//------------------------------// // Hammering in a Lesson // Story: Collab Cage Mini-Monthly January -- "What the hay happened last night?" // by The Collab Cage //------------------------------// Written by: JJ GingerHooves Mornings. Usually a nice time of day. You get up and get ready to face the world! A brand new day, yeah! Not this morning though. Instead of feeling that usual grogginess you feel when you just wake up, I felt like...like...er...like crap, basically. My head felt like it’d been cracked open like a...sweet Celestia, I’m not good with my metaphors right now. No wait--that’s a simile, isn’t it? Eugh, what the hay happened? Okay, so I could easily establish that I had a hangover, which meant that I had been doing some heavy drinking the night before. I could tell it was morning now because even though the yellow curtains were drawn, I could still-- Those aren’t my curtains. Okay, maybe this was all just some prank. Yeah, that seemed likely: I got wasted on booze, passed out, and one of my friends--probably Lyra--switched my curtains. I groaned, rolling over on the white bed to face the other-- Lyra, you are many things, but you are not a furniture removal pony. Why wasn’t I in my own home?! I checked the bed again. Single so...no room for any others. I felt a tiny bit relieved at that, a little less violated. But still, who had put me here?! I kicked off the covers and rolled off the bed, regretting it when my head began to ache even more harshly. I felt exhausted already. I wanted to go back to sleep, in my own bed! I checked the room once more. Maybe I was in one of my friends’ houses. But nope, this room was far too bare. It just seemed like your average guest room. With a groan, I slowly got up and sluggishly went over to the window. I could check my general position in Ponyville from there...if I was still in Ponyville anyway. I brushed the curtains aside and found myself back on the floor mere seconds later, rubbing my stinging eyes. So I had a really bad hangover, was in somepony’s house that I didn’t know, and somehow I’d become a vampire during the course of last night. Great. I looked at my forehooves, covered in sweat. In fact, all of me was. To be honest, I always thought that vampires turned to dust when sunlight touched them, not melted like some...something that melts. Gah! My mind was such a mess I was thinking I was a vampire! I think I would rather be a vampire than hungover! I had to calm down and try my best to think effectively. It’s harder than it sounds when you’re hungover, believe me. But my brain saw enough sense to tell me to get the hay out of there faster than a filly with the trots. Oh wow. The first simile I could think of and it was that. This whole situation was made even more worrying by the fact that I wasn’t a heavy drinker at all. At best, I got tipsy and that was it. I’d never got hammered before because I thought that was stupid. If somepony had spiked my drink... I crawled to the door and reached for the door knob. To my relief, the door was unlocked. Although it felt like a consultation: ‘Hey, you’re in a stranger’s home, but at least you can explore!’ The hall was nice, so the owner obviously had some grasp of interior decorating. It was pretty small, with a red rug going down it. They were three doors, including the one that I had just went through. There were a couple of paintings, depicting scenic areas in Equestria. I tried to find a picture of the house’s owner, but they weren’t any pictures of ponies anywhere. Oh Celestia. I better be in a pony’s home. I steadily approached the stairs and did my best to scale down them in a dignified way. Instead, I kinda just dragged myself down while holding onto the wooden banister. I was pretty loud, so if anypony was home, they would’ve heard me. I stumbled over to the front door and desperately tried to turn the knob with a hoof. It turned,  but it reached a certain point where it got stuck. Locked. Damn it. Maybe I just wasn’t trying enough. I turned the door knob again, harder this time, and shoved the door with my body. Nope, it wouldn’t budge. “Come on! Open!” I pleaded, attempting furiously now. “Nononononononono...” The reality of it all sank in, and I slunk against the door, defeated. And then it opened. I collapsed backwards, staring up into the face of...somepony. I screamed, causing her to scream, causing me to scream, causing my head to ache... I crawled back into the house. “Who are you?!” The mare seemed to have regained her composure by this point. “I didn’t expect you to be up by now. Er, I’m Berry Punch.” I pointed a hoof accusingly at her. “You didn’t expect me to be awake?! What were you planning to do to me?! You sick mare!” I gestured at her saddlebags. “What’s in those, eh? Chloroform?!” Berry just looked at me, very confused. “The hay is chloroform? Anyway, I’m not here to...do that kinda stuff. I’m here to help you sober up.” I glared at her suspiciously, but she continued. “Lemme guess: splitting headache, tiredness, can’t really do much...basically feel like crap?” I rubbed my pounding head. “Uh...yeah.” “Thought so. I’ve been in your position a lot of times, so I’m an expert at this.” Berry walked to me, lending me a hoof. I took it, standing up. “Follow me,” she ordered, and I followed her to her living room. It was simple really: just a couch, a chair, a coffee table and a small bookshelf. She pointed at the red couch. “Sit down, and I’ll be back.” I nodded, slumping onto the couch. It was pretty comfortable, actually. Berry then returned with a plate and a glass. In the glass was orange juice and on the plate was a banana. “Eat those. They’ll help you feel better.” She looked at me, and probably wouldn’t go until I had done what she said. I focused on the banana and concentrated. My horn sparked with magical energy and my head retaliated, giving me a nasty migraine. “Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!” I yelped, leaning my head on the pillow. “Yeah, try not to use magic,” Berry advised, smirking. I ignored her, reaching over and manually peeling the banana. It’s kinda difficult with hooves and teeth. Berry sat down on the chair opposite me and what followed was probably the most awkward moments of my life. She was just staring at me while I ate. Who the hay does that? Creepy ponies, that’s who. I swallowed a mouthful of banana before speaking. “Feel free to explain anytime.” “You got wasted.” Berry fell silent again. Obviously it was my annoyed glare that caused her to snicker to herself and continue. “Okay, obviously it’s more than that. I found you wandering around Ponyville, really really drunk. Was kinda funny, but I wasn’t going to leave you out there by yourself, which is why you’re in my house.” “Uh-huh...” I gave her a skeptical look and took a sip of the orange juice. At least my head was getting clearer already. “Oh yeah, and happy new year.” What. I spat out the orange juice a bit too forcefully, as it spilled all over the table. “What?!” Berry just glanced at the mess I had made and shrugged. “At least it wasn’t sick.” She looked back at me. “And yeah, last night was New Year’s Eve.” Well, that did help explain things a bit better. I quickly slid off the couch and backed off to the door. “Look, I’m thankful for your kindness,” ‘Cause I guess she was, in all honesty, “but I really should get back home so everyone knows I’m alright.” “Oh. Yeah, I get that. See ya.” I don’t know why, but something in her tone of voice sounded...disappointed. “Yep...bye.” I put a hoof on the doorknob, but my eyes couldn't look away from Berry. She just looked so lonely. Outside was the way to home and my other friends. Here was a random mare who had the kindness to look after me. Damn it, I’m not in the mindset to make choices right now. Sighing, I drew back my hoof. “What’s up?” “Nothing.” She frowned slightly, waving me off. “Just go.” I took a step back into the room. “Well you took care of me, why can’t I do the same?” “I don’t need help, okay? I’m fine.” Even in my hungover state, I could tell she was lying. My place on the couch was still warm when I got back to it. “You’re lonely, aren’t you?” She fell silent, looking down at the floor. “That’s alright. I can stay here, if you want. We can be friends.” I don’t know why I was the one being forward now. She was lonely and took me back to her own home. Out of context, that does sound more than creepy. But...maybe it’s because I’m hungover but, I can’t explain why it felt right. Berry shrugged. “I’m not forcing you to.” “I’m not forcing myself to.” I grabbed the orange juice and took a sip, licking my lips afterwards. “Mhm, that’s good stuff.” “I never got your name, you know.” I blinked and could feel my cheeks getting warmer. “Oh! Silly me, heh. Sorry--hungover and all, haha. I’m Colgate