which was only succeeding in making me angrier.
“No shit it goes somewhere...” I said, then added under my breath, “You little pink shit...”
“What was that?” Twilight asked.
“Nothing,” I responded, joining them at the staircase. It led down to a dark, ominous hole that had no foreseeable end, and could be filled with unimaginable horrors.
“Well, let’s see what’s down there,” I said resignedly, turning on my Pip-Boy light and taking the first few steps before I realized the ponies weren’t following me. I turned around and saw them locked at the entrance, not willing to go any farther. “You fuckers okay?”
Rainbow Dash was the first to snap out of her trance, and she jumped into the air, and gave me a scared look.
“No way! No way am I going down there!” she said in fear, flying away from the hole. The rest of the ponies snapped out of it upon her fearful flight, and looked around oddly.
“Listen, Skittles,” I said, hoping to get it over with. I was so close to leaving, it was antagonizing. “Am I going to have to drag you down there?”
“You won’t take me alive!” she said, taking off away from the hole. I looked to the other five ponies.
“Anyone else who doesn’t want to go into the hole?” They all looked at me and slowly shook their heads... I couldn’t really see Fluttershy, but I just assumed she didn’t want to go, and that her friends would inevitably convince her it was fine.
“Do we really have to?” Fluttershy asked, as I predicted.
“No, we can just sit out here and starve to death while Celestia and the other ponies are slowly killed by Changelings.”
“Do you ever stop being so negative?” Twilight asked again.
“Nope, it’s my job. Now, if everyone is done complaining, into the hole!” I turned around, and heard the clopping of their hooves behind me. My Pip-Boy light reflected off the walls of the cavern and created strange, dancing shadows; each one swooping and laughing silently as we walked along. Creepy stuff.
“Say you guys,” I said, “when do you think Rainbow Dash will be coming back?”
“I dunno!” Pinkie said happily, as ever.
“Do you ever stop being so happy? It’s not natural.”
“I guess!” she replied with a smile that stretched her entire face. As per the usual, I sighed, pinched my nose, and tried not to strangle the ponies.
After a while, the noise of our footsteps began to rebound back to us, in the strange echo thing that caves do. It wasn’t long after that that we reached a door. It looked really out of place, but then again, we came here from some stairs in the freaking swamp. Nothing about this place was ever normal.
So, I opened the “normal” door and peered around on the other side. There was a small, square room and two tunnels. I hated choices too.
“Horny, you choose a door,” I said, looking both ways in contempt.
“Aww, how come she gets to choose the way Johnny?” Pinkie asked. She was clinging to my leg, looking at me with big blue eyes. A lesser man’s heart would have shattered, but her cute gaze held no effect on me. What? It was kinda cute. You keep laughing... Hey, what was your order again? A knuckle sandwich with a broken nose on the side? Yeah, that’s what I thought...
So, I shook my leg till she finally let go, and looked at Twilight.
“C’mon Horny, we don’t have all day,” I said impatiently, tapping my leg.
“Oh, uhmm...” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. These ponies’ legs were seriously more flexible than they should have been. I mean, a horse from our world wouldn’t have been able to lift their leg more than a few feet off the ground. “Left, I guess?” she said half heartedly.
“Left it is.” So, we began our epic journey to the left. Bards will sing about it for years after my death. Not really. We came to a dead-end. Only after about ten feet actually.
“Nice job Horny,” I said, “I’m never trusting you with navigation ever again.”
“Hey!” she objected. “It’s not my fault I chose the wrong path.”
“Yes it is.”
“On what grounds?” she asked smugly, thinking she had outwitted me. Clearly, she had never faced an opponent such as I.
“On the grounds of fuck you.”
She looked at me as if I had gone insane.
“That’s not a reason!” she shouted, mane steaming.
“Yes it is,” I said, turning around and heading the other way. Twilight gave up her little argument and resorted to grumbling under her breath while we explored the second tunnel, which looked identical to the first one, except it didn’t end right away.
“Hey, Johnny?” Pinkie asked?
“What’s up Pink?”
“We never would have gone down that second path if you had chosen me to pick the tunnel!”
“Ohhh, god, why?”
“Because I have an amazing sense of direction!”
“Pinkie,” Applejack interjected, “y’all have an awful sense of direction.”
“I know!”
“Then why did you just say you did?” Twilight asked.
“So Johnny would pick me next time! Shhh, don’t tell him I said anything.”
“Pink, I’m right here,” I said, and she gasped loudly and shot up into the air.
“Oh no! He knows! How much did you hear?!” I sighed and pinched my nose again.
