...Or Buck Yourself
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"Absolutely not."
Spike laughs, surprisingly, and leans back in his seat. A toothpick appears in midair and floats over to his mouth. He chews on it for a second, thinking.
"I think you should," he finally says.
"I should what?"
"Take me up on my offer." He leans forward again. "You want Rarity as much as I do, for one simple reason: you're me. And if you're a dragon from a town of ponies, there's a pony-Rarity where you're from. I want her. So here's our solution: we switch places. Neither of us belong in our own worlds, so why not have each others? I can be happy with pony-Twilight, and pony-Rarity, and pony-everyone else, and you can be happy here. How's that sound?"
Come on, Spike, you can give it one last try! "Getting you out of my life would be wonderful, but I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about."
Spike loses his temper for the second time this morning, and in a bout of rage flings his empty juice glass at me. It passes by my face, missing by not even an inch. I try my best not to flinch when it shatters against the wall behind me. His eyes glow green again, shining way too bright for somedragon who's still suffering from a hangover.
"Can you turn your eyes down, please?"
"You're not listening!" His voice is so amplified, Princess Luna would have been impressed had she heard it. I just shut my eyes and massage my aching skull. Despite all of the shocks that have been happening these past few minutes, my desire to go back to bed is almost overwhelming. So, to quicken this little confrontation, I attempt to question his logic.
"What makes you think I'm you?"
Spike's eyes dim, though the look of rage on his face remains unchanged.
"I already explained. You told me yourself, last night. You were drunk off your ass, you came down the stairs, and when you found me-"
"Crying."
"Shut up. When you found me in the corner of your room you started blubbering about how there was this dragon from a town called Ponyville who fell in love with a unicorn called Rarity. I'm sure you're remembering now, if your face is any clue."
If this were a game of prodder, I would be screwed right now. He's right, though: I do remember. I told him practically everything about my life in Ponyville. Still, I must play the ignorant one; the questioning continues:
"And because I used your name and Rarity's name, you think I'm you from some sort of other dimension?"
"Oh, I don't think so; I know so. And you didn't just use our names when you talked about this place. See, if you'd just said that Spike and Rarity lived happily ever after in Ponyville, I would have shrugged it off like it was just some drunken rant. But then you started talking about something that you could never have heard about: the Fire Ruby incident. Nodragon in town knows what 'the monster' that tore up their town was, besides the Elements and the princesses. And since we all swore to keep it a secret, for my sake, there's only one way that you could know about it: whatever you told me was the truth."
Not to self: never ever ever ever drink hard cider again, ever. "Uh..." Say that Rarity told you, because you saw the necklace or something. "...oops?"
Well, that's a game over; and I've got no coins to continue with.
"Yeah, oops." He grins evilly. "You're caught, and by your own doppelganger. Makes sense, once you think about it: can't beat your own intelligence." He chuckles. "You wanna know what makes it even sadder?"
"What?"
"I wouldn't have guessed it, even with that story in my head, if you'd have just left Rarity alone. Even with the physical similarities between us, and the suspicious back story, and even the weird electricity thing back in the book maze, I wouldn't have guessed it. If only you hadn't gone after Rarity."
The thought of hiding who I am from him leaves my mind. There's no point anymore. "If I said I didn't want to, would you believe me?"
"Not for one second."
"Well, I didn't. In fact, I wanted to help you. I just..." I shrug. "...couldn't resist."
"Of course you couldn't." He looks frustrated. "Why would you even consider helping me? I mean, I'm the guy who's gone after her for ten years, and it's only been this hard because of a Celestia-damn species barrier, but buck me, right? You just had to get some'a dat tail!"
I have a feeling that last line was something I said when I was drunk last night. "I did want to help you, really. I mean, I obviously can't stay here."
"Oh yes you can." He puts his hooves on the table and leans into my face. "I already told you: you can stay here, in exchange for your life back in this 'Ponyville' place."
"No." Simple as that.
"Oh? Why not?"
"First, nopony or dragon would believe either of us if we started talking about parallel universes and switching places forever, not even Twilight. Second, I'm almost certain that if we tell Rarity, neither of us will ever have a chance of being with her. Third, I don't want to switch places with you. Fourth, I have no idea how I got here, or how to get back, or if I can get back at all." OK, maybe it's not that simple.
Spike's eye twitches, and I wonder how much he hates me right now (no doubt he too has felt these overwhelming swells of anger every time he sees me). "What do you mean, you don't know how you got here?"
I shrug. "I wasn't lying when I said I have amnesia. I don't know how I got here, and my memory's taking it's time to piece the story back together in my brain. The only time I ever have flashes of memory is when I go to sleep, and I usually forget them as dreams when I wake u-"
Two Weeks.
I feel the world flutter around me, like I'm not completely there. And I'm not: part of me is still falling through that glowing white window, reaching out towards the blue creature haunting my dreams and asking what my message meant. Before she answers, though, I'm forced back out by a tapping on my shoulder. Spike calls me out of that gray place, and the memories of the night before slip back into the shadows of my conscience.
"Dude, snap out of it. You were saying something about your dreams."
It's pointless to try and remember, so I let it go. "Yeah...I don't know how to get back. Not yet, anyways."
Spike smiles. "Well, now you don't have to. I'll find a way to your world for you, and then I'll go in your place."
"Once again: not happening."
He sighs in frustration. "But why do want to go back? Aren't you an outcast there, like me? Treated like a freak? Don't you want to be normal?"
"I am normal, in this world and mine the same."
"Oh really? Then what did the doctor do to treat you when you started changing during the Fire Ruby incident?"
It's an odd question, but I have the answer stored in my fragmented memory. "A dog. He started talking to me like I was a dog."
Spike nods solemnly. "That's right. And I bet you still get weird looks from any new townspeople who come in."
"Yes, but-"
"And have you been kicked out of restaurants because of the 'No Pets' rule?"
"What did you just say?"
"No pets, Madam. I'm afraid the lizard will have to stay outside."
"Spike is not a lizard, and he is most certainly not a pet!"
"..."
"Yeah." I pinch the bridge of my nose to try and still the headache that's just rebounded on me. "Yeah, that's happened, once or twice."
"Well, trust me, pal, I know what that's like. So, why not trade that awkward, abuse-filled life for one where you're treated like a regular Joe, where you can actually get the girl of your dreams, where you can talk about how great rubies taste and not get any weird looks in return?" That last one's a bit odd, but the thought of being "normal" amongst my friends, family, and loved ones is so tantalizing I almost lick my lips while Spike waits for an answer.
"I'd love that, really. But I can't leave Twilight and the others back in Equestria."
"Well, that's where-" He pauses, and thinks for a moment. "Huh. Equestria, Serpentia. Clever." He shakes his head clear and continues his original monologue: "Anyway, that's where I come in. All we have to do is convince Twilight and the others here that you're me and that you can replace me here in Dragonsville, and when I go over to your world, they'll just think I've been turned into a pony. Simple."
"You really don't see any problems with that." I can name about fifty.
"Not at all: we have the same memories."
There's no way I'm going to let him take my life, but I don't want him to tell anydragon else about this. So, using that amazingly resourceful and handsome brain of mine, I lead him on.
"Alright, let's haggle: I'll take your deal, if and only if you let me modify one little bit."
"Which is?"
Now it's my turn to lean back in my seat. "Instead of the explaining part here, I've got an easier way to get you out of here: you die."
Spike blanches for a moment. "H-How exactly do we accomplish that?"
"Easy:" I mimic writing a note and dictate, "'Dear Twilight: By the time you read this, I'll be far away enough that you won't be able to find me. I've decided that I want to learn more about who I am, or, more specifically what I am. So, I've taken some supplies, some books, and a pillow, and set out for the territories my mother was found near. If I ever find more ponies, then I'll be sure to send you a note. For now, though, I won't return any letters you may send, and you shouldn't expect any writings from me. Know that this isn't your fault, though, and that I love you like the mother whose origins I am now trying to discover. Sincerely, Spike.'" For good measure, I add an addendum: "'P.S. Rarity: I've always loved you, and I hope Emerald is the diamond-studded prince you so deserve.'" I finish my dictation and look at Spike. He still looks skeptical.
"Twilight isn't going to listen to that. The moment she reads 'you won't be able to find me,' she'll already be magicking over some camping trip books and a tent."
"Which is why, when Twilight and friends follow your magical residue into the Everfree, the only thing they'll find is a torn and bloody knapsack and a patch of horrifically familiar purple fur." I grin. Something about describing my counterpart's death is very entertaining.
Spike is speechless for a moment, lost in thought. Then, he too grins, and reaches out a hoof to shake. "It's brilliant. Deal."
We shake. I imagine what he'll shout, when I double-cross him and leave this town and this Twilight and this Rarity behind.
"Oh crap." Again, didn't say crap.
"Oh no," Spike moans, rubbing his forehead with a hoof, "what is it now?"
"What about Rarity?"
"What about Rarity?"
I don't want to seem suspicious, so: "Okay, let's say, hypothetically, you can't go back instead of me. What if I have to leave Rarity? I've already got a date with her to the Summer Sun Celebration!"
Spike rubs his chin, lost in thought again. I wait for him to finish thinking, which takes longer than I'd hoped (how long have we been chatting here?). When he looks back up at me again, he has a smile that says, "I've got the most foolproof plan ever created." So, quite obviously, we're doomed.
"Then you'll just be the next Blueblood."
"What?"
"Here's what you do: set up a date on whatever day you leave. Then, if you disappear, you can't meet up with her. Instead, I will. I'll explain that you've disappeared, and taken some of Twilight's jewelry as well, and I'll make her believe you were a thief, a liar, etcetera. She'll be devastated, I'll be there for her, and eventually, when her regular mourning period is over, and she simply turns her nose up at the name 'Emerald Spires,' I'll swoop in, take her out on a few dates, and from there, everything'll be perfect."
"Um, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but we've tried that before. Actually, it was when her dreams of Blueblood went up in flames and cake, remember? We wanted to ask her out when we all got together at the donut shop, but we couldn't work up the guts to ask her out when she was done crying about him." My stomach churns each time I call myself "we."
"Yeah, but that isn't a problem now. I know that I can ask her out now. You proved that."
I think for a moment. "Yeah. I guess I did."
"So, it's a deal?"
"We already shook on it, dude."
Spike leaps from the table, opens the fridge, pulls out some eggs, fruit, and milk, gets a frying pan from the drying rack, turns the oven on, and yells "Alright!" loudly, all in one swift motion. In seconds, four eggs are frying in the pan, knives are chopping up pears, and I'm being served large glass of milk. Spike sits back down with his own glass and some apple slices, keeping his magic on the eggs in the pan, and he raises his glass with both hooves.
"To us, then! Us, and the awesome futures that await us in our new worlds!" We clink glasses, some milk spills, and Spike gulps down half of his drink in a flash. Our conversation turns to how different our lives are compared to one another: one of the most significant differences is that, instead of a beast, the unicorn-Spike is treated more like a rabbit or a squirrel. He's constantly talked down to, and some dragons in town have accidentally swooped him up during their hunting trips.
"Yeah, I learned to stay clear of the Everfree after that," he chuckles, finishing his milk and shoveling more egg into his mouth. "Since then, every time I pass the guy on the street, I pretend to not notice his claws and walk into them, just to mess with him."
"Well, I guess that's better than having kids run at you playing 'Knight in Shining Armor.' I don't think any of them even knew that Shining's my brother." We share laughs, most of the time, and though it feels great to not be in deep water with the guy anymore (for now), I still feel as though one small misquote could make this conversation end in a fight. I wonder if that has anything to do with us being the same guy (other than us both loving the same girl, I mean). It's not until I'm washing down the last of my eggs with milk that Twilight makes an entrance, with a very happy-looking Pinkie Pie trailing behind her.
Now, when I say that Pinkie looks very happy, that's saying something. Pinkie is always bouncing around, with an enormous smile on her face. The Pinkie that comes through the kitchen door this morning, though, is something I've never seen before: the smile on her face is the same one I get whenever Rarity tells me how much she needs me (in her shop, to help with dresses), and she's not bouncing; she's floating. As in, off the floor. Somehow, using that strange, physics-bending magic she has, Pinkie is 100% off the ground, levitating directly behind Twilight, who doesn't seem to mind her defying the laws of physics. Or the fact that Pinkie's wrapped her arms around her neck in a sort of half-hug. In fact, she seems pretty happy because of it; I wonder if-
Oh. They're kissing. I guess that explains it. A little bit.
"Woah!" Spike shouts. Twilight's eyes snap open, and she pushes Pinkie away from her, noticing our presence for the first time that morning. Pinkie doesn't seem to care, and keeps her lips pursed as she dives in again and again for more kisses, eventually ending up restrained by Twilight's magical aura (though Pinkie's tongue can still slide out enough to tickle Twilight's ear). The lavender dragin turns to us and smiles sheepishly.
"Spike, Emerald! Good morning!" She glances at Pinkie, who is now making kissing noises and pretending she's holding somedragon in her arms. "Erm, as you can see, Pinkie had to stay the night, thanks to all that cider we, I mean, she, drank."
"Yeah she stayed the night," Spike says bluntly. I have to stifle a laugh. Twilight blushes, and Pinkie finally stops making kissing sounds to address Spike.
"Yeah, I did, Spike!" She seems blissfully ignorant of Spike's innuendo. "It was soooooooooo good! Ooh, did you know that Twilight's really ticklish right between these two spines?" She points to some part of Twilight's tail, and the red-faced dragoness tries to shush Pinkie while Spike and I let our held-back laughter out in torrents.
"No, Pinkie, I didn't know that!" Spike says when we can speak properly again. "What else did you learn last night?"
"Ooh, there's this spot that you just have to brush, and she'll do anything for you! It's like, mind control! It's just above her-"
Pinkie's mouth has been removed from her face. Twilight slams the lid on the trash can, and it vanishes in a poof of illogical pixels. She gives Spike a reprimanding look.
"Spike, really, that's not just rude, but very creepy, especially from you. What make you think you can just ask things like that about your own sister?"
Spike doesn't give her an answer. Instead, he raises an eyebrow and says, "Anything, huh?" Twilight's face flushes again. Behind her, Pinkie nods madly, and tries to play charades with us. We get to the second word (out of three, first word, "finger") before Twilight realizes what Pinkie's doing and shoves her out of the room. She holds the door shut, and explains to us while Pinkie pounds on it from the other side.
"Yes, Pinkie and I...spent the night together. She had had a lot of cider, and I..." She blushes more before she tells us the next part. "...well, I won't say I didn't either. You understand, don't you?"
Spike does. I don't. Is this something different here, or is Twilight in the closet about something back in Ponyville? Another question to be stored for later. For now, though, I listen to Spike's congratulations, as Twilight's apparently had some dormant feelings about Pinkie that broke free last night amid the chaos of the welcoming party. For some reason, I almost feel queasy, hearing about this. I tune out, and after a minute of thinking about my previous conversation with Spike the sound of my "name" brings me back to the kitchen table.
"So, Emerald, are you and Rarity alright?" Twilight glances between Spike and I. "She left the party early last night." She's clearly worried about how Spike will react to my asking her out. She's in for quite the surprise.
"Oh man, this guy!" Spike bursts into laughter that shocks Twilight and I, though Twilight's clearly more shocked. Spike doesn't notice, or doesn't care, and goes on: "The dude won't shut up about her! We've been sitting here for, like, an hour, and I've barely said anything! Talk about an obsession!" He laughs to himself, and I chuckle too, when Twilight looks over at me with a "what-the-hay-just-happened" look.
"S-So, you aren't jealous?"
Spike gives me a "can-you-believe-this-girl?" look. "As if! I spent way too long chasing after Rarity. It just took me a while to realize that. Actually, it's all thanks to Emerald here." He leans across the table and pats me on the shoulder, then whispers, "Play along or we're both screwed." He gives Twilight a pretty convincing smile and says, "I mean, he was right when he told me there was no way I'd get past the species barrier."
Twilight gives me a confused look. "You told him what?" She's losing concentration on the kitchen door, and I can see several thin pink spines sticking through the crack that inches open.
"Uh, well, you asked me to...so I did." Lying's been pretty easy up until now, so I'm sure I can keep it up. "I had my talk with him, and he's given me his blessing. That's it, really." Smooth.
"That's it? Really?" Twilight looks over to Spike, a hopeful look in her eyes. "Is that true, Spike?"
He nods. "Yep. I'm done with Rarity. It's time for me to move on." He folds his hooves behind his head. "Actually, the moment I let her go, I felt a lot better. I think things are gonna look up for me from now on."
Twilight looks like she's about to cry. She leaves the door (which has stopped trying to open itself) and goes over to Spike, who is forcibly pulled into a hug. He struggles in her grip as Twilight congratulates him on giving up his dream.
"Oh, I'm so happy for you! I knew you'd get over it eventually."
I breathe in a bit too sharply not to seem conspicuous: Twilight's never believed that I could ever be with Rarity. It was subtle at first, when I was a kid who didn't really know what he was doing, talking about love and things like that. She didn't stay subtle, which didn't exactly boost my confidence whenever I talked to her about my plans to ask Rarity out this evening or that evening. But, I never actually grew the balls to ask her out. The breaking point was almost two years ago, on my eighteen birthday. I was excited about being old enough to be treated like an adult (and all of the "adult" benefits that came with the big 1-8, wink wink nudge nudge). The first thing I wanted to do, obviously, was ask Rarity on a dinner date, and Twilight chose that moment to give me a lecture on how I could never ever ever have Rarity. Not a small talk, where she simply said that I was a dragon, she was a mare, it could never work out. Oh no, it was brutal: an hour and a half of charts explaining how I would live for centuries and centuries after she was gone, and how our children (which she assured we could have, as dragons are apparently very good "fertilizers," as Twilight called them) would be freakish and frowned upon by nature and society alike, and how she would be mistreated for being the mare that "fell in love" with a dragon. The lecture turned into a fight not long after she used air quotes with the words "fell in love," and I can safely say that it is the only birthday I've had that was worse than the Fire Ruby Incident. I'm still not quite sure how we made up after that one.
Spike disentangles himself from Twilight in time for the door to bang open. Pinkie strolls back into the room, gives Twilight a nuzzle, and goes to the refrigerator to find something to eat. From there, the conversations vary: Twilight has to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration, Pinkie's got to plan a party to celebrate her and Twilight's "consummation," Spike has some reading to do, to "find a cure for my amnesia." I can only pray the wink he gives me as he says this has gone unnoticed by the two dragins, though I think Twilight was too busy keeping Pinkie from feeding her sapphires to see it. Pinkie definitely didn't notice it: she's too busy feeding Twilight sapphires. After another hour of small talk and small snacks, I give some excuse about wanting to sleep off my hangover and head back down to the basement to sleep. But getting rid of my cider-induced headache is only a side-benefit to what I truly intend to do: I need to dream more. For some reason, my dreams are the only things that give me any clue as to how I got here and what I was doing before this, and I need to know what I'm doing here.
I slip under the blankets and my head sinks into the soft pillow. Sweet dreams.