//------------------------------// // Chapter 5 // Story: Palace Perils // by Rated Ponystar //------------------------------// Palace Perils By The Rated Ponystar Formerly Edited by Fernin and tayman2037 Still Edited by Clavier and Adjudicator *** How? How did Celestia manage to do this for nearly a thousand years? Philomena had seen her owner do it with a smile on her face every time, but now she was starting to suspect that it had all been a facade. It had only been two hours and already Philomena was regretting her decision to act in Luna’s place. Having to deal with endless requests that ranged from stupid to ‘Dear Faust, how long is this pony going to keep talking’. She was tempted to just fake a heart attack and be carried away from this nightmare. Then again, that would cause chaos like Equestria's never seen… one of the princesses asleep, the other suddenly ‘dead’, thought Philomena as she lazy stared at her new hoof. Naturally, she had been shocked by her new appearance. At first she was ready to tell somepony about her sudden change, but realized that there was some excitement to be had at Luna’s expense. It would only be some harmless fun—well, maybe not for Luna’s reputation—but it wasn’t like she was trying to take over the country. Passing off for Luna wasn’t a problem, since one of the first things you have to do when pranking a victim is to get to know their habits and quirks. Even getting used to the body wasn’t that hard. Wings she had known how to use for ages, and, while it took some getting used too, walking turned out to be quite easy. The only problem she had was using alicorn magic. It was quite different from the type of magic phoenix's had. With no way of using magic, Philomena feared that until Celestia was up it would be night for quite a while. She told the advisors when they asked her to raise the sun that Celestia never taught her and she was not up to full strength due to the party the previous night to even raise the moon. To her relief, they told her that that Celestia had made a backup plan long ago just in case certain events prevent her from summoning the day and night. According to the advisors, she formed a special group just around the time of Nightmare Moon’s banishment that trained to raise the sun and moon, similar to how the unicorns raised them before the sisters came to power. They had only been used a few times in history, mostly when Celestia was too sick to work, and while they weren’t as fast or efficient as Celestia or Luna, they could get the job done. With that taken care of, Philomena was ready to start her plans in embarrassing Luna further. However, she was soon quickly shoved to the throne room to substitute for Celestia’s day court. More like constant-whining-and-flank-kissing court, thought Philomena, rolling her eyes as the latest arrival continued on with her presentation. I swear, the requests they make: lowering the tax rates, blessing foals, approving another statue of Celestia, denying research plans to investigate mythological creatures... what kind of a creature is a ‘human’ anyway? Her current annoyance was in the form of a unicorn named Colgate, who was going on about some health issue or whatnot. The pony even brought slides to support her argument. Slowly dying of boredom, Philomena decided she’d had enough and raised her hoof. “Enough! I get the picture. Whatever it is that you want you can have.” Colgate stopped talking and gave Philomena a wide smile, her teeth as perfect as can be. “You mean it?! You’ll outlaw cakes and sweets in Equestria in favor of sugar-free snacks and treats?!” “Yes, sure, whatever. Effective immediately and all that,” said Philomena, ignoring the disbelieving looks and shaking heads from her advisors. She didn’t see what the big deal was. So some ponies lose their devil’s food, no big deal. A couple of them needed to lose a few pounds anyway. Colgate bowed over and over again as she retreated from the throne room with her projector and slides. “Thank you so much, Princess Luna! If you ever need a checkup for your teeth just look me up!” “Yeah, sure.” Philomena lazily waved goodbye with her hoof and jumped off her throne. “Okay, ponies. Let’s take five. I wanna see my sister.” Everypony obeyed and bowed as she made her way to the door, a pair of Night Guards accompanying her. She couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of everypony bowing before her. She was even tempted to head into the city and see what she could get away with in Luna’s body, but there would be plenty of time for that later. Right now I’ve got to check on Celestia. “Um, your majesty?” asked one of the Night Guards, nervously. “Permission to speak?” “Sure, go ahead,” said Philomena. “Are you... well? I know things have been stressful for you these past few days, but the decisions you’ve been making today have been, well...,” he bit his tongue,”... unorthodox.” “How so?” asked Philomena, stopping at a suit of armor to look at her new face in the reflection. I wonder what would happen if I covered this face in zits? There is that cream that I’ve been meaning to test out... “Well, you’ve ordered that pegasi are now required to fly backwards on Fridays. There’s the fact that you declared a special holiday on which ponies pay special homage to birds. You’ve asked the guards to dance to Swan Lake—in their heaviest armor, might I add—for your amusement. And you’ve given yourself the title ‘Queen of the Geeks and Losers of the World’,” pointed