//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4 (Sororicide)  
// Story: Princesses Don't Potty 
// by CDRW 
//------------------------------//


Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 4

By CDRW


The first thing Princess Luna realized when she woke up was that Discord couldn't have been the one who created Equestria. He would never have invented the heavenly comforts of silk pajama-socks and sheets.

The second thing she realized was that her mouth tasted like a hard-boiled cassowary egg that had been pickled in apple cider vinegar for a week, then left out in the sun to rot for a month, then the whole cycle repeated again and again for at least a hundred years. Served with a slice of apple and a side of sawdust.

Stupid griffons and their stupid delicacies for visiting royalty that you weren't allowed to turn down without starting a stupid war. They probably invented the stupid thing as some stupid practical joke anyway.

Stupidheads.

Hopefully Celestia had thought to award a medal to whatever pony invented toothpaste.

Luna threw off her covers with a flick of her horn, arched her back, and waggled all four be-socked legs in the air while she stretched her wings to either side and let out a Royal Canterlot Yawn. Her routine was cut short however when she heard the distinct crackle of paper right next to her right ear. Rolling over and sitting up in the same motion, Luna looked down and saw a slightly crumpled scroll laying on her pillow. Slowly, she blinked her still sleep-heavy eyes, and then it finally dawned on her.

"Oh! Twilight must have accidentally sent her latest friendship report to me!"

She floated the scroll over to sit on her vanity and went into the bathroom to prepare for the night. She could deliver it to Celestia during their evening meal, but that would have to wait a little bit. Her first order of business involved several tubes of toothpaste and a gallon of mouthwash. 

I will have a monument erected to honor that pony. A statue, or perhaps a fountain.


***


Celestia nearly spilled her bowl of tomato soup when Luna flung open the doors of the small dining room where they took their private meals.

"Aha! There you are! I wish to discuss with you a most wonderful idea I have for a civic project! It is a fountain for the square near Dentist Avenue, a great tube of toothpaste leaning against a giant open bottle of mouthwash. The water for the fountain pours out of the mouthwash bottle you see, and—"

"Good evening Luna," Celestia interrupted calmly as she used a napkin to dab at a spot of soup that had splattered on her fur. The calm part was always important when dealing with Luna. "You seem remarkably chipper, considering how indisposed you were earlier."

Luna beamed and sidled into her seat across the table, setting a scroll down next to her place settings. "Of course I am in good spirits! My headache is gone and my mouth is fresh!" She examined the meal of tomato soup, crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, and tea that was laid out before her with relish and continued, "So, how fare our little ponies this day? Do they prosper?"

Celestia hid a half annoyed, half amused smile behind her teacup when Luna dished herself a bowl of soup and crumpled in enough crackers to turn it into a thick sludge. Fortunately, her sister knew better than to use the same table manners at official functions. "As prosperous as ever, Luna. Today's been quiet, no monsters from the Everfree, or deadly ancient magicks, or economic crises popping up at all. I was a little concerned that we hadn't heard anything from Twilight after the incident the other night—" She nodded at the scroll on the table. "—but it looks like I don't have to worry about that anymore either."

"Ah yes," Luna floated the scroll over to her as she slurped her sludge. "It seems Twilight accidentally sent her friendship report to me instead of you."

"Wait. What?" Celestia blinked as she took it and broke the seal, unrolling the letter to get a look at it. "It's not a reply to your letter?"

"Letter?" Luna asked, equally confused. "What letter?"

Celestia sighed, rolled the scroll up again, and passed it back to Luna. "The letter you wrote Twilight and her friends to apologize for your behavior after we visited Sweet Apple Acres? Honestly, Luna! How can you not remember that after everything it took to wring it out of you?"

Luna tapped her chin as she thought and then broke into a wide smile, saying, "Oooohhh!"

"You remember now?" Celestia asked her dryly.

"Not at all. That was an 'oh' of comprehension, not an 'oh' of remembrance. You made me write it while I was still hung over, didn't you?"

