//------------------------------//
// Magical Mystery Cure 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	“We need to get out of here and come up with a plan,” said Panzerfaust.  Her horn lit up and a tear appeared in time and space.
I jumped back from the jagged portal.  “What the hell?  How are you doing that?”
“Being part of the creation crew grants special abilities,” said Types.
“So let me get this straight.  This is like some sort of virtual dream world that you can pretty much do anything your mind conceives?” I ask.
“That’s how it started out,” Wildfire informed me.  “This plane of existence was formed in the collective unconscious of the universe.  Unfortunately, we never anticipated that thoughts and emotions would be so powerful.”
“That’s what video games have done to us,” said the traitorous Canadian Twilight clone.
Ignoring her comment, I said, “So that’s how everything got out of control?”
Types glared at me and I cringed slightly.  Her look held the same power whether she was a pony or a person.  “No, you coming to the world was what sent things out of control.”
“We’ve been over this, and you admitted that it wasn’t my fault.  It was the fault of time-traveling bad guys.”
“Which wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t come to Equestria!” put in Panzer.
“But that still doesn’t make it my fault for getting here.”  I frowned.  “So basically this is just one confusing chicken-or-the-egg situation that may have been instigated by me, but couldn’t have been instigated by me because then who would instigate it in the first place?”
“Shut up,” ordered Types.
“Yes ma’am.”
While we had been arguing, the mysterious Crystal King had begun throwing spells around and generally destroying the Crystal Empire.  It kind of reminded me of Ponyville, really.  Speaking of Ponyville, Panzer prodded us through the portal.
“Valiant!” shouted Twilight, leading her five friends over to the hole in the universe.  “What is that thing?  Why are you here?  What do you know about that mysterious pony that just appeared?”
“We should bring them along,” said Types.  “The Elements of Harmony are the most powerful force for good in this world.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” put in fake Twilight.
Real Twilight gasped in surprise.  “Who are you?  Why do you look and sound exactly like me?”
“Long story,” I interrupted.  I turned to my ex.  “It does get kind of confusing, though.  What can we call you to remember who is who?”
She thought for a moment and shrugged.  “Call me Sparklicious.”
“Seriously?” coughed Types.
“Yeah, I think you could do better,” added Panzer.
“We don’t have time for this,” I scolded.  “All of you, through the portal.”
“That’s a surprising take-charge attitude from you,” observed Wildfire.
I shrugged.  “If you’re one of the controllers—the moderators, if you will—of this world, then you’ve seen me organize battle forces before.  No big deal.”
We got all of them through the portal and Panzer closed it.  Ponyville was quiet compared to the battle we had just left.
“Okay, I think we need an explanation,” said Twilight.
“As it turns out, you aren’t real, just like I’ve been saying since I first arrived in Equestria,” I said.
“But…but…”
“Actually, that’s not true anymore,” said Types.  “While this may have started out as a fantasy world that you were pulled into, the fact that it is having actual effects on our world makes it real enough.”
I rolled my eyes.  “Okay, fine.  Twilight, you are real, but only because a group of my exes created you.”
She shook her head.  “I still don’t understand.”
“And it’s still not accurate,” added Sparklicious.  “You haven’t dated the whole development team.  Some of them aren’t even female.”
“Can we get back to the problem of how to fix everything that went off the rails?” I asked, looking at the visitors.  “Let’s see, I have a pair of very bad ponies from Earth harassing me through property damage and killing the locals of Equestria, the four of you dropping in and showing off your Mod Powers are probably upsetting the magic around here, and the Crystal Empire is under attack.”  I looked at Types.  “I believe you said that last one was a problem you created?”
She nodded remorsefully.  “Yes.  Post Haste was a character I created.”
I blinked.  “What.”  No question mark.  I was that surprised.
Types continued.  “His only purpose was to deliver the letter from Applejack that she wasn’t coming home from Dodge Junction.  Then you had to go and make friends with him, thereby adding to his meaning in Equestria.  Before too long, he started having thoughts.  Thoughts that since he’d been elevated from a simple background pony that perhaps he could go higher than mere secondary sidekick.”
“So he decided to become evil?” I asked.
She shook her head.  “No, he wanted to be a King.  When he first heard about the Crystal Empire, Post Haste looked at his flank and saw a cutie mark depicting an envelope with a heart on it.  It inspired him to go after the Crystal Heart because he thought it was his destiny.”
“But why the evil?” I asked.
“His dedication was too great,” she explained remorsefully. “ ‘Neither wind nor rain nor armed assailants can stop the Royal Mail Service…’  His drive to succeed led him to do anything to become the ruler of the Crystal Empire.”
“And that was your fault because you designed him with that determination?” I said.
She glared at me, but confirmed it with a nod.  “However, it was your fault that he got his hooves on advanced robotic equipment.  He sold the designs to Fillydelphia Cybernetics for cash to continue his operations.”
Well, that certainly explained a few things.  “One problem, though.  I personally killed King Sombra, and I saw the Black Twins kill Post Haste.  Even if they weren’t the same pony, he should still be dead.”
“If the Twins are capable of a killing spell, don’t you think they’re capable of a fake killing spell?” asked Panzer.  “He spent some of the money from Fillydelphia Cybernetics to hire them.”
“But why?” I asked.  “Bits are useless on Earth.”
“Well, it’s not like we’re omnipotent or something,” said Sparklicious, throwing her hooves skyward.  “Some questions just can’t be answered with our current knowledge.”
“That’s where I come in,” said Trixie, arriving on the scene.  Since getting radiation suppressors from Zecora, she could interact with us without fear of cancer.  “Dad, do you remember that book Princess Luna had, the one with stars and swirls on the cover?”
I nodded.  I vaguely remembered seeing her with it shortly after the discovery of the Crystal Empire, and got an up close look when she let Trixie read it.  “I was meaning to ask you what that was about.”
“Well among a whole bunch of useless trivia was a spell for creating a Nightmare Night costume of King Sombra from magic.  It’s pretty easy to do.”
I thought for a moment.  Twilight had told me that Princess Celestia had demonstrated something like an incomplete version of that when telling her about the Crystal Empire.  Furthermore, I had seen Twilight do about the same thing on accident when dealing with some of Sombra’s residual magic.
“So with two powerful unicorns in his employ, Post was able to take on the appearance of King Sombra,” said Trixie.  “That’s why the tip of his horn disappeared when it was cut off by the protective dome over the Empire.  It was a magical construct.”
“But how the hell did he survive?” I demanded.  “I cut that bitch so hard he split from end to end.”
“Maybe necromancy?” suggested Twilight.  “When Sombra finally entered the Crystal Empire and took on a solid form, don’t you think that was a little unwise and exposed him to attack?  We know the Black Twins have the ability to reanimate corpses.  They could have just substituted one.”
I frowned.  I didn’t like to admit it, but he had been a suspiciously easy-to-defeat evil villain.  “I guess that explains why all he did was mutter incoherently.  He was a zombie.”
“And before they swapped out, Post Haste didn’t want to talk clearly and have you recognize his voice,” added Wildfire.
“I still don’t understand why he went to the trouble at all,” I said.  “I mean, we decided that the Empire wasn’t made of crystal meth, right?”
There was a moment of silence while the four from Earth looked uncomfortable.
I facehoofed.  “Oh dear lord, that’s why the Black Twins were in on this.  Think how much profit whole buildings made of drugs would bring.”
“I swear we didn’t mean to,” said a panicked Types.  “It started out as a joke, but once the universe grew too powerful, it was too late to take it back.”
“But how would they transport this ‘meth’ to Earth to sell it?” asked Twilight.
“The Alicorn Amulet,” commented Trixie.  “Not only would it turn Post into that raging maniac we just left back at the Empire, but it would provide enough power if he and the Twins knew how to use it.”
“What happened to that thing after we got you calmed down from using it?” I asked her.
There was another long silence.
I shook my head.  “I think it’s pretty clear that this world either has, or is in the process of going, to shit.  The only solution I can think of is to burn it down.”
Wildfire seemed to agree with me.  The others seemed reluctant.
“We’ve done so much,” lamented Panzer.
“It would be a shame to just throw it away,” agreed Sparklicious.
“And think about how difficult it would be to set up new lives elsewhere for all those that are worthy,” added Types, gesturing at Trixie.  She was the only Equestrian native still standing there.  Twilight and friends had left, planning to do something on their own.
“But it’s possible?” I asked.
Types sighed.  “Yes, we could wipe this world clean.  It wouldn’t be pleasant, even if we saved all who we could, but it would be a final solution.”
Just then, a lanky blue pegasus dropped in.  “I finally found the can, Valiant!”
“Hello Guinness.  Were you aware that the world is ending?” I asked.
He frowned.  “No.”