Minuette.” The mare gave me the smallest of smiles, but it was genuine. “That’s a nice name. So...what do you do?” Her question was a bit...vague. “What, for a living?” Berry nodded once. “Yeah.” “I work with glass. To be specific, making hourglasses. I’ve always wanted to be a dentist though.” My family came from a line of clockmakers, so I was sort of the black sheep of the family. “Why would you want to be a dentist? Working with blowtorches sounds so much cooler.” I took another sip of my drink before answering. “Teeth just fascinate me. It’s one of those things you can’t explain, I guess. Anyway, what do you do?” Berry smirked at me, standing up and going over to the next room. “Come on, I’ll show you.” I got up and followed, coming into Berry’s kitchen. Like her living room, it was small. But this was tiled on the floors and had kitchen cabinets hugging the walls, as well as a table in the center. What Berry drew my attention to though, was a shelf full of wine bottles. “You’re a brewer?” “Yep. Only with wines though.” She jerked her head back. “I got more in the cellar.” There was already a considerable amount of bottles here, I shuddered to imagine how much she really had. “How much?” “Probably enough to get both the Princesses hammered.” It took me awhile to get that joke. Apparently, it was rumored that it took a lot of alcohol to get the Princesses even tipsy. Some said they couldn’t get drunk at all. So yeah, Berry had a lot. “Oh, that’s cool,” I replied, trying my best to sound invested. Alcohol's good for drinking, but I don’t see it as an art or anything. “Yeah. I got my own stand in Ponyville. It’s a living,” she stated simply. “Mhm...” I gazed around the room. I didn’t want to abandon Berry so soon, but there was this nagging feeling that told me to check on my friend’s. Just in case. “Listen,” I started, a serious edge to my voice, “I think I better check up on my friends, because I might have done something stupid while hammered. But you should probably come with me, in case I fall over or something.” Truth be told, I was feeling better now, but I figured Berry would want an opening. She seemed to lack many friends. “Sounds good to me!” The brewer led to me to the front door, grabbing the keys from the wooden cabinet in the hallway. She opened the door, I stepped through, and then she locked it behind us. “Right, follow me then.” Berry nodded at me, and I led the way, taking a whiff of the fresh air. It felt good, being outside again. “So,” I started, to keep the conversation flowing. “Must be pretty neat to have a cellar full of alcohol. I know plenty of ponies who would just die for that.” Berry blinked once, giving me a piercing glare. I smiled sheepishly. “Er, what?” “Are you saying I’m an alcoholic?” “No no no no no!” I quickly spluttered. “Not at all! I just meant--” “Look, I’m a brewer, but I’m pretty responsible over my alcohol intake. I drink to have a good time, but not to get drunk. There’s a difference.” Berry coughed, then looked at me apologetically. “Sorry. It’s just that I lot of ponies assume that I’m some drunk.” “Well I didn’t. I just thought it was pretty cool, that’s all.” I smiled, and she returned it. I got to admit, I was warming up to Berry. She seemed to have a lot going for herself, and that’s something to be respected. She helped me too, when I probably really needed it. Oh, I hope I didn’t do anything stupid last night... We then saw a friendly face (at least to me--did Berry know her?) trotting towards us. It was Bon Bon and she looked...okay, it wasn’t a friendly face, more like concerned. “Hey, Bon Bon,” I greeted, giving her a short wave. “What’s the matter?” “Hi, Colgate, hey, Berry.” She gave the brewer a curt nod, which was returned. I guess they knew each other from running stalls. “I think you ought to see Lyra,” she told me, thinly disguising it as an order. “Why? She got something to show me or...?” “Oh, she’s got something to show you alright. She’s at my house, so you better catch her now while you can.” Oh yeah, Bon Bon and Lyra were dating. They had been for a few years. Their relationship was one of the more firmly established ones in Ponyville, so I guess I just didn't think it needed to be mentioned. “Yeah...well, I’ll get to it then!” I said brightly, flashing Bon Bon a grin. She just gave me a bit of a scowl and went her way. The hay did I do? “Looks like someone’s in trouble.” Berry snickered