//------------------------------// // Meeting Big Mac (and Solving a Problem) // Story: Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What // by LtMajorDude //------------------------------// The Next Day Hank, Bill, and Kahn were heading towards Sweet Apple Acres. Hank wanted to meet Big Macintosh. Bill also came just in case Hank need any My Little Pony info. Kahn also came because, despite the fact he loathes rednecks, wanted to see them work. As they walked to the farmhouse, they saw Cotton there with a harness on. He had two barrels of apples in his harness. "Well well well. If it ain't my good for nuthing boy, Fatty, and Mr. Kahn. What y'll doing here anyway?" Hank sighed. "Do you know where this Big Macintosh fella is?" Cotton frowned. "Kicking trees for apples. Heh." he said, shaking his head. Bill raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like you don't like Big Macintosh." he said. Cotton rolled his eyes while Kahn smirked. "No wonder. This Mac guy sounds like a hillbilly." Bill glared at Kahn so hard, that Kahn was scared for a moment. "DO. NOT. CALL. BIG. MACINTOSH. A. HILL. BILLY." he whispered darkly. Kahn gulped. "Um...ok" he muttered. Hank rolled his eyes and walked towards massive apple orchard. As he walked towards the apple orchard, he saw a Applejack and a huge red stallion come out. Both had a harness with baskets full of apples. Hank smiled. Bill told him what Big Macintosh looked like so he knew who that huge red stallion is. "Morning, Applejack." Hank greeted. Applejack smiled. "Mornin' Hank!" She greeted back. Big Macintosh smiled. "Howdy. Ah'm Big Macintosh. Applejack told me about ya. Including yer narrow urethra" he said with a raised eyebrow. Hank gritted his teeth and glared at Applejack. "You told everyone that?..." Applejack grinned nervously, "Yeah sorry about that...I only told the girls and mah family. I promise to not tell anyone. By the way, it's everyPONY, not everyONE, don't know what that word means..." Hank sighed a breath of relief. "Yeah...So how's my dad? Causing any trouble?" he asked. Big Macintosh's eyes widen. "Cotton's yuir father?" he said. Hank nodded. "Yup." he replied. Applejack rolled her eyes. "Dag-nab it Big Mac. I told ya that at suppertime when Cotton came to the barn, remember?" she muttered. Big Macintosh shrugged. "Didn't pay attention" he replied. Applejack grumbled as she headed to the barn. "Of course ya don't" she grumbled on the way. Hank sighed. "Sadly, I'm considered a disappointment to him." he said to Big Macintosh as soon as Applejack was gone. "He appreciates my younger half-brother, G.H, more than me." Big Macintosh gave a confused look. "G.H.?" he asked. "Short for 'Good Hank.'" Hank explained. "He wanted to name him 'Hank' but since it's already taken by me, he calls him 'Good Hank' which makes me feel I'm 'Bad Hank.' Hell, he was even gonna take away my name!" Big Macintosh frowned. A father who is disappointed by his own son? He wanted say something sympathetic to Hank, but Hank cut him off. "I don't mind." he said. "Don't tell anyone about this, but sometimes, I think he's a jackass" Big Macintosh sighed. It must be depressing world Hank lives in. As Hank and Big Macintosh were having a friendly conversation, Cotton walked up to them. He glared at Big Macintosh. "Lovely day, huh guys?" he muttered. Big Macintosh grinned weakly. "Eeyup" he replied. Hank also grinned weakly. "Yup" he replied. Cotton glared at Big Macintosh at bit more before leaving. As soon as Cotton was out of sight, Big Macintosh asked: "It seems yuir father doesn't trust me" he said. Hank wondered for a bit, then realized why. "Bill told me you say 'Eeyup' a lot" he said. Big Macintosh grinned. "Eeyup" he said. Hank nodded. "In my world, me and my friends like to stand around drinking something called beer and say 'Yup' a lot" he explained. Big Macintosh finally understood. "So yuir dad thinks I'm like you." he said. "I git now. Wow, he must really hate ya..." Hank sighed. "Try talking to him and tell him you are nothing like me." he said. Big Macintosh nodded. "He may ignore me, but I'll try" he said. Just then, Dale came flying towards Hank and landed next to him. His mane is all messed up, his sunglasses are broken and his left eye is twitching. Hank and Big Macintosh looked at him with worried looks. Hank spoke up. "Um...Dale? What's wron..." "HANK! I NEED CIGARETTES!" Dale shouted frantically. Hank looked confused. "What?" he asked. "HANK PLEASE! I NEED CIGARETTES! NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT A CIGARETTE IS AND KAHN WON'T MAKE ME ONE! YOU'RE MY ONLY HELP! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HANK! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!-!-!