Alicorn Switcheroo 2
Twilight glared at Pinkie Pie’s dumb, grinning face. “It’s a perfectly normal physiological reaction in those ponies with wings! Which I am now, apparently. That’s the disturbing thing I mentioned needing to deal with!”
Pinkie giggled again and snorted. She leaned to the side, looking Twilight’s new parts up and down.
“Wow! Those are soooo big! Dash is gonna be super jealous when she sees this!” Pinkie gasped and sprang into an upright position, standing on her hindhooves with one foreleg pointed at the ceiling. “I invoke the sacred rite of Dibs! Dash isn’t going to steal this alicorn from me—not that she ever has before—I mean there are only three of them, er, well four now—and this one is mine!”
“Excuse me?!” Twilight arched an eyebrow, still glaring at Pinkie Pie’s dumb, intense looking face. “I am no pony’s alicorn! I’m not an alicorn! This is just some spell I mis-casted in my sleep! You’ve see me do the wings spell before on Rarity. And my hair is all wispy see-through energy instead of hair…” Twilight glanced up at the magenta field of mana where it hung over her eyes. “… because reasons.”
Twilight shook her head, trying to focus. Her new energy based hairdo cared not one wit and did its own coruscating, sparkly thing and fluttered in a non-Euclidean breeze. “Pinkie, please! Could you just go? This is all just a little much to deal with right now without you being here too. I just woke up after transmuting myself in my sleep and I haven’t even had--” she paused, mouth hanging slightly open as her mind lost its footing between her tirade and the sight before her.
Pinkie Pie stood little more than a foreleg’s reach away. Her stupid grin was now more of a lascivious smirk and her eyebrows wiggled in a way that could write a research paper if a pony were so inclined to study the underlying musculature of Pinkie’s face. None of that mattered to Twilight however. What mattered was the crispy, golden, flakey, butter glazed, so-fresh-it-was-still-steaming, oversized crescent shaped pastry she held in an outstretched hoof.
“Toldja I brought you breakfast.”
“Y-yes, well... yes.” Twilight swallowed loudly as her stomach made a gurgling noise. “Um, thanks? Where were you even holding that?”
Pinkie Pie giggled and shook her head which caused her mane to wobbly drunkenly back and forth, spewing loose confetti and colorful party hats, a couple of pigeons and a half dozen invitations to a birthday party dated more than a century from now. “Sorry Twi! Baker’s trade secret! You know how it is.”
“No, I don’t?” Twilight raised an eyebrow at the new mess merging with the books on the floor under them. She decided to shelve that line of questions for later and snagged the croissant from Pinkie’s grasp. Her nostrils flared as the scent hit her, making her mouth water and stomach start singing in a very poor baritone.
“Well... thank you anyway, Pinkie. But I need to reverse this transformation spell--or whatever is causing this--and you’ll just be in the wa--!”
Pinkie had started to whistle happily, her bright blue eyes cast innocently off to the side as she held up a tall mug in her forehooves.
“Is that...?”
“A double espresso latte with chai and chocolate mint, mixed with almost frozen whole milk and topped with heavy whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon? Your favorite?” Pinkie puckered her lips in a thoughtful expression. “Maaaaaaaaybe...”
Twilight frowned as her stomach showed real talent and worked its way to a full on barber shop quartet of bass and baritone gurgles of need. “Alright! Fine, you can stay. Just gimme that!”
Twilight’s purple aura enveloped the mug and pulled it over to her as she inhaled, her eyes fluttering closed. The aroma filled her nose and went on a rampage in her brain chasing away the early morning fog that choked her neurons and synapsis. It left a still openness in its wake; similar to the way the pony Vikings of old would visit a quaint Saxon village and leave behind a still, albeit smoke filled, openness. Twilight amused herself in silence, imaging tiny microscopic Viking ponies in ragtag armor ravaging through her mind and setting the brain fog afire with equally tiny torches.
She kept her eyes closed and lifted the mug to her lips. The latte was hot. Almost hot enough to be scalding. It was perfection in a cup and as it hit her tongue, Twilight imagined the tiny Vikings in her brain boarding equivalently massive long ships made of red blood cells and setting sail for her tummy where they would quell the beast that called out from within. Her thoughts mulled over her morning so far and her visitor. She could hear Pinkie Pie next to her now, no doubt checking out her new equipment. She hadn’t heard Pinkie move through the intervening space between being in front of her and being beside her. It was yet another example of ‘Pinkie being Pinkie’ and like her freaky ability to carry a seemingly infinite amount and variety of things in her mane, it would bare thought and investigation later. Right now, there was another nagging issue to question.
