Beetle Pie is dead. I didn't even know he went to Hilbert's Hotel. Seeing as most ponies who go there are never seen again, it was pretty darn shocking for me. I had just been thinking, the day before I got the news, that I hadn't heard from him in a little while. He ain't... wasn't the most frequent writer, but he sent a letter now and then to say hello. I wrote him back, told him about all the events here on the farm. I've always got plenty to say.
So who was Beetle Pie, other than my cousin? Well, he was my mother's brother's son and the third of five children. He excelled in school and went to Coltbridge University when he was old enough. He got some degrees and started teaching at that same university. He was a smart fella, had a thing for mathematics. He wasn't famous or anythinging, but he had a famous friend. His friend, I believe, is worth mentioning in this context.
Wissen Hilbert, the same Hilbert who opened up the hotel I mentioned earlier. His name is odd and I think he was born oversea. Anyway, he was a professor just like Beetle, so you're probably wondering what business he had opening hotels... or really just hotel. Well, I don't know to be perfectly frank. No one knows, for all I know. He's missing as well, so asking him is out of the question. In the end, we have a missing hotel founder, a dead friend of hotel founder, and over a hundred missing ponies. I'm not a mathematician, but even if I was this still wouldn't add up.
Beetle's funeral was a playground for the media. He was the first pony to emerge from Hilbert's Hotel, even if he turned up dead. It ain't clear how he made it out dead, but I for one think that should be the least of our worries. We've got a hotel that's gobbling up ponies like hungry fillies gobbling up potato stew. It didn't make any darned sense to me to see all these ponies with cameras, asking questions about who Beetle was and if we knew how he escaped. I told them what I told you because at the time that's all I knew.
I know something else now: Beetle didn't revise his will before he went into the hotel. Heck, he hadn't revised his will in a while. He left everything he owned to his littlest sister, Humble, who is also dead. It was cancer, rest her soul. I don't know all the specifics; she never wrote. Anyway, the family was left to figure out what to do with his possessions. We gave his house to a cousin of ours who was starting up a family, we gave his books and such to his Alma mater, and we donated his money to medical research. All that was left was his personal belongings.
Everypony took something. They weren't big or expensive things, just things we could remember him by. Cousins took hats, spectacle cases, cookbooks, and even an umbrella. I took his overcoat; it fit me.
The funeral was yesterday, but I found out two things today. The first, this overcoat is the coat cousin Beetle died in. The second, Beetle never checked out of Hilbert's Hotel. I just found a room key in his pocket.
"Daaaaad? Are you coming?"
Yeah... just give me a second.
I'm supposed to take Pinkamena back to Ponyville today. My wife and other daughters are heading back towards the farm, but I don't want Pinkamena to head back on her own. Something about the death of a family member centering around a hotel just outside of Ponyville doesn't sit well with me. I can't just sweep it under the rug, act like I'm not worried.
"Hurry up or we won't make it before the train leaves."
I'm coming.
I do go, out of my normal hotel room to where my daughter is waiting for me. As we go to check out of our rooms, Pinkamena chatting all the while, I can't help but wonder about this key I have. I reckon there are consequences for not properly checking out of a hotel, so a pony's gotta figure that a hotel where disappearance is normal might have some steep consequences. Death is what I'm talking about.
The whole train ride to Ponyville, all I can think about is Beetle and this key. The ride is so empty and quiet, all I can really do is think about it. If it wasn't for the hotel it came from, this key could pass off for any other key in the world. It's even got an innocent little tag that reads "8E". If it weren't for the "Hilbert's Hotel" scrawled underneath it, I wouldn't have any cause for alarm. The name isn't the main thing that bothers me. No, that honor belongs to the hotel's slogan written so small these old eyes of mine couldn't read it. I had Pinkamena take a look.
"There's always room in Hilbert's Hotel."
Thanks.
"This was in Cousin Bertie's pocket?"
That's where I found it. I guess he was wearing this when he died.
"So... this belongs to that hotel." Pinkamena stares down at it, kind of like I had when I first realized what it was. "What're you going to do with it?"
I don't know.
"You're not gonna return it, are you?"
Now what would be so bad about that?
