Living The Dream

by Kickass222urmom

Bonus chapter: The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

David and I walk towards Sweet Apple Acres, both chatting causal.

"So, why did you want me to come here with you?" I asked as we walked at a normal pace.

David looked at me and smiled happily, "Its cider season, the line is going to be huge. But don't worry, Rainbow Dash said she would hold us a spot."

Cider season? What's that suppose to be? "Sounds cool."

As we neared the farm, I gasped in shock. There was a huge line of ponies, going all the way to Ponyville. This cider season must be popular or something.

David galloped ahead, "Come on Lance!"

I chuckled and galloped after him. David lead me up to Rainbow Dash, who was near the front.

When I walked up, I smiled at Rainbow Dash, "Hey Dash, whats everypony doing?"

She turned to me and pointed to the stand at the front of the line, where Apple Bloom and Granny Smith were selling what must be cider. "We're all waiting to buy some cider, but I never get any. Every year its the same, I get to the front, only to find out that they're out."

I chuckled, "Sounds like my kind of luck."

He slugged my side, "You better not be rubbing off on me."

I laughed at her and looked around.

David walked up to her and smiled, "Can I cut in front of you Rainbow Dash?"

She smiled back, "Sure you can David."

He got in front of her and gave her a quick kiss, "Thanks."

I walked up, "Can I also get in front of you?"

She pointed over her shoulder, "Behind me Lance."

I sighed, "Fine." I walked behind her and began to laugh. Damn my dirty mind, making that sound wrong.

When we was at the front, Fluttershy dropped two bits in the box and was given a drink.

David then walked up and did the same. He chugged his cider instantly, "Mmmm, that is good. Another Please." He dropped two more bits in the box and took his drink.

Rainbow Dash walked up and smiled, dropping her two bits in the box.

Apple Bloom put the mug under the faucet and pumped it. Nothing came out.

Rainbow Dash's face went from happy, to sad, then to angry.

Applejack walked up and smiled the best she could, "Sorry everypony! That's it for today!"

All the ponies around us said awww in a disappointed way.

Rainbow Dash glared and flew upwards slightly, "Surprise surprise. You ran out again!"

I put on a pouting face, "But I want my cider NOW!"

Another pony, Caramel, stepped forward, "Yeah, you always run out!"

Fluttershy spoke up, surprisingly, "For the record, I don't mind..."

Rainbow Dash flew down in front of her, "Why can't you make enough cider for all of us? Or at least for me!"

"And ME!" I chimed in from the back ground. Oh look, I'm a background character now, how nice.

All the ponies said their agreement to what Rainbow Dash had said.

Applejack jumped up on the stand and looked at the crowd, "Hold on everypony, we've done our best to improve supply this year.."

Caramel steps forward again, "You always say that!"

Whats with this guy?

She held her head high with pride, "And it's always true. But Apple family cider is made with love and integrity, and only the highest quality apples in Equestria. Sorry, but that recipe takes time."

Everypony began to complain and walk away.

"If y'all just be patient, we'll have plenty more tomorrow." Applejack said as they began to leave.

David, Rainbow Dash, and I turned, only to run into Pinkie Pie.

"She's right, y'know! You can't rush perfection! And this year's batch was perfection!" She said with a big smile on her face.

Fluttershy held her hoof under her mouth, "Uh, Pinkie Pie.."

I held up a hoof, "Pinkie, I'd be careful, Dash is kinda pis..."

Pinkie Pie flew forward and put a hoof over Rainbow Dash's neck, "I'll never forget the cider I just drank! It is a moment in time that will never exist again..."

Rainbow Dash began to growl, and get angrier by the second.

I backed away, "Oh shit, the shits about to hit the fan! Run everypony!"

Suddenly, the sound of honking could be heard, which thankfully stopped Rainbow Dash's coming rage.

I looked down the road and cocked my head, "What the hell is that thing?"

David shrugged, "I don't know, I didn't even know this place had cars or the such."

A weird looking contraction was coming closer. It had what looked to be tanks and other things attracted to it. Two stallions sat up front. This is strange.