-!" Dale shouted frantically. Big Macintosh looked confused. "What in tarnation's a cigarette?" he asked. Hank sighed. "I'll explain another time. Dale, listen..." Dale interrupted hank by suddenly grabbing Hank's shoulders, constantly shaking Hank back and forth. "HANK I DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN! I WANT TO SMOKE CIGARETTES! PLEASE, DEAR GOD, MAKE ME A CIGARETTE BEFORE I KILL MYSELF LIKE FANS OF STAR WARS DID WHEN EPISODE 7 WAS ANNOUNCED!" Dale shouted and begged frantically. Hank sighed even more. He wasn't worried by Dale's behavior since he got used to it. "Fine, I'll try" he muttered. Dale hugged Hank tightly. "THANK YOU! OH THANK YOU!" Dale shouted frantically. "Let's go visit Ms. Sparkle. Sorry Big Macintosh. I'll talk to you later. Try to tell Cotton you're not like me." Big Macintosh nodded. "HERE HANK! LET ME FLY YOU TO TWILIGHT!" Dale shouted frantically. Dale picked up Hank and placed Hank on Dale's back. Then he flew at a great speed, followed by a "BRWAHH!" sound. Big Macintosh stood there confused, but then got back to work, constantly reminding himself to talk to Cotton. Kahn was near Fluttershy's cottage, eating a cupcake Pinkie Pie made for him after he went to visit Sugar Cube Corner. He went to visit her after he immediately got bored at Sweet Apple Acres. "She may act crazy, but at least she ain't no hillbilly," Kahn thought. The cupcake tasted great, but what Kahn didn't like was how Pinkie Pie told him how to make cupcakes... ...by SINGING. Kahn shuddered. That Cupcake song was still stuck on his head. He was lucky. According to Bill, there were other songs. This Day Aria, Babs Seed, and Raise This Barn, the song which he dreads the most, since he thinks it sung by rednecks and hillbillies. Kahn decided to sing a song to help him forget that song. When he opened the door, he shouted at the top of his lungs: That's what I like about you You really know how to dance YEAAAAAAHH! Kahn did not noticed Fluttershy's shocked and surprised look on her face. She blinded me with science TOO too too She blinded me... with SCIENCE! When Kahn stopped singing, he noticed the scared look on Fluttershy's face. "Oh...um...Sorry" he said nervously. Fluttershy grinned weakly. "That's OK. Just. Don't surprise me like that OK?" he said. Kahn sighed and smiled softly. "OK. I Promise. Sorry about that." He went to his room to rest until Fluttershy said: "By the way, even though you surprised me, you could be a good singer!" Kahn stopped and turned around with a curious look. "I can?" he asked. Twilight's Library "HANK! DEAR GOD HOW FAR ARE YOU DONE? !" Dale shouted frantically. Hank was frantically flipping pages on a book about Plant Mythology. He was soaked with water and covered in leaves. Next to him, there was some green leaves on top of a used scroll, sitting on a table. Twilight and Spike just looked at Dale with scared looks. Dale was twitching and rolling on the floor, foam and mumbles came out of his mouth. Spike suddenly fainted since he could no longer take the pressure from seeing Dale suffer. Twilight just stood there, shocked. Early on, Hank found a tobacco section in the book and went to the Everfree forest to get some plants. He didn't know why tobacco existed in Equestria, but now wasn't the prefect time to figure out "I think I figured it out Dale!" Hank shouted. He still wondered how Dale could be like this, but, once again, some other time. Dale suddenly jumped up and landed next to Hank. "YOU THINK OR ARE YOU SURE? !" Dale shouted frantically. Hank gritted his teeth as he backed away and pointed his. "Let's find out! Or else I'm soaked, covered in leaves, and outran the SAME GOD-DANG bear for nothing!-!" he shouted. His horn shot a beam to the leaves and scroll. Hank gritted his teeth and sweated like when he made propane, only less painful and harder. Dale seemed to slowly calm down. When the light disappeared, the scrolls with the leaves turned into these tubes with some brown stuff in the inside of the end. Dale's jaw dropped. "CIGARETTES!" he shouted. "OH THANK YOU SO MUCH HANK RUTHERFORD HILL! THANK YOU SO much!" He hugged Hank tightly and took the "cigarette" and put it in his mouth. Hank rolled his eyes and used his magic to light it. Dale finally calmed down and walked out of the library, thanking Hank and Twilight. "Remember Dale! Don't smoke them in front of fillies or colts! Don't want to bring back lung cancer here!" Hank shouted. As Dale left, Hank began to wonder if this was such a good idea... Nighttime... Cotton went into his room, tired from bucking trees. He was actually good at it despite his short back legs. As he walked to his bed, he heard somepony walking in his room. Cotton turned around and knew who it was. Giving one of his hateful glares, he said: "Oh, if it ain't Clifford the Big Red Dog?" Big Macintosh just sighed. "Listen, Cotton. We need to talk." he said. Cotton rolled his eyes and sat in his bed with his arms crossed, ready to hum a song in his head to ignore Big Macintosh.