"Well?" Applejack said. "Have you made your decision?"
"I have," Obama said. "I want to live in Ponyville."
"Okay," Twilight said, beginning to lead everyone towards town. "In that case, you'll need to pass a test."
Obama looked perplexed. "A test?"
"Don't worry. It's just to make sure that you won't be a problem in town," Twilight said. "Trust me, you do not want to know what we've had to deal with."
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie grated. "Like that one guy! TJ! Or JC! Or whatever! He didn't like me!"
"You set him on fire!" Twilight yelled back.
"He deserved it!" Pinkie Pie said. "He broke a Pinkie promise!"
"That shouldn't mean capital punishment!"
"But what if he goes around breaking even more Pinkie promises? What then?"
"He should get humane treatment, at least!"
Pinkie Pie gaped. "And breaking Pinkie promises is humane!?"
"Not to mention the impact setting people on fire has on the economy! Is that really humane?"
"Guys! …ponies! …guys! Stop!" Obama said, covering their mouths again. "There is only one way to win the capital punishment argument, and that's to ignore it."
"Fine!" Pinkie Pie said. "I'll just ignore it, so I win!"
Twilight looked confused. "What? But—"
Obama cleared his throat.
"Fine," Twilight groaned. "I'll ignore it too, so it's a draw. Pinkie, you can only half set people on fire."
"Half set people on fire?"
"Like putting a hot iron on their face."
Everyone looked at Twilight in horror. Obama and Fluttershy nodded in approval.
"Deal!" Pinkie Pie said, then paused. "…Pinkie promise?"
"Does that mean I get to put a hot iron on your face if you break it?" Twilight said.
"Yep," Pinkie Pie replied, not realizing the implication here.
"Then you have a deal!" Twilight said, giving Pinkie Pie a high… one.
"Isn't compromise great?" Obama said.
Everyone else silently vowed to never make another Pinkie promise.
"Shouldn't we get to that test?" Applejack said, desperate to change the subject from Pinkie Pie setting people on fire.
"Yeah," Twilight said, starting to head away. "Let's go."
– – – –
Obama, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie walked through the town. It was a quiet, bright day. Not much could ruin the silence.
Obama quickly broke it.
"Twilight," Obama said. "I have another question about Equestria."
"Fire away."
"We've been walking through town for 20 minutes and I haven't seen a single mare with a stallion," he asked, staring at a mare couple licking each other's face. "What's the story on gay rights here?"
They stopped walking. The gang stared at him like he was insane. Twilight hung her mouth open in disbelief.
Then came the uncontrollable laughter.
"Gay rights? Gay rights!?" Twilight said. "Are you kidding? We have problems with straight rights here!"
"…what?"
"Me, Spike, and Twilight are the only publicly straight ponies in Ponyville," Rarity said.
Spike fist pumped until he realized what Rarity just said. "Wait, I'm not a pony!"
"We've decided you don't really count as a dragon," Rarity said.
"Or, wait, wasn't there one other?" Twilight said. "Some pegasus. What was her name? Ditzy Do?"
"I thought it was Derpy," Applejack said.
"Wasn't it Bright Eyes?" Rainbow Dash said.
"She keeps trying to break into my house," Rarity said.
Pinkie Pie looked confused. "Aren't you ignoring the Cak—?"
"Anyways, it doesn't matter. Point is, it's rare," Twilight said. "If you're worried about that, you won't have any problems here."
Obama let this process. "So, how exactly did things end up like that?" he asked, naïvely.
"I don't know," Twilight said. "All the history books say is Celestia 'ran out of stallions.' They never go into any more detail than that. I've never been able to figure out what it means."
Obama stared at her in disbelief.
"Oh, I know how she feels sometimes," Rarity whined, dramatically raising her hoof. "Sometimes seeing the same men over and over gets so boring."
Twilight realized what it meant. She began to vomit and rethink her life simultaneously.
"Hey, you okay?" Applejack said. "That don't look healthy."
"Y-Yeah," Twilight stammered. There would be time to question existence later.
Fluttershy planted the evidence in the vomit.
– – – –
After much too boring to be include banter, the gang finally arrived at the community center. Twilight gave Obama a tour of it, also too boring to include, until they stopped in a small room empty except for a coffee table covered with cheap magazines and a couch.
"And here's the waiting room," Twilight said, heading out. "Stay in here until we get back."
"Okay," Obama said. The door slammed shut. He looked around. It was a quaint room. Very quaint. On the couch, towards the edge, there was a pony sitting in what looked like a very uncomfortable fashion.
"Hi!" she said.
Seriously, no quadruped should ever force that posture on themselves.
She didn't seem to mind, though. "Want to sit down?" she said, oddly eager.
"Oh," Obama said, sitting down. "Sure."
They sat there for a bit.
"What's your name?"
"Barack Obama."
"My name's Lyra."
"Pleasure."
He began to reach to shake her hoof.
"What's it like, having hands?"
"What?"
"Like, what you do with them and stuff? What's it like?"
"It's… nice. " Obama decided, for the second time in his life, to take a stand. "I fully support hands."
"No, I mean, what do you do with them?"
"Uh. Open doors. Hold stuff. You… you know."
Lyra looked at her hooves, then Obama. "What would you do if you, say… lost your hands?"
Obama recoiled. "What?"
"Like, say, in some horrible boating accident. Or a fire. Or if, like, some crazy person, like someone that totally isn't me, really wanted them and got out the…"
"We're talking hypothetically here, right?"
"Well, yeah. It's not like any of those things could actually happen, right?" Lyra got closer. "Right?"
Obama backed away. "I think that depends on you."
"I said not me."
"I'm not sure I believe you."
Lyra decided to subtly change topics. "So what are you doing this Friday?"
"What?"
"This Friday. Are you free?"
Obama paused. "I… just came from another dimension a couple hours ago."
"Then you don't have any prior engagements."
Obama tried to pretend this wasn't going where he thought it was. "I guess. Why?"
"I was thinking we could go out… have dinner…"
Obama scooted away from Lyra.
"Or, you know what? We could skip dinner. Dinner's optional. But then, you could stay the night at my place…" Lyra stroked her hair and leaned closer to Obama, cornering him against the edge of the couch. "You know, to have a place to sleep. And someone to sleep with. And if you don't like me, I do have a pretty hot roommate/girlfriend/caretaker…"
Obama defensively put his hands up. "Okay, no offense here, but you are really creeping me out."
Twilight popped up from behind the couch. "And you pass!" she said.
"What?" Obama looked around, only to see the rest of the gang pop out from various other hiding spots. "What? What's going on?"
"The test is whether you get creeped out by Lyra or not," Twilight said. "Isn't that right, Lyra?" She put her hoof around Lyra's shoulder.
"I still find this all a little insulting…" Lyra said.
"Too bad!" Twilight said. "If she creeps you out, the normal reaction, you can stay. If you identify with her creepy human lust, the abnormal, depraved reaction, then we know you are horrible person, beyond any hope whatsoever, and send you to live with the other humans."
Lyra glared at Twilight. "Right here…"
"The ends justify the means," Twilight said to her. "Remember that freak that said he would ravish you right here in the waiting room?"
"It was glorious," Lyra gurgled.
"My point exactly," Twilight said. "We don't want those freaks running around our town. Anyways, enough about Lyra. Let's see if anyone has any room to board Obama here."
They all walked outside.
"Who were we talking about again?" Rainbow Dash said.