The Life and Times of Love and Harmony

by TheManWithTwoNames


Love Them to Death

“First off, I want to say that this,” Cadence gestured to the ruined town beneath them, “is not my fault.”

Forcing her beak into the closest imitation of a skeptical frown she could manage, Philomena turned her body on the balcony to face away from the magnificent chaos below and glare at the shameless alicorn.

“You called me out to help. So tell me what happened.”

“Well, I was enjoying ruling my new kingdom here. I’m still heartbroken over the Crystal Empire, you know. Did your pet ponies really have to be so cruel?”

“Focus, please.”

“And I thought I would invite some of the neighbor royals for some dinner so I could show off how much nicer my palace was than theirs.” Cadence gave a weary sigh and rolled her eyes at the sight of the dining room behind them. Half of the table was overturned and the other half was on the other side of the room, covered in scratch marks with its legs broken out from under it. Food was strewn around the walls and floors, with half-eaten cakes floating on puddles of cold soup. No one had even touched the salad. And worst of all, none of the servants were even doing a thing to clean up.

“So what happened next?” Philomena asked, wincing as a building in the distance toppled over like a downed tree.

“Absolute disaster! They weren’t even paying attention to me!” The princess wailed, genuine tears pooling in her eyes at the horrible memory. “They just kept talking with each other, they were old friends or some stupid thing.”

“Brother. What. Did. You. Do.”

“Nothing! I just spat in their drinks.” An aria of screams rattled up from the flaming streets below. “I guess my spit is like a super potent love potion or something. How amazing am I? Tell me I’m pretty. Please.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Crimson feathers flared into a burst of flame for an instant, leaving a pile of ashes where the Spirit of Harmony was just a moment before.

Cadence watched the combustion with a hurt expression, prodding the pile of ashes with her hoof delicately. “You... don’t think I’m pretty?”

With another flash of fire, Philomena returned to life wearing an inhumanly patient smile. “Brother, dear, I think you’re very pretty. But two other kingdoms are collapsing now because their leaders are too busy ripping this kingdom apart because of something you did.”

“...So?”

So,” Harmony stopped herself short of a second explosion, “this is exactly all your fault.”

The information took a few moments to sink in, possibly getting a bit disoriented by the empty vacuum it found itself traveling through. Cadence’s expression hardened as the gravity of the situation finally dawned on her.

“I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of Oopsie-Daisies.”

“What I don’t understand is how two ponies could do all... this.”

“They aren’t ponies,” Cadence chuckled at the bird’s ignorance, leaning over the balcony railing. “Prince Minos and Princess Scythia are a minotaur and griffin.”

As if on cue, a piercing eagle screech tore up from the melodious sounds of chaos below. In immediate response, a low, rumbling moo sounded from the other corner of the city, followed by the destruction of several city blocks.

“It’s actually very interesting. Minotaurs are very physical lovers. On top of that, they kill everything and anything that might be considered competition for a mate.” It was baffling to Harmony how easily Love could ignore the sound of the ponies who depended on him being gored. “And griffins, hehe, they can’t actually grease themselves up if’n you catch my meaning. Usually they use fish blood since they’re in high supply, but it looks like ponies work just as well.”

Feeling lightheaded at the thought of it, it was all Philomena could to do land on her feet when she fainted back from the balcony railing. “How could you be so irresponsible?”

Cadence shrugged. “I guess when it comes to running a kingdom into the ground, I’m a force of nature! ...Laugh!”

There was something about his sister’s expression that told Love Harmony was going to be a serious wet blanket about the whole thing. As if things hadn’t gone bad enough already. Her servants were already too spooked to dote on her, and half of her eligible partners had just been snatched up by the competing royals. A snort escaped at the thought of the prince and princess. After she had brought them together, this was how they repaid her? By stealing away a kingdom-sized harem?

This would not stand! Those were her ponies, that was her kingdom, and wild sexploits were her territory! If anything, that should have been her down there killing all those ponies! But this was it. The time had come to draw the line in the sand. To stand up for her kingdom! To fix yet another one of Philomena’s mistakes!

“Sister, we must stop them from looking at each other to end the spell!” Cadence declared. “I need you to claw out their eyes!”

“I’m not going to do that!”

Augh, this was so much more effort than it was worth. Deflating immediately, Cadence began to mope in the direction of the dining hall. “It’s really easy to say ‘no’, but I’m the only one coming up with ideas.”

Philomena flapped after her sister, not noticing the swinging door until it was slammed shut on her face. Readjusting her beak, she shouted against the glass to catch the moody alicorn’s attention. “Where are you going?”

