//------------------------------//
// Oh You Have Got to be Fortuitously Kidding Me 
// Story: TD's Little Rarity 
// by BronyWriter 
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I take a few uneasy steps back and put my hand up. "Ben. I need you to listen to me very carefully."

"Okay."

"Whatever you think you know isn't true," I say slowly. "I do not have filly Rarity in my room and I have not been to Equestria. That kind of thing is absolutely impossible."

Ben smirks. "Really? Because I heard you and your sister talking about it and you two really aren't the type of people who would have that heated of a conversation about something like that." He takes a few steps forward. "So it stands to reason that either you have been or you believe you've been and either scenario interests me." He chuckles. "Though not as much as the fact that you have filly Rarity in your room. You may have been hallucinating that, but your sister too? Oh, and let's not mention the unlikelihood that you found a video of filly Rarity asking you about football in a flawless filly Rarity voice."

I take a harsher tone. "Ben, stay the heck out of this."

"I heard her, TD," says Ben, eagerness rising in his voice. "I heard filly Rarity in your room!"

"Ben--"

"How long has she been there? How did she get here?! Why didn't you tell me that you're living the plot of My Little Dashie?!"

"Because I knew you'd react this way!" I say. Dang it, I should have kept denying it.

Ben smiles triumphantly at me and takes another step forward. "It seems to me that I'm the one holding most of the cards here," he says. 

"Ben, I need you to listen to me very, very, very carefully. She does not want to see you! She is scared by pretty much every human besides me and now my sister! She does not like Bronies!"

Ben scoffs. "Come on, dude, do you have any idea how selfish you're being? Filly Rarity, man, FILLY. RARITY!" He glares at me. "How can you betray the herd like this, man? What kind of Brony just keeps this to himself?" 

A look of bewilderment crosses my face before I figure out what's he's talking about. "Brony? Ben I'm not a Brony! I used that as a cover for why you heard Rarity's voice coming out of my room!" 

Ben's jaw drops and he lets out an audible gasp. "You... you swore false allegiance to the herd and kept one of our gods from us!!"

Okay, even I'm beginning to get the feeling that he's extreme even by Brony standards. 

R...Right? 

I shake my head. "Gods, seriously, Ben? That's ridiculous."

"Maybe a little," he mumbles. 

"That aside, I can't let you see her and I certainly won't be letting her out of my room."

"Well then I have to tell others about this," says Ben simply, reaching for the door handle. 

"No wait!" 

Ben stops and turns to me, his smirk returning. "Yes?"

"I can't offer you visitation rights, it's just not feasible. That doesn't mean we can't compromise."

Ben folds his arms and leans against the door. "I'm listening," he says. 

"Okay... so as you can gather I did spend two months in Equestria. I can tell you all about that, every single detail. Heck, I even brought something back with me that I can show you that will back up my statements. Just leave her alone!" 

"Well you said 'compromise' so let's do that. I'll be content with you telling me about Equestria if you let me see her once a week for half an hour."

"She's not a dog, dude! She's a real filly who is scared of the world around her and you being here would do the exact opposite of helping her! I'm the only one she trusts right now!" 

Ben glares at me and his hand reaches for the door handle again. "Then it seems we have nothing further to discuss," he says quietly. 

He pulls the door handle down but I'm there quickly. I wrap my arms around his chest and pull him away from the door. His weight means that we're both tumble to the floor. He struggles to get out of my grasp and, since he's regrettably the stronger of the two of us, he succeeds. He quickly stands back up and reaches for the door again, but something catches both of our eyes: My key card has fallen out of my loose shorts pockets during out struggle. 

You know, the one thing that can get anybody in my room where Rarity is.

His eyes widen and he reaches for my key card at the same time that I roll towards it. Once again him being more athletic proves to my detriment as he picks it up a half second before I do and runs towards the door. I stand up and throw my weight against the door before he can open it. 

"Hey Ben, do you want to know what the first thing I did in Equestria was?"

Ben pauses for a moment before my words sink in and a goofy smile comes across his face and he nods eagerly. 

I take a deep breath. "I punched Princess Celestia in the face." 

