The Majestic Tale (of a Mad-Pony in a Box)

by R5h


Discord and the Doctor – Part 2 (a)

Vworp.... Vworp...

“Rule one! Don't wander off, not alone.” The Doctor spun a dial on the central console, rattling off rules at top speed as the TARDIS rattled and vworped off to its next destination. “Make sure you're with at least one other pony at all times. Doesn't matter who.” His five companions nodded in agreement, then clutched at the nearest fixture they could find as the ship received a particularly hard jolt. 'Don't wander off.' Like anyone ever listens to that.

“Rule two! We all need to trust each other, and to earn that trust. So if anyone needs help, give it, and if you need help, ask. Understood?” More agreement from the other five. The Doctor toggled a switch on his side of the console, and called, “Derpy, pull the V-lever over on your side—”

“Done already, Doctor,” she replied, leaning on the console next to the lever. Using her wings for balance, she was able to remain upright despite the ship's chaotic movements. Maybe I could get a pair of wings, they look dead useful. Another jolt interrupted this train of thought by knocking him on his back. The Elements of Harmony nearly fell to the floor, saved only by the wires connecting them to the TARDIS console. On second thought, now's not the time to think about self-modification.

Vworp.... Vworp...

“Rule three, very important rule! Use your head!” He jumped back up and tapped his temple for emphasis. “The best tools any of us have are our minds. Discord's going to try to trick us, but he's not perfect. Use your head and see through the tricks!” The sound of an alarm joined the general clamor, prompting the Doctor and Derpy to dash to the scanner.

“Doctor?” called Lyra, who was wrapped around one of the railings around the console. “Why's that screen flashing red?”

The Doctor smacked the scanner and Gallifreyan text flashed onto it. He took a moment to interpret the text, then yelled back: “The TARDIS is detecting reality fluctuations at our destination!”

“What?”

“The rules of the universe are in flux where we're going! Electromagnetism, big G, Newton's laws, all out to lunch!”

“Um, laypony's terms?” Vinyl yelled, doing an impressive job of making herself heard over all the clamor.

“It's telling us nothing we didn't already know—we're entering Discord's domain! Brace yourselves!” The Doctor grabbed onto the railing as the TARDIS made its final approach.

Vworp.... Vworp... kdunk.


The Doctor stepped through the TARDIS door and was greeted by absolute chaos. The ground on which he walked was composed of thousands of cymbals; some made sounds softer than a mouse, and others crashed with the force of a sonic boom. Some quacked, and a few smelled like rotten eggs.

“Well, looks like we came to the right place.” Vinyl's nervous laugh died as she looked up to the orange sky, where a swarm of ravenous butterflies devoured a flock of birds.

“.ecalp thgir eht ot emac ew ekil skool ,lleW” She jumped and looked around for the source of this reversed echo, with no success. It seemed to come from all around them. Lyra emitted a little squeak.

“But how do we find Discord?” asked Octavia, closing the door behind her as she left the TARDIS. “He could be anywhere.”

“No.” The Doctor felt the slightest of tremors growing beneath his hooves, and started taking deep breaths. Now is not the time to lose control. “He's coming now.”

The tremors grew and grew, and in a moment the other five noticed them too. Another moment later, they could hardly keep their balance. The cymbals crashed together in complete cacophony, producing more noises and smells than the Doctor could describe. And above all this, there was the growing sound of the earth quaking, and of a familiar laugh. “Ehehehahahahaha...

Discord burst out of the ground before them, sending cymbals flying over the horizon. He swooped and looped through the air several times, then came to a rest and cackled, “Why, look who's shown up in the percussion section! It's Doc, with the only five ponies suicidal enough to join him. Hello, Lyra!” He lunged at Lyra, who squeaked and fell onto her back. Discord halted just short of her face and burst out laughing again. “Oh, it's been so boring without you ponies here to play with.”

As Lyra tried to right herself, the ground changed from cymbals to a huge mirrored floor that stretched as far as the eye could see. The ponies' legs found no traction, and they collapsed immediately, producing clear tones as they struck the floor. The Doctor ignored this distraction and inhaled slowly.

“And what's this?” Discord's attention turned from them to the TARDIS, the only thing still standing upright. “For me? Oh, it's Hearth's Warming come early! But hang on...” He picked up the box and shook it like a child with a Christmas present. “Are those...” His eyes widened, and he pulled it close to his ear to shake it once more. “The Elements? You put the Elements of Harmony in—in the—” He doubled over laughing, unable to finish his sentence. The Doctor exhaled slowly.

“You're sure you can beat him, right?” Bon Bon whispered.

“Yes, we can,” he replied.

“Oh no you can't!” Discord exclaimed as he swooped back in front of them, TARDIS gripped firmly in hand. “Because you are the gift that keeps on giving, Doc!” The Doctor managed to get to his hooves, only to fall again—but not to the ground, for now there was no ground. The six of them tumbled through the sudden infinite blue sky, the wind in their ears wiping out almost all noise. The Doctor couldn't even hear his own slow breathing.

“Freeing me from stone wasn't enough—you had to return the one thing that could stop me on a blue platter!” The only other thing the Doctor could hear was Discord's triumphant voice. “So before I go share your gift of chaos with the rest of the universe, do you have anything else for me?”

