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// Chapter 8: Clutter Takes the Fall 
// Story: A Dodgy Business 
// by MLP-Silver-Quill 
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	“My arrest!” Ms. Jubilee reared back. “What are y’all blathering about?” 
Lucky Roll’s voice became steel-hard. “Early this morning, somepony slipped into the jail and KO’ed me and one of my deputies. By the time the other boys found us, them Grumble Brothers were long gone.”
“You’re serious?” Clutterstep drew up behind Ms. Jubilee. “You let them get away again? Crud, I thought I was bad at my job!” 
“Clutter, shush!” Ms. Jubilee squared up the Sheriff like a bullfighter. “I don’t see how that comes back to me.” 
The Sheriff pulled out a yellow scarf embroidered with cherries. “Them intruders bound me up and used this as a gag. I remember you wearing this to the last town festival.”
Ms. Jubilee’s eyes widened, “But... but that scarf was stolen. By Ms. Preda’s Varmin!” 
“Right, about them.” The Sheriff looked over at the wagon. Several figures limped out of the bed. Three of the Varmin, all bandaged up. No sign of their boss or the little ones. They looked like they’d gone three rounds with a dragon. The biggest one had his belly bandaged up a support harness looped round his head and snout. The lanky one canted midsection and winced every time he took a step. The smallest one—that creepy twitchy-looking Varmin—was wrapped snout to tail and made muffled hisses when he looked at Big Macintosh. 
Every pony was silent, except for Clutterstep. He burst out laughing, and before long he was rolling on the ground. “It hurts to laugh! Haha-ow! But I’m doing it anyway!” 
Ms. Jubilee stamped her hoof. “Cutterstep! This is serious.” 
“I know, (*gasp*) I’m terrible. But, I mean, look at them!” He laughed some more. “I just became a believer in karma.” 
Sheriff Lucky Roll cleared his throat. “These boys claim your newest hire jumped them last night. Gave them a good whooping.” The Varmin all muttered and glared at Big Macintosh. “I’ll be taking him in as well, for assault.” 
Sheriff Lucky Roll eyed Big Macintosh up and down. “Given his sorry state, I’m guessing it wasn’t so one-sided as they say, but that don’t change the fact he started the fight.” 
“Hang on a sec.” Applejack grabbed her brother by the yolk and dragged him away from the group. “Tell me you did not go and rough up them hoodwinkers!” 
Big Macintosh took an interest in his hooves. 
“Big Mac!” 
He looked up, real defensive. “I was mad.” 
“Mad? Mad? Brother, you haven’t seen mad until now! You’ve gone and given them an excuse to throw you in the slammer!” She and her brother worked best together. It was how they handled the whole of Sweet Apple Acres without having to hire extra hooves. Without him, Applejack wasn’t so sure they could finish the eastern fields in time. And what about getting back home for Applebuck Season? “Of all the times for you to go and do something thick-headed!” 
“I’m sorry.” said Big Macintosh. 
“That’s enough, the both of you.” The Sheriff called them back. “Now Mr. Macintosh’s situation is pretty cut-and-dry, but Ms. Jubilee’ll have to come in and tell us her side of the story.”
“But I don’t have the time! Sheriff, please, I can’t lose Big Macintosh. And you know me. You know I’d never do something like that!” 
If ever there was a pony who wished he could be anywhere else, even the moon, Applejack could see it was the Sheriff. “I’m sorry, Cherry. I’m more sorry than you can know.” 
“Not sorry enough to do anything!” said Ms. Jubilee. She pointed at the evidence. “I wore that scarf the night I danced with you, and now you’re gonna treat me like a criminal ‘cause Penelope Preda said so?” 
“I... I’m...”
He got cut off by another round of laughter from Clutterstep. “Boy oh boy, Rolls, you really are bad at this.” 
Lucky Roll found a new target, “You, shut up!”
Clutterstep was grinning like the prize pig at a fair. “I mean, you’re zero outta two in the accusations department. I’m the one who clocked you out, and then I beat up these yahoos for good measure.” He waved a hoof at the stunned Varmin.
“You what?” said everypony at once.
Clutterstep said while grinning, “I’d missed out on the bounty for the Grumbles, twice. Figured I’d give it another go. I snatched Ms. Jubilee’s scarf (which she just assumed was taken by the Varmin) and some rope. The rest, as they say, is statutory assault. Ms. Jubilee had no idea I’d done it. Fact is, she fired me just this morning.” He grinned at the wounded Varmin. “And these three were less of a challenge. Managed to clean house and all I got was this.” He waved a hoof at his bandaged noggin. “Was a real highlight after the Grumbles got away from me.” 
Lucky Roll suddenly looked like he’d woken up in a quicksand pit. “But... them boys said-”
“Them boys wouldn’t want to admit a pony like me could wipe the floor with them when there’s a much bigger and stronger pony standing right there.” He pointed to Big Macintosh, who was gaping big enough to catch flies. 
“Not true!” said the lanky one with the hunched back. “It was the red one! Just look at the bruises he left me!” He made to turn and show his backside. 
