Collab Cage Mini-Monthly January -- "What the hay happened last night?"

by The Collab Cage


Reckless Abandon

Written by: midnighttowboy



The sweet songs of morning birds woke Berry Punch up from her slumber, the morning sun shining majestically through the blinds. She glanced at the alarm clock she kept on her side table, the bells rusted and broken from lack of use, and saw that it wasn’t even nine yet.

Being that this was the first time she had woken up before noon since high school that she could remember, she was more shocked than if she had woken up to Discord leading a chorus line upon her chest.
   
She shot up from her pillow, and shifted her gaze around the room. The floor was free of bottles and trash, her meager collection of clothes folded and put on a formerly empty shelf, her bookcase of booze now holding a number of novels and other reading material, and her carpet and walls shined and cleaned to a perfect sparkle. She could barely contain the scream that came from her mouth, before she charged out of the room. “COLGATE, COLGATE!”

She ran down the hall and slammed on her housemates’ door, the brass hinges barely keeping it from crashing to the ground. This barrage of sound was quickly replaced by fearful silence as her unicorn friend had thrown open her door with a flick of the horn. The red of Colgate’s eyes seemed almost burning as she glared at Berry. If looks could kill, Berry would be splattered across three counties, although her stare was tempered somewhat by the pointy hat on her head that said Happy New Year in big gold letters. The silence was punctuated by a single “WHAT.”, the stench of alcohol coming from Colgate almost as strong as her malice filled gaze.
           
        “Are you alright, Colli?”

The blue unicorn blinked once. Twice. Three times.

“Just peachy, Berry.”

As Berry pondered the dripping sarcasm and tried in vain to think up a clever retort, she saw movement from behind her housemate. A blanketed form came up to Colgate, and pushed her flank aside.  A white unicorn mare, with electric blue hair, made her way between the two other ponies, and gave a wink to Colgate.

“We sure made some beautiful music, didn’t we Colgate? Call me sometime, yeah?” With that, the mystery mare walked out of sight, the only proof of her exit being a slamming door. Berry could feel her mouth drop open, and she sputtered for a statement.

“Wha- bu- … what even…”

Colgate rolled her eyes. “I guess I was even drunker than I thought. As if this hangover wasn’t proof enough…” She held her hoof up to her forehead, rubbing it in some kind of appeasement to the alcohol spirits to leave her in peace. They did not seem pleased by this gesture, however, as she didn’t recover at all. She fell to her haunches, trying to reorient herself, and unwittingly sat on a pile of cans. The noise only intensified the cause of her woes, and she moaned in agony.

Berry could not believe her eyes, and rubbed them twice to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Colgate, DDS, the embodiment of responsibility and restraint, hung over like a college filly on spring break.

“Colgate, I have an important question to ask you, and I need you to answer truthfully.”

“Shoot.”

“Did we switch bodies last night?”

Colgate’s hoof moved fast as lightning, hitting Berry right on the nose. Berry yelped like a punished hound, and rubbed her wounded snout. “Sorry, it just seems like something is wrong.”

“I’ll say. My stupid friend is bothering me while I have a hangover, something I would have thought she’d have sympathy towards.”

“Seriously, Colli. My room is spotless. Did you know I have carpet in there, because I didn’t! And my bookshelf actually has books on it now. ACTUAL BOOKS. Like, with pages and everything!”

“What a shocker.”

Berry rolled her eyes, and snorted at Colgate. “You know what, if you don’t want to know what happened, fine, but I’m getting to the bottom of this.”

“Pffft. The only thing you can get to the bottom of is a bottle.”

Drunk Colgate had all the manners of a thrashing crocodile, without any of the charm, and Berry groaned in annoyance and left her hungover friend to deal with her own issues.  Colgate yelled something about where the door could hit Berry, and stomped her way back to bed. A mystery was ahoof, and Berry planned to get to the heart of it. She had to work fast, because… well, she was bored. And it’s not like she had anything else to do, since she didn’t have work for a couple of days, and Colgate was not exactly in a good mood.

