//------------------------------// // Interlude 5: Locked Out of Heaven // Story: Human // by DannyJ //------------------------------// "So, what's our plan?" asked Gold Coin, "If we even have a plan?" Twilight smiled at him him briefly, and turned back to pouring magic into the spell, which coalesced in the air in front of her as a swirling blue vortex. "First's afterlife isn't any kind of physical realm," she explained, "More like a higher plane that exists everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. You can enter it from almost anywhere in the known universe, but only under the right circumstances. For one, you must be physically dead." "Well, that might be a problem then," Softy replied, "How are the rest of us supposed to go?" "There are a number of technicalities that can help you enter. For example, ghosts and the undead are not counted as living beings, so ourselves and Sliske will have no trouble getting in. Highly magical beings such as alicorns and demons are also safe, so we can take the princesses without trouble. As for the rest of you though..." She took a quick break from charging the magical vortex. "Well, the obvious solution is to temporarily separate your spirits from their physical bodies. However, that poses the risk of greater vulnerability to First's powers, and you may not necessarily come back." "Are there any other possibilities, Twilight?" asked Luna. "An intangiability spell works by temporarily elevating the body to a spiritual plane. Somepony under its effects could theoretically pass as a spirit and enter the realm as well. The spell would need to be constantly in effect while there though, which could be exhausting for whichever unicorn has to keep it going. And if it wears off at any point..." Chain Mail raised an eyebrow. "What? What happens if it wears off?" "You'll fall into the void of time." "That sounds bad." "It is. It's like an earth pony falling through a cloud layer, except you can end up anywhere in history, possibly with no hope of return." "And these are our only options?" "They are." Soft Spoken sighed. "Guys, we can't leave Explodey. I think we're going to have to do this." "Wonderful..." Sliske grumbled, "So who's going? Obviously we can only take so many." "We can't take Spike," said Twilight, "Too large. And the Harmonites wouldn't be much help. They'd be better off here guarding the knights. I think it should be just you ponies." "Us?" asked Gold Coin. "Yes, us," Chain Mail confirmed, "Not counting Sliske and Mystic, there are only three of us. If Sliske, the princess and Twilight all casted the spell on just one pony without having to split their attention-" "Actually, Sliske will need to be either in her natural form or in the demon body to enter the realm unharmed," Twilight interrupted, "So Mystic will be a fourth. We still might have enough unicorns though. Rarity isn't quite as magically skilled, but I could teach her the spell quickly, and she could take care of Mystic. He'd be the easiest one to protect." The surviving stallions all looked to each other. "Sounds like a plan," said Gold Coin, "Tell us what to do." *** Ancient Tome didn't notice Spike's presence until the dragon swooped right over him. The old unicorn yelped in surprise and fell over in the snow, as Spike landed on top of the nearest wooden building, which seemed to just barely support his weight. "E-Eternal!" he exclaimed, "What was that for?!" Spike looked left and right very quickly, and then leaned in very close, stretching his long neck down to ground level and resting it on the floor right next to Tome. "I have some information." His voice was still much louder than normal speaking volume for a pony, but for a dragon it was but a whisper. "What about?" Tome asked. "Lord First." *** "Ready?!" Twilight called out. Rarity, Celestia and Sliske all responded as one. "Ready!" The four magic users all leaned down and touched their horns on the heads of their partners. Twilight had Soft Spoken, Celestia had Gold Coin, Sliske had Chain Mail and Rarity had Mystic. "Now, go!" Twilight shouted the moment the spell was over, "Everypony into the vortex! We can't waste a single minute's worth of magic!" The alicorns, ghosts and living ponies alike all gave a triumphant battle cry and rushed forward into the blue portal of magical energy. To the side, the Harmonites shielded their eyes as the vortex flashed brightly every time somepony entered it. "Good luck!" Arcelio