“Well, there you have it.” Said Twilight, “That's the 'what if' machine. I'm sure this experience has brought us all closer together, and taught us a valuable lesson on friendship. But I'm tired and would like to go to bed, so I'll figure out what that lesson is in the morning.”
The royal sisters exchanged a glance before Spike tentatively spoke up, “Twilight?”
“Whaaaatt?” The purple scholar whined.
Spike wrung his tail in his hands nervously before saying, “I was wondering if I could have a turn?”
“No.” Was Twilight's terse response.
The princesses looked at the purple mare in surprise.
“That seems rather unfair.” Celestia said.
“Indeed, why should young Spike not be allowed a turn?” Luna added.
Twilight sighed (she'd been doing a lot of that lately) and said, “It's because Spike has already used the machine about a dozen times already, and each time he's asked the same question: 'What if Rarity and I dated,' and the machine always shows the same exact story.”
Spike blushed redder than a tomato and attempted to will himself invisible. Celestia gave an understanding nod and said, “The events didn't turn out well I take it?”
“Well, yes and no.” Twilight answered. “It didn't exactly have a bad ending, it was more bittersweet. It would actually make a pretty good story if someone were to write it down, but after seeing it twelve times it starts to lose its charm.”
“Well, what if I promise to ask a different question,” Spike put in, “could I have a turn then?”
“That seems fair.” Celestia said.
“Verily.” Luna agreed.
The three looked at Twilight expectantly. She was outnumbered, and she was pretty sure the diarchs of the kingdom outweighed any veto power she had. Thoroughly defeated, the unicorn slunk down further into her bed and said, “Fine.”
With a grin Spike walked up to the speaking horn of the machine to ask his question. Thinking for a moment he turned back to Twilight and said, “Remember when you were working on that growth spell, and you let me keep that mustache for a few days?”
“Yeah?” The mare answered.
“And remember how it didn't impress Rarity, so I asked you to give me a beard as well?”
“Yes...”
“And you said no because it's what's on the inside that counts?”
“Oh boy.” Twilight rolled her eyes, she knew where this was going.
“My question is: What if I had a mustache and beard combo?”
The machine whirred to life, and the four sat back to watch the flickering screen.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Swag*
“Save me! Save me! Oh, won't somepony please save me!” Rarity cried, lifting a hoof to her brow.
“Shout all you want,” laughed Asterion, the evil minotaur king, “Nopony can save you now!”
“Well then, it's a good thing I'm nopony.” Came a voice from the chamber's doorway. Asterion looked up in shock, while Rarity's eyes filled with hope and adoration.
“Spike!” The unicorn cried, “Oh, I just knew you'd come!”
“Always, m'lady.” The young dragon replied. Raising the lance he held in his claws, the scaled hero charged. Asterion didn't stand a chance against Spike's strength and dedication, with a mighty blow to the face, the minotaur was sent flying across the room and out the tower window.
His enemy vanquished, Spike turned to his beloved unicorn. Rarity had swooned, and lay sprawled across the floor. Her dress was in tatters, the waist had been torn away, leaving two frayed pieces to cover her chest and haunches. The unicorn opened her eyes and smiled at her savior. Despite the trauma she had been through, her coat was its usual immaculate white, and not a hair was out of place on her beautiful mane.
“Spike.” The pony whispered, leaning up to the dragon.
“Yes, my darling?” He answered, leaning down.
“Spike.” She said again, this time louder and more urgent.
“Yes?” He asked again. They drew closer, their lips parting.
“SPIKE!”
The dragon jerked back in surprise, then his eyes widened in horror. His beautiful unicorn was undergoing a terrible transformation. Her pure white coat darkened to a shade of purple. Her curled indigo mane grew darker as well, straightening in the process. Before he knew it, his beloved Rarity had morphed into his adoptive sister, looking at him with hungry eyes.
“Spike! I need you!” Twilight shouted.