“Nothing... Just nothing,” I responded.
“Okie-dokie-lokie!”
Then, lo and behold, another door appeared. It looked old and beat up, but it had probably been white at one point. There was two labels on it, one was too faded away to read, but the other looked like it said “Cake Dispensary”. No really, it said “Cake Dispensary”. What? No I’m not gonna read that magazine; I can read fine you little fuck!
Anyways, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, right underneath that were the handwritten words: “Beware all who enter, for ye shall be burned!” I rolled my eyes and was about to open the door when Twilight piped up.
“Wait!” she said, worry in her voice. “What about that warning?”
“Pffff, whatever,” I said nonchalantly, waving off her concerns. She went back to glaring at me, and I opened the door. It fell onto the floor inside the opposite room.
“Well then... When life gives you lemons...” I said, entering the room, looking around. It was rectangular, and the walls were composed of rotting wood and the tiled floor was mostly pried up, revealing dirt and rock underneath. I couldn’t see the length of the room, but I heard someone chuckling.
“Hey!” I shouted, and the chuckling stopped. “You there man?”
“YAHHHHH!” Out of nowhere, a blue pony with a flame-like mane jumped out of the darkness, holding a crudely fashioned flamethrower, pointing it straight at my face.
“YOU WILL BE BURNED!” screamed the insane pony, pulling the trigger on the device only for the pilot light to go out. “Wait, why are you burning in agony?” he asked, looking at me. I got a pretty good look at him. He was really dirty, as if he had been living down here a while, and his hair was really matted down.
“Uhh... What?” I asked.
“No, no, no, no!” he started panicking. “C’mon, c’mon.” He started to fiddle with the flamethrower, smacking it furiously. “Why won’t you work!?!” he screamed at the device, and I slid around him while he was preoccupied.
“Buck!” he swore... Yes, that’s how ponies swear. He swore and tossed the flamethrower away, and started leaning on the wall, acting nonchalant. “‘Sup.”
“Are you okay?”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine.”
“What was that about burning me?”
“Oh that? That was nothing!” He laughed nervously. “I wasn’t really going to burn you! I was just kidding!”
“Uh-huh... Sure... You mind showing us the way out?”
“Oh, but uhmm... Why don’t you stay for a while? I could show you around the place and burn you.... I mean feed you. Feed! I meant feed!” he said, laughing.
“Uh yeah, no thanks. Just show us the door and we’ll be going.”
“Aww, are you sure you can’t stay? I’d love to burn you— I mean, cook you, a nice dinner.”
“What ya’ cookin’ boss?” I asked. Hey, the pony might have been insane and looking for a chance to fry us all, but I was fucking hungry.
“I got some nice rat shish-kebab going. I wasn’t really planning on having guests, but ah, I guess I can make some extras.”
I turned around and looked at the ponies following me. They looked completely terrified. It took me a moment, but I turned to face the other pony again.
“You got a name?”
“Yeah, I’m Pyromancer.”
“That explains that,” I said under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Say, Pyromancer, you got any food for ponies?”
“Oh, uhmm.... I might have some hay...” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I’d have to check though.”
“Okay, why don’t you go do that, and we’ll wait here.”
“Perfect! Oh uh, I meant, okay. Yeah, okay.” He turned and left into the darkness, and Twilight took the time to kick my leg. It actually kinda hurt.
“Ow! What the hell?” I asked, jumping away from her.
“What are you doing?!” she hissed at me. “He’s insane! We can’t stay here!”
“Hey,” I tried to reason, “I’m hungry.”
“You can get food when we find the princesses!”
“Fuck that shit! I want some goddamn meat!” I near-yelled.
“You’re willing to eat rats to sate your sick urges?” She backed away, clearly disgusted.
“Hey, that’s not the worst thing I’ve eaten, by far. Rats are really a blessing right now... And there’s nothing wrong with eating meat. Meats good.”
“I don’t care what you do anymore, we’re leaving!” she said, with vindication in her voice.
“I see, and does she speak for everyone?” I asked, looking over the group. They all nodded assents.
“Well, I guess I’ll just stick down here and eat some of these rat-kabobs. I’ll meet you guys topside. I think there’s a door over yonder.” I pointed to what looked like some glass doors.”
“Fine then!” She harrumphed and lit her horn, and soon disappeared through the door and was swallowed up by the darkness.
Not two seconds later, Pyromancer appeared, carrying two speared and well roasted rats in his mouth, and some hay on top of his head.