“Now, now. Harumphey, right?” Clutterstep trotted over and gave him a friendly backslap. The Varmin went ridged and his eyes glazed over. “It was a good tussle. No need to be ashamed. I’m sure your buds would say the same.” He glanced at the other two, who couldn’t say a thing through their bandages.
“Clutter, stop it!” Ms. Jubilee. “Anypony can see-”
“Ah-ah!” Clutterstep raised a hoof for quiet. “Let’s not make this worse, Ms. Jubilee. I’m sorry you didn’t know, but nothing you can say will change this.”
Ms. Jubilee looked like she was trying to eat the air, then shuddered and drew in on herself. She simply nodded, tears brimming. 
Lucky Roll looked around like the ponies and Varmin had turned into water buffalo. “Wait, what about all them scuffs and teeth marks on Mr. Macintosh?” 
“Oh, that.” Clutterstep waved a hoof. “The less said about Ms. Jubilee’s affections, the better.” 
“W-What?” Was hard to tell who was turning redder: Ms. Jubilee, Sheriff Lucky Roll, or Big Macintosh. Applejack covered her eyes with her hat, not sure if she should laugh, shout, or cry.
“Erm... I suppose—”
“Suppose nothing.” said Clutterstep. “I just confessed. Take me in. That’s what a real sheriff would do, right?” 
That struck a nerve. All the uncertainty bled out and Lucky Roll waved at two of his deputies. “Take him away. We’ll sort all this out back in town!” 
“Clutter!” Applejack ran up to him, but Ms. Jubilee got to her first. Wrapped her hooves around Applejack’s withers and held her tight. “I know you can’t lie.” she whispered in Applejack’s ear, “But I’m begging you to say nothing.”
Applejack wanted to shove her away. To go to her friend and slap him upside his busted head until he could think straight. Clutterstep watched her and gave a small shake of his head. All her words dried up.
They fitted Clutterstep with a pair of leg shackles and a collar. Fixed him to the wagon and loaded the injured Varmin. Clutterstep met her gaze and winked. Applejack could only watch as they carted him down the road and into town.  
“What do we do now?” she wondered aloud. 
“We use the time he’s given us.” said Ms. Jubilee. She wiped away her tears, though her cheeks were still burning. “We harvest as much as we can by nightfall, then we go see him and call him a dang fool.”
Applejack did just that. She attacked the orchards like a pony possessed and offered her brother lectures in between trees. Talk of reigning in his temper and not charging off to start brawls without her. She couldn’t take him anywhere! Hours of taking out her frustrations on bark and soil, and still she was riled as a rattlesnake when the sun began to set. They’d made good progress, but something was missing. It all felt like a defeat. 
She and Big Macintosh agreed to go into town and see Clutterstep while Ms. Jubilee took stock of the harvest and prepared everything for the final day. She also muttered something dark about throttling him for “slandering her reputation.” 
The sheriff’s office was a small affair. Ponies didn’t have much use for cells, thank Celestia. Fresh mortar and stone in the wall marked where the Grumble Brothers had made their escape. Pretty amazing the Dodge ponies had patched it up so fast. Then again, they did live with Clutterstep.
Applejack winced as several notes violated the air. That, or someone was torturing a magical hacksaw. 
“Dang it, Clutterstep!” The Sheriff’s voice called over the noise. “One more note, and I’ll charge you with assaulting an officer!” 
“Aw, c’mon. I’m getting better.” 
Applejack and Big Macintosh entered the jail after knocking. Clutterstep lay on a cot in a cell cattycorner to the Sheriff’s desk. It was the last one after the Grumbles had twisted the bars into freaky art. Clutterstep had a harmonica in his hooves. Applejack was sure those notes hadn’t been harmonica notes. Matter of fact, she wasn’t sure any instrument could be forced to make those sounds. 
Clutterstep glanced up and grinned. Applejack and Big Macintosh met him at the bars. “Oh Clutter, why did you do that?” 
Clutterstep shrugged and glanced to the Sheriff. “Hey, Rolls, how’s about some privacy?” 
“Nothing doing.” The Sheriff leaned back in his chair and rested his hind hooves on the desk next to a stack of cards and a pair of dice. The dice fell over and rolled a seven.
“Fine,” Clutterstep went back to his cot, “then you can all enjoy a rendition of my latest piece: Got the Blues ‘Cause the Sheriff Done Locked Me in a Cell.”
“All right! All right!” the sheriff got up and went towards a backroom door. “Y’all got five minutes, then visiting hours are over.” He slammed the door behind him. 
“He sure doesn’t like you.” said Applejack.
“Eeyup.” 
Clutterstep set the harmonica back on his cot. “He blames me for being sheriff.”
“How’s that now?” 
“Well, I was auditioning as a piano player this one night at the saloon.” 
Applejack frowned, “Can you play any better on a piano than a harmonica?”
