I was sleeping. Dreaming to be more specific. Having a goddamn nightmare to be 100% accurate. Chasing me was a pony made entirely of riding crops who seemed intent on beating me until my arms and legs fell off. So I ran. The cropy thing laughing at me as I ran to the endless horizon.
"BOOT MAGIC! MAGIC RUN!" It screams at me, before it devolves into just random noise and screaming like a Khornite Berzerker.
Terrified, I go over my options. Oh wait. I'm asleep! I can't do shit! I'm the idiot who's stuck on the rollercoaster until it stops. There are no brakes on the Hooftrain! While I'm busy thinking about that, I don't notice something sailing from over the horizon until it is practically ontop of me. It's... Oh are you fucking kidding me? It's Luna. Again. Seriously, why subconscious? Why are you doing this to me.
"SHADE, YOU ARE HAVING A NIGHTMARE!" She yells at me.
"NO SHIT!" My dreamself replies. If I wasn't nearly crapping myself, I'd laugh.
"WEAK BOOT! MAGIC APEX LADDER BOOT!" No idea what that cropy lunatic is on about.
Luna's horn flares and shoots something at the Hoof. I glance behind me, but the Hoof has stopped dead in her tracks at what has appeared infront of her. Its a pair of boots. Black military boots. What the fuck subconscious? That shit doesn't even make sense.
"BOOTS! BOOTS!" It screams and starts dancing around them. My dreamself frowns and I turn back to Luna. She's smiling at me.
"Don't I get a reward?" She asks coyly. My dreamself starts moving towards her.
No. No you don't! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR! Pulling on the dream with all of my mental prowess, I disrupt it before it turns into one of those disturbing ones. My efforts are rewarded when I finally manage to open my fucking eyes back in reality. Sighing loudly, I notice it is still night outside. Looks like I'll be taking another long sleep. Just hope there are no more ponies in my dreams again as I close my eyes again.
I can hear the sea. There is a steady thunk thunk thunk of a petrol motor. My dreamself has his damned eyes shut as he tries to steady his hands on the side of the boat. I can hear the unsteady laughter of rough-voiced men, making small talk that I can't understand. Then some guy yells out from the back.
"30 seconds!" I know that voice.
"I wanna see plenty of beach between ponies. Five ponies is a juicy target, one pony is a waste of ammo." Another voice says. Wait, did he say ponies?
My dreamself finally opens his eyes. Ponies. Ponies wearing 1944 military fucking garb with rifles. We are invading Omaha beach and this is the introduction to the movie 'Saving Private Ryan.' Ok. Atleast Luna isn't fucking here again. I can deal with this. Pulling my sidearm, I cock back the... This is a paintball pistol. I'm assaulting a heavily armed beach with a .68 caliber paintball pistol. You know what subconscious, I'm just going to roll with this. Its a dream, it doesn't have to make sense as long as I'm not making out with ponies.
The ramp goes down and the warponies let out a battlescream. The first two charge onto the beach, firing at random towards the towering bunker that is replying in kind with a stream of paintballs. Running, I take cover behind a tank blocker thing and watch two of my guys take shots to the flank. They fall over near me, so I pop my ass out from cover, grab 'em and drag them back to cover. Firing all the while.
"HOW BAD IS IT, SARGE?!" One screams at me while the other sobs. Their asses are covered in paint.
"You'll live, soldier." I reply grimly because apparently we're taking this seriously. "But you'll be sore in the morning." I gesture over to a pony who's wearing a red cross on his uniform. It is carrying a bucket filled with water. He comes over and starts washing off the two idiots.
The incoming fire slackens for a moment, the machine gun nests obviously have to reload, the beach goes fucking wild as the ponies let out another warcry and charge the barbed wire. I run along with them, watching as they all stack up behind the sandbank and hit the floor. Laughing, because I'm a badass apparently, I let off a few shots before taking cover again.
"Goddamn it! Where are the unicorns?! We need this wire cut!" A pony who sounds remarkably like Tom Hanks yells out, before being attended by a unicorn.