“I’m on the case,” ahe said to nopony in particular. She left her house in a heartbeat, without bothering to freshen up or eat breakfast--unfortunately not an uncommon experience for her, although usually she’s spinning drunk at that point. Where is a lead, where is a lead… from the corner of her eye, she saw her first piece of the puzzle: the white unicorn who came out of Colgate’s room. Berry trotted like a bat out of Tartarus, barely avoiding knocking over the confused looking mare. “I’m glad I caught you while you were still on your ‘walk of shame’, Vinyl.”

“Baby, there is nothing shameful about what your friend and I did last night.” The unicorn smirked to herself. “Well, maybe a couple things.”

“Right…” Berry tried to imagine anything that wasn’t her friend and this mare together. “But I wanted to ask you a couple of questions, if that’s okay.”

“Shoot, babe.”

“Was Colgate or I acting weird last night?”

The DJ shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know Colgate that well to really know, and I didn’t see you at all last night.”
“Really?”

“Yeah,” She thought about it for a moment. “Although, Colgate was drinking a lot. I assumed that she was just getting into the New Year’s spirit, but when I went over to mingle, she was mumbling about someone ‘changing the dynamic’ and ‘not discussing it with her first’. I don’t really know what that was about.” She shook her mane about a bit, getting it out of her eyes. “So, I decided to give her a little ‘Vinyl charm’ and… well, I think you can fill in the rest.”

“Believe me, I can, even if I didn’t want to.”

This made Vinyl chuckle. “Well, if you want to know more about what was going on with your roommate, you might wanna go over to the bar she was at that night. The Prancing Pony. Now, I got to go meet up with Tavi. She’s gonna be pissed that I didn’t show up for her party, and I’m not sure even my silver tongue can get me out of this if I’m late.”
 
Berry nodded in thanks, and started her journey across town. The Prancing Pony wasn’t a big place by any stretch of the imagination, but it had heart, generally kind staff, and cheap alcohol, so it was all right in her book. It was on a side street, so it took a bit of a detour to get her there, but soon she was standing under the crooked wooden sign that welcomed all visitors. She slid open the old door and felt the welcoming feeling of warm food and friendly conversation wash over her. Over at the bar, the barkeep Butterburr--a surprisingly difficult name to pronounce when the influence of several glasses of whiskey are surging through you--dried off glasses and brought orders out of the kitchen. His eyes lit up when he saw Berry, in the same way a miner looks at gold, or a tiger looks at a wounded gazelle.

“Can I get you something, Berry, dear? I hear your brother has finished up that pale ale you were talking about last month.”

“Nah, I’m good Butters. I just have some questions.”

Butterburr deflated like a balloon, but put on a happy face anyway. “Okay, anything for my favorite customer.”

“Did you see Colgate here last night?”

“Yeah, she was here for a while. I asked her where you were, and she just rolled her eyes and snorted. She mentioned you got some important mail, but when I tried to pry she just told me to drop it.”

Berry rubbed her hooves together in concentration. “Why wouldn’t I remember that letter?”

“Years of partying will do that to you, Berry.”

She frowned. “That’s probably true, but my room is spotless now, I would have seen the letter lying somewhere in there, or on the table.” She began to hyperventilate, trying to remember in vain where she misplaced that letter.

The barkeep could see the worried look on her face, and put a hoof on her shoulder. “Look, don’t worry about it, dear. You could just ask ol’ Ditzy Doo about it. If it was important enough that it made Colgate turn to drink, it’ll be important enough for Ditzy to remember.” He smiled, a broken grin with missing teeth and overall crookedness, but there was a charm in it that made Berry feel much better. She gave her own goofy grin. “That-a-girl. Now, get out of here before you scare off my costumers.” He winked, and Berry laughed as she left the bar.

