The God Squad

by defender2222


There and Back Again

"And so it came to pass that the God Squad completed their mission, though not in the matter that any had expected. For Luna, Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor had believed they were heading for an epic battle between themselves and the changelings... yet in the end the battle was little more than Tydal giving a spanking to their 'long lost' sister, the goddess of drama, Chrysalis. Lord Tydal explained that Chrysalis had not meant to harm any of them during her attempt to create ChangelingHive: Equestria, and after many hours of debate and some hot coco, got all sides to agree, begrudgingly, to let bygones be bygones.

"After spending several days at the hive, riding the rides and watching Chrysalis perform her one changeling show ‘The Thorax Monologues’, the fivesome bid Chrysalis and the changelings goodbye and made their way home. Unlike their trip to the hive, this one offered little adventure and, after two weeks, they arrived on the shores of Equestria.

"Some might say that their journey was over... but those ponies would be wrong.... the squad had a lot of livin’ to do, and as I always say to white folks when they seek folksie advice… ya either get busy livin’ or get-"

"Who the hay are you?"

"My name is Morgan Freeman... who are you?"

"I am Plot Dump, the narrator, and you are stealing my job. Leave this story at once!"

"Alright then, no need to be pushy. I'll just go stop Kevin Spacey with the help of Brad Pitt. Oh, hi Cate!”

“Hello Morgan. And hello, strange talking pony… I am Cate Blanchett… I was told there was a narrator’s job that needed filling?”

The God Squad
Episode 36: There and Back Again

"Canterlot... it is a sight for sore eyes."

Luna rolled her eyes (which were not sore in the slightest). "I honestly don’t see what is so great about it. It is a big castle on the side of a mountain... it looks like a huge zit. A zit on the face of Mt. Equestria."

"It is grand and beautiful," Celestia argued.

Luna huffed. "I don't see why we can't move back to our old castle."

"You mean the one in the middle of the evil forest that we half destroyed trying to catch that ghost and whose other half was destroyed when you were all dark and evil?" Shining used his magic to wipe his brow. Truth be told, he was glad to be home and to put all their adventures behind him. He had only gone along in the first place because he feared what would happen to the princesses (and Cadence had forced him to go) and now that they were nearing the end he finally felt his stress levels returning to normal.

"Captain Armor?"

"Yes Princess Luna?"

"Shut up."

Cadence happily skipped along the trail leading up into the city. "I can't wait to get back and get settled! I am going to get a tofu burger at McDonalds, then I am going to check out the book store to see if the new Daring Do is in, then I will visit Ye Olde Sex Toy Shoppe..."

Celestia leaned towards her sister as Cadence happily babbled on about what flavor of edible panties she would buy. "We need to get her to Dr. Nick 'n Cut and get her back on her medications." Luna nodded in agreement.

Tydal, his gift bags from the Changeling Hive slung on his back, stared at Canterlot like a condemned pony heading to the gallows. "Couldn't we just skip the boring city full of boring rich ponies? Please? It can be my birthday present. You girls owe me about 1,500 of them, so you might as well start now."

"It won't be that bad," Celestia said, trying to soothe him. “We are still trying to get ponies use to the capricorns returning and having you in Canterlot is helping them see you aren’t that bad.”

“Well, except for all the noble ponies you keep injuring,” Shining commented.

“It isn’t that bad though,” Celestia said. “Maybe you’ll enjoy it this time!”

"I'd rather skin myself and roll around in a pit of salt then put up with another one of your parties full of brown-nosing kissflanks!" Tydal's tail swished in agitations. "I swear, if I see one snobby pony I am going to slit his-"

"Permission denied," Shining stated calmly.

"AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!" Tydal roared, taking his anger out on a tree (luckily, that tree was an escaped pedophile which had inappropriately touched several acorns, so he did the world a favor). "I hate this city and I hate that castle and I hate that-" Tydal tilted his head in confusion, "-statue of a lazy eye pegasus sitting on a bed of skulls?"