“Actually...” The Doctor spread his limbs to steady his descent, and turned his body toward Discord. He was the very picture of calm. “I've got a game for you.”


The Majestic Tale (Of a Mad-Pony in a Box)
S1E2: Discord and the Doctor—Part 2
By R5h


The Doctor whipped his sonic screwdriver out of his coat and pointed it at the TARDIS. The screwdriver's whistle pierced the rush of air, soon joined by another sound.

Vworp... vworp... vworp...

Discord's expression turned from gleeful to furious as he realized what was happening. The TARDIS was growing more and more transparent, leaving his claw was holding nothing but air. He tried to grab it with both hands, but could not stop it from fully dematerializing.

What have you done?” he yelled at the still-casual Doctor. “I DEMAND THAT YOU GIVE ME BACK MY PRIZE!

The ground reappeared underneath them—or at least it felt like ground when the Doctor struck it. In fact it was a vast ocean, frozen solid in the middle of a terrible storm. He slid down a wave perhaps a hundred feet tall, and not one of those hundred feet managed to upset his calm.

“I did warn you, Discord.” The Doctor returned his screwdriver to his pocket, a smile forming on his face. “She's been parked inside herself, which means that no one and nothing can ever return her to this universe. Or—just maybe—she's materialized in the center of the moon. Or perhaps a trillion years in the past, before there was an Equestria. Before there was even a you, I'd guess. Want to take bets on which it is?” Discord's rage grew with every possibility the Doctor mentioned, as did the Doctor' grin. This tactic is working even better than I'd hoped.

“Bring the TARDIS back to me, or—”

“Hmm....” The Doctor yawned. “No, sorry, don't think so.”

Discord snarled, but in another moment his face was jovial once more. He chuckled. “Oh, but I think we're forgetting something,” He reclined into the ground—now a huge marsh of stretchy green goo—in front of the Doctor. “You don't have to tell me how to get the TARDIS! All of your secrets are mine, remember?”

“Oh yes, of course! How silly of me!” the Doctor exclaimed, turning back to his companions. “Sorry everyone, but we've clearly lost, because he knows everything about me. Planet of origin, second favorite color, least favorite fruit—”

They were now in an endless pear orchard. “You got it, Doc!” Discord cackled, kicking the trunk of a particularly massive tree located above the Doctor's head. A cascade of pears fell out and buried him up to his neck.

“In fact, I'd bet you something else.” Despite the painful pounding of pears on his back, the Doctor kept up the jovial tone. His true feelings were very different, though; this was the moment of truth, the bet he was making for the sake of the whole planet. If he was wrong here, they really had lost.

“I'd bet you he even knows my name." His companions looked startled, as if they hadn't considered that 'Doctor' wasn't actually a name. However, he was more interested in another's reaction, so he turned around to see Discord's pointer finger raised and mouth hanging open. “Go on then, Discord, tell these people. What's my name?”

In response, Discord did nothing at all. A small gurgling sound may have emerged from his throat, but the Doctor supposed he could be imagining it.

“Ooh, that's disappointing.” The Doctor sighed, pulling a disappointed face he guessed Discord would hate. “And here I thought you could read a Time Lord's mind as easily as a pony's.”

Vinyl began to laugh as loudly as she could. Good of you to catch on like that, Vinyl. “A-pear-antly not, Discord!” She punctuated the pun by magically grabbing a fruit from the Doctor's pile and throwing it into Discord's open mouth. Discord gagged and hacked it out into a tree.

“Don't you—don't you dare laugh at me,” he choked.

“But Discord! I thought Laughter was your favorite Element!” The Doctor joined Vinyl's laughter. “Come on everypony, giggle at the godling!” The other four joined in after some hesitation, forcing the most mocking laughter they could muster and sending Discord into a blind fury.

“That's enough!” At a snap of his fingers, the six ponies' mouths turned into shut zippers, and the trees transformed into pillars of fire and ash. Vinyl immediately pulled her mouth open to continue laughing, and the Doctor following close behind. “I said that's ENOUGH!” he roared, slamming his fist into the ground, which changed into a dark landscape of crags and fog. “If I can't do this the easy way and read your mind, Doc, I'll have to do this the hard way.” Obsidian spikes started growing from the ground, making the Doctor's companions cry out in pain.

The Doctor, however, restrained himself. He danced from hoof to hoof, but his first noise was an incredulous snort. “The hard way? Since when have you ever done anything the hard way?”

The spikes stopped growing, and the Doctor pressed his advantage. “Last year, you came back, stole the Elements, and crippled their bearers—then forced them to play a game you couldn't lose. And this time? You turned the Elements AND their bearers to stone right off the bat, and set Canterlot on fire. Where's the challenge in that, Discord? Where's the fun?”

“If I were you, Doc, I wouldn't be talking back right now!” Discord snapped his fingers, and the scene changed to a burning-hot desert. The Doctor danced on the sand beneath his hooves, but didn't let the pain show on his face.

“Also, have you been counting?”

“Counting what?”

“Well, it's just that I have, and you've changed the landscape nine times in the last two minutes. No—ten times,” he amended, finding himself on a rickety bridge dangling over a crater filled with bubbling lava. “And each more uninspired than the last. I mean, a rope bridge over a volcano? Really?