called out as Luna vanished into the portal, the last one to go. CRASH! The temple shuddered. Arcelio and the Harmonites looked to the hole in the wall, and saw a mass of purple and green outside. The crashing had been the dragon, Spike, landing on the outside of the temple again. Arcelio was about to chastise him for almost causing further damage to the Harmonites' dwelling, but then a massive clawed hand shot through the hole, and opened up to reveal two more ponies. One was a light grey unicorn with a beard and star patterend blue robes, while the other was a much darker grey earth pony in royal guard armour. "Quickly! Before it closes!" Spike ordered. Ancient Tome's horn burst with light, and both he and his companion turned very slightly transparent as they jumped from Spike's claw and galloped across the room towards the portal. "We're coming!" Tome shouted. The two ponies leapt into the magical vortex just before it closed. *** "So then," Explodey continued, "We all decided to have a competition to see who could kill the most zombies. And then I got bitten by one!" Broad Sword remained quiet, continuing to eat his ice cream while Explodey told the extremely bizarre story. "And then there's the time that I turned into a giant sludge monster and ate the population of Canterlot-" "Okay, STOP!" "Something wrong, Swordy?" "I need you to repeat that last part." "What part?" "The Canterlot part." "I...ate the population of Canterlot?" "Yeah. That's the part." "I ate the population of Canterlot!" "Right...Why?" "Oh, well you see that's a long story! Some of which I've already told you, but the important part is the dream world part, in which-" "Excuse me." Explodey turned his head to face a cloaked unicorn standing behind them. She had a dark grey coat and a mane of the same colour, and had an expression of disinterested apathy. That was odd to see in a kingdom where boredom was supposedly impossible. "Are you Explodey McGee?" she asked. "...Yah." Her horn lit up, and from within the cloak she produced a small ID badge. "Seeing Eye," she announced, "Inspector and junior overseer for the Department of Demonic, Eldritch and Otherwise Unnatural Creatures." Explodey looked back at Broad Sword. "They have bureaucrats here? I thought this was meant to be Heaven!" "Eh...First isn't exactly the most imaginative deity," his friend answered, "I guess that when he finds that he needs assistance, the first thing that springs to mind is what us mortals do." "But the invention of bureacracy was ponykind's original sin!" Explodey complained. Broad Sword could only shrug. "Ahem. I'm still here." "Yes! Sorry," Explodey replied, returning attention to the cloaked mare, "What can I help you with then?" He found a small plastic folder shoved in his face, which he magically gripped and opened up in silence. Broad Sword leaned over his shoulder to look at the files, which were a lot of really tiny text with two or three illustrations. One was of Explodey midway through healing after an explosion, one was of a double helix, and one was of a desert cactus with a big red question mark superimposed over it. "We have reason to believe that you, Explodey McGee, can be legally classified under Firstian law as your own separate species. More to the point, that species technically counts as an eldritch abomination, and as such it falls to my department to take you in for questioning, and put you through trials and processing to determine whether we need to move you to your own valley, keep you here, or possibly even lock you in one of the circles. This is non-negotiable." "This is bullshit is what it is!" Broad Sword shouted. The former royal guard got off his seat at the bar and stood face to face with the mare, while Explodey continued to read the files floating in front of him, apparently completely unaware of the argument. "Explodey is as much as pony as you or me! You have no right to-" "I have divine authority," Seeing Eye interrupted, "And he is not a pony." "Is too!" "Mister McGee, could you please turn to the third page of that folder?" Explodey looked at her uncertainly for a second, and then did as requested. He smiled slightly at the sight of it, and showed it to the other stallion. "Hey, Swordy! Look! It's a questionnaire! It's even got little illustrations at the bottom!" Broad Sword stared into the picture at the bottom of the page. It looked to be a glypth of some kind, but the angles of the lines inside it were all wrong. Almost physically impossible even. He began to enter a trance-like state, and he could feel a headache building. "Uh-uh." His head was pulled away from the questionnaire by the cloaked mare. "The illustration is a fifteen-dimensional image, and looking upon it is fatal for mortal creatures. If you weren't already dead, that would have killed you." Explodey looked at it again. "...Why include it then?" "It's an attachment to question six. 