//------------------------------//
// A North and South Thing 
// Story: Collab Cage Mini-Monthly January -- "What the hay happened last night?" 
// by The Collab Cage 
//------------------------------//

Written by: Andy Jack



Spring light drifted through the crystal clear windows and birds chirped happily outside of the room playing in the warm morning. Other than the chirp of birds and the rustle of green trees in the distance, everything was quiet. Dust drifted gracefully through the room, circling, spinning and dancing in a soft ballet as the day started. Under the window was a fluffy pink bed with comfy duvets and blankets scattered across it.
 
Apple Fritter was drooling on all over her pillow. She snorted herself awake in a manly way and slowly dragged herself into a sitting position. “I hate mornings,” She scorned.  Apple Fritter’s emerald mane fell down her back without her hair band and her pale coat needed a good grooming. But, her bed had never felt so plump, soft and fluffy.
 
“Another year of crud”
 
Apple Fritter yawned and stretched herself off. Clearing the gunk from her eyes, she noticed something was wrong. Her room was a dirty, brown, barn that smelled of hay. This room was white; the smell of fresh flowers wafted in through the window; outside her room was an apple orchard; outside that room was a meadow.
 
She came to a simple conclusion.

“Ah’m in somepony else’s bedroom,” she gasped.
 
A soft breath came from beside her, but she didn’t want to look over. A rush of thoughts rolled through her head, criticising her. “What happened? What stupid stuff have I got myself into? How easy am I? What am I doing here? Should I make a bolt for the door?”
 
“Shiny, come back to bed...” A voice cooed. Apple Fritter froze.

Princess Cadance was lying next to her with her soft pink hair sprawled out around her and she hugged a pillow like it was her best friend.
 
She wanted to scream, she really did. Apple Fritter’s mind drew a blank when she tried to remember what had happened the night before. Nothing, she could remember absolutely nothing.

Biting down hard on her hoof, a bigger problem came to mind, she could get arrested for being there. Her husband was a royal guard and between the two of them they blew thousands of invading critters right off the side of a mountain when even Princess Celestia couldn’t!
 
Apple Fritter had only met the princess once and that was a complete honour.  She had thanked her for her part in the wedding and helping to cater it by creating the buffet and cake. But, it was all rushed and she knew why, she wasn’t stupid. Two newlyweds on their wedding night were bound to be in a rush to get somewhere private.
 
A hoof pulled Apple Fritter down onto the pillow she had drooled on during her sleep. She guessed the princess had awoken and pinned her to the bed for interrogation or torture or interrogation AND torture just to find out if she might be a changeling. Hell, she would too if she had been trapped in a cave for a week while a giant bug took her place at a wedding.
 
She whimpered at the thought.

She knew it was a weak defence, but she yelled into the pillow “I SWEAR I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GOT HERE!” The pillow muffled her voice but the hooves were still around her neck.
 
She managed to turn her head enough so that she could see the princess. She was still asleep... and hugging her around the neck like a pillow. “Oh...kay?”

Apple Fritter breathed a sigh of relief. She took a second to thank someone, anyone that she was still alive. After a second, she realised she still wasn’t exactly in the prime of places.

For a simple farm pony she was quite smart. She did all the money work at the farm in Appaloosa, she did the supplies and she was the brightest student from her school (or at least was when she went). She knew there was no way she could escape the Princess’s grip without waking her. But, that brought back the previous problem. She didn’t want to be tortured to death. That was number one on the list of thing’s she didn’t want to do.
 
Apple Fritter let out a little whine. She could just bolt for the door when the princess let go? In her head it was pretty easy what to choose. Run or die to death? But, then again if she tried to run she could just grab her with her magic or out manoeuvre her with her wings...
 
“Oh, screw it Ah’ll just run”
 
Apple Fritter gave herself a few seconds to prepare. Thirty seconds later she braced herself and jabbed the pink princess hard in the stomach with her hoof.
 
Cadance sighed in her sleep “No... Shiny it’s too early...” she moaned as she let go of Apple Fritter and rolled onto her other side. “I have a headache... I’m not in the mood... I feel too chubby.... Whatever will work this early...”
 
