//------------------------------//
// The Crystal Empire, Part 2 
// Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student 
// by milesprower06 
//------------------------------//

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, I've got to hand it to Cadance, taking off Sombra's horn like that took guts. Now he's going to go get his homies for backup and bust a cap in her ass. But it's just another day up in 'dis Crystal Meth Empire, yo.

After quickly overcoming the grief that Tom died for no reason, I tasked the other five with keeping the fair running while I searched for the Crystal Heart. If your sister taught me anything, it's that you have to search fruitlessly around an area, and then lastly, search a lava-filled castle with spikes everywhere, and then there's always a guy at the end who says you have to go to another castle. Seeing how there's only one castle in this area, I figured that wouldn't happen.

After looking everywhere on the castle grounds, I let the hate flow through me, and bam, secret staircase. I walk halfway down, and tumble down the second half. At least I got to the end. I didn't even need 70 or more stars. But then there was this rather evasive door. I gave it a dose of PMS, it opened right up, and I was given the most wonderful vision – where I was officially released from your school. Spike came down and had a similar vision where he was no longer in my servitude. After reminding him that he was mine forever, I performed a spell on the door, and was greeted with another set of stairs.

Down at the fair, Rainbow ran a kiosk, Rarity made straw items, Applejack was the distraction, Fluttershy hosted a petting zoo, and Pinkie kept screaming for a flugelhorn. Fluttershy kept a pretty good distance from Pinkie. I think she was afraid that she was going to get high and make a second disguise out of her skin. The crystal meth ponies were getting a little edgy, so Rainbow distracted them by trying to impale Fluttershy in a jousting match.

So back at the tower, I was about a quarter of the way up when I recalled a spell Luna told me; the legendary 'Up Down Left Right Select' spell. Suddenly, gravity reversed and I slid all the way up the bottom of the spiral. I'm amazed my hooves didn't catch on fire. Once we finally got to the top, I discovered that the clever bastard actually installed an alarm system. Having no other choice, I ordered Fax Machine to take it down the tower. Like the true clumsy shit he is, he tripped and fell, forcing my brother to throw his exhausted wife up in the air to catch them. Probably would've been funnier if she only caught the heart, but what's done is done.

So back in Canterlot, Celestia congratulated me on understanding the meaning of self-sacrifice, leading me to believe she was hoping I died up there in the tower. Fucking troll. Just wanted Spike to take all the glory. He even got his own stained glass window! The other five are much better backup singers than him anyway.

Your still-alive former student,
Twilight Sparkle



Dear Twilight,

Sweetheart, did Pinkie slip you something again? I never agreed to a threesome down in the caves, and you certainly didn't accompany us on our honeymoon. You've been freaking your brother out.

When I used to foalsit for you, you were the sweetest, smartest filly there ever was. But recently, your attitude and manners have been abysmal. But it's nothing that years of therapy can't fix.

Sooner or later, I hope that you'll take that first step to getting some help. Because hallucinations like that are only going to continue; before you know it, you'll think you've become a princess yourself, or worse, you and your friends will go through a portal, turn into those mythological humans, and attend high school.

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance