//------------------------------// // You don't ever say no to The Hoof. // Story: Shade the Starcunning man // by Shadowhawk //------------------------------// So, to recap from we left off: I've gotten drunk in magical pony land, sung a song to a cheering drunken mob, made friends with a mystical creature and nuzzled a god who can move the moon. I remember when my life was easy. Wake up, eat breakfast, cast some spells, lunch, then more spells followed by some internet and a tv dinner. Now I've got some psychotic stroke victim screaming at me from the bedroom and a mild hangover. Well, I'm sure this won't be that bad and hey, maybe some new spells! As I haul myself out to the bedroom, I place Luna's crown on the table as Hoofbeat gets a good look at me. Her expression is an angry glare, which makes it funny when her eyes widen slightly in surprise at my form. Why yes Hoofy, I am a startlingly attractive man, thank you for noticing. Laughing internally, I smile at the mare who immediately frowns. "WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT?! IT'S TRAINING TIME WHATEVER THE HAY YOU ARE! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE SO I CAN MEASURE HOW MUCH MANURE I'VE GOT TO WORK WITH! "Human, Hoofbeat, my name is Shade." I say, losing the smile and standing directly infront of that nut. Looking at her, I notice she has a strange mark on her behind that looks like a sparkly horn and a weird stick thing. Because I'm busy pondering that, I don't see the levitated riding crop until its been firmly shoved into my gut. The fuck? "FIRST AND LAST WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ARE TO BE 'SIR'. SIR YES SIR. SIR NO SIR. SIR THREE BAGS FULL SIR. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BOOT?" Holy shit. "Yeah, I don't think so. Look, I've had a terrible night's sleep, so if we could talk like adults..." Apparently I have displeased 'The Hoof', because I'm rewarded with a sharp crack across the bicep. Christ! That hurts! "SIR. SIR. SIR." She adds emphasis to her words with three more rapid fire hits to my other bicep and both my thighs. Fuck this shit, I'm not putting up with a mental patient just to learn some new spells. I don't care if I have to wear this amulet for the rest of my natural born fucking life, I'm not going to be subject to a beating from a pony. Especially one with a retarded name. Jumping back to avoid yet another hit, I deftly twist the amulet and point at that bloody riding crop. "Punt!" The spell works perfectly as the crop sails out of the room. As she turns to look where it went I give a satisfied grunt and turn the amulet back on. Better safe than sorry. "Now, 'sir', I don't mind playing along with the whole drill sergeant yelling routine, but hitting me with that crop is a bridge... To.." I pause as I notice her turning back towards me with a grin that the Marquis de Sade would have probably blown his load over. The local field dips, her horn glows brightly and there is an almighty bang. Teleporting, incidentally, is rather unique experience. The only way I can really describe it is like a ride at a waterpark with those inflatable rings. You can't actually see anything, but you can feel these water-like waves of power physically pushing you through to your destination. You'd think the process would be instanteous, but it actually takes a moment or more dependant on the distance. If it wasn't so debilitatingly draining I would probably sleep there, it's so nice. So Hbeat had 'ported us outside. It took my brain a moment to process what the fuck had just happened, as it did so I looked around at where ever this is. Wooden obstacles, what appeared to be walls and hoops. Its a bloody fenced-in army training course, pony style! Laughing, mostly because my cardiac fitness is terrible thanks to a month long diet of Torch cooked bacon after Rachel passed, I turn back to the mare. She's moved a few feet away while I was collecting myself, standing infront of a wooden wall. I go to open my mouth to tell her there is no way in hell I'm running this course, then I notice what is on the wall. Riding crops. Hundreds and hundreds of riding crops of every shape, color and size. Oh my God! This pony, who is currently staring at me with the biggest shiteating grin I've ever seen, must be a dominatrix in her spare time or just really enjoy beating the shit out of her recruits. The local field wobbles and about ten levitate into the air. "BOOT! YOUR FLANK IS MINE! NOW GET RUNNING!" I'll start running alright, I'd like to be running out of the course, but she's cleverly placed herself infront of the exit. Come on Shade, you can outsmart this four-legged shewitch! Magic her back to whatever hell she was spawned from! Reaching for the amulet, I manage to get about a quarter of the way there before a crop slams into my hand. "BAD BOOT! I SAID RUN!" Another crop hovers meancingly close, cocked back and ready to do its thing. "WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LEARNING MAGIC?!" As I yell at her, the loaded crop fires off into the meat of my thigh. Fucking guardspony! "RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN." She continues to wail on me until I just give the fuck up and start running the course. I can hear her hooves clopping along behind me as I jog to the first obstacle which is a low wall, laughably short, so I easily leap it. "MAGIC, BOOT." She yells as I reach a series of overly large wooden blocks, spaced out so I need to jump from one to the next. It's obviously designed for a quadruped, so it's almost trivial to land on them and I pass it easily. Well, not too bad so far. "IS ALL ABOUT CONCENTRATION, DETERMINATION AND STRENGTH OF WILL!" Thank you Hoof, I never would have guessed! Whup! Next up is some wierd wall/rail combo, what am I supposed to do here then? I stop to ponder a moment, only to recieve a crop to the left ribs. "OVER!" She screams. I scramble over the much higher wall, feeling the much talked about burn they're always going on about on those exercise videos. "UNDER!" The rail is much shorter than I can crouch, so I have to roll on my side to get under it. "OVER!" She repeats. Yes Beatmare, I get it now as I barely manage to get over the wall and land on my ass. "UNDER!" How many of these fucking things are there? Rolly rolly goes the Starcunning man. "OVER!" Oh come on! With the last gasp of my upper body strength, I just about get over it and my arms flop to my sides. "UNDER!" Well, atleast rolling when you're tired is easy. Grabbing the rail, I haul myself to my feet, coughing and gasping. The Hoof gently encourages me to continue by smacking me across the shoulders. Twice. "GET MOVING BOOT!" Trudging at maximum sludge speed, we round the fenced bend and see what is next. A barbed wire tunnel, designed for ponies to crawl through. Looks like I'm getting a faceful of mud! Half-collapsing to the floor, I barely manage to drag myself along the tunnel. "AND WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? BECAUSE THE SPARK THAT ALLOWS US TO DO MAGIC COMES FROM INSIDE US! IF YOU'RE WEAK, YOUR MAGIC WILL BE WEAK!" The spark? Magic comes from the outside, you useless witch! I'm a conduit, not a generator! Anyway, the mud of the tunnel smells like a mixture of horse shit and wet dog. It's going to be a bloody nightmare to get out of my clothes, assuming ole Hoofy doesn't give me a heart attack from all this exercise. Eventually, I hit the end and stand up, sucking in air greedily. There is a bang and the shewitch teleports next to me. "THAT ALL YOU GOT, STALLION?! I THINK NOT! DODGING PANELS NEXT! RUN RUN RUN!" She 'encourages' me again by wacking my right ribs. Dodging panels supposedly train for sideways movement. Probably tough for a pony to coordinate their limbs in such a manner, but for a biped like me? Easier than eating whipped cream, but I still take it slow so I can get my breath back. She doesn't notice as she spouts another piece of information. "WITH A SOUND BODY AND A FOCUSED MIND, YOU'LL BE CAPABLE OF MUCH GREATER FEATS OF MAGIC! PERHAPS YOU'LL EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE OFF THAT NECKLACE AND NOT LOOK LIKE SUCH A FOAL!" "Hey! Fuck you Hoof!" And I recieve a couple crop hits to the ribs. Smart moves, buddy. "THAT'S 'SIR, FUCK YOU, HOOFBEAT SIR!' BOOT! DON'T EVER CALL ME HOOF! NOW IT'S THE DITCH! RUN FASTER AND LEAP!" The ditch was just a small trench-like hole in the ground. Sounds trivial, right? Well so was jumping over it. Then it was around another bend to some spaced out wooden poles that rose up and down like stairs. Piece of piss. "THE APEX LADDER! LIKE MAGIC IT LOOKS EASY, ONE MISSTEP CAN RUIN YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING FOALS!" Wait, what are those poles then? Magical nut removers? "AND YOU'LL NEED ALL YOUR FOCUS TO DODGE THE BARRAGE! TIME TO TURN THAT AMULET OFF NOW BOOT!" Alrighty! I'm gunna punt those fucking crops if they get close! Turning off my necklace, I take to the first log only to see something fly infront of me and embed itself into the wooden wall. IS THAT A FUCKING ARROW?! WHAT THE FUCK?! "NEAR MISS THERE BOOT!" Bitch is laughing at me. "BETTER THROW UP A SHIELD IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Another arrow shoots out and clips my leg. Letting out a tiny, breathless scream, I bubble myself and check out the damage. There is none, the arrows must be magically designed to cause pain but not cut. Still hurts like a fuck. "OH BOOOOOT!" The shield gets hit by a barrage of pain arrows and weakens significantly. "YOUR SHIELD WON'T LAST FOREVEERRRR!" Releasing my shield, I look to my right and see that Hoofbeat is on some sort of contraption that is firing those bloody arrows. She depresses her hoof on something and another arrows slams into my chest. Christ on the cross! Feels like I've been shot! And yes, I do know what idiotic statement that was. Through the pain, an idea strikes me and I pull on the local field. Hoof raises her leg to press it again as I wrap her and the entire turret-thing in a shield. Hah! Feeding that shield, which is currently taking a pounding from the inside, I get over the Apex ladder and as I touch the last step release the demon instructor. "WHAT A CLEVER BOOT!" She screams as she teleports beside me, scarring the shit out of me. "FIRST TIME SOMEPONY HAS THOUGHT TO BUBBLE THE ENEMY! MAYBE YOU AREN'T SUCH A USELESS PILE OF MANURE AFTER ALL!" Wait, was that the end of the course? That wasn't so bad, all things considered. "NOW, WEIGHTED RUN!" Oh for fuck sake. "AND WE SHALL BE PRACTISING MAGIC WHILE WE DO IT!" No, we won't because I'll be dead after 300 meters. There is a familiar sounding teleport bang and something wraps around my shoulders, torso and hips. Checking it out, it appears to be a saddle. Hold on, that means... There is another teleporting bang and a weight drops onto my back, practically pushing me to the floor. "ALRIGHT BOOT! LETS SEE WHAT YOU KNOW!" Her voice appears from above me. Yes, that's right. I'm being ridden by a pony. If everyone even thinks to say 'In Soviet Russia...' I will punt you in the face with magic. Anyway, Hoof has got weigh an easy 50 kilos which isn't terribly heavy. I start plodding away from the course. "I SAID WEIGHTED RUN! RUN BOOT!" She wacks me in the ass with her crop. Racehorses, you have found a new ally against the evils of crops. "Sir." The word tastes like poison on my tongue. "This is literally as fast as I can go with you on my back. Sir." Hopefully my deference will allow me some respite. "SINCE WE'RE POPPING YOUR CHERRY HERE, CANTER THEN!" "I have no idea what that is." And recieve a crop to the ass. Again. Forgot the sir, didn't I? "FASTER THAN THIS BOOT! PICK UP THOSE LEGS!" Struggling, I manage to up the pace to a rather uncomfortable jog. We've easily gone a hundred meters and already my legs are burning with the additional strain of carrying that shebitch. "BETTER! NOW, SHOW ME SOME MAGIC! WHAT CAN YOU DO, BOOT?" "Can... Shield. Make a torch. Punt things." I huff, barely able to catch my breath between each stride. "BASIC SPELLS! PAH! SHOW ME YOUR FIRE!" Remember way back in the beginning, after I torched the forest, when I said casting while being distracted is always a bad idea? Hoofbeat had apparently not been reading from the same rulebook as I had. Thing is, for all her banging on about focus she had apparently forgotten that I wasn't using a horn or wasn't a unicorn and therefore not naturally able to control magic. Calling on my focus while jogging, I started to draw on the local field and prepared to channel a torch. Energy flowed into the torch matrix with ease as I raised my hand in a cup shape so Hoof could see and I let the spell form in my hand. A tiny flame burst into existance in my palm and the pony riding me snorted in disapproval. "PATHETIC! EVEN FOALS CAN CAST BIGGER..." Well fuck you Hoofbeat! YOU WEIGH A BLOODY TON! YOU'RE A BITCH AND I MIGHT JUST BURN YOU TO ASH IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK... She's stopped talking? Oh dear. My hand was now just below the epicenter of a football (Soccer ball for Americans) sized fireball, with small streamers of flame coming from the center. I stop jogging for a moment, only to feel through my magical sense that Hoofbeat is now trying to wrap a shield around the fireball. This, unfortunately, raises the local field and causes the fireball to grow in size to that of a beach ball. She tries harder, causing the ball to increase in size once again. Now its nearly touching my and her faces. "Hoof. Beat. Stop. Trying. To. Help." I say through gritted teeth, trying to dispell the fireball before I become a well-done, fire roasted steak. "STUPID BOOT! ITS MAGICAL FIRE! JUST STOP FEEDING IT!" Easier said than done by stupid military enemy. I knew I shouldn't have cast while distracted and enraged. With careful focus, I slowly begin to taper off the energy flow, reducing the ball down slowly. Cold-turkey'ing the ball would probably have set fire to us both, atleast that's my theory. Eventually, it simmers down to a tiny flame which goes out with