Applejack walked up to us, "What in Equestria is that?"

"Your mom!" David replied while laughing.

I chuckled and punched his side, "Shut up dude."

As it neared, all the ponies began trotting towards it happily. If this thing was here to kill them, it could easily do it, since they all willingly walk towards it.

The car like thing came to a stop, but not before hitting the white fence that ran along the road. Granny Smith gave the thing a death glare.

I walked up beside Rainbow Dash and David and looked at it while two stallions jumped off. Both was wearing white and blue striped shirts and bow ties, and yellow show hats with a blue strip at the base. One had a mustache, while the other didn't. They both had a red mane and tail with a white streak in it. To top it all off, they was both unicorns.

The one with out a mustache began to talk in a sing song type voice, "Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, it's the same in every town. Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found. Maybe they're not aware that there's really no need for this teary despair."

The one with a mustache then began to sing, "And the key that they need to solve the sad cider shortage you and I will share."

All the ponies became excited.

I groaned and facehoofed, please tell me they're not about to sing!

They both began to sing at the same time, "Well you've got opportunity. In this very community."

They're singing! Kill me now, I hate sing along's! Well, unless they're catchy.

The one with out a mustache pointed to the other, "He's Flim."

Flim then pointed at him, "He's Flam."

Weird names, but I like them. Flim and Flam, very catchy. I may like this sing along yet.

They began to sing together again, "We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Travelling salesponies nonpareil."

Pinkie held her hoof to her mouth in confusion, "Non-pa what?"

Flam stood in front of her, "Nonpareil, that's exactly the reason why, you see. No pony else in this whole place will give you such a chance to be where you need to be. And that's a new world, with tons of cider. Fresh squeezed and ready for drinking."

Flim began to sing while sitting on a tube.. thing, "More cider than you can drink in all your days of thinking."

Rainbow Dash flew upwards, "I doubt that."

Again, they sung together, "So take this opportunity. In this very community."

Flam points at Flim, "He's Flim."

Flim points at Flam, "He's Flam."

"We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Travelling salesponies nonpareil."

Flim jumped towards the crowd, "I suppose by now you're wondering about our peculiar mode of transport."

Flam stood on his hind legs, "I say, our mode of locomotion."

Flim got up behind the podium on their vehicle , "And I suppose by now you're wondering, where is this promised cider?"

Flam shot up in front of him, "Any horse can make a claim and any pony can do the same."

Flim stood beside Flam, "But my brother and I have something most unique and superb. Unseen at any time in this great new world."

"And that's opportunity." They sung together.

Flim ran into the crowd of ponies, "Folks, the one and only, the biggest and the best."

"The unbelievable." Flam sang.

"Unimpeachable."

"Indispensable."

"I can't believe-able."

They then began to sing together again, "Flim Flam brothers' Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."

Flam put his hoof on Rarity's shoulder, "What d'you say, sister?"

Rarity did a dramatic faint, but before she fell far, Spike caught her. I wonder what Peter would say if he had saw that?

The crowd of ponies began to sing, "Oh, we got opportunity. In this very community. Please Flim, please Flam, help us out of this jam.With the Flim Flam brothers' Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."

We can sing along to? I didn't know that!

Flim walked up to Applejack, "Young filly, I would be ever so honored if you might see fit to let my brother and I borrow some of your delicious, and might I add spell-bindingly fragrant apples for our little demonstration here?"

Applejack looked uncertain, "Uh, sure, I guess."

When I noticed everypony about to sing the next part, I flew up and sang out, ahead of the rest of the crowd, "Opportunity, in our community."

Flam and Flim stood side by side, horns glowing a deep green, "Ready Flim?"

"Ready Flam."

The both sang together again, "Let's bing bang zam!" They then shot some rods on the vehicle with their magic. It turned on and a tube like thing came out, going to a tree. It sucked all the apples off with ease.

As this was happening, Flam was saying, "And show these thirsty ponies a world of delectable cider!"

