//------------------------------//
// One Bad Apple 
// Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student 
// by milesprower06 
//------------------------------//

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

One Bad Apple

Dear Princess Celestia,

Let me start off by saying I hate kids. I never wanted any myself, and then mom had to go and die during Apple Bloom's birth, then dad of course ran away with that whore from Baltimare. Somehow, we kept the pooping, crying birth defect from dying until she was old enough to do chores on the farm. So just when she's starting to get decent at farm labor so she could get an apple mark, she goes and makes friends with two more idiot fillies. Personally, I blame public schooling. Why is “practice what you're already good at” so hard to teach? Why, back when I was in school, if you acted up, you got a ruler on the hooves, paddle on the ass, and soap in the mouth. As far as I can tell, I turned out alright because of all that. I didn't want kids because all the damn laws today. You're not allowed to beat their ass; you're supposed to give them a 'time out.' Fuck that. So I gave them the old tree house, so they would stay as far away from me as possible.

So now that I've gotten that problem taken care of for the most part, what does the sophisticated family over in the east do? Well, they dump another one on me! All because they can't deal with a bullying problem. Do you realize what this is going to do? If Babs, however unlikely, has a good time here, and then has to go back to her miserable existence in Manehattan, is gonna want to come back here all the time. And if her family up there is too stupid to deal with bullies, then they just might be stupid enough to let her live down here. I am not a hootin' foalsittin' service. If they don't stop jumping around me like a bunch of wild banshees while waiting for the train, I've got a mind to warm up the branding iron and give them all their cutie marks early.

So they take Babs and give her the dime tour of the clubhouse, showing her all the key features and places. Too bad they don't know that the bulls-eye on the floor was also where Rainbow and I...uh...you know what, never mind. Then they take her over to the barn where they've been working on their pumpkin float for the town parade, and of course get interrupted by their two favorite future whores.  For as good a job as Apple Bloom did fixing up the clubhouse, she did a shitty job putting on the wheel. Seriously, if it can be knocked off with a single pathetic hoof strike, I wouldn't feel safe getting in that thing. Or maybe they mixed up their roles again, hoping to win the parade's Best Comedy Act. Maybe lightning can actually strike twice.

So Babs goes over to the dark side and leave to learn the ways of the Force with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The crusaders then go about Ponyville attempting to avoid Babs, while singing “yeeaahheeaahheeahh” wherever they go. Because they're not snitches. Nope, they're bitches.

So they return to the clubhouse only to discover that Sith Lord Seed has taken it over. So once again, instead of coming to me, and allowing me to prosecute them for trespassing, they slink away to Sweetie Belle's bedroom. They didn't want to tell me, they didn't want to tell Rarity, and they REALLY didn't want to Twilight. I can understand that at least. Knowing her, she probably would've joined Babs in the clubhouse.

Coming up with a plan for revenge, they meet in the barn and create another float. Not to mention that I think I know where Rarity's been making those extra bits on the side. I think I can count on one hoof how many professions require edible clothing.

After building their new float to the theme of an old neighties TV show, they get all set to spring their trap. After being as subtle as possible with the winking and mattress, I told them about her bullying problems back home, and they knock Babs out of the float just before it tumbled off the cliff. Apple Bloom must have built this one, because this one stayed in one piece when it hit the bottom. Giving them all a bath back home, I told them that it was better to be a snitch then a bitch. After all, you only have to worry about snitches in prison. Afterward, Sweetie Belle steals more of Rarity's golden fabric to make Babs a crusader cape. They say their goodbyes at the train station, and to prove her training went well, Babs force pushed Diamond and Silver into a mud pit. Come to think of it, why is there a pig pen right next to the train walkway?

Part of me wants to tell them that never in the history of Equestria has there been a kids club for finding Cutie Marks. If this keeps up too much longer, it'll be too late. Scootaloo will be sent to the Rainbow Factory, Rarity will probably skin Sweetie Belle to make up for all the stolen supplies with still no Cutie Mark to show for it, and in the case of Apple Bloom, well, I hear Pinkie is looking for a baking assistant.

Your loyal farmer-not-foalsitter,
Applejack