out the guard. Philomena giggled. “Oh, I'm just giving myself the title that I so rightfully deserve. Anyway, nopony had a problem with it, so let’s just go and see how Twilight Sparkle and her friends are dealing with my sister, shall we?” “Yes, Princess Luna.” “Princess what?” asked Philomena, sweetly. The guard sighed. “Princess Luna, Queen of the Geeks and Losers of the World.” Philomena nodded in satisfaction before they arrived at Princess Celestia’s bedchamber. She knocked and was greeted with a blast of confetti and balloons when the doors opened. Pinkie stuck her head out and smiled. “Hey there, Luna! Come on in, the party is just starting!” “For the tenth time, Pinkie, we are not having a ‘Wake Up Princess Celestia Party’!” shouted Twilight from inside. Ordering the guards to stay put, Philomena entered the room with Pinkie Pie, noticing the party pony’s work all over. There were large streamers, balloons, and even a few banners, like ‘Wake Up Celestia!’ and ‘The Sun Is Up! Why Aren’t You?’. Pinkie Pie started to pout as Twilight began banishing the party supplies one by one with a quick blast of magic while Rainbow Dash was shaking a slumbering Princess Celestia in her bed. “Come on, already! Wake up!” The only response was a loud snore from the sun-raiser. Rainbow Dash slapped Princess Celestia in the rump, only to get a kick from a rear leg that sent her flying into the wall, leaving an imprint of her body. Slowly peeling herself off, Rainbow Dash shook her mane free of some left-over rubble, and shouted, “Geez, Twilight, how many times did you shoot her with the sleeping paintballs?! It’s been nearly seventeen hours!” “Don’t remind me! Oh, how could I have lost it back there?! Princess Celestia is going to be so mad at me!” Twilight started to pace around, strains of her mane slowly uncurled while her pupils got smaller and smaller. “She’s not going to let me be her student anymore! She might even banish me from Equestria! Or worse... she might banish me from all the libraries in the world!" Rainbow Dash coughed the word ‘egghead’ into her hoof while Philomena did her best to not laugh at the panicking unicorn’s behavior. And she’s supposed to be the logical one of the group? “Relax, Twilight. I’m sure Princess Celestia will just laugh about the whole thing. Besides, it was an accident,” assured Pinkie Pie, putting her foreleg around Twilight’s neck. “A rage-fueled, phoenix-hating accident, but an accident nonetheless.” “Oh, trust me. Once Princess Celestia wakes up, I’m going to get that bird and dissect her for science!” growled Twilight, foam slowly forming around her muzzle. Philomena gulped and quickly wiped some sweat off her brow. “A–Anyway, has Philomena awakened yet?” “I was about to go check. I’ll let you know what happens, Princess Luna,” said Twilight, quickly leaving the room to check on ‘Philomena’. The real phoenix couldn’t help but imagine the possible outcomes Luna would face with an angry Twilight Sparkle, let alone the revelation that she was no longer in her own body. The reactions would be picture worthy. It’s going to be a shame when all this ends. Might as well enjoy it while I can. “Hey, Pinkie Pie!” shouted Rainbow Dash, catching everypony’s attention. “I think I have an idea on how we can wake Princess Celestia up, follow me!” “Coming!” sung Pinkie Pie, bouncing out the door with her fellow prankster. All alone, Philomena turned to the bed and saw her sleeping owner. Smiling at the cute, peaceful expression on Celestia’s face, Philomena took her hoof and caressed her owner’s warm cheek. The fake princess’s smile soon reversed as she sat next to the bed. Lowering her head, she muttered, “I’m sorry you got hurt. Luna was my target, never you. I could never prank you, Celestia.” She leaned down and nuzzled Celestia’s neck, letting out a soft sigh. “I’ll make sure you wake up soon. I don’t think I can handle doing your job any longer than I am.” It felt so good to be by her owner once more. Just the two of them and nopony el— “Luna...” whispered Celestia, before falling silent once more. Philomena’s eyes widened. Rising from the bed, she stared at the sleeping princess in silence. The warmth in her eyes slowly faded away and was replaced with a burning rage. Hoof shaking, she stomped on the floor and nearly screamed, but managed to keep her mouth shut. A knock on the door reminded her that she still had guards waiting outside, most likely to take her back to her duties. Rising to all fours, she noticed a small framed picture of Celestia and Luna on a dresser, taken after the latter had returned from her imprisonment. She knocked it off the edge and left the room. *** “Hey, Luna. Mind helping us with... um, you okay?!” asked Rainbow Dash as Luna stomped right past her and Pinkie. Dash raised an eyebrow before shrugging and guided the cloud she had gathered from outside into Celestia’s room. Pinkie Pie followed her, and tilted her head as Dash carefully started positioning the small thundercloud right above the princess’s bed. “Are you sure this is going to work, Dashie? Some ponies might not think that blasting the princess's behind with lightning is a good joke.” While a part of Dash did wonder if she would get in trouble for shocking the princess with a low-powered lightning strike, she figured could always chalk it off to ‘a desperate action for a desperate time.’ Good thing Twilight isn’t here to see this. She’d have a heart attack. “Relax, Pinkie Pie,” reassured Rainbow Dash, lying on the cloud with her stomach. She perched over the calm and sleeping face of Princess Celestia. Some would call her idea brave, others would call it stupid, but if this woke up the princess then who were they to argue? All she was doing was patriotic duty to Equestria. “We need Princess Celestia to wake up, don’t we? What’s better than a little shock straight to the rump? Now do you have the mirror?” Pinkie Pie nodded and brought in a large golden mirror from outside, planting it firmly near the edge of the bed where she could see the reflection of the princess’s royal plot. Taking out a red marker, she drew a bullseye for Rainbow Dash, who continued positioning her cloud. “This is going to be so funny! I bet Princess Celestia’s mane will stand on it's end!” “Make sure that the mirror is good, Pinkie,” reminded Rainbow Dash. “It was hard enough to sneak in a cloud this big on its own and it’s only good enough for one kick!” “Roger, dodger!” said Pinkie Pie, adjusting the mirror a bit more. “Say, Dashie. Where did you get the idea for this anyway?” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Well, let’s say it’s based off personal experience...” Before she could continue, Pinkie ears started flapping while her tail spun around like a propeller. All the while her right hoof kept stomping on the floor. Realizing this was another Pinkie Sense moment, Rainbow Dash held her breath until Pinkie stopped and smiled. “Oh! Neat! The Flashback combo!” cheered Pinkie Pie, bouncing in place. “We haven’t had one of those since the second chapter!” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Pinkie? What are you—” *** Hospitals sucked. Like, really sucked. They were cold, creepy, filled with sick ponies, they had terrible food, that annoying heart monitor that always beeped every second, and worst of all you had to go to the bathroom in those basins if you were confined to the bed. Totally embarrassing. But the absolute worst thing about hospitals was that they were just so boring. Rainbow Dash sighed for the hundredth time as she looked around the room for something to do. She quickly glanced at both her wings, trapped in the infernal, itchy creation known as casts, and mentally kicked herself for being careless with her tricks... again. Pounding her head against her pillow, she tried to think of a way to get rid of her boredom as the heart monitor continued to mock her. Normally, her friends would visit, but a quick look out the window, where Dash could see the raging storm outside, told her that wasn’t going to happen. She didn’t have any games, there wasn’t anypony else in the room to talk to, her Daring Do books were back home, and worst of all, she couldn’t get to sleep. “This. Sucks. Period,” complained Rainbow Dash, gritting her teeth “I have to do something or I’m going to go crazy!” She shot her hooves out. One of them managing to knock over the heart monitor, which crashed into the floor. Rainbow Dash gasped and held her breath, hoping that nopony heard the machine break, lest she would have to pay for extra damages. After a minute of waiting, she relaxed, seeing nopony coming to her room. The machine had also stopped beeping... and instead was now just emitting a solid tone and showing a flat line. For a second, Rainbow Dash thought the worst, but she relaxed upon realizing that she was still breathing and thinking. “Stupid machine. Making me think I’m dead.” She picked it up and put it back in its place. It continued its constant noise, making the situation even more unbearable than before. She wondered what she was going to do with it, until an idea came to her and she began to grin. Should I or shouldn’t I? It would get me in trouble, but then again I’ve always wanted to do this kind of prank. Rainbow Dash rubbed her hooves together before pressing the call button for the nurse. With her task done, she closed her eyes, let her body go limp, and stuck out her tongue. She heard the door open and held her breath. “Rainbow Dash? Is something—Oh my Faust!” cried out what sounded like Nurse Tenderheart. “Doctor Stable! We got a flat-liner in Room 201! Get the paddles!” Rainbow Dash snickered, imagining the look on the nurse’s face, before she heard more hooves coming back to her room. Resuming her act, she heard two ponies rush in along with the sounds of wheels. “Quick, Tenderheart, charge me up at five hundred volts!” cried out Doctor Stable. Wait... volts? “Clear!” Rainbow Dash felt the electric currents pass through her body as she shot out of her bed and through the ceiling, screaming. Doctor Stable and Nurse Tenderheart looked up at the hole above and then at each other before shaking hooves. “Well done, Miss Tenderheart. Another patient safe and back with us from the cold grip of death.” *** “—talking about?