Apple Fritter on her part was free, a little greener than usual, but free.
 
No torturing to death for her!
 
She jumped softly onto the stained oak floor and landed with a soft clop. Apple Fritter looked around the room and listed things she saw. “Window, bed, door, table, dresser, weird cuckoo clock, another door, and a set of mannequins... creepy mannequin,” she whispered to herself as she stretched herself again. Freedom felt good. Two problems now though. A: Which door and B: How the BUCK did she get here?
 
 She gave it a quick thought and nothing about the day before stuck out in her mind. She woke up, went to the market with Candy Apple, got hit on by Meadow Song AGAIN, worked the northwest field of the southern farm with Braeburn and Apple Juice, went to a New Year’s party and most importantly went to bed in HER OWN BED. Something didn’t add up.  So unless something happened the night before that she didn’t remember she was just going to pin it all on magic and hope that it went away.
 
She brought herself back to the matter at hand... hoof. Which door? She resorted to the ancient and sacred choosing method of eenie meenie miney mo. She pointed to each door in turn and ended up finally on the left one.
 
“It’s as good as any Ah guess,” she thought to herself as she trotted quietly towards it.
 
She swung the door quietly open, stepped through clumsily and closed it again. She grinned to herself, she escaped!
 
She turned to go down the hall, but collided with the white wall and stumbled onto her haunches. “Dammit” she muttered. As she stood, she looked up, but instead of seeing the wall she saw Shining Armour. CAPTAIN Shining Armour. PRINCE Captain Shining Armour.
 
He glared down at her, being easily twice her size. “Who are you?” She was worried about the wrong spouse!
 
She had to think fast. Lying wasn’t an Apple family strong suit but if something smart didn’t come out of her mouth she would just have to leg it.
 
“Ah... Uh... Am the new maid?” She gave him a half hearted smile.

Shining Armour relaxed a bit and smiled “Oh, what happened to Feather Dust?” he asked nonchalantly.

“Errm, off ill?”

He crossed his front hooves and gave her a smug smile “Ah, yeah, that’s the winter months for you. Everypony has a cold!” He laughed knowingly.

“Yeah...” She laughed back nervously. “Sooo, ah should go... the Princess asked for a coffee.” She shimmied around him in the small hallway till they ended up in the opposite positions. “Have a good day, Sir... Uh, your majesty!”
 
“Oh and Miss!” He called as she trotted away. She froze in place like a cat. “Would you mind bringing up my sword from next to the front door? I misplaced it.” He asked too innocently.

She breathed a silent sigh of relief. “No...” She almost said before adding “Uh, no problem your highness!”
 
She bowed and walked backwards till she got to a corner. As soon as she turned she darted far, FAR away from the king of the Crystal Empire or whatever his title was nowadays. She ended up at the bottom of a large staircase that looked like it led to a front door.

Outside the hallway window she could see the birds frolicking in the soft spring light.  She had made it!

She was home free! But, it begged the question that kept bugging her “How did I get here?”

She knew she hadn’t drunk anything the night before, and she knew she hadn’t gotten anypony mad. At least, she hoped not. That would have sucked.
 
She pinned it on magic.

Magic was evil.
 
Before her was a large garden that was surrounded by huge hedges and had multi-coloured flowers lining the floors giving it a rainbow look.
 
She trotted out into the front gardens slightly happier, but still confused. Now all she had to do was look inconspicuous about being... wherever she was. After that, all she had to do was find a way home, get there and sleep in her bed forever.
 
As she trotted off through the spring flowers, she thanked her luck that “Feather Dust” was off with a winter cold...

She stopped and thought, “Wait...” She’d been had.
 
“You don’t have to look for my sword anymore Miss, I found it.”
 
“...Crud...” Apple Fritter gulped.
 
Shining Armour laughed behind her, probably at her pathetic looking attempts at infiltrating his house. “Now if you would kindly like to come with me, I’d like to ask a few questions,” He said in a more serious tone as he approached her from behind through the large garden “How did you get here?”
 
“Buck it! Run!” She yelled to herself as she darted out of the garden compound.