Berry, in a decidedly better mood, had now started trotting casually to the home of Ponyville’s greatest--and only--Mailmare. This was going to be a journey across town, but in a bit of luck, her odyssey ended much closer, as she found Ditzy outside her coltfriend’s watch shop/house, tapping her hoof patiently, despite the slightly annoyed look on her face. Berry approached her with trepidation, but as soon as Ditzy saw her coming her disposition immediately changed to her normal cheery self.

“Hey, Berry! How’s everything?”

“Good, Ditzy. And you?”

Ditzy glanced over at the window, where a brown earth pony was running past.  He quickly stuck his head out the window and said “Just a minute, love! If I don’t find that clock key, the mayor will cut off my cutie mark and mount it on her wall!”

Ditzy sighed and rolled her eyes , a motion hard to tell from their normal rotations. “Busy, but not bad. Time Turner is in the middle of some project for the mayor, and it’s been eating up his schedule. This is our date night, but just as we were about to leave he realized he lost the key to the clock he made for her waiting room.”

“Sorry to hear that, Ditzy.”

The mailmare just smiled at Berry. “It’s not a big deal, just a little annoying is all.” The moment she stopped talking, the gears in her head began turning at maximum capacity, and she leaped in the air in a moment of surprise. “I totally forgot to say this yesterday. Congrats on the letter, Berry!”

Berry cringed at the mention of the letter. “Actually, that’s why I’m here. I kind of… can’t find my letter, and I can’t remember what it was about.”

Ditzy gasped, and her crossed eyes soon focused straight on her. “You mean you can’t remember?! You were bragging about how much you were waiting on it for weeks, and how it meant your dream was finally coming true.”

“But what was it, Ditzy?”

The Pegasus looked exasperated, and took a deep breath. “It was a response from an adoption agency, Berry. You’re going to be a mother!”

With that, all the memories came flooding back.


A month ago, Berry sat in a pale white waiting room, her hindlegs shifting on the seat while her forelegs flipped through a three month old magazine. She had made the trip all the way up to Canterlot, hoping she could maybe convince the Home for Orphan Foals that she could be fit for a mother. The wait was unbearable, and she practically jumped through the roof when a mare came out and said “We’ll see you now, Ms. Punch.”

The actual office was no more exciting than the waiting room, although at least the waiting room had an aquarium. A fancy wooden desk sat in the center of the room, with comfy seats on both sides. One held a delicate looking unicorn, her blonde mane curled and brightened, and her strawberry coat shiny and clean. “Take a seat, please.” Berry nodded a bit too fast, and sat down, trying hard not to sigh in content from the wonderful seat holding her flank.

“Now, Ms. Punch, I hear you want to adopt one of our young fillies or colts. Is this correct?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You have some good things on your record. Graduated from Canterlot University, co-owner of Punch and Co. Spirits, and generally considered a nice and courteous mare.”

This was going better than Berry thought, she realized. The mare hadn’t even mentione-

“But, there is the matter of the criminal record.”

Crap.

“You’ve been found at least three times guilty of disturbing the peace, all related to alcohol. You’ve been found by neighbors in bushes, alleys, and ditches, and have a reputation of being a so-called ‘party mare’. What do you have to say about this?”

Berry was trembling, knowing this would come up but hoping that maybe she’d get lucky. Panic set in, and she couldn’t speak.

“Anything, Miss Punch?”

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

“Well, if this is the case, I’m afraid that you’ll have to-“

“Wait.”

The mare looked shocked, as if the desk itself began to talk.

“I… I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I have drunk myself into stupors, partied until I was ill, and done things with other ponies I regret. But I want to change that. I’ve been clean for a couple weeks, and I’m enrolled in a recovery group, who will notify you if I fall off the wagon. I’m focusing more on my business, with my brothers’ help. And I know that I will love any child with all my heart, and will give them the home they deserve.” Her lips began to tremble. “B-but, I understand if you feel I am not a suitable parent. A foal deserves a mother who isn’t t-thought of as the town drunk, or a ‘p-p-party mare’. I should just leave.” Berry began to lift herself up, but now it was the unicorns turn to shock someone.