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Oh, nothing. It’s already over,” said Pinkie Pie as Dash raised an eyebrow. “Pinkie Pie, you are so random.” “And I wouldn't want it any other way! Now let’s get to shocking Princess Celestia’s butt!” Rainbow Dash shrugged before taking one last aim at the mirror, keeping her focus on the hoof-drawn red target. Licking her lips, Rainbow Dash turned around and pulled back her hind legs, ready to kick the life out of the cloud. “Oh! A spare bit!” cried out Pinkie Pie, noticing the coin lying next to the bed. She leaned over to to get it, unknowingly hitting the mirror with her flank. This caused the mirror to angle upwards, straight at Rainbow Dash. By the time Dash realized what had happened, it was already too late. Her hooves pounded against the dark cloud, sending out a single lightning bolt that shot towards the mirror, only to be reflected back. Rainbow let out a “Yipe!” and ducked under the bolt of pure electricity which proceeded towards the princess’s dressing mirror. “Wild lightning bolt!” screamed Rainbow Dash as she hid under the bed, the bolt continuing to bounce around all over the place like a rubber ball. Pinkie Pie simply jumped around, performing the occasional twirl or cartwheel to avoid the wild lightning. “Weeeeee! This is fun!” After a few more bounces, the lightning bolt bounced off another mirror and flew straight out the open window, flying into the distance with no sign of stopping. Poking her head out, Rainbow Dash saw that the worst was over, and crawled out of her hiding spot. Sighing in frustration, she looked at her now harmless white cloud. Pinkie Pie hopped over and gave her friend a supporting pat on the back. “Aw, don’t feel bad, Dashie. Look on the bright side,” Pinkie then pulled out the bit, “I’m one bit richer now!” Hoof connecting with her face, Rainbow Dash shook her head and decided to go back to the drawing board. Still, I wonder where that lightning bolt went? Ah well. Not my problem anymore. *** Having spent the last few days digging through ice and snow, the red dragon felt that it was time to try someplace warmer, in case his rotten luck continued to hinder him. Ever since getting into Equestria, he had to deal with one bad experience after another. It was high time to head home. He just hoped word of his embarrassing crying session from that scary pegasus a year ago didn’t reach his friends’ ears. Carefully balancing the pile of riches on his back, he continued his journey over the wide ocean that separated his kind from the ponies. It was a long flight, and he could feel the strain in his wing muscles while trying to keep his tired eyes open. A yawn escaped him as he wished for something exciting to happen to keep him focused. His wish was granted by a powerful lightning bolt that hit him straight in the eye. The dragon roared in pain and reeled back, shouting every curse he knew in the draconic language. The pain passed as quickly as it came, leaving him to hiss from the lingering sting, although he was grateful that this sight wasn’t damaged. He paused for a moment and realized that his body felt a lot lighter than before. Gasping, he looked below to see all his precious jewels, gold, silver, and priceless artifacts fall into the ocean with a loud splash, quickly sinking into the murky depths. After staring at the ripples for a few more minutes, the great beast cried for a second time in a few short days. *** “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!” wailed Luna as she paced back and forth on her talons. Feathers fell from her body as she flapped her wings around frantically. Piercing Valor and Helm Breaker were watching her in silence, still trying to judge if this phoenix was indeed Princess Luna. If it was, it would definitely be a new one in the long record of strange happenings in Equestria. Luna looked at her aviary body again and shivered. “I feel so... so... unclean!" “Okay, let’s say that you are Princess Luna in Philomena’s body,” said Helm Breaker, stepping forward. “How in Faust’s name did this even happen?” Luna stopped her marching and rubbed her chin. “I remember trying to fight Philomena for control over a vial of poison joke, then falling into the bath with her... Of course! The water must have mixed with the poison joke and affected both of us!” “Okay, but why are you talking with your normal voice? As far as I know, Philomena couldn’t talk,” said Breaker. “Well, that’s very easy to explain. You see—” The door to the hospital wing slammed open and everypony turned around to see a surprised Twilight Sparkle enter. Her expression soon changed to that of a furious lion, and she charged at Princess Luna. Luna’s eyes widened as she tried to speak, but a blow to the gut sent her flying across the room and against the wall. As stars circled around her head, she felt the cold hoof of a glaring Twilight Sparkle press down against her chest. “Twilight Sparkle! Wait! You don’t know what you're doing!” cried out Piercing Valor with worry. His attempts to block the unicorn resulted in him being hurled aside in a glow of purple magic. “Oh, yes I do!” shouted Twilight, as her horn lit up like a purple torch. “I’m about to give this rat with wings a good plucking before I deep fry her for some griffin ambassador!” “Wait!” gasped Luna, making Twilight step back in shock. With the hoof no longer holding her down, Luna took in a few deep breaths before wheezing, “I... am... Luna...” “W–what?! Who?! Why are you talking?! What’s going on?!” demanded Twilight, her gaze flitting back and forth between Luna and the guards. Piercing Valor cleared his throat. “Well according to... her, she’s Princess Luna. Apparently, she and Philomena were drenched in poison joke, and claims they switch bodies. While she does sound like Princess Luna, we still have no honest way to tell.” After an awkward silence, Twilight leaned forward and started analyzing a nervous Luna from head to talon. She proceeded to poke the avian’s stomach before pulling out a feather and scanned it with her magic. “Hmm...” Princess Luna held her breath as Twilight closed her eyes in concentration. Seconds later, she