"Had a bit of business with some sour kraut." The unicorn says, wiping some of the cabbage from his face with a hoof. Really brain? That's a fucking terrible joke.
"Get this wire cut! We've got to get over there if we're going to punch a hole through the Hoof's beach!" Hoof's beach?
The unicorn's horn lights up. I can feel those familiar telekinetic energies forming from the ether, they hold for a moment, then rapidly descend on the barbed wire. There is a horrifying noise of metal been shown who's boss and then we're free to pass. A third warcry goes up and we're over the top and into the trenches. I finally get a good look at the enemy. They're all olive green. They all look like Hoofbeat. Awesome. I pop two in the flank and they go down screaming.
Eventually, we clear out the first stage of trenches and move up the hill side for the bunkers. Tom Hanks the pony beside me, his eyes now dark blue for some reason. Walking like to bosses who are invincible as we hose down every one of those Hoofy looking motherfuckers. At one point, ol'e Tom says he can't stand shooting mares and I reply with 'War is hell'. Then we hit a small snag. Tom takes a round to the face and falls.
"Go on.... without me..." He whispers as the green paint runs down his face, looking like Vulcan tears or something. Kneeling, I put my hand on his back and pat him gently.
"You shall be avenged." I rise, feeling epic. "Medic! We need an icepack over here!" Ok, now I feel less epic and more stupid.
Apparently, I'm the last guy alive on my team as I charge into a bunker and shoot the final Hoofbeat mimic right in the face. She falls to the floor and I throw my hands up in victory. Well. That was alot easier than I thought it would be. Guess this dream is over then I think as my dreamself turns and marches out of the bunker. For some unknown reason there is a castle off in the distance. It looks like Sauron's castle from Lord of the Rings had angry sex with a pile of spears.
My dreamself lowers his medievil visor and summons a horse. Wait, what the fuck is going on now? Oh great. All of my military garb has vanished and been replaced with a sword and board combo. This dream seems determined to just be a mishmash of every wierd ass movie I've watched. What the fuck ever, lets get on with it.
The horse is a big brown one with dark blue eyes. Man, why do I keep thinking of Luna when I look in those eyes? Jumping atop my Charger, for some reason I know its name, we ride out across the plains to that castle. The journey is relatively swift and boring. Eventually, I arrive at the castle and my horse eyes me up.
"You have wierd dreams, Shade." It says.
"Charger, you have no idea." I reply.
"Are you going to defeat the dragon then?" Big brown asks with a half smile. "And rescue the princess?"
"Noble steed." I draw my short sword. "Fuck off somewhere else while I rescue fair damsel from the clutches of the dragon. And then I'll rescue her from her virginity too."
"So 5 minutes for an epic battle with the dragon. I'll come back in six minutes." It laughs as it trots away. Fucking subconscious, always putting the boot in.
The castle doors look like they've seen better days. Cobwebs, burn marks and even a sword are on/in it. Giving them a gentle push, they immediately collapse to the ground. Right. Well, access is easy. Stepping over them, I get a good look at the interior of that place. The walls are covered in soot and there are human/pony outlines burned into them. So, dragon who eats heroes? Yea, this is gunna be good.
Walking through the place, I notice a suspicious absence of bodies. Armor and swords are everywhere, but no skeletons. My dreamself checks his shield for the third time, apparently a nervous habit, then continues stalking down there. Eventually, we reach a courtyard and the tallest tower in the place. That's gotta be atleast 30 stories high! Of course, its where the Princess is. I hear a roar to my right and I turn to face it.
It's the dragon. The same dragon I got drunk with a few nights ago. And, if the smell of the place is anything to go by, it's shitfaced. It looks over at me, confused, before slowly rising to its feet.
"What do you want?" It mumbles.
"Fearsome dragon, I have come to rescue the princess!" I hold my sword aloft. For some reason. The dragon looks at me and laughs.