Discord's anger had now moved to the impotent phase; he simply stared at the Doctor and clenched his fist. I should do this more often. It's much more fun than being all ferocious and intimidating. “Face it, Discord, you're in a rut! The world is your oyster and you have no idea what to do with it, because you took away all the fun when you took away the challenge!”

And he was immensely satisfied to see that Discord had nothing to say. “But I did mention a game earlier, didn't I?” asked the Doctor, switching back to casual. “Maybe you'd like to ask about that?”

Discord closed his eyes for a second. When they opened, he was seemingly back to his old, gleefully confident state. “All right then, Doc, we'll do this your way. What kind of game?”

“A real game, with real challenge and real stakes.” The Doctor looked Discord straight in the eyes, and saw the insane anger behind them; it was mostly buried, but not gone. How very useful. “Something like the game you played with the Elements of Harmony. A maze, some sort of trinkets we need to find—and could you get these things off our mouths?” he asked, tugging the slider on the zipper his lips had become. “You would not believe how uncomfortable this is.”

Discord pouted, but removed the zippers from their mouths. Out of the corner of his eye, the Doctor saw Octavia gingerly massage her newly-restored lips. “And do tell, Doc,” Discord requested, affecting the most mocking politeness possible and returning them to a mostly-normal Equestria. The sky was still inverted, and the black sun was moving at an alarming pace, but there was at least dirt beneath their hooves. “What exactly are the stakes of our game?”

“If we win, you restore this world to how it was before you returned, and leave. You leave Equestria for the rest of time.”

“And if you lose? What do I get then?”

“The TARDIS and the Elements of Harmony.”

Both Discord and the Doctor's companions were stunned, but Discord quickly recovered from his shock. “Gotta hand it to ya, Doc, you've got spunk!” He flew high into the air, laughing madly in anticipation of triumph. “Oh, the fun we will have!”

“Are you crazy?” Bon Bon whispered. “You can't wager the Elements of Harmony!”

“We'd better not lose, then,” he replied, watching Discord do victory loops in the sky.

“But what if we win and he doesn't hold up his end of the deal?” The Doctor did not answer her.

Discord returned to the ground and faced the six ponies with narrowed eyes. He clapped his hands together, and several things happened at once. Behind him, a massive hedge maze rose from the earth with an almighty quake. Red lightning struck from the empty sky for dramatic effect. The Doctor felt an awful pain in his barrel and fell to his knees.

“Since you've set the stakes, Doc, I think I'll set the rules. So first of all, no wings, no magic—and no extra hearts,” he added, tapping the Doctor on the head. The Doctor rolled on his side to see that Lyra's and Vinyl's horns were missing, as were Derpy's wings.

“Doctor, are you okay?” Bon Bon asked. Derpy ran to his side, not minding her missing wings, and the two of them lifted him to his hooves. He looked back up at Discord and chuckled, despite his weakness.

“What, you can't beat us....” he paused for breath. “If we can fly or use magic? The big chaos god... not up to the challenge of six tiny ponies?”

“Yeah!” Vinyl ignored her own loss and looked Discord straight in the eye. “What kind of all-powerful god needs unfair advantages? You are all-powerful, right?” she jeered. That's the spirit, the Doctor thought. Everyone has a weakness, if you can just exploit it.

Discord's a coward, Discord's a coward,” Bon Bon sang.

“Oh all right, fine!” Discord scowled, and in an instant the horns, wings, and heart were returned to their respective owners. “Wings, magic, and hearts are okay. Now, the next rule is very simple. See these?” He raised a palm, and above it appeared six familiar floating statues.

“The Elements!” Lyra cried. Discord jerked a thumb behind himself, and the six statues flew into the sky, landing in the maze a few seconds later.

“If you can find those statues, all six of them, you win and the Elements of Harmony are restored. If I can prevent you from finding any one of them, or if any one of you leaves the maze, I win. Understood?”

“Yes.” It was Derpy who replied this time.

“Then it's time for you to start on the maze....” Discord grinned. “Or rather, for the maze to start on YOU!”

The closest hedges of the maze, some fifty feet away, started growing toward the six ponies at an incredible rate. The Doctor recalled Twilight's memories; Discord meant to divide them as he had divided the Elements last time.

“Grab hold of someone now!” he yelled. He grabbed Derpy and pulled her to the ground. He saw Vinyl jump on Octavia before the hedges closed upon them, leaving him and Derpy cut off from the other four in a narrow, hedged corridor.

“Good luck, everypony! Have fun!” Discord flew into the air and vanished, cackling all the while.

“Derpy, are you okay?” Once she'd nodded, the Doctor got off of her and called to the others. “Is everyone okay?”

“Here!” Vinyl was the first to respond. “Octavia's with me!”

“Lyra? Bon Bon? Where are you?”

“I'm here!” yelled Bon Bon, her voice sounding impossibly distant—she seemed a quarter-mile away at least. “Where'd the rest of you go?”

“The maze must have pushed us apart!” The Doctor concentrated, trying to determine where her voice was coming from. She'd been a few feet away from him before the hedges reached them, but now she could be almost anywhere. “Did you feel any sensation of movement?”

“I haven't moved!” she replied. “But Doctor—Lyra isn't with me! She was right here a moment ago!”