a tiny pop. Relieved and very sweaty, I take a deep breath only to hear the sound of teleporting. Hoofbeat now stands infront of me. "WELL BOOT, HERE I WAS THINKING YOU WERE CLEVER! THIS TIME WE'RE SKIPPING THE REST OF THE WEIGHTED RUN IN FAVOR OF A MORE TRADITIONAL APPROACH!" Her horn glows and the saddle disappears. "RUN UNTIL THE BOOT DROPS! GO GO GO!" I think I'll just shorten the very long run I had and give you the condensed version to save on time: Ow. Ow. Ow. "FASTER, BOOT, FASTER!" Ow. Ow.... Repeat that in your head for the next twenty-odd minutes and you're there. At the end, I collapsed into a sweaty breathless wreck of a man. She rewards me with another crop of encouragement to the kidneys. "WEAK BOOT! I THINK WE'LL END THAT THERE IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A LITTLE FILLY ABOUT IT!" She hits me in the gut with her hoof, keeping me pinned to the ground. Her horn glows and there is a bang. Atleast teleporter space is nice. After Hoofy berates me some more for being weak, she eventually leaves me in my guestroom. More specifically, on the floor of the guestroom. At some point, I eventually manage to drag up enough energy to rise from the floor. I'm muddy, sweaty and knackered. What I need is a fucking hot bath and something to eat. Preferably something fried, with enough calories to feed a family of four. Moving to the bathroom, I strip off down to my underwear and just leave my clothes where they fall. The bath, that ceramic relaxation station for the drunk. Time for you to be used as your creator intended! But how the hell do you fill it up? All that's there is this wierd scale-like thing where the taps should be. I push one end of the scale but nothing happens. I push the other end, but again nothing. I try pushing the hoof-shaped thing in the middle. Ahah! Eureka! I can turn on a ponytap! After some more playing with it, I eventually figure out that where the scales are set relates to the temperature of the water. Inventive piece of ponytech! Soon, the bath is filled with warm water and I remove my last piece of modesty armor and get in. Ahhh! The relaxing warmth soon eases my aches, although not the tens of vivid red welts that practically cover everywhere my clothes was. My entire chest is just one slowly forming supermassive bruise, tomorrow I'll probably be black and blue. Ah well, that's future-Shade's problem now. My thoughts turn to introspection as I lather up a sponge and, gently, wash myself down. I'm stuck in ponyland, with a demonic magical instructor and two demigods who fuck around with the sun and moon. I have no clothing besides what I'm wearing, no money and I'm immediately identifable as an alien to the ponies. So no way to escape and hide out while I figure out how to get home. I must have displeased the Gods in some way. Perhaps its all the blasphemy and taking the Lord's name in vain. Besides, If I do escape I miss out on all the potential spell knowledge, plus Luna would be heartbroken... NO! Shut up! Stupid feelings! NO PONY LOVIN' YOU MISERABLE BLOODPUMP! HUMANS DO NOT DATE ANIMALS! Well, technically some of them do, but I'm not one of those wierdos! SO CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW! Finishing up on my washing, I decide to just soak up that delicious warmth and relax. For the first time in two days, I correct myself, nine days since I arrived, I've a chance to simply be. Reaching up to the amulet, which I quietly hope is waterproof, I turn it off and cup my hands around a torch. The flame burns smoothly as I channel the tiniest amount of power into it. The simple act of summoning it banishes all that annoying introspection to the nether as it sits happily in my palm, the slight but lovely light cascading over my face and I enjoy the almost zen-like state of focused casting. A quiet knock on the door at some undetermined point later distracts me from my peace, followed by a voice that breaks my calm into tiny pieces. Luna is apparently outside of the room and wants to come in. I sigh, put out the torch, click the amulet back on and tell her she's welcome to. I hear the bedroom door open quietly, followed by the familiar sound of hooves on stone as she presumably enters the other room. "Shade, where are you?" She calls. "I'm in the bath!" I yell out. As I grab one of the fluffy towels that are usefully located near the bath, the bathroom doors open and Luna walks into the room. I let off a manly yell as I throw the towel over my naked body, drenching it but covering me from neck to foot. She looks somewhat confused as I point at her in blushing annoyance. "When I said you could come in, I didn't mean the sodding bathroom!" I half-yell at her and she smiles