//------------------------------// // Rarity~♡ // Story: Obama Goes to Equestria // by a human //------------------------------// "Rarity! Let me in! I'm telling you! It's important!" "Really, Derpy," Rarity said. "Do you really think I'd buy that after you've tried to break into my house at least 20 times?" "Ditzy." "What?" "My name," Ditzy said, "is Ditzy." "With those eyes? I don't think so." "Oh, nevermind. Just let me in! The fate of the universe lies in the balance!" "I bet it does, darling." "Let me see the Doctor!" "Oh, you mean that handsome stallion that's living with me?" "The one you've kidnapped and made your sex slave? Yes." "Sorry, I'm still using him. You aren't getting him, and that's that." Derpy rolled her eyes. "Fine. Can I at least have the TARDIS?" "Oh, you mean that great closet? I swear, it's bigger on the inside than the outside." Derpy glared. "Yes, I mean the closet." "It's a nice closet." "It's not yours." "Okay then, how did your little boyfriend get it?" "He stole it from a museum." "A museum?" "The door was unlocked." "Well then, it doesn't seem like it's his either. I would say it belongs to just about anyone, wouldn't you?" "Just give it to me." "No." "Yes." "No." "Yes." "No." "No." "Yes." "No." "No." "No." Ditzy screamed in frustration and stormed off. "At least I can get some!" Rarity screamed, then slammed the door. As soon as she turned around, someone started loudly knocking on the door. She spun around and slammed the door open as loud as she could. "No means no, D—" Rarity began to say, but it wasn't Ditzy who greeted her. It was Obama. "Oh, I mean, what can I do for you today?" "Well, I don't have to start as community organizer for a week, so I was thinking it would be a good idea to get some more suits," he said. "I was told you were the pony to go to for that." "You were told correctly!" Rarity said, beaming at the chance to show off her skills. "Right this way! Let me take your measurements!" She led him through a couple of hallways until they finally reached her studio. He could have sworn he heard some muffled screaming coming out from a closet, but it was probably nothing. "Now take off your coat," Rarity said. Obama obliged. Rarity took out a tape measure with magic and started measuring him. At first she measured the normal things, the length of his legs and torso, but then she kept measuring increasingly bizarre parts of his body until Obama got the feeling she was just making up random things to measure to make this take longer. He looked around the room. It was disheveled, with all the usual things a fashion designer would need lying about everywhere. Fabric, scissors, paper, pencils, locks of hair, needles, maces… Wait, what? Obama decided to look out the window. "So," Obama said, awkwardly trying to break the silence. "Nice weather today." "Yeah." Damn. Didn't work. Time for some light conversation. "So, you're one of the few straight ponies in Equestria?" "Er, yes," Rarity replied, fumbling with the tape measure a bit. "What's that like?" Obama asked. "Do you feel discriminated against? This is one of the first times I'm actually part of a minority group I'm representing, so—" "Oh, yes, it's horrible!" she whined. "I can't get the fresh cakes, people always cut me in line, I have to pay 5% more sales tax…" Rarity looked up to Obama. Obama looked at Rarity with those meticulously soul gazing, sympathetic eyes. They had better be soul gazing, at least—he paid $700 for a workshop on how to get the corners of his eyes just right. Rarity couldn't bear it any longer. "You want to know the truth?" "What?" "I'm just as gay as the rest of them." Obama paused. "What?" "The only reason I surround myself with stallions is publicity. What could be more controversial than a straight fashion designer?" Rarity laughed. "But don't you feel bad, hiding yourself?" "No. I'm the second most popular fashion designer in Equestria thanks to that tip!" "Tip?" "I got the idea from one of you," Rarity said. "What was his name? Leopard? Lion? Some cat…" Obama threw out the most ridiculous guess he could think of. "Tiger Woods?" "That's it!" What. "He told me all about it. He told me that, in the human world, he was a huge celebrity," Rarity said, "but that he only reached legendary amounts of fame when it came out that he had 23 mistresses. That gave me an idea. Sure, my designs had been praised, but that wasn't enough. If I wanted to break into the industry, I needed an edge. Something to make me stand out. Something unique. Something like… a scandal! And what could be more scandalous than being publicly straight in Equestria? Especially in Ponyville, the gay capital of Equestria, thanks to Rainbow Dash." "I can think of a couple things," Obama said, no stranger to scandals. "Yes, but I mean legal things, dear," Rarity said. "Trust me, I looked into it, and this was—" She froze, staring into space. "What?" Obama said, worried. "What's wrong?" "Now that I think about it, there is one more thing that could be more controversial," Rarity said, looking right at Obama. "Really? What is it?" Obama asked, not liking the direction this was headed. "There's only one thing that could be more controversial than being with a male pony…" Obama blinked. No. She wasn't. Rarity stopped her work and started sauntering towards Obama. "Oh, how rude of me! I haven't given you a complete tour of the house. Tell me, have you seen the inside of a pony's bedroom yet?" Oh god. She was. "No," Obama said. "No, no, no, no, no, and no. You find someone else for your little games. I am playing no part in this." "But!" Rarity whined. "This is guaranteed to make the front page!" "No, it's wrong, and I am not having this conversation," Obama said, gathering his old suit jacket. "I'm leaving." He started walking towards the front door, but as soon as he got there Rarity zoomed in front of him. "Did I say anything about a choice?" she said, slowly backing him up against the wall. "No, but I'm making a choice," Obama said, to the shock of pundits everywhere. "And I'm saying no." Rarity smiled. "I guess I'll have to get rough, then." "What?" From seemingly nowhere, she brandished a whip. "Now you play nice…" Obama screamed, dropped his suit jacket, and started running away. Rarity licked her lips. "Tiger was right… it is more fun when it isn't consensual." She ran after him. Obama went as fast as his legs could carry him. He looked around for an exit. All he could see were windows. He could jump out one. No, wait, that wasn't an option. If he did that, he would ruin his suit and end up right back here with Rarity. What to do? What to do? He hadn't been under this much pressure since the 2008 campaign, and even then he had an entire campaign team to back him up. Then he got it! The perfect idea! He could hide in a closet through the night and sneak out while she was asleep! Obama didn't think that good under pressure. He ran to the closest closet he could see and swung the door open. A beaten looking stallion chained to a wall greeted him. "It really is a lot easier if you don't resist," he wheezed. Obama screamed, again. Rarity caught up to him and smashed a flowerpot over his head. – – – – Slowly, groggily, Obama opened his eyes. Where was he? Did he appear in yet another world? He looked around. Light purple walls with white molding. Exquisite interior decorating. Drapery everywhere. Shit. He was in Rarity's bedroom. He tried to get up, but for some reason his body would not obey. He tried harder. Still nothing. He looked at his limbs. He was tied to the bed. Shit. He was in Rarity's bedroom, tied to her bed. Shit. "Enjoying yourself?" Rarity said, fiddling with her whip. SHIT. No, no, no, oh god no, Obama was not going to let this happen. Okay. He needed a plan of attack. First, he would— "And don't even think of trying to escape," Rarity said, climbing up on the bed. She got out a taser. "Let's just say that will end badly." Obama whimpered. "Now you just be a good boy," she said, heading down. And I'm sure your imaginations can come in and fill in the rest. Pun intended.