“So this maze can separate us without our noticing... Derpy!” He realized almost too late, and turned back to look at Derpy. In the few seconds he'd taken his eyes off of her, she'd been moved about a third of a mile away, almost out of sight. She was just as surprised as he was, as she'd been examining the hedge itself, not looking at him. “Everypony, new rule! Don't take your eyes off of each other, or you'll disappear. Does everyone hear?”

“Loud and clear!” Vinyl replied, as Derpy dashed back to the Doctor's side.

“Yes, Doctor. And Vinyl, would you kindly let me up?” The Doctor heard Vinyl apologize in a tone that was less than contrite. He didn't hear Bon Bon.

“Bon Bon?” he yelled. "Bon Bon?" No response. “The maze must have moved her again!”

“Oh dear, Doc.” The hedge wall in front of him shifted and manifested itself into Discord's giant, smirking face. “Two companions lost in as many minutes. You do seem to have a talent for that...”

Discord's mouth opened wide and turned white—a terrifyingly bright white, pulling the Daleks and the Cybermen in from around the world—and pulling her in as well. She'd lost her grip on the lever and she was falling into the void. There was nothing he could do but watch and scream. “ROOOOOOOOOOOOSE!”

And suddenly it was the TARDIS, but younger than his own; it was clean and shiny white, and in pain. The Cyber-Leader had damaged it and he couldn't make her fly—but he had to. “I must save Adric!” He was a Time Lord, he could do anything—but he couldn't do that. The freighter collided with prehistoric Earth, with Adric still on board. The Doctor stared numbly at the broken fragments of Adric's gold star.

And then the TARDIS at the beginning, when he was as young and as old as he'd ever been. When he still had a family. But he'd made his choice, for better or for worse, and wouldn't let his granddaughter dissuade him no matter how much she pleaded. “One day, I shall come back... yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no tears, no regrets, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs... and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine.” And immediately, having decided, he was filled with regrets, with anxieties, with tears. He could hardly hold them back long enough to say his first goodbye. “Goodbye, Susan. Goodbye, my dear....” Did I make the right choice?

“Help!” The yell jolted him out of his memories, and back to the present. It was Octavia, screaming for dear life. “Doctor! Help us! We can't hold on much longer!”

“Somepony? Anypony?” called a clearly desperate Vinyl, from somewhere close in the maze. Where are they?

“Oh, dear.” Discord's mouth returned to just being a hedge. “They must have found one of the bottomless pits I left in here.” He affected the most exaggerated concern possible. “Clumsy old me...”

“Where are they, Discord? TELL ME!

“We're right here, Doctor!” yelled Octavia. Discord's mouth opened again, and with it the hedge behind. Through that gap the Doctor saw two pairs of hooves—two white, two gray—poking out from a hole in the ground, quivering with exhaustion.

But as the Doctor moved forward, Discord's mouth closed again. “I'm so sorry for your loss, Doc...” He grinned evilly.

“Doctor?” Derpy said.

“NO!” I won't let you take them! He dove at the hedge. He wouldn't let it happen again. He'd burst through, he'd save them—

“No, Doctor!” Derpy wrapped both forelegs around his body, holding him back from the wall. “It's a trick! There's nopony there!”

He struggled against her like a pony possessed, with all his might. “Let go of me! I won't lose them!”

“Listen to me, Doctor! There's nopony on the other side of that wall!” With great difficulty and a great deal of flapping, she pulled him over the wall. There was neither hole nor pony where they landed. “Nopony's... here,” she panted.

He came to his senses, and stopped struggling. “Oh,” he panted, feeling even more tired than Derpy. So that was an illusion too. He forced himself to calm down, then gave her a halfhearted smile. “Thanks for stopping this old fool, then.” Because sometimes I need someone to stop me. His face fell as another of his memories dredged itself up; that of an obnoxious, haughty, brilliant woman who had stopped him when it mattered most—

No. He was doing it again—letting Discord get to him with his past. That was gone now, and he had to focus on the here and now. Let go, you maudlin old fool.

Derpy saw his face falling and smiled at him. “Just promise not to off run like—” She stopped to correct herself. “To run off like that, okay? Rule one?”

He nodded and sighed. “Okay. But we are going to find them, somehow... but how?” She flapped her wings a few times. “I just need to think—we can't even see them in these narrow passageways.” She flapped her wings more insistently. “Maybe if we—”

Doctor.” Derpy rolled her eyes and jerked her head toward her still-flapping wings.

“Ohhhhhh.” After a few seconds: “Are you sure you can fly with me, then?”

“Let's find out,” she grunted, grabbing him once more and jumping into the air.


“Two hearts! Can you believe it?” Vinyl and Octavia, who had not fallen into a bottomless pit, trudged down the corridor. “Anyway, you said that you saw this Doctor guy backstage, right? What actually happened there? And what about when Discord showed up—why didn't you run away, or something? Well, I guess it wouldn't have helped—but why not warn me?”

“And come to think of it,” she continued, “why'd he even come to our concert anyway? Just so he could be on the radio and tell everypony he was back? Oh, I bet that is why! But how'd he come back in the first place—” Oh crap. She realized that Octavia had opened her mouth four or five times, only for Vinyl to cut her off. “Um, you were gonna say something?”

Octavia spoke through clenched teeth: “Why. Are. You. Talking. So. Much.

“Uh, something to do, I guess. Oh, and so you can't lose track of me, like the Doctor said.”

“I could just keep looking at you—”

And this way, you know I haven't been Discorded!” Vinyl finished.

