//------------------------------//
// chapter 6 
// Story: Discorded Humanity 
// by The Drifting Bard 
//------------------------------//

I'M THE MUFFIN MAN BITCH!




After what seemed like an eternity of sleep,  I awoke to the smell of food being prepared. Groggily opening my eyes, I was met by a haze of purple.
Blinking to remove any telltale signs of sleep, I kissed the purple mare on the forehead before slipping away. Gently walking downstairs, I heard the grumpy ramblings of a small dragon. “morning Spike” I said with a sleepy smile. The dragon turned slowly, expected to see my naked form, “dude, I have clothes on ya know” I chuckled.
“today the day?” I asked, observing the grin on spike’s face.
The little dragon simply nodded. I smelled the scent of freshly made coffee being poured into a mug. 
“ah, coffee, one of lifes most simplest of pleasures” I beamed, taking a hearty swig of the black liquid, after swallowing, I blew out steam. 
“ya know, I’ll never understand your slight obbsession with coffee” the Dragon stated cheekily. “heh, doubt you ever will,” I chuckled “before I came here,” I started to get a bit solemn, “I didn’t sleep much, got a caffiene addiction, and before you ask, yes its possible” I noted the serious expression on Spike’s face. “nearly died, so I switched to tea… but nothing beats a morning coffee” I chuckled. Spike looked at me with confusion 
“you mean, the Caffiene was killing you?” I shooked my head.
“no, I was killing me without realising” I said. 
“anyways, shouldn’t you be getting ready for something?” I joked, watching as the little dragon started to freak out.
“calm down dude” I said between bouts of laughter.
The actions of our tomfoolery awoke Twilight. “hey there sleeping beauty” I said with a smile, Spike ran back into the kitchen to finish breakfast. “Spike, go and get ready, I’ll make breakfast”  

Quickly making myself useful, I had seen that he was attempting to recreate my waffles. He had gotten the ingrediants and everything else right, but not the presentation, I simply shrugged my shoulders and plated them up, humming a little song to myself while I worked. After hearing the thunderous pitter-patter of dragon feet across the floor, and a chair being pulled back, I walked out of the kitchen, plates in hand. Laying them out on the table, I noticed the tie around Spike’s neck.
“interesting choice Spike,” I said, indicating the tie, “but wouldn’t a red tie be a bit better?” I said between mouthfuls. Twilight looked at me for a moment, not knowning what I meant. “red will bring out the green in your eyes, dude” I grinned. 
I stood up, walked over to my longcoat and rumaged through the pockets, pulling out a red tie. “here, catch” I threw the tie to the dragon, where it unintentionally landed on his face. I heard Twilight stifle a giggle. After the waffles had been consumed, I helped Spike with the tie, I dropped down to meet him face to face “now then Spike, remember, don’t Rush it, take your time with her, trust me” I fistbumped the little dragon “now, got get her, tiger” I smiled, and with that he was off.

i decided to talk a walk, taking a deep breath of fresh air. I watched as Ponies, as always, went about their day to day lives in happiness. 
A happiness you’d never see back on earth. I spotted a turquise Unicorn waving to me, I waved back with a smile and walked over. “hello Dave” the unicorn said with a smile, “I’m Lyra,” she held out a hoof, in the hopes of a hoofshake, so I indugled her curisoity. Taking the hoof in my hand, her eyes widened. “Wow, I’ve never seen a human hand up close before,” she had lowered her h ead to inspect my hand “then again, I’ve never met a human before” she chuckled.
“whats it like?” she asked
“being human?” I replied, shrugging my shoulders “eh, its not all its cracked up to be… I mean sure I’ve got opposable thumbs and long monkey arms… but, sometimes im fatigued if I do something for so long” I frowned. “and considering how my…um…personal situation has changed… im limited in what me and my partner can actually do, if this was earth, the said act wich I wouldn’t mind doing…” I trailed off, blushing furiosly at the thought “would be highly frowned upon” I spoke wit a nervous tone. “uh I don’t even know why I told you that,” I chuckled sheepishly, “is that enough info for you? Cause seeing as you asked me, I’ll ask you, whats it like being a pony?”