All the while, the crowd of ponies, and me, are chanting, "Cider, cider, cider, cider, cider..." Over and over again.

"Watch closely my friends!" Flim said.

"The fun begins." Sang Flam.

"Now, here's where the magic happens, right here in this heaving roiling cider press boiling guts of the very machine. Those apples plucked fresh are right now as we speak being turned into grade-A top-notch five-star blow-your-horses-up of one of a kind cider!" Said as the tubes filled with Cider.

Flam pointed to a small window, "Feel free to take a sneak peek!"

Me and a few other ponies ran up to it and looked in. I could see apples going by, the good ones passing, while the bad ones disappeared below.

Granny smith began to talk in a sing song voice, "Now wait, you fellers, hold it! You went and over-sold it! I guarantee that what you have there won't compare. For the very most important ingredient. Can't be added or done expedient. And it's quality, friends, Apple Acre's quality and care!"

She gets to sing a full verse! Unfair, I want some of this singing action!

Flim quickly recovered from her out burst, "Well Granny, I'm glad you brought that up, my dear, I say I'm glad you brought that up. You'll see that we are very picky when it comes to cider if you'll kindly try a cup." He then floated her a mug.

She took a sip and smiled, but then quickly hide it, not wanting everypony to see that she likes it.

Flam started the next verse, "Yes, sir, yes ma'am this great machine, it's just the very best. So whaddaya say then, Apples. Care to step into the modern world. And put the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 to the test?"

Flim pointed at the crowd, "What do you think, folks? Do you see what the Apples can't? I see it clear as day! I know she does! So does he! C'mon Ponyville, you know what I'm talking about!"

"We're saying you've got." They sang together.

Then, the whole crowd joined in, even me, with the song as they sang, "Opportunity. In this very community. He's Flim, he's Flam. We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Travelling salesponies nonpareil."

They then went to the ground in a pose, "Yeah!"

Apple Bloom stepped forward, "You got a deal!"

The crowd all said their approval, I was jumping up and down with excitement. That song really got me got me riled up.

Granny Smith stomped her hoof, "Not so fast! No way no how that machine matches up with the care we put in our cider!"

She and the other Apple's all went into a huddle up.

I turned to David, "That was awesome!"

He shrugged, "If you say so. Kinda lame if you ask me."

I rolled my eyes, "Your not fun. What did you think Rainbow Dash?"

She smiled happily, "It was awesome!"

I smiled, "I totally agree with you!"

David sighed, "Why me?"

"No deal." I heard Big Macintosh say, which surprised me because I barely hear him talk.

I turned and looked at them all talk to each other.

Flim huffed, "Very well, if you refuse our generous offer to be partners, then we'll just have to be competitors." He said as he got up close to Applejack's face.

"You wouldn't dare." Said angrily.

"Oh no?" Flim replied. He then nodded to Flam, who was on the podium.

"Don't you worry, everypony! There'll be plenty of cider for all of you!" He said while standing on his hind legs.

Flim put his head next to Applejack's and held up his hoof.

He said something that made all of the Apple family gasp.

Flim and Flam then got back on their vehicle and pointed at the crowd, "Don't worry, we'll be back tomorrow."

The crowd cheered as they drove away.

I turned to Rainbow Dash and smiled, "I can't wait for tomorrow, I'll finally get to taste some cider."

She nodded happily, "I know, I've waited so long."

David grinned, "It was the best thing I have ever drank!"

Rainbow Dash and I gave him the death glare, "You!"

He backed away, "What did I do?"

Rainbow Dash stepped towards him, "I let you cut in front of me, and you got the last mug of cider!"

I stepped forwards next, "And you bought two! You should have been behind me! I would have had my cider, but oh no, you just had to be first and have two!"

He gulped and looked around, "Don't worry, there will be more tomorrow."

Rainbow Dash glared harder at him, "You better hope that's true. Just because your cute, and my coltfriend, doesn't mean I won't kick your flank if you get cider and I don't."

He nodded, "I got it, stay behind both of you."

We both nodded, "You better."