“So,” he said in a muffled voice, “I did manage to find some hay, but not a lot of it...” he trailed off, noticing that there wasn’t anyone else with me. He spat out the shish-kabobs and looked at me oddly.
“Where’d the other six go? I was planning on burnin— giving them that nice hay.”
“They left. Something about not eating meat. Say, can you pass me one of those rat-kabobs?”
“Sure thing!” he said happily. “It’s a secret recipe.”
I gave him a deadpan look while taking the rab-kabob from him. “It’s a rat on a stick dude...”
“So? It’s my rat on a stick...”
“Whatever man,” I said, taking a bite out of my rat.
~~~~~
“That was fucking delicious,” I said after finishing my meal.
“Really? You think so? Most ponies won’t eat meat...” he replied bashfully.
“Yeah, man. You should be a cook or something... If you don’t mind me asking, why are you down here?”
“Oh. You know, I never really thought about it... I’ve just kinda always been down here.”
“Do you know anything about Celestia or Luna?”
“Who?”
“They raise the sun and moon here.”
“Not ringing a bell.”
“Have there even been any other ponies down here?”
“Not that I know of,” he said innocently.
“Okay,” I said, running my fingers through my hair. “Why are you always trying to burn people— er, ponies...”
“This is my home... I don’t want no one else here.”
“Woah, woah, woah. I can’t help but notice that you said no one, not no pony.”
“Yeah, saying no pony would be just ridiculous.” Without warning I leaned forward and brought him into a hug. Hey, he needed it.
“You are the best pony Pyromancer.” I let him go and I saw him tearing up. For once in that whole entire fucked up trip to pony-land, I met one who I liked... What? No! No, I’m not gay! What the hell dude! I gave the fucking pony a hug! What the fuck man?!
You know what? Get the fuck off my ship. No, if you don’t get out I’m gonna punch you to death. Out, OUT!
~~~~~
Ah, there we are, much better. Where are you? Why, you’re on my ship of course! You’re here to fix it up, the last guy was being an asshole. Let’s see, where did I leave off... Oh yeah, I just hugged Pyromancer for being awesome. No, I’m not gonna start the story over to explain it.
So let’s see, I hugged him, and told him he was the best pony. I think it really touched him. I saw him tear up as I pulled away.
“Thank you,” Pyromancer whispered. “No one’s ever been kind to me before.”
I smiled and responded, “Dude, you should really get out of this cave. Do something with your life, you know.”
“I will,” he said with steely resolve in his voice. “I’m gonna leave this damn cave behind me and get out there!”
“That’s it!” After a small moments pause, I said to him, “Listen, Pyromancer. I gotta go.”
“What?”
“Yeah man, I gotta go. I have to go see the stupid princesses so they can send me home.”
“No man!” he said sadly, “You just got here! Don’t go man!”
“It’s cool guy, I’ll be back sometime, but I have to leave, this pony-land is fucking insane.”
He sniffled a little bit. “O-okay.” I got up from the dirty, rock floor and headed towards the nearby door.
“I’ll see you later,” I said with a parting wave, passing through the door. I travelled through the blackness, following a large amount of hoofprints, probably belonging to the group I was travelling with before. I reached a cobbled stone staircase and headed up, and found another door. I opened it and passed through to find myself in the familiar hallways of the pony base.
I smiled and set forward, checking everywhere. The base was eerily quiet and empty. I kept walking and started to hear commotion up ahead, in what was probably the bar room. I kept a steady pace and I found myself on the other side of the door. Quickly barging through, I found myself staring down another me, in my stealth armor, choking Celestia, and Luna and Discord magically grappling with a few other changelings.
“HEY!” I shouted, and all the commotion stopped.
“John?!” Luna shouted, only to be tacked by a changeling.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I said cockily, strolling into the ruined room. The other me looked at me with a bewildered expression on my face.
“Hey, you there, you got a couple of things wrong,” I said. “First off, there’s a scar on that arm you missed.” I pointed to the imposters arm, and when he looked down, and I grabbed it, then pulled as hard as I could, and the thing wrenched out of it’s socket. I heard the sound and tearing flesh, and the screams of the imposter, and it ripped off his body. Not a second later, green flame washed over him, revealing another bipedal changeling.
He was still screaming, looking at where his arm used to be.
“Oh, don’t be such a baby. Arms grow back,” I said casually, tossing the now black and chitinous appendage aside. I leaned in and whispered in Celestia’s ear, “No they don’t.”
