//------------------------------// // Magical Mystery Cure // Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student // by milesprower06 //------------------------------// Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student by milesprower06 Magical Mystery Cure Dear Princess Celestia, Well well well, what a conundrum I've got myself into here. I never thought I'd hear myself say these words, but I actually managed to make my friends...worse. I knew that book you sent me was bad news. That is the last time I open any book that has my name on it, because now I've got 5 tangled up destinies to deal with. First up? Rarity is now responsible for Ponyville's weather. Normally, a checkerboard thunderstorm would be stylish, but it turns out ponies don't like getting rained on in 10-second increments. I also find it funny how the populace kinda just got pissed off, and didn't bat an eyelash at the sudden switch of their weather pony. At the very least, Daisy and Roseluck should've started another Cutie Pox scare. So to find out what happened to Rainbow Dash, Rarity points us to Fluttersh-, I mean, Rainbow Dash's cottage. Unsurprisingly, the animal house is out of control. I noticed Gummy around there too, so, I don't even want to know what happened to Pinkie. Maybe she finally got so stoned out of her mind that he escaped. Fluttershy is now the town's entertainer and party pony, but the party goers were unimpressed, because their regular entertainer doubles as a drug dealer. But they did get a kick out of Spike coming in the door and going 'heyyyyyyyy sexay ponies'. Following the trail of fucked up fates took us to Sweet Apple Acres, where Pinkie is now responsible for the chores and farm labor. I find it a little odd that the rest of the Apple family was no where to be seen. Kinda like they just went “Welp, Pinkie has an apple mark, let's pack it up, folks.” I'm pretty sure Pinkie is also double-jointed because she just bent her knee fucking backwards trying to buck an apple tree. And I read a manual on house maintenance and repair, and it absolutely says to put all of your body weight onto a misaligned gutter. Wrapping up this chaotic cuntbucket was Applejack, now making dresses in Carousel Boutique. I've got to be 100% completely honest; these articles of clothing she was making wouldn't even be suitable for the Grand Galloping Ghetto. Fax Machine and I return to the library to try and figure out what we did wrong. Turns out it's a bad idea to read passages from ancient incomplete spellbooks. Whoops. Determined to set everything back to it's kinda-shitty normality, I catch Fluttershy just as she's preparing to move back to Cloudsdale. While she didn't think she knew anything about animals, I figured I could jog her memory if I wanted her to help a friend instead. Shame we didn't get there just a few minutes later, or we could have tried Skittles. But now I know how crucially important Fluttershy is to the town; if they don't get fed every few hours, they go on a killing spree. She is the sole reason Ponyville isn't a bloody mess. Our initial plan was to only feed the animals a small amount to stave off their hunger, then leave Rainbow there to torture her as the animals slowly became hungry again. But then we realized we were going to need her outside to fix the weather, so, you know. That plan didn't work. We brought her outside to show that Rarity didn't know how to move clouds out of the way, because ponies don't want rain all the time. Grateful to not be lunch, Rainbow clears the skies, and then it was off to Carousel Boutique to put an end to the crime against fashion...and against things that are considered less than fashion. I mean, there are some pieces of clothing in there that I wouldn't put on mules. So we get Applejack away from the sewing machines so Rarity can return to her war crimes against fashion, creating articles of clothing that aren't even fit for, dare I say, earth ponies. Then we all went down to Sweet Apple Acres to witness Applejack restore a dying farm in mere minutes. Oh, and her family appeared out of nowhere. If you ask me, I'd say Big Mac was in the basement torturing and raping fillies. Have no idea where the other two were. Maybe when Applejack went to her designer career, they finally decided to cut their losses and put Granny Smith in a home. It must be comforting, knowing your livelihood depends on a single dim-witted southerner. Lastly, we had to appease the townsfolk. Because rain and the lack of a drug dealer really pisses ponies off. And all it takes is a pair of funny glasses and some poofy hair to make them forget about their poor miserable meaningless lives. So with everything fixed, we hold a parade out of nowhere. I wonder if the town marching band is just standing around waiting for random songs being sung. Then I had the greatest idea; take the book that started all this trouble and write an alternate ending, where everybody died, and the world didn't have to deal with any more sparkling characters. Seriously, we already have enough of that with the Crystal Meth Empire. So it's all in a good day. Now that I've finished that awful book, does that mean my studies in Ponyville are finally done? Wait, what the fuck are the Elements- *** “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh FUCK what did we do?!” Rarity screamed “The fuck if I know! They just came on!” Pinkie replied, panic starting to set in. “Don't point that fucking necklace at me, Pinkie! You saw what just happened! Are you high???” “Probably” Rainbow muttered. Meanwhile, Spike just sat in the corner. “Would you guys chill the fuck out?” “Why should we chill? Our elements just vaporized Twilight!” “Yeah, exactly. Congrats. I was getting pretty tired of that stuck-up