David, Rainbow Dash, and I stood in line. Me and Rainbow dash where waiting for the line to get to the front.

"I can already taste that cider on my lips." I said rubbing my hooves together happily.

Rainbow Dash smiled and had an overjoyed expression on her face, "Oh yeah, this is the day I'm gonna get me some tasty cider."

Up at the front, Apple Bloom yelled out, "That's it! Last cup!"

My eye twitched, and Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof. We both flew straight up at the same time.

Rainbow Dash yelled, "Oh for Pete's sake!"

I also yelled something out, "We've been trolled!"

Apple Bloom then yelled out, "C'mon back tomorrow, everypony!"

Rainbow Dash held a hoof over her eyes.

But then, down the road came the Flim Flam brothers. They came to a stop, but not before running into the same fence that Granny Smith had just fixed.

Flim got up next to Applejack, "What seems to be the problem here?"

Flam also got up next to her, "Oh my oh my, out of cider again?"

Flim stood next to the Cider Squeezy 6000 as a barrel came down from it, "What have we here? Who'd like a cup?"

All the ponies surged forward, even me and Rainbow Dash.

"Don't worry, everypony, we've got the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 to make more in an instant!" Flam said as he levitated two mugs to me and Rainbow Dash.

We both took them and eyed them happily. Finally, I have my cider!

Applejack used her lasso to grab the barrel and pull it towards her. As it passed me and Rainbow Dash, it knocked her mug out of her hoof.

Applejack propped her self up on the barrel, "You can't sell that cider! That's made from Apple family apples!"

Rainbow Dash jumped to the ground as the cider began to disappear. She began to quickly push the dirt where it use to be into her mouth. She stood and looked around, "Is this some kind of cruel joke?"

I smirked, "Aww, to bad Dash, looks like you won't be getting any cider. As for me, I'm going to enjoy this nice cup of cider. You jelly Rainbow Dash?" I said as I tilted it up to my mouth.

She glared and knocked the mug out of my hoof, sending it to the ground, where all the precious cider spilled.

I kneeled down in front of the disappearing cider, "Why?" I slammed my hooves on the ground and tilted back, my hooves up in the air, "Why does the young die so soon?"

Flim spook up, "Don't worry, everypony, there are plenty of apples in Equestria. We'll find some others and make more cider that all of Ponyville can drink!"

I jumped up happily, "I'm over my lose, make more now!"

Apple Bloom jumped forward, "We'll make more cider than you could ever imagine!"

The crowd gasped, so did I. What? I love going along with the crowd, can be fun sometimes.

Big Macintosh picked her up by the tail and carried her to the others.

"Now, it ain't about the speed, young'un, it's about quality." Granny Smith stated.

Everypony sighed in disappointment.

I jumped above the crowd, "Quality sucks! Give me cider!"

Rainbow Dash flew up next to me, "Who cares how good the cider is if I never get to drink any?"

I nodded, "I would rather have bad cider, than good cider, if it means I get some."

Flim grabbed both of us and looked at the crowd, "Oh, look at these poor, dissatisfied ponies."

"Ponyville is Sweet Apple Cider country!" Apple Bloom said as she was dropped by Big Macintosh.

"Our cider speaks for itself!" Applejack stated.

Flim lay on the couch on their vehicle, "Let's put it to the test!"

Apple Bloom moved forward, "Anywhere, anytime!"

The crowd began to mutter to each other.

"That's enough, now." Granny Smith said to Apple Bloom.

"With our machine, we can make enough cider in one hour to satisfy this entire town!" Flam said proudly.

Apple Bloom stepped forward again, "We'll do it in forty five minutes!"

The crowd murmured happily.

I jumped up, "Forty five minutes! Stop talking and get to making! I want some cider!"

"Easy, Apple Bloom, easy." Granny Smith cautioned.

Flim smirked, "What's the matter, Granny Smith? Chicken."

Granny Smith became serious, "What did you call me, sonny?"

Flim continued his taunt, "If you're so confident in your cider, then what's the problem?"