"And who are you supposed to be? This is my keep. I am RAZORFANG! SHE IS MINE!" It's little speech would be more impressive had it not then stumbled over its own claws.
"I'm the Knight Shade!" Yeah. Nightshade. Ugh.
The dragon finally has enough of the bantering and decides to charge me. Well this should be entertaining! As it approaches I lower my sword, ready to skewer it. Seeing my blade, it unfurls its terrible wings and takes to the sky. Ahah! This foe is obviously going to be tricky! My dreamself returns his sword to its holster and then gestures at the beast with a single index finger. Oh! Magic time! Fire bursts forth from the finger and nails the beast in the face. Burn you motherfucker burn! The fire washes over it, doing precisely squat and it laughs.
"Fire? I WAS BORN OF THIS!" It yells and laughs. Unfortunately for it, it is somewhat distracted by all the laughing its doing and slams into the side of the tower.
Well that's a bloody let down! The dragon crashes to the floor, obviously out cold. Ah well. That just means more time laying that sweet Princess whoever-the-fuck. I drop my shield and charge up to the tower door. Its unlocked! My dreamself is grinning as he charges up the stairs. So many stairs. Boring stairs. Anyway, eventually after running up all those stairs I finally reach the top of 'em.
A small tangent, you see when I saw that door I noticed a funny thing happening in my head. It was like my inner caveman just kicked in and bloody hell if I wasn't getting unusually aroused. As my dreamhand pushed it open, it felt like someone had poured fire into my veins! The good kind, not actual fire.
Anyway, back to the dream. The highest tower bedroom, decked out in a similar manner to the guest room, but that's immaterial. The bed was four postered, screened off by whisper thin sheets so all I could see was a vague outline shadowed against them. Oh please be Sarah Michelle Gellar under there! My dreamself smiled and announced his presence to her.
"Fear not, Mi'lady, for it is I. Knight Shade. I have come to rescue you from your imprisonment." Ugh. That name.
I notice a single white hankerchief drop from behind the screens. I know what that is! Its a token! My dreamself smile went into a full on grin as he walked to collect the token and return it to fair lady. He reached out, moving the material to behold his prize as his eyes lock on the Princess.
No. This cannot be. IT'S FUCKING LUNA AGAIN. WHAT THE SHIT SUBCONSCIOUS?! My dreamself looks into her eyes as an intimate and familiar piece of my anatomy beings to climb. No. Abort. Let me out of here!
'WANT IT.'
Wait, who the fuck is that? Who's talking in my fucking head?
'LIBIDO'
Oh. OH. No you fuck off!
'NEED IT.'
You don't talk, you're just the animal part of my hindbrain! You just keep running the secondary systems onboard the USS Shade and leave the decision making to me.
'TAKING OVER.'
My dreamself moved forward as Luna rose from the bed. Slowly, I nuzzled that pony and she sighed with pleasure. My hands stroking her soft fur. She went for the kiss, a slow gentle one with no oral examination. It was lovely. As she pulled away, she placed a hoof on my chest and looked at me. Oh God, I'm going to have sex in my dream. Abort this!
'NO.'
"So boot, do you want me to take care of that?" Luna's mouth spoke with HOOFBEAT'S VOICE? WHAT THE FUCK?!
"What?" I finally say as the dream starts collapsing.
Pew! Saved by the bell! After I wrestle back control from my retarded libido, who by the way has never actually spoken before, I'm gunna kiss whoever woke me up. And hug them. And thank them for waking up at whatever the fuck O'clock it is. I can feel the warmth of the bed. I can also feel that I've got a bit of the old nocturnal penile tumescence or in laymans terms I've got morning woody. Well, that's kinda normal.
Then I notice something. A pressure on my chest. Precisely where Luna was touching my armor in the dream. Eh, what's that about? I open my eyes and see Hoofbeat staring back at me. She's not wearing armor, its on the floor. She's naked. And then the smell hits me.