in response. "I've already seen you without your clothing, Shade." Ugh. Yes. She has and isn't that just a horrifying enough of a thought? "GET OUT!" I throw the soapy sponge at the lunar god and she retreats with a giggle, closing the door. Phew! Slowly, I get out of the tub and throw together several towels to make a toga-like thing that covers most of my flesh. Not precisely fashionable, but I don't see why I should be encouraging her with more views of my manly meat. As I enter the bedroom, I find Luna lying on the bed. She's managed to relocate her crown and tries to look regal. She fails but only because of the small, but noticable, bags under her eyes. An obvious side-effect of our little drunken partying. I offer her a small smile and she returns it in kind. The sun is barely lighting the room, but is enough for me to notice my clothing has disappeared from the floor-drobe. "Your new attire is certainly... Fashionable." She deadpans, but fails miserably as she starts to laugh. "Yea yea, laugh it up. I've only one set of clothing, remember?" I retort weakly. "Oh my." She stops laughing eventually. "Well, I can have a tailor measure you for some other clothing, if you like. And I thought we might have some supper after I raise the moon, although perhaps without the wine?" "Clothes sound good." Another box on the escape plan checked! "Food sounds better. But, to be honest, I'm really tired after today's training. All I want to do is crawl into bed." Luna's eyes light up at the mention of bed. "To sleep." I add, hoping to avoid a human-pony sandwich. She looks disappointed but not as much as I'd hoped. "Ah. Well if you are tired, I will leave you to your rest." Rising from the bed, she seems sad as she trudges to the door. I feel a small pang in my chest as she does so. Fucking heart. "You don't have to go so soon." Wait, did I really just say that? "Just don't expect much conversation is all I meant." Or any rape, kissing or snuggle attempts. She looks suitably happy as she makes her way to the balcony. "Good! It is almost time for me to perform my duty! Come!" She opens the doors and takes a step out into the cool almost-night air. I follow a moment later, the warm shield of towels protecting my giblets from the cold. "So raising the moon, don't you have to have some sort of magical amplifier or something? Or perform some ritual to get that hunk of rock up?" I say, more curious than anything. She laughs. "Nothing of the sort. Observe." Her horn glows and the entire planetary energy field flows to her. My magical sense screams, even though the singing strings of power cannot actually touch me. Slowly, but surely, the sun dips below the horizon and the moon begins its majestic climb to the heavens. Although for all its hype in my mind, its actually rather boring. Like when you're older, having seen fireworks a bazillion times, it just doesn't excite anymore. After a moment Luna's horn stops glowing and she looks at me, expecting me to be impressed. "Well?" She asks with obviously baited breath. "Well, that was kinda under..." I stop speaking as the sky slowly fills with stars, as if they were hiding from the evil sun. Expanding, they fill the night sky with tiny specks of light that fills me with child-like wonder. Like the first time seeing those fireworks I talked about earlier. Luna giggles. "I'm glad you liked it." She finally says as I drag my maw from off the floor. "When... When I was younger, I used to dream of building a spaceship and going to those stars." I tell her, spellbound and apparently talkative. "Visiting new worlds, meeting aliens, spending my life adventuring in the bosom of the cosmos. Its one of my oldest dreams. One of my favourites." "And now you have." She says, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight. "I..." And, with my defenses down, my stupid fucking heart takes over and wraps an arm around that demigod. Softly, I run my hand through the fur on her neck and look back to the sky. "I guess I have." We spend a rather pleasant few minutes just staring up at the stars before my brain finally kicks back in and I realise where my arm is placed. Gently returning it to my side, Luna looks at me and smiles warmly. Why do you do this shit, heart? I was perfectly happy sending her away! Stop encouraging the demigod! "Shall we eat?" "Absolutely, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." Her smile disappears. Thanks for that slip, brain. "It's a phrase from where I'm from." That's not helping, judging by her confused and slightly horrified expression. "We don't eat horses." Well, most of us don't eat horses, but that's probably not a good piece of information to share with ponykind. "I