Granny Smith jumped up in his face, surprising him, and yelled, "Tomorrow mornin', right here!"

Flam levitated a apple up to himself, "But I'm afraid we haven't any..." He then spits on a apple, "...apples."

She shook her hoof at him, "You can use our south field, and it'll be worth it to teach you all a thing or two about cider making!"

Flim smiled, "Excellent; we have a bet. Whoever produces the most barrels in one hour wins the exclusive right to sell cider in Ponyville." He held out his hoof.

Everypony became nervous.

Granny Smith shook his hoof, "And after we beat ya I don't never want to see you bimbahoozalers around here again!"

The crowd began to talk amongst themselves.

Flam bowed, and so did Flim, "Until tomorrow." He said as their vehicle drove off.

Twilight walked up to Applejack, "Don't worry, Applejack, I know you'll win tomorrow!" She said encouragingly.

Applejack hung her head and began walking back to her family, "We'd better, 'cause if we don't, we're gonna lose our farm."

I walked up to Twilight, "Eh, don't worry, they'll beat them."

She looked at me, "How do you know that for sure?"

I shrugged, "Well, its Applejack, she always wins. Uhh, sometimes anyways." I turned and began walking off.

She looked at me, "Huh, where are you going Lance?"

I turned and smiled, "I'm going to write a little song for myself."

"I'm on a cloud, oh yes, I'm on a cloud. So fluffy and soft, I could die on a cloud." I sang out as I lay on a cloud that was above Ponyville. "This cloud here, you see, is not just any cloud. This cloud is the cloud that will bring about the storm that will flood your gardens. Oh yes, this cloud is special, as it seals your gardens life."

I continued to sing my song as David hoovered behind me, trying not to laugh. "Dude, that song is crap!" He said as he began to laugh.

I spun around and became embarrassed, "David! Why are you here? I told you today was my special alone time!"

He laughed again, "When you said special alone time, I thought you meant you was going to show your right hoof a good time. I didn't know you meant you was going to sing!"

I glared, "I'm going to..."

He held up a hoof, "Before you say anything, I must tell you that we are missing the contest."

I shrugged, "So, Applejack's going to win, why should I watch?"

He shook his head, "No, the Apple family is actually losing right now."

My eyes went wide with surprise, "What?! We have to get there right now!"

David and I landed near the crowd. I looked around, "Where's the girls?"

David pointed to the front, "There they are, they're talking to the Mayor."

I nodded, "Lets do this thing."

We walked up just in time to hear the Mayor say, "Hm, I guess it's okay. Applejack? What do you think?"

Applejack bucked a tree and looked at the us, "I think I'd love to have the rest of my family helpin' out."

We all said at the same time, "All right!"

I smiled happily, "Yay, I'm part of the family."

She looked past them, "Oh, hey Lance, didn't see ya there."

And there goes my happiness.

We all lined up in a line, while Twilight walked down it, "Okay everypony, we're not gonna let those smooth talkers take our friend's farm."

"Yeah!" We all said at the same time.

Twilight looked at Fluttershy, "Fluttershy, help Applejack with the trees."

Fluttershy nodded, "Got it."

She moved to Pinkie Pie, "Pinkie Pie, you're on apple catching detail."

Pinkie Pie saluted, "Yes sir, ma'am, sir!"

Next, she moved to Rarity, "Rarity, you've got a discerning eye. Help Granny Smith at the quality control station."

Rarity nodded, "Of course."

She walked up to Rainbow Dash, "Rainbow Dash, do you think you can help Big Macintosh press?"

"In my sleep!" Rainbow Dash said confidently.

Twilight then walked up to me, "Lance.. err... run around and pick up fallen apples."

I sighed, "I want a fun job."

"To bad honey, deal with it." She said smirking.

I looked at David... Who was no longer beside me. I sighed again, he ran off, really?

Twilight looked at all of us, "Alright everypony, let's save Sweet Apple Acres!"

We all yelled out, "All right!"

As everypony ran to their jobs, I ran around, picking up apples. What's the point of this job again?