The four Mod mares had a quick whispered discussion.  They emerged from the huddle.  “Just how did you get here?”
Guinness scratched his head.  “Some sort of mixup with an empty can of Red Bull and weird interdimensional problems.”
“No matter, we can exfiltrate you too,” said Wildfire.
“Wait, what are you all talking about?” asked Guinness.
I broke in.  “Due to things I’m not going to bother explaining again, this universe is an artificial virtual reality-type place that got too real for its creators.  Things are unsalvageable, so we’re going to figuratively take off and nuke it from orbit.  It’s the only way to be sure.”
Guinness coughed uncomfortably.  “About that.  I, um…got Rainbow Dash pregnant.”

I woke up several hours later, back in the hospital.  Trixie informed me that I had facehoofed hard enough to give myself a concussion.
Wildfire informed me that she thought it was entertaining and impressive that I had the ability and fortitude to do so.
Panzer informed me that the six mares were about to try a new spell that might give them an edge in dealing with Post.
Guinness informed me that I was invited to the baby shower.  I informed him just what I thought about that.  It was loud and unpleasant.
“It’s not fair!” he shouted.  “You have a kid!”
“And I didn’t have to screw a mare to get one!” I shot back.
“Do you love Trixie?” he asked.  “In a family-type way?”
“I—” Trixie was standing right there and I tried desperately to think of a way to say what I was thinking without saying exactly what I was thinking.
Luckily, Guinness went on.  “I don’t care that Rainbow is a pony.  Even if I were you and that was the thing that horrified me most, I would still stay with her because I have a responsibility to the unborn foal.  You don’t believe in spousal relations with ponies, but I know you care for children.”
“Dad, can I talk to you?” Trixie broke in, her voice low.  I glared at Guinness and climbed out of the hospital bed, my concussed head hurting a little.  Trixie and I went down the hallway.
“Throwing away Equestria—this isn’t like you at all,” said Trixie.  “Normally overwhelming force is your style, but in a stubborn hang-on-to-what-you-have kind of way.”
I sighed.  “Trix, right now I’m more confused than I’ve ever been in my life.  Four people from Earth—three of them my exes—showed up, a pony I thought I killed on two separate occasions and in two separate bodies is still alive and incredibly powerful, and I just woke up from a self-inflicted K.O.  I don’t know how things could get more convoluted.”
Just then, a wave of magical energy swept through the building.  It was rather tingly and strangely made my head feel better.  I looked around.  “That was weird.”
Trixie gasped.  “We switched cutie marks!”
Not that I’ve ever been a big fan, but I’d grown to at least tolerate the mark on my ass.  Suddenly having a new one was unexpected and rather upsetting.  Judging by the startled remarks from all around the hospital, it apparently had happened on a wide scale.
Guinness burst out of the room.  “What just happened?”
I looked at his mark.  It appeared roughly the same.  Then I saw Lyra walk by.  The Guinness Beer harp logo adorned her hip, while the blue pegasus had a lyre.  Eh, what was a stringed instrument one way or the other?
I left the hospital with Guinness and Trixie.  I saw five mares go by and did a double-take.  Rarity’s cutie mark had been replaced with Rainbow’s.  Pinkie had taken on Applejack’s.  Rainbow’s had been replaced by Fluttershy’s.  Fluttershy had gotten Pinkie’s.  Applejack had Rarity’s.
“This…this is just wrong,” I said, shaking my head.
“I have to go after Dashie,” exclaimed Guinness.  “I have to know they are all right.”
“They?”
He glared at me.  “Her and our unborn child.”
Trixie tugged at my shoulder before I could escalate the shouting match.  “Come on.  We should find your exes.  Maybe they know what’s going on.”
We did find them at the library, where they were freaking out along with Twilight.  “I’m so sorry!  I didn’t know the spell would swap everypony’s cutie marks!”
“What happened?” asked Trixie.
“A package was waiting when I got back to the library,” explained Twilight.  “It had Starswirl the Bearded’s journal in it.  When I read the spell on the last page, it did the swap.”
“Powerful magic,” I noted. 
Trixie picked up the journal.  “This is the book Princess Luna let me read.  I didn’t quite get to the last page, but I remember it.”
I scanned the last page.  “Yeah, there’s no counter-spell here, Twilight.  You’re going to have to come up with something, or heaven forbid, go ask the Princesses for help.”
“When did you get so knowledgeable about magic?” she asked.
Trixie gasped.  “It must be the cutie marks.”