Ben's jaw hits the floor and he staggers back a few steps. "You're lying," he whispers. 

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," I say, doing the exaggerated motions to the promise. "And trust me; after Pinkie Pie sets you on fire for breaking one, you take Pinkie Promises very. Very. VERY seriously."

Somehow Ben's mouth gets even wider at that revelation but he recovers surprisingly quickly and moves towards the door once more. 

Anticipating this like nothing else, I wind back and punch my ex-roommate in the face. 

Thankfully Ben is not an immortal sun goddess (can you imagine if he was? Yeesh) and he goes down when hit in the jaw. The key card flies out of his hand and I quickly dive for it. However Ben still isn't out for the count and he dive tackles me before I can get to it. Pain shoots into my side as I collide with the table and I'm momentarily stunned. It's more than enough time for Ben to get the card and open the door. 

"OH NO YOU DON'T!!" I roar as I stand back up. I mirror his diving tackle and he hits the ground, the key card once again sliding from his grasp. He elbows me in the nose but I punch him in the spine. His back arches up as pain shoots through his whole body and I use that opportunity to grab the key card and run. Admittedly I'm not too sure how to get out of this. We’re in a fight in front of a bunch of people and questions will be asked. 

I reach my room and try to swipe in, but once again I find myself tackled to the floor. Thankfully I don't lose control of the key card, but Ben does land on top of me and punch me in the side of the head. I growl in pain and grasp his throat in my free hand. He gurgles as his air supply is cut off and he struggles to get away from me which is all I need. 

Until the cops show up that is, something that happens right now, actually.

Ben and I are quickly pulled apart but not before I manage to slip the key card back into my pocket. Campus Security leads the two of us down to the unused Hall Director's office and sits the two of us down. Ben and I are glaring daggers at each other and if looks could kill then we'd both have dropped dead long ago. 

Two officers sit opposite us and frown at the both of us. This is the farthest thing from good. "So," says one of them, "would you two mind explaining what that was all about before we get the police here?"

"He was trying to steal my key card to get into my room!" I accuse. 

The officers raise their eyebrows at Ben who intensifies his glare. "He had something of mine in there. He was keeping it from me."

"That's not true and you know it! She. Isn't. Yours!" 

"I like the show more so technically she is far more mine than yours." says Ben.

"What are you talking about?" asks the second officer.

"What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that three weeks ago he found filly Rarity in his room and he's been keeping her there for himself since then."

The room is silent at Ben's accusation for a moment before I break out into rambunctious laughter. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" I say wildly. "You really couldn't have thought of anything better than that?" 

"It's true!" Ben insists. "He's been living the plot of My Little Dashie for three weeks and he's not even a Brony!"

The first officer looks thoroughly bewildered but the second one is strangely quiet. He takes a deep breath and walks a bit closer to Ben. "Are you absolutely sure that Rarity is in his room?" he asks. 

Ben nods vigorously. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" he says while doing the motions. 

The second officer puts a hand over his mouth. "Holy Celestia," he whispers. 

"OH COME ON!!!" 

Ben, however, is not so put out as I am. "You are of the herd?" he asks eagerly. The second officer nods ever so slightly. "Then you know the implications of this. We Bronies by our very nature cannot break Pinkie Promises!"

The first officer is far past knowing what is going on. "Joe what is he saying? What's going on?" 

Joe clears his throat and turns back to his partner. "Uh, it seems to me that this guy has a contraband animal in his room. I think the best thing to do is master into his room to go check it out. I can do that while you filly-- I mean, fill out the reports." He turns to Ben. "If I find out that you broke your Pinkie Promise, I can assure you that you will have brought disgrace upon the herd unlike any Brony has or ever will."

Ben nods. "I understand, sir."

"Joe, what the heck is going on? What is the herd? Are you guys in some sort of a cult or something?"

"NO!" says Ben and Joe at the same time. 

"YES!" I say in the same moment. 

"Look it doesn't matter," says Joe. "I'm going to go check it out anyway. Just let me get the master card."

Oh no. 

They're going to find out soon and there's nothing I can do to stop them. The second one already seems to believe it. I don't...I...