“To get some tea! I’m mondo stressed out”

Ejaculating syllables at the glass door did nothing to take the pressure of the situation off Harmony’s mind. Her animal instincts were telling her to take flight and just leave the whole ugly situation behind her. Why did she have to be saddled with her brother, anyway? He didn’t care about doing any work here. With all he had done so far, it was nothing short of a miracle that Discord hadn’t broken free from the disasters he was unleashing—and you can only imagine my disappointment. She should have just told Life to piss off and let her run everything by herself. But nooo, she had to be the “nice” spirit and try to get along with everyone.

She fluttered back onto the railing with a grumble and stared up vacantly at the ever-inviting sky. Her only comfort was the thought that if there was any justice in the world, Love would get what was coming to him eventually. There was just no way he could get away with this forever... Right?

“I’m too upset to even make tea,” Cadence announced as she returned back to the balcony, levitating a tea cup behind her. She brought the cup to her mouth and took a long drink, pulling up with a contented sigh. “There’s nothing in my cup, but making sipping noises calms me down.”

“That’s great,” Philomena grumped. Is that a verb? Grump? Oh what do I care. “Take your time, there’s nothing important going on here.” The clacking of porcelain turned the bird’s attention to a plate of pie that was being placed beside her.

“I also made you some pie to thank you.” Cadence gave Philomena a genuine smile before returning to her cup.

She returned the smile before taking a generous bite out of the dessert.

Did you know that bird vomit is orange? Well now you, Love, and Harmony can all join the club.

“Wh-wha-what’s in this horrible thing?” Philomena cried between retches.

“Used napkins and gerbil meat. Start being nicer to me!”

The two spirits butted heads, each one trying to will the other to simply drop dead on the spot. Their minds ran wild, each one conjuring thoughts of soldiers and warriors to ride into battle to lay waste to their miserable sibling. It began with typical spells and hooves being thrown, the valiant enigmas giving their lives for the cause. Then Love got creative and began to send in her special unit of mythological beasts, with hydras and timberwolves cutting through the enemy ranks. But hark! a desparate counter-attack by the forces of Harmony! The Princesses of Equestria have come to put an end to the conflict once and for all!

“No fair letting them use the Elements of Harmony!” Cadence shouted. “I don’t have anything cool named after me.”

“That’s because you would destroy it or shove it up your fanny!” Philomena squawked, her tail feathers turning into a plume of fire for an instant.

“Our protagonists, ladies and gentlemen.”

All of the fight was immediately drained from the pair when an unforgettable noxious stench curled around them. As much as they did not want to they could not stop their bodies from turning their heads toward the source of the terrible, eye-watering heat blowing against them.

“B-brother Death,” Harmony struggled to force some cheer into her voice. “What a nice surprise to see you.”

“And it’s nice to see that the world is in such capable hands.” The titanic basilisk gave the kingdom surrounding the castle an approving glance. “I prefer the fangs-on method, but I suppose getting mortals to do things for you has a certain Elder God flair to it.”

“He’s going to eat us,” Cadence whimpered.

Philomena strained her voice to talk over the princess. “Big Brother, it’s so nice to see you! It’s so nice! Right, Brother Love?”

“He’s going to eat us.”

“So nice! But what brings you all the way across planes of existence?”

“Well, between you and me, word is that three kingdoms are on the verge of collapse. And that the chaos just might release our favorite brother from his stone nap and let him run amok again. Which, if you think hard and remember, is what we’re trying to avoid this time.” Death leaned down and expelled a thick smog that bathed every living thing beneath him. “Now Sissy has me working containment so that the eager go-getters of the Minotaur and Griffin kingdoms can claim the thrones once the old leaders finish their reenactment of Romeo and Juliet here.”

“Are you going to eat us?”

“Depends on my mood after.”

Without another word between them, Death turned his attention to the ponies below and set to work. When Life interrogated him about his overzealousness later, he would gleefully waste her time with his arsenal of excuses: he didn’t know exactly who his targets were; innocent ponies don’t run, so they must have been the right one; sometimes pony fur tickles his nose and he doesn’t like to cover his sneezes. After hours of rustling every last jimmy Life held to her, he would finally get to the heart of the matter.

He was just having too much fun to stop.

“Have you ever eaten a pony?” Death called up to his two disgusted siblings above. “They’re like potato chips. It’s impossible to stop with just one.”

“Do you think that this counts as chaos?” Philomena asked, shrinking away from the stink of a dying kingdom. “Because I definitely don’t think this can be considered harmony.”

Cadence tilted her head to the side. “He seems to be loving it though. In his own special way.”

“There goes the neighborhood. Muhahaha! Normally that has racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.”

“Did we really let things get so out of hand that... this was the better option?”

“I guess so. Last time I ever ask you for help.”

Philomena’s feathers fanned out as an automatic response, but she folded them back in out of shame of herself. As much as Love had irritated her, she was still there to help ponies. Not just from the collapse of a kingdom, but in every situation big or small. It was what she wanted to do. And here she had let herself fail so many and let everything fall into disaster.