I rolled my eyes.  “Great.  I’m now supposed to be good at magic, but I’m a goddamn earth pony.  Well, screw that.  I refuse to believe that a cutie mark controls your destiny.”
“Furthermore, I don’t understand why it didn’t just swap cutie marks among the Elements of Harmony,” said Twilight.  “I mean, maybe the extra stress of having your old mailpony turn into a supervillian made me put a touch too much magic into the spell.”
“Probably,” I nodded in understanding.  I suddenly shook my head.  No.  I would not be good at magic if I could help myself.
“What do we do now?” asked Trixie.  “This has only created more craziness in Equestria, what with all the ponies running around with different cutie marks.”
“Valiant, I hate to change my mind to agree with you, but short of incredibly powerful and impossibly complex magic, there’s nothing that can save Equestria now,” said Panzer.
“She’s right,” added Types.  “I don’t think we can save this world any more.”
“I knew this was going to happen,” murmured Sparklicious sadly.
“No,” I said.
They all looked at me in surprise.
“We don’t need magic,” I said.  I was going to prove the new cutie mark wrong, or, well…destroy all of Equestria trying.
“What are you saying?” asked Twilight.
“Do you all remember how the wedding went down?” I asked.
Types nodded.  “The Changelings were characters I created, too.  Not to mention the crystal ponies.”
“You didn’t need the Element of Harmony for that battle,” I said.  “It was just kicking ass.  I’m sure that if you actually planned to do instead of being taken by surprise, it would be even more effective.”
“I like it,” said Wildfire.  My three exes reluctantly agreed.
“I can’t believe I’m getting recruited to fight a battle in a fantasy world of magical ponies,” muttered Panzer.
“Think how I feel,” I told her.  “I’m the General in charge.”
“I thought you were the Admiral?” said Twilight.  “That’s how you promoted yourself when we were on that boat trip.”
I waved a hoof.  “This is different.  So are we going to do this or not?”
We went to collect the rest of the Elements of Harmony.  They were all freaking out about not being able to do the things their marks represented.  I told them to chill.  This wasn’t about special talent, after all.  It was just about kicking ass.
I noticed Guinness wasn’t clinging to Rainbow and asked her about it.  Not expecting his mare to be in danger, he had apparently gone window shopping for maternity items.
There was a struggle to open a portal back to the Crystal Empire.  Between the juggled cutie marks, it took a moment to figure out who had the power to do it.  Sparklicious eventually managed the feat, and a large tear appeared in the fabric of spacetime.
They all charged in enthusiastically.  There was actually a little pileup at the door to get them all through.  Trixie and I ended up last in line.  We stopped short as it became clear that they’d all walked straight into a trap Post had laid.
He spotted me and walked towards the portal with an evil smile.  The Alicorn Amulet was around his neck.  Before he could launch into a villain monologue, Sparklicious lit up her horn and closed the portal.  I stood there for a second, slightly surprised.  It was certainly nice that Post wouldn’t be able to easily get to Ponyville through the tear in the universe, but somewhat jarring that he had so easily captured our entire fighting force.
“Well shit,” said Trixie.
That pretty much summed things up.  I nodded in agreement.  “Time for Plan B.”
“Gunship rescue?” asked Trixie.
“Yep.”
“That reminds me,” she said as we began to walk towards Monstrosity.  “I got bored being out on the road away from everyone so I duplicated the M60 for fun.”
“So now we have two machine guns,” I mused.  “But one of us has to fly.”
Then my eye fell on Guinness, who was over at Quills and Sofas, browsing their wares.  I walked over to him.  “So we decided to save Equestria after all.”
He looked at me.  “What made you see the light?”
“It certainly wasn’t your broodmare.”
Guinness gave me a look of pure disgust and turned to walk away.  I swallowed hard, unused to asking for help.  “Please.  I need a door gunner.”
Guinness’ head whipped around.  “What did you say?”
“This is going to be a gunship rescue, and I can't do it alone.”
He stood there contemplating.  I could practically hear Ride of the Valkyries playing in his head. Actually, I think the pegasus was humming it.  
Slowly, he nodded.  “Knowing you, we’re both going to be in insane amounts of danger, and I might die a painful death in a fiery explosion but, well...it’s a freaking gunship rescue.  How can I say no?”
I grinned.  Action movies had saved the day again.
