CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION
Thank you sir/ma'am for purchasing this issue of the Human's Guide to Species in Equestria! Judging by the title, you might assume about what this is about. And as such, means you consciously took this and decided to read it. With that, we humbly thank you. However, you know that little bit we had mentioned about you taking this book? Well, we lied. Rather, you were forced to read this, or at least you were paid to. Which undoubtedly means that you are human. But since you are human, means this guide is just for you! So, maybe that whole nonsense about forcing you to read it might not be so bad after all.
But, we can already tell you that this is no ordinary book. No, this is a very special book. One powered by magic, mystery, and a uranium based power core. So, with that, sit back, if you have one, and brace yourself for a more-or-less interesting introduction.
This, as you already know, is a guide. A guide to what? Well, if you read the title you would know you big dummy. But in all seriousness, the series of Humans Guides are a truly remarkable chain of books. Though, when we say chain, we really mean two books. But you don't know that... This book is much different than other books, outselling many others for 5 reasons.
One being it is slightly cheaper, two being it is written in an informative, yet entertaining manner. And four... No wait, three having real Equestrian facts and none of that other bologna you find in other guides. Though, the fourth and far most important reason is because it is the only guide for humans. Who by some coincidence managed to find themselves in our very own Equestria. And what is the fifth reason, you may ask? We're not too sure ourselves, so you might want to ask someone important like a police officer or a hobo.
If you are by some odd chance, reading this guide for your first time, we would highly suggest reading the first version of this guide. You can conveniently find the first issue at any library or any local grocery store dumpster. So, without further adieu, let us explain how you got here and how this guide is for you.
In the beginning there was nothing, and then all of the sudden, the universe was born. This from the start, made a lot of people very very angry. Which they later called the Big Belch. Though what is really important is what happens a little farther in the future in Space. Space, as some other guides mention, is big. Very big, so big you might explode thinking how big it truly is. And with space being so big and all, it’s no surprise that it is filled with many weird or otherwise bizarre things.
I mean, you really don't know how mindbogglingly big it actually is. Though, by some odd chance you managed to wind up here, of all places. But one thing is clear, you are a pony. Why? We're not sure. Actually, you aren't a pony, rather you are something completely different. Whether it be a mighty Griffin, to a humble Crystal pony, to an imaginative Sea pony. You are no longer human. Well, that isn't true. Because if you were a full pony/griffin/other thing, then you wouldn't need this guide... For some reason.
Now, before we move on, you are probably thinking: "OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" While there are others reading this thinking: "Oh not again..."
The most popular method for a human, such as you, to arrive here in Equestria is because you died. We're not sure how, or why, but you did. If by some unorthodox reason you got here by some other means, then you probably didn't die in a lame manner. Now, before we go into detail on your arrival, please follow this rule, because it might just save you from insanity:
Rule 1: DON'T PANIC! Actually, panic a little, but just don't draw attention to yourself.
This is a rather interesting rule, as you were probably panicking like a foal who accidentally set their mane on fire in a freak gopher accident. Though, it has been proven, if you don't panic, you don't go insane.
You might be thinking, “How did I wind up here?” Well, that‘s a very excellent question, and before you find out why, you must first ask yourself these three questions:
1. "Who am I?"
2. "Where am I?"
3. "And what is this Lemon I found next to me?"
Have you asked yourself these questions? Good, then let us begin.
You wound up here by dying. This is common to feel a sense of "WTF" upon your arrival. Now, take this into consideration. Since the universe is so big and stuff, you dying means that you had a 98.9999% chance of dying in a lame way. To list the many new, but so very common ways one gets here can be found below.
1. A freak science accident which happened to you when eating candy while operating something really big and powerful.
2. Cars. (As said in the previous guide, after another hundred attempts to find out what exactly a car is. The results have stayed the same. We have no clue what they are, but they seem to kill quite a few of you.)
3. A freak gopher accident. (Have you ever nudged your buddy and said, "Hey, you know what would be a smashing idea? Taking a spray bottle of acid and spraying a rabid gopher!" Well, this happened more than once.)
4. Trying to fly. (Don't try so hard next time, unless you have wings now.)
5. Simultaneous trans-dimensional portals. (You are watering flowers when all of a sudden BOOM like that you are here. It's happened before.)
6. Trying to get to Equestria. (Odd humans, trying and get here because they think it's nice... Well, they succeeded, and they have yet to decide if it is nice or not.)
7. Death by a stick of butter.
8. Death by two sticks of butter.
9. Wanting to see the inside of an active volcano right inside it.
10. An explosion. (It is an important thing to remind yourself that you should never eat a burrito, drink a milkshake, and order pizza all at the same time. The results are catastrophic.)
Though there is an even longer list of things that brings all sorts of things to Equestria. For example, during a school kite flying contest in Ponyville. A pony's kite went so high that it caused a small orb to fall down from space and shout out random, but interesting facts about space. Some of which were completely and utterly bonkers, but it was still entertaining to watch.
A common question that all readers of the guide is, who is the pony who makes these wonderful things to read? That is a very good question. The author of this guide has wrote the most critically acclaimed books title: How to survive the shopping season, How to how to do the stuff, and the critically acclaimed novel called Shiners List of Depression.
Though, the author should be referred to as just the Author. Because he's not really important. What is important is: Was that lemon right next to you when you came here? If, on the off chance you did not arrive with a lemon, then you are too lucky and should probably consult a doctor.
This lemon in question, is called a Bail Lemon. If you wish to find out more about these, and what horrible things they are before it's too late, refer back to guide one.