The others blinked, finally noticing the giant statue of Derpy, the Dark Queen of Evil.

"Huh... that's new," Luna said.

~4 Days and One Not-So-Epic-So-We-Are-Skipping-It Adventure Later...~

Everything was back to normal.

Well, as normal as things were in a land full of talking ponies, water-bending capricorns, and seminar-teaching minotaurs.

Derpy had happily handed over the throne and the crown to ‘Granny Tia’ and left with Mary Sue (who had received plenty of hugs from Tydal, who was a tad over-protective of his fellow OC). Blueblood had been commuted to an asylum for a few weeks, and Angel Bunny had disappeared when it was clear that killing Blueblood would actually make life easier for him. Princess Celestia had settled back into her daily duty, Luna continued her research in her lab, Shining Armor took command of the guard again, Tydal (to his annoyance) was back on his ‘goodwill tour’, and Cadence had been to the doctor and gotten her meds doubled.

Yes, things were back to normal… so the appearance of the Crystal Empire threw a wrench into things.

“So… we are sure this isn’t a trick, right?”

Celestia sighed for what felt like the fifteenth time. “Yes, Shining Armor, it isn’t a trick.”

“You are sure, right?” Shining asked. “I mean, it seems a little weird and I don’t want to end up dead or something because you thought this was really the Crystal Empire and instead it was one big trap designed to kill ponies-“

“SHE SAID IT WASN’T A TRAP!” Luna roared.

Shining blinked. “Uh… ok, fine. Sorry.”

“Ignore her,” Celestia said gently. “It is her time of the month.”

“I thought ponies had one time out of the year,” Shining stated.

"Huh?"

Shining blushed. "You know... they go into heat once a year..."

“Where did you hear that?” Celestia said in confusion.

“Sex ed class.”

“I really need to update their text books,” Celestia complained as Luna grabbed a gallon of ice cream and ate it while crying. “Anyhoo… so we now have a bunch of Crystal Ponies that need to be dealt with and I want you two to do the job.”

“Of course, Princess,” Cadence said.

“…really?” Shining asked, staring at his wife. “No other comment?”

“What do you mean?” Cadence asked.

“I mean… no question about if it is a blow job or a hoof job? No saying you prefer threesomes to twosomes? No jokes about being able to bang a new race?”

“Why would I say that?” Cadence said, confused.

Shining just stared at her before shrugging. “Alright, I guess…” Cadence took out a bottle and popped a few more pills. “Princess, we would be honored to help the Crystal Ponies.”

“Thank you, Shining Armor. I also plan to send Twilight Sparkle and her friends to help you.”

Cadence frowned. “Princess… why do you always send Shining’s sister to do things instead of doing them yourself?”

“BECAUSE WE RULE AND YOU SUCK!” Luna screamed, chucking her ice cream at Cadence’s head. “Oh… oh no… my ice cream!” Luna sobbed.

Celestia grabbed another bucket of the frozen dessert and thrust it into her sister’s forelegs. “Well, normally it is because I have a convoluted plan that involves using her like a pawn on giant chess board. But when it comes to the Crystal Empire, we have a very good reason… we are sort-of… kind of… banned… for life.”

“Why?” Shining asked.

“Well, the Crystal Ponies respond to emotions and… we were raising by Tydal, so…”

~Many, Many, Many years ago…~

There was a peaceful empire called Crystal… where shiny ponies lived in harmony… their coat sparkled like diamonds… it wasn’t at all gaudy, you see…

“AAAAARRRGG!” Tydal roared, Crystal Ponies running in a panic as the sea god let out war cries. They scurried as he chased after them, foaming at the mouth and eyes blazing with fury.

And all at once the trouble started… a violent menace from the sea… like a swarm of locust he descended… his goal to make the ponies flee!

“Again, again!” a filly Celestia cheered, her baby sister babbling in delight as Tydal reared up, preparing to scare another pony.

“AAARRRRGGGGG!” Tydal bellowed, sticking his tongue out and wiggling his ears. Luna, who was perched on his back, squealed and wiggled in delight, her diapered bottom bouncing up and down.