I suppose I already know the answer to that question, but it ain't proper to keep something that doesn't rightly belong to you. Disappearances and deaths aside, a hotel's key is a hotel's key. If I don't return this they'll have to destroy any duplicate keys they have and then hire a locksmith to make new keys and change the lock on Room 8E. Not only would that be a hassle for the hotel, but past events lead me to believe we would never see that locksmith again.
"That's how the hotel gets you, dad!" Pinkamena says. "Ponies go in just to take a look or find somepony who went in before them, but then they never come out! I've actually never heard of anypony actually going in to get a room. The hotel is smart enough to get by anyway! It knows..."
You make it sound like a living thing, Pinkamena. It's a building with brick walls and wooden doors, not a gator.
"Well nopony works there, so the hotel has to run itself! If it runs itself, it must be self aware! If it's self-aware, it must know we're talking about it right now and it's plotting to devour us both!"
No workers? Pinkamena, that just ain't possible. We can go return this key together and you'll see.
"See! Right there! That's how it's gonna get us!" Sometimes this child gets the strangest ideas into her head.
Then don't come. I can take care of it by myself.
"No! I can't do that either! That's just what it wants!"
A real pickle you find yourself in.
"No! I like pickles! I would be glad to be in a pickle! This here is a real tough situation!"
I'm just gonna give the key back. I'll be in and out before I even have a chance to disappear.
I tell her this, but she doesn't seem convinced. She frets over it for the rest of the ride. She frets over it as we disembark from the train. She frets over it while we walk through the quiet, empty streets of Ponyville. She stops fretting once we grab a bite to eat at that Sugarcube Corner place she works at. The stuff there is a bit too sweet for my tastes.
"Alright, I think I figured out how we can do this without falling into the hotel's trap!"
I'm all ears.
"I'll grab onto your tail and keep one hoof outside the door so I can pull you back in when the monster tries to suck you in!"
If we're not going to be courteous about this, we may as well open the door up, throw the key in, and then run.
"Yes! Why didn't I think of that?" I don't have the heart to tell her she did a while back, but that's a separate issue.
Pinkamena, I'm just going to walk to the reception desk and return the key. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I'm sure they'll be happy to have this back.
"But this is Hilbert's Hotel we're talking about!" Pinkamena says, still just as frantic as when I first brought it up. "If you go in, you might not come out!"
Nonsense. I'll be in and out in a jiffy.
After we finish eating, Pinkamena shows me the way to the infamous hotel. She has gone from frantic to nervous, which is unusual for this child. Even when things look grim, I can count on this child to act silly and be all smiles. I guess this hotel business really has her shaken up, but that's even more reason to go. I'll show her that there isn't any reason to be afraid.
"Well, here it is."
It's smaller than I thought it would be.
"Everypony says that..." I can see why. The whole building is only two stories high. It is as long and wide as you'd expect a hotel many, many floors taller to be. Beetle's key has 8E on it, but I don't even see an eighth floor. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't all just some elaborate prank.
Pinkamena, if you're worried you can wait out here.
"B-but-"
Like I said, I'll be out in a jiffy. Wait here a second.
Other than the surprisingly small size, this hotel looks perfectly normal. I put a hoof on the oak door and push, crossing the threshold. My hooves clack against the tile as I walk in, the door closing slowly behind me. The lobby is a nice little place. It's got little potted ferns and a display case for brochures about places around Ponyville. Nothing strikes me as out of the ordinary, except for one thing: there isn't a soul here.
Well, not a soul save for the receptionists.
"Welcome!" a blonde mare greets me with a friendly demeanor reminiscent of Pinkamena. Next to her is a mountain of a unicorn, and I guess this fella is also a receptionist seeing as they are wearing the same green, plaid vests. I walk up to the counter to conduct my business. "Are you looking for a room?"
No, I'm not looking for a room.
"I'm afraid all we have are rooms, sir," says the male receptionist. The lad doesn't look like he's shaven that brown shrub on his face for a long time. Looking at him is quite the contrast from looking at the attractive mare beside him.
"Aww, that's sweet of you to say."
I'm here to return this.
I take the key out of my pocket and place it on the counter. Both receptionists stare down at the key as if they'd never seen one before.
"You're... checking out?" the stallion asks me.
No, I'm just returning this. It belonged to my cousin Beetle, but he's dead now.