“You'd be gray if you were 'Discorded',” Octavia pointed out. “So that's not really a good reason.”

“Hey, good point! Well, I guess it's because—”

Vinyl!” Octavia looked just about ready to burst with frustration. “Take the hint.Ohhhh. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. She shut up.

A few minutes later, she was still shut up, despite how much she hated the silence. It was eerie in the maze, not knowing where she was or where to go. Only their quiet hoof-falls broke the silence—not nearly enough noise to distract Vinyl from the eeriness. She tried imagining all the things she would say, to see if that would help. Can I please talk, please please please—I can tell jokes! The worst ones I know—those are the funniest! So a pony walks into a bar, and the bartender says “Hey, why the long face?” And the pony says... It wasn't helping.

Crack. The two ponies nearly jumped out of their skins at the sound. Then came a weird set of snipping noises, the source of which Vinyl couldn't locate for the life of her. She looked all around in a panic. I take it back! Silence was fine!

“You always do this kind of thing, you know.” Octavia broke the silence again.

“What sort of thing—”

“There! You did it again! You never listen to me, you never give me a chance to talk, you're always so insensitive, and you never say thanks. That concert we were doing? I built it from the ground up, and you never thanked me!” Did she get Discorded while I wasn't looking? Vinyl thought. She looked almost the same last time he got her... But her bowtie was still pink. It was still the real Octavia saying these things.

“And you've never mentioned anything I've done for you! All the hard work, all the money I spent—I bought you a new guitar with my money, Vinyl! My money! Just so you could have a chance of sounding decent on stage—and you never even said tha—ank you! You're a terrible friend!” Vinyl tried to respond, but she was too stunned to speak.

“You know what? Discord was right. You reall—ly have been using me just to get ahe—head. Do you have anything to say to that?” Octavia jerked her head away. Vinyl almost turned away too, but something wasn't right.

“That's really how you feel?” Vinyl asked, her mind racing. There's something wrong with her, besides the meanness. Something's up with her.... She couldn't put her hoof on it.

“Absolute—lutely.” With her voice. What's wrong with her voice? Vinyl couldn't remember the last time she'd heard Octavia stutter like that. It's almost like she's... fighting her own words. But all she had was a hunch; she had to be sure. Maybe if I tell her something really really shocking, I can force a real reaction out of her... but what?

After a few seconds of blank staring and furious thinking, she had the perfect idea and didn't like it one bit. Well, she was gonna find out sooner or later, she rationalized. “So I guess now would be a bad time to let you know that you kinda... sorta... don't have an apartment anymore?”

“Mmm?” Octavia didn't move one muscle of her body. She kept the same disdainful expression on her face, and her lips were sealed. So what's with the 'mmm'?

Vinyl circled around Octavia to look her in the eyes. “It was a dark and stormy afternoon... hang on, it was yesterday! Wow, time really flies when you're fighting Discord.” She put a special emphasis on the last three words.

“Mm-mm!” The faintest sounds of affirmation came from behind Octavia's lips. I knew it. Keep fighting, Octy.

“Anyway, dark stormy afternoon, about four o'clock, and you're out at the store doing something, I don't know what. Anyway, Derpy comes with the mail, and doesn't destroy anything, so I really should be thinking already that something's wrong, ha ha...” That was weak, Vinyl. You're better than that. “But whatever, back to the mail, let's see here: bill, bill, spam, bill, eviction notice? So I look inside—”

You opened my mail?” There was anger in those words, but it sounded forced. Octavia's eyes started moving, no longer narrowed in contempt but wide and panicked.

“Sent to my address! I thought I was getting kicked out! But no, it was for you. Your jerk of a landlord must have found out you were staying at my place before the concert, and didn't have the guts to tell you in person.”

“What do you care, anyway,” Octavia muttered, jerking her head away.

“Tavi, why didn't you tell me you haven't made rent in four months?” Vinyl moved again to look Octavia in the eyes. “I went right inside and looked at how much money you spent on the concert. I checked all the receipts for amps and lights and crew—that was way more than four months of rent. Why didn't you tell me?”

For a moment, Octavia was back. “I didn't want you to—” But then she snarled: “You wouldn't care!”

“And then,” Vinyl continued, not letting Octavia look away, “you get back about six-ish, and you've got that awesome guitar for the concert. And we joke about it, and I rib you and you rib me—you totally rib me any chance you get, don't deny it—and I don't say anything about you getting evicted, because how do you say that? After you're asleep I check the trash for the receipt on that guitar: another half a month, Octy. Another half a month's rent gone, and there you were joking around like it was no big deal. Why didn't you tell me?”

“I—you're still a—”

“Terrible friend, yeah, I know.” Octavia was in spasms, her own mind trying to fight off Discord's control. Vinyl bobbed and weaved around her just to keep eye contact. “You're right, Tavi—I never did say thank you. I forgot... no, not just that, I didn't just forget. I always figured you were... well, rich, being a cellist and playing in Canterlot and Manehattan and everywhere. I never realized how much you were giving up, but that's no excuse. So if you want to stop being my friend, that's fine, but there's something I need to say first.”

Octavia's body tried to jerk away, but Vinyl was too fast. She grabbed her friend in a tight hug and ran her hooves through Octavia's mane. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you and... and what the hell is this?” Her hoof ran into something she could not see on top of Octavia's head. It feels like a... string? No, a wire. Like a wire for a.... She looked skyward to see Discord floating high above them, holding a giant wooden cross over Octavia. Puppet.