cynical bitch, and I don't see why you guys weren't.” “We were, Spike. But we were more along the lines of sending her back up to Canterlot with the other snobs, not blast her into atoms!” “Yeah, but this way nopony has to deal with her.” “But she was Celestia's student!” “She'll find someone else.” “Yeah, potentially someone worse! That's what I was always afraid of!” “Oh, oh what do we do what do we do what do we do?” Fluttershy asked anxiously. “Just shut the fuck up and let me think for a minute!” “Alright, um, you all saw it; she came at me with a knife and a really horny look in her eyes.” “What? That's the best you can come up with? Let's say she strapped a bomb to herself and threatened to blow herself up if we didn't have sex with her. Of course, nopony is gonna have sex with a unicorn with a bomb, so we barely managed to escape the blast radius.” “Yeah! But, you know, she's shitty at making bombs, so she just took herself out and not the library.” “Alright, sweet. Looks like we've got our story. Now let's go tell the rest of the town. I have a feeling they're going to want to celebrate.” *** “H-hello? Where the fuck am I? What is this place?” A white figure began to materialize in the distance, blurry at first, but then became more clear. “Congratulations, Twilight. I knew this was hopeless.” “Princess! What the hell do you want? What did I do?” “You did something today that's never been done before. Something even a sassy unicorn like Star Swirl the Bearded wasn't able to do. Because he cared about others in a way you never have. You have proven that there is no hope.” “No hope? For what?” ~You're worse, than some month-old hay And I've watched you from that very first day To see how you might groan To see who you can't screw To see what you've bitched through And all the ways you've made me pissed at you It's time now, for a new mare to come I'm fed up, and I can't find Luna's gun So blow who you will blow And never set Spike free You'll never get any Now it's time for you to get the fuck away from me *** Dear Princess Celestia, What. The. Fuck. Out of fear of your retribution, we have tolerated this bitch for two years. She has tried unsuccessfully to sleep with 80% of this town. The library is supposed to be a place of learning and relaxation, and has been the most unpleasant place in a 20 mile radius ever since she arrived. So now that we thought, that by pure chance, we finally got rid of her, you dump her back in Ponyville WITH WINGS! The entire fucking town was ready to throw the biggest celebration in it's history, and you manage to fuck it all up. And really? A Princess? You are making this racist, bigoted, stuck-up hopeless slut royalty? What the fucking hell will that accomplish? Just goes to prove that if you fuck up the lives of five ponies, then miraculously fix it after crying on your bed, you'll get rewarded. Damn you. Damn you to hell! Sincerely, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy *** Dear Princess Celestia, From now on, I will curse your name every night until my vocal chords give out, you conniving, scheming troll. I had one shot at my freedom; my patience, as I simply waited for this cunt to die, and then you increase her lifespan by tenfold. I cannot fathom why the fucking hell you would make Twilight a princess other than to fulfill the position of Royal Bitch. Sometimes it almost seems like somepony like you would already have that position. You don't think I remember what Equestria was like eons ago? With all the pink, tea parties, smooze, seaponies, and dressing in style? History will eventually repeat itself. Sooner or later, your world will fall, and the dragons will rise up again. When that time comes, I will impale your head on a jewel-encrusted dildo for all to see. Sleep with one eye open from now on, and thank your sun that I can't find any anthrax. Spike *** Memo: To Joe and Bob I had a feeling I was going to regret making you two royal guards. You two idiots had one job. ONE. JOB. Pull Princess Twilight's carriage through the Coronation Parade route. Yet she fell out not even one hundred feet in, and you two bozos just kept going! Because everyone attending the parade obviously wants to see the CARRIAGE! Nope, they are not interested in seeing the newest royalty in Equestria at all. Just that fine glittery set of wheels. If I catch hell for this, it's gonna be your asses. - Coronation Parade Manager *** Dear Twilight, I have to make myself perfectly clear; don't you dare get any funny ideas. You are not equal with me at all, and to absolutely make sure there are no misunderstandings about that, I got myself this big-ass crown. I am putting you in charge of Ponyville. So when that cesspool finally explodes or something, I can have somepony to blame. So go and have your fun. Luna and I have started a pool to bet on how long you last. Good luck, my unfaithful bitch. I have a feeling you're going to be needing it. Sincerely, Princess Celestia *** Dear Princess Celestia, Fuck yes, both of our kids are awesome! To be perfectly honest, we were a bit worried about Twilight there for a while, but now? Pfft, what the hell do we care? She's royalty! Whoo! Sincerely, Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle *** To Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy, I, Princess Twilight, hereby decree that you are all summoned to the upper floor of the library in fifteen minutes, where you will take on a new mission for Equestria. We will study the magic of friendship with benefits. No one is leaving until all of you have tasted my liquid pride, and I finally have the satisfaction I have been craving since I can no longer remember. Ignoring this decree is punishable by mooning. Sincerely, Best Princess, Twilight Sparkle