looked down at Luna and pinned her back to the floor by her feathered tail. “If you really are Princess Luna. Tell me something that Princess Luna and only Princess Luna would know!” Luna rolled her eyes and smirked. “Page 145: ‘As Starswirl pressed his perfect muscular physique against my tingling coat, I felt his amazing beard over me, tickling in more than one place. I held my breath, feeling the remaining minutes of my purity ticked away into oblivion as he lowered his haunches and pressed his’—” “Okay! Okay! Stop! I believe you!” shouted Twilight, blushing. She peered over her shoulder to notice the Night Guards equally flushed, although Helm Breaker sported a lewd smile on his lips. “She’s Princess Luna alright.” “As entertaining as it was to see you flustered like that, we have a crisis to deal with,” addressed Luna, as she tested her new wings. They weren’t that different from her old ones, except smaller and requiring less energy to use. After a minute of practice, she managed to achieve flight, leveling herself to Twilight’s eyes. “We need to reverse this as quickly as possible! Philomena could be doing who-knows-what with my body!” All three ponies gasped as their eyes widen at the thought of who was actually in charge of Equestria. It would be like Discord all over again, only without the brainwashing and chocolate-raining pink clouds. Twilight shook her head and unleashed a frustrated shout. “Augh! Philomena was with us the whole time in Princess Celestia’s room! She was right under my nose and I didn’t realize it!” “Don’t beat yourself up, Twilight, you didn’t know,” reassured Luna. “Nevertheless, we must stop Philomena before she uses my body for whatever nefarious purposes she has planned! My entire reputation is at stake! Let us be off!” The other three saluted and prepared to head out of the hospital wing with their real princess when one of the unicorn nurses came in from the hall. She was laughing in hysterics, and barely able to keep herself on her hooves. The four skidded to a halt as the nurse shook her head and wiped a tear from her eye. “Oh my goodness... those photos! The cuteness! Oh my gosh, who knew the princess was such a cutie-pie when she was a filly! Gahahaah!” All four felt their hair, or feathers in one case, stand up on their backs, sensing that they were already too late. Luna, wasting no time, flew into the face of the shocked nurse. Grabbing the unicorn’s cheeks, Philomena stared into her eyes. “What’s happening?! What is Phil—I mean, Princess Luna, doing?!” Twilight pulled Luna off by her tail feathers, despite her protesting, and spat her out. The nurse, no longer being hugged by the phoenix, calmed herself enough to answer. “It’s the strangest thing. She called in some reporters and when they arrived she started showing them her baby pictures.” Luna’s beak dropped all the way to the floor as the nurse squealed. “And they were so cute!” “Reporters... baby pictures... myself as a filly?” repeated Luna as her left eye started to twitch. *** Philomena smiled, trying her best to hold back her laughter, as the reporters continued to flash photographs of a certain blue alicorn in her diaper years. Quills were scratching notebooks furiously; some even caught fire. Looking around, she noticed that even some of the guards and advisors were checking out the shared photos, giggling at the cute photos. She turned to an advisor, who held the book of memories in his magical grip, and began to push the pages, looking for another good one. Philomena made a mental note to try to get a decent hoof on pony magic before she planned out her next prank. Finding a good page, she pointed to one of the photos, and the advisor used his magic to pull it out and present it to the audience. It showed a filly Luna taking a bath in washtub, a rubber ducky in her mouth and a few other toys surrounding her. “This is a photo of my very first bath as a filly! Please note that I still use this rubber ducky, named Duke Ducky McQuackers III when I feel very lonely and sad.” The bath photo was passed around and soon another was presented. This time it showed baby Luna in a big cherry outfit that dwarfed her whole body, showing only her head and limbs. “Oh, I got to wear this when my family and I went to a farmers' convention as guests. The cherry farmers gave me this as a gift, and I loved it so much that I refused to remove it for three days! I didn’t even let my parents change my diaper!” Philomena grinned as the reporters worked twice as fast. She could just imagine the headlines in the papers, and Luna’s reaction when she read them. Sometimes it pays to be the pet of a big sister who likes scrapbooking. “Oh, this is a good one!” cried out Philomena, as the next one came up. “This is when I ate too much cake on my birthday and barfed all over my sister!” *** Meanwhile, everypony in the hospital wing was staring at a shaking Luna as flames enveloped her body. “She’s... showing... my... baby.... photos?!” Helm Breaker gulped and whispered to his fellow ponies. “I think we’d all better duck and cover our ears.” Nopony disagreed with him, and they all dived under a bed, shaking in fear. A split second later, a wave of fire nearly engulfed the room as the enraged alicorn-turned-phoenix unleashed the power of the Canterlot Royal voice, louder than she ever had before. "PHILOMENA!" *** While Spike had to admit that cleaning up the library was always a tedious chore, one that he had to do more often than