"I asked you a question, do you want me to take care of that?" She whispers, flicking her hair in a sultry manner.
Oh god. What is that smell? Why am I so turned on by Hoofy? Is it something to do with that smell? Hoofbeat starts drawing little circles with her limb, slowly snaking it downwards. Oh god, she's getting lower but for the life of me I don't want her to stop. And, then, she's touching me on the dangle. I gasp and she smiles.
"I'm not hearing a no..." She starts rubbing.
Oh no. Oh yes. Oh God what the fuck is wrong with me. Is this good? Am I enjoying this? Its a pony! An animal for fuck sake! Don't stop! Stop! ARGH!
Smiling, her horn lights up and she starts to pull the covers away. Oh shit, I went to bed naked! The covers go away and I'm now wearing nothing but bruises, welts and my birthday suit. She steps up onto the bed and, leaning forward, presses her lips to mine. Internally, I'm having a fucking meltdown. This is happening right now and for some reason I'm actually wanting it to. She's going for it. Moment of truth Shade, do or don't do but make a fucking decision you idiot!
A realisation flashes into my mind. That smell is pheromones. So much pheromone that its overriding my brain and making me think I actually want this to happen. It's the same reason my Libido went fucking mental and could pull that shit off while I was dreaming.
Suitably armed and deciding to abort this shit, I notice Hoof's dreamy expression as she's about to... How can I put this in a classy sounding way.. 'Finalise her approach for docking'. I grab her around the middle before she can finish and she looks at me.
"Ooh. Boot. Those hands." Ugh. I may need to douse them in bleach after this.
Hoof only weighs 50 kilos. I can lift that, so I do. She looks faintly confused as I keep her at arms length and take her to the bathroom. Then her eyes light up as she sees the bath. Double ugh. I put her in the bath and turn on the tap-thing.
"I've never done it in a bath before..." She starts to say, but does not finish as I spray her psychotic ass with ice cold water. She screams.
"And you never will. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yesterday you beat the everloving shit out of me, which by the way still fucking hurts, and then today you're getting naked in my room, trying to hump me!" I give her another dose of icewater and she looks drenched.
"I'm in heat you idiot!" She yells at me. Ok, what the fuck is that. "I CAN'T HELP IT! IT JUST MAKES ME CRAZY! I'M SORRY!"
"What?" Did I just get an apology?
"I said I'm sorry. Whenever I enter a heat cycle I have to keep away from the Guards, but Celestia thought since you weren't a pony it'd be ok for me to train you while it passes." Celestia, you fucking bitch. "But when I saw you with your... Well, I couldn't help myself."
I may have to burn my bath after this. Horny psychopathic military mare in my tub. Fantastic. Hoof looks suitably chilled out after my rather uncreative use of the old fashioned 'Cold bath' technique. She also looks miserable and remorseful. Fortunately the smell had gone down to nothing, so atleast that's one less thing to worry about.
"What you're going to do." I say to her as I turn off the water and grab a towel. "Is never ever hit me with a fucking riding crop again. Never yell at me with your instructors voice again and refer to me as 'Shade' not 'Boot'. Then maybe I'll consider forgiving you for nearly raping me in there."
Kindness: Deployed! She looks suitably happy. For some reason I start toweling her off the same way I used to do for Rachel. She doesn't appear to be averse to it, she actually seems to be enjoying it. Not like that though, you filth. If she looked at me like that again I'd just pick her up and throw her out the window.
"I'm also calling you Hoofy." She looks at me. I'm honestly surprised to see she's smiling. "Do you know any healing spells?" I ask.
"One or two basic ones. Why, are you hurt?" She looks over my chest, apparently completely blind to the fact its blacker than night. "You don't look hurt."
"Hoofy. How do you not see this bruise?"
"I thought that was your coat color." Ok, that's retarded.
"It's a bruise. It's blood under the skin from where you were beating on me with that fucking crop. It hurts like a bitch and I'd very much like for it to go away." Her eyes widen at the idea she practically bled me yesterday.