I run. 

Yep, I just stand up and bolt out of there like... well; Hell kind of is already chasing me, isn't it? Thankfully Hell's reaction time is slow and I have a good fifteen seconds head start on the two of them. I make it to the elevator just as it closes and press the button for my floor. If they're going to take the stairs then I'll have even more time to figure something out. The best I can do right now is try to get her to my car and hope for the best. I can't just lock myself in my room while they have the master card. 

I reach my floor and am delighted to see that nobody is chasing me here yet. I key into my room and yell for Rarity. "Rarity, we gotta go!"

She trots out of my room with a sewing needle behind her ear and cocks her head. "Why father, whatever is the matter?"

"You know that worst case scenario I envisioned?" I ask, grabbing my car keys. "Well, it's happening." I put my keys in my pocket and pick Rarity up. I carry her to the elevator and begin our descent to the first floor. From there it's probably only a hundred or so feet to my car. 

The elevator reaches the first floor and I pick Rarity up again and run towards the front entrance. Ben is in the Hall Director's office still and he gasps when he sees me and it is only a few seconds before he gives chase. 

Oh, and did I mention that there was a movie day going on in the front lounge today? Seems that there are five or six Bronies in the crowd.

So, I find myself being chased by a bunch of Bronies and the two security guards in a short amount of time. Rarity is doing her best to fire some spells at the crowd, but nothing she's doing is really effective. She can really only levitate and illuminate her horn at this point. I have enough of a head start that I make it to my car and get the both of us inside before the crowd reaches us. I turn on the car, put it in gear, and hit the gas. 

Rarity uses her magic to put her seat belt on with my instruction and it's a good thing too because this is turning into a high speed chase. The two campus security officers have gotten into their car and are following me and it's only going to be a minute or so before they call for backup. 

The car chase is rivaling the one in The French Connection right now. I have to admit that if the two of us weren't so scared we'd probably be having fun. My car is just a hair faster than theirs is which I'm not sure how much that's going to help when real police cars show up... right about now. 

Yep, my guess of a few minutes is proven correct when no less than six cop cars join in the chase. Son of a gun that Brony officer must have told the police that I'm a dangerous criminal and/or contacted any Bronies he knew in the police force. It would explain the number of them. 

I'm pretty much pedal to the metal right now. I'm really glad that I'm full on gas otherwise this might be a short car chase. The roads are bare for the most part and I only have to swerve around a few cars in my mad dash to escape the cops. 

"Um father, not that I'm worried or anything but how are we going to evade them and what are we going to do afterwards?"

"No idea and no idea," I say. "Let's just focus on the first one right now and then we'll worry about the second, yeah?"

"I suppose that would be prudent," she says, looking back at the cars chasing us. "There seem to be a few more of them, father. About eight now."

"FFFFFF--FORTUITOUS!!!"

"Doesn't that mean--"

"I'd rather not use the real word if that's all the same to you," I growl. I turn the steering wheel and make a sharp left turn so I can get on a more deserted road where there will be less chance of running into...

Oh no.

You know those police blockades that show up during things like this? Well there's one right now. What's worse is that three of the cars chasing me are faster than I am and as such they are both flanking me right now. 

"Oh you have got to be fortuitously kidding me," Rarity mumbles. 

Despite myself, I laugh at that. It's more the laugh of a guy whose whole world collapsed around him in the span of a day so there's that.

With nothing else to do, I slow my car down until I come to a complete stop. Rarity and I are completely surrounded on all sides by cop cars and there's even a news chopper in the sky. They've no doubt heard about a high speed cop car chase and that stuff gets viewers. 

Six officers approach the car with guns drawn and I turn off the car. "Rarity, I just want you to know that I did my best. I'm sure there was a more rational way to handle all of this, but do know that I tried."

"I know you did, father," she whispers. The car is silent for a moment as the cops grow closer. "F-Father?"

"Yeah?"

"What's going to happen to me?" Rarity whispers and I hear the first traces of tears in her voice. 

I take a deep breath. "Don't worry. You'll be fine."

It's hard to believe lies like that when you're surrounded by cops.