Unluckily for her, Shining Armour was a Unicorn. A purple aura engulfed her tail and dragged her back next to Shining Armour. She tried to dig her hooves into the ground, but she just left drag marks.
 
Yay, torture.
 
He levitated her up so that she was upside down, but face to face with him. Her emerald locks sprawled about above her face, falling towards the ground “I’ll ask again. Who are you and what are you doing here?”
 
She bit her lip “AH’M AN APPLE AND I DON’T KNOW!” she yelled.
 
“...What?”
 
“Ah mean Apple family!” Apple Fritter yelped.
 
“Apple Family?”
 
“Ah was at your wedding!”
 
“Oh?” He asked uncaringly.
 
“Ah made the cake and helped cater with Cousin Applejack!”
 
“Ok, let’s say I do believe you,” he said. “Why are you here?” He asked.
 
“Ah have no idea!”
 
He rolls his eyes and say, “Oh, likely story.”
 
“But Ah’m telling the truth!”
 
“And I’m the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”
 
 He began to rock back and forwards by her tail “Tell me what the Mahara desert is like!”
 
Shining Armour span Apple Fritter around by her tail, gaining momentum. “Wait! Wait! Wait!” She tried to call, but couldn’t. He did this for about thirty seconds until he let go.

Apple Fritter on her part was actually pretty calm about her. She only swore ten- twenty- thirty.... thousand times as she was span. Well, no one could blame her, that’d hurt, a lot.

“Bye!” He called after her.
 
Shining Armour put his hoof on his forehead just under his horn. With a smile, he watched the yellow and emerald pony soar far, far away. He laughed at the shrinking speck in the distance.
“Don’t forget to write!”

A pink blur darted out of the door behind him, sending everything blowing away in the back draft.
 
Apple Fritter couldn’t keep her eyes open as she flew. She was an earth pony. Emphasis on EARTH! She liked the ground, not the sky. She barely saw the green pass under her. Only one thought passed through her head.

She bucking hated Shining Armour.
 
But, just as she embraced her quick flight and an even quicker crash, something grabbed onto the scruff of her neck.
 
“I got you,” the pink Alicorn yelled through her fur, as she banked back.
 
“That’s it! Ah don’t even know anymore!” Apple Fritter called again above the wind.
 
Princess Cadance landed soft on the ground, placing Apple Fritter at the base of her hooves.
 
Shining Armour floated his sword back near the light yellow pony. “Honey, I hope you have a good reason for bringing this shape-shifting freak back into our home?”
 
Cadance stood over Apple Fritter protectively. “Put the sword away, Shiny.” She glared at him.
 
“But-!”
 
“Down, boy, down!”
 
He frowned, but then rolled his eyes “Fiiine...” He floated it back inside. “But, somepony has a lot of explaining to do,” he grumbled.
 
Cadance nodded. “Of course”
 
Apple Fritter sat up a bit and tried to form a valid defence, but her brain wasn’t exactly working at 110%. “Ah just woke up and things were different an--”

She was cut off by Cadance. “But, it’s not you”
 
“But, ah swear- wait, wah?...”  She just sighed and flumped down. “Ah, hay, I don’t care anymore!”

She wasn’t the only one confused. “What!?” Shining Armour yelled.
 
Cadance smiled knowingly down at her and moved her frizzled mane out of her face. “Don’t worry, this was just a cruel prank gone wrong.” She turned her attention to the large house.
 
 She closed her eyes and her horn lit up with pink magic. The weird cuckoo clock that was on the wall in the bedroom floated outside.
 
“This is our problem.” She held it between the two of them.
 
“Eh...?”

“Please, give it a second.” The three of them waited in silence for a few seconds. Shining Armour looked around, watching, waiting for something to happen. But in contrast, Apple Fritter was using the Princess as a meat shield.
 
The silence carried on for another few minutes until Apple Fritter asked, “So why’s it so warm in January?”
 
“Magic”
 
“Huh...”
 
The cuckoo clock began to shake as the timer hit twenty-three minutes past. A plank came ridiculously far out from the base of the clock and on it sat a smug looking dragon, bat pony, goat... thing.
 