she mirrored my shrug “I really don’t have a clue, to be perfectly honest,” she trailed off, not knowing what to say “its kinda like you being a human, you cant really explain who or what you are” she nodded, “hmm, something to think about” I said to myself. “im off to Sugarcube corner, the hunt for food has begun” I said majestically, causing the turquise mare to laugh. As I walked off, i could have sworn i saw a grey pegasus fly into a tree. “are you okay, miss?” I asked the grey mare in question. She just shrugged it off “I’m fine, built up a bit if an immunity to head truama” the mare giggled “you going into Sugarcube Corner?” I nodded in reply. 
“oh goody maybe we can have a cha..” she focused her eyes onto me,  I could see she was concentrating “oh my, you’re the thing the Doctor warned me about…no wait that was that other thing, nevermind” her eyes quickly changed back to their usual appearance. As we entered the bakery, my nostrils were invaded by the smell of baked goods, confectionary and the most glorious foodstuff of all. “hello Ditzy doo, the usual?” the proprietor of the shop asked. 
“oh yes please, mrs cake, oh I was wondering, do you have any of those banana-nut muffins? My little dinky’s passed one of those unicorn magicy…examy thingies, and I wanted to get her something special” 
I watched as the two mares converesed, a smile crept across my face, “Um, miss, could I place my order please? I said with a smile. 

The mare behind the counter looked at me for a moment, then smiled. “of course you can dave, what would you like?”
I thought for a moment, “I’ll just take 8 muffins, and 8 cupcakes please, how much will it be?”
“24 bits, but you are Ponyvilles new Defender, so what the hay, its on the house” 
my eyes widened “this is the first time we’ve met” 
“Pinkie Pie’s been telling us about all you’ve done” 
“well, I cant just take something for free, so if you need help with anything, I’ll be happy to help” I smiled.
“well, if you insist, I’ll send Pinkie or my husband to find you if we do” the mare grinined. 

After walking out, I decided to just sit and relax, I found a tree to lean against. 
Watching the world go by, I felt a eerie sense of gratitude to the Princessess, they could have easily killed me upon our first meeting. But now, looking back, I’m more happier than I was back on earth.

Earth was hell for me, plagued by the four horsemen in different areas of the globe, war in iraq, pestilence in areas with polio or cholera, famine in ethiopia… and death following everybody like a bad itch.