Now, you sit there once more thinking, "How is it I came here by dying? Shouldn't I go to the afterlife full of puppies, and cupcakes?" No. Because the universe is infinite, and it‘s because of this, that the universe has become cranky and rather jerkish. You see, when the universe was born it was picked on by the other universes because he couldn't kick a ball properly. Of course, the first time the universe did kick the ball correctly it caused a ten year war between two very powerful species. Which ended after both species and their armies were swallowed by a large puppy named Steve.
Because of this, the universe messes with its inhabitants. Mainly humans. We're not sure why, but it does. Occasionally, these events that were originally intended to annoy us have at times a much more positive effect. As such, means that the rule below exists:
Rule 2: The universe hates you, but not totally.
Remember this, for it might save your life one day... Or cause the economic collapse of a far off empire on another continent.
But you are probably sitting there, thinking about just what the heck you've become, because let's face it. You’re clueless. But try not to freak out, because we've listed the following races a human, like yourself, can become. And yes, some are pretty neat, and some are not very impressive at all.
A good thing to consider though, is that not all races have hooves and horns. Rather, some have claws, weird cheese horn things, and... Hands. It is easy to adapt to just about anything with time, but only a true master of their new form can perform the most deadly of tasks. Like opening that silly bottle of ketchup you need your older subordinate to open for you. Because you used the towel and it still didn't open.
Rule 3: Every race is bright and beautiful. Don't look at them all though, you could go blind. Then everyone would laugh at you, and you wouldn't like that.
The races/species that are listed will be covered in this guide, however, if you are not one of the following, you are something else. If you don't know what you are, or are not listed below, consult your local government so that you may be studied and researched for the rest of your continued existence in this world. Thank you. (They are also not listed in order.)
1. SEA PONIES.
4. DIAMOND DOGS.
5. WEIRD CAT THINGYS. (This may be a subject, the probability is rather low though.)
8. A FLYING BALL OF STUFF. (This will not be covered, but it has happened.)
9. ...Do I dare list this... Fine, ALICORNS.
10. CRYSTAL PONIES.
And possibly some others, who may or may not be important enough to list here. Though most likely it's because they were not that important.
It is important to note that all of these things could be you, and by that, we mean you could be one of these... Things. Though, contrary to popular belief, life is very much different as each one than you could believe. For example, have you ever tried to stick a whole melon up your nose? Well, Sea Ponies can do that. However, no other race can, which is why being a different species is both a good and bad thing. Mainly because at parties Sea Ponies get all the mares with the melon trick. (Or vise versa.)
Throughout this guide we will detail important historical moments which helped something important to happen. Because, if they were not important events, then they aren't important enough to get their own movie. So, for your first lesson we'll tell you about Melvin, the traveling bucket of limes. Why are we talking about a bucket of limes? Well, read to find out you, silly thing you.
History 1: Once upon a time, about 436 years ago to be exact. There was a Human who had come to Equestria, though it would not be discovered till later that he wasn't a human, and he had in fact had too much to drink the night before. But this odd stallion found a bucket of limes on his way home that night. He named it Melvin, and for a good long while (39 minutes) the two were the best of friends. Little did he know that, the limes were actually Lemons. Bail Lemons to be exact, and if you know what Bail Lemons are, then you know just how bad they can be.
It turns out that not only in that brief 39 minutes did he wish for the bucket to come to life, he wished that instead of the bland ponies that traveled into town every day, they would be switched with colorful new ponies. Instead of getting colorful new traveling ponies, Melvin had altered the transdimensional barrier which in some cases turns humans who travel across it into something else. That is how it all started. However, the Bucket of limes, or lemons, left on it's own. It only traveled ten feet before being smashed by a piano.
It is an historical fact that humans who have not only turned into a random non-pony not only smell lemony once they get out of the barrier, they also smell slightly like a grape fruit. Magical Canterlot Scientist have spent years trying to figure out why this is the case. But instead of finding the answer they would just rather watch their favorite show and eat oven baked snacks.
Our world, is a vast world. Filled with wonder and enchantment. You have legs, strong wonderful legs and a mind fresh and clear with a new cleaned slab of life right in front of you. Not really right in front of you, because the weight of that slab might crush your legs. That is, if you have legs on your lower section of your body... It will crush something, and you won't like it.
But having a world as amazing and vast as our own comes with both trial, and error. Either you make it, or you don't. Which is why this guide was made. So you can make it, in this vast, expansive, fantasticimicationness world. In each chapter of this guide, we will cover the following, and possibly, in this order listed:
1. A in-depth look at your race/species and some general physical advantages and weaknesses. (For instance: Sea Ponies are weak against soy sauce.)
2. Jobs, careers, and housing for your species/race and a look at how hard life will be for you.
3. Mating, and finding a mate of your species.
4. A look into health and diets.
5. A bit of history of your species.
6. Living average life.
7. How to survive in pony society. (Because other societies are very biased towards humans. But most of pony society are very accepting, but there will be starring on the first day. Don't worry, they'll go blind.)
And many, many, more things. So remember, when life seems jolly rotten, once you've hit the bottom, just try to laugh and dance and sing. Because with a little willpower, your really strong rather nice looking legs, and this guide. You'll not only be able to live in Equestria as your new self, but you'll be able to thrive.
So don't panic, and remember that your new life can only go up from here. Unless you're stupid, then it won't... At all. But, as they say now-a days, "When life gives you lemons, take them and throw them on the ground. Because you wanted apples, and the universe decided that you should get lemons instead."