“I’ll kill you!” he screamed at me, charging with his good arm, and he attempted to grab me. I sidestepped and he crashed into the ground. I looked at Celestia, who was more or less okay, trying to catch her breath. Luna was grappling with numerous changelings on the ground, and Discord was sitting in a lawn-chair eating popcorn.
“Discord, what the hell are you doing?” I asked.
“Enjoying the show. Now that you’re here, it’s gonna be all good.”
“Oh Discord,” I said cheekily, putting my fists on my hips. After the moment had passed, I looked at Luna. Still trying to get rid of the changelings. I walked up to her and grabbed two of them, and before they could react, smashed their heads together. I was about to grab another when I got hit with a punch from behind. The bipedal changeling was holding both of his hands up in a fighting stance.
“Whaddya know, I guess arms do grow back.” Right as I said that, he punched be across the cheek, and I heard a nice crack, followed by a burst of pain.
“Oh, ‘oo ‘itch!” I said. I really meant to say “You bitch” but he broke my jaw. He swung another punch and I barely dodged in time, and before he could recover, I grabbed his outstretched arm and snapped it. He screamed again. It wasn’t anything like a human scream, more like a... Robot scream? I dunno, it just sounded horrible.
So I took advantage of his moment of pain and followed with a nasty right hook and as he stumbled to the left, I grabbed his head and smashed it into the wall. It shattered into gooey green ichor, and black shards. I tell you, their heads exploding was amazing. I kinda hoped he didn’t have the ability to regenerate his head. That would be inconvenient.
I looked at Celestia, who was helping Luna with her bug problem. They looked like they had it handled. I grabbed by jaw and snapped it back into place with a loud crack, and it slowly healed once the bones were set.
“Hey Discord?”
“Yeah?” he asked, taking his eyes off the princess’ fight.
“Did you see the Elements of Harmony come up here?”
“Oh yeah, they threw a little bitch fit about me being out, and then the bugs attacked. Chrysalis and a few of her lackeys ran off with them thataway.” He tossed a thumb over his shoulder.
“Alrighty. Make sure Celestia and Luna are all good, I’m gonna go get the Elements.”
“You do that.”
~~~~~
“You’ll never get away with this Chrysalis!” Twilight shouted, despite the fact that she was bound by several strands of rope, along with her friends.
“Ah-ha! But you forget Twilight, I already have!” Chrysalis said, “Soon the princesses shall be dead, and I shall have the Elements of harmony, and I will rule all of Equestria!”
“Ugh, what happened to your face?” Rarity said, disgusted by Chrysalis’ zombie-like appearance.
“This? It is nothing! It is merely a by-product of your horrid human friend, but I have taken care of him. Soon, it will all be over!”
Twilight looked nervously at Applejack and the rest of her friends. If Chrysalis had something that could get rid of John, then there was really nothing they could do.
~~~~~
I casually jogged down the hallways. If there was one time in my life that I wanted my power armor, it was now more than ever. I might be tough, but even you know that without armor, you’re pretty defenseless.
I barged through a door and found myself face to face with a changeling. He reacted quickly, but not quickly enough before I slammed him into the ground. Dead in seconds. I looked up to see about fifteen other of the bugs rush me, and as fast as I was, I couldn’t dodge them all.
They all piled up on top of me and started biting and kicking me. It fucking hurt. I thought that I was going to die, it stopped. If you were to have looked at me, you would’ve seen a bloody, bruised, and battered thing that was barely recognizable as human, let alone alive. They hoisted me up on their backs and dragged me forward.
I could barely see anything through my eyes, as they were swollen shut, but I could make out the Elements all tied up. If I was feeling better I would have poked fun at them, but I wasn’t in the mood. I looked past them and saw Chrysalis in all her zombie-like glory.
“Oh-ho!” she laughed. “It looks like you really couldn’t take the heat.” She laughed again, a gurgling and horrid sound. “For all your effort, you’re just going to die.”
“No...” I croaked out weakly.
“What? No? Ha! You really think you can take me? In the condition you’re in?”
“No, but I can do one thing,” I said and coughed up some congealed blood and spat it in her eye. She jumped back in shock.
“Ugh! Filthy creature!” she screamed, striking my chest, and breaking any of my ribs that weren't already broken. I jerked forward and wheezed out a fresh spray of blood into the air.
“Bitch,” I coughed out, and she whipped her hoof against my face. Everything went to white and black specks for a moment, before it returned to focus.
“I will make you suffer filthy creature. I shall keep you alive and torture you every day of your remaining life,” she said sneering.
“Go to hell.” The last thing I saw was a black hoof flying towards my face, and everything went dark.