Celestia’s eyes narrowed in confusion for a second before widening in realization, then she buried her face in her hoof.

"You remember now?" Luna asked smugly.

"Yes," Celestia groaned and then she started reciting the old forgotten adage, "Drunk Luna hath stupid fun. Morning-after Luna hath stupid."

The saying had once been one of those pithy pearls of wisdom that mothers and grandmothers taught to their descendents and nopony actually listened to until they found out firsthoof exactly why it had become a pithy pearl of wisdom in the first place.

"I can't believe I forgot that you never remember the things you do when hung over. In my defense, it’s been a thousand years."

“Excuses excuses." Luna pointed a spoon at her and asked, "So, what was this apology letter about?"

Celestia looked at Luna with the flattest expression she could muster.

When she finally realized, Luna at least had the good grace to look embarrassed. "Oh dear, was I flirting again?"

Celestia massaged her temples with her hooves. "Luna, you flirt the way a tornado cuddles, but yes, you were flirting again."

Luna winced and looked at her out of the corner of her eye. "With Twilight?"

"No. Thank heaven."

Luna looked visibly relieved. "Oh, good," she said. "Macintosh then?"

"He wasn't even there."

"Rarity?" she ventured with a cringe.

"Still wrong."

Luna slouched down in her seat, her face a mass of confusion. "Then who?"

Celestia, unwilling to let an all-too-rare opportunity to leave Luna the frustrated one slip by without taking full advantage of it, said nothing, and just nodded at the scroll with a hint of a smirk on her face. Luna might be a pain in the flank sometimes, but nopony could deny that it was fun to see her get her comeuppance, and Celestia wasn't about to cut anything short by just telling her.

Luna rolled her eyes and snorted. "Fine then," she said. "But I'm reading it in private, and I'm not going to tell you anything it says!" Then she snatched a grilled cheese sandwich off the platter and savagely sunk her teeth  into it. Her eyes lit up and she sat up straight. "This is glorious!"

Celestia smiled. "You like it? The new cook, Gladstone, made them."

I knew hiring him was a good idea. Maybe she'll loosen up a little bit now.

Luna held the sandwich out at arm's length and peered at it with wonder in her eyes. "Gladstone, huh? I shall have to thank him personally. Strange name for a pony though, it almost sounds like..." The look of bliss faded from her eyes, and all of a sudden she dropped the sandwich like it had grown tentacles and an amorous disposition. "Is Gladstone a griffon?"

Or not.

Celestia sighed. "Really, Luna? Really? Are you honestly still upset about that egg dish? They stopped serving it nine hundred years ago!"

"And I can still taste it!" Luna shot back. "Stupidhead griffons!"

"You have to admit, it was a very nice gesture on their part. Harvesting cassowary eggs is a dangerous business, and the amount of time and work that went into preparing the dish is an extraordinary undertaking for mortals. Three generations of griffons put their lives into preparing that dinner for you." Celestia pointed an accusing hoof at her sister. "And you went and vomited it all up in the nearest bush the second their backs were turned!"

Luna shuddered. "It was even worse coming up."

"That's what you get for your ingratitude," Celestia said as she daintily took a sip of tea.

"Still better than the gas it gave you."

Celestia daintily spewed her tea all over the table. "What! I never—"

"Oh please! Even you can't hide a smell like that. It hung around your bedroom for weeks!"

"That was the fumigation!"

"Yes," Luna said with a smirk. "The most effective fumigation Equestria has ever seen. I'll bet that if we went and paid a visit to the old castle ruins right now, your room still wouldn't have any bugs in it."

Celestia huffed, and she puffed, and finally she just settled for yelling, "Give me that!" and snatching up Twilight's scroll with her magic. Before Luna could do anything, she unrolled it and started reading out loud.

"Dear Princess Luna, today I learned that you should never underestimate the insight of your friends. Oftentimes even the oddest of ponies have hidden reserves of wisdom if you take the time to listen.