to herself. “What? I don’t even--” I sighed, stopping myself before letting out a full blown rant in the middle of Ponyville. “Let’s just go.” I set the pace and the two of us headed for Bon Bon’s place. “So, how do you know Bon Bon?” “We run stalls, so we occasionally talk. It’s more like a business type relationship; we’re not really friends.” Berry shrugged. “She’s nice though.” “Yeah. She makes the best candies!” I did have a bit of a sweet tooth, especially when it came to Bon Bon’s sweets. Hey, if you brush your teeth really well, you can have as many treats as you want. I have a clean record with my teeth, anyway. It wasn’t long until we reached Bon Bon’s place. I stepped forward, knocking on the door. A couple of seconds later, and it opened. “Hey Lyr--oh my.” “Wow. That’s...something,” Berry added. Lyra stood there, looking quite annoyed. It was justified, seeing as she had a huge black eye. Her left, specifically. “Oh. Hi, Colgate,” Lyra said, words laced with venom. I grinned, trying to bring some friendly banter into this. “That’s some mark you got there...er...partied too hard?” “Me? No no...” She shook her head, laughing. Huh. Didn’t think that’d work reall-- “But you did and thought it’d be a good idea to buck me in the freaking eye!” the lyrist shouted. I leaned back from her. Lyra was normally a happy, carefree pony but if you annoyed her too much... “I did? Oh, well, yeah...I did get a bit hammered--” “Not as hammered as my bucking face!” Lyra retaliated. Berry just stood there, shifting between laughter and awkwardness. Sweat trickled down my face, as I tried to calm my friend down. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean--” “Don’t wanna hear it.” Lyra gave me a pair of evil eyes, then slammed the door in my face. “Oh...” I looked down at the ground, sighing. “I guess that’s that. I really messed up, didn’t I?” “Yeah, you did,” Berry replied bluntly. “But it’s nothing we can’t fix.” She took a place next to me and knocked on the door. There was a bit of a delay before Lyra opened it again. “Can’t you see I just want to be left alone?!” she protested. I couldn't blame her. I put a hoof on Berry’s shoulder. “Berry, don’t--” She shrugged me off. “Listen, Lyra--that’s your name right?” Lyra nodded, looking suspicious. “Colgate did something pretty stupid.” Thanks for rubbing it in, Berry. “But she didn’t really mean it. I hope.” She flashed me a mischievous grin. “Point is, she was hammered to the point where she wasn’t really in control of herself. You get that, right?” I’m sure Berry was trying to reason with Lyra, but she didn’t look enlightened at all. “Yeah, whatever. Now lemme get some rest, damn it!” Another door slam. Hopefully the final one. “Well,” Berry started, seemingly unperturbed, “I tried.” Strangely, I was smiling at her. “Yeah. But you didn’t have to, you know.” “That’s what friends do...right?” She returned the smile, although it was a little awkward. It was kind of cute, actually. “Right.” I guessed that Berry didn’t have many friends. I hadn’t even seen her before, or if I had, I barely noticed her. So I decided to go for broke. “Hugs?” She looked at me like I’d just turned into an alicorn. “What?” I grinned, relishing the fact that I was flustering her. It made a change from her snarky comments. “It’s what friends do, and if you want to be my friend, then you gotta do it.” “Uh...okay...” Very slowly and cautiously, she put her forelegs around me. I then squeezed the mare tightly, forcing a hacking cough from her. “Colgate...please--” The door swung open. “Will you two stop making out and get off Bons’ front yard?!” I released my hold over Berry and we stared at each other. She was blushing...I might have been too. Whatever we were feeling, we quickly ran away from the mad Lyra. I’d talk to her later. “So...what now?” I pondered, once we had reached a safe distance away from Bon Bon’s house. “Could go back to my place,” Berry suggested. I don’t think she wanted me to ditch her now and, honestly, I didn’t want to either. “Sure. You can show me your collection!” I flashed her my bright grin. I was famous for it, you know. Well, in Ponyville anyway. Berry scoffed. “Yeah, and you can drink some too.” I gave her the evil eyes, saying only one word. “No. My new year’s resolution is not to drink ever again.” My new friend gave me a sinister smirk. “Like that’ll ever happen.” Yeah. She’s probably right.