"What? I don't remember anyone here passing away," the female receptionist says with a gasp. I hadn't meant to cause her such a start. "No, no, it's quite alright."
He died right outside your door. It was a pretty big deal.
"Well, we certainly haven't heard anything about it," the stallion says, but I could tell that much. I'm not sure how they don't know, since they watch the front door all day. Heck, they probably checked Beetle in. "Yes, we were here when Beetle Pie checked in."
So you knew Beetle Pie?
"Oh no, don't tell me Mr. Bertie is dead." The female receptionist is really distraught now.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, miss...
"Satori, I'm Satori," she introduces herself with a shaky breath. "This here is Interface Enlightenment."
Pleased to meet you both. I'm sorry to spring this all on you, but all I wanted to do was make sure this got back to you.
The pair of receptionists look at one another, and then back at the key in front of them. Even the stoic Interface Enlightenment looks shaken up about this news. Hopefully giving this key back to the hotel won't be an ordeal.
"It might be."
Pardon?
"We can't just let you return the key," Satori tells me. "Mr. Bertie was an important guest here at the hotel and he's racked up some expenses during his stay. I know it's not the sensitive thing to do, but we do need to see those expenses paid off."
What's the damage?
"It's quite a bit," Satori says while Interface Enlightenment takes a ledger out from under the desk. The pages ruffle as he flips through them with his magic. When he lands on the right page, he shows it to Satori. "Mr. Bertie has an outstanding debt of thirty seven thousand and fifty-nine bits on his tab."
I don't think Beetle ever had that much money on hoof at one time. How did he even manage to ring up such a large number? Heck, why would you keep letting him put so much on his tab? That seems awfully irresponsible seeing how much money you stood to lose.
"Beetle Pie's transactions are a private matter, sir." Interface Enlightenment tucks the ledger back under the desk. It's clear I won't be getting anything out of this stallion. "The debt must be paid in order for us to check him out of the room."
But he's dead.
"He signed a binding contract. He is not exempt, even after death." He can say that, but this all seems rather high-hoofed to me. "It's just hotel policy."
You are aware of all the goings on with this place, right? Ponies disappearing and whatnot? Beetle is just the tip of the iceberg, really.
"Indeed he is!" I wait for Satori to say more, but all I get is more of that sweet smile. Out of all the things that could strike me as odd at this moment, the one that jumps out at me is how familiar this mare looks. I can't place her, no matter how much I want to.
"Sir." Interface Enlightenment calls for my attention, sliding the key across the counter back to me. "If it's not too much trouble, you could go up and see if there is anything among Beetle Pie's belongings that would level the debt.
Son, that seems unlikely.
"The matter must be settled; it's hotel policy." There ain't no fault in being a stickler for the rules, but anypony could see this rule in particular is ridiculous. We're talking about the debt of a dead pony without any ties left to the material world, so I think I'm in the right when I say that this situation calls for a bit more sensitivity.
"We don't like it any more than you do," Satori says while making doe eyes at me. "All we ask is you go to his room and sort this matter out for us."
Sorry, I won't.
"You won't?"
I have other things to do.
"Is that so?" they ask in unison. I can't say my experience here has been normal, but that was the first thing that's made me uncomfortable.
Yeah. It ain't my job or my place. Besides, I don't want to.
"I see," they say, keeping in unison. "Well, if you've no other business here, you're free to go."
... Just like that?
"Just like that," Interface Enlightenment says, cracking the first smile I've seen from him. I can tell he's forcing it.
Alright, I'll be off then.
I turn and walk away from the counter. As much as I've told myself there ain't anything keeping me from walking out the front door, I can't shake this uneasy feeling in my bones. It ain't premonition, or at least I hope it ain't. When I reach the door, I pull on the handle and open it up. I can see Pinkamena outside, waiting for me. I can tell she sees me because she looks absolutely flabbergasted. Now I am standing outside the hotel, with the door closing behind me. Before it clicks shut, I hear two voices speak to me in unison.
"There's always room in Hilbert's Hotel."
"You're alive!"
Of course I am. Nothing to it.
"Well? What happened? What was it like? Did they try to torture you? How did you fight off the basilisk? Where's the sword of power? Did you collect all seven of the artifacts?"