I piled them up and looked around, "What do I do with those?"

Granny Smith looked up and said, "Just throw them away, their spoiled now."

My mouth hung open, "How are they spoiled?"

"They touched the ground." She simply said before going back to work.

I sighed and kept picking them up. I walked up to a tree to pick up a few dropped apples. When I neared it, it was ripped out of the ground.

I jumped back, "What the hell?!" I looked up to see that tube thing, sucking up whole trees. I looked over at the Flim Flam brothers to see they smirking. What did they do?

I shook my head, stay on task Lance! I continued to do my useless job.

"Time's up!" The Mayor yelled out.

We all slumped to the ground. But I made my dramatic, why? Because I could. I stumbled and held a hoof to my forehead, "Oh my, picking up apples almost killed me." I then did a fake faint, landing on Twilight.

Twilight pushed me off of her and looked at Applejack, "I'm proud of you, Applejack."

Applejack looked at her, "Thanks." She said, out of breath.

"Integrity like that? We'll always be... rewarded." Twilight said, trying to catch her breath.

I nodded, "Oh yeah, we definitely won that, no way those two could have bea..."

"Flim and Flam win!" The Mayor announced.

Everypony gasped in surprise.

I sighed, "You know, forget my last statement."

Applejack and Apple Bloom walked forward. Apple Bloom looked at Applejack, "Wh, wh..."

"We... lost?" Applejack said in shock.

Flim and Flam walked up smirking, "Daww, too bad, Apples."

"Guess you'll just have to find a new line of work that doesn't match your names quite so... perfectly." Flam remarked.

Flim gestured towards the farm, "Now should we tear down all these tacky old buildings and put up new ones, brother?"

"I don't see why not, brother. After all, this isn't Sweet Apple Acres anymore. How about 'Flim Flam Fields'?"

Rainbow Dash jumped up, "I ought to press you into jerk cider!"

I jumped up and hoovered beside her, "I'm with you on that one Dash!"

Rainbow Dash flew towards them, but Applejack grabbed her tail, "No Rainbow Dash, a deal's a deal."

Flim and Flam began to laugh in the most annoying way.

I flew forwards, "You didn't say I couldn't do anything to them!" I said as I prepared to slam into Flim.

Suddenly, before I even reached them, my body came to a complete stop.

"Oh no you don't Lance, I'm not letting you get beat up." Twilight said as she floated me towards her.

I crossed my hooves, "You never let me do anything that can hurt me."

She rolled her eyes, "Why would I? I don't like it when you get hurt."

I pointed to my flank, "Uh, hello, my special talent is getting hurt!"

She shrugged, "Not today Lance."

I sighed and let her sit me down.

"Congratulations to y'all. The cider business in Ponyville... is yours. C'mon, Apples. Let's go pack up our things." Applejack said as her and the other Apple's walked away.

Flim looked at the crowd, "Fear not, everypony, there's more than enough cider to go around." They began to laugh again.

Applejack looked at the crowd, "Go ahead, everypony. Go on, y'all. It's okay."

Pinkie Pie began to cry, her tears coming out in small water falls.

"I hate my life." I said.

Twilight turned to see me being drenched by one of the streams of tears coming from Pinkie Pie.

Flim and Flam got behind the stand and smiled, "Drink up, Ponyville! Down the hatch!"

Three ponies picked up a mug and drank them. They then spit the cider at Flim and Flam, hitting them in the faces.

One of the ponies, Cherry Berry, held the mug away from her, "I can't get the taste off my tongue!"

Bon Bon looked at the mug in her hoof, "Mines got rocks in it!"

The last one, a stallion, shook his head, "I wouldn't pay one cent for this dreck!"

Flam looked at him, "You wouldn't pay even one cent?"

The entire crowd said no at the same time.

Flim and Flam talked to each other, "How about two cups for one cent?"

"No!" The crowd said again.

They talked to each other again, "Two bits for a barrel?"

Again, the whole crowd said no.