Her horn glows. Well, this should be interesting. From it comes a blast of greenish energy that seems to curve around me, then it touches my skin and, buddy, that's a great feeling! Like the warmth of the sun on a beautiful summers day! As the energy goes to work, I see all that bruise slowly coming away like it's being erased. Awesome spell. I need to learn this. After a few more seconds, she stops and I'm good.. No, Better than good! Even my muscles aren't sore anymore! Hoofy looks me over and smiles.
"Thanks. Wow." I'm patting myself down, only to realise I'm naked. I whip a towel around me before she gets another look at my dangle. "Shall we do some nice, quiet training?" Hoof looks surprised.
"Probably not a good idea to stay inside, all things considered." She chuckles nervously. "Hmm. I'll show you the statue garden, lots of things to see and you can practice out there."
I nod my agreement as she gets out of the tub. As I walk back into the bedroom, I see the pile of golden armor and, surprisingly, my clothes. Only they've been laundered again. Along with my underwear. As I grab them, I turn to see Hoofy's horn glow and there is a bang. Her armor is back on. That's another spell I need to learn. Returning to the bathroom, I throw on my clothes as fast as I can. Then, she teleports us to the Canterlot Statue Garden.
That's a lot of fucking statues. Seriously. Most of them don't even make sense. Why are there two of that one? What's that even supposed to be? Hoofy's watching me hold a Torch! since we got here and hasn't stop talking. None of what she's saying makes any sense. How can a statue represent victory? Why is a pony tower of little ones a friendship thing?
"HELLO."
What the fuck. What the fuck is sitting in my Mindbrary right now. It's... Its a pink cloud. How did that even get in here?!
"I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE YOU BEFORE! LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS! SUCH CHAOS TO BE FOUND IN THEM!"
Huh. Well. I stop walking as Hoofbeat continues on the tour, my concentration rattled I dispel the torch and withdraw my attention from the outside to the inside of the mindbrary. A pink fucking cloud is sitting in the middle. Not doing anything. Just sitting.
"EVEN YOUR INTERNAL MONOLOG IS FUNNY!" Whatever it is roars with laughter.
Another fucking mindrape go add to the list of attempted rapes on me. Fucking hell. Shutting out reality for a minute, I summon my driving glove of 'Get the fuck out' and reach for the pink cloud. As I do so, it skips away from me laughing. Get the fuck back here so I can kick your violating ass out!
"DON'T YOU WANT TO GO HOME, SHADE? WE CAN MAKE A DEAL!"
Ok. You have my attention, cloudy. Make it good.
"RELEASE ME AND I'LL SEND YOU HOME!"
"SHADE!" I feel something tugging me back from the mindbrary. "SHADE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Hoofbeat is using her instructor voice again. Fuck sake.
Shaking my head, I fall back into reality not in the same place I left it. For some reason I've got my hand clamped around the leg of a statue and my right hand is wreathed in a green glow of Hoof's telekinesis. Looking up, it looks like a statue of what you'd find if you cast a healing spell on a cheap sausage. Pony head, lion and hawk paw. Snake tail. Fuckin' wierd looking thing.
"YOU ONLY NEED TOUCH MY LEG AND I'LL SEND YOU HOME! JUST SAY THE WORDS AND TOUCH MY LEG! DO IT! DO IT NOW!" The pink cloud is getting antsy.
"SHADE LET GO OF THE STATUE!"
Yeah, this is not a good plan. Its an obviously poisoned chalice. I'm an idiot but this guy might aswell have 'I'm the bad guy' written on his forehead with 'I WILL ALSO BETRAY YOU' underneath that. No way I'm letting him out. No way. Just gunna walk away. Walk away. Walk. My legs aren't responding. I can't let go.
"LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DOING THIS THE HARD WAY THEN!" The pink cloud says.
My hand starts to lower itself towards the leg. My mouth speaks with a voice that is not my own.
"Discord." It says. "I unleash you unto this world."
And then everything goes black.