"I was having a lot of trouble trying to accept what you said about how Princess Celestia really does use the restroom, and it was Pinkie Pie of all ponies who helped me realize that there was no point in freaking out over it because I still don't actually know if it's true. Pinkie reminded me that this problem can be approached the same way as any other problem I’ve faced, with research...” Celestia trailed off as the horror of what she was reading sank in.

"Luna..." Her voice shook and her vision began to cloud over red. For ten long, silent seconds, she didn't do anything at all, then the last remnants of her self-control snapped and she launched herself bodily across the table to throttle her beloved little sister, sending their dinner flying through the air.

Instead of Luna’s neck, Celestia’s hooves closed on air, and then she collided face first with the empty chair where her sister should have been cowering.

Dazedly, she climbed to her feet and yelled. "LUNA! YOU GET YOUR FUZZY PURPLE BUTT BACK HERE THIS INSTANT SO I CAN TORCH IT!"

The voice of a very evil, and soon-to-be very dead pony came in through the open door.

“OUR BACKSIDE IS BLACK, AND THOU SHOULDST PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THY SURROUNDINGS!"

Celestia did her level best to charge out the door and murder Luna, she really did, but marble floors are slippery when covered with tomato soup. When her hooves disappeared out from beneath her, she threw her wings open wide, but it was too late. With a squawk and a flurry of feathers, down she went.

As she lay there sprawled on the floor, the red haze of anger began to fade from her eyes, only to be replaced by the red haze of tomato soup.

“Heh.”

Celestia didn’t move as the warm puddle of soup she was lying in soaked her through.

“Heh heh.”

Washing out the stain was going to be murder, and was that melted cheese she felt in her mane? The royal stylist was going to have a fit!

"Heh heh heh."

With a bit more care this time, Celestia climbed to her hooves. A grilled cheese sandwich slowly peeled away from her chest and plopped to the floor, leaving behind a long string of melted cheese and grease dangling from her fur.

Celestia threw back her head and started laughing.

The ridiculousness was overwhelming. She was just standing there, dressed in her own dinner while Luna escaped to who-knew-where, she still had to lower the sun, everypony in Canterlot had probably heard her yelling at Luna, and she knew for certain that not one of them would acknowledge the fact that her dignity had just spontaneously disintegrated. She didn’t even know if that last one was incredibly funny or heartbreakingly depressing.

And all because Twilight decided to do research on my bathroom habits.

Celestia’s laugh garrotted itself.

Tirek’s horseshoes! Twilight’s doing research on my bathroom habits!

All of a sudden, the dining room felt very small, and Celestia felt like she would very much appreciate a paper bag to breath into, but the only paper things at hoof were the napkins and the scroll...

The scroll!

Luna had fled without the scroll!

Celestia spotted it lying next to a slowly spreading puddle of soup and scooped it up with trepidation. Trembling, she levitated it in front of her eyes and started reading the rest of Twilight’s letter.

"That is why I would like to ask you to please clarify how you know that your sister uses the restroom when you said in the postscript that you have never even seen her walk into one. If you have no evidence to back up your claim, then that theory really isn't any more credible than the one that says everything she eats serves as fuel to keep the sun burning. Not that I'm casting aspersions on the veracity of your claim, I'm simply presenting the difficulties I have with that as a neutral researcher.

"As for your requests, Applejack says that her family's only copy of the cider recipe somehow caught fire yesterday. It was a total loss. Even if you get another recipe though, I'm not sure how the book you requested would help. Apple cider is fermented, not distilled. Unless you're planning to make apple whiskey or something like that, you won’t get any use out of a book about still-making. I will still be happy to lend one to you in exchange for the information I requested though, after you fill out the attached library card application form.

"Last of all, Fluttershy says that she could never sue because that would be mean, and that your spider plushies sound very nice and she would like to see them someday if that’s alright with you.

“Thank you for everything.

"Your sister's faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

In a brief moment of insight, Celestia finally realized why Twilight was so obsessed with lists. Right then, she wasn’t sure if she should be panicking, chasing Luna, or writing down the names of all the ponies that could do with a good banishing. A list would have eased the burden of deciding which to do first.