"It looks like we've encountered a slight... problem here in Ponyville." Flam said nervously.

"Nopony wants our product. Next town?" Flim asked.

"Next town." Said Flam.

"Let's go, Flam!" Flim said while getting on their vehicle.

"Let's go, Flim." Said Flam as he jumped on next.

They then drove away from the crowd and onto the next town.

Applejack smiled happily, "They're gone."

Twilight walked up next to her, "That means Sweet Apple Acres is still in business!"

Caramel stood in front of them, "Plus we can have high quality Apple family cider!"

Apple Bloom pointed towards the pile of barrels, "Because of that silly competition, we've made enough cider for the whole town!"

Everypony cheered loudly.

I chugged my fifth mug of cider, "Shit man, that stuff is awesome!"

Rainbow Dash nodded happily, "I know! It taste better than I had thought!"

I looked over at Applejack, who was about to throw away all the cider that Flim and Flam had made, "Applejack! Wait, don't just throw them away."

She looked at me strangely, "Uhh, Lance, those are no good, remember?"

I shook my head, "Impossible! They can't be that bad." I picked up one of the mugs and chugged it... then wish I hadn't. I dropped the mug and held my stomach, "I wish I had listened to ya."

She laughed, "Tried ta warn ya."

I fell to the ground holding my stomach, "Its going to hurt when those rocks and tree bark come out."

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm writing to tell you what I've learned today. Today, I've learned that when you stick with your friends, you can do anything, unless those friends find you unimportant and stick you with the useless jobs. I also learned that when you bring a friend to help, make sure they stay around to help, otherwise, you're on your own. The most important thing I've learned is, when somepony says don't drink something, don't drink it. I'm going to be passing rocks and tree for the next three months. Also, can you tell Twilight to stop reading at night, it takes away from the fun when we're doing it. I mean, come on, she's reading while we make love! Doesn't even make sense!

Your brony,
Lance

"Lance, what are you writing?" Asked a confused Twilight.

I rolled up the scroll and turned, "A friendship report."

She raised an eyebrow, "What did you write? It better not be something bad."

I smirked, "Its nothing bad, where's Spike?"

"Let me read it." She said, holding out her hoof.

"Nah." I said while smiling.

"Let me read it!" She said a little more forcefully.

I shook my head, "Naw, I'm good."

"That's it!" She said as she charged towards me.

I jumped over her and stuck my tongue out, "Gotta do better than that Twi."

I then flew towards the others, and Spike. Once I was within a few feet of him, my body stopped and was slammed to the ground.

"Gotcha!" Twilight yelled as she charged towards me."

She grabbed the letter and read it. She then glared at me, "Lance!"

I smirked, "You mad bro?"

She looked at me confused, "What?"

I used her confusion and jumped upward, grabbing the letter.

"Hey!" She screamed as she started grabbing for the letter.

I looked at Spike, who looked at us with a confused face, "Spike, send this letter!" I said as I tossed it towards him.

"Spike! Rip it up, now!" Twilight screamed as I held her back.

"Spike, send it and I'll get you some gems." I bargained.

He smiled, "Deal!" And blew his magical green fire on the letter, sending it to the Princess.

Twilight slumped to the ground, "I'm doomed."

I laughed, "Aww, come on, what could possible happen that would result in something bad?"

Princess Celestia looked out over the city, admiring it, as a letter appeared in front of her.

She smiled, "Aw, a friendship report, lets see how my student is doing." She opened it and read it, instantly knowing it was from Lance, due to the crappy hoof writing. When she finished, she smirked, "Looks like my student needs some more studying." She said before laughing loudly.

She brought up a scroll and a quill and began to write a response.

Dear Lance,

Tell Twilight Sparkle to read the book that I am enclosing in this letter while you two are having intercourse. This should help you with your problem.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

She picked up a book, 'A life in bed' and put it with the letter. She then used her magic to send it.

She then rubbed her chin, "Hmmmm, I don't know if I should have sent a book. I hope it wasn't to big for Spike."

She shrugged and looked out over the city again.