//------------------------------// // The Punchline // Story: The God Squad // by defender2222 //------------------------------// "Please... please don't kill me!" Prince Blueblood whimpered, backing away from Angelo Bunnitori de Ponyville. The assassin merely flicked out his hidden blades, nose twitching as he approached the whimpering stallion. "Please... please I have a family... brothers and sisters and my sick grandma... kill them instead!" Angel merely glared at him before raising his weapon up, the light from the bathroom lamps gleaming along its surface. BOOM! "See, I told you I could break it!" Wall Breaker the 4th said with a smirk. "My name is Wall Breaker... why did you doubt me?" Logic Pont just stared. "Uh... because I thought your special talent was... er..." "HELP ME!" Blueblood screamed in fear. "You must help me, I am your ruler!" "Actually, that isn't true," Mary Sue, the black coat/red maned alicorn said. She trotted through the hole in the wall, followed by Derpy and, of all ponies, Plot Dump the Narrator. "What are you talking about, of course I am the king!" Blueblood gulped when Angel took a step towards him. "Unless the king is the one you are here to kill, then I am totally not him." "You aren't the king due to the line of succession," Mary stated. Logic Point frowned. "Wait... you don't mean that you are in charge... do you?" Mary Sue laughed. "Of course not. You think I would want the job? Plot Dump?" "It was then that the truth was revealed to the stupid, stupid Prince Blueblood." "That isn't very nice!" Blueblood whined. Plot Dump cleared his throat. "The Prince, who obviously bleached his mane, learned that Princess Celestia had declared that, should she ever leave, it would be her sister and then niece who would rule. If those two could not be found, then Celestia's great granddaughter would rule." "The Princess had children?!?" Logic Point exclaimed in shock. "How?" "Well, when a mare and a colt love each other very much," Wall Breaker began, only to be shushed. "That doesn't matter," Mary Sue said. "What does matter is that Celestia's great granddaughter is here to rule....Derpy?" The mailmare grinned. "Guards... remove Prince Blueblood's crown and give it to me." She smiled at they placed the crown on her head, admiring her reflection in the mirror. Every pony let out a sigh of relief, knowing that, at the very least, Derpy being in charge would mean an end to the insane rules. "I have fours proclamations: 1) Muffins are the best. 2) I will be known as The Dark Queen of Evil. 3) Death to all those that do not bow to me. 4) Muffins are yummy." "Say what?" Logic Point said in surprise, before Wall Breaker yanked him down. "I mean... all hail the Dark Queen of Evil!" The God Squad Episode 35: The Punchline “Kill the ponies big and small… kill the ponies big and small…” “Please stop singing that,” Celestia told Luna. The two of them were looking for some way up into the upper levels of the Changeling Hive so that they could rescue Shining Armor from the queen. However, luck was not on their side in the slightest, as they could not find any stairs at all. Nor could they find any elevators, escalators or masturbators (thank the Creator). “Come now, it is a very catchy song,” Luna proclaimed. “That may be but it is doing little to help Cadence’s mood… and her ability to not break down crying.” “Where is Cadence, anyway?” Luna asked, twisting around. She failed to see that Cadence was gripping her flank, eyes wide with fear. “Here and there,” Celestia stated calmly, using her magic to pry the trembling love goddess from Luna’s rump. “Cadence, sweetie, you must get a hold of yourself…” “They locked me up… they locked me up in those caves… there wasn't even a DSL line!” “Yes, and that was horrible,” Celestia said soothingly, stroking her niece/little sister’s mane. “But Cadence, we are immortals… we must behave with dignity and respect… you are kinda being a baby and it is embarrassing me.” “Ok… ok…” Cadence took a deep breath. “I-“ “Look at what I found!” Tydal said happily, dropping a bag from the Changeling Gift Shop at their hooves. “It is the ‘Attack on Canterlot’ Playset!” He began to pull out the toys. “There is a little Chrysalis, and a little you, Celestia… see, your eyes shut when you fall over… because you loss... like a bitch!” “Yes… I remember,” Celestia ground out. “And there is a little Shining armor ready to be raped… oh, and look Cadence, it is a little you who is a prisoner of war!” He held up the little toy Cadence before throwing it into a tiny plastic cell. “Help me, help me!” he said in a high pitch voice. And with that, Cadence was clinging to Celestia’s face, eyes wide in terror. “…did I ever tell you how I got these scars?” the pink alicorn asked quietly, her face twitching