necessary, seeing it completely stacked and organized made him feel a warm, scally glow inside. He looked over his hard work from the loft; not a single scratch or hint of dust lay before him. The books were all stacked in their proper order, and all the trash had been picked up and sent outside for the garbage ponies to pick up. Best of all, he now had time to relax and enjoy the wonderful, sunny day. Just as he walked down and opened the door, he squinted at the odd weather in the distance. A rapidly approaching gust of wind was hurtling outwards from Canterlot, whipping up dust from miles away. The leading edge of the ring raced towards him, the massive blast of wind scattering the thatch roofs of Ponyville’s houses. A concussive blast ripped through Spike in the form of an inarticulate shriek as it tripped his legs out from under him. Spike held his ears and pressed himself to the floor as the windows and various china shattered from the high volume. The books fell from their platforms and onto the once-clean floor, while various furniture bounced around, knocking about expensive vases and framed artwork Twilight kept around. And just as quick as it came, it was over, a ringing silence and sudden downfall of leaves remaining behind. Holding his pounding head, Spike slowly got back on his feet, only to gasp at the horror that had become of the library. All his hard work. Gone. Just like that. He fell to his knees and screamed towards the ceiling with his fists in the air. “Why do you hate me so?!” *** The Doctor, known as Doctor Whooves to his pony friends, was making sure his TARDIS wasn’t acting up again, especially after that incident with the Cyberponies on planet Ixion. “Seriously, the paint jobs on a TARDIS are expensive enough as it is. I don’t want to spend hours looking at the deep space markets for spare parts. Most you get these days is a couple of hand-me-downs from the thirty-sixth century!” said the time-traveler as he flipped some switches with one hoof while stroking the control center of the TARDIS with the other. Just as he was about to put in the coordinates for Ponyville in the year 1003, the TARDIS began to shake like it was under attack. Then again, considering the type of lifestyle The Doctor led, it wasn’t a stretch of the imagination. Struggling for his balance, The Doctor turned on his computer monitor and examined the readings. “What? That can’t be right! It says here that this is some kind of high-frequency sound that’s so loud it’s breaking time and space?! How is that even possible?!”He was about to activate further test programs when he heard a scream that echoed in his ears before leaving them ringing. The Doctor stood up straight and rubbed his chin. “Philomena? Where have I heard that name before? A planet? A race? A type of pudding?” Before he could ponder more on it, the shaking stopped and the readings from the TARDIS returned to normal, indicating that the sound was gone. This only made The Doctor grin. “A frequency strong enough to break into the space-time continuum. Amazing! I just hope it doesn’t cause too much damage...” *** Megan looked around the battlefield. Her friends, the ponies who came to her for help, were all lying on the ground, exhausted from their struggle. Looking up, she saw that their foe, Tirac, was looking quite confident in himself. The Rainbow of Darkness was glowing behind him, filling him with all the power he needed to conquer the land. Clutching the heart shaped necklace around her neck, she gritted her teeth. They still had one more trick up their sleeves... “Give it up! You fools cannot hope to match the power of my darkness!” cackledTirac,. “You’re wong, Tirac!” shouted Megan as she and her pony friends looked up in defiance. She ripped off her necklace and held it up high. It shined a bright light that caused Tirac to step back, fear dancing across his features. “That’s right, Tirac! Behold! The Rainbow of Light! The one thing that can stop your evil plans once and for all!” As she reached to unlock the key to ending this nightmare, a voice suddenly burst out of nowhere... "PHILOMENA!" Megan, like the others, held her hands against her ears before realizing her mistake. She watched as the necklace dropped into a nearby crack in the ground... and disappeared. After staring at the hole in the ground for a full minute, she slapped her palm against her forehead. “Well... crap...” *** “I will murder her!” screamed Philomena, flying around, flames dancing off her wings. The others had come out from under the beds, while the nurse was staring at her burned hospital wing in horror. “Her flesh will melt and I will scatter the ashes of her bones across the four winds! Mothers will tell their foals of the horrible bird who was utterly humiliated by the angry Princess Luna to make them obey and eat their spinach! Even the creatures of Tartarus shall lose their bowels upon hearing the wailing cries of Philomena, the Phoenix of Evil!” “Technically, since Philomena is in your body, wouldn't you be murdering yourself?” asked Helm Breaker, only to get a spine-chilling glare in return. “J–just saying...” Twilight attempted to place a calming hoof on the heavily-breathing phoenix, before snapping back a now slightly scorched limb. “Princess Luna, you need to calm down. I know this is a lot to take in, but the most important thing to do now is create the cure for poison joke and have you and Philomena switch your bodies back, before the public notices.” “Do you not