“Pinkie, what did you mean earlier about calling Dibs?” Twilight opened her eyes just a crack and glanced at her friend before taking another sip of perfection. “You sounded… I don’t know, serious? Alicorns are in short supply of course, but who would ever steal one from you? And why?”
Pinkie Pie didn’t answer immediately. She was gazing up at Twilight’s raised and extended wings(which Twilight’s imaginary tiny Vikings were working on getting them to relax), her tongue hanging out and eyes wide with interest. “Um, oh, yeah. Well, I just want an alicorn sooooo bad! And I can’t call Dibs on the Princesses! They’re old—not old old, but they’ve been around a while—and somepony has called Dibs on them years ago! I can’t call Dibs on Cadence ‘cuz she got married to your brother and that kinda trumps Dibs, duh! I mean, Shinning seems like a reasonable stallion, he’d probably be down to share, but it’s just not the same as having one of my own!”
Twilight bunched her eyebrows together and glared at Pinkie even as she blew across the top of her latte to cool it. “Again: I’m not your alicorn! I don’t care if you did call Dibs. Additionally, I do believe I told you last summer that that… thing, we did together was a one-time event! It was in one of the special sleep-over guides and I just wanted to try it out!”
“You said you liked it…”
“Don’t start with me, Pinkie.” Twilight frowned and then took a violent bite out of the flakey croissant that levitated temptingly near her face. “One-time—wait a sec! The Princess! Of course! I should go see Princess Celestia! She’ll know how to fix this and return me to normal.” She took another bite and mumbled on, mouth half full. “The Sun is up, so the Princess must be too… if I hurry I can get a ticket for the 7:12 to Canterlot. That’ll put me in the Throne Room before court starts!”
Twilight pranced in place at the thought of seeing her mentor and took another sip of perfection. “Mmmm… this stuff is perfect. Thanks Pinkie! Though, I suppose I am a bit sorry you have to miss out on another alicorn.”
Pinkie Pie looked literally deflated with her tail and mane hanging limp for a moment before perking back up. She was very worried. She couldn’t just let Twilight run off, not yet.
“But you can’t leave Ponyville now, Twilight!” Pinkie grabbed Twilight’s head and stared into the former unicorn’s eyes. “If you leave now and she finds out I let you, Rarity would kill me! She’ll want to take your new measurements and get started on a new dress for you—you know how she is—and if that opportunity slips out of her hoof, she’ll gut me, stuff me, mount me and make me into one of the ponequins in her boutique that she uses to make all her dresses and silly hats! Don’t get me wrong, it would cool to stay hot and dress in style forever—who wouldn’t want that?” Pinkie pulled Twilight closer, her voice getting louder with each word until she was shouting full force. “But then I couldn’t eat cake! And Pinkie has got to have cake even more than Pinkie has got to get some sweet, sweet alicorn on Pinkie Pie action!”
Twilight groaned as she wriggled in Pinkie’s surprisingly strong grip. She worked herself around until she could read the clock on the library wall where it hung lopsidedly and threatened to end its tenure as her sole time keeping device and commit seppuku upon the floor. She glanced back at the heavily breathing earth pony and tried to smile accommodatingly as she could with Pinkie’s hooves pressing her cheeks. “Whel, Ah shupose if whe hurrah, Arritee cahn tage shom mashurmens?”
“Ha!” Pinkie let go of Twilight’s face and dropped to all fours, grinning fiercely. “Take that universe! You keep trying to disembowel me but it ain’t gonna work!”
“Uh… Pinkie?”
The pink pony spun in a circle and bounded toward the door. “C’mon Twi! We’ve got a fashionista to wake up!”
***
As Pinkie and Twilight made their way toward Carousel Boutique, the door to the library’s upper personal chambers opened slowly. Spike, one eye twitching nervously and his crest scales in disarray, carefully peeked out and scanned the mess left by his boss.
“On thank Celestia they’re gone!” Spike ran a claw over his crest, straightening it out. “I can’t believe Twilight evolved like that in the middle of the night. All that moaning and thrashing about.” He took a deep breath, calming his tick a little. “It was worse than her slumber party last summer! I thought she had Pinkie and Rainbow Dash in there with her to make that racket!”