I grabbed all the weaponry I had lying around—the Panzerfaust rocket, my Desert Eagle, various blades—and we mounted up.  Trixie gave Guinness a crash course on basic machinegun operation while I steered the aircraft towards Canterlot.  Not only was it pretty much on the way to the Crystal Empire, but a particular purple unicorn had forgotten to send a letter informing the most powerful ponies in Equestria that something bad was happening.  You know, the usual.
“I suppose it’s lucky that you only swapped cutie marks with each other,” I said.  “That still means both of you are capable of doing your jobs, right?”
“Correct,” said Luna.  “Now, why did you land in the center of the main hall?  We have doors, you know.”
“The way you put up new stained glass windows, I’m sure you’ve got somebody around who has that for a special talent.”  I frowned.  “Okay, maybe since the cutie mark incident you don’t anymore.  I guess if you ever want the windows in this place to look nice again, you should help me solve the problems with Post.”
“Oh, all right,” agreed Celestia.  “I suppose it would be terribly bad PR if we just let the Crystal Empire fall to pieces.”
“I’ll have to talk to you about that later,” I said.  “It’s kind of a narcotics issue.  But ass kicking first, drug busts later.”
The two Princesses boarded Monstrosity and I took us out through the broken window we had entered from.  Heading north, I focused on flying through the winter gale to get to the Empire.  It looked like the weather shield was still in place, so perhaps the locals were still providing enough love and tolerance to operate it.
Speaking of the locals, it looked like a portion of them had been turned into some sort of mindless slaves or zombies or something.  I didn’t know how that worked, but having previously witnessed the effects of the Alicorn Amulet, I wasn’t too surprised.  And sparkly zombies—how often do you see that?
I also wasn’t convinced that these ponies were as real as the others.  If the Crystal Empire hadn’t had much to do with the rest of Equestria then the characters of the crystal ponies weren’t as highly developed.  I hoped that made sense.  Anyway, I ordered weapons free.
We descended into the city, 7.62 rounds and magic flying.  The Princesses didn’t seem to have a problem blasting the crystal ponies who were clearly not of their right mind.  I suppose it’s not every day you get a good excuse for target practice on your loyal citizens.  Now I know how the President feels about ordering drone strikes on home-grown terrorists.
I heard Guinness advising a few of his targets to Get Some.  Sounded like a fine idea to me.  I flared the aircraft and put it down in the castle courtyard.  Leaving the engines running, I hopped out.  “Wait here.  I’ll be right back.”
“I want to come with you,” said Trixie, dismounting her gun from the mount near the side door.
I looked at Guinness.  “Don’t tell me you want to go because Rainbow is in there.”
“She WHAT?” he screamed in surprise.  I had neglected to tell him exactly who we were gunship rescuing.  He tried to yank his machinegun from where it was mounted, but pegasus hooves aren’t great for carrying around weapons like that.  We can’t all be Rambo.  Regardless, Guinness was committed to going along.
I looked at the Princesses.  “Can I leave you here?  You aren’t going to screw with my ride, are you?”
“We’ll be good,” said Celestia.
“Most definitely,” added Luna.
A royal decree was about as good as I was going to get, I suppose.  I led Trixie and Guinness towards the castle.  I figured that Post had probably taken up residence there.
We walked inside, finding ten hostages in various states of restraint.  They were bound with envelopes and letters.  I rolled my eyes.  Figures that a mailpony would be a paper user.  I didn’t see Post around and nodded to Trixie.  She got the hint and we began a silent sweep of the building.  That was rendered useless by Guinness freaking out and loudly trying to save Rainbow.
Fortunately, paper is kind of a shitty hostage-taking material and it didn’t need much effort to rip apart and free her or any of the rest of the ponies.
“What other ex would mount an armed rescue to save you from a magically corrupted pony?” I asked.
“Are you trying to get back together?” questioned Sparklicious.
“Hell no.  You had your chance.”
“I think it would be wise to get away and then come up with a better plan for dealing with Post,” said Panzer.
I considered that.  “Yeah, I really don’t trust the Princesses sitting alone in my flying machine.”
We left the castle.  Shining Armor and Cadance came running up.  “Some job you did of protecting your tiny, city-size Empire,” I said.
Shining gave me a look.  “Come on, were you honestly expecting to have to defend against an evil mail carrier?”
I shrugged.  He had a point.
Trixie, Guinness, and I, plus twelve, boarded the aircraft.  I was happy to see that it hadn’t been screwed up in the time that we’d left the Princesses alone.  It was a little tight to fit so many passengers but we managed.  Wildfire dropped into the copilots’s seat, looking around the cockpit with facination.  She may have been more accustomed to cars but was clearly impressed by the hardware.  Bitches love hardware.