like she was getting electro shocked. “My father was… a drinker… and a fiend.” Tydal pursed his lips. “Well then… maybe we can play with them later.” He quickly scooped up his goodies and threw them in the bag. “I also lodged a complaint about them not having a figure of me. Maybe somepony can make one on Shapeway…” Tydal slowly turned and, if he were in, let’s say, a badly written fan fic, would have been looking right at the audience. “Hint hint.” “Could we please focus on saving Shining Armor?” Celestia said, tugging Cadence off of her. “That is easy,” Tydal pointed to the gift shop. “There is an elevator in the back. One of the cashiers told me about it.” The girls rushed forward, only for Celestia to spin around and whisper something in Tydal’s ear. The god of the sea nodded before rushing in the opposite direction. “What was that about?” Luna asked. “Scheming,” Celestia said with a dark smirk. ~MC~MC~MC~ "You know, this isn't what I fully expected," Shining stated, looking over the fancy tux that had been given to him. It was perfectly tailored and the brilliant cerulean vest really complimented his mane. The only thing ruining the whole ensemble were the ropes that held him tight to the highback chair he was restrained to. "And what were you expecting?" Chrysalis asked, popping the cork on a bottle of champagne. She wore a tight little red cocktail dress and a string of pearls around her neck. The queen licked her fangs as she poured each of them a glass of the bubbly. Shining wasn't for sure where exactly in the hive they were, he just knew that, for the oddest of reasons, it looked like a restaurant that would be home in Prance. The walls were a light red and the floor was of the highest quality hardwood. Above them were crystal chandeliers and the tables, draped with silk cloth, had a single long stem candle that gave the entire affair a romantic atmosphere. There were several other ponies eating and none of them were paying the slightest bit of attention to Shining. It would have been the type of place he would have taken Cadence... or, at least in the past, before she had suffered from PTSD that caused her to scream "ORGY!" in any public place. "I don't know..." Shining said, finally answering her question, "whips and chains and screams-" "What do I look like, your harlot of a wife?" Chrysalis complained. "I for one have culture and grace and I would never dream of behaving in such a matter. That mare reduces love and romance to something cheap and torrid. I believe love should be grand and elegant." She threw back her head and flashed him a dainty smile. "Just like myself. I so enjoy the finer things in life." "It is easy to enjoy them when you steal them," Shining countered. Chrysalis waved off his complaint. "I will admit I have resorted to some rather underhoof methods to obtain my wealth and prestige, but what ruler hasn't? Do you honestly believe that your precious princesses are any different? They were raised by the great warrior Tydal, Creator rest his soul." Before Shining could question her on that the changeling queen continued. "Were ponies hurt in my attempt to set up a new hive in Canterlot? Of course... just as ponies were hurt when Celestia conquered the Yellow-Bellied Ferrets of Prance. You only hate me because you lack the ability to see my side of the issue." Chrysalis raised their glasses with her magic. "But enough of such heavy talk... tonight is about us. What should we toast too? Our good health? Our love? My lovely hair?" "Your hair?" "Of course... so silky smooth and other than the holes in it, a full body and bounce." Chrysalis turned to stare at seemingly nothing. "All thanks to Suave!" "...what?" Chrysalis took a sip of her champagne before turning her attention to the wonderful salad that was laid out before her. "Now then, while we enjoy this fine meal we can talk about our lives together. I am thinking we need to double the staff of the hive... you'll need a proper valet, of course, and we could use another footman-" "Stop the raping at once!" Luna declared, bucking the door open. It was amazing she was able to do it, as she was closing her eyes at the time (fearing she would burst in on Chrysalis and Shining doing it). "Excuse me, madams," a snooty changeling matire 'de said, buzzing over to the three alicorns. "I am afraid you can not enter if you do not have an appointment." "Oh," Cadence said, snapping out of her near catatonic state. "Is it too late to book-" Luna's horn flared and the maître 'de was sent flying through the air. "Everypony out!" The patrons stalked out, muttering about 'low class goddesses not knowing how things were done in a cultural world'. "Not you two," Celestia said, stopping Chrysalis' escape. "Release Shining Armor at once." "I think not," the queen