Spike let the door swing open fully and stepped out onto the landing dragging his blankie along behind him. As he surveyed the damage from Twilight’s earlier performance as a screaming pinball he noticed Owlowiscious cowering in a high alcove. “Hey, want breakfast before we start cleaning this?”
“Who.”
“Yeah, I agree. She really needs to get some action soon.”
“Who?”
“Ok, but I’m putting gems in my waffle. You don’t like it; pick them out!”
***
As it turned out, Rarity was already awake by the time Twilight and Pinkie arrived. She could be heard inside singing to herself, or perhaps to her cat.
“I’m too sexy for my hat! Too sexy for my big silly hat, what’cha think about that?!”
“Ooh! I love that jam!” Pinkie giggled as she banged on the door to Rarity’s shop in time with the beat.
“I’m a model! You know what I mean, and I do my—so sorry darling, but we’re still closed! Come back in about two and half hours!” Rarity’s voice carried from her personal area in the back of the boutique where her kitchen was located.
“C’mon Pinkie, let’s head around to the back. She must be making breakfast.” Twilight glanced around nervously, holding her finally un-stiffened wings tight against her body. “Plus it’s less visible. I really don’t want any more ponies to faint at the sight of me. Or… start worshiping… and oh Celestia, the chanting! Why did they start chanting?!”
Pinkie smiled gently at Twilight and reached over to pat her on the shoulder. “Just drink your latte and forget those sillybillies! You’d think they’ve never seen an alicorn before!” Pinkie Pie snorted. “It’s not like the Princesses don’t visit Ponyville, like super often.”
“You didn’t have to yell at them about calling Dibs already.”
“Twilight, Twilight, Twilight,” Pinkie’s pat turned into a one armed hug as she pulled Twilight close and bopped her on the nose with her other hoof. “You know I can’t let them steal you away.”
Twilight put back on her ‘un-amused’ face. “That’s it. We are getting this done now.” Twilight scooped Pinkie up in her magic field and levitated the pink pervert along with her latte. “Back door. Now.”
Twilight Sparkle grumbled under her breath and marched with a purpose around the Carousel Boutique as she took a long pull from what remained of her perfect fog clearing latte. As she reached the rear entrance to the boutique she dropped Pinkie from her hold and raised a hoof, knocking firmly. “Rarity, it’s me and Pinkie Pie. Please open up. Pinkie thinks you want to take new measurements of me because of my wings. Tell her she is wrong so I can get to Canterlot and see the Princess before it gets too late!”
The back door wrenched open fast enough to make the hinges smoke. Before she could blink, Twilight found herself with a face full of her good friend Rarity. She was obviously fresh from bed. Rarity’s mane was a level of fabulous that would make noble ponies jealous but for her was somewhere around ‘manageable bed-head.’ She was wearing her pink bed gown and slippers with the gown tied loosely closed at her waist. The look in her all too close eyes spoke of the darkest, murderous-ous, intense intent that a mortal pony could muster.
“This. Had. Better. Be. Good.” Rarity growled out each word like a curse that took her look’s promise of violence and multiplied it by a factor of seven. As she glared at them, Rarity leaned out from her doorway and her robe fell open ever so slightly. Twilight’s wings shot up, even stiffer than they had been earlier.
Twilight stammered for something to say. She knew Rarity took great umbrage on anything that interrupted her morning routine. Even as she fumbled for speech, her mind heaved a silent sigh and took up the imaginary drums of war once more and called forth the tiny blood-borne pony Vikings of old to set sail and cut down the great wood that held her wings stiff. “Umm… er, I… uh… it’s a perfectly natural physiological reaction to being startled?”
Rarity gasped and pulled back, her anger replaced with surprise and more than a little awe. “Darling! You weren’t joking… of course I’ll need to take new measurements!”
“I called Dibs already! Don’t get any sneaky ideas, Rarity!” Pinkie reared up on her hind legs, snorting expressively.
Rarity glanced at the pink mare and nodded slowly. “Oh heavens no, wouldn’t think of it, Pinkie. Come in, both of you! Wouldn’t want you to come all this way and not feel welcomed—just let me get my measuring tapes!” She moved away from the door, letting in her two friends. Rarity turned and walked with a hop in her clop as she goes into the front area of the shop, her mood in complete defiance of her earlier state.
Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she stepped inside Rarity’s kitchen. The table was set for two. There were toast, eggs, berries and milk for two ponies, using Rarity’s best china dishware too. She could even see the edging of the straps for a saddle peeking out from under Rarity’s robe while the unicorn was turned away. “We aren’t… interrupting anything are we?”
“Nothing that can’t wait a moment for fashion!” Rarity turned back to the kitchen, her horn glowing as she levitated several tapes and measuring strings as well as a quill and a pad of paper. “Now, lift your tail and stand at attention. While I’m at it, why don’t you fill me in on how you became a Princess, Twilight!”
Pinkie Pie started to hum tunelessly and moved over to Rarity’s fridge, opening it to start nosing around. Twilight rolled her eyes and stood as instructed, futilely trying to lower her wings. “Uhg, I’m not a Princess, Rarity. Or an alicorn. This is just that wing spell I cast on you when we went to Cloudsdale for the Young Flyers Competition. I must have miscast it in my sleep.”
“Was that the source of all the explosions earlier? Darling, you know how I detest explosions in the morning. It ruins my beauty sleep.” Rarity’s magic tugged at Twilight’s legs, adjusting her posture as the levitated tape measures began to wrap about her like possessed snakes. “My wings were those of a beautiful butterfly, Twilight. If you had cast the same spell, even in your sleep, wouldn’t you have the same and not these lovely feathers that match your coat perfectly? And what about your mane? Mine never did that.”
“I’m not an alicorn Princess!”
Pinkie poked her head out from behind the open fridge door, a cold carrot clutched in her teeth. “She doth protest too much, methinks.”
Rarity nodded absently. “Oh I agree, darling. Oh, to be elevated to royalty! What a dream that would be!” She sighed, holding a hoof to her forehead in faux swoon. “Why, it should only happen to the most deserving ponies—which you are—certainly, Twilight. Even if you have never really cared for the nobles, or taken societal norms to heart, or ever wanted to be any more than a student to the Princesses, or well…”
She paused, eyes narrowing as she jots down the numbers the tapes have taken on her small pad. “It’s not like there is any pony more deserving or right to be elevated… have you gained weight recently?”
“Don’t make me cast Ghost Knife Eye Attack. I will, and they will never find the bodies.”
Rarity ignored Twilight and turned around to set the tapes on her kitchen table. On her notepad, Rarity started sketching idly. “Tsk. Don’t be angry, Twilight. All the other alicorns are quite tall; it makes sense that they would be heavier. I’m sure it’s just the wings.”
“Are we done here? I have a train ticket to buy.” Twilight grumbled.
“Yes yes, darling. I have everything I need to craft you an exquisite coronation ensemble.”
Twilight glowered at her friends for a second more before spinning around and galloping out the kitchen door. She didn’t even kick it closed. Rarity sighed heavily and reached out with her magic to pull the door shut and looked at Pinkie, who was still sitting by the fridge, happily munching on a carrot. “Taking a train to Canterlot, really? If I were to suddenly become an alicorn, I’d at least fly majestically there! I swear sometimes that that girl has no romance in her soul.”
Pinkie Pie shrugged.
“No matter. I will craft a wonderful dress! It will be bright and colorful; I’ll use the finest Arabian cottons, there will be silk and chiffon and sequins! And Celestia as my witness, it will make her ass look huge!”
Pinkie swallowed down the last of the carrot and giggled. “Wow Rarity, sometimes you can be really vindictive!”
“Yes, I suppose I can be.” Rarity lifted her nose into a haughty expression before raising a manicured eyebrow and looking Pinkie over, as if just realizing the pink mare was still in her shop. A sly smirk formed on her lips. “However, I am the Element of Generosity, am I not? Why don’t I go get some bits from the register, and you can take them to buy a train ticket to Canterlot yourself, Pinkie? Wouldn’t want to lose out on another alicorn, right?”
Pinkie squealed with happiness so loud that the dogs in the neighborhood started to bark outside. “Oh Rarity, you are best, generousest, awesomest friend ever! This is better than the time you actually put on the fake wings for me!”
Rarity grumbled under her breath about something Pinkie wasn’t to ever mention again and walked into the boutique’s front area. She returned a moment later with a small bag of bits. “Go get ‘em , tiger! Hopefully, you’ll finally get this silly fetish itch of yours scratched and you can stop throwing those special ‘Alicorn Parties’.”
“But you said you liked them…”