He was a miniature version of himself and had two even smaller versions of Cadance and Shining Armour which he was playing with. “No, I love you more!” He glanced at the three ponies “Oh--er... Hello!” He threw away the models.
 
“Discord!” Shining Armour growled.
 
Within an instant, a large sofa-bed materialised into existence, and with it came a particularly smug looking, full-sized Draconequus. “Yeeesss?”
 
“Do you ever do anything useful?” Shining Armour asked. “Or do you spend all your time being a prat?”
 
Discord popped up against his face menacingly. “Who me? Why I would never do anything to disturb a little pony.” He grinned.
 
Cadance pulled the two apart via magic. She hushed Shiny down and turned to Discord. “Get back to Ponyville now!” she ordered.
 
His grin turned into a frown “And here I thought you would be the fun Princess.” He pouted. “Alas, it was not meant to be,” he laughed as he began to limber up for a teleport.
 
“Just stop sending ponies to random places!” Cadance added just as he left.
 
And as an afterthought, she yelled after him, “And I can be fun!”
 
_______________________
 
The three ponies stood in the holiday home’s living room. It was just early evening and Shining Armour had promised to prepare a long teleport to get Apple Fritter home. She had been pampered by the royal couple for her trouble. Fritter had initially declined, but after awhile she thought “Buck it, I deserve a treat.” Fritter had gotten pampered, preened and gotten a free fancy meal with stuff written in French which Shining Armour said was “Stupidly hard to understand, but attracts mares like a magnet.” Cadance did not appreciate this comment.
 
“Well today has been... odd.” Shining Armour laughed as he prepared the teleport spell. Purple magic warped around his horn, ever-growing in power.

Apple Fritter shared the laugh. “Odd? That’s one word for it.”

“And... I’m still really, really, really sorry about the tail spinning thing.” He flushed a little; his white coat almost magnified it.
 
“As you should be, Shiny,” Cadance added, still a bit miffed at Discord, but happy she could make Apple Fritter happy. “And I’m still sorry about Discord. He’s supposed to be reformed but you can’t just change someone in a day.”

“It’s fine... Ah mean you did get every damaged hair outta my tail...” Which took a surprisingly long time and as Apple Fritter found out, there were a lot of split ends. But, on the flip side she had never, ever, ever felt so fluffy.
 
“Well, just glad I could help.” She smiled. She had a nice smile. “And I still remember that you made the best wedding cake I’ve ever had.”

“You remember me from your wedding?” Apple Fritter asked her in surprise.

She frowned a little. “Well, I mean for the bits I was actually there for, yes.”

“Well you looked very pretty in your wedding dress regardless,” she consoled.
 
“Teleport’s ready!” Shining Armour called as magic reached its apex.
 
Cadance smiled. “Well, this is goodbye then,” she sighed.
 
Apple Fritter chuckled to herself; nopony in Appaloosa would believe her. “Ah’ll be sure to stay in touch, your majesty.”
 
“You make sure you do,” Cadance said kindly as Fritter stepped in front of Shining Armour.
 
Apple Fritter looked at Shining Armour. “Yeah... Please don’t tell anyone about the spinning thing... I don’t think the Crystal Empire would like to have an abusive prince.”
 
Apple Fritter liked the idea of having a handsome Knight, a Prince no less, at her mercy even if he did throw her three kilometres. “My lips are sealed,” she whispered under her breath. “For now.”
 
They said their final goodbyes and waved each other off.
 
Teleporting was weird for Apple Fritter. Not as unpleasant as flying, but not as stable as walking.
One minute she was in the royal couple’s living room of their holiday home, next, she was in her bedroom again.

Her familiar, hay smelling, brown bedroom.

She glanced out of her second story window and laughed at how accurate Shining Armour was. As she looked out, she saw the Appaloosan desert stretch out before her. Braeburn and his team were tilling some ground to be irrigated, birds were getting ready to fly back to main Equestria and Apple Cherry was having some sort of flame-war with critters.
 
She laughed to herself again. “What a way to start the year.”