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” said Wildfire.  “What’s your cutie mark?”
“A Plymouth Valiant hood ornament,” I said.
She smiled.  “Nice.”
I had just increased power to get the wheels off the ground when Post Haste, the alicorn version, burst from a window in the castle.  I yanked the control stick hard and swooped away before he could catch up.
“Could we kindly head for Ponyville?” asked Celestia.  “It’s already taken a beating, and I’m sure that when Post finally catches up there’s going to be a big fight.”
I nodded.  That made sense.  I altered course.  Post followed.  He may not initially have been fast with his new wings, but he was learning.  He fired a clumsy bolt of magic that missed.
“Can you keep this thing straight and level?” I asked Wildfire.  She nodded and took the controls.  I got up and pushed my way through the crowd to the tailgate.  Unslinging the rocket launcher, I took careful aim.
The replica German antitank weapon had served me well.  It certainly had done a number on Queen Chrysalis.  I fired.  The warhead streaked away but missed.  Hey, air-to-air with unguided weapons is hard.
I slapped a reload in and aimed again.  Post had lost some ground when forced to take evasive maneuvers and was a more distant target now.
“I could use a little help!” I called.  Celestia and Luna stepped up beside me and bracketed Post with bolts of magic to make it harder for him to evade a second time.  My next shot knocked him out of the sky.
I stared morosely as his body fell to the ground.  While the weapon had gotten him off our tail, he was still in one piece and that could mean he was merely stunned.  I sighed.  Our best plan was probably continue on to Ponyville and make a plan.
I took the controls back from Wildfire for the landing and put us down near the library.  The ponies held prisoner looked a little disheveled but otherwise fine.  A bit of Panzer’s cloak had torn and I saw that she had wings.  I suppose that explained why she was taller than the rest, but it certainly wasn’t inconspicuous like the image the Mods were trying to project.  At least the cloak’s concealment had worked for a while.
“I think step one is getting the cutie marks switched back,” said Twilight as we walked into the library.  “That should put everything relatively back to normal so we can focus on defeating Post.”
“No argument from me,” I said.
Working together, the several magically-inclined ponies managed to hastily put together a spell that should work.
“All right everypony, stand back,” said Twilight.  She and the Elements of Harmony donned their jewelry, attempting to use their power to fuel the spell and gain enough energy to restore all the cutie marks in the land.
The magic built up, a fact I tried to ignore so I could forget my current cutie mark.  Out of the corner of my mouth, I whispered to Celestia, “Is this going to work?”
“It should,” she said.  “While that’s a very old spell by Starswirl the Bearded, I believe that all of us collaborating on a solution rendered what we needed.”
The six mares reached critical magic levels and there was a white flash in the center of the room.  When the brightness had gone, we were all left blinking away an afterimage.  Oh, and Twilight had wings.
“You look just like a Princess,” remarked Fluttershy.  I glanced at Celestia, who wore an unhappy look.  Both that the spell had side effects and that there was a new challenger to the throne, I figured.  She quickly buried that look and walked forward.  “Twilight, you have finally fulfilled your destiny.”
I narrowed my eyes.  What?  Celestia was known for quick thinking, but I couldn’t see where she was going with this.
A sudden thought struck me.  While I was having my little psychotic episode and fighting the Black Twins in Ponyville, I had vowed to kill the next new alicorn that I saw.  But was that Panzer, who had recently arrived in Equestria, or Twilight, who had just been created?
Or perhaps it was the abomination that landed outside.  Post was a little singed, but otherwise unharmed from getting shot with an antitank weapon.
I looked around.  Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Panzer, Twilight, and Post.  Six goddamn alicorns.  This was the stupidest thing I had ever seen, and now I was really confused about who exactly I had vowed to kill.
But maybe this could work to my advantage.  If they fought to the death, then I wouldn’t have to pick.  With that in mind, I alerted the rest to what I was seeing outside the window.
Celestia had been lecturing Twilight about Princess duties, and I think the former unicorn was somewhat overwhelmed.  “I just want to study and hang out with my friends!”
“And we’re all kind of bummed out that Twilight is now a goddess and we’re just regular ponies,” said Pinkie.
A twinkle came to Celestia’s eye.  “No!” I shouted.  “Don’t you goddamned dare make five more alicorns!”  I menaced her with my handgun.