'Describe the image at the bottom of the page.' It's meant to determine how many planes of existence you occupy." He tilted his head. "It's a hot air balloon!" he announced. "Well damn. That's the full fifteen," Seeing Eye responded, "That's one mark." "One mark?" Broad Sword repeated. "One mark out of a possible twenty seven. If you can get twelve or more, you officially qualify as an elder god according to Firstian theological classification. It's like a quiz." "Oh boy, I love quizzes!" Explodey said happily, "Somepony get me a pen!" *** "Where are we?" "We've been separated, Mr. Spoken." Twilight and Softy were alone in the white void of the Firstian afterlife. Here, both of them appeared solid, though the old stallion still felt rather light in spite of everything. "Is this First's doing?" he asked. "Definitely. He doesn't want all of the Elements of Harmony assembled against him. Either group. He might be almost unstoppable in this world, but he'd still be a fool to not take precautions." Softy turned around on the spot, trying to search for any sign of presence other than themselves. All he saw in every direction though, was endless mist and fog. "Where is this place?" "This is Limbo, the first circle of Hell. All ponies who die come here first, and must walk through it, usually guided by First himself, to reach the paradise of valleys of Heaven. Or, if he deems them guilty but redeemable, he takes them to Purgatory instead, where they have to wait until he says they can continue." "That sounds unpleasant," Softy commented. "That's the kindest fate that Lord First sentences his enemies to. I said this is the first circle. There are more." "How many more?" "This circle is the first of nine. Purgatory and the valleys aren't circles though." "What happens in the other circles?" Twilight looked back at Soft Spoken, a sad look on her face. "Have you ever lost a friend, or family member, who...might have done some bad things?" He winced. "...A few." "Then you don't want me to tell you." *** Sliske and Chain Mail were surprised when they appeared on what seemed to be the edge of a large cliff, next to a waterfall. They were looking over a beautiful green valley below them, with laughing and frolicking ponies as far as the eye could see. "What the...?" the captain muttered, "Where are we?" "The Firstian afterlife, I would guess," Sliske responded, "I'm not sure what happened to the others though..." "Damn...Look at all those ponies down there...Do you think we can even find Explodey in a place this big?" "Can't hurt to try..." *** "No...He's separated us!" "What's happening?!" Mystic asked, fear evident in his voice. "That snake!" Rainbow Dash cursed, "He's split up everypony and dumped them in different places all over the realm!" "Oh no..." said Rarity, "It's far worse than that. Especially for us..." "You don't mean...?" "That beastly human has trapped us in Purgatory!" "What's Purgatory?!" Mystic shouted, "Where are we?! I'm scared!" "It's alright, darling! There's nothing dangerous here. We may just have some trouble getting out..." Rarity wandered off into the blank whiteness around them. Unlike Limbo, there wasn't even any mist or rocky ground here. Everything was just a white void in all directions. The little blue colt shivered in fear, while Rainbow Dash landed next to him. "Hey, squirt. Don't get scared. We'll figure a way out of this," she assured him, "Me and my friends have gotten out of worse scrapes before." Rarity walked around them in a circle, her horn glowing as she probed at something unseeable to the other two. "No!" she said angrily, "I can't believe it! We should have known he would try something like this! And we all blundered in without-" Hahahahahaha... Rainbow Dash was in the air again, twisting around to look in all directions and punching at the air with her hooves. Rarity in contrast remained completely still, eyes slowly scanning the void. "Mystic Chant, dear?" she said calmly, "Get behind me." The younger unicorn