said, baring her fangs. "He and I are in love-" "She doesn't speak for me!" Shining pleaded. "We are going to be married on the 5th of May... I will be a Spring bride and have flowers woven in my hair-" "Seriously, she doesn't speak for me!" "And then we will return her and rule the changelings as husband and wife!" "The views expressed by her do not represent the views of this stallion!" Shining called out. Celestia merely narrowed her eyes. "I would suggest you do as I ask and release him." Chrysalis laughed. "You might frighten others, Princess, but not me. I defeated you once already and no deus ex machina/the power of love bullshit is going to save you this time." "In that case, I have a question," Celestia said, strangely calm. "Just one simple, important question. Once I am done asking it, I assure you that our business will be ended." The room seemed to grow darker with every word the solar princess said. "And that question is?" Chrysalis said hauntily. "If you are so smart... why build your hive on the shore of the sea?" A terrible roar filled the entire hive and Chrysalis turned, eyes so wide it was a wonder her eye sockets didn't shatter. Luna threw up a protective shield as the roof of the tower they were in was ripped away, revealing a waking nightmare. It was Tydal, but not as any had seen him. In fact, not since the very beginnings of time that he had appeared as he did then. He was gigantic, standing taller than the hive, his great form blocking out the sun. His body was a swirl of dark water that gushed out of the pores of the sea floor that now made up his skeleton. He had no true legs to speak of, for in their place was a wall of water, and from this there were long tentacles that ended with snapping versions of his head, made of pure water. His great head loomed towards them, black eyes staring from the depths of the water like some phantom pearls. His goatee was now a writhing mess of watery tentacles and his mane was a black thundercloud, lightning cracking as it formed a crown that encircled his horns. "What..." Shining murmured in horror and awe. "Captain Armor... I give you Lord Tydal's 40% form." The god of the sea let out a battle cry and Chrysalis fell to her knees, trembling as the mighty head loomed in close. Salt water rained down upon them as the snout came closer, his other heads batting away any changeling that dared to approach. And then the water seemed to rush back and Tydal reverted to his normal form, his feet clicking on the floor as he walked towards the whimpering changeling queen. "Did you truly think you could match my power... the god of the sea and the god of war? Turn around," Tydal said coldly. Chrysalis sniffed but did as she was told. The others held their breath, waiting for the violent attack to begin. "Bad Chryssy!" Tydal exclaimed... before spanking her flank. "Ooowww!" she whimpered. "You do not attack Celestia and Luna, you do not kidnap Cadence and you do not date Shining Armor!" Tydal said as he spanked her. "Bad Chryssy!" "Sorry! Sorry!" Chryaslis cried. She stepped away when Tydal stopped; sniffing as she turned wet eyes towards the capricorn. Tydal sighed. "There... I hoof punched you in the flank. I did as I said I would, so my honor is satisfied. Now come here and give me a hug." Chrysalis rushed into his embrace, crying like a foal as she nuzzled him. "I thought you were dead... I missed you so much, big brother!" "WHAT?!?!" Shining, Celestia, Luna and Cadence screamed. Tydal blinked, releasing Chrysalis but still keeping a foreleg wrapped around her shoulder. The changeling queen held him tight, like she was afraid he would disappear. "What's the matter with you four?" "What does she mean, big brother? You're not her brother... you're ours!" Luna screamed. Tydal pursed his lips. "Uh... I'm your brother and hers... your four are sisters." He pointed at Celestia. "It goes you, then Luna, then Chryssy, then Cadence... didn't you wonder why she was an alicorn?" “She’s not an alicorn!” Celestia shouted. “Wings, horn, horse body. Alicorn.” “But her wings are… buggy!” Luna exclaimed. “I am a subset,” Chrysalis stated simply. “Still an alicorn.” Tydal just stared at their shocked faces. "Are you sure I didn't tell you? I am pretty sure I told you that Chrysalis is our sister and I only went on this mission to find her, spank her for being naughty and then inform her I was alive again.” The others just stared. “Are you sure I didn’t-“ "YES!" The foursome screamed. "Oh... my bad," Tydal and Chryaslis trotted over to the table that Shining had been sitting at and grabbed the menus. "Let's have dinner... I feel like a steak! By the way, what is up with me not having an action figure in the gift shop?” “I’ll see about correcting that.” "... what the (censored)!?!" Luna screamed.