“Alright, miss. Do you want me to kill your son first or your daughter? Naaah, I’m just kidding. You don’t get to decide.”

This was a sign. She needed to help Equestria. And if that meant teaching Love to better understand the importance of their work, then she would gladly take on the duty. Even if the reality of the task made arm-wrestling with a dragon seem look like a cakewalk.

“Well, there’s another paradise ruined,” Cadence grumbled as another stretch of the city was consumed by Death’s smog. “Good thing I planned ahead and started looking at potential kingdoms. I was thinking of trying something more exotic this time. Like dragons. I hear they’re absolute beasts in b—”

“Brother, you need to start taking a more serious interest in this world.” It didn’t matter if she already knew exactly what the alicorn was about to say. Just somehow stopping her from saying the rest of that last word was enough to help her pretend she didn’t hear any of it. A curious habit among poor speakers and terrible story writers.

“Equestria is magical in more ways than you know. There are surprises around every corner! Mysteries under every rock!”

“No, no,” Cadence dismissed with a wave of her hoof. “I already know what’s under those rocks. It’s dead ponies.”

“What I mean is that you should return to Canterlot with me. See what it’s really like to live among ponies instead of trying to live above them.”

“If you’re asking me to bottom, I’ll tell you right now you’re wasting your time.”

This went on for much longer than I cared to pay attention for. But one of the many perks of being a spirit is that you can just throw a stone and find another sibling squabble going on. Or in some cases, start one, depending on how hard you threw the stone.

Death lifted his head up high to breath in the intoxicating toxic tastes of his handiwork, crooning and sighing at a job well done. As much as he hated being confined to a physical form, the thrill of being able to go hands-on more than made up for it. The joy of slipping into his basilisk body was like a child going to a playground. He has the time of his life as he runs around, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, meeting all the other kids and then reducing them to piles of sludge with his breath. But just like the playground, the worst part was the absolute disappointment when mom tells you it’s time to come home.

“But I just got here,” Death protested to the voice in his head.

‘I do not care,’ Life snipped. ‘I sent you here for two purposes only: to clean up our idiot brother’s mess and to get you to stop bothering me for a few minutes.’

“Sissy, you’re hardly being fair. Love is doing such a rotten job of running things, and we all just saw that I resolved this issue single-handedly. Proof positive that I should have been left in charge here all along.” Death’s eyes locked on to the small creatures bickering on top of the vacant castle. He bared his teeth wolfishly and began to slither toward the pair. “So if you don’t want to pull them back, I’d be happy to send them. I’m just a nice guy like that.”

‘I’ll give you fifteen seconds to leave on your own. Then I’ll yank you back myself.’

Death snorted black smoke from his nostrils but quickly reeled back his disdain, his scowl turning into a chuckle. Life existed in a funny paradox where she tried to watch Death like a hawk while at the same time giving him as little attention as possible. As long as he was back in the spirits’ domain, she could care less. But if he left just the tiniest, most microscopic little speck of himself behind...

“You’re so cruel to me. Fine.” Death gave a large yawn and a stretch. “I actually feel safer being away from Love while he’s running loose. It’s like watching a more pathetic version of Brother Chaos’s failures.”

Uh... Thanks?


In an instant, a very large basilisk-shaped piece of emptiness appeared. But curiously, this large basilisk-shaped piece of emptiness was only slightly smaller than the basilisk-shaped piece of basilisk that had occupied it before. To a careful eye, or a god or one of those autistic math geniuses you see in the movies, it would be smaller by exactly one scale located from a little underneath the left wing.

I should probably keep an eye on that. But it looks like Tweedledee and Tweedlenitwit are done, and that looks like it would be much more interesting. Someone else can keep track of the scale thing.

Cadence looked out on the remnants of her latest kingdom. Once again, in the blink of an eye, thousands of lives that had been entrusted to her vanished off the face of the earth. The consequences of the death of these two royals would undoubtedly have deep and long-lasting consequences for pony relationships with other species for untold generations. More immediately, lives, many that had just only started had been extinguished. They had done nothing to deserve this fate. It had all come because of one little act of spite on her part. As a spirit, everything Love ever did had consequence and weight to it beyond the scope of mortal comprehension. But here, the results could be seen directly. And she stood at the center of this crater of death and devastation, and only had one thing to say for herself.

"I think we earned a big dinner."

Philomena nearly fell off the balcony. "How do you think we deserve anything?"

Cadence tilted her head to the side as if it was the dumbest question in the world. "We didn’t leave any orphans or widows. So, you know, look on the positive side.” She clapped her hooves together and pulled the doors to the dining hall open with her magic. “Big steaks for the two spirits who didn't directly kill an entire kingdom!"

All in all, it was the best first Hearts and Hooves Day ever.