“Everypony’s a critic.” muttered Clutterstep. “Well, I actually made out pretty well when ponies paid me to stop playing. But old Lucky Roll claims that I distracted him in a game against the head Varmin. The one who wasn’t with the group. Rawley, I think. Anyway, he wound up in debt to Rawley. Then the sheriff at the time went after the Grumbles and never came back. Preda set Lucky Roll up to pay off his debts and he’s been in her pocket ever since. It’s too bad. He was pretty cool before then.” 
Applejack nodded, “Just like Ms. Jubilee said.”
“Oh, yeah.” Clutterstep scratched at his mane. “Um, she’s not mad at me for that crack about her affections, is she?”
Applejack shook her head, “Oh, Clutter. That wasn’t the worst thing you said today.” 
Clutterstep trotted in a small circle in his cell. “You mean my confession? Best I could do. The way I see it, you’ll do more good out there and I get three square a day and roof over my head. Besides, I think I found my second calling.” 
Applejack had that sense of talking to Pinkie Pie all over again. “Serving time?” 
“Enhanced interrogations!” He held up his harmonica. “Ten minutes on this baby and several ponies came off the street and confessed to tax fraud.” 
Applejack banged her head against the bars. “How can you make jokes at a time like this?” 
Clutterstep smiled and pressed his forehead against hers between the bars. The bandage tickled against her coat. “Because it’s laugh or cry, and I’ve shed enough tears. If this is the only way I can help save Cherry Hill Ranch, then I don’t care what happens next. Besides, there literally isn’t a prison built that could hold me.” 
“But it ain’t right. It ain’t fair for you to do time for somepony’s mistakes.” She glared over at Big Macintosh, who made a good show of being lectured. 
“I’m sorry.” said the big lug. 
“I’m sorry too.” said Clutterstep. “Sorry I didn’t get to watch. You must have clobbered those guys!” 
“Eeyup!” 
“I swear,” Applejack growled. “I don’t which of you’s worse anymore.” 
The backroom door swung open and the sheriff emerged. “Time’s up.” 
Applejack composed herself and said to Clutterstep, “This ain’t the end. I can get in touch with Princess Celestia. She can—”
“Don’t you dare!” Clutterstep snapped so fierce that Applejack reared back. “If you bring her into this, I’ll never forgive you!” And he meant it. Was plain as Celestia’s day. Applejack wondered back to the pony he’d quoted about the law. He had been looking towards Canterlot. 
Still, she couldn’t just leave it. “Is there anypony I can get in touch? Family? Friends?” 
“No.” Clutterstep gave that sad smile again. “I’ve been on my own for a while now. But I’m glad I got to meet you two.” He took hold of her hoof. “Thank you, Applejack. Big Macintosh.” 
“That’s enough.” Sheriff Lucky Roll strode up and started hustling them out the front. Clutterstep offered the Apples a sincere smile and wink before the door closed in their faces. Applejack stood fuming for a moment. 
“Ah, AJ?”
“I’m still mighty sore at you.” said Applejack. “I need a minute to think. You head on back without me.” Big Macintosh grimaced and set off down the deserted streets. Folks seemed scared of the dark these days. In a town like this, Applejack couldn’t blame them. Not for that, at least. Everything else was fair game. 
She paced the town square several times, trying to make sense of it all. Clutterstep had no one. That was a terrifying idea for earth ponies. Applejack tried to picture herself wandering Equestria on her lonesome and doubted she could’ve survived.
It’d be a stretch, but she’d hire him a lawyer. A great lawyer. Best in Equestria. One that could shout “Objection!” at the top of his lungs and prove that even Clutterstep was lying about what happened that night. Probably have to get somepony out of Canterlot to do the job. No Celestia, that was the only rule. Twilight would have some ideas. Applejack would send a telegram to Ponyville in the morning so they could get the ball rolling before she returned home. 
Just having a plan gave her some comfort. She set off towards the ranch; tired from a night of poor sleep, cherry harvesting, and about a hundred emotions in ten minutes. Gonna make my mane as silver as Granny Smith’s at this rate. She chuckled. 
“Hmmrph!” A muffled shout from the alley drew Applejack’s head. Big Macintosh dangled off the ground, his front legs bound to his chest and a cloth wrapped over his mouth. He thrashed and kicked, but the green hand holding him by the scruff of the neck wouldn’t let go. He looked at Applejack, shaking his head and shouting something through the cloth. Sounded like he was telling her to run. 
Then the hand yanked him around a corner and out of sight.
“Big brother!” Applejack dashed in after him. She skidded round the corner.
And ran smack into a waiting bag. Her last sight was a giant shadow blotting out Princess Luna’s moon and thick hands drawing the bag over her. Scooped her up from snout to tail. 
Applejack cried out and kicked at the burlap, but it was too thick to tear. Her mind reeled as the bag swung skywards and slung back down to thump out a muscular back. Applejack cried out, and the air around her heated and pressed on her lungs. Bobbing up and down as the Grumble Brothers carried them away, all Applejack could think of was Sweet Apple Acres getting further and further away with each lurch.