--=(O)=--
Spike jerked awake with a yell, clutching his scaly chest as his heart pounded in terror. Of all the nightmares he'd ever had, almost kissing his sister was by far the worst. The dream had started off so great too, what could have made it change so drastically?
“Finally! Come on Spike, get up. I need your help.”
Well, that answered that question.
Spike glared at his employer, having quickly repressed the imagery of his dream. “Geez Twilight, did you really have to wake me up so early?”
“It's noon, and yes I did.” Answered the unicorn. “I need you to help me test a spell.”
Spike rolled his eyes, but quickly climbed out of his basket anyway. A guy doesn't become a number one assistant by sleeping on the job. Besides, testing new spells was interesting sometimes (the half-orange, half-animal hybrids still scurrying around Ponyville were proof of that).
“Okay, what spell are we testing?” Spike asked, following the unicorn as she left the room.
“Number 25.” Twilight answered promptly.
Spike paused, “The mustache spell? I thought you already mastered that one.”
Twilight rolled her eyes as she continued downstairs. “First of all, it's a growth spell. Secondly, yes I did master it, but it requires a lot of raw energy to perform. I want to refine the spell so that any unicorn can use it, not just unicorns with high magical potential.”
“Yeah, that's great and all,” Spike said slowly, “but why bother? Don't get me wrong, the spell's great, but who really needs to perform it? I mean, having a mustache any time you want one is cool, but is growing one at will really that important?”
Having reached the main floor of the library, Twilight let out a sigh, “Spike, I keep telling you, it's not a 'mustache' spell, it's a growth spell. It can cause just about anything organic to grow, facial hair is just the most easily observed effect, which is why I use it as the test factor. The reason I want to improve it and make it available to everypony is because of the almost limitless medical benefits. Think of it: by stimulating cellular growth you could heal wounds, knit bones, and regrow damaged tissue. With enough study it might be possible to grow entire organs from scratch! That is why it's important that I continue research on this spell.”
“All right, all right, you made your point.” Spike said. “You could have told me all that from the beginning though.”
“I did.” Twilight said with a glare.
“Oh.” Spikes cheeks brightened slightly and he brushed the floor with his foot, eager to change the subject he said, “Well, I'm ready, so let's test this thing!”
The unicorn brightened, “That's what I like to hear!”
“Oh! But one thing before we start.”
“Yes Spike?”
“Could you give me a mustache and a beard this time?”
Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes, “Sure Spike, anything for you.”
--=(O)=--
The tests lasted for about an hour. After that time Twilight said she had enough data to draw up a new thaumic algorithm. Or something like that. Spike wasn't really paying attention, he was to enraptured by his new facial hair. The little dragon now sported a full mustache that warped down his lips to meet a neat, trim goatee.
Looking at himself in the mirror, the baby dragon knew he had to share his newly acquired beauty with the world, and there was one mare in particular her wanted to share it with. In his heart Spike knew this was it. This was the turning point in his relationship with Rarity. With this beard, the pony of his dreams would no longer see him as little 'Spikey-wikey,' but as the tough, rugged drake he really was.
Shouting to Twilight that he was going out, Spike sprinted through the door and into Ponyville. The change in attitude toward him was immediate. Mares and stallions stopped what they were doing and stared at the little dragon. Three Bon Bons swooned outright, and two Carrot Tops galloped to the nearest jewelers when his gaze fell upon them.
As he walked through the market Spike was met with waves and complements. Everywhere he turned somepony was offering him a treat, or an invitation to dinner. But the bearded dragon ignored all of this, his only destination in mind was Carousel Boutique, and the mare who called it home. He had almost reached his goal when a technicolor blur hit him in the chest.
Groaning and clutching his pounding head, Sipke sat up with the help of the blue hoof that was offered to him. As his blurred vision cleared, the dragon saw that the hoof was attached to a bashful looking Rainbow Dash.
“Sorry about that Spike.” The pegasus chuckled in embarrassment. “I guess I came in a little to hot.”