think I know that, Twilight Sparkle?!” screeched Luna. “Do you think I enjoy having to be in this body while Philomena is in mine and ruining... my... reputation...” Luna’s eyes went wide as she gently floated to the ground and began to rub her chin in thought. Twilight turned to the guards, but they were just as confused as she was. The princess-turned-phoenix then started to pace and mumble to herself for a few minutes until she cried out in joy, a mischievous smile on her face. “That’s it! I have it!” “Have what?” asked Piercing Valor. With a smug smile, she answered, “Oh, my dear Piercing Valor. Philomena thinks she’s clever, but she’s forgotten one thing in her little plan to further humiliate me. She may be in my body, but I am also in hers!” “Wait a minute...” Twilight’s eyes began to widen as she stared at the grinning phoenix. “Don’t tell me you’re going to....” “No time, Twilight Sparkle! I have a reputation to ruin! You and my guards can go work on making the bath cure! I shall join you shortly, with Philomena. After some fun,” said Luna, as she flew out the door and into the castle halls. “Tally ho!” Twilight was about to voice her opinion, but quickly shut her mouth and shook her head. Piercing Valor walked up to her and asked, “Should we follow her?” “No, and I doubt we can change her mind. Let’s just hope neither of them do something that they’ll regret,” replied Twilight, heading towards the door. “Let’s just get the cure ready, and hope my friends can wake up Princess Celestia before all of Canterlot is in ruins from those two.” The two guards nodded and followed Twilight into the halls, but in a different direction from Luna flew, all the while hoping the two feuding immortals didn’t tear down Canterlot in their wake. *** Philomena had expected Princess Luna to barge into the throne room, inside her own body, and start squawking like a chicken in fury. Naturally, everypony had heard the scream, but Philomena was shocked to hear Princess Luna’s voice—it had to be her, nopony else screamed that loud—that neatly caused all the ears in the castle to bleed. Suspecting that Luna could somehow talk in her new body, despite never learning how to on her own, Philomena waited for Luna to come barging in as always. To her surprise, it didn’t happen. She dismissed the reporters, even giving them a few photos to use for their respective papers, and waited. Time passed, and she still didn’t see a single feather from what she assumed would be a raging phoenix. Scratching her head, Philomena thought, Is she hiding from me? Maybe I should continue with my other embarrassing plans while I have the chance. Her attention was soon diverted when one of the guards walked in and bowed. “Your majesty, Princess Celestia’s bird asked me to deliver this to you.” Philomena’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait. Lu—I mean—Philomena? She sent me something?” “Yes.” Philomena grumbled before holding her hoof out for the message. The guard levitated it to her, bowed, and then left. Taking the letter, she ripped it up and saw what looked to be a poster for a—Philomena’s jaw dropped. “No... she wouldn’t... that’s... it’s...” She scanned the poster again, then a third time. Even a fourth time to be extra sure. For the first time since their little prank war started, Philomena felt the cold, tingling sense of fear wash over her like a bucket of ice water. She checked the date and then the nearby sundial and cursed herself. She had to get there before her own reputation was ruined, and, if she could, beat the living eggs out of that accursed princess. Without warning, she jumped out of her seat and made a beeline for the doors, stunning all who watched her leave without saying anything. One of the guards noticed the poster left on the floor and picked it up. “The 46th Annual Canterlot Dress Your Pet Up Beauty Pageant?” *** Philomena cursed herself for not knowing how to teleport. If she were in her own body, she would be at the pageant in less then a second, but the accursed alicorn magic was still too confusing for her to control. She tried getting herself to teleport once on her way to the pageant, only to cause a bunch of melons at a nearby food stand to suddenly crack open like eggs and let loose a flock of flying oranges. Yeah, magic was weird. Not evening bothering to check herself in, Philomena bursted into the pageant, where she found the most horrible crime pet owners could commit. The unspoken sin that all pets, from dogs to birds, cats to alligators, despised: dress-up The sight of dogs, cats, birds, lizards, and even fish all dressed up in ridiculous props and outfits was a sight that made Philomena want to shield her eyes. There was a dog dressed up like he was somepony’s pasta dinner, complete with a set of fake meatballs; a cat that had a horrible stitched penguin costume and looked like it could barely see; and, of course, somepony dressed their dog as a pretty little princess... even though their owner was clearly blind or stupid since her dog was a male. Every single one of the pets looked like they wanted to kill themselves, while their cheeky little owners smiled and kissed them for being absolutely adorable Philomena shivered, promising herself to use Luna’s form to outlaw such a travesty effective immediately. She made her way through the crowd, grateful that most of the audience was i focusing their attention on a parrot dressed like a clown that was juggling plates on a large stage with