“Yay!”Celestia exclaimed, trotting around Tydal’s hooves as she watched the Crystal Ponies flee in terror.

~The Present, The Next Day…~

Tydal was bored.

He had ditched the ‘good will’ tour he’d been forced upon; he hadn’t minded visiting the orphanage (giving the director a large chest of gold and promising more… kids were always his weakness) or the farmer’s market (though some of the ponies had reacted badly when he ate a chicken... feathers and all), but when they had reached a cocktail luncheon with Jet Set and Upper Crust he had quickly made a snide remake and leapt into a fountain, using the water to teleport back to the castle.

The problem was that there was no one to hang around with. Shining and Cadence had already left to go to the Crystal Empire (which Celestia had forbidden him to go near… much to his frustration; she knew he could care less about being banned and didn't want him 'scaring those poor, hockey loving, Bryan Adams listening, beer guzzling Crystal Ponies'). Speaking of the sun princess, she had been busy plotting something involving Twilight Sparkle. He’d normally go have fun with Luna but for some reason she had snapped at him and told him to leave her alone, calling him every dirty name in the book when he didn't answer quick enough if her crown made her look fat. The capricorn king had sadly left with his tail between his legs before teleporting away (missing Luna’s crestfallen look and rush to find him and tearfully apologize) before he’d made his way north out of Canterlot, deciding to explore the country and see how it had changed after 1,500 years.

Of course, gazing upon this new world only made him feel old. He looked upon cities and remembered the forests that use to be there. He stared at mighty rivers and watched, depressed, as gambling river boats (boat for gambling and not boats THAT gambled) tugged by. Life had passed him by and he was coming to the sad conclusion that, other than his subjects, everyone had built a life without him. Celestia and Luna were rulers now… fine ones, yes… but they didn’t really need him anymore. The trip had been fun but it was clear that the novelty of having their big brother back was gone and Celestia and Luna saw him only as a bother.

And how long till his own daughters and wife felt the same way? Coral and Misty would one day marry and have families of their own (assuming they ever got tired of mooching off of him)… and Merida, his beloved wife, she already did so much without him… half the reason he was on this stupid trip to Canterlot was because she had told him to leave so she could work on important things… every pony was kicking him away…

~Meanwhile, in Tydal’s Keep~

“Why did we kick daddy out again?” Coral asked.

“Because you know he gets sick when he smells paint fumes and I want to surprise him by redoing our bedroom!” Merida said happily as she and the girls set to work. "He is going to be so excited when he sees this!"

~MC~MC~MC~

“Graba grog ah!”

Tydal blinked, staring at the strange creature before him. He hadn’t even realized that he wasn’t alone, so lost he was in his depression, until he had almost run into the strange being. The weird animal had a long red horn on its head, wore funny armor, and growled like it had gargled rocks.

“Grabag!” the beast (otherwise known as King Sombra, the dark king of the Crystal Ponies) shouted at him.

“Aw, isn’t that cute, you think you’re sentient!’

“Gragoo gra ga!” Sombra shouted, firing a blast of magic at the capricorn king.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Tydal said, as if he were talking to a baby. “Yes you were, yes you were!” Sombra raced at him but Tydal merely laughed and picked up the smaller being. “You are a funny looking doggy… hmmm, no collar… you have an owner? Do you boy?” Sombra grunted something and Tydal patted his head. “You want to be my pet, buddy? I always wanted to have a dog… well, I have a dogfish, but not a dog.”

“Gragoo!” Sombra yelled.

“Come on,” Tydal cooed. “We can go to the park and play and then commit bloodshed!”

“Gra?” Sombra questioned, interest piqued.

“That’s right… we’ll murder ponies and dance in their blood! It will be so much fun!”

“Grahga grup!” Sombra said happily, nodding his head and trotting along with Tydal as they continued north.

“I’m gonna call ya Wiggles!” Tydal told his new doggie.