“Sit back down, Ms. Punch. With some help, I think you can be a wonderful mother. Now, let;s look at some of our children...”

This, of course, led to the letter, which surprised Berry on the last day of the year. Ditzy could see Berry glowing in delight as she began to cry in joy, pulling down the mailmare for a hug. It wasn’t until she had gotten back home that she realized this may not be all sunshine and rainbows.

“What do you mean, a mother? Why didn’t you talk to me about this?!”
Colgate was practically boiling in anger, as she stared into Berry’s eyes. “I had tried, Colli, but you were always busy with your work, or with trying to get that clinic started up. I had left you all kinds of notes, and always wanted to bring it up in conversation, but you always got distracted.”

“Damn it, Berry, don’t try to make me the bad guy! We had just gotten settled into this situation, and now you’re screwing it up because your biological clock is ticking? This is just like you.” Colgate thrashed her hooves about, steaming, before she marched her way out of the house and, presumably, into the sweet ,sweet arms of beer and loose mares. Berry, stressed and sad and angry, sat around the rest of the night, eating more ice cream than she’d admit, and soon falling asleep right after midnight.


Berry felt like a fool for forgetting, but that was drowned out by one thing. “I’m… I’m gonna be a mother.” She leaped into the air, wrapping her hooves around Ditzy. “I’M GONNA BE A MOTHER!”

“Didn’t we do this before?”

Berry smiled embarrassedly. “Well, yeah. But remember how you felt when you first realized you were gonna have Dinky?”

Ditzy nodded. “Although I actually had to go through labor…” before Berry could think she was harboring any mean will, she grinned and stuck out her tongue. “Congrats again, Berry. You’ll make a wonderful mom, if this excitement is anything to go by.”

“Thanks, Ditzy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got to get back home. Good luck with Turner.”

The pegasus gave an odd look to the window of her stallion’s house. “I… should go check on him. He hasn’t screamed or freaked out in a while. Bye, Berry.”

It was almost sunset by the time Berry got home. She had silently entered the house, hoping not to enrage her drunken housemate, but the smell of baked goods made her abandon the plan, leaving it to drift in the waters of her mind as she raced to investigate the tantalizing scent.  A plate of cookies, freshly baked, laid upon the table. Standing by it was a sober and downtrodden looking Colgate, who wrapped her forelegs around Berry immediately. “I’m sorry for being so rude today, Berry. And for… last night. It was kind of a shock, you know.”

“I know. And I should have made more of an effort to tell you. You deserve to know when something like this is happening, and I know I can’t do this on my own.”

“Still best friends?”

“Always.” Berry returned Colgate’s embrace, and the two stood there for a bit, happy to be happy again.

“I am gonna miss your drunken shenanigans, though.” Colgate let go of Berry and sat at the table.

“Well, you can just fill that gap instead. I know Vinyl seemed pretty happy about last night.”

Colgate blushed. “Don’t remind me.”  She quickly grabbed a cookie, and thought of how to change the subject. “So, what is your kid’s name?”

“Her name is Ruby. She’s this wonderful little unicorn filly, around the same age as the most recent Apple; Applebloom, I think.”

“Yeah, I know her. She practically tried to bite my hoof off when I was trying to do an examination of her teeth.”  Both Colgate and Berry laughed at the idea.
“She would do that, wouldn’t she? Anyway, about Ruby….”

This conversation went well into the night, as the two mares began to think of a third member of their little family running underhoof. Before she knew it, Berry had become the unwitting pillow of a certain tired dentist. Not that she minded. So, she just laid there, staring through her window at the stars, a single thought passing through her head before she succumbed to slumber as well.


Happy New Year.