complied, standing behind the older mare's legs. In front of them, a large ball of light about the size of a pony began to slowly fade into the world, and it became brighter and brighter every second until it exploded in a blinding flash and with a loud pop. There was a thumping sound, as a heavily armoured stallion appeared before them. Stylistically, his armour evoked the Canterlot royal guard, but this was a full body suit that covered him completely. The only openings on the bright golden armour were for his eyes, mouth, nostrils and tail. Most notably, the chest plate of the armour was decorated with a bright purple gemstone that glowed softly. He stepped forward, and a pair of war hammers that the ponies hadn't noticed before floated up from his sides and twirled in the air. Rarity noticed immediately that there was no space in his helmet for a horn. So the pony was not a unicorn. She guessed that the gem on his armour was likely providing the magic instead. That or the will of First himself. As the stallion slowly walked towards them, he smiled, and the twin war hammers spun around in the air in a menacing fashion, forcing them to step back. "Hello," he said in a clear Canterlot accent, "My name is Private Steel Hammer. Former Equestrian Royal Guard, personal assistant to Lord First, and senior first class grim reaper. I kill ponies, I sort their souls, and I keep my Lord happy. And I can do all three of my jobs right now by eliminating you." He stood up on his hind legs, and pointed one of the hammers at them as one would point the tip of a blade at an enemy's throat. Despite the threat, Rarity and Rainbow Dash both got into combat stance, the latter even dropping down onto the ground and scraping a hoof against the floor. "You think we're going to be that easy?" she challenged, "Bring it on." *** Celestia, Gold Coin and Applejack stumbled forward a few steps, before realising that all the others that had been ahead of and behind them were all gone. "What? Where did they go?" asked Gold Coin. "I sent them away." The three turned to face their fronts again, and found that in the split second they had looked away, First materialised in front of them. Behind him was a desk that had been smashed in half. He was wearing very smart looking suit trousers, but instead of an appropriate jacket and tie to go with it, he just had a shirt. At that, the shirt was unbuttoned, exposing a still oozing wound on his stomach. And in his right hand, he clutched a rapier. "You have all made a grave mistake in coming here," he warned them, "This is my realm. My rules are absolute. I do not tolerate any deviation, and if you attempt to force a change that I do not approve, then you will suffer dire consequences." "Can it, First!" Applejack shouted, "We're here for Explodey! Where is he?!" "You're here for Explodey, are you?" First repeated, "Funny. Because I could have sworn you and the rest of your friends came into this realm on the false hope that bringing your precious pony princesses and your successors would somehow help overthrow me. Sorry, Applejack, but it doesn't work that way. You are all equally powerless." "So you say!" Gold Coin replied, walking up to First, "But your father wasn't infallible, despite all his power, and I don't think you are either!" "SILENCE." First didn't touch Gold Coin. He just held out a palm at him, and the earth pony was knocked away and sent sprawling, much to the shock of Celestia. "YOU, Mr. Gold Coin! You're one of the scum that they call the Brotherhood of Man! I have a spot reserved for you in the sixth circle for heretics!" "FIRST," Celestia ordered, "Stand down! This is going too far!" "TOO FAR?!" He held out a hand to Celestia, and even though he was not physically touching her, she felt the force of his fingers squeezing her neck and choking the air out of her. "YOU MISERABLE CREATURES HAVE THE AUDACITY, THE NERVE, TO COME TO MY REALM AND STAND BEFORE ME, THE MIGHTY LORD FIRST, AND MAKE DEMANDS LIKE A PETULANT CHILD?!" Celestia felt herself being involuntarily raised into the air. Applejack and Gold Coin soon felt the same. "I TRIED TO SHOW YOU ALL THE RESPECT I THOUGHT YOU DESERVED, AND YOU SPAT IN MY FACE!" he thundered, "Well NO MORE! I am DONE with you WORMS! You are INSECTS to a being like me! And you will share an insect's fate! You will be SQUASHED!" The three ponies tried to struggle to escape, but it was no use. "I BANISH YOU TO THE NINTH CIRCLE, FOR TRAITORS!" END.