see." She looks less than convinced. Hey, wait a minute! Ponies are vegetarians! I can get this crazy mare off my back if I simply reveal I eat meat! Genius! "Human's are omnivores, hence why I've got these babies" Opening my maw, I flick my canines so she can see. "There are certain amino acids my body needs but can't produce, if I didn't eat enough my body would eventually start falling apart. Consuming flesh replenishes my supply." Listen to me talk the talk! I'm Shade the biochemistry professor over here! Luna considers this for a moment, her expression pensive, before she speaks again. "That does mean you'd eat me if you had the chance?" ARGH! IMAGINATION WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO THERE?! SHE MEANT CONSUME NOT THAT! Ugh. I reply while trying to make the image of horse nethers leave my mind. "As tempting as that sounds, no, you don't need to worry about me eating you. Besides, I'm really more of a fish and shellfish eater than anything. Well, aside from a nice steak." All this talk of food has got me practically drooling while Luna seems to be smiling. Wait, what? "Wait here a moment, Shade." Field wobbles, big bang, teleporting, the whole deal. Leaving my stupid ass alone on the balcony. Ever meet someone who just wants to please you, regardless of how obscure and repulsive your desires are to them? Luna's constant stream of acceptance is really starting to make her the lead runner in that unofficial competition. Part of me wants to just go mental and say I'm a mass murdering necromancer who raises the dead. But even I'm not stupid enough to admit to that, even if it was true. Eventually, the cool night time air forces me from the balcony just as the night Princess teleports herself and a table of goodies to my room. "While the Canterlot kitchens are well stocked, I could not find this 'steak' you mentioned. Many of the chefs had no idea what such a thing was. I did however..." I stopped listening when I saw what was placed upon my plate. Crab legs. Huge butter drenched crab legs. Forget what I said earlier, I fucking love this pony! While she continued to speak, I sat down with a silent tear rolling down my cheek. This is my favourite food in the whole wide world and she automatically brought it to me with only the slightest hint of a suggestion! As Luna finally notices my expression, I bring a single crab leg to my nose and inhale that divine ambrosial smell. "I take it you like.." Was as far as she managed to say as I basically inhale the entire plate of collected crabmeat, not caring where the shell and waste fly as I chew through the lot with reckless abandon. Some point later, time having lost meaning in the orgy of consumption, I look up at the horrified Luna with the greasy smile of glorious satisfaction. "You were saying?" "..." "My mother always said food is love and, right now, I fucking love you Luna. Crab legs! I could eat these for the rest of my natural life and still not get sick of them!" I lean back and sigh contentedly. Even my training wounds seem trivial after that feast. "Well." She says as she finally composes herself, "I'm glad you enjoyed it." Looking like she might vomit, she slowly eats her own salad as I stare off into the distance in post-foodus awe. Eventually, she finishes her own meal quietly and we spend a few moments just sitting there peacefully. Then, feeling the day's misadventures catching up with me, I quietly yawn. She doesn't take the hint, so I force out a louder one which she seems to understand. Feeling the warm feelings of a fantastic meal, I give her a hearty hug. She doesn't even go in for a kiss, although that's probably because I'll taste like crab. With a bang, she teleports herself and the table away. A wave of exhaustion washes over me as I haul myself to the bathroom, removing my towel clothing there and start brushing my teeth. At the time, I just toothpasted and went for it, but who would have thought they'd have a toothbrush? Yes, its technically designed for a pony's hooves, but its still very strange. Anyway, after I finish doing that I left the room and collapsed into bed. In the depths of that lovely thing, I doze off. I was in a field, not mine, just a generic green field with nothing to see for miles and miles. Well this dream is certainly boring! Wandering around, I can't see anything interesting at all, not even a zombie shuffling towards me or an adventure loosely based on a movie I've seen. Then there is a cracking sound from behind me. Ahah! ADVENTURE AWAITS! My dreamself spins to confront whatever it is. Its a pony. A pony who's entirely composed of riding crops. And its smiling at me. "Run." It says in Hoofbeat's voice. And the nightmare begins!