Vinyl's magic rose with her anger. Her horn glowed bright blue, as did the invisible wires that had latched onto Octavia. But now they were visible by their outline—an outline that began to vibrate faster and faster, producing an ever-louder tone—

Until Vinyl snarled, and with a final surge of magic the strings shredded into a thousand pieces. Without the extra support of the wires, Octavia collapsed to the ground and pulled Vinyl down on top of her. Octavia gasped for breath, now that she had full control of her mouth again. A mouth that was very close to Vinyl's own.

“Well, at least some of us are having fun.” The two of them looked over to see the Doctor and Derpy wearing huge grins a few feet away.

Octavia's cheeks could have lit a stage—mood lighting, Vinyl supposed. “This isn't what it looks like—” she spluttered.

“Aww, can it be?” Vinyl interjected, making kissy noises with her mouth.

Several long seconds of silence followed; a seeming eternity of straight faces. Then Derpy's failed, and she made the tiniest little snort. Octavia giggled. The Doctor chuckled. Vinyl laughed. Before she knew it they were all laughing at the top of their lungs. Vinyl rolled off of Octavia in her mirth, but it was nothing compared to Octavia's; she pounded the dirt with her hoof in hysterics.

This seemed like odd behavior too, but after a moment Vinyl figured out why. Polite chuckles, restrained giggles, and so on were how Octavia expressed humor. I've never heard her laugh like this before. And I love it.

“No, that's COMPLETELY wrong!” The marionette's cross crashed into the ground next to them, followed closely by a fuming Discord. “You were supposed to tell DJ Wonderwub all those awful truths, and you were supposed to believe them and give up on your friendship! What kind of lousy puppets are you?” Vinyl barely heard him, and doubted Octavia had at all. “Stop laughing and listen to me! And you two! How long have you been here?”

“Long—long enough,” the Doctor gasped, coming to the end of his own hysterics. “And you didn't notice the two of us flying in at all, did you? Weren't you supposed to be all-powerful or something?”

Discord snarled. “Or...” the Doctor continued, "You're finding me a bit less appetizing now, is that it? Not enough chaos to feed on? Getting over my personal demons a bit quickly for ya, you great ugly winged horned thing you?”

“Why, you—” Discord began.

“Now hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm sure what you're going to do will be very impressive, but before you do, a bit of a progress update. Derpy?” The Doctor turned to Derpy, who'd recovered by now too. Vinyl had also calmed down, and even Octavia was in the last phase of her hysterics. “Did we find anything interesting while we were flying over the maze?”

“We found a Rarity and a Pinkie Pie!”

“That's right!” the Doctor exclaimed, returning his gaze to the increasingly frustrated Discord. “The Element of Generosity and a whole lotta Laughter—we're a third of the way there. Don't believe us? Check our minds! And we've found two of our friends, so I'd say we're doing pretty well, wouldn't you?” The Doctor paused, as if a sudden thought had come into his head. “You know what I think? You might even lose the game!” Discord bared his teeth in a snarl. “How does that feel?”

Discord glowered at him and raised his claw. “It feels like it's time for a reversal, Doctor. See ya.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a flash. The ground in front of the Doctor shook.

Derpy realized what was happening quicker than the Doctor, and yelled “We'll find you—” Then a new hedge burst from the soil, cutting her voice and the two groups off.

“Doctor!” Octavia pulled herself to her hooves and rushed to the wall. “Are you still there?”

“Probably not.” Vinyl blew at some hair that had fallen over her glasses. “But they'll find us again, like Derpy said.”

“I hope so.” The two ponies sat in silence next to each other, staring at the thick hedge wall. After about a minute of this, she spoke again. “You weren't kidding about my apartment?”

“Wish I was, but no. It's okay,” she continued, hearing what sounded like a sob from Octavia. “It's okay, the ticket sales for the concert were awesome. You'll make rent easy.” Another one of those sounds. “Hey, don't cry.”

“I'm not crying.” What Vinyl had taken for sobs were in fact renewed giggles. “But that was a really funny joke before, when you were on top of me.”

“Oh, who said I was joking?” Vinyl purred, wiggling her eyebrows. “Mrowr.

“You were joking, right?”

Vinyl heard the alarm in her friend's voice, and hesitated with her response. After a few seconds, she decided to say the safe thing. “Yeah, yeah, fine. I was joking.”

Octavia relaxed. “Okay. You had me going there for a moment.” Yeah, I'm a real kidder.

They started walking away from the dead end. “You know...” Octavia began, a few minutes later. “Oh, nevermind. We've got statues to find.”

“Hey, you can't leave me hanging like that! Come on, what is it?”

“Well, it's a strange thought to have now, but... before I met you, I think I would have hated a joke like the one you made. Especially with everything that's happening right now.”

“Mare, you were dumb back then.” Vinyl chuckled. “Right now's the kind of time when you need a good laugh the most, when you're feeling down. Hey, do you know any jokes?”

Octavia hesitated. “I might, but... they're pretty terrible jokes.”

“Perfect. Could you tell me some, please?”