I returned the key...
"Alright!"
Sort of.
"Sort of?"
I gave them the key, but cousin Beetle isn't checked out. Apparently he went and got himself into some huge debt, so they aren't going to officially check him out until it's paid off.
"But... Bertie is dead." We're in trouble if this child is the only one around making sense.
Now that I'm out, it's starting to sink in just how lucky I might be. Other than cousin Beetle, I'm the only one who has gone in and then come out. Unlike Beetle, I'm alive. This just might be important.
"Dad? What are we going to do?" Pinkamena asks me.
Not sure, darlin'. I reckon if I can go in and out, I owe it to anypony trapped inside to see if I can't help them. That'd be the right thing to do.
"You think you can do something about this?" she asks me, even thought I'm not entirely certain myself. "You're gonna save everypony?"
I reckon I oughta try.
Pinkamena has a thing for celebrating the tiniest things. Before I can brace myself, she blasts me with confetti from that cannon she always keeps around. Having her away from home has made my reflexes a bit slower I guess.
"Hooray for dad! We're going to save everypony from a terrible fate!"
Not we.
"Not we? But, but, but-"
You should go let everypony know what's going on. Go get those friends of yours to help anypony I manage to free from this place.
"..."
Now it ain't like you to be speechless. Say something before you scare the hair outta my ears.
"I don't know if you noticed... but Ponyville is a ghost town." Dangit, that ain't somethin' I wanted to hear.
And you haven't mentioned this yet because...?
"I thought you knew!" she says to me. "It's been all over the paper recently."
I guess I've been a little preoccupied with cousin Beetle's death... but you're telling me there isn't a soul in Ponyville?
"Not one pony, dad."
Then who served us at Sugarcube Corner?
"I did. I work there, remember?"
Right... so, why are you still here?
Pinkamena gets real quiet, making me really worried again. To be honest, I think I've been taking this whole matter a little lightly. Now I can see just how serious all of this is. Now the strangeness of those clerks' behavior really strikes me. I get the feeling they don't just know what's going on, but they're letting it happen. Heck, they may even be making it happen.
"I was going to go in to save my friends after they all went in... but then the thing with Bertie happened. After that, there was no way I could bring myself to go in. There were still ponies in town when I left for the funeral, but while we were there the paper reported that everypony had gone missing. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do when I got back..."
You could have come back to the farm with all of us.
"And just leave everypony in the hotel?" Pinkamena shouts, glaring up at the object of her ire. My heart goes out to this child. "But now there is a way to save them all! I can't just stand out here and worry like I have been! Please take me with you! Please, please, please!"
... If you're going to insis-
"Hooray!" I guess she's done acting upset about her friends' fates. Having her as her normal self is gonna be easier than having her mope around through this ordeal, that's for sure.
Just promise to listen to me while we're in there, alright?
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" Pinkamena says, crossing her heart and putting a hoof over a closed eye. Her mother taught her how to do that, and it's just about the only thing we've been able to teach her that she's retained. I can talk about her quirks until the granite comes home, but I do love her, quirks and all. She'll always be the foal of the family to me, even when she has foals of her own. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not going to let anything happen to her.
Well, should we go rent a room?
"Lead the way, dad!"
Uncertain of the future but sure of ourselves, we turned around and reopened the doors to Hilbert's Hotel. The interior hadn't changed, and both Satori and Interface Enlightenment were still standing behind the counter. For some reason, they also looked determined. I got the feeling we were in for a struggle in which we would be at a disadvantage.
I woke up this morning as Clyde Pie. He was a simple pony who farmed rocks and liked his coffee black. He didn't look for trouble or want to go on an adventure. All he wanted was to say his good-byes his beloved cousin who was mysteriously taken from this world before his time. I never meant to get myself wrapped up in the disappearance of a whole town or become a part of the intrigue surrounding the circumstances of Beetle Pie's death, but here I am. If it is going to fall to me to put things back in order at this hotel, then may Celestia let it fall to me. I could think of more fitting heroes, but sometimes the stallion for the job is just the one who shows up.
"Welcome!"
Both clerks smile their characteristic smiles before opening their mouths and saying the only thing that could properly start the ordeal we are about to go through.
"There's always room in Hilbert's Hotel."