I didn’t let that bother me though, I had Twilight to keep me company on the long winter nights and warm summer days. Before her, I had a string of meaningless and fruitless relationships, I was used and abused. 
But it had been years since the last one. My heart had grown heavy and cold. So cold you could catch frostbite off it. I think that’s what brought me here really. The pain and suffering I caused myself would be vanquished by all the happiness that flowed here. It was like painting a perfect picture without all the colours nessessary.  But not everything was plain to see, somethings were left unsaid, Twilight would always worry about me dying in the line of duty. 
Makes me sound like a solider more thatn anyting else. I suppose it was around that time, that I heard the sounds of hooves slowly trotting up towards me “hey there Sugarcube” the shadow said with a smile in its voice, “whatcha doin out here?”
The voice asked, as I slowly peiced the voice and shadow together, “hey AJ, im just enjoying lifes simple pleasures, Cupcake?” I offered, she nodded as I handed one over, “it’s a peaceful day, may aswell enjoy it” I motioned her to sit beside me, she plonked herself down in the shade. “ah’ve been meanin ta ask, is there somethin goin on between you an’ Twi?”
She noticed the redness on my cheeks,
“who told you? Cause pinkie and Spike were the only ones who….” 
I shook my head, as the orange mare chuckled away. 
“you should see your face,” she stopped for a moment, the comment I made had finally registered in her brain “there is somthin goin on, isnt there” I could only nod, 
nervously I might add.  “I kinda…well…” sratching the back of my head, I was searching for words 
“its ohkay Sugarcube,” AppleJack nodded, “ya don’t have to tell me, but be careful Rarity doesn’t here about this” she chuckled.
“oh crap” was the only phrase I could muster, I shrugged my shoulders.
“well either way, She’s going to find out, Spike finally got a date with her” I laughed, 
“he did? How the…. You gave him some advice didn’t you” she deadpanned for a moment, but her smile was stuck there. I nodded, pulling out a muffin. “oo, muffin” I cooed. The orange mare could only laugh at the sight of me munching a muffin with pure unadulterated happiness, complete with om nom.
“I think I should head back to the library, Still need to finish that book”  I struggled to my feet. 
After walking in silence Applejack finally asked “so, what’s this book about?” i turned round to answer, 
“it’s a survival story, with a lot of psychological elements, basically its kinda like what happened to Luna when she became Nightmare Moon, there was a lot of things going on in her head that caused it”
I heard Applejack make a sound in reply, much like an "ooh I get it". 
I got to the door, and heard two female voices arguing. 
“but its not right, im telling you this now, as a friend” 
“I still cant believe Spike told you, cant you see that I love him?” 
before I opened the door, I took a deep breath, “Applejack, I think you should probably head back, I’ve got to put a stop to this” I said solemnly. The orange mare simply nodded, and left. Opening the door, I could see books strewn over the floor, Spike cowering under a table and two mares arguing of something stupid. “Ladies, please,” I stood in the doorway “stop the arguing, your acting like foals” I said, Spike quickly ran towards me to hid behind my leg 
“Spike, I assume you told her? I wont be angry if you tell the truth” I said, looking at the small fear-filled dragon, who just nodded, “I’m sorry Dave, rarity just asked me how you were holding up and it kinda slipped out” the little dragon said, with fresh tears rolling down.
“hey, chin up little dragon, accidents happen” I said with a smile, not knowing the two mares watching me. they had stopped arguing. “now Rarity, I know your worried, but don’t be,” I walked to the sofa, flipping it upright with a grunt, “because I’m stronger than I look,” I said with a quiet laugh “and Twilight, I think we made a mistake” 
I watched as Twilight flumped down. Rarity was furious, but I simply walked past her, smiling. Kneeling down, I placed my hand on her hoof, “Love, we should have told them sooner, Applejack knows, Pinkie knows, and Now rarity does too, Rarity was just concerned, but can you blame her? I cant, if anything, the fault is mine, nobody else’s” I kissed her on the forehead. “Rarity, if it makes it any easier, if I could turn into a pony, I would, hell, I’d give up anything and everything” Rarity heard this, even though it was a quiet murmer. “I’m sorry, Dave” She said, walking over to me “I can see why she loves you though, you’re kind, smart and understanding, you hardly raise your voice,” she looked at spike who was still trembling slightly, worried that I was angry with him and that I was hiding it “Spike still hasn’t realized you arent angry with him” she giggled, “well, I’d best be off, unless you want me to help put things away” I shook my head. 
“I cant accept that offer, but Twilight can” I said with a smile, Twilight looked up at me and nodded “see, she does want your help, and I brought muffins and cupcakes, courtesy of mrs cake” I smiled.

I stood at the balcony, taking adeep breath. A foul wind was blowing that night, Twilight sat beside me, looking intently trying to see what I was thinking. “er, Twilight, love… what are you doing?” I said upon noticing her staring intently.
“its Discord isnt it, is he speaking to you again?” she asked.
“well, no… I havent heard from him since yesterday”
“what did he say?”
“two more days, send Celestia a letter, tell her about us, and about The new development”
“okay, monkey” she smiled, with a slightly worreid expression on her face. 
After watching the green flame go across the night sky, i could only hope that it would arrive in time.