“All right, I did warn you... so, let's see.” Octavia took a moment to collect herself. “So, a pony walks into a bar—I mean an alcoholic bar, actually, just to clear that up. And the bartender, who's there because it's his shift, I suppose, asks the pony—the other pony, that is... he, the bartender, asks the other pony 'Why the long face? I mean longer than normal, because you're a pony and you already have a naturally long face.'”

She was silent for a few seconds, and then ventured, “And, um, that's the joke. How was it?”

Vinyl had been snorting and chuckling for several seconds already. “Pretty darn good.”

“How was my delivery?”

“It was... eh, it was fine. Got any others?”

Cares forgotten, Vinyl continued to crack up as Octavia continued to mangle jokes beyond all recognition.


SPIDER! Lyra shrieked and shook her back leg as hard as she could to get the little creature off—Nevermind. That was my hair brushing against my skin. I hate it when that happens. She resumed walking down the incline, glad nopony had seen that.

“Eh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...”

She nearly jumped out of her skin at Discord's laughter, and whipped her head around as fast as she could to find the source. “Where are you?” she whispered, seeing nothing but hedge, dirt, and sky.

Boom.

She jerked her head around again and saw the tiniest hint of a shadow approaching from the end of the corridor. It was more than enough for her to bolt downhill.

Boom. Boom.

But she wasn't fast enough. She could have sworn the shadow was getting closer...

Boom. Boom. Boom.

The corridor turned to the right and so did she, only to skid to a halt. Dead end. She jumped back out to see if there were any other exits uphill from her. There! It was maybe twenty yards away from her, probably less. But what if the whatever-it-is gets there first? What if there are more like it? What do I do, what do I do?

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

She squeaked a little and retreated into the dead end, waiting for the worst. Twenty seconds later, when the worst hadn't come, she smacked herself in the face. “You could have made it!” she scolded herself. But now it was too late. The noise was almost to her hidey-hole. She held her breath and kept as still as possible.

Boom. Boom.

It stopped, maybe two yards from her hiding place. She waited a few more seconds before exhaling. “Okay Lyra, you need to see what's around that corner. On your mark, get set... go!” She failed to move.

“Oh come on!” She shrieked again and turned around to see Discord behind her, shouting to the sky in disbelief. “Can you believe it? I mean, look at this!” He pushed her into the main corridor, and she saw what she'd been fleeing: a gigantic multicolored slinky, probably as wide and twice as tall as herself, resting on its base just a few feet away. “It almost got all the way down—I was gonna get the world record!”

“How did you... it wasn't even that steep,” she mumbled. I just ran away from a slinky.

“Skill and practice, my dear. Skill and practice. Look out behind you!” She shrieked again, jumped out of her skin and looked around to see—nothing at all. Discord clutched his sides in his hysterics. “Oh, who needs a slinky when I've got you to play with?”

“Stop it!” Lyra yelled. “I hate doing that!”

“Which is why I love doing this!” He snapped his fingers and a giant bolt of lightning struck not two feet from her hoof. She jerked away, only to jump again when another bolt just missed her tail.

“Let's face it, you're the biggest scaredy-cat on the planet—and believe me, I've checked. So at least one of us has a record.” Lyra felt a ribbon appear around her neck, and looked down to see a gold 'World's #1 Coward' medal hanging from it. “And the best part is, a lot of cowards have some sort of 'hidden courage' just waiting to be revealed—but you!” He poked her nose for emphasis. “You're a coward through and through! More of a yellow-belly than that pegasus from last time with an actual yellow belly!”

Lyra gritted her teeth and narrowed her eyes. That's what brave ponies do, right? “I'm not a coward.” She ripped the medal off her neck and threw it away. I can be brave. I can do this.

“Oh, sure you're not... BOO!” He jumped right in front of her face, and she shrieked—again—and fell over. The medal reappeared around her neck as she hit the ground. “I can't believe I ever wanted to change you!” he laughed. “I mean, the others, sure, but you're perfect the way you are! A useless coward!” He dove into the slinky, which vanished with him.

Lyra pulled the medal off her neck once more. “I'm not a coward!” she yelled, but no one was there to listen. “I'm not!” Maybe a little, she admitted. She began walking again, trying to reassure herself. “You can do this, Lyra. You can be brave.” She felt something on her leg, but tried to ignored it. “Just my hair, like always,” she muttered.

A moment later, she realized it was a real spider this time. Taking great care not to shriek, she shook the tiny thing off. “Okay, just a small one. Small ones are fine.”

She turned another corner and saw a swarm of spiders the size of basketballs crawling toward her. Their eyes glowed red, their mandibles made little chattering noises, and the way their legs moved—

She promptly started running the other way. And shrieked. Again.


“We'll find you—” Derpy began, before the hedge wall burst up between them and Vinyl and Octavia.

The Doctor's smile turned into a snarl, but Derpy was too quick for him. Before he could lunge at the hedge, she grabbed him and hoisted him into the air, letting him take a look at the other side. Vinyl and Octavia had already disappeared.

The two dropped back down to earth. The Doctor yelled in frustration and bucked into the hedge wall.

“We'll find they.” Derpy gave him a smile, then frowned at her mistake. “Them, I mean, we'll find them—oh, you know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” he muttered. “I know.”

“But you keep letting Discord get to you. You know he's trying to mess with you, right?”