“Uh…” broke in Guinness.  “But shouldn’t we be doing something about Post?”
“An excellent point.”  I kicked open the library door, getting somewhat tangled in the screen door beyond it.  It had been a decent idea to install for summer breezes, but took something out of my dramatic exits.  “Charge!”
Post was waiting for me and even allowed me a moment to get untangled from the screen.  I think he was still getting used to the evil role and hand’t yet progressed past the gloating stage.
Speaking of lessons in advanced evil, I spotted the Black Twins observing nearby.  They both looked a little astonished.  Apparently the two of them hadn’t realized exactly what their boss was up to.  I reluctantly admitted that Post was probably the bigger threat and I would have to deal with them later.
My allies in this battle burst out of the library, preparing for the fight.  Pinkie was clutching a battleaxe.  My eyes popped open in surprise.  “Where the hell did you get—er, nevermind.  Knowing would take the fun out of it.”
“This is a pretty simple problem to solve,” said Twilight.  “Magic was my special talent before, but now this is almost too easy.”  She pointed her horn at Post.  “Okay, he’s powerless now.”
That was just like magic, taking all the fun out of things.  I hoofed the mail delivery alicorn in the face.  He took the punch like the earth pony he used to be.  “Why did you do this?  I liked you!  I trusted you!”
Post picked himself up.  A look of regret mixed with frustration was on his face.  “I believed what you said about the American Dream.  I wanted to be something more.  When you told me that I had the right to grow up and be anything I wanted, I decided that I would shoot for royalty.”
My mouth dropped open.  I couldn’t hate him for that.  Post went on.  “As for selling your designs, that’s just capitalism.  Plus, you hadn’t filed any patents to make it illegal.”
This almost sounded like it was my fault.  “But…why?  I might be an asshole, but I never screwed you or anyone else this badly.”
“The turning point was at the wedding,” he said.  “I saw the Changelings trying to take over, and took lessons from them about what not to do.  Then, when the Crystal Empire was publicly revealed to all of Equestria, I decided that I would become King.  No point in taking charge if nopony has ever heard of the place.”
I looked at Types.  She shifted uncomfortably.  Not only had she created Post, but also Changelings and the crystal ponies.
“Look,” said Post, “it’s pretty clear that things aren’t going to go back to the way they were.  Not to mention that I’m a figment of someone’s imagination.  You might as well just kill me and get it over with.”
I sighed.  This suddenly wasn’t fun anymore.  Types stepped up beside me.  I could see sorrow and regret in her eyes.  “We can reform—”
I cut her off.  “He’s old enough to make his own decisions, and right now the creation of yours that took on a mind of his own is asking to die with any residual scraps of pride still intact.  He failed in the evil he set out to accomplish, but he was motivated to do his best, a quality you gave him.”
She nodded sorrowfully.  “Here,” said Pinkie, “you can borrow my axe.”
And so Ponyville hosted the first public execution in Equestria’s history.  It was not pleasant, but at least Types managed to get it done in one chop.
“He truly had become a real pony,” said Sir Win, just arriving.  “Soul and all.”
Types covered her face.  “That makes me feel worse.”
“But you saved Equestria,” said Panzer, comforting her.
“Er, not quite,” murmured Sparklicious quietly, glancing over at the other purple unicorn, the one with wings.
“Sorry I’m late!” called a goateed stallion, running up to us just then.  He looked around.  “Wow, this place is even more out of control than I thought.  At least we’ve gotten rid of Post.”
“Who’s this?” I asked.
“Another member of the development team,” said Types.  “Alicorn Twilight is his creation.”
“You did what?” shouted Twilight.  She jerked my pistol out of its holster and blew out his brains.
“Oh my God, two creations rebelling in one day,” I exclaimed.
“More souls for me,” said Sir Win, shrugging.
As blood from the stallion’s mangled head began to pool on the ground, Twilight’s wings disappeared.  I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.
I glanced up, spotting the Black Twins making a hasty exit from town.  I galloped after them.  Regardless of whether they were still being paid to mess with me, I had unfinished business.
I think they realized that I would pursue them to the ends of the world if I had to.  Also, maybe their ride back to Earth had died with Post.  I caught up with them outside of town, on the grounds of the Ponyville Industrial Nuclear Powerplant.
PINP still sat unfinished.  What with everything that had been going on, I hadn’t managed to get all the fissile materials in place to begin operations.
Twilight had given me the gun back, and I fired a couple of shots.  The two unicorns took shelter inside the building.  While I wouldn’t put it past them to know the interior layout as well as I did, this contained them in a smaller area.