Looking straight at the dragon for the first time, Rainbow jumped in the air with surprise and excitement. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Where'd you get that awesome beard?”
“Huh, wuh?” Was Spikes response, still a little shell-shocked.
“Is that real?” Dash tugged on the facial hair in question. “Oh my gosh it is! How did you even grow that?”
“Twilight gave it to me.” Spike answered, starting to come back to his senses. “She used her magic to-”
“Twilight can make beards grow with magic?!” Rainbow interrupted.
“Yeah, she-”
“OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh!” The rainbowed pegasus sped off, leaving the confused and slightly concussed dragon behind. Spike stood up and shrugged it off, he knew how crazy ponies could act sometimes.
Spike managed to make it to his destination without any further distractions. He knocked on the door of Carousel Boutique and craned his neck upward so he could fully gaze upon the beauty of the magnificent Rarity. The door opened, and the dragons sight was graced with empty air. Something wasn't right about this picture. He lowered his head and saw a young unicorn filly staring at him with a quirked eyebrow.
“Spike?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Oh, hey.” His mood dropped. His plans hadn't prepared him for the advent of little sisters. Actually, his plans hadn't prepared him for much of anything, since they only consisted of him visiting Rarity, and her falling in love with him and his beard. Left with no other options, he decided to improvise. “Uh, is Rarity home?”
“Nope. She went to the library a few minutes ago.” The filly answered. “Why do you have a beard? Are you practicing for Nightmare Night or something?”
“No. It's my new look.” Spike answered. “You like it?”
“Not really.” Sweetie Belle said. “It's kinda dumb.”
“Aww, what do you know.” Spike waved a hand dismissively. He turned around and winked at a passing mare and stallion, both of whom fainted in lovestruck awe. Smirking at the filly's flummoxed expression, he began his march back to the library.
--=(O)=--
Sauntering through the crowd that now surrounded him, Spike returned home to confront his crush. Opening the door the dragon's gaze fell upon Rarity, she was lounging on a cushion in the middle of the room, her eyes filled with adoration and desire. Unfortunately, she was not looking at him. Sitting beside her, and surrounded by the rest of her pony friends, was Rainbow Dash, sporting an impressive multicolored beard.
Spike's jaw hit the floor. Dash wore a confident smirk, holding her head up high. On her right sat Fluttershy, gently stroking her new facial hair as if it were a baby bunny. Pinkie Pie had an enormous grin on her face as she nuzzled up to the flyer's shoulder. Applejack's cheeks were blazing red as she leaned against Rainbow's other side. Behind them was Twilight, a smile on her lips, but her eyes were glazed over as though she were trying to figure out why she was experiencing these new feelings all of a sudden. And there at her left was Rarity, she snaked her hoof around the pegasus' forelimb and snuggled in closer.
This was all too much for Spike. Recovering from the initial shock, he did the only thing that seemed appropriate at the time, he lifted his arms up and screamed, “FFFFFUUUUU--!”
--=(O)=--
In a corner of Ponyville's library sat a smooth-faced baby dragon with a bar of soap sticking out of his mouth.** After Spikes outburst, Twilight recovered enough of her wits to reconsider the wisdom of giving her friends facial hair. After four embarrassed mares and one disappointed Rainbow Dash left the building, Twilight sat down to write an important footnote to the growth spell.
----------------------------------------------------
As the machine flickered to a stop Celestia tried to stifled a giggle with her hoof. Luna made no such attempt and guffawed loudly. Not even Twilight could help but chuckle at her assistant while the little dragon groaned and tried to bury himself under his pillow.
“Well, I think the lesson here is to always be yourself. Right Spike?” Twilight said in her best lecturer voice.
“No. The lesson here is that Rainbow Dash is gonna steal your mare.”
* S.W.A.G.- Spike With Awesome Goatee.
** Twilight wasn't going to wash Spikes mouth out with soap, but Pinkie Pie insisted. She is very adamant about not taking the name of fudge in vain.