purple curtains. His act soon ended with all three plates falling into pieces despite his efforts, but everypony clapped anyway. Spotting a door that lead backstage, Philomena pushed herself through the crowd, earning her a few surprised stares, hoping that she could find Luna before— “And now, fillies and gentlecolts!” cried out a voice as the lights went dim. A series of spotlights danced around the curtains as a drum roll started. “We have a very special contestant today! Please welcome, from the Royal Castle itself, the prized phoenix of Princess Celestia...” Oh... Faust... no... “... Philomena!” The tune of a country song started to play as the curtains opened, revealing a sight that would scar Philomena for the rest of her life. Walking down the stage, shaking her tail feathers rather provocatively, was herself, all dressed up in pink cowpony shoes, a pink cowpony hat, a tanktop, and a skirt that barely seemed to stick. ‘Philomena’ posed on stage and shouted, in a terrible stereotypical southern accent, “Hey ya’ll! Here comes Philomena Boo Boo!” She continued to sashay around the stage, doing a few kicks and poses as cameras went wild. Ponies screamed about how adorable she was and how they wished their pets were as cute, making the said pets turn green at the thought. Philomena watched in wide-eyed horror as Luna started to dance and twist Philomena’s body around in a style that reminded the former phoenix of her owner’s student. If this was a pony, others would just shy away and never look again, but somehow Luna made it look... adorkable. She looked around and saw the audience clapping and rooting for the new ‘star’ of the pageant. They were even throwing flowers onto the stage. They like this?! They like this?! What is wrong with society today?! thought Philomena. It didn’t even help that Luna was actively engaging herself with the audience. They demanded a pose, she did it. They asked her to say something, she said it. And worse of all Luna was making it look like ‘Philomena’ was enjoying it. Gulping, the real Philomena slowly turned her head towards the other pets, who were looking at the performing bird with shame or rage. She didn’t blame them. She was Princess Celestia’s pet, and, while not their princess or anything, she was supposed to set an example for pets everywhere. Now she could feel her reputation slowly evaporating into thin air. Still dancing, Luna turning around and shook her her tail feathers at photographers for pet magazines. “Get a good look at it boys. ’Cause them other pets ain’t gonna beat this honey boo boo chicky!” The real Philomena wanted to crawl under a rock and die, but she also wanted to take Luna by the neck and squeeze until her head came off. Suddenly, one of the camera ponies asked, “Philomena! What’s your secret?!” Luna smiled and nodded to a pony off stage, who tossed her a plastic bottle filled with green liquid. “It’s all thanks to this special juice that Princess Celestia gives me all the time. It’s got ten ounces of sugar, two cups of coffee, three pixie sticks, and seven cans of Red Minotaur! Just give this to your pets and they’ll be energized enough to do five pageants in one day!” The crowd gasped as they all wrote down the ingredients at once, the pets crying at the idea of doing more horrible, soul-crushing pageants. A few were trying to break free from their owners, foaming at the mouth and looking ready to kill the phoenix in a bloody massacre. Philomena knew it wouldn’t take long for word to spread that not only was she the only pet who seemed to enjoy pageants, but that she was encouraging them! Wasting no time, Philomena jumped on stage and grabbed Luna by the back of her tanktop, much to the surprise of the audience. She dragged the kicking phoenix to the back of the stage, tossed Luna at the wall and shouted, “What in Faust’s name are you doing?!” Luna gave a sinister grin. “What? You don’t like it when the horseshoe is in the other hoof?” “Do you have any idea what you’ve done! My reputation is going to be ruined when word of this spreads across Canterlot!” shouted Philomena, eye twitching. "Actually, I think some of those photographers were from other cities too, so I think you meant ‘all across Equestria’,” pointed out a smug Luna. Shaking with rage, Philomena glared back at Luna with with single-minded determination. “So that’s how we’re going to play, huh? You forget, I’m in your body as well. I can ruin your reputation just as much as you can mine. That baby photo thing? Only the tip of the icing, Luna.” “I’ve got a few of tricks of my own, Philomena.” The two arch-enemies continued to stare at each other, neither backing down. Philomena licked her lips. “Well, then it looks like we’re going to have to see which one of us caves first. And I intend to make sure you are the laughing stock of the entire kingdom when this day is over.” “Oh, trust me. By the end of the day, we’ll be holding multiple funerals for a poor phoenix who died repeatedly from embarrassment,” scoffed Luna before walking away. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for the swimsuit contest.” Philomena slapped her hoof into her forehead. “They have a swimsuit contest? Really? What is with these ponies?” Luna shrugged. “Hay if I know. I’ve been gone for a thousand years.” Philomena watched the retreating phoenix with a snarl, but soon smirked. If Luna wanted to take this up a notch, she was going to do just that. We’ll see who has the last laugh at day’s end, Luna!