“I know, I know, it's just...” He turned around and faced the sky. Derpy looked up too, and for a while they watched the negative clouds race through the air. Finally, he sighed and dropped to the ground. “The thing is, Derpy... how old do you think I am?”

She sat down as well, glad for a rest but uncertain where he was going. “You don't look that old....” Then: “But you are, aren't you. You really are.”

“Picked up on that, then?” In truth, Derpy wasn't quite sure what she had picked up on; she just knew that he had to be older than he appeared. She wondered how she knew. “I'm nine hundred and seven years old, give or take. And I've had a lot of friends over those years, some of the best friends anyone could ask for.”

“But they can't stay with you forever.”

“That's right.” Derpy didn't need to wonder any more; she could see the nine hundred years' worth of fatigue on his face. She couldn't imagine mistaking him for a young stallion. “No one lives as long as me anymore—but I think I've managed to accept that. If that were all....” He hesitated, then continued in a rush, like the words were being forced from him. “I hurt them, Derpy. I take friends with me and try to show them all the beauty and wonder the universe has to offer, and I end up hurting them instead. Every time.”

“No, you can't do that every time.”

“I'm an extraordinary man.” He paused, then amended, “Well, I suppose I'm an extraordinary stallion now.” A weak smile played across his face. “But people have died because of me—for me, because of me, either way. Those memories Discord showed before—that's the kind of thing that happens to my friends.” He sighed. “And now it's all gone.”

“How do you mean?”

“When I got here, I... hold on, I never did explain how I got here, did I?” A quizzical expression entered into his features.

“I heard you yelling about 'regeneration energy' in the statue garden, but I kind of thought you were just a crazy pony back then.” Derpy shrugged. “I mean, I still do, but good-crazy.”

“Well, first of all, guilty as charged. Second of all, regeneration is what happens when a Time Lord like me is about to die—I don't die, I change.”

“Change what?”

“Everything. My face, my body, my personality. In a way, it saves my life—the Doctor lives—but the Tenth Doctor dies. I was selfish, and I was afraid, and I put it off for as long as possible, the energy built and built in my body, and wham.” He raised a hoof and punched it into the hedge beside him. “This man was blown out of his home universe and into yours.”

“And you helped release Discord.” The Doctor winced. “Sorry, but it's true, isn't it.”

“That's the kind of thing that can happen when you travel between universes. Which shouldn't even be possible anymore, but like I said—extraordinary stallion. There's still a hole in your world, and I'll need to close it before it does any more damage, if we make it through this.”

“We're gonna make it through this, Doctor,” she insisted. “Trust me.”

After a moment, a wan smile entered his face. It was enough for her to relax. “I trust you. Believe me, you've given me enough reason to trust you. I just wish I could understand you.”

“What do you mean?” The Doctor shrugged, and Derpy's mind caught up with him. “Oh, the thing with flying the TARDIS... I don't know, it's just so... I know I've never met you in my life, I've never time-traveled or anything, I'm just dumb old Derpy the mail-klutz. How can I be....” She rubbed her head, feeling a headache coming on.

“Not that, don't worry about that. I want to know why you found me again.”

“I don't know how, Doctor, I just... knew where the TARDIS was somehow, and....” Her headache got worse as she tried to make sense of it all.

“No, not how—forget about howwhy.” Finally she understood. “You could have flown anywhere, hidden anywhere, and you decided to come back instead. Why?”

“Hiding doesn't make Discord go away.”

“Most ponies would do it anyway.”

She snorted. “Then most ponies are dumb.”

“Then what about your other friends? Why not go to help them instead?” Derpy looked at the ground in response. “You're kidding,” he said in a tone of honest confusion. “A brilliant pony like you?”

“No, I have friends, just... I guess you wouldn't call them PFFs.” He still looked confused, so she explained: “Pony friends forever.”

“And I am? After just meeting you?”

“No. Yes. Well, maybe, but...” She stopped and tried to get it straight in her head. “Okay, here's the thing. When I meet a new pony, sooner or later every single one asks the same question. It doesn't matter how we meet, or who they are, they always ask: 'What's wrong with your eyes?' And I know they've been waiting to ask the whole time we've been talking, 'cause they're never looking me in the eyes. And you know what? They can't manage it either, after.”

Another mess-up. She cringed, but true to form, he didn't seem to notice. He just kept looking at her, waiting for her to continue. Nevertheless, she paused to make sure she'd get the next sentence right—she wanted to say exactly what she meant. “But then I met you, and you just talked to me like a normal pony, and took me seriously, and looked me in the eyes.”

Derpy watched his face and saw dawning comprehension, and a little confusion too—like he hadn't realized there could be an alternative. She didn't know how to express what that meant to her, but she could try. With a little bubble of a laugh she stood up and offered him a hoof. “And then you told me to run away and forget about you? How?”

He accepted the offer and pulled himself to his hooves. “I didn't want you to get hurt.”

“And I don't want you to let Discord hurt you either. So I guess we're friends already, right?”

Without hesitation: “Definitely.” A real smile brightened his face once more, pushing away the nine hundred years of pain he'd been wearing.

She pulled him into a hug. “You haven't hurt me yet, Doctor. Now hold on tight.”

“Thanks... wait, are you going to carry me again!” His last syllable turned into a yelp as she hoisted him into the red sky.


Stay tuned: Discord and the Doctor—Part 2 will resume in just a moment.