I burst through the door, pointing the gun around.  I saw a flash of movement and fired at it.  The three of us slowly worked through the entire building, and I burned through a couple of magazines of ammo.
“We want to make a deal!” shouted Woody from somewhere.
“This world being basically virtual reality, nothing we did was really wrong,” added Beauty.
“I agree,” I said.  “Heck, I used to think the same when I thought I was dreaming this place.  However, I hate you.  This isn’t about Equestria.  It’s personal.”
I heard hooves sprint for the door.  If they got outside, it would be difficult to track them down again.  Furthermore, the two had cheated death so many times that it had ceased to be funny long ago, if it ever was at all.  My eye fell on the self-destruct button.  I had put those explosives in the walls of the building for a reason.
I smacked it as hard as I could.  There was a faint electrical charge in the air, with tons and tons of explosives all receiving the detonation signal at once.  Then the powerplant vanished in an enormous fireball.
I found myself floating in a featureless white space.  Oh yeah, I had detonated the building with me inside it.  I glanced to the side, seeing the Black Twins were here too.  That at least made me happy.
“Hey there Valiant,” said Sir Win.
“Oh.  Hey.”  Somehow the sight of him confirmed what I had been suspecting.  Shit.  I’m dead.
He winked at me.  “Remember when I promised you your soul for your birthday?  Now run along.”
I felt myself slipping away, back towards the living world.  Sir Win turned to the Black Twins.  “Now as for you two…”
I opened my eyes.  The Elements of Harmony, the Mods, the three Princesses, Shining Armor, Guinness, and Trixie were all standing in a circle around me.
“I don’t know what you just did, but there’s a giant crater where the powerplant used to be,” observed Trixie.
“Let’s put it this way,” I said, sitting up.  “The Black Twins are no longer a problem, but Equestria will have to go a while longer without clean nuclear energy.”
I felt pretty good, considering that I was dead just a moment ago.  I would have to thank Sir Win for putting me back in a pristine-condition body.  I got up.
“I have to admit, you did just solve a lot of the problems that Equestria had,” said Types.  “The destruction will have to be cleaned up, but it goes a long way towards getting things back to normal.”
“You’re welcome.”
“About that,” said Panzer.  “You can’t stay here.  It was your influence in the first place that kicked off this series of events.”
“And you have too poor of impulse control to resist doing it again,” added Sparklicious.
I glanced between them all.  I turned my eyes to town, where the tall Saturn V stood.  “Can I…go to the moon first?”
Before they could ask, I went on.  “I clearly couldn’t do that on Earth.  I’m just some guy, not anyone NASA would be interested in.  Here, I can truly do awesome stuff that I dream about.  Plus, you kind of owe me.  I recued you after Post got the upper hand.”
“Well, going to space would get you out of Equestria for a while,” said Wildfire.
“Oh, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you,” I said.  I cleared my throat.  “I’m not very good at this, but would you be interested in a date?”
She fumbled for words.  “I…yes, I suppose so.”
Types, Panzer, and Sparklicious simultaneously facehoofed.
I leaned forward.  Wildfire’s eyes sparkled with interest.  My lips met hers for a few moments.
I pulled back.  “I think we should see other people.”  I hoof-pumped.  “Yes!  I always wanted to be the one to say that.”
I think Wildfire was crushed that I had broken up with her, but it made me feel better.  That was good.  I would need to be at the top of my game for the space launch.
I spent a while making checks to the rocket.  After putting on my space suit, I climbed into the capsule at the top.
“Radio check,” said Trixie’s voice.
“I hear you ground control.”  I flipped some switches to bring everything on line.
“Everything checks out,” she replied.  “You’re good to go.”
“Thanks.”
“Come back soon, Dad.  I lov—” her throat caught.
I shifted uncomfortably.  “Uh, yeah.  That word.  It’s okay, I understand.  Me too.”  What a crazy little family we were.
Trixie began the countdown.  I stared at the sky.  Moon here I come.
Rexy made a sound slightly less than a roar from behind me in the capsule.  I grinned.  What other kind of pet would I take to the moon?  A reanimated dinosaur skeleton didn’t need to breathe.  This was going to be awesome.
My eyes widened in sudden realization.  I was missing Pinkie and Fluttershy’s wedding.  In addition, there were so many loose ends that hadn’t been tied up with the whole destruction thing.
Oh well.  Space waited for no one.